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Dragon


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#1 Offline Willess12

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Posted Nov 24 2012 - 07:34 PM

     My name is Mavrah. As an Onu-Matoran, it is my job to record history. Since I am one of the few Matoran that remember the events of The Kanohi Dragon's first attack on Metru Nui -- not the one when it was stopped by Toa Lhikan and his team--the Chief Archivist has asked me to write them down. There are other Matoran who could do this--Kaj, for example--and some of them are writing their own record of events. All of them will be compiled as one record.

 

     I did not personally witness the first sighting of the dragon, but I heard of it from a Ta-Matoran friend of mine. I had heard the news about the dragon in Ta-Metru; our Turaga had announced it across the city. The Ta-Matoran explained it to me.

     "It seemed to be on fire," he said. "The weirdest thing about it, though, was that it had what looked like... Kanohi Masks, on its sides."

     "Kanohi Masks?" I said.

     "Yep," he said. "Don't ask me if they were real or not, though; none of us could determine that, even the most skilled mask-makers."

     "The thing burst from the ground near the Great Furnace construction site. It scared me out of my wits. It wasn't hostile, but its smoldering tail did some damage to the Great Furnace. The dragon took off into the sky and went who knows where."

     After that, it had been seen occasionally in the sky. I first saw it on a trip to Ta-Metru. I was delivering a message from Kaj to the then current Chronicler, a Ta-Matoran (this was before Kodan became Chronicler). I walked to Ta-Metru as the chute system was not fully operational yet. As I was on my way to the Chronicler's home, a great red dragon flew through the air.

      "Look!" said a Ta-Matoran named Kapura. "The dragon is back!"

      I got a good look at the dragon. It did seem to have Kanohi Masks on its side. By their very nature, Onu-Matoran name Rahi that they see. I had a name for this beast--the Kanohi Dragon.

      The dragon blackened the sky behind it, and I could see what looked like black soot falling from it. I asked Kapura, "Does it always do that when it flies?"

     "Yes," he said. "Isn't it amazing?"

     I didn't answer; I rushed off to the Chronicler's home. I had something to tell him.

     I arrived at the Chronicler's home. "Has anyone named that dragon?" I asked.

     "No," he said. "Have you seen it? If so, I think you're the first Onu-Matoran to see it."

     "Yes, and I've got a name for it," I said. "The Kanohi Dragon."

     "You'll have to inform the Chief Archivist of that," he said.

     I suddenly remembered my original reason for coming here. "Oh yeah, Kaj wishes to inform you that the Onu-Matoran have uncovered a mysterious tablet, buried underground. It details the Brotherhood of Makuta. Most of it is illegible, but some of it is still readable. I have it here." I gave him the tablet.

     Unfortunately, that tablet would never go into the records, because the Kanohi Dragon picked that moment to attack the city.

     The Ta-Matoran had just taken the tablet from my hand when the dragon attacked. We heard the noise outside and went outside to see what was going on. The dragon was perched upon the roof of a building, swinging its tail, breathing fire. Ta-Matoran ran from it. The Chronicler and I joined them.

     The Chronicler and I got separated. I took cover with some other Ta-Matoran, including Kapura, in a building. When we thought the dragon had left, we left the building, only to be attacked by the dragon.

     Luckily, the Toa showed up then.

     There were 8 of them, that I could see. The smoke did obscure my view a bit, unfortunately. It soon became apparent who was the leader of the team.

     "Bomonga, try to contain the beast!" the leader Toa said. "Ice Toa, see if you can slow it down!" He also called for one of the Toa, whose name I failed to hear, to help him evacuate the villagers.

     I was the only Matoran brave enough to stay and watch the fight, which is why I'm writing this. I hid from the Toa on a rooftop, which is the reason I'm still alive to write this.

     The battle was fierce, and long. At first, the Toa of Ice - there were at least two of them - seemed to be struggling against the creature; then, they were joined by a Toa of Water, and they began to fare better. The Dragon felled one of the Toa, but he -- or she, I don't know -- survived. Bomonga, the Toa of Earth, used his earth power to prevent the monster from travelling to attack the Matoran.

     Then, the beast saw me. It tried to come after me. One of the other Toa blocked it. The Dragon breathed fire. The Toa dodged, and the fire destroyed much of the building underneath me.

     I was about to decide that was a good sign that it was time to leave when I saw the Ice Toa, with the assistance of the Toa of Water, fell the massive beast.

 

     I later found out that the Toa had been visiting Metru Nui when the dragon attacked, which explained how they were able to get there so soon.  I found out who they were.  I wanted to speak with Bomonga, the Toa of Earth, but I never got the chance. He never seemed comfortable with the team, and I don't think he was an actual member. I informed the Chief Archivist of my name for the beast, and he accepted it. I did not tell him until recently that I had stayed to watch the fight.

     The Leader Toa sent the Toa of Water into the ocean to look for "a likely spot". Later, the Toa took the dragon--the Kanohi Dragon--underwater. They assured us that they had not killed it, but what they did with it remains a mystery. Despite their assurances that the Kanohi Dragon would never attack again, it did, but it seems that someone was behind its second attack. The second time, it was defeated by Lhikan's team of Toa. That battle was much longer, lasting a month.

     As for the tablet I gave the Chronicler, it was lost in the attack, and never found.  It was presumed destroyed. What it said remains a mystery to this day.

 

 

My entry for S&T contest number 7

Edit: sorry, Bonesiii, but I'd already fixed the format.  I guess I should have made a note of it or something.


Edited by Willess12, Aug 30 2014 - 10:48 AM.
Format reconstructed after a BZP glitch. -bones

  • 1

On 9/29/2014, Greg Farshtey said:

 

"Just wanted to say a quick something --

 

A lot of you guys are BIONICLE fans, many from way back. It's no secret that you are some of the smartest, most loyal, and most dedicated fans out there. You, and you alone, have carried the torch for the line over the last four years. Hopefully, you will feel rewarded for your efforts by 2015 BIONICLE.

 

Regardless, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that I am really proud to be associated with you, and you should be really proud of yourselves"

 

Ordinarily, I don't do quotes, but this is special.

Fire Ice Water Stone Earth Air... I mean Jungle.
 
Bionicle: The Legacy Hero An attempt to put some magic back into Bionicle.


#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 03 2012 - 06:15 PM

Welcome to BZPower! :)The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

I suddenly remembered my original reason for coming here. "Oh yeah, Kaj wishes to inform you that the Onu-Matoran have uncovered a mysterious tablet. It details the Brotherhood of Makuta. Most of it is illegible, but some of it is still readable. I have it here." I gave him the tablet.Unfortunately, that tablet would never go into the records, because the Kanohi Dragon picked that moment to attack the city.The Ta-Matoran had just taken the tablet from my hand when the dragon attacked. We heard the noise outside and went outside to see what was going on. The dragon was perched upon the roof of a building, swinging its tail, breathing fire. Ta-Matoran ran from it. The Chronicler and I joined them.

As for the tablet I gave the Chronicler, it was destroyed in the attack. What it said remains a mystery to this day.

I don't think that the Onu-Metru Archives would have a copy of anything detailing the operations of the Brotherhood of Makuta. I think that should be fixed to be a bit more canonically consistent. Also, it wasn't clear how the tablet was destroyed. You might wish to make that more clear - how could the tablet be destroyed without the Chronicler being killed? You have permission to edit to fix this.

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#3 Offline Willess12

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Posted Dec 03 2012 - 08:02 PM

The tablet was never in the Archives, it was buried.  I added a phrase to clarify that.

 

"As for the tablet I gave the Chronicler, it was destroyed in the attack."

 

was changed to:

 

"As for the tablet I gave the Chronicler, it was lost in the attack, and never found. It was presumed destroyed."

 

"...the Onu-Matoran have uncovered a mysterious tablet."

 

was changed to:

 

"...the Onu-Matoran have uncovered a mysterious tablet, buried underground."

 

Edit:  Just to be clear, in case I'm not making sense, I tried to show that the tablet was never really studied or read thouroughly.  If it still doesn't work, I'll change the tablet to something else.


Edited by Willess12, Dec 03 2012 - 08:30 PM.

  • 0

On 9/29/2014, Greg Farshtey said:

 

"Just wanted to say a quick something --

 

A lot of you guys are BIONICLE fans, many from way back. It's no secret that you are some of the smartest, most loyal, and most dedicated fans out there. You, and you alone, have carried the torch for the line over the last four years. Hopefully, you will feel rewarded for your efforts by 2015 BIONICLE.

 

Regardless, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that I am really proud to be associated with you, and you should be really proud of yourselves"

 

Ordinarily, I don't do quotes, but this is special.

Fire Ice Water Stone Earth Air... I mean Jungle.
 
Bionicle: The Legacy Hero An attempt to put some magic back into Bionicle.


#4 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 03 2012 - 09:25 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.That makes sense. Good luck to you, and thanks for clarifying.:)

Edited by fishers64, Dec 03 2012 - 09:25 PM.

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#5 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Feb 17 2013 - 10:17 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Unfortunately I noticed some conflict with the contest rule against establishing certain details of known characters or groups; read on for the issue. I do think it can be fixed relatively easily and have made suggestions for that. Also a style thing to start out here.

 

Overall, a very short but sweet depiction of a legendary time! I especially liked showing Mavrah's seemingly uncontrollable urge to observe dangerous creatures, which fits him very well. I kinda felt by the time the end did come so fast that maybe you could have tried to get even more into his head in places, although really, not sure if that would fit his personality anyways. :shrugs: Good job!

 

The thing burst from the ground near the Great Furnace construction site. It scared me out of my wits. It wasn't hostile, but its smoldering tail did some damage to the Great Furnace. The thing took off into the sky and went who knows where.Redundant use of "the thing" to start sentences; suggest "the dragon" or something like "the creature" for the second.After that, it had been seen occasionally in the sky. I first saw the thing on a trip to Ta-Metru.Same; suggest just "it" in this case.I got a good look at the thing.And same again. Occasional use of this phrase would be fine, maybe twice in the story but not so close together and not so often. Jarring.[quote]Luckily, the Toa showed up then.Their were 8 of them: three Toa of Ice, two Toa of Stone, a Toa of Earth, a Toa of Water, and a Toa of Fire. The Toa of Fire seemed rather out of place to me, considering we were being attacked by a beast of fire. However, it soon became apparent that the Fire Toa was the leader of the team."Bomonga, try to contain the beast!" the Fire Toa said. "Ice Toa, see if you can slow it down!" He also called for one of the Toa, whose name I failed to hear, to help him evacuate the villagers.[/quote]I hate to be the messenger of this, as it could require some serious edits (and I'm typing as I read so not sure yet if it would be too serious an issue) but there may be a contest rules problem in being so specific about this Toa Team. The problem is, this is an already-canon event and this team is already canon, but unidentified, and there is a rule about defining certain specifics about already established characters, including Toa of known teams, even their elements, and that has come up with other entries. I'm not sure how much we know about them, beyond this statement from the Kanohi Dragon page of BS01:[quote]The Dragon attacked, but was defeated by an unknown team of Toa that was visiting Metru Nui. They trapped it in an undersea cave, where it was then frozen behind a one-hundred foot layer of ice.[/quote]So we know there was at least one Toa of Ice, and I would venture to say almost certainly at least two. Your idea of three is plausible, but can we establish a definite number?Identifying a particular one as leader is problematic too. And finally, including a known character who isn't confirmed to be there (during this canon event) is also a problem. We know Bomonga was a Toa for a while before becoming a Hagah (though at the moment I don't know if the timing here works; I presume you checked), but not sure if it's stretching things too much to say he was a member of this team.I wonder if you could partially solve this by having the cloud of soot obscure Mavrah's view of which Toa were what color, etc.? It would make sense. Later he could have found out who they all were, admittedly, but felt it wasn't important. To follow the rule to the letter you would have to avoid the mention of any elemental power other than Ice, but you could say that Mavrah could tell beams of elements were being shot but couldn't tell which elements they were. He could also tell which silhouette of a Toa was shouting orders but still be unable to make out the color.It also occurs to me also that perhaps Bomonga could be implied to be temporarily traveling with this team and not necessarily a member. Mavrah could wonder this based on how he behaves, and not have a chance to ask him. That should remove any problem with Bomonga being there IMO. :shrugs: If you do keep Bomonga there, you could mention his element too.Sorry to be throwing such an inconvenient wrench in things. :( It's honestly my fault for how I have worded the rule which might not have been necessary, and really I doubt Greg would have an issue with it, but once it's a rule it's a rule, and trying to be careful.*reads on*Most of this could be easily edited to comply with the rule, yeah.[quote]The Toa of Fire, Toa Dume, sent the Toa of Water into the ocean to look for "a likely spot". Later, the Toa took the dragon--the Kanohi Dragon--underwater. They assured us that they had not killed it, but what they did with it remains a mystery.[/quote]Two things -- though the second is probably not an issue. First, you are establishing that Dume was the leader of this team, and that would certainly be a highly likely theory... but technically the rules forbid this. It wouldn't be hard to edit that part out; just say "the leader". The issue is that, for example, BS01 currently lists Dume's team and this team as two separate ones, but if this wins, that would be conflicting with this, without Greg specifically confirming that. So the rule is designed to avoid that kind of conflict.Second, specifically designating one of the Toa's element as water may be a problem by the same rule. However, given that they hid the dragon underwater, as Mavrah goes on to mention, I'd say it's plausible enough to let it go. Someone would have to scout for such a location and a Toa of Water makes the most sense, so I'll be lenient on this one. It would be canonically questionable if any other Toa was claimed to have done that, though possible, so yeah. Just bringing it up for the record, and to correct what I said earlier -- you can mention the element of Ice, and of Water, IMO. And Earth from Bomonga, if you edit something in to make it seem unclear if he's part of the team. Again, sorry for the inconvenience.[quote[The Chief Archivist asked me to include this detail: Bomonga's fate is unknown. The Toa of Water became a Turaga. Dume, of course, became the Turaga of Metru Nui. The Chronicler was killed by the Kanohi Dragon's second attack, and was replaced by Kodan.[/quote]Parts of this are also a problem, re: the above. I'd just cut this whole paragraph as it is more of a trivia info-dump than really part of the story. If you make it clear that this tablet was entirely written soon after the events, before Dume became Turaga, it could be left open for interpretation whether or not he was the leader here.


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#6 Offline Willess12

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Posted Feb 17 2013 - 12:18 PM

It says on BS01 that Dume was the leader of his Toa Team.  Yeah, I probably made way too many assumptions in this story. By the way, on BS01, it doesn't say when the Toa Hagah were formed.  It does, however, mention Norik's actions with Varian after the Kanohi Dragon attack, so the Toa Hagah must have been formed after that.

 

Changed:

The thing took off into the sky and went who knows where."

to:

The dragon took off into the sky and went who knows where."

 

Changed:

I first saw the thing on a trip to Ta-Metru

to:

I first saw it on a trip to Ta-Metru

 

Changed:

I got a good look at the thing

to:

I got a good look at the dragon

 

Changed:

Their were 8 of them: three Toa of Ice, two Toa of Stone, a Toa of Earth, a Toa of Water, and a Toa of Fire. The Toa of Fire seemed rather out of place to me, considering we were being attacked by a beast of fire. However, it soon became apparent that the Fire Toa was the leader of the team.

to:

Their were 8 of them, that I could see. The soot did obscure my view a bit, unfortunately. It soon became apparent who was the leader of the team.

 

Changed:

"Bomonga, try to contain the beast!" the Fire Toa said. "Ice Toa, see if you can slow it down!"

to:

"Bomonga, try to contain the beast!" the leader Toa said. "Ice Toa, see if you can slow it down!"

 

Changed:

At first, the Toa of Ice seemed to be struggling against the creature; then, they were joined by the Toa of Water, and they began to fare better.

to:

At first, the Toa of Ice - there were at least three of them - seemed to be struggling against the creature; then, they were joined by a Toa of Water, and they began to fare better.

 

Changed:

The Toa of Fire used his fire powers to try and control the beast's fire. The Dragon felled one of the Toa of Stone, but he survived.

to:

The Dragon felled one of the Toa, but he -- or she, I don't know -- survived

 

Changed:

The other Toa of Stone blocked it. The Dragon breathed fire. The Stone Toa dodged, and the fire destroyed much of the building underneath me.

to:

One of the other Toa blocked it. The Dragon breathed fire. The Toa dodged, and the fire destroyed much of the building underneath me.

 

Added:

I found out who they were. I wanted to speak with Bomonga, the Toa of Earth, but I never got the chance. He never seemed comfortable with the team, and I don't think he was an actual member.

 

Changed:

The Toa of Fire, Toa Dume, sent the Toa of Water into the ocean to look for "a likely spot".

to:

The Leader Toa sent the Toa of Water into the ocean to look for "a likely spot".

 

Deleted that last paragraph--We can kinda guess that the previous Chronicler died, an the part about Dume isn't really necesarry anymore.

 

Edit:Changed soot to smoke, feels better that way.


Edited by Willess12, Feb 17 2013 - 12:20 PM.

  • 0

On 9/29/2014, Greg Farshtey said:

 

"Just wanted to say a quick something --

 

A lot of you guys are BIONICLE fans, many from way back. It's no secret that you are some of the smartest, most loyal, and most dedicated fans out there. You, and you alone, have carried the torch for the line over the last four years. Hopefully, you will feel rewarded for your efforts by 2015 BIONICLE.

 

Regardless, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that I am really proud to be associated with you, and you should be really proud of yourselves"

 

Ordinarily, I don't do quotes, but this is special.

Fire Ice Water Stone Earth Air... I mean Jungle.
 
Bionicle: The Legacy Hero An attempt to put some magic back into Bionicle.


#7 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Feb 17 2013 - 01:29 PM

All of that looks good, except one thing:

 

 

At first, the Toa of Ice - there were at least three of them - seemed to be struggling against the creature; then, they were joined by a Toa of Water, and they began to fare better.

How about at least two, not three? I think we can canonically defend that there were likely at least two, but beyond that it's debatable.


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#8 Offline Willess12

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Posted Feb 19 2013 - 09:36 PM

Changed three to two.

Also added a line skip that somehow got deleted when I posted the story.

 

I was about to decide that was a good sign that it was time to leave when I saw the Ice Toa, with the assistance of the Toa of Water, fell the massive beast.

I later found out that the Toa had been visiting Metru Nui when the dragon attacked, which explained how they were able to get there so soon.


  • 0

On 9/29/2014, Greg Farshtey said:

 

"Just wanted to say a quick something --

 

A lot of you guys are BIONICLE fans, many from way back. It's no secret that you are some of the smartest, most loyal, and most dedicated fans out there. You, and you alone, have carried the torch for the line over the last four years. Hopefully, you will feel rewarded for your efforts by 2015 BIONICLE.

 

Regardless, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that I am really proud to be associated with you, and you should be really proud of yourselves"

 

Ordinarily, I don't do quotes, but this is special.

Fire Ice Water Stone Earth Air... I mean Jungle.
 
Bionicle: The Legacy Hero An attempt to put some magic back into Bionicle.


#9 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Feb 20 2013 - 07:43 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.

 

Looks good!


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#10 Offline Willess12

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Posted Jul 01 2014 - 09:31 PM

Woah, I just noticed a typo:

 

 

Their were 8 of them, that I could see.

 

"Their" should be there.  I wonder how nobody else caught that.  Permission to fix?

 


  • 0

On 9/29/2014, Greg Farshtey said:

 

"Just wanted to say a quick something --

 

A lot of you guys are BIONICLE fans, many from way back. It's no secret that you are some of the smartest, most loyal, and most dedicated fans out there. You, and you alone, have carried the torch for the line over the last four years. Hopefully, you will feel rewarded for your efforts by 2015 BIONICLE.

 

Regardless, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that I am really proud to be associated with you, and you should be really proud of yourselves"

 

Ordinarily, I don't do quotes, but this is special.

Fire Ice Water Stone Earth Air... I mean Jungle.
 
Bionicle: The Legacy Hero An attempt to put some magic back into Bionicle.


#11 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Jul 02 2014 - 12:24 AM

Granted. :)


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#12 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Jul 28 2014 - 12:09 AM

I'm calling this entry good enough for polls. :)


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#13 Offline Willess12

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Posted Aug 30 2014 - 10:49 AM

I just corrected the format a bit: it was still a little off after that BZP glitch.


  • 0

On 9/29/2014, Greg Farshtey said:

 

"Just wanted to say a quick something --

 

A lot of you guys are BIONICLE fans, many from way back. It's no secret that you are some of the smartest, most loyal, and most dedicated fans out there. You, and you alone, have carried the torch for the line over the last four years. Hopefully, you will feel rewarded for your efforts by 2015 BIONICLE.

 

Regardless, I wanted to take this opportunity to say that I am really proud to be associated with you, and you should be really proud of yourselves"

 

Ordinarily, I don't do quotes, but this is special.

Fire Ice Water Stone Earth Air... I mean Jungle.
 
Bionicle: The Legacy Hero An attempt to put some magic back into Bionicle.





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