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Sinking

The sea was cruel Fate was crueler

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#1 Offline The Duchess Approves

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Posted Dec 22 2012 - 12:17 AM

[color=#006400;]A note from the author:  This was written within a time frame of 30 minutes with no planning done beforehand.  I was given a theme, "Flood" to base my story and this is the result.  Please enjoy.[/color]

 

     Heavy... everything felt heavy.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was different.  Each step I took forward felt like the world around me was going against me.  I tried to run, but to no avail; the air just kept me in place.  I slipped, of course, but when I fell I didn’t hit the ground.  It was so strange.  Why did gravity, in all of its divine logic, stop working?  Frustrated, I kicked my legs towards the ground and I began to float upwards.

 

     I got a nice view as I ascended; everything looked tinted in a bluish hue.  There were a few stray rays of light littering down to the ground.  It looked like there were some birds in the distance.  Eventually I slowed down and there I was hovering over the land.  Where did everyone go?  No…  That wasn’t the right question.  I did not recognize this place.  I could not walk, I could not run and the laws of the land had abandoned me.  How did I get here?  Yes, that was the appropriate question.

 

     Humming... there was humming emanating from all around.

 

     Suddenly I remembered where I was.  There were many others with me before.  We were working together against the rain and the light.  Yes, there were flashes of light that let out mighty roars across the heavens.  The sea in all of her anger had swatted at us.  That’s right.  Our sail had broken off and fallen into her hands. 

 

     The humming grew louder as I realized the danger I was in.  Quickly, I darted upwards towards the rays of light.

 

     We were frantic in the storm.  Waves crashed so fiercely that many a man fell overboard.  She wasn’t made for that kind of treatment, our fair and noble vessel.  The sea tore her apart slowly.  After the sail fell, it scraped against her starboard wall and loosed the wood that bound her together.  The sea was now invading, unwanted in our home. We were sinking into the sea’s harsh waters.

 

     I was still a long way from reaching the sweet air that beckoned me at the surface.  The humming was ever louder and was closing in.  Glimpsing down, I could make nothing out aside from the dark, dark waters below.  Finally, the humming caught up to me.  I felt arms as cold as ice wrap around my chest as they dragged me down further and further until I could no longer see the warm glow of the sun.

 

     The humming was calling me now, beckoning me to stay here below the sea.  This world was cold.  This world was suffocating.  This world was demise, and now this world would be my tomb.


Edited by Tekulo the WindWriter, Dec 22 2012 - 12:33 AM.

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#2 Offline Velox

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Posted Apr 18 2013 - 12:17 AM

Hey there, Tekulo. Your story has been selected for a free review by the SSCC--we're going through all the OTC stories that haven't received an SSCC review and giving them one: free of charge! (though perhaps, maybe I should charge you. Your soul, please.)

 

That out of the way, let's begin. Usually I start out with some nitpicks, but... 

 

I honestly don't really have any nitpicks. Anything that I had put aside to nitpick become negligible as I discovered the tone of the story, in which case I have a few thoughts on that. Maybe this is just me, but I felt like this could have been better if the narrator was less chatty, and it was more about the action and the suspense, etc. For example, the beginning starts off great. "Heavy...everything felt heavy." That just evokes this slight amount of terror, fascination--it grips the reader in from the start and pushes the reader to read the rest. And then you get to the "I slipped, of course..." and you realize that this isn't going to be as scary/suspenseful story as you thought, but it's going to have an extremely chatty narrator. Which the following sentences showed. 

 

But then again, you get to the ending, which was simply fantastic and extremely well-done. It was haunting and, yes, yet again fascinating. This world was cold. This world was suffocating. This world was demise. And now this world would be my tomb. (as you can see, I broke up the last sentence, because I think it's more powerful that way--perhaps even putting "And now...tomb" on it's own line.) But the pacing was really well-done. Very poetic, actually--I could imagine all of those "this world"s being separate lines, that being the last stanza of the poem. Anyway, I'm digressing from the point--the ending was very well-done. But honestly, I don't feel like it fits the rest of the story--just like the beginning. And really, everything after "Humming...all around." It's just the couple paragraphs before that that seem inconsistent, because they're so focused on this voice--intentional or not--that's extremely chatty.

 

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Personally, I prefer non-chatty voices, but they have their place. I guess my main issue here is that I was just hoping for a suspenseful story, but that voice took me out of that. So I guess my suggestions is: go one way or the other. Keep it all suspenseful and get rid of the chatty voice: "...of course..." "Yes, that was the appropriate question." "No, that wasn't the right question." et cetera. Or you could do the opposite--bring the chatty voice in more, throughout the whole story, which would then probably give it more of a comedic feel, or at least dark humorish. Maybe neither of those things, but it'd still fit as it's consistent. Start off with the suspense for the first sentence or two but then completely twist that around and bring in the voice--and keep it. 

 

Of course, these are all just my personal suggestions, and feel free to do with them as you will. For being written in only a half-hour, this definitely isn't a bad piece, and I really like the idea behind it--and the take on "flood." Great imagery and descriptions as well--I really enjoyed reading them, and as I said, I loved the very beginning and the ending. Well done, Tekulo. I look forward to more.

 

 

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