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Dooms Day

December 21 2012 Dream

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#1 Offline A Forgotten Soul

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Posted Jan 26 2013 - 05:14 PM

Doomsday, a day in which we thought it wouldn't happen. But it did.


It was noon, or so it seems, and war had consumed the entire world within a matter of minutes. It wasn't just terrorists, it was also from extraterrestrials. I know it sounds like something from War of the Worlds, but it's true. Not a lot of my friends were left. It was only me, Edgar, the skinny senior in my gym class, and couple of new guys. We made a break for it, hoping to get out alive while we still can.


"Ain't this fun, eh Ricardo." Edgar said while we neared some small crater in the ground.


Suddenly of to my left I see a medium purple lilac colored tank with green outlines. It fired a shot in the air, then I saw the cannon slowly aim towards us.


"We not going to make out alive." The skinny guy said.


I jumped over the crater, not even landing wrong so I might fall in. Then a new guy from my class picks up a bike that was laying on the ground. Handing it to the others.


"C'mon, lets go!" He exclaimed over the sound of another shell being fired.


I picked up a bike and right when I sat down, it was too small. I could barley move forward in the  little trike I was on. I got up and ran for a bike that the new guy was going for. Seeing I was going for it, he went to another bike. As I got on the black bike with flames I hear someone call my name.


"Lets go Ricardo!" Edgar yelled from a short distance.


I immediately started pedaling as fast as I could to catch up. We soon found ourselves on dirt than on pavement.


"There's an old cabin not to far from here. C'mon." The new guy said as we headed down the dirt road.


A few minutes later we were at the cabin. It was two stories, and looked old. Probably was built in the 50's or 60's. I soon found my self in the "living room" of the cabin. There I saw other refugees of the ongoing war. In just 30 minutes many of them had either went to bed, or left in search of another place to stay. I just sat there on the stairs looking at the entrance door.

Then armed soldiers barged in. To my surprise they looked like the Helghans from Killzone. Then their commander comes in saying, "Don't try to hide or we will shoot you."


Too bad I did, terribly. I just crouched from where I was sitting looking through the pillars of the staircase. As looked at the general, I saw that it was an aging Big Boss, from Metal Gear. Then the soldiers left the same way they came in, closing the door behind them.


10 Years Later...


I'm still at the cabin. This time training to become the ultimate assassin, under the guidance of Raiden. I'm wearing a new armor suit, resembling his 2009 armor, and his 2014 armor. I prepare for my mission, Raiden debriefs me on what's going to happen.


"Now that you're suited up, it's time you know what your going up against. You will infiltrate a secret med-clinic inside the city. There, your mission starts. Your primary objective is to shut down whatever operation is going on inside. Try not to make a bloody mess, cause there will be guards paroling the halls." He shows me a holographic map. "In this area there is a crystal containing every piece of information we need to take back the city. Take care of this first, then shut 'em down. Is that understood."


"I understand clearly."




I exit out from the air ducts, not even making a sound. As I make my way down the hall, I see the crystal that Raiden was talking about. What kind of a person leaves this in the middle of a hallway. So I enter the room in front of me, when some one starts coming at me in a zombie like stats. I immidiatly hit a kill switch, killing him instantly. Then I hear another person in the room.


"What's going on here, where am I?"The patient said in a panic state.


"Just keep quite and follow me. I'll get you out of here."


What choice did I have. I couldn't just kill him. We exit the room into a small corridor. We head left into another room. Instantly when we entered, I turned off the lights. 


"Hey, what's going on?" The people in the room said.


I closed my visor and entered night vision mode. I gave the patient a pair of goggles that I didn't need. I didn't want to make a bloody mess and scare this guy. So I slammed the two people in front of me into the wall. I didn't know if they were dead or unconscious, either way I didn't care. Soon my follower did the same to some other people in the room, but to ensure that does that were trying to escape, I snapped their necks. After all of them were dead or out cold, we exited the room.


"This way." I said to the patient following me.


We exited the room heading into a another hall...

Edited by Flaredrick: Forgotten One, Feb 27 2013 - 09:55 PM.

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#2 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

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Posted May 17 2013 - 10:49 PM

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Nuile here with a review for your fine story, courtesy of the SSCC.[/color] 


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I get the impression that this is some form of fan fiction. On the one hand, I admire that you keep details from than fandom to a minimum. You're not confusing the reader with obscure information that most people won't understand. Of course, there are places (our BIONICLE library, for instance) where it's fine to embrace fan fiction whole-heartedly and ignore the possibility of people not understanding the details. All BZPowers understand BIONICLE. You can embrace other forms of fan fiction in OTC, as long as you clarify that what you're writing is fan fiction. I'm not positive that this is, but there are hints--"Killzone," "Big Boss," "Metal Gear," mention of model years for some kind of armor, "Raiden"--that suggest it is. And it's in these points I'm a little disappointed you were so obscure. I have no idea what a Helghan is, nor what Raiden's 2009 armor looks like, so the story loses something for me because I don't understand everything. You could so easily have integrated these details by subtler means. If you had described a Helghan and Raiden's armor, fans of the fandom you're writing for would have recognized them and been pleased, and the reader outside of that fandom will also be pleased. As it is, I'm left wondering who Raiden is, and without a clue as to the significance of the "Big Boss" and his soldiers.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]So, while there were some obscure details that were poorly explained, the story itself was fairly clear of obscure fandom detail. That said, I don't get it. There's obviously more to the story that was not explained. I don't understand the cabin: What was it being used for? If it was just a hiding-place, why are they hiding there? It's obviously not very secure if armed soldiers can barge in at will. I don't understand why your protagonist was training to be an assassin: Who was he being trained to assassinate? Is he part of a mercenary group, or an organization with it's own ends to achieve? I don't understand the med-clinic: Whose clinic was it? What was the crystal doing there? What did they want the crystal for? Did he find it and retrieve it, or what? Who was that patient? What was his significance in the story? I don't understand the ending: It was too open and it didn't resolve anything. They went into another hall--where did they go from there? Did they escape the clinic?[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]There was so much information lacking, it was hard to enjoy the story. You had some nice action and your descriptions were not poor, but it was hard to appreciate this when the story was limping along without any good backstory and detail to support it. You don't want to drown the reader in detail and information, of course, but you need a balance. There has to be something. The story is the focus, but it's not enough: it needs setting, plot structure, and and backstory to support it.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Also, you get very mixed up with tenses. It starts off looking like present, then becomes past. The second part is written entirely in present tense. The third part begins as present and then shifts to past again. You need to choose one tense and be consistent with it throughout the piece. This is not the place to be indecisive.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Personally I always prefer past tense. My brain--and I think the brains of most readers--are wired to read past tense. Present tense has its place and its purpose. It produces a certain effect: you have to be sure, if you're going to write in present tense, that that's the effect you want.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]On the whole, I did enjoy your action, and I did enjoy your descriptions; I've read your work before in the FFFCs, and that's what I like about your style. Your descriptions are oftentimes very beatiful. But even then, this story wasn't the best example of your descriptive skill. I'm particularly disappointed by this story because I know you can do so much better.[/color]



[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Also, I hardly think that "lilac" is a good word to use when describing a tank.[/color]



[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Grammatically, you made several mistakes: too many for my tastes, and too many to point them all out. But the most blatant is this:[/color]


"We not going to make out alive." The skinny guy said.

[color=rgb(0,128,0);]This is a mistake you made consistently. It's a common one, and one I made for years myself. It's also one of the most annoying, in my opinion. But it's proper grammar that, when a quotation ends and is followed by a dialogue tag, the quotation should end in a comma, and the dialogue tag should not be capitalized. Thus:[/color] 

"We not going to make out alive," the skinny guy said.

"C'mon, lets go!" he exclaimed over the sound of another shell being fired.

"Try not to make a bloody mess, cause there will be guards paroling the halls." He shows me a holographic map.


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Those are all examples of the proper way to punctuate around quotations. If you remain in any confusion on the point, you're welcome to PM me and I'll explain in more depth, or you can search the ever-useful internet for more information.[/color]



[color=rgb(0,128,0);]All in all, yes, it could have been better, and I know you're capable of better. But writing is always about striving to improve. No writer is perfect. I'm not perfect. I'll never be perfect. But I'll never stop trying to be. I keep writing, and I keep improving, and I keep moving closer to the perfection I reach for. A writer's journey is a constant effort to keep moving forward and to keep getting better. It's a journey without end: and when there's no end to the journey, the reward is not in the destination, but in every step you take along the way.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]I eagerly await seeing what you write next.[/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Keep writing, [/color]


[color=rgb(0,128,0);]Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:[/color]

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#3 Offline A Forgotten Soul

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Posted May 18 2013 - 12:37 PM

Thank You Nulie, I really couldn't do much on this since (mostly being the part in the far future where I'm being trained) is all a dream. In fact the whole story is a dream that I still remember to this day. I left out a few parts (like in the beginning) that I think should have been included. I will make a revised version of it, and more detail will be made next time. (Plus the part of choosing the right mind set. Such as past or present).


I'll never stop, cause I'm the Energizer Bunny. :P

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