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Through the Gates of Eternity


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#1 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Apr 22 2013 - 04:22 PM

Through the Gate of EternityIt is said that after death, there lies a hall, a giant hall, fully lit, in contrast to the shadows death brings. And that behind the hall there is a small white room, a room containing two gates. One , the Gate of Life, will bring you back to the world of living, free to continue your life. And the second, dubbed the Gate of Eternity, will lead a soul into the nothingness, leaving it to vanish in the cold of the endless void. In a enormous flash of thousand different colors and a incredibly bright light, a form appeared in the hall. He looked suprised and totally overwelmed by what had just happened to him, and where he had appeard. For this figure, was not someone regular, a Matoran of whitch you see billions all across the universe, but where one individual being won't make a big difference, no this was a Toa, one of the most honorable of all the beings who once wore that title. It was a shy Matoran  translator, who had turned into a hesitating Toa warrior, and who had , in a act of ultime bravary, when the need was at its direst, sacrificed his own life, for that of the entire Universe. It was a being, none other than Matoro, the samvation of the universe himself."Where... am I ... ? ... What ... happened?"Suddenly out of nothing a golden figure appeared, it was a being that Matoro had not seen before, yet seemed strangely familiar. And a voice which seemed to come from everywhere except the mounth of the beign itself spoke:"You, are in the eternity, and the eternity is in you, you gave this location existance with your own tought, so the only one who can answer that question is you. As for what happened, let me answer that later."Matoro, who was suprised yet not shocked by the appereance  of the being didn't get a thing from the vague description of the figure. But as he looked around he became to notice the location looked very familiar. There were houses, a gate, and in the very middle a giant building, it all seemed to come out of a forgotten past."Ko... Ko-Koro?"The voice which came from every little corner of the hall spoke calmly:"That question lies whithin yourself and is not mine to answer, but, come and walk along... And ... you might wan't to leave those, you won't need them here."And as the figure spoke he pointed towards the weapons Matoro carried. Not knowing what was happening, or what lied ahead, Matoro, decided to trust the mysterious being and dropped his weapons and watched in shock how they vanished from excistance moments before they would hit the plain white ground. As the two selent beings walked into the unknows, questions arose in Matoro's head. And after he gained courage, he asked them:"Now, tell me please, it is clear this is not Ko-Koro, and I don't get the eternity thing, where exactly are we, and, who are you?""I am this place, and this place is me, I am known in countless names and forms, given a solid shape by beings' mind, and only those minds, if those were to dissapear, my uncontained essense would flow away with the wind in the unreachable shadow. Things you saved, without your sacrifice I would be nothing, you deserve my respect Matoro, for all eternity I will remember you.And as you earned my respect, I will answer your question without riddles or vagueness, we are here now, standing, in the place you most likely know as, the hall of Eternity."Matoro remembered that name, it was written on one of the walls in Ko-Koro which Matoro had took years to translate, it mentioned a place of life and death, the place of decision, the place which took the shape of whatever you imagined it to be.He realised a lot now, as if it was a puzzle from which the last piece was finally found. And as he saw it fell together, he asked:"Then you... must be... Death."The mysterious golden figure responded: "Indeed, that is the most common name I have." He paused, looking to his own arms and hands. "Hower this is not the form many of your species imagine me to be, most of them see me as a enemy and attack me, which always results in failure since if they see me as their biggest fear, I become their biggest fear. But you are not one normal members of your species are you?""I... guess..."As they walked through the passages of the village of Ice and started to see the walls of the village Death spoke once again."As you might know, your destiny lies through the second Gate, which will mean your actual death, the dissapearance of your spirit from excistance. And as much I'd like to reveal the ultime truth of the Universe, the answer to any questiona being might have, to you, as a gift I usually give to beings like you, destined to pass the second gate, it appears you already know about the Universes true form.""Yes, yes I do," Matoro answered, remembering the things the mask showed to him during his last moments in the endless sea, "the mask granted that to me, as a final gift of friendship. But wait, I'm not death then?"Death thought for a while and it became silent, for nothing made a sound in this place, nothing at all."... Uhm, well... I'd answer this question with a No... At least, not yet."Matoro looked back as he walked and saw the hall a few meters behind him dissapear, it vanished the way his weapon had did too. From the vague descriptions from death he had understood why this had happened. This was no place located in a far away in the corner of the Universe, this was an idea, an idea, a physical form of Matoro's own imagination. And as he believed something to be gone, it did just that.As the distance to the gates grew shorter, their presence could, with a bit of effort, started to be felt. It was like his weight slowely grew more and more, any step he set. And the feeling of excitement, as if their was something of an uncomprehensible importantness linked to those two legendary gates, burned in his heart.Death broke the silence that had lied all across the hall:"Most beings would, once they learn my identity, attack me, trying to avoid their inavoidable fate by trying to defait me in brute combat. But once they imagine me to be that what they see in their darkest dreams, that what they imagine to live in the darkest corners of the universe, I become exactly that. And fear, Matoro, fear is one of the most powerful and effective weapons in excistance, which would always lead into them miserably failing and eventually turn out to be defaiten by their own foolish imagination. But you did not, you did not fear, not at all, you were different, you were totally different..."Matoro responded, the mask had already revealed much to him about fear,  about him not having it, about him heroicly facing his doom without even a second of doubt."I guess... I am different... or at least my destiny... was different."Death nodded as the presence of the Gates and the constant pressure grew stronger any step. And the distance, grew shorther."Yes, yes you are, for Eons I've seem beings pass by me, many different beings of varied species, but never ever in all those years, I've met someone like you, no being could ever hope to mimick your bravery, no being could ever hope to equal you."Death continued to talk about the beings that had passed him, about the deeds of long-death heroes, annd about anything that had happened to the Universe, that had went before. They talked until the moment they had almost passed through most of the Hall, which only had one Icy wall left in front of them. The feeling of pure excitement burning in Matoro's hard grew to an unbearable exctend, and the feeling of weight on his shoulders grew bigger any second."Now we have arrived, they lie ahead, believe they are there and they will."Matoro thought of the Gates, the legendary portals about which he'd read so much, and to his suprisement, as he believed the words of Death saying they lied ahead, light shined on the wall, melting away the ice, which didn't form damp or water, it dissapeared into nothing, revealing a small stonen room. And as the room became more and more accesible, Matoro was facing such a pressure, that he couldn't hold out, and dropped on the ground, and even than it din't stop. It continued to puch him down, he felt like he was being torn apart.A deep and low voice, sounding frim all over the hall spoke:"Matoro! What you feel is not real, merely a maddening thought located in your mind, believe it to be gone, and it will be!"Matoro took a deep breath, as he remembered the stories of the Toa Mata venturing to the Bahrags lair and had to cross a non-existant wall, he did the same as they had did. He imagined the pressure away, and to his suprise, it worked, the weight on his body had vanished, and only the burning excitement remained.Death grabbed Matoro's hand and helped him to get on his feet. "Come, we must go now, you must now face the gates themselves."Both figures walked in the room, it was plain white and fully lit, yet it was small, nothing compared to the great hall Matoro had passed through.  There were two gates, exactly the same size as the room itself, they looked like they were made of ancient stone, and carvings where on it, carved in the different styles which belonged to the different times. Excitement burned in his heart as he stepped towards the open gate, a small glimpse of darkness escaped through it.But Matoro didn't pass through it, for now he thought about his friends, the Mask had tried to save them, but he didn't know wether it had succeeded or not. He didn't want to end before he knew their fate."I know why you are bothered, friendship is a strong power and as a final gift I'll show you."Matoro gained a vision, his friends, the Toa Mahri, were standing in the middle of the Coliseum, all well, they were honored like real heroes, and everyone cheered and looked happy, everyone except them.Matoro, now regained his bravary and ran through the gate, the end had come."You earned my respect Matoro, and I will not forget."And as the hall colapsed due a lack of imagination, and his body and mind were devoured by the void of the nothingness, a new carving appeared on the gate:Toa Matoro, Bravest of them All.

Edited by Dual Matrix, Apr 28 2013 - 03:15 AM.

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#2 Offline Velox

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Posted May 02 2013 - 02:33 AM

Official SSCC Review

 

So to start out, I really liked the idea behind this story. As I'll state below, the beginning especially was powerful to me, and I loved the image there. However, as the story progressed, it seemed to suffer, mostly from awkward wordings and misspellings. My biggest recommendation would be to check the spelling. I pointed out a couple, but most I didn't. As for awkward wordings, I'd just suggest reading over the passages a few times each. For example, the first paragraph was really well-done--it gives a sense of mystery and fascination, and, if possible, some of that tone should be carried throughout the story. Of course not exactly, as that paragraph is a sort of prologue, if you will, but still. Again, I pointed out a few of these passages, but not all of them. 

 

Sorry for jumping around here, but going back to the idea behind this story, I thought it was definitely really interesting. I liked how, after Matoro's sacrifice, he was brought here and had a conversation with Death before going on through the gates. Death being personified was also definitely very interesting, and I thought you did a good job with it. The setting, too, was at times slightly confusing (I mention a few specifics, but at other times, too, I found myself being a little confused as to what things looked like, and why they worked how they did, etc.).

 

Overall I definitely enjoyed this, and I think that the main thing, again, would just be the spelling, grammar, and structure mistakes. You've got a great idea here, and I enjoyed seeing that. I'll end with a few specific notes:

 

It is said that after death, there lies a hall, a giant hall, fully lit, in contrast to the shadows death brings. And that behind the hall there is a small white room, a room containing two gates. One , the Gate of Life, will bring you back to the world of living, free to continue your life. And the second, dubbed the Gate of Eternity, will lead a soul into the nothingness, leaving it to vanish in the cold of the endless void.

 Technically there's nothing wrong here (except you added a space after "one" before the comma), but I'd recommend restructuring these sentences a bit, as there are quite a lot of commas. Perhaps even replace some of them with periods. It's really just a stylistic choice, and is fine how it is. I only mention it because I really liked this passage--the idea behind it, and the descriptions are just all very well-done--but all the commas did stand out to me.  

In a enormous flash of thousand different colors and a incredibly bright light, a form appeared in the hall.

 Before both "enormous" and "incredibly", the "a" should be "an"--whenever "a" goes before a vowel, the "a" becomes "an". Also, there should be an "a" added between "of" and "thousand" 

 

"That question lies whithin yourself and is not mine to answer, but, come and walk along... And ... you might wan't to leave those, you won't need them here."And as the figure spoke he pointed towards the weapons Matoro carried. Not knowing what was happening, or what lied ahead, Matoro, decided to trust the mysterious being and dropped his weapons and watched in shock how they vanished from excistance moments before they would hit the plain white ground. 

 

Several things stood out to me in this passage. First of all, why wouldn't he need his weapons? After reading the ending, he definitely doesn't need them, no, but I don't see any reason why he had to leave them behind. Secondly, I found it hard to believe that Matoro would just be so trusting, especially for something that just sounds so wrong. What's the point of leaving the weapons here? I can understand Matoro being relaxed, and putting his weapons away, but I just felt like he wouldn't leave them behind completely, especially for someone he doesn't know. And, once again, after reading through the whole story, I just couldn't think of a reason why this would be necessary--it's good to show that Matoro trusts him, but Matoro should have a reason to trust him, and he doesn't have to leave his weapons behind, in my opinion. 

 

And as you earned my respect, I will answer your question without riddles or vagueness, we are here now, standing, in the place you most likely know as, the hall of Eternity."

 

As it is the same person speaking, you do not need the end quotation mark of the line before this one (which you did correctly)--however, you do need the opening quotation mark here before "And".  

But wait, I'm not death then?"

 

Should be "dead"

 

it vanished the way his weapon had did too.

 

"it vanished the same way his weapon had." would be better--there's several ways you could re-work this, but "had did" is not correct.

 

this was an idea, an idea, a physical form of Matoro's own imagination.

 

The second "an idea" isn't needed.

 

As the distance to the gates grew shorter, their presence could, with a bit of effort, started to be felt.

 

Should be "start"--however, I'd recommend re-wording this sentence. By felt I'm assuming that the gates themselves cannot be seen, but only "felt" which should be made clearer, as well as how exactly he's able to feel them. 

 

as if their was something of an uncomprehensible importantness linked to those two legendary gates, burned in his heart.

 

"their" should be "there", and "uncomprehensible importantness" should be "incomprehensible importance" 

 

Matoro thought of the Gates, the legendary portals about which he'd read so much, and to his suprisement,

 

Should be just "surprise"

 

 

And thus concludes my review. Keep writing, Dual Matrix, and good luck in any future endeavors. ^_^

 

 

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