Edited by Dual Matrix, Apr 28 2013 - 03:15 AM.
Through the Gates of Eternity
Posted Apr 22 2013 - 04:22 PM
Posted May 02 2013 - 02:33 AM
Official SSCC Review
So to start out, I really liked the idea behind this story. As I'll state below, the beginning especially was powerful to me, and I loved the image there. However, as the story progressed, it seemed to suffer, mostly from awkward wordings and misspellings. My biggest recommendation would be to check the spelling. I pointed out a couple, but most I didn't. As for awkward wordings, I'd just suggest reading over the passages a few times each. For example, the first paragraph was really well-done--it gives a sense of mystery and fascination, and, if possible, some of that tone should be carried throughout the story. Of course not exactly, as that paragraph is a sort of prologue, if you will, but still. Again, I pointed out a few of these passages, but not all of them.
Sorry for jumping around here, but going back to the idea behind this story, I thought it was definitely really interesting. I liked how, after Matoro's sacrifice, he was brought here and had a conversation with Death before going on through the gates. Death being personified was also definitely very interesting, and I thought you did a good job with it. The setting, too, was at times slightly confusing (I mention a few specifics, but at other times, too, I found myself being a little confused as to what things looked like, and why they worked how they did, etc.).
Overall I definitely enjoyed this, and I think that the main thing, again, would just be the spelling, grammar, and structure mistakes. You've got a great idea here, and I enjoyed seeing that. I'll end with a few specific notes:
It is said that after death, there lies a hall, a giant hall, fully lit, in contrast to the shadows death brings. And that behind the hall there is a small white room, a room containing two gates. One , the Gate of Life, will bring you back to the world of living, free to continue your life. And the second, dubbed the Gate of Eternity, will lead a soul into the nothingness, leaving it to vanish in the cold of the endless void.
Technically there's nothing wrong here (except you added a space after "one" before the comma), but I'd recommend restructuring these sentences a bit, as there are quite a lot of commas. Perhaps even replace some of them with periods. It's really just a stylistic choice, and is fine how it is. I only mention it because I really liked this passage--the idea behind it, and the descriptions are just all very well-done--but all the commas did stand out to me.
In a enormous flash of thousand different colors and a incredibly bright light, a form appeared in the hall.
Before both "enormous" and "incredibly", the "a" should be "an"--whenever "a" goes before a vowel, the "a" becomes "an". Also, there should be an "a" added between "of" and "thousand"
"That question lies whithin yourself and is not mine to answer, but, come and walk along... And ... you might wan't to leave those, you won't need them here."And as the figure spoke he pointed towards the weapons Matoro carried. Not knowing what was happening, or what lied ahead, Matoro, decided to trust the mysterious being and dropped his weapons and watched in shock how they vanished from excistance moments before they would hit the plain white ground.
Several things stood out to me in this passage. First of all, why wouldn't he need his weapons? After reading the ending, he definitely doesn't need them, no, but I don't see any reason why he had to leave them behind. Secondly, I found it hard to believe that Matoro would just be so trusting, especially for something that just sounds so wrong. What's the point of leaving the weapons here? I can understand Matoro being relaxed, and putting his weapons away, but I just felt like he wouldn't leave them behind completely, especially for someone he doesn't know. And, once again, after reading through the whole story, I just couldn't think of a reason why this would be necessary--it's good to show that Matoro trusts him, but Matoro should have a reason to trust him, and he doesn't have to leave his weapons behind, in my opinion.
And as you earned my respect, I will answer your question without riddles or vagueness, we are here now, standing, in the place you most likely know as, the hall of Eternity."
As it is the same person speaking, you do not need the end quotation mark of the line before this one (which you did correctly)--however, you do need the opening quotation mark here before "And".
But wait, I'm not death then?"
Should be "dead"
it vanished the way his weapon had did too.
"it vanished the same way his weapon had." would be better--there's several ways you could re-work this, but "had did" is not correct.
this was an idea, an idea, a physical form of Matoro's own imagination.
The second "an idea" isn't needed.
As the distance to the gates grew shorter, their presence could, with a bit of effort, started to be felt.
Should be "start"--however, I'd recommend re-wording this sentence. By felt I'm assuming that the gates themselves cannot be seen, but only "felt" which should be made clearer, as well as how exactly he's able to feel them.
as if their was something of an uncomprehensible importantness linked to those two legendary gates, burned in his heart.
"their" should be "there", and "uncomprehensible importantness" should be "incomprehensible importance"
Matoro thought of the Gates, the legendary portals about which he'd read so much, and to his suprisement,
Should be just "surprise"
And thus concludes my review. Keep writing, Dual Matrix, and good luck in any future endeavors.
"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender
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