There are a few things that make Canadian speech distinctive, eh? I like that Canadians have their own way of talking. It would also be kind of cool if there was a distinctive Canadian standardized spelling just like there is in America, but I understand that they don't have a dictionary written by a nationalistic Noah Webster who wanted to distinguish American English from British English. Canada gets along much better with Great Britain and shares the same royalty, so I get it. Still, Canada is on a different continent than the U.K., and you'd expect their English to have diverged a little more than it has over the course of these last several hundred years. I'm disappointed.

If I could make just one suggestion to Canada, I would like it if they didn't use the distinctively British word "mum." I'm not saying that they should adopt the American "mom," but they're North Americans, and they should speak like North Americans. Therefore, I propose a halfway between the two: "moom."

"Moom" works for several reasons. First, its spelling looks more like the American "mom" and gives it a North American flair, but it's still pronounced with a variant of the "u" sound, which makes it sound British. Second, it rhymes with "womb," which is a necessary article for biological motherhood, and I can see that being convenient for Canadian poets. In fact, it rhymes with a lot of things, which can't quite be said for "mom." Finally, it sounds about right when you consider that Canadians pronounce "about" as "aboot." I can really imagine a Canadian saying "Stop talking aboot my moom!" It works well with the accent. Nay, it enhances the accent.

Come to think of it, I think that all English-speaking countries should have their own pronunciation of "mum/moom/mom." New Zealand can call them "merms," and Australia, with their proclivity for diphthongs, can call their mothers "moum." Jamaicans can say "maim," the Hong Kongers will say "meem" (and they will share on Facebook memes about their meems), and the Irish will say "mam." Wait, what's that? The Irish already call their mothers "mam?" And wait a minute, the Scottish refer to their mothers as "ma?" Good for them! They just past the litmus test of "I can tell where you're from based on how you refer to the matriarch of your household."

Suddenly, my mind is on the subject of Irish Wolfhounds. I really want one. And a kangaroo.