Tonight was fun, really.

And at the end, educational.

This year was filled with click flicks. Sex and the City, What Happens In Vegas, etc.

Though once every year, Hollywood makes one movie that justifies everything for the male side of the race.

Last year's was 300.

This year's...

WANTED.

Full review on it, later...

The end of the night, after my dad and I eat at UNO (Rattlesnake Pasta, no jalapenos por favor) plus grab some things from CVS (I pronounce it completely. Cv's.) he talked to me some in the car before I step into the lobby of the apartment. He asks a few things just about everything I've done or am going to do, and we part ways.

I told him about my new routine, which is going to the park near downtown and play baseball with the guys I've known my entire life. I tell him I first got into it because of Saulo. Saulo, I've known for as long as I remember. He's like another dad (and a freakin' good one too) to me. Love the guy. He's fun, he's nice, I've worked with him too before working for my dad last year when I was around 12 or 13. He was great. I truly love the guy like family, never done me wrong.

So when I tell my dad that Saulo invited a couple weeks back to play ball, he starts going on...

He say's that after the whole thing, Saulo started to treat him much differently.

When he was driving around, he saw Saulo pass him by going around the corner. They obviously saw each other. My dad waved and said, "Hey, Saulo!" and Saulo gave him the cold shoulder. A complete ignore. Turns away, and keeps driving.

Another time, they were in the same aisle at Home Depot, and my dad greeted him like before, and the cold shoulder. Saulo's aware of everything around him. He doesn't wander off in thought, he pays attention to many things.

Dad goes on to say that Saulo shouldn't judge him for leaving my mom. He says that he should mind his business, because someday he's going to need him and he will give the cold shoulder to that. He used a Brazilian expression, "You can't plant beans and expect rice. You can't plant apples and expect to get oranges."

After some trailing off that topic and me FINALLY leaving his SUV, I told my mom this, and she said the following:

"Saulo use to look up to dad when he was a pastor, like dad was a great guy. After the thing, he was broken."

It seems that my father broke more hearts than I thought.

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I worry...

I'm afraid, really.

I have bad daydreams where I consider the concept of what if I done what my dad did to my future wife and kids?

I even talked to Omi about this, a little. I told him I'm afraid to be a dad. If I have a daughter, I don't want her to be the high school my mom. If I have a son, I don't want him to be an alcoholic, pot smoking, druggie or drug seller. I don't want him cutting his wrists when he's super stressed. I don't want him to a fool. Nor my daughter. Those are the two biggest fears in my future life.

I sometime think that I should spare my wife and kids the trouble. Never get married, never have kids, nothing. Live my life, and move on to the next (<-too Christian for ya?). But Omi said I should take the risk. There's a chance I won't do what my dad did, and there's a chance I won't have that happen.

His words are encouraging, but the fear still lingers.

Especially with how good of a friend I apparently am with everyone. I believe when someone asks for something, give them twice of whats expected. Hendrick, friend of mine back in Maynard (mentioned him once before), talked about how good of a friend I was because I bought him lunch at MickyD's just so we could stay the place and talk. Friend of mine, Kory, says I'm amazing sometimes. Lluvio said the same.

Now what would happen if I pulled a Dad and break all their hearts?

I feel my betrayal of you all coming. I know it.

I feel like one day, at the peak of life, when everything is going great... I got wife that loves me, I got the kids that want to be me, and I got the friends who never want to leave my side, that I'll commit one single action that'll break whatever foundation they had with me, and it all goes to heck.

My dad did that.

Eventually, I'm pretty sure I will too...

~AA