I have totally messed up. Let me emphasize. Like choking and walking off the stage in the middle of a concert, throwing an interception when you are in position to win the game. That is how badly I have managed to mess up. I blame myself for allowing my worry of being hurt again gain hold of me.

I was stupid enough to show supreme discomfort with Christina being in Vegas on vacation with her best friend, and the other tag along, her ex boyfriend. Granted, my worry turned into fear, which led to distrust which Christina picked up on. She figured out I didn't trust her enough that I was afraid she would make the same mistake that nearly all of my past girlfriends have made, cheating on me. She just left me with one thing that has been stuck on my mind since Saturday.

"You know I haven't had the best boyfriends before, but I still trust you. I don't compare you to them. I KNOW you won't do what they did because I trust you. I thought you would feel the same."

Those words along with crushing agony and a heavy heart is all I have felt since then. Nothing can put a smile on my face. She doesn't even want to hear my apologies. I don't know what to do beside wait for her to forgive me. Which feels like an eternity, with pain. Will I even be able to forgive myself?