Coming home yesterday from the library (finally got my card sorted, yay), I began thinking about the last few years of life, in particular about my friendship with the girl I've come to like quite a bit.

I think I may have screwed up quite a bit.

In 06 I remember she was quite affectionate towards me (after all, that's when we first actually met and talked for the first time, I had seen her around and stuff but didn't know her and wasn't really interested). In particular I remember on the last day of school, which was sort of like a beach fun day or whatever, she came up behind me and put her hands in front of my eyes and said "Guess who?" In my usual way, I said something like "I have no idea, heh." Also throughout that year she said on numerous occasions that she loved me, in those words. I either shrugged her off, not believing her (because who on earth would be interested in me?) or I had no fit response for it because of the awkwardness I still have somewhat today.

07 was much the same, only less frequent I guess. I'm not sure whether she asked me dance with her at the formal or not, but I'm sure it was one of the reasons I was miserable was because I purposely made myself miserable by not dancing and joining in the fun. Just sat at the table drinking Coke and walking around a bit, inside and outside. Later, when Speech Night was on, she came up to me and hugged me for the first time as I was about to leave. I heard laughing or "Ooooh!"-ing from somewhere, so part in embarassment, and partly because I really needed to go home, I left pretty quickly, not saying anything. Couple of days later we had to go back to school to pick up our results for the year, and I met her there. She wasn't exactly chatty to me.

Last year was pretty quiet, I kept to myself most of the time, and I rarely saw her because of how our timetables were. Even when we were in class together, for some reason or other we didn't talk as much as I would have liked or expected. Although the day after one of our midyear exams was really nice, with her and her best friends, who is probably one of my best friends as well, and also the reason for this, where we had Hungry Jacks afterwards (Burger King to you). Anyway, the girl I like were left alone at one point during this. Great oppurtunity missed.

This year is when I've realised that I probably do love her, but again I haven't done anything about it, and missed some key oppurtunites. She asked for my number (albeit so she could just annoy me and wake me up in the morning, she said, or words to that effect), but I refused, on the grounds that I rarely use my phone and texting costs too much for my liking until I get my plan changed, which I have no intention of doing. She may never ask again. Still, though, she may like me, as she really insisted on going to her 18th (I did), one of her best male friends' 18th (which she did), and she surprised me by coming to mine, because these days she's not in my closest group of friends, and my 18th was mostly just that. And her. She even got me a card and present too. I didn't know what to think. Anyway, in the last month or so, with the only class I have with her this year (where we do talk quite a bit), more often than not I have been frustrated with the work we've been doing and have taken it out on her. Pretty savagely. That was what this was about.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that if she did like me, she doesn't nearly as much anymore, and when these holidays are over, if I think of asking her out anywhere, she'll say no or it's too late. Either way, I've stuffed things up. I think.

Had to get that off my chest somewhere, preferably to people I don't know who have no idea who anyone I talked about is. So you guys fitted the bill!