Christmas may come but once a year, but that doesn't seems to stop it from coming earlier every year.

More that 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and there were already yuletide decorations this past weekend at the Mall of Louisiana. (No Google map this time, as I am lazy. However, take the Bluebonnet exit off of I-10 in Baton Rouge, and you literally can't miss it.)

Anyway, I decided to get a jump start on Christmas gifts. I saw something for my mom at the Disney Store.

[secret] I don't think she reads my blog, so I'll tell you all what I saw for her Saturday: an arctic (white/blue) plush Eeyore. She's a big Eeyore fan, and back when I didn't live near a Disney Store, every time I visited one, I had this moral obligation to buy her something with Eeyore.[/secret]

Anyway, I went to the Esplanade (the mall in Kenner) during lunch yesterday, and got myself a new Chick-fil-A calendar, since this month's coupon was a free chicken sandwich with a calendar purchase. And, y'know, I need a calendar for my office that all none of you have seen, except as the background in my Toa Nuparu set review. (That's my desk Nuparu's standing on.)

Got the calendar, munching on the sandwich, and I check my watch: 12:10. That took entirely too little time, so I'll head downstairs to the Disney Store and pick up my mom's gift. (I go for one, thoughtful gift per season. I'm cheap, but I do a bit of thinking in it.)

$24.50 -38.8% sale +8.75% sales tax later, I'm some tissue paper and tape away from being done with my mom's tree present.

I leave the Disney Store but don't go back up the same escalator. Lo and behold, Santa Claus, or at least his proxy, has already arrived at the Esplanade, and is receiving requests.

It's not even the week of Thanksgiving yet.

*emphatic sigh*

I greet the man in red with a Joyeux Nöel. He replies, to my dismay: Feliz Navidad.

*another emphatic sigh*

French is becoming so neglected versus Spanish.

As I'm passing the sleigh setup, this guy approaches me from his mobile boutique (You know, the carts that will have cell phone accessories, or wood carving names, or candied nuts, out in the middle of the walkways.), asking for a moment of my time.

Uh, okay.

The guy's name is Yuri, and he proceeds to ask me if I'm Christmas shopping. Next thing I know, he's rubbing down the middle fingernail of my right hand with a sanding sponge. He's giving me a manicure for a product demonstration, and the only thing I'm thinking is "Can I please have my hand back?".

I can clearly see the flourescent bulbs in the light fixture in my office in the reflection of my middle fingernail. This is supposed to persist for two weeks.

As a reward for making it through such a long entry, here's something for your amusement (as if my unwanted manicure wasn't enough humor at my expense):

These are REAL 911 Calls!

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you cool dude! This is her husband!

 

And the winner is..........

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

-KIE