krikanalo

But I'm sure there's another reason why that name stood out, and it comes off the same idea.

kinshasa is the capital of the democratic republic of the congo and a naming choice like that isn't something you normally see with bionicle OCs, let alone the actual toyline itself

but besides that... interesting chapter, if a bit short. very compelling. i liked the dialogue.

“Careful”

“Indeed, I am an old fool”

“Move”

“Trap”

forgot to put punctuation marks at the end

hmm. interesting story. very cerebral and compelling. i would've liked to see more out of the premise, admittedly, since you wrote it so well, but i can't say i'm not happy with what i got.

a few errors, like such:

"Sheath your blade, even if you could use it, you'd have been vaporized if it reached a foot of me." he smiled as I complied. "Thank you for the information."

• change sheath to sheathe
• change the comma after "Sheathe your blade" to a period, since the sentence is a run-on otherwise
• capitalize "He"

but nothing too major. all in all, very well done.

another well-written chapter. i liked the dialogue and use of detail.

interesting prologue. i like the status quo you've established.

Where did I break the fourth wall?

huh. i swear the golden being was messing with the narration. maybe i'm confusing this story with another.

great chapter, by the way. i especially liked the introduction of kinshasa. clever inspiration for a name, that.

very interesting start. i like how you've developed your OC so far.

one. lime paradox's insanely surreal SBaHJ homage has spoken to me in unorthodox terms, as it usually always does.

cool drawing. i like the kaukau and the LOMN-styled torso. the colouring was a little lazy, though.

another well-written chapter. keep it up. the fourth wall breakage (?) was a bit confusing, but you made it work.

A golden face looked from behind the bars, which he unlocked. He simply held out his hand to the Toa.

Tacker took it.

best lines

 

 

To then treat this as a female-only trend ignores the underlying problem of a lack of an equal sample size. There's only one female in the group but five males --

I admit I'm coming into this conversation a bit late, but wouldn't the lack of female characters seem to imply an overarching sexist theme in the narrative?

 

yeah pretty much

the great beings were so sexist that they couldn't even bother to add in more and make the ones that are already there more personable

man what is even up with those guys

woah, great short story. i like how you built up suspense around what exactly was attacking the village until near the end. lovely use of description and metaphors and your voice is awesome. nicely done!

great chapter. really well paced.

After all, how could you steal a Spirit?

that's a good question, actually. very thought-provoking.

But if the Skakdi had a mind-control device, best not to take any risks.

What I wouldn’t give for a Matatu, but then I wouldn’t be able to escape.

these two sentences read kind of awkwardly imo. maybe you should add some extra words or punctuation marks to make them flow better.

Instead, he calmly walked over to the being. Twenty Skakdi pointed weapons at him. Tacker ignored that and calmly extended a hand to the being.

hoo hoo hoooo :B well played tacker

aaah, nicely done! this was a great story- really well written, characterized, paced, and described. it might not be the finish to the story that you (and I) were hoping for, but it sure as heck makes for a nice elaboration on it- as disciple previously mentioned, i especially like the last line! makes for a nice full circle book-end, if you will.

iirc it was a horrible comedy involving tahu and gali going on a date

or a speculation on who was the toa of light

honestly both of them are excruciatingly cringeworthy to think about

another great chapter. keep it up.

“Remember, Tacker, most Toa have to fight to defeat their enemies. We have to fight to make sure that there are enemies left to fight."

best line. interesting interpretation of an average toa's mindset.

"Tacker" Kali grumbled.

no punctuation mark at the end of the line of dialogue

It was clear that the Toa and the other defenders weren’t out to kill him, merely to figure out what he was doing

why did the font suddenly get so small? (in the actual story, anyway. i didn't render it here)

GO NINJA GO NINJA GO NINJA GO

top 10 billboard 100 golden grammy award-selling hit

(yeesh this is bad)

the future is finally upon us

thank you, bzp staff

interesting start. your pacing is good, there's a lot of vivid details, and the original characters you've made are developed well and (i presume) interact well with the canon ones. i will follow!

nice little series of stories! each are well-written, have great pacing, and develop their characters well. the only problem i have is that every story but the first was extremely dialogue-heavy; though you already noted that, i think it'd be nice if you added just a bit more description.

great job!

 

intriguing... the building style reminds me of that used for those pokemon sets that were out a while back

There were pokemon sets?

yeah. not from lego though (i think they were made by some random no-name company)

intriguing... the building style reminds me of that used for those pokemon sets that were out a while back

woah! this is pretty cool. lovin' the colouring and lineart, as always. as vezok's friend points out, the use of lighting is awesome too.

also i know this was basically indicated with the contest's name but is it wrong for me to notice the slight influence from attack on titan

what a great fansite

i hope it continues to be great

perhaps the solution is not eliminating their juvenile jokes and gags, but rather embracing them

that's a very good point. a lot of tv series, book series, and comic books nowadays (i cite gravity falls and the TMNT reboot as specific examples) have a nice balance of action and humour and they work really, really well. hero factory and legends of chima would probably be a lot better received if they stayed lighthearted, but tried to be a bit more serious now and then; from what i've seen, HF has tried to do this. i'm not too sure about chima.

another great chapter. i'm interested to see why onua suddenly fell unconscious- perhaps all toa have been attacked by marendar?

"You know, you couldn't be further from our Teridax. You any good with that stick of yours?"

this line i especially liked, for some reason. i guess it was just funny to see how casual onua was being towards a guy whose alternate universe counterpart was once his archenemy.