the_void

nows the time everyone

laptops up and running and there will be a 2 part special for christmas

stupid stupid laptop getting viruses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!aaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!!!!!! just when i need it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry about this guys, its like the laptops cursed

sorry guys no more parts for 2 weeks my laptops seriously fried

 

I agree with the others that your style is unique... however, Turtleman is right, it's quite hard to decipher anything other than the dialogue (which is, at times, also hard to decipher).

So far I've gathered that someone wants to rule over the Matoran, who leave and are imprisoned, then become titanic Toa of some kind... and also the Barraki are looking for Carapar's corpse.

 

A corpse that doesn't exist considering Carapar was disintegrated by Tren Krom. That's already a contradiction to what he originally said:

 

I've decided to do a fan series continuing from the last official series

 

If it's continuing from the official story-line, Carapar will not be able to be revived and there's been no explanation as to why all the Toa have suddenly all died/vanished.

 

Honestly I disagree with what most of the people here have been saying and I feel they're just trying to not upset you, but the whole thing so far is full of plot holes and confusing situations, and the fast pace of it doesn't give enough time for proper character and story development, it's just one quick scene and then boom, on to the next without any sort of explanation as to what was just going on. I feel that there is also too much dialogue going on (in short bursts I might add) and not enough actual story telling. It's just like reading a transcript of sorts, which I don't think this is meant to be, is it? The format also make it very hard to follow, not to mention the constantly changing font styles, poor grammar and broken formatting tags which can just throw you right off. If you are to continue this as a continuation to the official story, your plot will probably need some revisions.

 

Try reading some of the other stories that members have posted, analyse how they lay it out and the ratio of dialogue with the telling of the story that they use. Use what you learn from reading these to adapt your story into a more stable format, because it will make a very noticeable improvement. Do that and you'll be on the right path, my friend.

 

thanks for the comment but i'm sticking with my original dialogue style, also you say carapar was disintegrated but why then do the barraki bury carrapars body in tales of the deep issue #36 it could be they bury ashes or something left of carapar.

Also there will be a reason the other toa disappear connected to the barraki needing to sacrifice bionicle to bring back carapar

chapter 2: breakout: part 3

the dust clears around the dungeon and later (a lot later) hearing returns our matoran heroes are walking through the desolate sands

"I told you to trust me"

"I know!"

"Excuse me but we need some explanations, one who are you?, two why were you in prison?, and three why do you keep ducking and diving behind those rocks?!"

"OK I'll explain, I don't know who i am or why i was locked up and the reason im hiding is for some unknown reason sunlight burns!"

"I know what you are"

"you do?"

"ye you'r a kra matoran"

"wait a second komi your saying this guy is shadow matoran?"

"yes"

"wait a second guys where are we anyway?"

"in the middle of a desert"

"so why is there hand prints in this rock?"

"what?"

"theres 7 hand prints in this rock and they have symbols under them ta, ga, le, po, onu, ko and kra"

"isn't that us

valko is ta matoran

oshi is ga matoran

rota is le matoran

notrode is po matoran

gruti is onu matoran

i'm ko matoran

and no name here is kra matoran"

"komi you might just be right my hand is tingling and the print is glowing"

"should we put our hands on them valko?"

"on the count of three guys 1! 2! 3!

chapter3 toa and rahkshi part 1

aaaaaaaagh!!!

as the matoran place there hand on the rock they are overwhelmed by the power they feel they all pass out in the sands there bodies lurch and expand to two times there hight they are the toa kratus unlike the other toa before them they are different a combination of pit mutagen and shadow leech chemicals make them dark still toa still good but resemble makuta

"that hurt"

"oh you don't sat captain obvious!"

Hey! You have a pretty nice story going on here, and your style is definitely unique. My one suggestion would be to include text that tells who is speaking. For example, in Chapter 1, Reborn part 1, this is some of your text:

 

"ssso how do we do thisss without carapar?""what do you mean without him ehlik""well he'sss dead ssso""so we bring him back!""um takadox how do we do that!?""question me again pridak and you will find my blade going through your head!, we find his body and we start the rebirth""that would mean killing hundreds""so?"

 

While you, being the author, may understand who's speaking, it's more difficult for the reader. You can easily fix this by adding a few words to each line, just to show he's speaking, like so:

"ssso how do we do thisss without carapar?" Ehlek hissed."what do you mean without him ehlik," Taxadox replied."well he'sss dead ssso""so we bring him back!""um takadox," Pridak said. "how do we do that!?""question me again pridak," Taxadox snarled, "and you will find my blade going through your head!, we find his body and we start the rebirth""that would mean killing hundreds"Taxadox laughed. "so?"

 

Just those little additions would make the story much easier to follow for your average reader.

 

I'd also like to see more description! You're created this fascinating new society, but we don't know what it looks like. What do the buildings look like? How big are the cities? What does city hall look like? Adding just a bit of description in between your dialogue would make your story that much more real.

 

Keep going! I'm looking forward to see where you take this story.

hm the chances of you being Justin bieber are 221,456,332 to 1 but in the bizarre roll of fates our lives are you could just be Justin in witch case Justin thank you for your comment i dislike your music but if you like bionicle we may just have a common interest

guys i'm really sorry but i can't do a part today but there will be 2 on sunday

So, to be honest, I am completely confused. The way this is written really shouldn't be entertaining at all, and quite frankly I should hate it. However, I don't. At all. Indeed, I kind of love it.

 

I don't know what it is, but for some reason I find this all dialogue style to be quite interesting, and it allows the reader to have a vivid idea of what everything looks like in his or her own head. Your use of italics and a larger font in the first part of the second chapter, for instance, instantly conveyed the proper tone of voice for that section. I do wish that you would use more "proper" grammar, if only because then later you could use the lack of capitalization to, for example, make it seem like the characters are whispering or something along those lines.

 

Another reason this is a fun read, I think, is the speed at which one can read each chapter. I read each part of the newest chapter in under a minute probably. This is by no means a bad thing, as it gives your epic quite a different feel from everything else.

 

All in all, I have no idea why I want to read more of this so much, but I do. This is a far from perfect epic, but it makes up for that by just being fun. Keep it up, and please start capitalizing the beginning of sentences at least? =P

thanks I do need to work on my grammar but I'm working a lot on a tablet and if you haven't seen I'm twelve so my grammar needs some work but i'm getting better with it

hm 2 times a week went down well, lets try 3 times a week

chapter 2: breakout: part 2

"you have until the count of 3 to show yourself or i will be forced to attack"

"you'll be forced?"

"yes now show yourself"

"by who?"

"what?"

"you said you'd be forced, by who?"

"um.."

"exactly you don't have to fire"

"but what if you attack us?"

"you are enemies of esorach correct and the enemy of my enemy is my friend"

"are we meant to to trust you or something?"

"you're not meant to but you should"

"how can we, we can't even see you"

"well i can"

"shut up komi!"

"i'll prove you can trust me"

...

CRACKOBLAM!!!

"VALKO! I! THINK! I'VE! GONE! DEAF"

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

chapter 2: breakout: part 1

voyu nui palace dungeon

"this is all your fault valko this isn't fair he said, we have rights he said, obey the laws he said, please don't throw me in the dungeon he said for mata nui's sake valko what were you thinking!"

"he had no right!"

"i think we're not alone valko"

"of course we're not alone komi there's six of us"

"no discounting us there's still one"

"what? how would you know that?"

"i worked in a observatory i'm good at looking at things"

"ok then, show yourself prisoner"

"i can't i'll burn"

"where are you"

"in the shadows around you"

This story is, without doubt, the most interesting and promising I've ever read. Your excellent use of dialogue forces the reader to follow the plot as carefully as possible, and your introducing many separate villains at once helps up the stakes and therefore make the story more engaging. Keep up the good work, the_void!

After bionicle finished this site was in updation, for a long time when we needed it most so I did the math and found out this site has 47,680 members and under 600 have been on at once since the update so I am organising a event everyone who can will come online, january 1st at 18.00 in Britian but different places have different times so you'll have to find when it starts in your time zone, we will all stay on for 1hour just to make sure also make sure you tell everyone

I looked around and I found that most other epics are weekly so to boost this one's popularity there will be 2 parts a week so enjoy Chapter 1: reborn part 3The graveyards of the bionicle who fought in the great spherus magna war are silent and peacefulUntil ​ ​BOOM!​The ground is shaken, dust and rock fly into the air and six figures walk out of there graves ... or that's what it look like at first but then more and more climb from there graves there smaller than the six but not by much 42 in all "you were right guurahk you could disintegrate that rock""ha of course I could turahk you doubt me even after this long""our numbers are to great these broken fools can't stop us none shall stand in our way"

You know, the way you write the story is quite unique. It provides only what the characters say to further the plot, which if done right, can create a marvelous story. Another interesting thing is how you leave it to the reader to figure out on his own who says what, which can be good, again, if done correctly. I did manage it when I thoroughly read it, it's not too difficult, and I have to say, all in all, the story you are plotting out here is quite intriguing.

Thanks

name:oni mukaiAge:unknownspecies:toa oni / toa of the nightGender:maleChaotic good / lawful evilPowers:invisible when in shadows, can teleport in shadows and has control of everything in shadows can hypnotize the evilWeaknesses:all powers do not work in sunlight Relatives:one brother: toa of the dayBasic info:6ft tall various weapons has memory loss and uses questionable methods to get what he whants

the next part has been written let the fame and friends commence ... please

chapter 1: reborn part 2

We rejoin the action at city hall in voyu nui the new bionicle city.

"order! order! order in the room please, as you all know we are in danger, we know nothing of this new world and that is why we must work together to overcome this tragedy. Mata nui is gone now all toa are either lost or dead that is why me your mighty leader esorach and the council of voyu nui has declared supreme control over this new land and as our thirst degree we shall-"

"why?"

"what did you say?"

"why?"

"please leave all questions till the end"

"why!, you have no wright to enslave us we are all equal rule 3! this goes against the 5 laws! and our rights!"

"if you do not like this the leave! that goes for all of you puny matoran!, i am in charge now not you!"

"we should not be enslaved like this!, all matoran who stand with me raise your hands"

...

"i will go with you"

"i will go also"

"​silence!"

"never!"

"all you worms who associate yourselves with this fool will perish!"

"i will go with you"

"me to!"

"and me"

"then that settles it we are leaving"

​"no!, you are not! guards imprison them!"

another minor plot point, but how exactly would a hero "redeem himself"?

The redeeming part is more about villains or heroes turned villains who seek redemption by for example being good citizens, being charitable or fighting for good

Hi there. Im here to review your epic. As you have not written much just yet, I cant say much about the plot, but what I will say is it seems a little confusing. Now you say its after Makuta and Mata Nui are gone. As I know a little bit about the Bionicle story I think that this is on Sepherus Magna. Whats important to remember is that you have to assume that the reader knows very little about the universe you're creating your story in. You don t have to go out crazy and explain what a Toa or Matoran is, but maybe something a little more detailed, like where are they and why are they there. For example right something explains that they are there because The Mata Nui universe was destroyed and hoe that happened. You don't have to do paragraphs on paragraphs explaining this but maybe a few sentences would be nice, just so we get a grip of where the stories talking place and ultimately makes it a more pleasurable experience when reading your work.

 

Another thing I would like you to do would be to proof read your work. Whilst reading through it, there is a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in your work which makes it very difficult to read. Before you post, just make sure to read through it carefully and see if it makes sense. If possible get someone else to do it for you. It can be hard to read your work the way others might.

 

Also, when characters are speaking, make sure you always start on a new line when a new character speaks otherwise things can be really confusing. You seem to have some decent dialogue in there but with out it being tidied up, Im not sure who is saying what.

 

Just some tips to help you in your next chapters.

 

PM if you need any more help.

Thanks this is really helpful I think I'll do some explaining here if that's ok about the spelling I'm doing a lot on a tablet and the touch screen is let's just say "difficult"

chapter 1: reborn part 1 "so ... what are we going to do?" "rebuild our domain" "ye OK, how do we do that" "we all spread out and conquer our rightful land" "but how?" "mantox if i new that i'd tell you!!!" "ssso how do we do thisss without carapar?" "what do you mean without him ehlik" "well he'sss dead ssso" "so we bring him back!" "um takadox how do we do that!?" "question me again pridak and you will find my blade going through your head!, we find his body and we start the rebirth" "that would mean killing hundreds" "so?"

here is the place to discuss my epic storyline bionicle the new blood

http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=11201&hl

prologue.

2 days have past since the end of makuta hundreds of bionicles lie dead in the sands of spheres magna. Mata nui is no more the next weeks will be tough for all bionicle good or evil, but out of the power vacuums new bionicle must come a new saviors and new destroyers

but first the bionicle must construct new cities, farms, villages and most of all a democracy

the first of things to come were 5 rules

1.all life is precious no bionicle who is righteous may harm accept when it could stop more bionicle being harmed then he or she has the right to attack

2.all possessions are rights of there owners, none shall steal

3.all bionicle are essentialy equal toa lives are not worth more than matoran lives or vice versa

4.all bionicle will be charitable every villages must have things for those who have none

5.all these rules apply to righteous bionicle they do not apply to the unrighteous but all bionicle have the chance to redeem themselves villain or hero

hello this is my first time on bzpower although I have been a bionicle fan for years.

I've decided to do a fan series continuing from the last official series if you dislike my story's take it somewhere else thank you.

there will be one new part each week, but for now unity! duty! destiny!

the story starts tomorrow until then good bye

ok then this topic is closed please do not post until mods close it fully

http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=11201&hl

Welcome to the site. This particular forum is for discussion of official storyline released by Lego. If you want to share a story written by yourself, please do so in one of the three sections of the Library.

can I move this to there or should I get this one closed and start new there?

hello this is my first time on bzpower although i have been a bionicle fan for years.

i've decided to do a fan series continuing from the last official series if you dislike my story's take it somewhere else thank you.

there will be one new part each week, but for now unity! duty! destiny!