Toaraga

Why do storage bags only come in one quart and one gallon? What if you have something too big for one and too small for the other?

If Rand Paul had Scott Walker as his running mate, they'd have a Paul-Walker presidential campaign.

You can never truly dance around a subject; you can only dance around the object of a preposition. #GrammarNerd

Sometimes it's not a good idea to randomly shout lyrics from @switchfoot. If you scream, "I'm bleeding," it worries people.

Basically #Yoda lives in swampland, which explains the wrinkles. I'm sure the planet was originally called Day-Go-Spa #LighterSideoftheForce

A good mechanic works hard and never takes a brake.

The day we learn to sit up is the day we begin to raise ourselves. #grammar

Proof the #Friendszone does exist. https://t.co/6NPMH9V3jQ

If Hansel and Gretel had instead dropped rice along their path, they could've just followed the trail of bloated birds back home.

I'm offended by #StarbucksRedCup. They totally skipped the Thanksgiving Day cups and didn't even wait for #BlackFriday. Where's the outrage?

Bought a #SelfieStick. It won't stop taking pictures of itself.

I hear someone's making maps with terrain represented by human insides. The heart is mountain, the kidney is lake... and the lung is road.

If the sister of your mom or dad stays awake all night watching and praying, would that make her a vigil auntie?

The "hottest" hard-to-find item of the season. #WhileSuppliesLast https://t.co/imKxBaofIu

Heard there were people camping out for #BlueBell last night... guess ice cream goes well with nuts.

Tonight's the night we get an extra hour of #Halloween. If you wake up like a zombie tomorrow, it might not be because #DaylightSavingTime

In #GoosebumpsMovie, Black played Stine, and Stine played Black.

Not sure which is worst: not finding what I'm looking for, forgetting what I'm looking for, or forgetting why I was looking for it.

If you break noodles down, they will become more pasta-ful than you can possibly imagine.

Wanna see a historical documentary that's not accurate but is certainly entertaining, check out #BackToTheFuture2. #StillNoHoverboard

Looking forward to the new #StarWars movie. I hear #CaptainHook becomes the newest starfighter pilot during an epic bumper car chase scene.

What is half a #pairofscissors called?