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Noxryn

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Blog Entries posted by Noxryn

  1. Noxryn

    Title

    By Noxryn,

    It's weird actually becoming busy with life and stuff.
     
    But yeah, I've been a Barista for about... three months now? Almost? Still working on some other side projects, some just for me, some are a collaboration with my housemate who moved in with us.
     
    Kinda getting sucked into things like Destiny and FFXIV, but eh, it's a bit more fun since my friend's been really into Destiny and currently dropped League of Legends in favor of it. But of course she looks up everything, every stat, every build and video and outknowledged me pretty quickly, lol.
     
    But yeah, happy birthday to BZPower and all! It's pretty cool to see the site celebrating its fourteenth year, even though I'm not terribly active in this community anymore, haha.
  3. Noxryn

    Missing Doses xnx

    By Noxryn,

    i forgot to fill in my prescriptions the other day so now i have to go with 2 1/2 less doses of estrogen and let me tell you just missing one made me the most emotionally unstable sack of human on this planet.
     
    watching boy meets girl that particular day DID NOT HELP
     
    (great movie btw but as forewarning there's nudity in it SO)
  4. Noxryn

    SOME LIFE JUNK

    By Noxryn,

    ok so
     
    - i've been out as a trans girl (yeah i started identifying as a girl back in... November/December, since it felt the best) for about two? months now -- not online, but like to real life people. of course some people don't know yet, but that's because i need to find a more delicate way to inform them of everything.
     
    - been on HRT which oh my god, the differences in just two months??? incredible. i feel so much better, so much more confident, so much more comfortable with who i am, god i've been incredibly happy lately and i've been going out (like, for example, i spent all week with a new friend and we went to a night club together -- something i would never have done last month).
     
    - my therapists/counselors keep swapping around, but each one has been lovely and i respect them all a ton. they work(ed) for UCD and the GIC so i'm not going to like Kaiser therapists (because haha who has that kind of money i sure dont), but they've been amazing and i'm making incredible progress. i still have some stuff to work out and work through, but that's how the cookie crumbles.
     
    - my new friend helped me figure out makeup a little better, she also gave me a lot of new resources and videos to use to help learn how to do it better on my own after her initial teaching. (she's also who took me out to the club, but god the boots i wore -- amazingly cute okay, but eight inch heels are murder on feet).
     
    - i've been more... outgoing? not incredibly outgoing, but saying hi, joking with people, actually becoming part of the conversation that's going on, explaining stuff to people (like my necklace, which a lot of people liked).
     
    - heck, i even posted up some selfies i took on the Tarnished Coast WvW website and everyone there were incredibly kind, supportive and posted plenty of compliments that boosted my self esteem
     
    - now i have some more shirts (more like casual shirts) i got from mod cloth, i do need proper flats but the ones i received were slightly too large so i need to return them and get a slightly smaller size.
     
    it's really great, everyone in my life are all "holy wow you're so much happier and outgoing now than you used to be" especially people i knew in high school who get all "... Kit... is... that... you?" (they use my birth name but i'm not posting that ok).
  6. Noxryn

    Shady Drivin'

    By Noxryn,

    So, I ordered a "new" Nintendo 3DS XL (To be fair I was in a spot where I'd need to upgrade my 3DS either way, since the normal size is too small for my hands and causes them to cramp up really fast) and that'll arrive tomorrow, which I'm pretty excited for. I also picked up Majora's Mask at the store (while also having a Link Between Worlds and Ocarina of Time for the same platform~), so my future's gonna be pretty Zelda filled.
     
    Also had an eye appointment yesterday and they dilated my pupils, so I had to wear Garnet-esque shades for when I drove home: Linked 'cuz kinda large
     
    But yeah, everyone at the eye place were incredibly kind to me and helped me with picking out some new frames when my eyes were dilated and I couldn't read the prices and stuff, and they complimented my outfit and necklace. c:
  7. Noxryn

    BZPRPG

    By Noxryn,

    WELL maybe i'll play this again ~may have half a profile ready to go and waiting on an answer or two on some questions about technical thingies~
     
    it's 3am im really bored ok
  8. Noxryn

    Them New Bionicles

    By Noxryn,

    I got two of the Protectors a few days ago when I made my last entry, they're really neat little things. The gatling gun item's fancy enough; it's small and not massive like the cordak blasters were, though the downside is the studs are really easy to lose if you're not careful. (I got fire and ice, oh and LOSS but I'm probably just going to use LOSS for parts).
     
    Later today (as in the 30th) the four Toa I ordered should arrive from TRU, namely: Gali, Kopaka, Tahu and Onua. Didn't order Pohatu and Lewa as they're my least favorites this time around; Pohatu mostly for the silver and gunmetal prevalence, and Lewa because his mask has yet to grow on me and his head articulation seems kinda iffy with the two pieces that go on either side of his head. I'll pick them up at some point, but I wanted to get the first four I liked more.
     
    Protectors are gonna stay my little impulse buys, though Earth is definitely high on the list if only for the purple.
  10. Noxryn
    If the roads weren't as dangerous as they have been the last few days I would've already driven down to Target a few times to see if they have any of the Protectors/Toa out. Pretty excited for them, though part of me wishes my friend still worked there so she could tell me if/when they would put them out (she quit like right after my family moved back to pursue an education across state, so I mean it was definitely for a worthy cause).
     
     
    Just reminds me how I haven't bought a constraction set since like the first wave of Hero Factory (I just had Breez, I got Von Nebula as a gift and that thing is like half put together, I keep scrapping bits of him for parts).
  11. Noxryn

    Online Purchases

    By Noxryn,

    posting this everywhere but ngl i'm pretty psyched to have the skirt i ordered finally
     
    it feels nice and not cheap even though i got it at a decent price, it fits perfectly fine and looks rather flattering on me. just need to buy the other parts to make an entire outfit since it doesn't go well with most of my shirts (maybe a sweater i have would work better) it's red/black with a sort of flowy floral design on it (the flowers are black) and idk i like it.
     
    i did want a black/purple one but i didnt see any i liked
  12. Noxryn

    s&t

    By Noxryn,

    i never have and never will be in favor of canonizing every pebble in Bionicle G1 for pretend "world building"
     
    the narrative's over and the book's done, but there's a lot of room for fan interpretation and expansion
     
    filling in every little detail and hole will completely kill that and absolutely KO the story when everything's canonized to the point where there's no more room for imagination.
     
    also forgive me if i'm a bit sour for having to take others' headcanons as official canon fact because they asked greg for permission.
  17. Noxryn

    bionicle stuff

    By Noxryn,

    whenever i go to add new entry with the feature outside of my blog on the drop down list it still uses my older blog title, weird
     
    anyway
     
    on the whole bionicle coming back thing 'cuz i should say something as i was/is a fan of it
     
    - hope it's a reboot
    - hope the story doesn't become a convoluted mess of dark edginess and attempts to be gritty (and vezon can go away forever ok)
    - hope the story is able to create its own unique identity
    - hope the story is fun to read and features a larger, more interesting cast of female characters
    - hope the story doesn't create the silly gender restrictions like last time, because that was terrible
    - hope makuta goes away im done with his ten year long plans that have more plans inside of plans and plans for the unplannable. plans. (or they just make makuta better)
    - hope every single little detail is not explained b/c that kinda killed latter bionicle for me, personally, when BZPers went and got every. single. small. little. detail. canonized and killed a lot of the fun imagination (ie: all the canonized "THIS IS WHAT THIS SIDE CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE OFFICIALLY" cuz no that's your headcanon and while it might be a cool one i have one i like more but can't use it anymore b/c people will cite BS01 when reviewing fanfiction featuring my artistic interpretation of that character kk)
    - hope romance isn't like, decanonized, 'cuz cutesy romance is kinda fun and it's my weakness
    - hope when it does go away again we dont get stuck with a bunch of BBBCers again
    - hope it catches on and brings more new creative people around who do new things and explore new horizons in their own creative ways (i also miss the activity of the short stories forum i lived in there for like a year or two)
    - idc if they have cheesy jokes everywhere, old bionicle did so (plus it's lego they do that)
    - ngl i hope the story team doesn't have extremely long prolonged interaction with BZP or other forums on the basis that it'd prolly lead back into canonizing everything (though a way to have dialogue in like a feedback sort of way would be pretty cool... but it'd prolly be flooded with questions/canonization requests so eh).
    - it'd be pretty cool if there were some gender non-conforming characters introduced, i'd personally really enjoy seeing that although im not really expecting it
    - ill prolly buy gali, kopaka and pohatu and maybe lewa (kopaka/pohatu otp now and forever; gali seemed like she had a poseidon thing goin' on which seemed cool and lewa was... one of the earliest sets i got, so)
     
    but in the end i mostly do hope i enjoy it again, can use it as a creative springboard on days when just stuck or dealing with writer's block, and yeah i know already i'll rant on a lot of stuff (most likely).
  19. Noxryn

    woop

    By Noxryn,

    okay!!!
     
    i had a pretty good day today altogether. at first it kinda sucked because i was in one of my... er, like... depressed? moods (not wanting to get out of bed, then spending too much time in the shower, that sort of thing -- with a lot of stressing over really dumb little things). but after playing Archeage with some friends of mine (we kinda just killed other players all day, like hanging out in Haranya and waiting for people to attack us before blowing them up, it was fun -- we also killed some of our own faction members, but shhhh), and after that i went out to do the laundry here at my campus for the first time (which was a massive, massive source of anxiety and stress for me all week) but i went with one of my roommates which made it easier, plus the place didn't have a lot of people -- a few girls just waiting on their stuff (who were all pretty nice, one complimented my shirt and i was able to have some light conversation with the other two who were upperclassmen).
     
    laundry took like 2 hours total (between taken machines, broken machines and waiting for stuff to adequately dry and folding stuff), but it's free so whatever.
     
    idk that experience really brought up my mood for some reason (well i also ate some trail mix with m&m's which might have helped, since chocolate releases endorphin iirc)
     
    i mean it probably sounds really dumb and weird but yeah, this is me.
  20. Noxryn
    Okay.
     
    I debated for a -long- time on whether or not I'd come out and say this on BZPower, or if I would simply quietly outfit my profile to make it obvious. Normally I'm more comfortable doing the latter, it's my Facebook approach (though there hosts family and real life people, which is another issue entirely) but since this is BZPower and I feel pretty comfortable here for the most part, I thought why not make a blog entry? It's a part of who I am, about my life, and about how I would like others to refer to me on the site.
     
    In real life I generally present myself as male. Not really by choice most of the time, but because that's what people will assume when they meet me and I'm far too nervous, shy and anxious to ever correct or try to assert how I prefer to be seen and referred to. I also, currently, don't wear the outfits and clothes I would absolutely adore to wear out in public, nor do I spend time with makeup (again, due to a lot of various insecurities and how my anxiety acts up). As a result of this, I've adopted to using basically either gender neutral terms (Ze/Hir/Hirself) or straight up female pronouns (She/Her/Herself) when online (I really want to get to the point where I am just as comfortable and confident IRL, but right now going to such lengths would likely cause me to... well, experience anxiety on a level were I'd be physically sick).
     
    I sift between gender expressions and identity: sometimes I'm completely comfortable being seen and referred to as male. Sometimes it bothers me, makes me feel upset and angry and depressed and I might go down a self-destructive road in a warped attempt to fix my feelings, or fix myself. The majority of the time I like ze/hir/hirself pronouns -- they aren't tied to a gender in the binary, but they share similarities to female pronouns and I prefer it for that reason (exactly why? I don't know, I really can't give anyone an explicit "this is the precise reason why I like this" All I know is I feel more comfortable, I feel happier, I feel depressed less and I treat myself better), however; as this is a website, there is the option to change one's gender on their profile. I've gone to the length that I will select a gender for how I feel in hopes people will notice and use the associated pronouns to refer to me at that point in time... rather than me making requests all the time.
     
    So, I guess this is... kind of my way of coming out as pangender?
     
    It's not exactly new to me, I've had these sorts of feelings for a -long- time (started early high school, actually) but I never had words to ascribe to them, never had any resources to peruse before, never was pointed in any direction for proper help with these issues, and was often ignored when I asked for help trying to figure all this out as it was causing me extreme distress and discomfort. I never mentioned them here in the past as I didn't have the words and I was terribly frightened of someone mocking me, or using it as a springboard to attack who I am. Or to use the entry, or wherever it was stated, as a way to drudge up their personal opinions on something they don't have any authority to talk about in such a manner.
     
    But, within the last... two? Years I've been able to find resources for nonbinary identities, I've been able to talk to some people about how I feel and get some solid help I wanted (namely just "Do other people feel this way? Is this some kind of phase I always hear people talk about? Will the feelings go away if I ignore them? Am I messed up, is there something wrong with my brain's chemistry or the chemistry of my biology? Etc..."). Of course I do want to take some of this to a therapist eventually, to receive more resources and assistance with other issues I have, but I'm still hesitant as I've never had a therapist I felt comfortable with (I basically just had one who only emphasized my fears constantly, which lead me to having near-breakdowns with them and I never wanted to see them again. So I'm hesitant about finding a new one).
     
    And ever since I started identifying as Pangender, and since I started to refer to myself with my own desired pronouns, I've felt so much better. I still fall into depression and other problems, but I try to combat it with exercise, eating better (well, trying to eat better... I... actually still need to eat something today :x) instead of unhealthier means (none of which I will explain, so don't ask).
     
     
     
    Annnnnd normally I don't try to post this level of personal thing on this blog, but... I mean, it deals with how I want people to see me and understanding myself, so I thought it'd be beneficial. Thanks for reading, I guess?
  21. Noxryn

    Guild Wars 2

    By Noxryn,

    i started playing it again after missing my character terribly (sylvari are still probably my favorite MMO species ever), but i changed his Cloud Strife hairstyle to the new longer one (sylvari are kinda bereft of long hairstyles sadly) but i'm sad the dark color i picked for it blots out the details (it looks so pretty when it's glowing, though!)
     
    haven't really dug into the new story too much, but already i like it's presentation SO MUCH MORE than the last Living Story season (it feels more like... a continuation of the main story, versus a sort of side plot event that you can ignore). I'm also glad they got rid of Scarlet, who i had such high hopes for as an antagonist last season but she was too... like, errr... she was too... stale? she didnt change much and she kept doing the same stuff over and over again :/ (had a killer outfit, though)
     
    idk if anyone here really plays it much, im in a few guilds (Friends of Mine which is literally just me and some really close friends, TIME which has a latin name i can't spell and was my friends' RP story thing, Our Sanctuary which is a LGBTQA+ safe space guild,, Official Mesmer Forum Guild, and then Eularity whom i refer to as celry (their tag is ELRY).
     
    im on tarnished coast with most of the NA RPing community, though im generally messing around in WvWvW b/c i can throw purple lasers at players there . (and i get T6 materials more reliably there for whatever reason and im getting kinda close-ish to my first Legendary... need like... 700g total but i have the most expensive components done [precursor annnnnd 100 charged lodestones])
     
    (tbh i want to play a largos so badly anet get on that)
  23. Noxryn
    i dont think i can make any sense of skirt sizes online
     
    will it fit, will it not
     
    who knows, buy it to find out
     
    will it flow in the wind like an oversized flag, or will it try to crush your internal organs
     
    only one way to find out
     
    (that guess will be seventy dollars pls)
     
     
     
    edit: also yes i will rant about this on all my blogs
  24. Noxryn
    i updated this here blog a bit, removed content blocks i deemed pointless or silly (well besides the rpg one though it's incomplete, old and every link is outdated since the old forums are gone but it's kinda too nostalgic or me to delete)
     
    also the pink's on purpose; pink is a pretty color and i will deck my online self (and offline self, though it's not a particularly flattering color on me -- purple is a bit more, i think) in it.
     
     
    almost removed the splash art thing (it's ancient... well, maybe three years??? four?? i lost those dog tags forever ago, but i got them more as a little bit of morale support for myself at the time so i kept the splash thing there)
     
     
    was tempted to put a selfie somewhere 'cuz it's a blog 'n junk and that's how i usually mark my blogs, but eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh
     
    if i ever get the confidence to properly do myself up in makeup and find a flattering outfit (specifically like, a skirt i really like and a cute hoodie or something since idk, i tried such a combination of clothes once in Macy's while i was bored and i thought i looked quite pretty -- still kinda shocked they had things i could wear even if it fit somewhat oddly which was reason numero uno i didn't get them) then i will likely use it there (and prolly promptly update all my other ones haha)
     
    (usually the standard t-shirt/jeans combo is boring to wear, but i dont like wearing shorts since i can't wear leggings or stockings with them [kinda self conscious about my legs for some reason... like, how pale they are, i think? i dunno, it's weird])
     
    wow
     
    look at all these parentheses
     
    (so many)
     
     
    also 701st entry yay pretty
  25. Noxryn
    i havent made an entry since last year whoops
     
    but uh comparatively to last year this year's better (like, moving back to civilization) and i'm going back to college (kinda debatable if a week in one counts as being there in the first place haha) but at this college my old AP credits and stuff actually count so it's not wasted effort and money anymore (like i think i have half of my freshman year's worth of credits done on those alone? which is like i attended the full semester at the college here that i left due to anxiety, feeling unsafe/uncomfortable/isolated and without the resources they said they had, etc...)
     
    it's also downtown in denver which is a lot nicer than the last place (where it was in green bay, but it felt extremely... closed off and isolated from everything) and i'll be commuting from home since i don't do that well in dorms and because the dorms cost like twice the tuition (well more than twice since we get in-state still somehow).
     
    i'm completely uncertain about my major and will probably change it, probably to something in counseling or just English education or something (idk, lately i've been interested in teaching? like i really like and enjoy English, i just shied away from the degree since i kept getting told it's useless and i won't find a job etc... and that caused a lot more anxiety [i mean a lot more, like the "i'm having trouble breathing and need to hide somewhere" level] but it's what i'm really, actually interested in and thinking about it i wouldn't really be against being a high school teacher or something... like, i have social anxiety disorder, but i know i'm able to speak in front of classes most of the time and the biggest hurdle there would just be getting myself to... er, improve? in that respect). but i mean, teachers also get a lot of time off compared to some other jobs i was looking at, and that helps with the other thing i want to do and that's to write a fiction book (i actually have a lot of it planned out and i adore my characters and wrote the first line i'm gonna keep)
     
    and i mean if professors can write books upon books of stuff related to what they teach then surely, in a high school setting, it'd be easier to find the time to do that than if i like... worked in business, or finances, or law or something.
     
    plus like,i could make a meaningful impact on people, i'd hope, and hopefully be a positive and supportive person (since gods know i needed that). like, thinking about it makes me feel happier and like i'd be more fulfilled, rather than thinking about a future in marketing which just makes my stomach turn in knots since i'm not really the most creative person in the world and it feels like there'd be too much pressure behind it.
     
    whoops i rambled a lot there, but idk, never wrote it out before or talked about it so i guess it just sorta wrote itself
     
     
     
    but um yeah, right now a lot of goals are basically just to get all moved back, think of what i want to do with the rest of my life, and probably go back to full fledged therapy for social anxiety (and prolly go back on medication for it since i'm pretty sure it got worse, granted i went a week without any real meals back in college because i was too scared to talk to the cashiers... like i made two apples last 9 days, which wasn't really good on the health side since i feel like part of that contributed to my near breakdown in the art building which just unnerved me for existing).
     
     
     
     
    (oh and as for the whole "Bionicle's coming back" thing i keep hearing about: cool if it does an' all, i just hope the company would take some of the criticisms of the original series to heart and create a much more balanced cast of interesting characters. but idk if it is or what, but yeah, i just tacked this on 'cuz it's the hot buzz of junk)
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