TNTOS

Chapter 19: Why Yes, We CAN Stretch out This Comedy until You Get Tired of it

Our crew of heroes set out west, supposedly where the ninjas were hiding out. None of them really knew where the ninjas were, but since Google said that the Everlasting Ninjas lived in the west they decided that that was their best chance of finding them.

‘West,’ of course, was a very vague, general direction. They traveled west for several hours, occasionally stopping to find signs of ninja activity in the area. They’d see things like discarded shruikens, bits of ninja camouflage clothes, and Naruto wall scrolls, among other things. Clearly, the ninjas had been through here. They kept their guard up despite there being no visible ninjas in the area.

Ninjas are the masters of ambush and disguise, Mata Nui thought as they rode. They can look like anything. Indeed, I’d say it is highly likely that there is a ninja following us right now, trying to decide if we are threats to his clan.

Mata Nui flipped out a pistol and shot a nearby tree. The ‘tree’ groaned and fell over, revealing it to actually be a ninja painted completely brown with a thick green bush mounted on top of his head.

“Darn ninjas,” said Mata Nui, glowering at the dead ninja as they passed. “They’re everywhere.”

“Yeah,” said Ackar, nodding. He threw his sword at a boulder and stabbed a particularly fat ninja which was painted the colors of a rock. “They’re just annoying, aren’t they?”

“I agree,” said Berix as he shot two ninja clouds out of the sky with his double barrel guns. “I mean, after the Abyss, do they honestly think they can stop us?”

“Apparently, yesba,” said Gresh as he punched the air, which turned out to be a ninja in disguise, which fell over and died due to the strength Gresh had put in his punch. “They also beba stupiba, apparently.”

“But we gotta save Raanu,” said Mata Nui determinedly. “Even if we have to fight an army of ninjas – which I figure we will, at some point or another – we will do it.”

They stopped before a large forest. The trees look withered and old and generally harmless, but Mata Nui was not fooled. He motioned for the others to get their weapons ready and then whispered, “On the count of three. One . . . two . . . three!”

They fired at the forest at the exact same time. All of the trees immediately transformed into black-clad ninjas, most of which fell from the bullets. However, several billion of them still lived and they descended on Mata Nui and the gang with the force of a hurricane.

Mata Nui leapt off of his sand stalker and landed in the midst of a group of ninjas. He spun around, firing round after round after round after round of rifle ammunition as he did so. Thousands of ninjas fell with every shot.

Kiina, meanwhile, was still riding their mount, shooting at any ninja that came close. One ninja landed on the sand stalker, but a shot to the face sent it falling off into the crowd of ninjas that were following Kiina.

Ackar had abandoned his sand stalker and was going around slicing and slashing up as many ninjas as he could reach. He seized a ninja, let it on fire, and then hurled it at a million others, causing them to blow up as the fiery ninja collided with the group.

Gresh ducked to avoid a poisoned dagger and then clapped his hands so hard he created a sonic boom that annihilated half of the legion he was facing. Then he performed 3000 back flips in midair before landing softly on the ground and running headlong into the fray.

Berix was just going crazy, running up to ninjas and kicking or shooting their shins. He was so fast and so deadly that a few ninjas broke off from the group and tried to run away, but they never could escape Berix. What he did to them served as an example to the others, who all tried to surrender in order to survive. But since Berix doesn’t believe in mercy, none of them lived.

Eventually, the army of ninjas was completely shrunken from its previous size. Only a few survivors escaped; the rest lay dead in piles that reached into the sky. Mata Nui, Ackar, Gresh, Berix, and Kiina spun their weapons in their hands and then placed them back in their holsters.

“So now that that is over with,” said Mata Nui as he got back on his sand stalker. “Let’s go find Raanu again, shall we?”

-TNTOS-

And now, for what I like to call Part 2: The Ninjas Attack (AKA The Unnecessary Other Half of the Story):

 

Chapter 18: What Happens Next?

 

“Thanks for the help, Super Planet,” said Mata Nui, looking up at the gigantic entity’s face. “But of course, we could have defeated the Abyss by ourselves.”

 

Super Planet laughed heartily, which caused a nearby planet to explode. “You are mightily welcome, my friends. If it had not been for Ackar, why, I would not even exist! It was only fair that I help you guys out. You’re the best.”

 

“Aw, we’re not that awesome,” said Berix. “Well, okay, we are, but you were awesome, too, Super Planet.”

 

“Will you stay with us?” Ackar shouted. “We could use your help!”

 

“No, my tiny mortal friends,” said Super Planet, shaking his head, extinguishing a few hundred stars as he did so. “I cannot stay with you. My journey is never-ending. I must continue my quest to explore my kingdom for as long as I live. For only I have the power to defeat whatever universal evils may lurk in the darkest, deepest, coldest corners of this universe and it is up to me to stop them before they become too big to handle.”

 

“Couldn’t yuba take usba with yuba?” asked Gresh, holding his hand over his eyes to protect them from Super Planet’s supreme glory.

 

“No, it would be too dangerous,” said Super Planet. “Your destiny is here, on this little planet. Besides, I doubt any other world would be able to contain your combined awesomeness without exploding and destroying several nearby planets anyway.”

 

“He has a point,” Mata Nui said.

 

“Now, good bye, my friends,” said Super Planet. “I will now go off on my never-ending quest and someday somewhere I’ll finally see the light I have been searching for everywhere.”

 

“Will we ever see you again?” Kiina asked.

 

“Perhaps someday,” said Super Planet solemnly. “If you believe in Wonderland, that is.”

 

Then he stood up inside the universe, turned around, and flew off into the distance. As Super Planet flew, a certain song began to play, fitting this particular moment quite well:

 

So come aboard and bring along

All your hopes and dreams!

Together we will find everything

That we’re looking for!

There’s always room for you

If you want to be my friend

We are we are on the cruise

We are!*

 

-

 

Mata Nui, with Kiina sitting behind him, rode at the head of the procession. Our heroes were finally heading home, ready to begin living life normally again. But Ackar kept glancing back toward the sky, wondering if he would ever see Super Planet again.

 

Berix, on the other hand, had already forgotten about Super Planet and was busily texting all his friends on his iPhone, which he had pulled out of that handy dandy plot hole that kept following him around.

 

“Berix, whaba are yuba doing?” asked Gresh as they rode.

 

“I’m texting all of my friends, of course,” Berix replied matter of factly. “Didn’t you hear what the narrator said, Gresh?”

 

“But yuba don’t haba any friends,” said Gresh.

 

“Oh, yes I do,” said Berix, rolling his eyes. “I have three, in fact.”

 

Gresh tilted his head. “Meba, Ackar, andba Mata Nui?”

 

“Nope,” said Berix, shaking his head. “My friends are me, myself, and I.”

 

“Soba you haba been texting yubaself?” asked Gresh, puzzled.

 

“No,” said Berix, as though it were the most stupid thing he had ever heard. “I am texting me, myself, and I, not yourself, silly.”

 

“Bah, English hurts my brainba,” said Gresh, grabbing his head with one hand.

 

At the head of the party, Mata Nui was recounting all of their adventures to Kiina, who had fallen asleep and wasn’t listening, although Mata Nui didn’t know that.

 

“And then, I was all like, ‘Okay, Tornadias, time to kick your windy butt back to Olympus,’” Mata Nui went on excitedly. “And Tornadias was all like ‘You can’t hurt me ‘cause I’m the personification of the storm!’ And then I was like, ‘Personification of the storm this!’”

 

He lifted his rifle and shot a nearby cloud, causing it to explode.

 

The sound woke Kiina, who shook her head and said, “What was that?”

 

“And then Zeus was like, ‘Dude, I am sick of you mortals! Like, die!’” Mata Nui continued without interruption. “He like threw a thunderbolt at me like this.”

 

Mata Nui materialized a thunderbolt in his hands and hurled it at a nearby mountain, obliterating the gigantic rock easily.

 

“Oh, I didn’t look like that, did I?” Zeus asked sheepishly as he floated in his chariot nearby.

 

“Oh you like totally were!” said Mata Nui. “And then I was like-“

 

“Mata Nui, just get to the essentials already,” Kiina sighed.

 

“Okay, okay,” said Mata Nui, somewhat disappointed. “So I absorbed the thunderbolt with my 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle and killed Tornadias with it.”

 

“Cool,” said Kiina. Then she noticed Zeus and asked him, “Hey, don’t you like, have to rule Olympus or something like that?”

 

“I am taking a well-deserved vacation from Olympus, my good maiden,” Zeus replied. “I left Ares in charge while I am away.”

 

“Is that why Mount Olympus is on fire?” asked Kiina, pointing up at the clouds.

 

“What?” said Zeus, looking up in the direction that she was pointing. “What doest thou mean, ‘on fire?’”

 

Her meaning became clear pretty quick: All of Mount Olympus appeared to be burning to the ground.

 

“I knew I shouldn’t have left Ares in charge while I was away!” Zeus sighed, as though this were typical behavior of the god of war. “I suspect the gods have broken out in civil war! Looks like I’ll have to cut my vacation short! Good bye, my mortal friends!”

 

Zeus quickly ascended into the sky toward Olympus as thunderbolts appeared in his hands. How Zeus planned to put out a fire with lightning, Kiina did not know.

 

“So anyway,” Mata Nui said immediately. “After Tornadias, we finally-“

 

“Mata Nui, stop!” Kiina shouted, pointing over his shoulder. “Someone is lying on the road!”

 

“What?” Mata Nui said as he looked around.

 

She was right. Lying on the road, not too far ahead of them, was a figure clad in blue and gold armor. He looked like he had been beaten pretty badly, but Mata Nui didn’t really care.

 

“We don’t have to stop, do we?” he asked Kiina. “I mean, it’s not like he’s our problem, right?”

 

Kiina just glared at him.

 

“Okay, okay, fine,” Mata Nui growled as he brought his sand stalker to a stop in front of the being. “I should have let the Tuma kill you.”

 

“What was that?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

Berix, Gresh, and Ackar stopped, too. Berix leapt from his mount and ran over to the being. He flipped the figure over onto his back and yelled, “Breathe, darn it!” before smashing his fists into the figure’s stomach with all of his might.

 

Immediately, the figure’s eyes flew open and he inhaled deeply before exhaling. Mata Nui, Kiina, Gresh, and Ackar got off of their mounts and ran over to the figure, who was now sitting up, rubbing his stomach as he glared at Berix.

 

“You did not have to hit me so hard,” the figure snapped at him.

 

“But that’s how they do it on TV,” Berix reminded him. “And it always works.”

 

“Well, this isn’t TV, but whatever,” the figure sighed. He looked at the others and asked, “Who are you guys?” He trembled in fear as he beheld their weapons. “You’re not some boy band, are you?”

 

“No, we have a girl on our team,” said Ackar, pointing at Kiina. “You don’t have to be afraid.”

 

“Oh, good,” the figure said in relief. “I was worried there for a second . . .”

 

“Why?” Mata Nui asked curiously. “Are you afraid of boy bands or something?”

 

The figure nodded. “In a way. You see, I was traveling this road here when boy band ninjas attacked and robbed me. They said they were working for the Grand Di-Shogun and stole my credit cards, cell phone, and wallet. I don’t know where they went and now I am in bad condition.”

 

“I see,” said Mata Nui. “And what is your name?”

 

“Tarix,” said the figure. “I fought in the fight club in Tesara. I was heading home when the ninjas attacked.”

 

“My name is Mata Nui, but I am sorry that we cannot be of help,” said Mata Nui, shaking his head as he helped Tarix to his feet. “We have just finished the main plot of this comedy and are planning to head home now.”

 

“But the ninjas also kidnapped my father,” said Tarix. “Old Man Raanu, elder of Vulcanus. He was traveling with me and I think they kidnapped him. I don’t know why, but they did.”

 

Everything changed then. Mata Nui looked more serious now as he said, “Your father, a leading politician, was kidnapped by ninjas?”

 

“Yes,” said Tarix, nodding. “Are you bad boys bad enough to save the elder from ninjas?”

 

“Of course we are,” said Mata Nui arrogantly. He gestured to the others and said, “All in favor of stretching out this comedy as much as possible?”

 

“I!” they all said in unison.

 

“Then let’s track down those ninjas and save the President, er, I mean elder,” said Mata Nui as he leapt back onto his sand stalker, Kiina not far behind. “If we’re going to make this a true action flick then it was inevitable we would fight ninjas eventually. Let’s go.”

 

*Lyrics taken from English version of We Are, the first One Piece opening theme.

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 17: Is the Battle over Now?

 

Abyss raised its huge, bizarre hands and unleashed a wave of hospitalization on our four heroes and one heroine. Normally, this would be enough to hospitalize any normal person, but Mata Nui, Gresh, Ackar, Berix, and Kiina simply aimed their guns and blew the wave of hospitalization away.

 

Then Mata Nui said to the others, “Ackar, Gresh, take the right. Kiina, Berix, the left. I’ll take him head on!”

 

The others separated as he had commanded. Mata Nui charged, firing off round after round of rifle ammo. As he ran, he bent over and stuffed whatever he could find into his 40kMGA; rocks, discarded weapons, pieces of armor, even a squirrel as he shot those things at the Abyss spirit at 1000 times their usual strength.

 

Meanwhile, Ackar and Gresh had reached Abyss’ right arm and were now scaling it, shooting and stabbing wherever they happen to be standing. However, they were little more than mosquitoes to Abyss, who with one shrug sent the two heroes flying. Ackar and Gresh slammed into the ground so hard that the whole ground shook, or what was left of the ground, anyway.

 

But the two instantly got up and charged Abyss again, this time with even more ferocity than before.

 

Berix and Kiina, meanwhile, were running around Abyss’ legs, stabbing, poking, and even tickling wherever they went. They had a vague notion to perhaps trip him up, but because Abyss’ legs still stood about halfway into the pit from which he had rose the task seemed impossible. Then again, this whole comedy is about going beyond the impossible, so they had some hope.

 

Mata Nui then launched himself into the air until he reached Abyss’ face, which was about three hundred feet from the ground. Mata Nui, literally glowing with rage, seized the power of nothingness itself and stuffed it into the 40kMGA.

 

Then, after spinning around in the air, he aimed the gun point blank at Abyss’ face.

 

“I think this is going to hurt,” said Mata Nui before he pulled the trigger of the shaking gun, which was almost incapable of holding such awesomeness in it.

 

The resulting explosion would have probably destroyed the entire universe had Mata Nui, Ackar, Gresh, Kiina, and Berix not held it back. They forced all of their energies on Abyss’ form, keeping the explosion from going anywhere else. The Abyss merely stood still, until finally the explosion passed . . . and he still stood, totally unharmed from that devastating attack.

 

“Fools!” Abyss roared, slashing at them with his claws. “I am the spirit of the Abyss! No one can defeat me!”

 

Our heroes were sent sprawling by his attacks until they all landed in a heap. Suddenly they were weak. Mata Nui could feel his energy being drained from him at an alarming rate and he instantly knew Abyss was responsible for the energy drain. Judging by the expressions on the others’ faces, Abyss was draining their power, too.

 

“As you can no doubt feel, I am draining all of your power!” Abyss roared, beating its chest with its claws. “Eventually, you will all be nothing more than withered husks and I shall reign once more!”

 

Is this the end? Mata Nui wondered as his yellow armor slowly began fading to gray. Did I come all this way, fight all of these fights, just to die at the hands of some ancient entity? Did I lead my friends to their hospitalization by leading them on this insane quest?

 

Looking at them all, Mata Nui said, in a weak voice, “I am sorry, my friends. I should have known we would have ended up getting hospitalized by a t-shirt-wearing Eldritch Abomination as old as the universe itself. It’s my fault for not realizing the kind of danger we got ourselves in.”

 

“Um, Mata Nui?” said Kiina. “I don’t think any of us could have seen this coming, to be honest.”

 

“But don’t worry,” Berix added, patting Mata Nui reassuringly on the shoulder, “we’ll still blame you when we get hospitalized. At least I know I will, anyway.”

 

“At least we gave this guy a good butt kicking before we left,” said Ackar, his armor turning from red to grayish. “I believe I can finally rest in peace.”

 

“But Iba can’t!” said Gresh anxiously. His armor, too, was nearly gray now. “Iba still want toba become President of the United States and geba married and haba a wife and twoba children!”

 

“Eh, you can’t have everything you want in life,” said Ackar, shrugging. “I wanted to become a pretty ballerina and solve world hunger, but I only ended up becoming the awesome mentor of the main character. See what I mean?”

 

“Oh,” said Gresh. “Well, Iba suppose I can’t complainba, then.”

 

So the five heroes stared defiantly in the face of the Abyss as their power was slowly seeped away. Mata Nui, Ackar, Gresh, and Berix had been through a lot together, from the battle at Sandray canyon to the assault on Roxtus. Even Kiina had done so much with them that they almost thought of her as a part of the crew now, too (almost). They bravely faced their hospitalization, which impressed even the entity that was about to hospitalized them, for in all of his 100,000,000,000,000,000,000.3 years of existence he had never seen any group of beings so bravely accept their fate.

 

Right when Mata Nui’s armor was nearly completely gray, an unexpected thing happened: A huge rock fell from the sky and crashed into the Abyss. Startled, Abyss nearly fell over and his energy drain power broke, causing power to fill the forms of Mata Nui, Ackar, Gresh, Berix, and Kiina again.

 

Surprised and examining his re-colored form, Mata Nui asked, “What just happened?”

 

Berix, looking toward the sky, pointed up and shouted, “Look! It’s Zeus!”

 

“It’s not just Zeus, but . . .” Ackar trailed off, incapable of believing what he saw.

 

It was true that Zeus – toga and everything – was floating above them in his chariot. But that wasn’t what had caught their attention. What they saw was the ultra-powerful, planet-sized entity that stood behind Zeus, outside of Bara Magna’s atmosphere. The being was so huge that he looked like a giant mural slapped against the sky, rather than a real being.

 

“It’s Super Planet!” Ackar shouted. “I can’t believe it! He’s returned!”

 

“Yes, young heroes, I have,” Super Planet answered, his voice so loud that it rocked the foundations of the universe (literally). “Zeus here knew he could not defeat the Abyss by himself, so he left and found me.”

 

“So you’ll defeat the Abyss for us?” Mata Nui called.

 

“No,” said Super Planet, shaking his head. “Instead, I shall grant you five the power necessary to slay the greatest threat to the universe since Justin Bieber.” (Author’s note: Ha, Justin Bieber joke. It’s funny. Laugh at it.)

 

Immediately, our heroes’ weapons started glowing so brightly even Abyss had to cover his eyes to avoid being blinded permanently.

 

“But to accomplish it, you will need to access the power of unity,” Super Planet explained. “Next to the power of love, the power of unity is the most powerfully powerful force in the universe. Very, very few things can withstand it . . . and Abyss, unfortunately for him, is not one of those things.”

 

Knowing what to do, Mata Nui aimed his 40kMGA, Ackar his sword, Gresh his shield, Berix his double barrel guns, and Kiina her stolen Skrall rifle at Abyss. Energy – a force stronger than anything Mata Nui or anyone else present had ever experienced before – surged through their weapons. It felt like the portion of reality that the weapons were in was warped, breaking, melting, incapable of handling so much awesomeness in one area like that.

 

Mata Nui looked to Ackar, then to Gresh, then Berix, and finally to Kiina. Then he said, as loudly as he could, “For unity!”

 

What happened next, no one was ever quite sure about afterwards. As soon as the five heroes unleashed their combined energy, we can only say that the universe finally snapped. The combined energy blasts – the power of unity itself – struck Abyss so hard that he flew outside of the universe into the endless blackness of reality. He was spinning wildly out of control as unity tore him apart until he crashed into nothing.

 

Abyss could only scream as the power ate through his form, totally annihilating not only his physical body but his spirit as well. In fact, due to the fact that he had been flying so fast, time finally caught up with him and he smashed through nothingness and exploded and imploded at the exact same time, totally disappearing forever. Even the dust particles left over from the eximplosion (for want of a better term) exploded, completely evaporated from existence.

 

And so, the universe itself was safe for the time being, thanks to the powers of five heroes and an interplanetary entity and a god. Or was it?

 

“Yeah, it is,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “Bye, bye.”

 

Without further ado the screen went black.

 

-TNTOS-

...annnndddd this just got really weird.

 

 

You are implying that things were "normal" up to this point. Clearly, you were not paying attention to the events of the last 14 chapters .

 

New chapter:

 

Chapter 16: And the Battle is over . . . Right?

 

Gresh got on his hands and spun around on his head, performing a tornado kick that annihilated several lava demons. Then he got up and punched a nearby demon in the face so hard the demon regressed several years until it was a baby demon again. It was technically still an adult, but the timeline couldn’t handle this contradiction, since it was kind of like dividing by zero. So the timeline imploded on itself, but no one paid attention to a silly little thing like that when there was still so much fighting to do.

 

Gresh looked around and saw Kiina head butt a demon into infinity. He was so jealous that Mata Nui had such an awesome girlfriend. He decided that, after this, he would ask Kiina if she knew any girls who were looking for a handsome guy who could speak incomprehensibly. Perhaps they would be as awesome as her.

 

A demon tried to sneak up on him, but Gresh, still watching Kiina, just casually knocked it aside without looking, sending it flying into a nearby volcano. The demon collided with the volcano, collapsing the volcano and probably causing what should have been a major natural disaster, but considering the planet itself seemed to be tearing itself apart a volcano collapsing wasn’t all that bad.

 

A demon’s hand burst from the ground and seized Gresh’s ankle. But Gresh wasn’t going to be pulled into the depths of the Abyss. Instead, he heaved his leg upward and pulled the surprised demon out of the earth. Then he got on his hands and performed another tornado kick sending the demon – now charged with the power of the storm – flying into a large army of demons that had just climbed from out of the depths of a volcano.

 

The flying demon collided with the army and exploded, annihilating yet another army that had appeared. Gresh figured that should have eliminated them all, but ten billion more demons materialized out of nowhere, causing him to sigh and begin his attacks anew.

 

-

 

Kiina seized two demons and slammed them together, causing them to explode. She then kicked that explosion at a group of nearby demons, who all ran in terror from the flying explosion. They couldn’t outrun it, however, and were soon consumed by the flames of the explosion (despite technically having fire immunity because they came from the volcanoes, but just shut up and read).

 

A demon came up behind her and seized her arms. This was a fatal mistake . . . for the demon, because Kiina jumped up, pressed her feet against the demon’s chest, and then pushed forward with all of her strength.

 

One would think a move like that would dislocate her shoulders or perhaps even rip her arms straight off. Instead, due to sheer awesomeness, the demon’s arms went flying off, its hands still gripping Kiina’s arms. Kiina landed in the middle of a large group of demons and, spinning around in a circle, destroyed them all with the last demon’s arms.

 

Then she shook off the severed limbs, disgusted.

 

“Gross,” said Kiina, shaking her head and wiping off her arms. “I mean, ugh, they were useful weapons, but I do not want any other man touching me but Mata Nui!”

 

Kiina had seen Mata Nui, Ackar, and Berix fighting off a horde of Destructions. Oddly enough, the Greek god Zeus was also helping them, smiting any enemies he saw from the endless army that rose from the Abyss. She wanted to go help Mata Nui, but since he seemed to have it under control she contented herself with slaying demons instead.

 

If only there were a way to stop them for good! Kiina thought as she hurled a sharp stone at a nearby demon, stabbing it in the chest and causing it to explode. They just keep on coming without end! No matter how many times Gresh or I hospitalize them, they just keep coming back!

 

She was so frustrated by not knowing how to stop them that she kicked out randomly, which ended the lives of at least two demons. Although Kiina could not know it, those two demons were a couple who had just gotten together despite their parents’ wishes. They had traveled thousands of miles to be together, but had only met up at that exact moment when Kiina destroyed them. It was a true tale of love and loyalty that would have made Shakespeare cry and would have put Stephanie Meyer to shame.

 

But since Kiina didn’t know that and because this is not a romance story, we won’t go into the detail of the painful sacrifices those two demons had to make to be with each other. We shall say nothing about their burning passion to become married and have demon babies and live long, happy lives that would inspire a romantic book series that everyone and their mother would read.

 

But Kiina, who did not know that, had just thwarted the only effort in history to show that two very different people can get together and be happy. The heartless fiend saw to it that the two lovers could not be together, not even for three seconds. For that, she will go down in demon history as the mistress of evil, one who sought to destroy true love. Her legacy shall be cursed forevermore and she will never rest in peace ever.

 

Oh, sorry for going off on a bit of a tangent. I know no one wants to listen to my ranting because no one ever does! No one ever wants to take ANYTHING I SAY SERIOUSLY! Why, if I knew how to speak French right now I’d-

 

TNTOS: Hey, what’re you doing writing my fanfics?

 

What?

 

TNTOS: Yeah, you. You’re just some crazy romantic who threw in that stupid and pointless demon romance subplot that I didn’t approve of.

 

But you weren’t typing here, so I thought-

 

TNTOS: What, you thought it would be okay to add to my stories without my permission? You think I am not currently seriously ticked off right now at the nerve you have at trying to make BIONICLE: The Legend Reloaded into some kind of serious romance story?

 

Well, I-

 

TNTOS: Get out of here before I kill hospitalize you in this story.

 

Yes, sir.

 

TNTOS: Well, now that she’s gone, time to get back to the story. Sorry for the pointless tangent, readers, but Amy just does that a lot and I have to keep her busy with romance novels and stuff or else she tries to throw bad romance subplots into my stories, like she tried to do right now, in fact. Now time to go back to mindless action, which is what this comedy is all about.

 

-

 

One of Zeus’ thunderbolts zipped past Mata Nui, but he grabbed it, stuffed it into his 40kMGA, and shot the attack at one of the Destructions. The Destruction exploded and the explosion imploded and the implosion exploded . . . if that makes any sense, which it doesn’t but whatever. It’s either that or the demon romance subplot and I think I know what we all really want.

 

Mata Nui whirled around and punched a Destruction in the face, sending it flying in Ackar’s direction. Ackar got into a batter position and hit the Destruction with all of his might, sending it flying away like a morbid baseball of hospitalization. It broke through the sky and plummeted into some kind of bizarre alternate universe that I do not care enough to go into detail about.

 

Then Berix leapt off of air, performed three hundred summersaults, and landed amidst the Destructions. He spun around, killing three with every bullet. He then unleashed a wave of energy from his body, which sent the Destructions flying.

 

Zeus took it over from here. As the Destructions drew closer to the clouds, Zeus rained thunderbolts upon them, totally annihilating the entities from the Abyss. The ashes of Destructions rained down upon them, but it looked like for now that there were no more, for there were no more monsters rising from the Abyss anymore.

 

“That went by quick,” said Mata Nui.

 

“Ho ho! My godliness senses something rising from the Abyss!” Zeus roared, pointing toward the crater that Destruction had came from.

 

And then – believe it or not – a hand as big as a building rose from the Abyss. Then, without warning, a gigantic form burst through the ground. It radiated so much heat and energy that it totally disintegrated all of the demonic servants of the Destruction, causing Gresh and Kiina to jump backwards to avoid being destroyed themselves.

 

The new entity that had risen from the Abyss was unlike anything that had ever walked Bara Magna’s surface. Its head resembled a dragon, but it had sleek black, skeletal skin, with lights blaring from its eye sockets. A t-shirt that read “World’s Best Eldritch Abomination” covered its large hairy, ape-like chest with bulging muscles. It had no wings or tail, but its arms and legs resembled cannons fused with swords, if that were possible.

 

“What in the name of Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, and every other deceased celebrity out there is that?” Mata Nui gasped.

 

“I am the spirit of the Abyss,” the monster said. Its voice was so loud that they could only hear it in their minds. “For years I was only capable of affecting the world with a portion of my power. But now, I am free to roam the universe as I did 100,000,000,000,000,000,000.3 years ago!”

 

“Not unless we stop you,” said Mata Nui as he loaded his 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle. “We’ve got a god on our side.”

 

“What god?” Abyss inquired.

 

Mata Nui glanced over his shoulder and saw that Zeus – the king of the gods, supposedly one of the most powerful immortal beings of all time – was nowhere to be seen. Ackar and Berix were looking for him, too, but the god was gone.

 

“Okay, so we don’t have a cowardly god on our side anymore,” Mata Nui grumbled. “But we’re still awesome enough to take you on! Let’s go, guys!”

 

-TNTOS-

I think the first ever original fanfic character I created was my self-insert named Timongo, from my old comedy, My Bionicle Road Trip. He was a male Toa of Electricity wearing the Mask of All Masks (I think it was called that, but not sure) that allowed him to use any mask power he wanted. He also had a cool sword made of gold and silver, which is really impractical once you think about it.

 

He was the greatest character ever. Better than all of the characters mentioned in this topic, anyway .

 

As for RPG characters, I've never participated in an RPG before, so I haven't had to make any characters for one. Perhaps I will someday, but not today.

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 15: A Battle So Epic Even a God Must Join In

 

What is about to happen next is so epic that we cannot show it immediately. In order to make the transition on your fragile mind as smooth and peaceful as possible, you will watch Tarduk’s documentary on the ancient civilizations that existed on Bara Magna thousands of years ago:

 

Tarduk (off-screen): We know very little about the peoples of ancient Bara Magna; what movies they watched, what food they ate, whether they called American football ‘soccer’ or not, and what kind of socks they were.

 

A scene shows an ancient temple ruins.

 

Tarduk: Instead, we find useless stuff like ancient temples and tablets that go into extensive detail on their religious and social and cultural ideals and customs and traditions. Nothing exciting or interesting, in other words. But because we like to be as boring as possible, we shall go into detail on their religious ceremonies.

 

Another scene change shows a stone carving of bunch of Agori in loincloths dancing around a fire, evidently chanting something.

 

Tarduk: Here we can see a bunch of Agori – tribe unknown due to faded colors – performing the Stupid Dance. The Stupid Dance, as we like to call it, was how Agori back in those days used to contact the gods. According to ancient historical records, the Stupid Dance became obsolete when a man named Gregory Theodore Farshtey abolished the system due to its sheer stupidity and replaced worship of the gods with worship of the Great Beings.

 

A new carving pops up showing a bearded man holding what looked like a pen, scaring away a bunch of Agori from the fire.

 

Tarduk: This ushered in the new era in Bara Magnan history called the Era of the Great Beings. Like most of ancient history, we know little about it. All we know is that eventually something happened that totally warped the views of the Agori, changing their form of government from a theocracy to a more democratic form of government.

 

The next scene shows a bunch of Agori at voting booths, apparently casting votes for various candidates.

 

Tarduk: Due to rampant corruption in the government, however, an Agori revolutionist Kyry arose and toppled the world government, instead replacing it with a form of anarchy that still exists with us today.

 

The final carving shows an Agori with a flamethrower burning down the voting booths and – whether accidentally or intentionally – the Agori that had been voting in the previous scene.

 

Tarduk: That is all for today’s installment of “Ancient Bara Magna.” Please be here next week when we discuss the social significance of the radical change from the blue socks of the late Sandy Era Agori to the Early Watery Era Agori’s red socks and why today people always wear a blue and a red sock when traveling to Atero.

 

-

 

Ackar lay half-hospitalized on a slab of rock in the cold darkness of the night, barely breathing. He struggled to his feet, watching as his friends fought the demonic influence of Metus, which had fully risen from the Abyss and was now unleashing the forces of the place down under (not Australia, unfortunately) upon the world, which were being held back by the others.

 

Kiina and Gresh were back-to-back, fighting off the hordes of demons that were pouring from out of the depths of the Abyss. Kiina seized a demon, spun it above her head, and then hurled it at Gresh. Gresh whirled around and shot the demon out of the air, sending it flying straight into another army of demonic beings, annihilating the entire demonic army in one swift strike.

 

But more demons kept arising from out of the Abyss and Kiina and Gresh kept fighting without showing any signs of slowing down or getting weaker. In fact, they actually seemed to get stronger, if Kiina vaporizing an entire row of enemies with one blow was any indication.

 

Meanwhile, Berix and Mata Nui – sunglasses abandoned – were tag-teaming the Metus monster thingy, which referred to itself as Destruction. Mata Nui ran up the left arm, while Berix ran up the right arm. Destruction shot laser beams of death out of its eyes, but the two heroes either dodged or deflected the beams until they reached its head. Then, aiming their guns, they shot Destruction’s head from both sides, causing the personification of destruction to cry out in pain and shake them both off of its shoulders.

 

Then Destruction turned around and lifted a nearby mountain. He hurled it at Mata Nui and Berix, but something silly like a mountain wasn’t going to stop them. Mata Nui stuffed Berix into the barrel of the 40kMGA, aimed, and shot, sending Berix – now a blazing ball of energy – flying toward the mountain.

 

Berix and mountain collided in midair, creating a huge explosion that would have destroyed the whole planet had Mata Nui not grabbed it and redirected it back into space, sending the explosion off into the unknown depths of the universe, never to be heard from again.

 

That made Ackar jealous. He had been taken out earlier by a near-lethal blow from Destruction. He wondered if he was losing his edge.

 

I am getting old, Ackar thought as he sat down to contemplate, completely ignoring everything around him. I mean, I’m not as fast as Gresh or as hip and stylish as Berix. Nor am I the main character like Mata Nui is. Maybe I should just retire; no one needs an old man like me around anymore. I’m just deadweight. Only reason I’m around is ‘cause Mata Nui is my friend.

 

Ackar felt emo and, pulling out a pad of writing paper and a pen from nowhere, began writing emo poetry while his friends nearly got themselves killed. Here’s an example of what Ackar wrote:

 

I am useless

You are useless

Life is useless

The world is useless

The word useless is useless

Saying the word useless is useless is . . . useless.

 

Very creative, you see.

 

But as Ackar finished his 50^th verse of emo poetry, he realized just how bad it was. He couldn’t write poetry, not even emo poetry.

 

But he could fight, he suddenly remembered. He’d defeated Strakk, Stronius, and millions or perhaps billions of Skrall and bone hunters, which wasn’t even counting his previous victories during the great war all of those years ago, such as toppling a continent on an enemy base.

 

What was he getting emo about? Of course he was useful! He wasn’t deadweight. He had contributed to the team as much as the others, perhaps even more so. He was hip with the cool dog. He wasn’t going to get emo, which he realized was probably Destruction’s intent. Destruction only sought to destroy Ackar’s self-confidence, but Ackar wasn’t fooled. No one could fool him.

 

So, getting up to his feet, Ackar yelled, “Ha!” and instantly healed all of his wounds. He felt as fresh as a newborn baby, but not nearly as fragile. He was ready to kick Eldritch Abomination butt, starting with Destruction.

 

Raising his sword, he shouted, “For Narnia and for ASLAN!”

 

Then he flew through the air like a missile. He moved so fast that he sliced off Destruction’s left arm, causing the entity from the Abyss to cry out in pain. As Ackar turned around, he saw Mata Nui aimed his 40kMGA and shoot Destruction straight in the face, sending the monster stumbling backwards. Then Berix – who had apparently survived his collision with the mountain – bent over behind Destruction, causing the Abyss beast to stumble over the Agori, despite being so tall this shouldn’t have even been possible.

 

Destruction’s fall shook the ground so hard that his demonic servants actually exploded, while Kiina and Gresh performed a thousand different gymnastic techniques in order to keep their footing. Indeed, it felt like the entire world was shaking apart, as gigantic volcanoes pierced the surface of the ground and spewed hot molten lava and ash into the air. More demons were spilling out of the volcanoes, except they were all on fire due to having slept inside volcanoes. Gresh and Kiina ran to meet the new reinforcements, while Mata Nui, Ackar, and Berix began a new assault on Destruction.

 

The trio of heroes leapt into the air at the exact same time and, aiming directly at Destruction’s chest, combined their legs into one sharp arrow-like head. Then they fell and struck the entity with so much force that he broke through the ground, causing him to fall back into the Abyss.

 

“Nooooo!” Destruction roared as he fell. “I cannot be defeated again! I cannot!”

 

Ackar, Mata Nui, and Berix would have joined him into the Abyss, but they jumped off of his chest and then jumped off of each other to reach the surface. Then they watched as Destruction disappeared from view, seemingly defeated for good now.

 

“That was easy,” said Berix as he, Mata Nui, and Ackar turned away, not even sweating. “I mean, he just fell back into the Abyss crying like a big, fat, ugly baby, which he is.”

 

“Wait a moment,” said Mata Nui, stopping. “I heard something.”

 

Ackar, Mata Nui, and Berix stopped, listening. At first, Ackar could hear nothing out of the ordinary, but soon he heard rumbling below and felt the ground beneath his feet start to shake. In fact, he saw huge cracks appear in the rock, like some big monster was trying to break free.

 

And then, the ground collapsed, causing Mata Nui, Ackar, and Berix to float in midair as they looked down and saw not just one Destruction, but two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . hundreds of them, all crawling out from the depths of the Abyss, eager to kill. Ackar had never imagined that the Abyss could carry so many entities, but he knew they were all about to suffer the same fate as the original Destruction.

 

Ackar, Mata Nui, and Berix leapt out of the air and landed on solid ground as the army of Destructions rose from the Abyss. Mata Nui loaded his gun, Ackar swung his sword, and Berix made his trademark double barrel guns explode into existence. To test them out, he aimed at one of the nearby volcanoes and shot it, blowing the mountain up and sending lava raining down, striking several of the Destructions and causing them to fall backwards into the Abyss.

 

“Do you think we can defeat all of those?” Ackar asked Mata Nui, his eyes never leaving the army.

 

“We don’t need to,” said Mata Nui. “Because we’ve got a god on our side.”

 

Just then, lightning rained down from the heavens, striking several of the Destructions and obliterating them from existence. Startled, Ackar and Berix looked up and saw Zeus floating down on a chariot, two thunderbolts in his hands as his Greek toga flowed in the air all awesome like. Ackar was just glad he couldn’t see underneath Zeus’ toga.

 

“I have come to slay thee, monsters!” Zeus roared, speaking butchered Old English for some reason. “You are threats to Olympus! Ho ho!”

 

Since his chariot was going too slowly, Zeus performed a front flip off of it and landed on the ground, creating huge cracks in the earth where he landed. He then slammed his two lightning bolts together to form a sword made of out of electricity and charged the Destructions, tearing through them with a single stroke of his sword.

 

“Huh, I thought Zeus didn’t like mortals,” Ackar commented.

 

“Eh, me and him go way back,” said Mata Nui. “He’s okay with me. Anyway, let’s go kick those things back to whence they came!”

 

So the trio charged again, ready to defeat the Destructions once and for all.

 

-TNTOS-

Hmm. While I think I can safely say I prefer Imploded, this is pretty good as well. The depiction of Gresh is pretty spot on, actually.

 

Click's transformation in the last chappy was pretty humorous as well.

 

-MT

 

Yeah, it's not as good as TLI, but thanks for the reply anyway.

 

Time for a new chapter:

 

Chapter 14: What Should Be the Ending But Isn’t

 

Gresh had stood dumbfounded as he watched the Tuma go flying directly beneath the sun and then get crushed by that ball of heat and light. He had seen and experienced a lot of strange things in his life, but that had to take the cake.

 

He was standing alone on a pile of Skrall and bone hunter corpses, completely oblivious to his own accomplishments. One Skrall tried to get away, but without even looking Gresh shot a thin, deadly beam of energy and silenced the Skrall instantly.

 

At that moment Kiina and Berix appeared, Kiina looking like she had just fought a war, while Berix looked like he had just taken a nice, refreshing nap.

 

“Heyba, Kiina!” said Gresh, waving at them. “How didba yuba get free?”

 

“Broke myself out,” said Kiina with a shrug. She gestured to Berix, who was staring into the distance as the last traces of sunshine disappeared. “He just slept while I took out an army of Skrall and bone hunters.”

 

“Cool,” said Gresh as he jumped down from the pile of corpses. “Nowba where didba Ackar go?”

 

“Right here,” said a Clint Eastwood-like voice behind them, causing them all to jump in surprise.

 

The party of three looked around and saw Ackar, looking a little scratched up but okay overall, walking toward them with a broken Skrall sword in hand.

 

“Hey, Ackar!” said Berix brightly, watching as the old man approached the group. “What’d you do?”

 

“Punched a guy into Mount Olympus, causing it to fall,” Ackar replied. “What’d you do?”

 

“I slept,” Berix responded. “Sleep is important, you know.”

 

“Right,” said Ackar, unimpressed. Then he looked at Kiina and Gresh and said, “So, I assume you guys saw the Tuma go flying?”

 

“Yeah,” said Kiina, nodding eagerly. “I know of only one guy who could do that: Mata Nui!”

 

“He musba have succeeded after allba,” said Gresh. “Does that meanba that the story isba over?”

 

“Most likely not,” said Ackar with a shrug. “I figure the author has a couple more stupid plot twists in mind to stretch this thing out even longer than it should be.”

 

“Let’s go find Mata Nui,” said Kiina worryingly, “before the author makes up some more stupid plot twists like Ackar said.”

 

-

 

Mata Nui got to his feet, brushing sand off of his armor as he did so. He was relieved that the Tuma was finally defeated. It meant he could finally show Kiina that cybernetic demon wolf he had captured earlier. Then he, Kiina, and the others could throw a huge party in his honor once they got home, although Mata Nui figured that any party involving Berix would end with someone going to jail for murder, theft, or jaywalking.

 

Oh, well, Mata Nui thought as he laid his gun on his shoulder and turned to leave. That’s what happens when you befriend a psycho inmate who escaped from an asylum. It’s one of those things in life you just can’t avoid.

 

Mata Nui stopped, frowning. He thought he was forgetting something really important, but whatever it was, exactly, he could not remember. Something about a traitor betraying them or something like that. Mata Nui didn’t think it was all that important now that the Tuma was gone. It wasn’t like the traitor would just pop out of nowhere and reveal his dastardly plan to Mata Nui right before he succeeded, right?

 

At that moment, a greasy voice called, “Going somewhere, Mata Nui?”

 

“David Leisure?” Mata Nui said as he looked for the being, who was nowhere to be seen.

 

“No, but people often confuse me with him for some reason,” the voice answered.

 

Then a small, white-armored Agori with a smug grin popped out of the sand. He was familiar to Mata Nui, but he could not figure out what this particular Agori was doing here. Unless . . .

“Metus,” said Mata Nui, his voice hardening. “You are the traitor, aren’t you?”

 

“Why, I have no idea what you are talking about, Mata Nui,” said Metus as he casually picked up a discarded gun and examined it. “What traitor?”

 

“The Tuma said that there was a traitor within our group,” said Mata Nui as his hands tightened around his gun. “Berix thought it was himself, but the Tuma shot down that suggestion. I had no idea who it might be at the time, but looking back I can see you were the one behind it all.”

 

“Explain, Mata Nui,” said Metus, who sounded unconvinced.

 

“First, the cybernetic demon wolf,” Mata Nui began, his eyes never leaving Metus. “You set that up near my place to distract me and get me out of the house. Otherwise, I’d have gotten in your way and the Skrall wouldn’t have been able to kidnap Kiina.”

 

“Ha, that’s one wild theory,” said Metus as he threw the gun aside and picked up a sword. “Don’t cybernetic demon wolves run wild around your place anyway?”

 

“Yes, but this particular wolf had a cry like a dolphin,” Mata Nui said. “Cybernetic demon wolves bark like chickens, not dolphins. That was when I first realized something was wrong.”

 

“Interesting,” said Metus as he spun the sword in his hand. “I know everything, but I didn’t know that.”

 

“Not a lot of people do,” said Mata Nui seriously. “Anyway, then there was the bone hunter ambush in Sandray canyon, right at the beginning of the expedition. It was so random and out of nowhere that I could only conclude one of two things: That the author added it in to stretch this comedy or that somebody had set them to kill me and my friends before we could get too far. The latter seemed more likely to me, based on recent events.”

 

“What if it was both?” Metus suggested. “What if the author set the bone hunters up to kill you so he could stretch the comedy?”

 

Mata Nui shrugged. “That’s too crazy, even for this comedy. Anyway, then Tajun’s destruction seemed a little too complete, not to mention Strakk came absolutely out of nowhere. How could Strakk know Ackar was going to be in Tajun on that day? We hadn’t told anyone we were heading for Tajun. We didn’t even tell anyone we were leaving. So I figured somebody must have anticipated our journey to Tajun and so paid Strakk off to take us down before we could go any further.”

 

“Wow, your theory just gets wilder and wilder, Mata Nui,” said Metus as he tossed the sword away and lifted up a shield. “Really, Strakk is just a psycho who holds grudges for years and years. Besides, this is a badly written comedy, so he was probably there just for the lulz.”

 

“And after that, Malum’s attack on us,” Mata Nui continued. “Why would he attack us when we had not provoked him? Someone must have paid him off like Strakk. It was the only logical conclusion I could come to.”

 

Metus said nothing to this, although Mata Nui thought that the Agori did look a bit more nervous now as he swung the shield around.

 

“Your behavior at Tesara was strange, too,” said Mata Nui as he stroked his chin. “How you just gave that map of Roxtus to us so quickly and easily seemed awfully suspicious to me. Tornadias’ attack soon after also made me wonder. If it was possible to pay off two maniacs, could it not also be possible to pay off the personification of the tornado itself?”

 

“That’s stupid,” Metus muttered.

 

“Indeed it is, but this is a stupid comedy, so anything goes,” Mata Nui said. “Anyway, once we got to Roxtus and the Tuma told us that there was a traitor, it was then that I realized it was you. Only you had the brains to pull this mad scheme off, but I cannot fathom why you would do it in the first place. What did you hope to gain from kidnapping Kiina, allowing us to follow a very loose trail, and try to get us killed several dozen times along the way? Tell me and I will make sure you die peacefully.”

 

“Okay, you’re right,” Metus finally admitted. “I am the traitor. I set all of those things up, including Tornadias’ attack on you. All of it was part of my grand master plan to get ten billion and a half dollars.”

 

“That’s it?” said Mata Nui in disbelief. “You manipulated the Skrall and bone hunters in order to get ten billion and a half dollars?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Then why did you still go along with the plan when it became clear that I did not have ten billion and a half dollars?” Mata Nui asked. “Seriously, what was the point?”

 

“Um, well, you see, er, it’s got to do with the . . . uh . . .” Metus stuttered, apparently trying to think of something. “Um, shut up!”

 

“Well, whatever your vague and undefined reasons for continuing your plans were, I will still kick your butt to the stars,” said Mata Nui as he rolled up his non-existent sleeves. “No one kidnaps my girl and gets away with it.”

 

Metus, frightened, turned to run away, but he stopped dead when he saw Ackar, Gresh, Berix, and Kiina approaching. They all looked angry. He figured they had overheard Mata Nui’s monologue, meaning they knew he was the traitor. Which meant that he didn’t think they’d let him get away so easily.

 

“Okay, Mata Nui,” said Metus, turning around back to our hero, who was aiming his 40kMGA at the Agori. “You want to fight? Then bring it, suckafoo!”

 

Metus drew his ice axe and dashed so fast Mata Nui could not get a good lock on him. As he ran faster than the speed of light, Metus hurled his axe at Mata Nui. Our hero noticed the blade coming at him just in time, however, and ducked to avoid the weapon, which went flying straight toward Kiina and the others!

 

The spanker! Mata Nui thought in anger as he watched the axe go hurtling toward his friends. He didn’t intend to hit me; he was aiming for the others the whole time! How can I stop it before they get hit?

 

But there was nothing Mata Nui could do as he watched Metus’ weapon draw ever closer to his friends.

 

-

 

As it turned out, Mata Nui didn’t need to do anything, for Ackar’s sharp eyes noticed the incoming projectile before it ever came close to them.

 

“Incoming enemy projectile!” Ackar said to Gresh and Berix. “Battle Strategy Alpha Beta Gamma Omega and whatever other Greek letters we forgot!”

 

Gresh and Berix instantly knew what he was talking about. Back in the war, Mata Nui, Ackar, Gresh, and Berix had devised their own battle strategies, each one unique and different from the last. Most were designed to hospitalize the actual enemies, but ‘Battle Strategy Alpha Beta Gamma Omega and whatever other Greek letters we forgot’ could be used against enemy weapons as well.

 

So the three heroes took up their positions for the operation. Kiina, who realized something really big and possibly lethal was about to happen, quickly moved out of their way and found a relatively safe hiding spot behind a pile of hospitalized people to hide behind. Normally this move required four people, but since Mata Nui was not close enough they decided they could work with only three.

 

They stood in a triangular formation: Ackar at the top, Gresh in the bottom left corner, and Berix in the bottom right corner. Next, they raised their guns and charged energy through them. The three heroes waited until Metus’ axe was right in the middle of their triangle, for only then would ‘Battle Strategy Alpha Beta Gamma Omega and whatever other Greek letters we forgot’ work at its prime efficiency.

 

Within seconds Metus’ axe reached the exact middle of the triangle. All three of them knew they had only a split second before it moved out of position, so they shot huge blasts of energy color coordinated with their owners; Ackar’s red, Berix’s blue, and Gresh’s green.

 

Moving so fast they were ripping holes in reality, the energy blasts collided with the projectile at exactly the same moment, causing a gigantic multicolor explosion so huge that it would have totally annihilated the entire area and everything within it had Ackar, Berix, and Gresh not held the explosion back with their bare hands. They struggled to push the explosion back, until finally the explosion exploded, totally dissipating in the wind as the three twirled their guns in their hands and put them back in their holsters.

 

And yes, it was totally necessary. Every single move was completely necessary.

 

Metus just stood there with his mouth hanging open. “What in David Leisure’s name-“

 

Mata Nui, taking advantage of Metus’ surprise, darted forward and with an almighty punch that would have made Captain Falcon proud sent the Agori stumbling head over heels into a nearby building. Metus crashed through it, destroying its foundations and causing the building to collapse on the Agori as Mata Nui turned around, put on a pair of sunglasses he had pulled out of nowhere, and said, “Looks like Metus . . . just got hospitalized.”

 

“Mata Nui!” Kiina yelled, running toward our hero, kicking aside hospitalized Skrall and bone hunters as she went. “Mata Nui! I-“

 

She never got to finish her sentence, for the next moment the ruins of the building which had collapsed on Metus exploded, raining down stone and debris on everyone. A particularly large rock was about to hit Kiina, but Mata Nui – still wearing his sunglasses – leapt onto another piece of falling debris, aimed his 40kMGA, and blew the stone that was about to crush Kiina into a million pieces. Then he leapt off of the other rock and landed beside Kiina, looking as cool as possible while doing so.

 

Kiina looked at him exasperatedly. “You know, you could have just shot the boulder.”

 

“Yeah, but I felt like being over-the-top and cool today,” said Mata Nui. Then his attention was drawn to the source of the explosion. “Wait a minute, Kiina. I sense that something is arising from the Abyss.”

 

And he was right. Rising slowly from the Abyss was a huge behemoth of a monster. It had pure white armor stained with black in several places, like blood. Huge, icy wings extended from its back, flapping in a non-existent breeze just to look awesome. Its forty-foot-long claws extended and retracted from its gigantic limbs as it surveyed the area with cold blue eyes.

 

Despite this epic appearance, the monster from the Abyss still had Metus’ head. Except there were tiny little goat horns poking out of its skull, but besides that it looked exactly like Metus’ greasy little head.

 

“Ah, I am free!” the being roared, unleashing a sonic boom at the heavens that gave Zeus a headache. “Although my servant Metus may have failed, I have arisen again to take over the world!”

 

“Not if we can stop you!” Ackar shouted as he, Gresh, and Berix joined up with Kiina and Mata Nui.

 

“Yeahba,” said Gresh, staring defiantly up at the beast. “We gonna kickba your butt backba toba the Abyss.”

 

“And we’ll do it with style, too,” said Berix as he put on sunglasses similar to Mata Nui’s.

 

“Berix, only I look cool with sunglasses,” said Mata Nui, without looking at his friend.

 

“You’re wearing sunglasses?” Berix asked in surprise as he looked up at the yellow-armored warrior.

 

“Never mind,” Mata Nui sighed. Then, addressing the beast, he shouted, “I don’t know who you are, but like Gresh said (I think he said this, anyway); we’re going to kick you and your butt straight back into the Abyss. Let’s get ‘im, guys!”

 

-TNTOS-

Decent chapter.; My favorite part was the opening with the agent talking to the guy.

 

I did notice one minor typo, though:

 

Meanwhile, outside the Bionicle's Mansion…

 

 

Should be "Bionicles'," as the mansion is not owned by one person named "the Bionicle."

 

Other than that, didn't notice any other typos, so good job there.

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 13: More Epic Fighting

 

Kiina performed a back flip to avoid having her head sliced off by a Skrall, then seized that same Skrall and used his body as a meat shield, catching the bullets of the thousands of Skrall and bone hunters who’d tried to shoot her.

 

Throwing aside the lifeless corpse, she ran and then jumped up so high into the air that she became a little less than a dark speck in the evening sky. Then she came falling down so hard that she crashed straight into the middle of the army, creating a gigantic explosion that would have put an atomic bomb to shame.

 

She arose from the smoking pile of wood and corpses and shook her head, feeling a little dizzy.

 

“Whoa, that was crazy,” said Kiina as she stumbled forward a bit. “I could have- Whoa!”

 

Kiina nearly tripped over a napping Berix, who had somehow got a blanket, pillow, and teddy bear into his possession. Berix looked completely fine, despite having been in the vicinity of the explosion. Not even his armor was black from the flames, which Kiina thought was odd.

 

“Hey, dummy, wake up,” Kiina said, kicking the Agori in the side. “Now’s not the time to be sleeping, Mr. Psycho!”

 

It looked like she had said the magic words, for Berix’s eyes flew open, but they were now red instead of green. Two double barrel guns appeared in his holsters and, as he got up, Kiina thought he was acting really weird. Well, weirder than normal, anyway.

 

“I am Double Barrel Berix,” said Berix in a monotone, robotic voice. “I must now destroy all enemies.”

 

He drew his guns and aimed them at a fly that was buzzing by idly. As soon as he pulled the trigger, the fly exploded in a fiery rain of flames that shocked Kiina.

 

“Enemies terminated,” said Berix robotically as he shoved his guns back into his holsters. “Berix-bot returning to normal status. Please do not remove the memory card or open the console while progress is saving.”

 

Immediately, Berix’s head drooped forward. Kiina hesitantly reached out to touch him, to see if he was still alive.

 

Without warning Berix’s head went upright before Kiina could touch him, causing her to yelp and jump back in surprise.

 

Berix stretched his arms, yawning, and said, “Good morning, Kiina. How’s life been treating you?”

 

Kiina was speechless at how normal he was acting now. “What was with that . . . how did you . . . why did you . . .”

 

“Ooo, we’re speaking in fragments today?” Berix said eagerly. “Okay, I’ll go. Kiina. How’s life I need ten stacks of how do you pronounce what is I saw ten over there eating oh no!“

 

“Never mind,” Kiina sighed. “Look, I don’t see any other Skrall or bone hunters around here-“

 

“Except for that one!” Berix spun around and shot the Skrall before it could get away.

 

“Berix, that Skrall was already hospitalized,” said Kiina.

 

“Oh, I knew that,” said Berix. Kiina doubted that. “I was just, er, testing you! Also, Metus once told me that you have to shot a corpse after it is hospitalized if you don’t want it to turn into a zombie and eat your brain.”

 

“Metus . . .” Kiina gasped. “Berix, we gotta find Mata Nui and the others. We have to tell them who the traitor is.”

 

“Is it the butler? ‘Cause if it is, I knew it was him,” said Berix as they ran along the destroyed area.

 

“No, but someone much worse,” said Kiina. “And if we don’t tell someone, I don’t think any of us will survive."

 

-

 

Ackar seized Stronius’s club and wrenched it out of the Skrall’s hands. However, unbeknownst to Ackar, the club weighed five billion pounds, so he dropped it almost immediately due to its sheer weight.

 

“Gah, how can you hold this thing for more than three seconds?” Ackar demanded as he shook his hands, which were sore from trying to hold the battle rattle. “Seriously, I’m surprised you can actually lift the darn thing.”

 

Stronius bent over and lifted the battle rattle like it was a toy made out of plastic. “It is not that I am strong – although I most certainly am – it is that you are weak. Weaklings can’t wield five billion pound rattles; only the mighty can.”

 

“Then excuse me for trying!” Ackar shouted, swinging his blade as he charged Stronius.

 

Had Stronius not seen it coming, it was likely Ackar would have pierced the elite Skrall’s face. But as it was, Stronius grabbed Ackar’s sword and snapped it in two with ease. Shocked, Ackar got hit directly in the face by the battle rattle, which sent him flying several feet away from Stronius.

 

Ackar landed on the sand hard, breathing heavily. His skull felt like it was about to split open any second now, but he couldn’t give up. He had not come all this way just to get beat by some guy with an oversized rattle.

 

Struggling to his feet, Ackar looked up in time to see Stronius jump and leap through the air at him, a glint of triumph in his eyes. There was no way to dodge Stronius now; he was coming too fast. So Ackar could either sit there and get flattened by a giant baby’s rattle or else try to break it. Since Ackar didn’t want to go down in history as the guy who got killed by an oversized rattle, he chose the latter, however unrealistic it might be.

 

Ackar reared back as Stronius came closer. Ackar was channeling all of his energy into his fist, putting every last ounce of strength he had into this one final attack. If he failed, he would die, but since he had no plans to die tonight, he knew he wasn’t going to fail.

 

Just as Stronius’ battle rattle came within three feet of Ackar’s face, the hero threw his fist at the weapon made of stupidium. He put so much force into this attack that he actually stopped Stronius in midair. Shocked, Stronius cried out, “What? How can you stop my battle rattle so easily?”

 

“’Cause I learned to give up baby toys a long time ago, Stronius,” Ackar answered as he pressed harder against the rattle, “so you can’t kill me even if you tried.”

 

Yelling loudly, Ackar sunk his fist so deeply into the battle rattle that it actually exploded. His fist kept going, however, and struck Stronius right in the middle of the eyes, shattering the elite Skrall’s helmet into thousands of pieces.

 

Stronius, screaming (or perhaps crying; Ackar couldn’t tell), went flying into the sky. He collided with Mount Olympus, which Zeus had just spent so much time putting back into the heavens. Mount Olympus crashed landed onto Bara Magna again as Zeus spouted a bunch of cuss words in Ancient Greek that, if translated, would have made this comedy jump straight from PG to XXX.

 

Ackar, panting hard, lowered his fist, which looked surprisingly good despite having just punched through stupidium. He felt like he had succeeded, but he had no time to celebrate, for as soon as the writer got bored of this scene Ackar fell backwards, sleeping soundly from all of the fighting he had just done.

 

-

 

Mata Nui hid behind a low stone wall as the Tuma searched the area for him.

 

“Come out, come out, wherever you are, Mata Nui,” the Tuma growled in a low, dangerous-sounding voice. “Or else the Tuma will tear this whole world apart to find you!”

 

I need my 40kMGA, Mata Nui thought as he quickly peeped over his barrier to see if the Tuma was still there. I am certain it is the only way to stop the Tuma. Nothing else has worked so far. Not even lodging a bullet in his neck worked.

 

But that brought up the earlier dilemma again; he had no 40kMGA. So, like before, he would have to make due with what he had until he could figure out a way to stop the Tuma once and for all.

 

He noticed a green Skrall shield lying nearby. He recognized it as the Tuma’s, which had somehow ended up over there due to an unforeseen set of embarrassing circumstances that Mata Nui did not feel like repeating here. He reached out and grabbed it. One attempt to lift it proved difficult, for it appeared to weigh several thousand pounds. However, he managed to hold it firmly in his grasp.

 

Then he shot straight up and yelled, “Hey, Tuma! Catch this!”

 

Mata Nui charged the shield with energy and hurled it at the Tuma. The Tuma turned around too late to dodge or deflect the attack. The shield struck him head on and exploded, creating a huge dust cloud that temporarily blocked the Tuma from Mata Nui’s vision. Sand got in Mata Nui’s eyes, which he furiously wiped out so as to not allow the Tuma an opportunity to strike him.

 

At first, Mata Nui thought his attack had finished the Tuma off. However, as the dust settled, he saw the Tuma standing exactly where he had been before, with his head flung back as though it had been blown back by the explosion. Then, his neck creaking painfully, the Tuma looked back at Mata Nui with an amused smile on his face, like he was thinking, So you think throwing an exploding shield at me will stop me? As if!

 

Then the Tuma charged. He body slammed into Mata Nui, catching the hero off-guard. Then he seized Mata Nui by the throat and hurled him about two dozen feet from the gang leader. Mata Nui skidded along the sand and crashed into another low stone wall, dazed as he watched the sun set in the distance.

 

“This is what happens to fools who defy the mighty Tuma!” the Tuma said as he advanced on Mata Nui, aiming his hand cannon at our hero’s face. “They all taste the bitter flavor of defeat!”

 

For the first time in his life, Mata Nui began to actually panic. None of his attacks had even been slightly strong enough to defeat the Tuma and he had no weapon anymore. He almost despaired as Death himself loomed ahead in Mata Nui’s vision. He could just imagine the grim reaper raising his scythe, eager to collect another soul for his harvest.

 

Then Mata Nui felt something crawling up the side of his body. He glanced in that direction and saw a familiar purple kid appeal bug that had fought beside him in the great war ten years ago. It was Click, which meant Mata Nui was going to kick some butt again.

 

One Click reached Mata Nui’s shoulder, the bug rolled down his arm until he landed in Mata Nui’s open palm. Then Click instantly transformed into the 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle. As Mata Nui felt the familiar weight of the gun in his hand, he vowed to never write Click off as merely kid appeal ever again. Except he probably would, but hey, it’s the thought that counts.

 

Then the Tuma raised his cannon and fired, while simultaneously unleashing three dozen bullets from each of his three remaining back-mounted guns. The cannon ball and bullets were all heading for Mata Nui. Any normal person would have given up any hope of salvation, but Mata Nui was no normal person. He had his 40kMGA and he knew how to use it.

 

Mata Nui raised his 40kMGA rifle and somehow caught all 36 bullets plus the cannon ball in his gun’s barrel. Then, activating its special ability, Mata Nui aimed his gun straight in the face of the now startled Tuma, smiling triumphantly all the while.

 

“Looks like you’re about to figure out what happens to those who defy the mighty Mata Nui!” Mata Nui shouted as he unleashed a huge energy blast from the 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle at the Tuma’s chest.

 

When the blast collided with the Tuma, he immediately went flying toward the sunset. His armor glowed with crackling energy as he cried out, “This cannot be! I am the mighty Tuma! There is no way that I can-“

 

Tuma crash landed right underneath the sun. Dazed from the blow, the Tuma looked up and saw a bunch of midgets call narglesnaps pushing a gigantic, glowing yellow ball of heat and flame toward him, which he too late realized was the sun itself.

 

“No!” the Tuma shouted in horror. “I am the mighty Tuma! The mighty Tuma is invincible! I cannot be-“

 

And, as the day turned to night, the mighty Tuma was hospitalized.

 

-TNTOS-

 

Just finished reading all 22 chapters that you've put up so far.

 

I would first like to quote a few of my favorite moments:

 

 

Cyberwolf: I have been programmed to track down and recover the ultimate power from this place. You will not interfere. (uses a chainsaw blade attached to his tail to begin drilling through the floor)

Xplode: …uh…that's kind of our floor.

Cyberwolf: …

Xplode: …we kind of care about it.

Cyberwolf: …

 

 

Mariana: Well, aren't you just the cutest thing? I have to say, I'm a bit flustered right now! It's been quite a while since I've felt this excited, hmm?

Tahu: *GAK!* I BEG your pardon!

Mariana: Oh, no need to apologize! I'm not entirely sure what the right words are either, but that's not stopping me!

Tahu: …

Mariana: Oh, dear me! I'm talking so much, I haven't even been able to properly introduce myself!

Tahu: Oh…no…that's, um…quite all right. In fact, I have a prior engagement…right now…goodbye!

Mariana: Oh, dearie! Don't worry about that!

Tahu: …DEARIE?!

Mariana: Oh, you're so handsome when you're embarrassed!

Tahu: *GAK!*

Sam: …well…it seems you two are getting along wonderfully. I'll just leave you two together!

Tahu: NO! SAM! GET BACK HERE NOW! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THIS WINDBAG ALONE!!

Mariana: Oh, sweetie!

Tahu: …AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!

Omega Turtle: Is that it! Is that buh it! Is it really buh it!? (opens the door)

Postman: Here's a package for Mr…

Omega Turtle: …

Postman: …are you…a turtle?

Omega Turtle: Nope. Gimme that. Buh bye. (grabs the box and slams the door shut)

Postman: …

 

That last one in particular was pretty good.

 

Anyway, I've enjoyed what you've posted so far. It hasn't been gut-bustingly hilarious yet, but you've earned a few chuckles from me. I think I'll keep following it and will try to reply regularly.

 

My favorite character so far is Omega Turtle, but I found Mariana funny as well, if only because she freaked Tahu out. Shame she's gone, though.

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 12: The Battle Rages on, all on Saturday

 

When the two forces collided, it was like an atomic bomb fifty thousand times its original strength had gone off.

 

That’s what it looked like to Kiina, anyway, who watched as the explosion rocked the canyon, leveling whole buildings and creating huge fissures in the ground in which several Skrall and bone hunters fell. Somehow her platform hadn’t been hit at all, but she was so distracted by the fight going on that she didn’t bother to question the strangeness of that.

 

Over to the right, she could see one of Mata Nui’s friends – that old coot named Ackar – taking down a thousand Skrall and bone hunters with every shot of his pistol. When he ran out of bullets, he threw the gun aside – which exploded, by the way – and jumped headfirst into the startled crowd of bone hunters and Skrall, tearing through them like they were made out of paper, which they were.

 

To the far left she saw Gresh – that guy whom she couldn’t understand due to his bizarre way of speaking – leaping from Skrall to Skrall, bone hunter to bone hunter, apparently without any regard as to where he was going. Kiina had no idea what he was up to, but she figured he knew what he was doing, since he was one of Mata Nui’s friends and all.

 

And in the center of the field – fighting on a single slab of rock extending from the heart of the planet’s core – were the Tuma and Mata Nui fighting so epically Kiina could barely see what they were doing. Based on what she could see, the Tuma was using his hand cannon like a sword, while Mata Nui blocked and defended with his pistol like it was a dagger. Both fighters moved faster than lightning, which hurt Kiina’s head because she couldn’t follow the fight very well.

 

“Cool fight, eh?” said Berix, sitting next to her with a bag of popcorn.

 

“Yeah, it’s- Hey!” said Kiina, nearly jumping out of her armor in surprise. “Berix, why aren’t you helping Mata Nui and the others kick the Tuma to Mars?”

 

“Why would I be?” asked Berix, tilting his head to one side as he stuffed popcorn into his mouth. “They don’t look like they need my help.”

 

“Yeah, but still,” Kiina argued, “you look bad sitting here like this. At least free me if you want to make yourself useful!”

 

“Maybe later,” said Berix, yawning as a bone hunter went flying over his head. “I think I want to take a nap for now.”

 

Just then, innumerable Skrall and bone hunters appeared out of nowhere, clearly aiming for Berix. Kiina looked desperately at Berix, but the Agori merely yawned once more and curled into a ball, like he was ready for a good, long nap.

 

“Do I have to do everything myself?” Kiina sighed.

 

Displaying an unprecedented amount of strength, she snapped the iron chains that had shackled her arms and legs together and immediately leapt to her feet. Then she seized the nearest Skrall, took his rifle, and hurled that Skrall – who was now crying like the world’s biggest baby – into the air. She shot the flying Skrall, who exploded into a shower of fireworks when the bullet collided with his armor.

 

The other Skrall and bone hunters all cheered at the sight of fireworks, which allowed Kiina to move in and begin mowing down an endless amount of cannon fodder minions. She shot, she kicked, she punched, and she danced (don’t ask) as she fought the Skrall and bone hunters, while Berix napped on, completely oblivious to the war brewing all around him.

 

-

 

Gresh fell to his knees to pick up a shiny penny he saw on the ground. That was fortunate for him, for that one move allowed him to dodge hundreds of thousands of bullets that would have given him more holes than Swiss cheese.

 

“I likeba shiny pennies,” said Gresh, holding the penny up to the light. “Shiny pennyba. . .”

 

Because the penny was so shiny and clean, the light reflecting off it transformed into a concentrated beam of energy that totally disintegrated about a quarter of the Skrall and bone hunters he was fighting. Not that he noticed that he had a super dangerous weapon in his hands; he deposited the penny into his wallet and continued fighting like nothing had happened.

 

Gresh ducked, narrowly avoiding a gigantic rock that had been hurled at him. However, as the rock passed, Gresh grabbed it and – while it still flew – he climbed on top of it and jumped up into the air well above the enemy soldiers below. He aimed his pistol and fired off three hundred bullets, which struck their targets and took out a thousand with each shot.

 

He performed about 60 summersaults in midair before landing. Then he whirled around and continued whirling, spinning so fast he transformed into a tornado that sucked in any and all nearby Skrall and bone hunters. Many tried to run, but none escaped Tornado Gresh ^TM as it spun devastatingly fast throughout the area.

 

As the Skrall and bone hunters swirled inside of his tornado, Gresh struck at them, hitting each individual warrior 1,000.2 times each. This was a special technique that Gresh had thought up literally just this second, combining his awesomeness movement with the power of the tornado to make an absolutely unstoppable force of awesome.

 

Every Skrall or bone hunter he defeated went flying out of his tornado. He sent one particular Skrall flying so fast that he left orbit and crashed into Aqua Magna, which was floating happily in space at that moment. Others were merely thrown more than halfway across the desert, while others splattered against the skyline, becoming new constellations.

 

When Gresh stopped spinning, he was so dizzy that the entire world actually was spinning. He stumbled for a bit, giggling like a five-year-old on sugar, until he regained balance with a supreme force of will that surpassed that of Zeus himself.

 

Zeus wasn’t happy with that, however, and as the heavens opened the god of the sky hurled a lightning bolt at Gresh. Gresh noticed it coming just in time, however, and deflected it with his pistol.

 

The lightning bolt struck Zeus in the chest, sending the god crashing backwards into Mount Olympus, which somehow caused Mount Olympus to fall from the sky and crash land in the distance.

 

“Thaba be what yuba geba for nothing, Zeus,” Gresh said, just as another army of Skrall and bone hunters magically appeared out of nowhere. “Oh, greaba. Now Iba goinba to have hospitalize yuba all again.”

 

-

 

Ackar had stolen a sword from one of the Skrall and was battling sixteen different swordsmen at once. He blocked all of their moves with a single, swift motion of his blade. Then, noting that their swords were caught on his blade, he hurled the sixteen swordsmen over his shoulder at the rest of the army. Predictably they exploded upon making contact with the other forces, causing the Skrall and bone hunters to scatter in panic.

 

Just as Ackar was about to cause even more chaos, two red armored hands popped out of the earth and seized his ankles.

 

“Ah! Zombies!” Ackar shouted as he stumbled backwards.

 

“Not zombies!” An ugly armored head burst of the ground, grinning crazily at Ackar. “But Stronius!”

 

Ackar watched in amazement as the bulky Skrall burst out of the ground. This Stronius fellow wore deep black armor, which contrasted with his dark red skin. He also carried a gigantic club that looked suspiciously like an oversized rattle to Ackar. In fact, he could have sworn he’d heard some rattling noises from within the club when Stronius had risen.

 

“Who the censored word are you?” Ackar demanded.

 

“I am Stronius, ho ho!” the Skrall answered as he swung his battle rattle around. “I have risen from the earth to meet thee in combat! For clearly, you are the equal of your leader and I, being the marvelous and humble second-in-command of the Tuma, have come to challenge you, oh old man!”

 

“I didn’t catch anything you said except for two words,” said Ackar as he kicked two loaded rifles into his hands and cocked them. “Old man. I am not an old man.”

 

He fired both guns at Stronius, who deflected the bullets with his battle rattle. Then, moving with surprising speed, Stronius charged forward and smashed his battle rattle into Ackar’s abdomen.

 

Surprised that he’d actually been hit, Ackar went flying into a nearby crowd of Skrall. And, as usual, when he collided with them they all exploded, but Ackar was unaffected by the flames. Actually, he used them to his advantage.

 

“Arise, King of Fire, and slay this fool!” Ackar ordered the flames.

 

Without hesitation the form of a man appeared in the midst of the flames, a man wearing red royal robes of a king. The King of Fire heeded Ackar’s orders and unleashed a three hundred thousand foot tall and wide wall of fire at Stronius.

 

But Stronius had his own tricks up his sleeve and shouted, “Queen of Earth, protect thy servant from the oncoming flames of the King of Fire!”

 

At first, Ackar was sure Stronius was just babbling like a moron, for the flames appeared to pass over Stronius.

 

However, when the fire passed, there was a Stronius-sized bubble of earth were Stronius had been standing previously. It was completely blackened by the flames, but looked pretty sturdy and safe. Ackar wondered where it had came from when Stronius smashed his way through the bubble with his battle rattle, laughing heartily as he did so.

 

“Ho ho! The King of Fire and the Queen of Earth are equally matched, it seems!” Stronius yelled, shaking his battle rattle madly in the air. “But I do not need the Queen of Earth’s help to crush you, my fine gray friend!”

 

“Nor do I need the King of Fire to defeat you!” Ackar roared as he threw aside the two rifles he held and charged at Stronius with his sword.

 

The two combatants charged each other, yelling so loudly that it was nigh impossible to hear the rattling sounds the battle rattle was making as Stronius bumped around. When their weapons clashed, the two warriors glared at each other, each trying to push the other away with all of his strength.

 

“Give up,” Stronius told Ackar as energy began crackling around them. “My rattle is made out of stupidium, the strongest substance in the universe. Not even the Great Beings themselves could break it, even if they put all of their strength together!”

 

“So you think I can’t break it, huh?” said Ackar, straining to hold back the colossal Skrall as best as he could. “Sorry, but I guess you just don’t know me very well then.”

 

Ackar rolled out of the way, causing Stronius to go stumbling forward. Ackar raised his blade and struck Stronius’ armor, but it was so thick and powerful that he could not even scratch it.

 

“Ha ho! You cannot pierce my armor, either!” Stronius announced as he swung his battle rattle at the old warrior. “Only a truly mad man can destroy stupidium!”

 

Then I’ll just have to get madder, Ackar thought as he clenched his sword. Just how mad I’ll have to get remains to be seen.

 

-

 

The Tuma unleashed a flurry of bullets at Mata Nui from his four back mounted guns. Mata Nui rolled underneath the attack and aimed his pistol directly at the Tuma’s head. He pulled the trigger, but the bullet merely bounced harmless off of the Tuma’s head.

 

“Can’t you see you cannot win?” the Tuma snarled as he slapped Mata Nui’s gun out of his hand. “I am the mighty Tuma, the strongest warrior of them all! Why do you think a weakling like you could defeat me?”

 

“Because I have the power of love!” Mata Nui shouted as he rolled underneath the Tuma’s legs. “And the power of awesomeness, both of which are exactly the same thing!”

 

Mata Nui leapt to his feet and, before the Tuma could react, ripped one of the shot guns off of the Tuma’s back. The Tuma cried out in pain as Mata Nui shot the Tuma’s back at point blank range.

 

But this did nothing more than enrage the Tuma, who whirled around and began swinging his hand cannon like a sword at our hero. Mata Nui countered or deflected every strike, but it soon became clear that the Tuma’s cannon was far stronger than Mata Nui’s own gun. As if to prove a point, the next blow from the Tuma created a huge crack in the side of Mata Nui’s weapon.

 

If only I had my 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle right now, Mata Nui thought angrily as he dodged, Matrix-style, a devastating blow from the Tuma that appeared to destroy air. If I had that, then the Tuma would go down easily.

 

But Mata Nui did not have his 40kMGA rifle on him at the moment, so he’d have to make do with what he did have. And hopefully it would be enough to kick the Tuma all the way to Aqua Magna.

 

The Tuma shot a volley of bullets at Mata Nui again. This time, Mata Nui jumped and landed on the incoming bullets. Moving faster than he ever had before, Mata Nui leaped off of the projectiles, performed 70 summersaults in midair, and then delivered an almighty kick directly to the Tuma’s head, an attack that would have normally dislocated all of the bones in a normal being’s body.

 

As Mata Nui landed, he looked up and saw that the Tuma, apparently, was not a normal being, for all of his bones appeared to be intact. The only thing to indicate he had been kicked that hard in the face was the fact that there was a bad dent in his helmet’s forehead; beyond that, he looked just fine, although quite murderous.

 

“I did not want to see your feet!” the Tuma roared as he raised his arms to the sky. “The mighty Tuma shall crush you beneath his feet!”

 

The Tuma actually jumped into the air like an acrobat and landed hard on Mata Nui. Or at least, he would have, had Mata Nui not jumped out of the way in time to avoid being crushed into a yellow pancake with attitude.

 

“I don’t want to see your feet, either, Tuma,” said Mata Nui as he aimed his gun at the Tuma again. “In fact, all I want to see is your hospitalized state of being.”

 

He shot the gun at the side of the Tuma’s head, where a small amount of flesh was open. The bullet pierced the Tuma’s neck, sending him flying away from Mata Nui. He landed on the ground hard, although because this is a kid’s comedy there is no blood. Instead, candy flowed from the newly created wound, which would be later distributed to all of the poor and needy kids around the globe (although what they needed was REAL food rather than candy, but eh, candy’s good too).

 

The Tuma looked hospitalized. Mata Nui sighed, knowing his adventure had finally come to an end. So he turned around, but as he did so, he heard a loud groan behind him that sounded too much like someone he knew.

 

Turning back around, Mata Nui watched with shock as the Tuma slowly got to his knees, coughing out candy from his mouth as he did so.

 

The Tuma held some of the candy in his hand, which slowly trickled through his fingers like sand. He looked up at Mata Nui, his red eyes glowing with murderous rage.

 

“I will kil- er, hospitalize you, Mata Nui, for daring to shoot the mighty Tuma!” the Tuma snarled as he got back up, wiping candy and sand off of his armor as he did so. “Today you will be hospitalized because I will hospitalize you hospitalize!”

 

Mata Nui sighed in frustration. “Don’t you ever give up? But I’ll take you on anyway. Looks like you need a little lesson from Mata Nui’s school of hard knocks. And I am the teacher, who is going to give you an ‘F’ for fail if you don’t give up quick!”

 

-TNTOS-

Thanks for the review, Zehvor . Glad you enjoyed the story. It was fun for me to write as well.

 

Regarding future installments: I actually am working on another comedy in the 'Legendverse,' as I call it. It's not a part of the trilogy, but it does feature some of the same characters and humor from the trilogy. I did not intend on writing another comedy in this universe, but I got a really good idea and just absolutely had to write it.

 

The next story is currently titled My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive. As for you can guess, it will be a crossover fic between Bionicle and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It will be somewhat more serious than this comedy, but it will still have much of the same awesomeness and wacky humor present in the original trilogy. Expect to see it in early or mid September, assuming my plans work out how I think they will.

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 11: Prelude to Battle

 

The Tuma stood high above his many legions of Skrall, watching as the sun set in the west. In only a few minutes, he would hospitalize the pitiful girl named Kiina just to be evil. True, he didn’t get the ten billion and a half dollars in cash like he’d wanted, but he figured he could always rob a bank to get what he needed anyway.

 

“Today, my minions, you shall watch as I hospitalize this girl because her boyfriend did not give me my money!” the Tuma announced to the crowd of Skrall and bone hunters, all of which screamed and shouted. The Tuma was quite sure he had just seen one of the Skrall exploded because he had been so excited, which didn’t both the Tuma. It just added to the moment.

 

He looked at Kiina, who was on her knees and chained next to him. “Any last words, girl?”

 

She looked up at him and snapped, “All I want to say is that you’re the worst written action movie villain ever.”

 

“That’s what they all say,” said the Tuma as he aimed his hand cannon at her face, “which is why I think you made a poor selection of last words on such a weak insult. Good bye, young woman. Today marks a new era of my awesomeness!”

 

Just before he could pull the trigger, however, the back of the army literally exploded, sending massive shockwaves throughout the rest of the army that caused them to scatter in confusion. The Tuma lifted his cannon and looked around for the source of the explosion, but all he could see were flames that consumed everything around them.

 

Then four beings walked out of the flames, cocking their guns and looking tough. The Tuma couldn’t believe his eyes, but there was no denying Mata Nui and the crew walking free toward him, ready to kick his butt as soon as their feet came within contact of it.

 

“How did you escape?” the Tuma shouted in shock.

 

“You really should treat your minions more kindly,” Mata Nui replied as he aimed his pistol at the Tuma. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be as stupid as most movie villains tend to be.”

 

“Mata Nui!” Kiina yelled. “Where the heck have you been? I’ve been tied up and forced to sleep in a very uncomfortable cage! I’ve been waiting for you this entire time and-“

 

“Kiina, don’t worry,” said Mata Nui, cutting her off quickly. “I just got distracted by bone hunters, personifications of the weather, and people from the past who held grudges against my friends. I will rescue you as soon as I kick the Tuma’s big butt to the next universe and back, okay?”

 

“Okay,” said Kiina, pouting. “But these ropes are really uncomfortable.”

 

The Tuma jumped off of the platform and landed in the middle of the flaming battlefield. He held up his free hand and snapped his fingers.

 

Immediately, the scattered Skrall and bone hunter forces regrouped behind their leader. Although most of them appeared to be on fire, the Tuma’s orders seemed to matter more to them than their own well-being, apparently. Either that or they were somehow immune to the fire and thus were not as badly affected as they had originally let on.

 

Regardless of the reasons, the fact was that the Tuma now had a force of millions strong assembled behind him. Mata Nui was not worried about the millions of Skrall and bone hunters he and his friends would have to face. He figured the Tuma was worse than all of them put together, which was exactly why Mata Nui would take the Tuma head on.

 

“All right, guys,” Mata Nui said to Ackar, Gresh, and Berix, all of whom were now aiming their pistols at the army. “Let’s go kick some sassafras and show these badly-written and underdeveloped movie villains just who the heck we are!”

 

“Just who the heck are we anyway?” asked Berix.

 

“I don’t know,” Mata Nui replied with a shrug. “But maybe the Tuma does.”

 

With a yell, the four heroes charged the army. The army also charged them, swords swinging and guns firing. At the head of the army was the Tuma himself, his red eyes glowing so brightly they almost blinded Mata Nui. However, Mata Nui, at the head of his little brigade, met the Tuma’s eyes head on.

 

Who knows what will happen when these two forces clash? Will any living thing on Bara Magna survive when they collide? Will the universe itself crumple beneath the sheer awesomeness that was about to erupt?

 

Possibly. Or maybe everyone would die and this would just be another dark smudge in the history of the universe that some careless scribe will accidentally wipe off of the paper he is supposed to be copying due to his disinterest. Who knows?

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 10: Deus Ex Machina

 

The four once-proud heroes sat in their small, dank jail cell almost all of them feeling depressed about one thing or another. Mata Nui was sad because he knew Kiina was going to be executed any moment now and there was nothing he could do. Ackar was depressed because he knew that he was going to be executed any moment and there was nothing he could do about it. Gresh believed all hope was lost and so sat in a corner, counting the particles of dust he could see by the light of the torch.

 

Berix, meanwhile, felt sad because he was going to miss his soaps. When he voiced this concern, Ackar snapped, “We’re all going to be hospitalized and you’re worried about soap operas?”

“But this is the episode where we find out whether Jane really is Bill’s stepbrother or not!” said Berix anxiously. “It’s like the biggest episode of the season!”

 

“I thought Joe had already said that Jane wasn’t Bill’s stepbrother,” said Mata Nui, looking at Berix, puzzled.

 

“The most recent episode said that he might have been lying,” said Berix. “But now, without any TV, I don’t know whether Joe really was lying or not! The suspense is hospitalizing me!”

 

“We need to find a way out of here,” said Mata Nui, getting to his feet and feeling all the walls for any sort of weak spot he could smash. “Otherwise we’ll be stuck discussing the relations of characters in soap operas for the rest of our short lives.”

 

“But there is no way out,” said Ackar miserably. “I checked. I used to build jails, you know, for fun, and I know that this cell is pretty tightly designed.”

 

“How so?” asked Mata Nui.

 

“Well, for one, the inner walls are made of three or four thick layers of stone,” said Ackar as he felt along the barriers. “Then, the second shell is made out of three hundred foot thick titanium. And the outer shell appears to be made out of six thousand feet of pure Styrofoam, the strongest substance in the universe.”

 

“Stone and titanium we can deal with,” Mata Nui said. “But I am not so sure about Styrofoam.”

 

“Whichba means that we areba hospitalized,” said Gresh.

 

“No, we can’t be hospitalized!” said Mata Nui determinedly. “We’ve been in worse situations than this before, haven’t we? Don’t you guys remember how we escaped that pit of rapidly rising lava that contained acid-spitting crocodiles while ‘The Banana Splits’ played over and over again in the background?”

 

“I was nearly driven insane by that song,” said Ackar with a shudder. “But yeah, I remember how we hospitalized a bunch of crocodiles and then built a staircase out of them to escape.”

 

“But there’s no crocodiles for us to use to escape this time, are there?” asked Berix, looking around as though he expected some reptiles to appear. “Even I don’t think we’re getting out of this one alive, Mata Nui.”

 

Mata Nui wanted to shout and yell at them like a spoiled brat who didn’t get what he wanted, but he knew deep down just how right they were. There was no way to escape. No one knew they were here; the walls were made out of nigh impenetrable substances such as Styrofoam; they had no weapons; and they were going to miss their soaps, too. Life looked very grim and for a moment Mata Nui considered just giving up there and then, since he and his friends had absolutely no hope of survival. Who would rescue them in their time of need anyway?

 

It was then that the jail door suddenly flung open and a badly-wounded Skrall stumbled in, a key in his hand. The Skrall was the same one Mata Nui had seen the Tuma shoot earlier due to his disobedience, but he had no idea what this Skrall was doing here.

 

“Go!” the Skrall ordered, pointing toward the door. “Go quickly! You must stop the Tuma and save your girl before the execution begins!”

 

“Hold on there,” said Ackar, before the others could get to the door. He pointed at the Skrall suspiciously and asked, “Just why are you saving us anyway? Aren’t we the enemy?”

 

“I am no longer loyal to the Tuma,” said the Skrall, shaking his head. “After he shot me, I decided to rescue you four, for you are the only heroes who can stop him. You must defeat him, or else we are all doomed!”

 

“Well, I have no idea what the Tuma is planning, but sure, we’ll go kick his butt to Aqua Magna,” said Mata Nui. “But we’ll need weapons.”

 

The Skrall threw four pistols at them, which the four heroes caught in surprise. Mata Nui checked his; it was fully loaded and ready to be used.

 

“That was all I could get for you,” the Skrall said as the others examined their new toys. “I know it is not much, but-“

“This is more than enough,” said Ackar, looking back up at the Skrall. “Thanks, I guess. Let’s go, guys!”

 

Ackar, Gresh, and Berix ran right past the Skrall. Mata Nui followed, but stopped and turned to the Skrall, as if he’d just remembered something.

 

“You are a good person,” said Mata Nui. “That is why I will kill you last.”

 

So Mata Nui ran off after the others, leaving behind a Skrall who began to question his own wisdom of letting four psychos free. He decided he would regret it later. For now, he would get out of here as fast as he could. Heads were about to go flying and he didn’t want one of them to be his.

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 9: It’s A Trap!

 

Mata Nui ducked to avoid a volley of bullets from an incoming Skrall squad. He rolled over to the edge of the building and jumped off. He ripped a grenade from his bag and hurled it behind him. As soon as it landed on the roof, the grenade exploded, taking out several hundred Skrall warriors that had been crawling upon its surface or standing on its roof.

 

He spun in the air and landed on the ground with ease. Then he looked around and saw he was surrounded by yet more Skrall, all of who were aiming their weapons at him. He figured he could take them all on, considering how much damage he had done to the others already.

 

But just as he raised his 40kMGA to fire, he heard a deep, rumbling voice say, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Mata Nui.”

 

Mata Nui froze and glanced up at a nearby building. On the balcony of the building he saw a tall, fat-looking warrior with four guns sticking out of his back. The being wore green and black armor, armed with a large hand cannon and a shield, like he thought he was hot stuff or something. Although Mata Nui had never seen him before, he knew who that man was: The Tuma himself, the leader of this gang Mata Nui had been kicking around like rocks.

 

“So if isn’t the ‘mighty’ Tuma himself,” Mata Nui called. “I will personally kick your butt later, after I deal with your minions here.”

 

“Oh, will you?” asked the Tuma, smiling evilly. “I don’t think so, not if you value your friends’ lives.”

 

“What?” Mata Nui said. He kept his gun trained on the Skrall, just in case they tried anything funny. “What do you mean by that?”

 

The Tuma beckoned to someone in the shadows and soon three Skrall emerged from behind him. They were carrying three very familiar beings in their hands, two Glatorian and one Agori. Mata Nui couldn’t believe his eyes, but he saw his three best friends – Gresh, Ackar, and Berix – were chained and weaponless, captured by the Skrall whom they had been defeating so easily.

 

“What? How did you capture them?” Mata Nui asked, stunned, watching as his friends struggled against their Skrall captors. “They are the awesomest sidekicks I’ve ever had! There is no way you could have beat them!”

“Hey, I resent the sidekick thing!” Berix shouted, but the Tuma slapped him in the face to shut the Agori up.

 

“Your friends were arrogant,” said the Tuma as he turned back to Mata Nui. “They believed they were invincible, incapable of losing. And none of them realized there was a traitor right in their midst who had been planning to sell them all to me this entire time.”

 

“I knew it was Berix,” said Ackar immediately.

 

“Me tooba,” said Gresh, nodding in agreement.

 

“Yeah, I knew we couldn’t trust that Berix guy,” said Berix. “Too sane, in my opinion.”

 

“Uh, you do realize you are Berix, right?” asked Ackar.

 

“I am?” said Berix in shock. “Oh, no! I didn’t realize I was the traitor!”

 

“Berix, you are not the traitor,” Mata Nui sighed.

 

“I’m not?” said Berix as he wiped the sweat off of his brow. “Whew. Meh, I don’t care.”

 

“You are correct that your friend isn’t the one who sold you all out,” said the Tuma, as if ignoring what just happened. “But I will not reveal to you who the true traitor is because I’m evil that way. Now drop your gun, Mata Nui, and I might let your friends live.”

 

“Never!” Mata Nui shouted, raising his gun and aiming it at the Tuma’s chest from a distance. “I’m the main character. You’ll be hospitalized before you can even think of ordering your scum to hospitalize my friends!”

 

“Then what would you say if I hospitalized your girl instead?” said the Tuma. He turned toward another Skrall who had been idly standing by enjoying the weather and snapped, “Bring out the girl.”

 

The Skrall looked offended by this command and said, “Hey, bud, I’m just standing by idly enjoying the weather and-“

 

The Tuma raised a pistol and shot the Skrall in the chest, sending that Skrall falling off of the balcony and onto the ground below with a loud thunk. Then the Tuma turned toward the Skrall who had been standing next to the Skrall he had just shot and said, “Bring out the girl.”

 

“Yes, sir!” the Skrall said fearfully as he ran over to a nearby control panel.

 

He pressed a large red button and immediately a giant, metal cage erupted from the sand not too far from the fight, coming up so fast that it sent the corpses that had been covering it flying everywhere. Mata Nui looked upon the cage’s contents with horror, for he could see, lying unconscious on the cage floor, a bound and gagged Kiina. She looked okay despite obvious head injuries, but Mata Nui was furious.

 

“How dare you harm my girl!” Mata Nui roared as he turned back to the Tuma. “I’ll hospitalize you pain! You and your whole army!”

 

Mata Nui jumped onto the Skrall in front of him and used the warrior as a springboard. He jumped through the air, raising his gun and aiming it directly at the Tuma’s head. One shot would wipe the smirk off the Tuma’s face instantly.

 

“Hospitalize them,” the Tuma said carelessly to his minions. “And the girl, too, now that she isn’t useful anymore.”

 

Mata Nui stopped in midair, watching in horror as the Skrall aimed guns at his friends’ heads. Ackar looked resigned to his fate, Gresh was panicking and struggling to break free, and Berix was looking down the barrel of the gun aimed in his face like he was trying to see what was inside it.

 

“You wouldn’t,” said Mata Nui, just floating there in midair without any support.

 

“I would,” said the Tuma, smiling. “Even if you do manage to hospitalize me, Mata Nui, my army shall devour you like a dog devouring a ham. You and your friends will be hospitalized and this will be the most depressing comedy ever.”

 

Mata Nui gritted his teeth. He was in absolutely no position to win. The Tuma was right; hospitalize the Tuma and the Skrall would just hospitalize him and his friends. But he also knew that if he gave up, the Tuma would probably hospitalize him anyway. It was a lose-lose situation no matter how you look at it and Mata Nui could only feel despair as he realized he had only one half reasonable choice.

 

“Fine,” said Mata Nui as he floated to the ground in front of the Tuma. “I give up. You win.”

 

Mata Nui held out his 40kMGA, which the Tuma reached out for. But it immediately transformed back into Click, who scurried off of Mata Nui’s hand and landed on the ground painfully before getting back up on its spindly legs and scurrying off somewhere. Mata Nui was surprised by this, because he had forgotten that his gun could transform into a bug.

 

“Take him and his friends away,” the Tuma ordered his Skrall. “Throw them in the prisons. If they don’t have ten billion and a half dollars on them, then we shall hospitalize the girl at sunset!”

 

“Yay!” all of the Skrall bellowed in unison, their voices so loud that the foundations of the building actually cracked.

 

A Skrall came up behind Mata Nui and locked hard metal handcuffs around our hero’s hands. Mata Nui offered no resistance as he and his friends were lead underneath the building to the jail cells, where they would be kept until the Tuma decided to finish them off.

 

This looks like it is going to be one depressing comedy, Mata Nui thought as the jail cell door was shut in his face. Very depressing indeed.

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 8: The Assault

 

With no more unnecessary interruptions, Mata Nui and the gang soon came within sight of the Skrall camp (or city? I don’t know), Roxtus. They stopped behind a large group of rocks, where they hid their mounts. Mata Nui peered around the corner to get a better look at the Skrall’s main base.

 

It was essentially a gigantic head of some kind of robot, or perhaps it was simply shaped like that. He could spot millions – or perhaps billions – of Skrall and even bone hunters milling around the place. It looked like it was heavily defended; there was no way anyone could sneak into the city with security like that, not unless they wanted to die a painful death. Mata Nui wanted to live for at least a few more years, so he decided the best route into the city was the direct route.

 

“Guys, this may be our last stand,” said Mata Nui, turning around to look at his amigos. “We’ve been through a lot together over the years, but today may be our finest hour.”

He looked at Ackar and said, “Ackar, you were my best friend and mentor. If we die, I can at least die knowing your training has never helped me in the slightest.”

 

“And if I die I can say you were the worst pupil I’ve ever had ever,” Ackar returned.

 

Mata Nui glanced at Gresh and said, “Gresh, although I am never sure of even half of what you say anymore, I can still call you a friend who stuck with me through thick and thin.”

 

“Thank yuba, Mata Nui,” said Gresh with a tear in his eye. “You beba my besba friend, tooba.”

 

“And Berix,” said Mata Nui as he turned to the Agori, who was building a sand castle out of sheer boredom. “Although never the sanest, I believe you are just as brave and awesome as the rest of us.”

 

“Of course I am,” said Berix without looking at him. “I am going to be the fan favorite character, duh.”

 

“Most likely,” said Mata Nui with a shrug. “Anyway, get your weapons ready. We are going in.”

 

-

 

The attack on Roxtus began immediately. Charging out from behind the rocks on their sand stalkers (plot holes are fun, kids), the warriors yelled loudly to announce their presence, swinging their swords, shooting their guns, and in general looking pretty scary for a bunch of guys in brightly colored armor.

 

The first wave of Skrall they ran into fell like trees, since they had not expected Mata Nui and the others to attack with such force.

 

The second and third waves, however, came prepared and soon the four warriors had themselves surrounded and outnumbered a billion to one. The Skrall were all clad in identical black and red armor, swinging swords or loading guns as they pressed in on our heroes.

 

“Take this!” Berix shouted, shooting down a Skrall with his double barrel guns. “How’s that taste? Like sugar?”

 

“Actually,” said the Skrall whom Berix had shot, sitting up, pulling the bullet out of his wound, and licking it, “it tastes like chocolate.”

 

“Really?” said Berix, disappointed. “I was sure it would taste like sugar. That’s why I dumped all of my bullets and bullet shells into a bag of sugar before we got here after all.”

 

“Well, you should try harder next time,” the Skrall responded harshly. “If you want your opponent to taste sugar, then you should-“

 

A shot to the forehead cut the Skrall off abruptly, allowing a now-angry Berix to get back to the fight. He decided that, sugar tasting or no, he’d shoot as many bullets as he possibly could. But he did make a mental note to get more sugar next time they were passing through a village.

 

-

 

Mata Nui had been cut off from the rest of the group by about a dozen or so Skrall. They looked mean, tough, and ugly, like all good action movie villains. However, Mata Nui knew looks meant little in combat. All that mattered was whether you were awesome or not and Mata Nui was indeed awesome.

 

He ran up the side of a building and jumped off. As he flew through the air, he pulled out his 40kMGA rifle and shot off several volleys at the Skrall. Many of them fell, hospitalized, but a few survived and began firing their guns at him as soon as he landed.

 

Mata Nui whirled around and hit the bullets back like they were baseballs. The enemy projectiles shot straight back into their original guns, causing the weapons to blow up in the faces of the Skrall and send the Skrall flying away. Mata Nui spun his gun around and shot the remaining Skrall out of the air as they flew.

 

Then even more Skrall appeared, unsheathing swords and loading and reloading guns as they fired. Mata Nui jumped behind a wall to hide from the attacks, but as he heard the metal bullets pierce his barrier he knew his chances of survival were minimal at best. There was probably over a thousand Skrall attacking him right now, but he pushed away such depressing thoughts. Only action ever proved anything and he knew today he would prove his awesomeness by kicking the Tuma’s butt.

 

A bullet flew by overhead, which Mata Nui caught in his hands and then loaded into his 40kMGA. He then jumped into the air, aimed, and fired the enemy bullet straight at the crowd of Skrall that had been attacking him. The bullet exploded, totally annihilating the Skrall gang members. The explosion was so large that Mata Nui actually rode on it up onto the roof of the tallest building.

 

Landing softly on the roof, he looked up and saw even more Skrall coming toward him. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw tons of Skrall scaling the structure, all trying to get him.

 

“Don’t these losers ever give up?” Mata Nui wondered as he reloaded his 40kMGA.

 

-

 

Leaping over a gigantic army of Skrall, Ackar landed feet first and spun around in time to catch a hundred blades on his sole sword. He pushed back and sent those swords flying into the air. Then he leapt up and grabbed all one hundred of them. Somehow he now held a hundred blades in his hands and mouth, despite that technically being impossible.

 

Yelling as much as he could with a mouthful of metal, he charged forward, slashing and slicing through thousands of warriors. He then decided one hundred swords wasn’t much of a challenge and hurled them all away. The blades struck an oncoming group of Skrall, hospitalizing many and wounding several more.

 

“Eat sand!” Ackar shouted as he brought his sword to the ground, which sent up a huge wave of sand that covered the front row of Skrall immediately.

 

“Now let’s see how you like glass!” Ackar roared as he unleashed a gigantic wave of heat and flame at the sandy Skrall, immediately transforming them into one solid barrier of thick glass. “Heh, makes glass!”

 

His victory was short lived, however, for the next moment the remaining Skrall smashed their way through the glass barrier, sending huge shards of glass flying at Ackar. Ackar ducked to avoid the shards and then rolled away to avoid the oncoming Skrall, which rushed past him at such fast speeds that they resembled a blur of motion more than an army.

 

“Think you’re hot stuff, Skrall?” Ackar asked as the Skrall army turned around to face him. “I’ll show you who’s hot!”

 

He unleashed a blast of flames at the Skrall, instantly incinerating a large amount of them. Then he charged through the flames, his own armor catching on fire, and attacked the remaining confused and frightened Skrall. He cut through their ranks like they were made of paper (because they were) until the last warrior went down.

 

Ackar, breathing hard, stopped and sat down on a pile of hospitalized Skrall to take a break.

 

“Whew, that had been tough,” said Ackar, wiping sweat from his brow. “Now I wonder-“

 

A large metal hammer flew out of nowhere and collided with the back of Ackar’s head, sending the old coot falling forward, unconscious. A being cloaked in shadows appeared and began dragging Ackar away, grinning evilly as he did so.

 

-

 

Gresh knew when he was outnumbered. By his estimate, he was taking on at least three million Skrall, all by himself, with no backup to be expected from the others. He had seen Mata Nui cornered on a building by a bunch of Skrall, Ackar fighting another army with flames, and Berix toppling whole towers by himself.

 

I canba doba this, Gresh thought as he separated his shield and dodged the combined attacks of six hundred Skrall. No neeba to worryba.

 

He narrowly avoided an attack from a particularly beefy Skrall warrior and silenced the poor Skrall with his devastating reflexes. He turned around in time to see a Skrall’s blade coming toward his face.

 

Moving with lighting fast speed, Gresh jumped up, timing it just right. As the blade went underneath him, he landed on it. Because the Skrall was so surprised, he spun right around and sent Gresh flying straight into the heart of the army.

 

If thisba was theba heart ofba the armyba, Gresh thought, then Iba am theba heart attackba of theba army.

 

He landed on a dozen Skrall and, pulling out his machine gun which he never used or mentioned until now, began literally mowing down Skrall one after the other as they approached. He spun around in a circle, his machine gun shooting again and again until it ran out of ammunition. Then he threw it into a nearby group of Skrall, causing it to explode and send them all flying.

 

Then Gresh activated his awesomeness movement. Each time he slew one Skrall warrior, he was actually felling a dozen. Unprepared for this sudden assault, his enemies either fell with rapid speed or ran, but he showed no mercy to those who couldn’t escape his devilish speed. In fact, had he not noticed there were no more Skrall left he would likely have killed himself due to his extreme speed.

 

As it was, he forced himself to go back to his normal speed. He then noticed one Skrall attempting to flee in the distance, which Gresh knew he couldn’t allow.

 

So he bent over, picked up a rock, pulled what looked like a pin from it, and then threw the rock at the Skrall. The rock went flying, high and higher, until it fell and collided with the escaping Skrall’s head. Because this was a grenade stone, it exploded the minute it came into contact with the Skrall, sending the enemy bursting into fiery flames as he hit the ground.

 

“Thereba,” said Gresh, folding his arms. “I beba the winnerba.”

 

Just then, a heavy club made out of thick steel crashed into the back of his head. Gresh, caught off-guard, was knocked out instantly and crashed onto the battlefield as a mysterious figure wielding the club approached. Tossing the club aside, the figure dragged Gresh’s unconscious body away, chuckling as he did so.

 

-

 

Berix stood amongst the rubble of several Skrall towers which he had knocked over. Hospitalized or wounded Skrall lay around him in every direction, covered in plaster, rock, and metal, but millions more Skrall just kept coming. Berix was so small that all he needed was his trusty dusty knife he called ‘Hospitalizationbringer,’ running along and bringing hospitalization to anyone who got near him (yes, we’re still going with the hospitalized shtick. Remember, kids’ comedy).

 

Of course, his double barrel guns were also quite useful. He could take out four Skrall with one shot from each gun, which he calculated meant he could hospitalize at least 16 Skrall every second. Berix wasn’t too good with math, but he figured that was a pretty good estimate.

 

Berix then noticed a gigantic army of new Skrall appeared around him. Then a thought occurred to him.

 

“Hey! Who wants pie?” Berix shouted as he lifted up a cream pie he had pulled out of that hand dandy plot hole that followed him everywhere.

 

“We do! We do!” all of the Skrall shouted in unison, their voices so loud that they probably caused Cthulu to stir in his sleep. “Give us pie! We want pie!”

 

“Then come get some!” Berix shouted as he hurled the pie over the army of Skrall.

 

Just as the pie was flying exactly over the assembled army of Skrall, Berix pulled out his guns, aimed, and fired off several rounds of ammo at the flying pastry. As soon as his bullets collided with the pie, it exploded raining down pie filling and icing that was actually a special type of acid that ate through metal.

 

The Skrall, totally unprepared for this, began running around and screaming in panic as the acid ate through their armor. This gave Berix the opportunity he needed to dash into the crowd, switching between his double barrel guns and Hospitalizationbringer to finish the job. He leapt onto one Skrall and yelled, “Giddy up, doggy! We’re ‘a’ goin’ Skrall huntin!’

 

The Skrall yelped as Berix dug his spurs into the warrior’s side, causing the Skrall to run straight through the crowd. Berix fired as many shots as he could at as many Skrall as he could find as he rode. He was now in ‘hospitalize everything’ mode; if it moved, it was good as hospitalized and Berix could care less if it was friend or foe or neither.

 

Then, noticing a wall coming up, Berix leapt off of the frightened Skrall, which crashed into the wall with such force that he broke through and kept on going. The Skrall eventually crashed into another tower, which toppled over onto a group of reinforcements that had been about to meet up with and join the main army.

 

By the time Berix had run out of ammo, practically all of the Skrall were gone. He stood alone in an area that looked like someone had dropped a bomb on it. That would be true if you define the word ‘bomb’ as ‘crazy little blue Agori who can’t control his energy.’

 

“Come on, suckers!” Berix roared as he waved his guns in the air. “Bring it on! I am Double Barrel Berix and I’m waiting to-“

 

A greasy hand seized his shoulder and, before he knew it, the hand performed a Vulcan nerve pinch on the Agori, causing him to fall unconscious. The mysterious figure grabbed Berix before he could hit the ground and began hauling the crazed Agori away, feeling very satisfied with himself.

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 7: More Unnecessary Interruptions

 

According to the map, Roxtus was east of Tesara. Knowing it would probably be filled with action-packed interruptions, Mata Nui and the others bought a few days’ worth of supplies before heading out.

 

Not that any of it was necessary. As soon as they took one step outside the boundaries of the village, the sand erupted in front of them and a huge snake demon thingy rose from the depths of some place I can’t mention due to this being a children’s comedy. The snake monster was tan in color – like all desert creatures are, although that does not explain why sand stalkers are red – and had hundreds of gigantic spikes running up and down its back. It could easily have swallowed Tesara whole, but for some reason or another it looked like it wanted to eat four scrawny little people instead.

 

Ackar shook his head. “Pfft, I’ve faced worse creatures than this.”

 

“You haba?” asked Gresh.

 

“No,” said Ackar, shaking his head.

 

“Let me take care of it,” said Mata Nui as he loaded his 40kMGA. “We’ve wasted enough time as it is. I do not want any more unnecessary interruptions.”

 

“But isn’t that what this chapter is called?” asked Berix, pointing at the chapter title, which hung suspended above them, seemingly without any help.

 

Mata Nui glanced up at the title and said, “Whatever. The point is, I’ve had enough of these interruptions and will take down every single monster that gets between us and Roxtus without mercy.”

 

Upon hearing that, the demon snake thingy looked frightened. Then, without warning, it dove back into the sand, evidently afraid of the little yellow warrior with the big gun.

 

“Huh, that was weird,” said Ackar as they continued their journey east.

 

“Must not be a particularly brave demonic snake,” said Mata Nui thoughtfully as he sheathed his gun. “Anyway, since this is a badly written story let’s not wonder about that anymore. Instead, let us continue up and onward, to victory!”

 

-

 

According to the map, they were about halfway between Tesara and Roxtus when a sudden chill swept through the valley. Mata Nui stopped, and so did the others. All of them could sense something was nearby, but what it was, none of them could tell. Only Berix didn’t appear nervous, but Mata Nui knew him well enough to know that Berix showed his nerves by not showing his nerves or some crud like that.

 

“There’s something nearby,” Mata Nui informed the others.

 

“We already know that,” said Ackar irritably.

 

“I just- Never mind,” said Mata Nui as his eyes scanned the hills around them. “I am not sure what it is.”

 

“Maybe the Skrall are trying to do us in,” said Berix, looking around with bug-eyes. “Maybe they have a weather machine that can control the wind.”

 

“But Iba thought theba midgets controlledba the windba,” said Gresh. “Right?”

 

“Whatever it is, I am sure we can take it,” said Mata Nui as he pulled out his rifle. He looked toward the hills and shouted, “Bring it on, whatever you are!”

 

There was still no answer. The wind blew a little bit rougher, like it was trying to scare them off or something.

 

Mata Nui wasn’t afraid of any stupid old wind, though. The others weren’t, either, but they had their weapons out just in case.

 

“This isba getting boringba,” said Gresh. “Iba see nothinba.”

 

It was at that moment that the clouds above them swirled into a tornado, which touched the ground. The wind was so fierce now that Mata Nui and his crew were nearly blown off their mounts, but they held their ground and stared defiantly into the storm, as though daring it to take them on.

 

Then the tornado suddenly began changing shape. A torso and two arms and legs appeared, as well as a head that was shaped like a LEGO brick. Finally, the tornado finished its transformation and where it had once stood now stood (unnecessary repetiton is fun, kids) a being who appeared to be made out of the raging tornado, his arms and legs swirling like cyclones. He did not appear to have a face.

 

“Who are you?” Mata Nui demanded. “Where did you come from?”

 

“I am Tornadias ^TM!” the faceless being roared. “And I will destroy you with my bare hands!”

 

Tornadias formed a spear-like tornado in his hands and hurled it at the four warriors. It was coming so fast that Mata Nui knew it would be impossible to dodge. So instead, he raised his hands and actually grabbed the tornado with his hands, but the force of the attack was so great that his friends and their mounts were sent flying away from him.

 

Then he redirected the attack back at Tornadias. It was a direct hit, but Tornadias took the blast head on and actually absorbed it. If anything, the redirected attack seemed to actually make Tornadias stronger, for he laughed heartily like he had just read this comedy.

 

“Ha, you think my own tornadoes can hurt me?” Tornadias said with a stupid smile on his face. “Of course they can’t! I am the invincible storm, the deity of the clouds, the creator of destruction! You cannot harm me! I am the personification of the weather itself! All who dare challenge me experience a 90% chance of rain all week with foggy weather and humid temperatures! TORNADIAS!”

 

“You monster!” Mata Nui gasped. “So you are the one who causes humidity!”

 

“Precisely, my stupid friend,” said Tornadias with an evil laugh. “No one can stand against my storms! And anyone who tries, dies!”

 

“Then allow me to die,” said Mata Nui as he ran toward Tornadias with blinding speed.

 

He reared back as he sprinted and threw a punch at the personification of the storm. But his attack didn’t work; the punch went right through Tornadias, who laughed again and punched Mata Nui in the face, sending the main character flying away. Mata Nui landed hard on a sand dune, but was back on his feet instantly.

 

“You fool, physical objects can’t hurt me,” said Tornadias, folding his arms like he was better than Mata Nui. “Fists, swords, feet, even bullets . . . none of these are capable of even touching me. You and your friends shall die at my stormy hands! Muhahaha!”

 

If I can’t touch him, then how am I going to beat him? Mata Nui thought. Does that mean my 40kMGA is useless against him?

 

“No matter what you do, I shall be victorious!” Tornadias yelled as he raised his hands to the heavens. “And now, I shall smite you with divine lightning from above! Die like the rat you are!”

 

The heavens above opened up and Mata Nui could see Zeus, the Greek god of the sky, rising from his throne on Mount Olympus with a thunderbolt in his hand. Zeus hurled the bolt at Mata Nui, which meant Mata Nui was pretty much toast.

 

But I can’t die, Mata Nui thought as he watched the thunderbolt come ever closer. I am the main character! Because of this rule that not even Zeus himself can break, I must somehow survive!

 

He reached for his 40kMGA and aimed it toward the sky. Luckily for him, he had positioned it in just the right way that the lightning bolt went directly into the gun’s barrel. Mata Nui soon remembered his gun’s special ability and knew this fight had just come to an end.

“Eat electricity, Tornadias!” Mata Nui yelled as he stood up and fired his 40kMGA at the tornado entity.

 

Normally, Mata Nui’s gun would have shot a bullet that wouldn’t have done a thing to Tornadias. However, this gun now held within it Zeus’ lightning bolt itself, 1000 times its original strength. Mata Nui had read Percy Jackson and the Olympians, so he knew the bolt was already many times stronger than an atomic bomb. At its current strength, Mata Nui knew there was no way Tornadias could survive.

 

The lightning bolt struck Tornadias directly in the chest. Tornadias’ eyes widened as the electricity coursed through his non-existent skeleton. It hit him so hard that, as he went flying into the sky, he exploded into thousands of different colors. The explosion kept going until it collided with the sky and created a new constellation which shone even though it was the middle of the day.

 

“Oh, crud,” said Zeus, looking at the new constellation like everything had just gone wrong. “I should probably get out of here now. I, um, have a doctor’s appointment with the god of doctors! Yes, that’s it. Good bye!”

 

The heavens closed and everything was back to normal. Mata Nui sat up and brushed sand off his armor. Blowing up a tornado entity was a lot harder than he’d thought but he managed to do it anyway because he was THAT awesome.

 

At that moment Ackar, Gresh, and Berix appeared out of nowhere, prompting Mata Nui to ask, “Where were you three?”

 

“Nowhere in particular,” said Ackar with a shrug. “Just reading the script for the next comedy, since you had the situation under control.”

 

“Oooh, what’s the next comedy about?” asked Mata Nui as the party of four began their journey east yet again.

 

“It’s got shape-shifting entities, lords of elements, some guy named Bucket Head and biomechanical dinosaurs!” said Berix excitedly. “Oh, I wish this was the second comedy already!”

 

“Patience,” said Mata Nui wisely. “We still have the rest of this movie to go through first. You can worry about the sequel when it gets here.”

 

“Aw okay,” said Berix, somewhat disappointed. “Then again, according to the script, I’m not even in the next movie!”

 

“I’ll broker a deal with the producers to get you a part,” said Ackar. “Perhaps you can get killed off-screen and never be mentioned again. Those kinds of characters always get the readers angry!”

 

“Cool,” said Berix, who probably did not fully understand what Ackar had just said. “Let’s go!”

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 6: The Plot Finally Advances

 

The jungle village of Tesara loomed ahead in the distance. As the party of four drew closer, Mata Nui could see that Tesara looked to be little more than a jungle. Two huge, dead trees rose out of the ground opposite each other, while vines, smaller trees, and various floras grew in between them. Mata Nui saw no sign of any Agori, but unlike Tajun the village didn’t look ruined. In fact, as they entered the village, Mata Nui could hear the sounds of people cheering somewhere.

 

“Sounds like something exciting is happening,” said Mata Nui to the others as they walked through the jungle oasis.

 

“Not if I can help it,” said Ackar grimly.

 

“Dude, just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean you have force other people not to like it,” said Berix. “That’s just wrong, dude.”

 

“Aw, shut up,” said Ackar. “Or I’ll skewer you with my sword and throw your body to the dogs.”

 

“But I like playing with dogs,” Berix pointed out. “So your little threat doesn’t affect me, ha!”

 

“That’s not what I- Never mind,” Ackar sighed, knowing this argument would get them nowhere faster than following a rock. “Anyway, let’s find this Metus friend of yours, Berix. Did he say where he was in Tesara?”

 

“Uh, let me ask,” said Berix as he pulled his iPhone out of the handy dandy plot hole and texted his friend again. “Okay, he says he’s in the local fight club, sponsoring a fight between two old guys. Says he’s raking in the dough. Huh,” Berix add as he tossed his iPhone back into the plot hole, “I didn’t know you could rake in dough. I have to try that sometime.”

 

“I’ll make sure Kiina tries that, too, once we rescue her,” said Mata Nui. “So where is this fight club anyway?”

 

“We passed it an hour ago,” Berix said casually as he pointed over his shoulder.

 

“Why did you wait until now to tell us that?” asked Ackar as they stopped their beasts, turned around, and retraced their path.

 

“’Cause I didn’t know Metus was in the fight club,” Berix said. “Duh.”

 

-

 

Later, the four warriors finally located the fight club. It was a semi-large, rundown-looking building with shuttered windows and a locked front door. Clearly, whoever operated this place knew it was illegal and tried to make sure it looked as inconspicuous as possible.

 

After tying up their mounts outside, Mata Nui and the gang walked up to the door. Mata Nui knocked on it and a portion of the door slid open, revealing a pair of cross eyes that appeared to constantly change color.

 

“What’s the password?” asked the crazy eyes.

 

“Password?” Mata Nui repeated, looking at his friends quizzically.

 

“You need a password if you want to get in,” the eyes explained.

 

“Um, well, see, the thing is . . .” said Mata Nui as he reached for his gun.

 

“The password is ‘[censored because we can’t tell you the password],’” said Berix immediately.

 

“You are correct, my good sir,” said the eyes. “You may enter.”

 

As the door flung open, Ackar asked Berix, “You’ve been here before?”

 

“Yeah,” said Berix, nodding as they entered. “I fought here a couple of times myself. Remember those days where I’d come back with a concussion and try to pick a fight with an inanimate object? That was usually because I’d gotten beaten here.”

 

“I figured you were just crazy,” said Ackar.

 

“You mean I’m not?” asked Berix, sounding very disappointed.

 

Once all four had entered, the door shut closed behind them and they could hear what sounded like a million different locks locking themselves. Mata Nui figured this place must be illegal to some extent if a million locks were needed, but didn’t ponder it for long, for soon they came upon a large room where dozens of Agori were gathered, watching two old guys fight in a boxing arena.

 

One of the old men wore blue armor and appeared to have a breathing tube running into his mouth. The other wore green armor and had a breathing tube running up his scythe, which didn’t make much sense to Mata Nui but again he ignored it. They appeared to be caught in mortal combat, punching, kicking, body-slamming, performing moves that would have made a ninja jealous, and in general being awesome.

 

“Ah, Berix!” said a greasy, sneaky-sounding voice to the right. “So glad you could make it!”

 

An Agori clad in white armor walked up to them, with a sneaky grin on his face. The way he walked and acted reminded Mata Nui of a snake, and Mata Nui was scared of snakes.

 

“David Leisure?” Gresh gasped as the Agori reached them.

 

“No, but it’s an understandable mistake to make,” said the Agori. “I am Metus, Berix’s friend. He sent me a text saying that you guys want information from me.”

 

“Yeah, we kind of do,” said Mata Nui as he turned away from the fight, which was just starting to get interesting, as the old blue guy had been handed a metal chair from someone in the crowd and began beating the guy in green armor with it. “Berix says you know everything.”

 

“Indeedy do I dody,” Metus responded.

 

It’s official: I hate him, Mata Nui thought.

 

“So what kind of information do you want?” asked Metus. “Do you want to know where babies come from? How people fit inside televisions? Why men and even some women eventually get male pattern baldness? Or why cameras steal your souls?”

 

“All of that sounds very interesting, but none of it is what I want,” said Mata Nui, ducking to avoid a bloody-looking dagger that someone had thrown from the crowd. “You see, my girl has been kidnapped by the Skrall and I am going to rescue her.“

 

“The Skrall?” Metus gasped, taking a step back in horror. “You can’t be serious?”

 

“Of course I am,” Mata Nui replied. “Why else would have I traveled all the way to the middle of nowhere if I wasn’t?”

 

“Well, you could have come to watch the fight,” said Metus feebly as he gestured toward the old guy fight.

 

“Someday, I might watch,” said Mata Nui, “but for now, I want to know where the Skrall’s main base, Roxtus, is, and how we could infiltrate it.”

 

Metus straightened up, looked around as though afraid someone might be eavesdropping, and whispered, “Well, okay, then. I suppose I can help with that, if that is all you need to know.”

 

He pulled a map out of his pocket and handed it to Mata Nui, who unfurled it and began studying it as the other three peered over his shoulder to have a look at it.

 

“That map should tell you where Roxtus is,” said Metus.

 

“It is at the end of a rainbow,” Mata Nui observed. “Very interesting.”

 

“Yes,” said Metus, nodding. “Did you know that rainbows were created by the midgets who push the sun up and down each day?”

 

“Really?” Mata Nui said, impressed. “How interesting.”

 

“Yeah,” said Metus in agreement. “Oh and here’s a blueprint of the Skrall’s main hideout,” he added as he gave Mata Nui another scroll. “It should tell you where the best possible entrances are.”

 

“Thank you very much for this, Metus,” said Mata Nui as he pocketed both the map and blueprint. “I will forever remember you for your kindness . . . maybe.”

 

“No problem,” said Metus, waving it off like it was nothing. “Any friend of Berix is a possible business rival of mine.”

 

“See you later,” said Mata Nui. He gestured to the others and said, “Come on, guys. The time to save Kiina has arrived at last.”

 

-TNTOS-

This is a rather strange move on LEGO's part. It could work, although I admit I am rather skeptical about it.

 

We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose.

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 5: Beware my Stinger Tail!

 

The four fighters kept their steady progress north. All of them were aware that they were passing through Vorox territory, but they were confident that they could handle whatever the desert had to throw at them.

 

That is until the desert actually threw a rock at them, which Mata Nui blew into smithereens with his 40kMGA rifle with ease. The desert, sensing it could not win, ran away, although somehow the desert itself still existed. Perhaps it was actually the personification of the desert that had run away, or maybe you should just shut up and stop taking this comedy seriously.

 

Anyway, the party continued on, merrily singing “Believe it or Not” off-key when suddenly, a hundred million Vorox popped out of the sands around them, completely surrounding the four seemingly-outnumbered warriors.

 

The Vorox looked ferocious. All of them wore the same sand-colored armor, caked with sand in every conceivable spot, with sand dripping from their teeth like water (how that makes sense . . . it doesn’t). They carried sawed off shotguns and rusted blades, their stinger tails – which you should beware, by the way – darting through the air like hyperactive wasps.

 

“Vorox,” said Ackar, stating the obvious as he drew his sword.

 

“Millions of them, by the looks of it,” said Mata Nui as he loaded his 40kMGA. “Doesn’t make sense why so many would be here at exactly the same time, though, unless . . .”

 

Without warning a huge, red-armored ogre with claws that appeared to be made of flames fell from the sky and landed in the sand so hard that he conjured a sand storm, which Mata Nui easily blew away with his 40kMGA rifle. The ogre looked absolutely mad, his oranges eyes bulging and glowing like the headlights of a car.

 

“Dah! It beba an ogreba!” Gresh said in shock.

 

“I don’t be nee an ogre,” the ogre responded as he brushed sand off of his armor, which seemed kind of unnecessary since he was completely covered in sand from head to foot. “I be nee Malum, exiled for nee crimes in nee army.”

 

“I remember you,” said Ackar, glaring at the red ogre. “You kept calling me an old fart.”

 

“That tis be nee, Ackar?” asked Malum in surprise. “I be nee not seeing you for years. Me nee think you haven’t changed much since then, old fart.”

 

Ackar raised his sword, but Mata Nui gestured for him to stop and said to Malum, “Are you in charge of all of these Vorox?”

 

“I tis be nee in charge of these Vorox,” said Malum proudly, folding his massive ogre arms across his chest. “I tis nee hospitalized their alpha male and took over their pack. Now I tis be nee king of them all, nee.”

 

“Then I suppose you wouldn’t be nice enough to let us pass?” asked Mata Nui innocently.

 

“No,” said Malum, shaking his head so furiously it almost literally popped off. “I tis be nee going to hospitalize nee now ‘cause I’m mean that way.”

 

He glanced over his shoulder at his Vorox and snapped, “Go! Hospitalize ye nee them all!”

 

An army of Vorox descended upon the four warriors without hesitation. For a moment, Malum watched with satisfaction as his enemies disappeared under a mountain of Vorox and he believed victory was his, now and forevermore.

 

Just as he was about to turn around and figure out how to make an even more dramatic entrance, there was a huge explosion like that of a nuclear bomb going off that sent him flying face first into the sand. All he could hear were the cries of his Vorox as they flew, screaming in pain as the explosion ripped through the desert.

 

When the explosion finally stopped, Malum got up, coughed out a boatload of sand (not an exaggeration), and looked behind him. His heart failed as he saw Mata Nui, Ackar, Gresh, and Berix standing among a pile of Vorox corpses, their weapons drawn and ready.

 

“What . . . how did you . . .” Malum sputtered incomprehensibly. “No one has ever beaten my Vorox before . . .”

 

“Our sheer awesomeness defeated your Vorox, Malum,” said Mata Nui as he cocked his gun while the others did the same (Ackar cocked his sword. Yes, he is that hardcore). “Numbers mean nothing when dealing with the main characters of an action movie, except to prove just how awesome they really are.”

 

“Then allow me to finish you myself!” Malum roared as he burrowed underneath the sand. Then he was gone, nowhere to be seen.

 

“Can’t fool me,” said Mata Nui as he aimed his 40kMGA rifle at the sand. “Just got to wait for the right moment and . . .”

 

Malum burst out of the sand in front of Mata Nui, his red armor nearly obscured by the sand covering it. He pulled back his claws, ready to deal the finishing blow, when Mata Nui and Berix aimed their guns at the ogre. In one swift, harmonious motion, the two shot their guns straight into Malum’s chest.

 

The bullets collided with Malum’s chest so hard that the red ogre was sent flying all the way to Aqua Magna. He hit the planet so hard that he accidentally knocked it out of orbit, sending both moon and Malum falling into the endless reaches of space, never to be seen again.

 

“That was easy,” said Ackar.

 

“Iba didn’tba doba anything,” said Gresh, disappointed, as they rode out of the Vorox valley.

 

“Eh, that’s all right, Gresh,” said Mata Nui, patting his friend on the back reassuringly. “I am sure that someday you will do something as awesome as the rest of us.”

 

“Reallyba?” asked Gresh.

 

“No,” said Mata Nui frankly.

 

So the four warriors again continued their journey, with a very depressed Gresh wondering whether he would ever do something truly awesome.

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 4: Ackar versus Strakk

 

It was Berix who first noticed something wrong when Tajun came into their view.

 

No, it wasn’t the fact that all of the buildings appeared to be either on fire or knocked over. Nor that there appeared not to be a single living thing crawling among the ruins of the once proud village of water. He didn’t even take note of the terrible stench of death and decay and burnt metal in the air.

 

“Oh, no!” Berix cried out as the four riders stopped their mounts and gazed at the ruined village. “I forgot to take my iPhone before we left!”

 

“Whaba?” asked Gresh, looking genuinely surprised at Berix. “Thabba beba serious business!”

 

“Oh, and Tajun looks totally trashed,” said Berix as an afterthought.

 

“What?” Ackar said as he looked at Tajun. Then his eyes widened. “Oh no! My favorite taco place was destroyed! I’ll kill the filthy little mustards that did this!”

 

“That was my favorite taco place, too,” said Mata Nui, deadly serious. He reloaded his 40kMGA rifle. “Let’s go into the village and teach whoever did this a lesson. And if we can’t find the person responsible for this mess, then let’s blame it on Gresh.”

 

“Yeah,” said Ackar, nodding.

 

“Uh huh,” said Berix in agreement.

 

“Yaba – waiba a minute,” said Gresh as the other three quickly rode into the village. “How’s abouba we blamba somebody elseba?”

 

It did not take long for the four to reach the gates of the town – or lack of gates, thereof, which had apparently been knocked down by whoever had done this. Ackar looked sadly at the ruins of his favorite taco place and quietly vowed to punish the devils that had destroyed it.

 

After a few minutes of riding, Mata Nui stopped and signaled for the others to do the same. He had heard the sound of metal scraping against metal somewhere nearby, but he couldn’t see the source of it. He wondered if it was more bone hunters or perhaps even Metus, whom he had forgotten about until now due to his rage against the monsters that had crushed his and Ackar’s favorite taco restaurant.

 

“Why’d we stop, Mata Nui?” asked Berix, his crazy eyes darting in opposite directions. “Did you hear something?”

 

“I think so,” said Mata Nui, “and it definitely wasn’t Hanna Montana, Justin Bieber, or any other bad teen singing sensation.”

 

“Perhaps it is Metus,” Ackar offered, although Mata Nui noticed the war hero had one hand on the hilt of his sword just in case. “Berix said he was here, right? So maybe, if we just sing ‘Happy Birthday’ really, really loudly, he’ll come out and talk with us.”

 

“Worth a shot,” said Mata Nui with a shrug. “All together now: Happy birthday to-”

 

A gigantic boulder the size of the Matoran universe went flying out of nowhere at them. Ackar, who’d come to expect this kind of thing, leapt off of his mount and, with one swing of his sword, split the boulder into so many small pieces that his friends were only covered in a thin layer of sand.

 

“Woahba,” said Gresh as Ackar landed on the ground. “Whereba did thaba come fromba?”

 

“Over there,” Ackar answered, pointing with his sword at a relatively small-looking hut. Addressing the hut, he ordered, “Come out or I will give you the worst birthday present of your life.”

 

A tall, white being in armor shaped like ice leapt out from behind the hut, an impractically huge axe on his shoulder. He had cold blue eyes like the ocean – except Ackar had never seen the ocean before, so he had no way of knowing that.

 

But he did recognize the being, whom he addressed coldly, “Strakk.”

 

“Long time no see, Ackar,” said Strakk in a voice dominated by a fake-sounding Russian accent. “It has been many years since we last fought, but today I will be the victor and you shall be the loser!”

 

“Wait, who is this?” Mata Nui asked. “And why does he wear such impractical-looking armor?”

 

“He’s an old enemy of mine, Strakk is,” Ackar answered, his eyes never leaving Strakk. “We clashed several times in the war, but never came to a satisfactory conclusion in any of our fights. No idea why he wears such impractical armor. Probably just to look cool.”

 

“Stop making jabs about my armor!” Strakk snapped as he swung his axe as though it were made out of plastic. “It has feelings too, you know!”

 

“Yeah!” Berix agreed, looking at his friends as though disappointed in them. “Honestly, guys, don’t you understand that inanimate objects have feelings? Like, remember when Kirbold made that jab at my gun for looking so weak? He really hurt its feelings!”

 

“You shot him for that remark, if I remember correctly,” said Mata Nui, nodding. Then he looked at Strakk and said, “My friend with the overly-sensitive gun has a point. I am sorry for insulting you, Strakk’s armor. Can we be friends now?”

 

“My armor doesn’t want to be friends with friends of Ackar!” Strakk proclaimed. “My armor funnels its icy rage through my body, which gives me more strength to kill my enemies!”

 

“Then let’s dance, pardner,” said Ackar, again in his best Clint Eastwood voice.

 

“We shall help,” said Mata Nui as he and the others cocked their guns.

 

Ackar waved them off and said, “Sorry, guys, but this is my fight. I should have finished this years ago. You guys can raid the movie theater, though, since no one seems to be using it. Get some popcorn and watch as I kick Strakk’s icy behind.”

 

“No!” Strakk roared as he swung his axe again. “Get popcorn so you can watch me kick Ackar’s fiery-“

 

He didn’t get to finish his sentence, for Ackar had jumped up high in the air and – after performing well over 50 summersaults – brought his word down on Strakk’s head.

 

Strakk, however, was not slow, despite his impractical shoulder armor. He deflected the blow with his axe, which caused Ackar to float in midair for a moment before he landed and swung his blade at Strakk with enough strength to fell a building.

 

The attack connected and sent Strakk flying through several ruined buildings, crashing through their walls so fast and so far that by the time he stopped he had been hit clear into the next paragraph.

 

“Ow,” Strakk said as he sat up, rubbing his head and looking around. “So this is what next paragraph is like.”

 

Then he looked up and saw Ackar rocketing towards him. Literally rocketing; Ackar had gotten a giant space rocket from somewhere and was riding it through the Strakk-shaped holes in the buildings, causing so much damage that it would have given an insurance agent a heart attack. Ackar’s arms were flailing crazily about as he flew, his eyes glinting madly.

 

Strakk rolled out of the way just as the rocket came within five feet of him. Then he seized the rocket with one hand and sent it flying straight up. It went so fast that, by the time Ackar realized what was going on, the rock was halfway through space.

 

“That little spanker!” Ackar shouted as he jumped off of the rocket ship and fell down to Bara Magna. “You’ll pay for this!”

 

Ackar, through sheer awesomeness, increased his body temperature to the point where he was literally burning through the air. He fell at such ferocious speeds that he was back in Bara Magna’s atmosphere instantly and crashed into Strakk with such force that they both went flying straight through the center of the planet and into space.

 

However, Strakk punched Ackar, separating the two and sending them flying in different directions. Ackar stopped more quickly than Strakk, however, and charged, running through space like it was just any other battlefield, screaming so loudly that in space someone did hear him screaming.

 

Strakk, too, was running and when their weapons connected, it sent up a wave of energy so powerful and intense that a nearby planet evaporated and reformed as Super Planet, king planet of the cosmos. Super Planet flew off to rule his universe, vowing to one day return to aid his creators in their darkest hour.

 

Strakk got slightly distracted by Super Planet’s creation which allowed Ackar to hit him so hard he went flying back to Bara Magna, crashing through the planet’s core again and flying back up into Tajun. Ackar followed after him and, upon reaching Tajun, did not see Strakk anywhere. All he saw was Mata Nui, Gresh, and Berix sitting down in beach chairs watching the fight with several bags of popcorn in their laps.

 

“Where’d Strakk go?” Ackar demanded.

 

“Behind you!” Strakk yelled as he suddenly appeared out of nowhere, his axe raised high above his head.

 

Turning around, Ackar could only raise his arm to deflect the axe. He expected to feel Strakk’s weapon cut cleanly through his forearm, but to his surprise the axe head snapped with such force that Strakk was actually sent flying backwards into a huge building, which toppled over onto the warrior and crushed him beneath its heavy weight.

 

Ackar waited, tense, but Strakk never rose from the building. Ackar sighed; the battle was now over. He looked up at the sky and for a moment wondered what Super Planet was doing right now.

 

“Cool,” said Berix. “Do it again!”

 

“Nah, I proved my point,” said Ackar dismissively. “I’m cooler than Strakk. Anyway, now we’ve just got to find Metus, don’t we?”

 

“Oh, yeah,” said Berix. He whipped his iPhone out from a handy dandy plot hole and quickly texted somebody. “Okay, Metus says he’s actually in Tesara.”

 

“You mean we came all the way here for nothing?” asked Mata Nui, somewhat disappointed.

 

“Yeah, pretty much,” said Berix cheerfully as he threw his iPhone back into the plot hole. “Let’s go to Tesara!”

 

“Thisba plot feelsba like itba beba stretching out a bitba tooba much,” Gresh commented as the four warriors saddled their mounts and continued riding through Tajun.

 

“Yeah, well, that’s how all good bad action movies are supposed to be,” said Mata Nui. “If there was any actual substance to this plot, this comedy would have ended two chapters ago.”

 

“Ah, I seeba,” said Gresh, nodding. “Let’s getba going, thenba.”

 

-TNTOS-

Can the entry be two monsters fighting each other or does one have to be a "titan" and the other a "monster"?

 

For example, say I wanted to portray a fight between the Kardas Dragon and the Tahtorak. Both technically are monsters (well, I think of them as monsters, anyway), but they are both as big as any Titan set. Would that fight be acceptable or does one of them actually have to be a titan in order for it to count?

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 3: An Ambush of Awesome

 

Mata Nui and his crew of crusty, rusty, and quite musty friends charted a course for the village of Vulcanus, where Berix claimed Metus was hanging out these days. Since this is an action-adventure comedy, Mata Nui chose the most dangerous, action-packed route he could find: The Sandray Canyon. His instincts told him something awesome would happen there, but despite his own coolness he could not say exactly what it was going to be.

 

So the four cohorts began their journey on their rock steed mounts (Mata Nui’s Thornatus had run out of gas, so he decided to take his rock steed instead). As they entered the canyon, Ackar looked every which way for signs of an ambush.

 

“This place is ideal for an ambush,” said Ackar, stating what I had already said.

 

There was silence for a few minutes, and then Mata Nui said to Ackar, “Er, Ackar, Kiina isn’t here. Although this is a parody of The Legend Reborn, it doesn’t look like we’ll be able to quote every single line in this comedy.”

 

“Aw,” said Ackar, looking disappointed.

 

“Now you know how it feels to have the metal claw on the other foot,” Berix replied with a smirk on his face.

 

“Berix, did you say that just to prove me wrong?” asked Mata Nui as their mounts strode into the canyon.

 

“Yeah,” said Berix. Then he pointed up at the sky and added, “And the geek at the computer told me to, too.”

 

“I am sure he did, Berix,” said Mata Nui, nodding.

 

Then, all of a sudden, they heard a loud whooping sound. Turning around in their seats, Mata Nui and the others saw a huge sand cloud coming their way. There was no way to dodge it, but as it drew closer Mata Nui saw that it was not merely a sand cloud, but dozens of hundreds of possible thousands of bone hunters, a rival gang of the Skrall, their steeds kicking up so much sand that it looked like a sand storm had appeared out of nowhere.

 

Then, in front of them, there was a huge tremor in the ground that nearly knocked our heroes off their steeds. The sand in front of them exploded and, when the dust cleared, a gigantic red scorpion-like creature with tank treads stood before them, blocking their way.

 

“Skopio!” Ackar yelled, reining his rock steed in as the gigantic monster roared at them Godzilla-style.

 

“Between da bone hunterbs and da Skopio, weba look to be trapped,” said Gresh, his head spinning from the Skopio to the bone hunters and back with extreme speed. “Whadda weba doba, Mata Nui?”

 

“You three take out the bone hunters,” Mata Nui decided. “I’ll take on the Skopio.”

 

“That’s not fair,” Berix complained. “The bone hunters don’t stand a chance against us. I want to eat the Skopio anyway.”

 

“Go anyway,” said Mata Nui. He pulled out his 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle and said, “With luck I will finish this thing in five seconds, tops.”

 

“It’ll take us even less to beat those bone hunters,” said Ackar. He turned to Gresh and Berix and said, “Come on! Let’s go do awesome things!”

 

“Yayba!” Gresh shouted as he rode after Ackar, with Berix in tow.

 

Mata Nui turned to the Skopio, which was now aiming its cannon tail at him. “Ready to dance, monster? Because I am a professional tap dancer! Hi-yah!”

 

Mata Nui leapt off of his rock steed and, as he flew, aimed his 40kMGA rifle at the Skopio. Once he was sure his aim was accurate, he pulled the trigger and sent a bullet the size of Berix’s brain flying into the Skopio’s face.

 

The monster roared in pain, but quickly shook the bullet out of its head as Mata Nui landed behind it. Turning around, the Skopio fired off a blast from its launcher, which Mata Nui deflected with his 40kMGA rifle like a baseball, sending the blast straight into the creature’s face. Skopio went flying back because it was so awesome and crashed into the canyon walls.

 

But it wasn’t down yet. As it slid down the walls, it converted its legs into tank treads and rolled down the canyon slope with extreme speed. It fired off a rapid volley of missiles at Mata Nui as it drew ever closer, all of which Mata Nui dodged or leapt over.

 

There was one projectile, however, that he couldn’t dodge. Actually, it was more like he didn’t want to, ‘cause he sensed he could do something awesome with this one as it flew toward him.

 

He twisted his body to avoid being hit by the blast, but caught it with one hand as it passed him. Then, in one swift motion, he loaded his own 40kMGA rifle with the Skopio’s blast, aimed, and fired at the tank-like scorpion.

 

Mata Nui’s 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle had a special power. If one were to load it with the enemy’s ammunition, then one could unleash the attack back at 1000 times its original power. Such strength would be enough to destroy any enemy and, as Mata Nui watched the redirect attack strike its owner, he knew he had won.

 

A blinding explosion shook the canyon, incinerating half of the walls. The explosion advanced on Mata Nui, but the hero merely punched the explosion backwards, causing the explosion to be absorbed by itself and explode again. Wicked.

 

“That settles that,” said Mata Nui as he jumped back onto his steed, which had magically reappeared just for this moment. “I wonder how Ackar and the others are doing with the bone hunters.”

 

-

 

Ackar was cornered by at least one hundred bone hunters. He had lost his sword due to his own carelessness and, considering how mean the little midgets on their dinosaurs looked, he doubted they planned to sing happy birthday to him. That was a shame, since today was his birthday and the only people who’d sung happy birthday to him had been Gresh – who had completely botched the lyrics due to his odd accent – and Berix, who’d replaced several of the words in the song with cuss words so bad that they would probably have had him banned from BZPower for eternity if they were written here.

 

But Ackar hadn’t survived this long by being stupid, at least not being only stupid. He knew how to fight without weapons. He knew the fist, if trained correctly, can be mightier than the sword or gun. And, fortunately for him, he had trained his fist correctly just for this kind of situation.

 

One of the bone hunters rushed him, swinging a sword at his head as it charged. But Ackar raised his fist and punched straight through the sword’s metal, which Ackar could tell had been made out of stupidium, the strongest, thickest metal in the universe.

 

The bone hunter, shocked, fell off his mount, but Ackar caught him and hurled the enemy at the other bone hunters. The hunter exploded upon making contact with his brethren, annihilating more than half of the 100 bone hunters that had dared to challenge Ackar. Ackar figured that hunter must have been made out of explodium or something.

 

The surviving bone hunters weren’t fazed by the deaths of more than half of their teammates, however. They charged Ackar and Ackar charged them yelling as loudly as he could, “Get off my lawn!”

 

Both sides moved so blindingly fast that they appeared to merely pass each other and trade spots. But, as Ackar stood up, the bone hunters he had seemingly ‘passed’ exploded into a rainbow of colors, sending gigantic sparks of fire into the sky and setting several clouds on fire.

 

“That’s why you never mess with Ackar,” said Ackar as he watched the spectacle, satisfied. “Now I wonder how the others are doing.”

 

-

 

Where there had once been five hundred bone hunters, there now stood only two dozen. None of them knew where their prey, a green-armored Glatorian named Gresh, had disappeared to. That was the strange thing about him. He moved so fast that at least one bone hunter had claimed Gresh was actually death itself given a physical body to slay the weak. Needless to say, that hunter had been shot by his allies for being stupid.

 

In reality, Gresh was using a technique he had learned during the war called ‘awesomeness movement.’ It basically allowed him to move so fast that one could only assume he had been granted such daring speed from the Great Beings themselves. Every time he struck one bone hunter, he killed at least a dozen, so that in a few minutes only two dozen were left, as Gresh had noted above.

 

Nowba Iba goba inba for da kill, Gresh thought as he separated his shield into twin arm blades.

 

He came up behind a bone hunter and – moving so fast he probably destroyed a universe or two in the process – slashed the hunter in half and then kicked both parts at the remaining bone hunters. The two halves of the hunter exploded upon making contact with the survivors making such a huge explosion that Gresh had to use his awesomeness movement to dodge it.

 

Once it passed, Gresh returned to normal speed and looked around. He had slain all of the bone hunters that had ganged up on him. Not a single one remained standing, for they were all married, you know.

 

“Takeba thatba, boneda hunterbs,” said Gresh triumphantly as he combined his blades into his shield again. “Nowba I wonderb whatba Berix beba doing.”

 

-

 

Compared to the others, Berix’s own strategy was pretty simple: Aim, lock on, and shoot. Using this easy-to-apply method, Berix managed to mow down at least a thousand or so bone hunters with only ten shots. As a result, he was happy and satisfied with this approach and highly recommends it to all of his friends and family (if he hadn’t eaten them, that is).

 

But Berix, like any good home improver, decided to make his own adjustments to the method. So, instead of aim, lock on, and shoot, he merely aimed and shot. How he could lock on in the first place is unimportant, but we’ll blame the Unicron Singularity for those who want an explanation.

 

A bone hunter came up behind him with a ridiculously long, ought-to-be-a-sword knife that was twice the size of Berix’s head. Berix was too busy mowing down the hunter’s friends to pay much attention to the sneaky thief and – with a cry of pain – the bone hunter fell backwards, a bullet in its head.

 

“That’s what you get when you try to sneak up on Berix!” Berix roared triumphantly, his gun still aimed over his shoulder. “And the rest of you ought to run if you know what’s good for your crab cakes!”

 

But there was no one around to listen to Berix’s ranting. Actually, that was not necessarily true, for there were thousands of ‘hospitalized’ bone hunters in every direction (despite the fact that Berix had been aiming directly ahead the entire time).

 

“Well, that takes care of that,” said Berix as he spun his gun Robocop-style and put it back into his holster. “Now time to go see how everyone else is doing.”

 

-

 

The four warriors met up in the center of the canyon. None of them were particularly tired or exhausted; they used to do things like that all the time back in the war and so were quite used to it by now. In fact, this was so routine that none of them boasted about their accomplishments. Even Berix described his fight with only the blandest, lamest choice of words possible, so by the time they had gathered their mounts and began their journey again they all felt like they had wasted their time.

 

“By the way, Berix, where are we heading anyway?” asked Mata Nui as his rock steed trampled over the remains of a bone hunter.

 

“We’re heading to Tajun,” Berix answered, pointing behind them. “That’s where Metus texted me from last.”

 

“Then to Tajun it is,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “Let us go, to victory and awesomeness and hot girls!”

 

-TNTOS-

Chapter 2: The Crew is Rounded Up

 

Mata Nui drove his vehicle up to an old, rundown shack in the middle of nowhere. He hopped out of his Thornatus and, after locking it and making sure the theft alarm worked, strode casually up to the shack with his 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle on his shoulder.

 

He stopped at the door and knocked on it. A gruff voice that reminded him of Clint Eastwood answered, “What the KFC do you want?”

 

“I am Mata Nui,” Mata Nui answered. “And I am packing a 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle. Good enough for ya?”

 

“Eh, sure, whatever,” said the Clint Eastwood impersonator. “C’mon on in.”

 

The door flung open. As Mata Nui entered, the door shut closed behind him. Not that he cared. He was with his three old war buddies and, although they were all psychotic to a degree, he knew none of them would try to kill him here. They would only do that when he least expected it.

 

Mata Nui looked at the shack in which he had stepped in. Like his hut, it was one-room. But unlike his hut, the decay and damage it had taken over the years had not been inflicted by Skrall. It was mostly due to his friends’ laziness that the roof was leaky, the floor little more than packed dirt, the food rotten, the trash can overflowing, and the bullet holes in the wall (actually that was his fault, but he pretended one of the others had did it instead).

 

He then turned his attention to the center of the room, where three of the crustiest, rustiest, and mustiest ex-soldiers he had ever seen sat around a makeshift wooden card table. There were several empty bottles of water strewn across the floor and table and lots of leftovers that no one cared to eat. Mata Nui didn’t care. He hadn’t come to eat leftovers. He had come to talk to these three.

 

He glanced at the first one, a red-armored old man named Ackar. Despite having celebrated his 60 billionth birthday recently, Ackar could still kick butt better than kids half his age (or however younger you’d have to be compared to a 60 billion-year-old). He had a Clint Eastwood-like voice, which Mata Nui had always suspected was a fake, although the last guy who had suggested that got his butt kicked into next Tuesday.

 

Ackar had also been Mata Nui’s mentor, which was pretty much how Mata Nui learned to be as awesome as he was. Ackar was retired now, though, but he still occasionally would get lost in the desert with only a half drunk bottle of water, a rusted, broken blade, and a bagel just to prove he could survive without civilization for a month.

 

Then Mata Nui shifted his gaze to Gresh. Younger than Mata Nui and Ackar, Gresh was a green-armored assassin who could strike as fast as death itself. He would often say some stupid joke before blowing your brains out, but his speed and skill had saved Mata Nui’s hide more than once, so he was an accepted part of the crew.

 

And finally, there was ‘Double Barrel’ Berix, an Agori that had supposedly escaped from the insane asylum on Bota Magna and joined the army in order to avoid being recaptured. Berix was the likely most psychotic of the group, known for his love of his double barrel guns and his disdain of things like reason and logic. Mata Nui had once seen Berix literally mow down an entire battalion of enemy soldiers during the war, emerging without even a scratch on his armor.

 

These three were Mata Nui’s old war buddies. Although no longer working in the army, they liked to get together every now and then to play pranks on Old Man Raanu, such as running up to his door, ringing his doorbell, and running out of sight before Raanu could see who had rang the bell. They also graphitized pictures of themselves on streets, walls, vehicles, and people. Occasionally they got together for a hunting party – in which they would hunt down Bigfoot, which they had so far had no luck in finding – but mostly they played pranks.

 

Mata Nui sat down and laid his rifle across the table. “I assume you all know why I am here.”

 

“Because the pixies stole your magical lollypop, right?” said Berix with a straight face as he spun his guns in his hands.

 

“If by ‘pixies’ you mean Skrall and by ‘magical lollypop’ you mean Kiina, then yes, I suppose that is what happened,” said Mata Nui, just as seriously as Berix. “In other words, the Skrall have kidnapped my girl Kiina and we have to rescue her.”

 

Gresh, who was cleaning his shield from his last job, looked up and said, “Yo girl’s been kidnapped, dawg?”

 

“Yes, homeboy,” said Mata Nui, nodding. “They left a note in my hut. I was upset because I had just caught a cybernetic demon wolf for Kiina to cook, too.”

 

“The Skrall are too powerful to take on alone,” said Ackar, leaning forward. “So you’re asking us to help you, right?”

 

“Right-e-o, Ackar,” said Mata Nui, his hands balling into fists as he imagined just how smug the Tuma looked right now. “I need your help, even though there is a high chance that we will all die horrible, embarrassing deaths.”

 

“We ain’t done no such thing since da war, Mata Nui,” said Gresh, shaking his head as he leaned backward in his chair. “Yuba expect us to ‘elp u?”

 

“What Gresh said,” said Berix as he twirled his guns and fired at the ceiling, just for the heck of it. “Look, I’m all for rescuing magical lollypops from pixies and all, but I was going to go into town and go trick-or-treating.”

 

“Berix, Halloween isn’t for two more months,” said Mata Nui.

 

“Yeah, but I always like to get things done nice and early,” said Berix as an insane smile spread across his face. “And if no one wants to give me any candy, then I’ll pull a little ‘trick’ involving my double barrel guns here.”

 

Ignoring Berix, Mata Nui said to the group, “But you will help me anyway, won’t you? I’ve saved all of your lives at least 34.6 times each during the great war. You have all sworn to repay your debts to me some day. Well, today is the day you can repay your debts.”

 

“Can’tba beat thaba logic,” said Gresh with a shrug. “Obakay, Mata Nui. I’llba help yuba.”

 

“It’s been too long since we went on a butt-kicking spree,” said Ackar as he withdrew his sword, which for primarily aesthetic purposes was shaped like a flame. “I don’t have any plans for tonight anyway. So count me in.”

“Berix,” said Mata Nui, looking at the psycho Agori. “Will you also lend your skills? Surely early trick-or-treating can wait?”

 

Berix contemplated long and hard about Mata Nui’s words, until he finally said, “Okay, Mata Nui. I suppose I can put off trick-or-treating. Will I get to shoot people?”

 

“With luck, we will all get to shoot people, Berix,” said Mata Nui, nodding reassuringly.

 

“Yes!” said Berix, pumping his fist. “And we get to hospitalize people, too, right?”

 

“I don’t see why not,” said Mata Nui, shrugging.

 

“Then let’s GOOOOOO!” Berix screamed, leaping out of his chair and running through the wall with blinding speed, leaving a Berix-shaped hole in the plaster, which Gresh half-heartedly tried to cover with a piece of thin cardboard.

 

“But first,” said Mata Nui, turning to Ackar and Gresh, as though Berix had not just run through the wall. “We need information.”

 

“Information? Whyba do we needba thaba?” asked Gresh, puzzled.

 

“We need to know exactly where the Tuma’s hideout is and how to infiltrate it,” Mata Nui explained to the bemused Glatorian. “Then we’ll head straight for wherever the Tuma is.”

 

“I know exactly who to ask for that,” said Berix, appearing suddenly out of nowhere.

 

“Where did you come from?” asked Mata Nui, surprised.

 

“That hole in the wall I just made,” Berix replied, casually pointing at another Berix-shaped cookie cutter he had made in the wall opposite the one he had just run out of earlier. “Anyway, like I said, I know exactly who we can talk to for information.”

 

“Who?” Mata Nui asked.

 

“My old asylum buddy Metus,” Berix answered. “Back in the old days, he used to know everything. Like, he said the sun goes up and down each day because it is really a rock being pushed up and down a slope by little midgets call narglesnaps.”

 

“Interesting,” said Mata Nui as he stroked his chin. “So this Metus fellow knows everything, you say?”

 

“Everything,” Berix confirmed as he hopped up and down in his seat. “And I know exactly where to find him. Come on.”

 

-TNTOS-

Hello and welcome, comedy forumgoers and readers! Some of you may have remembered me posting a crazy little story back on the old forums called BIONICLE: The Legend Reloaded. It was essentially a parody of the movie BIONICLE: The Legend Reborn and inadvertently ended up starting a trilogy of Bionicle parodies, with The Legend Exploded and The Legend Imploded following not long after.

 

Unfortunately, now that the Archives have been taken down, TLR was lost and the link to it in my library lead nowhere.

 

Thankfully, I have the entire story saved onto an external device. Since TLE and TLI are both still on BZP, I have reposted the entirety of TLR here so the entire Legend Trilogy can be read.

 

This is merely a repost. It is not a rewrite. It is the same story as the one from the Archives. While it could undoubtedly be better, I do not have an interest in making any major changes to the story itself right now. I may edit minor typos or grammatical mistakes, however, but I imagine that will be the most I do in terms of editing or rewriting.

 

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1: Mata Nui's Not Bothering Anymore

Chapter 2: The Crew is Rounded Up

Chapter 3: An Ambush of Awesome

Chapter 4: Ackar versus Strakk

Chapter 5: Beware my Stinger Tail!

Chapter 6: The Plot Finally Advances

Chapter 7: More Unnecessary Interruptions

Chapter 8: The Assault

Chapter 9: It's a Trap!

Chapter 10: Deus ex Machina

Chapter 11: Prelude to Battle

Chapter 12: The Battles Rages on, all on Saturday

Chapter 13: More Epic Fighting

Chapter 14: What Should Be the Ending But Isn't

Chapter 15: A Battle So Epic Even a God Must Join In

Chapter 16: And the Battle is over . . . Right?

Chapter 17: Is the Battle over Now?

Chapter 18: What Happens Next?

Chapter 19: Why Yes, We CAN Stretch out This Comedy until You Get Tired of it

Chapter 20: We can Stretch this Comedy like Rubber, you know

Chapter 21: I Wanted to Stretch this Fight as Long as Possible so I Decided to Continue it into the Next Chapter

Chapter 22: Why yes, that was an abrupt ending last chapter, wasnt it?

Chapter 23: Well end this when we feel like it, dude

Chapter 24: Yes, We Know You Want To See This Done and Over With, But We Can Still Stretch It

Chapter 25: How Many More Meaningless Subplots Can I Throw In Before I Lose All of My Readers?

Chapter 26: How Many Readers Do I Have Left Now? Maybe Three? Two And A Half If I Am Lucky?

Chapter 27: In Which the Main Plot Is Revisited (Maybe)

Chapter 28: In Which the Plot Really Is Revisited (Maybe)

Chapter 29: In Which Bears Make Their Long-Delayed Appearance

Chapter 30: No Bears Were Harmed In the Making of This Chapter

Chapter 31: The Plot Appears To Be Finally Getting Somewhere

Chapter 32: Sieges Are Never Awesome Unless You Use Trains

Chapter 33: Anticlimactic Climax is Anticlimactic

Chapter 34: I think Were done Now. No stupid Cliffhangers That the Author can Take Advantage of to make Unnecessary Sequels . . . Right?

Without further ado, I present to you the beginning, where all of this madness first began:

 

Chapter 1: Mata Nuis Not Bothering Anymore

A short being in yellow armor (because yellow armor is a chick magnet) raised a rifle and aimed it at the cybernetic demon wolf he had been hunting. His name was Mata Nui and he was not going to go home to his girl Kiina without some food to put on the table.

 

The wolf demon thingy snarled and, with a cry like that of a dolphin, leapt at the ex-war hero with blinding speed and agility. Mata Nui could see the foam at its teeth, its sharp, blood-stained claws, and saw that its eyes were full of hate and hunger. Or something like that. He just thought it looked crazy.

 

Anyway, the wolf jumped at him, but Mata Nui was faster. He raised the rifle even higher than before and, holding the gun with only one hand, shot the cybernetic demon wolf right between the eyes. The wolf creature went flying back and slammed into the stone wall of the canyon Mata Nui had tracked it down in. It slid to the ground, dead, although because this is a kids comedy well say it was taken to the hospital forever and leave it at that.

 

Mata Nui walked over to the hospitalized wolf and slung it over his shoulder. He did not have the first idea how he would cook and clean this creature. He figured Kiina would know that, but if she didnt they could always eat it raw. Thats how he and his friends had eaten their enemies during the war, after all. Raw meat was manlier than cooked meat anyway, in Mata Nuis humble opinion.

 

-

 

A few hours later, Mata Nui drove up in his Thornatus (technically it was Kiinas, but because it was yellow like him he usually pretended it belonged to him) to his house, which was a basic one-room stone hut. Like most of the inhabitants of Bara Magna, Mata Nui didnt have enough money to get a more luxurious house. And, again, like most of the Bara Magnans, he was too awesome for silly things such as indoor plumbing and reasonable safety conditions, so he didnt need a bigger or nicer house anyway.

 

As Mata Nui walked up to his house, he began thinking over how hed show his girl Kiina what he caught. He imagined it would go something like this:

 

Mata Nui: (with the wolfs body hidden behind him) Kiina! Im home!

 

Kiina: Mata Nui! Where were you?

 

Mata Nui: (slyly) Oh, nowhere in particular.

 

Kiina: Were you hanging out with those old war buddies of yours again?

 

Mata Nui: (again, slyly) Maybe a little.

 

Kiina: Not that I care. Im no generic female stereotype who always worries about the male main character anyway.

 

Mata Nui: Right you are, Kiinie.

 

Kiina: Dont call me that or Ill play football with your head. American football, for you non-Americans reading this.

 

Mata Nui: Surprise! (Holds up the hospitalized wolf)

 

Kiina: Oh, Mata Nui! How wonderful! How did you know cybernetic demon wolf stew was my favorite food? Youre so sweet.

 

Mata Nui: And awesome, too.

 

Kiina: Of course you are. Now go get the chainsaw and lets try to figure out what the edible parts are on this thing.

 

Yes, Mata Nui thought as he reached the door, this would go perfect. Of course, he had no idea whether Kiinas favorite food actually was cybernetic demon wolf stew, but he figured the conversation would go that way. He was just that awesome, after all.

 

He opened the door which was strangely unlocked, although he paid no attention to this and as he stepped inside, he called out, Kiina! Im home!

 

Then he stopped dead in his tracks. The room was completely dark despite the windows being open which allowed the bright sunshine to pour in but Mata Nui knew this was Hollywood darkness, so it was really more of a dark bluish hue that let him see where he was even though it was supposed to be dark. He wished it was the cool reddish kind of darkness instead, but he knew the budget for this comedy was pretty low to begin with so he didnt complain.

 

What he saw horrified him. The table had been flipped over and smashed in two. Their chairs had been smashed against the walls, leaving chair imprints in the plaster. The fridge door was open and Mata Nui saw that all of the food was gone (he gasped dramatically upon seeing that). Someone other than himself or Kiina had slept in their beds. And there appeared to be claw marks on the wall, like a gigantic cat had been sharpening its claws on Mata Nuis hut.

 

Worst of all, there was no sign of Kiina. He didnt see any blood, but even if he had he knew it would be censored. Remember, this is a kids comedy, so we cant show blood or anything gory.

 

He dropped the cybernetic demon wolf and walked deeper into the hut, gawking at all of the carnage. Then his sharp eyes caught a flash of white, which caused him to jump, for he feared a ghost had blown up in front of him. It had happened once before.

 

He looked around and saw that it was only a small piece of paper upon which was written a note in tiny, elegant letters made by an obviously well-educated person. In other words, not Kiinas handwriting.

 

He picked up the note and read it:

 

Dear Mata Nui,

 

We kidnapped your girl Kiina and are holding her hostage. If you cannot turn up at Roxtus with ten billion and a half dollars in cash by the end of the night, you will never see your girl again.

 

Signed, the mighty Tuma, leader of the Skrall.

 

Mata Nui gasped dramatically. Oh, look! A shiny penny! He picked up the shiny penny and gazed at it for a few minutes before he realized what was written on the note.

 

Then he crunched the paper in his hands as righteous anger surged through him. First, I am drafted into some nutty war by some crazy scientists. Then I am ridiculed and mocked by my comrades because I wear yellow armor, which is totally a chick magnet and not kid appeal. And then, I see death and chaos all around me every day until the day the war reaches its epic conclusion.

 

At first, I thought I had escaped the war when it ended ten years ago. I thought I could settle down and have a family and live happily and peacefully. I thought I could put the war behind me, ignore my problems in the hopes theyll go away.

 

Click, his pet bug (for want of a better term), hopped onto his shoulder and looked at Mata Nui worriedly. Then he leapt into the air and with a blinding flash of awesome light followed by a guitar solo transformed into Mata Nuis 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle that was capable of blasting cities into pieces.

 

But apparently, the war has followed me here, to this very hut, and has stolen my girl, said Mata Nui, his voice growing steadily louder. Now the Tuma has decided to get revenge on me by attacking the girl I sort of like. The Tuma might be in charge of billions of Skrall, but he has severely, severely underestimated my power and my unstoppable rage.

 

He looked down at his 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle and said to it, Click, were going to kick some Skrall butt and save hot girls. But first, I need help, the kind that doesnt take no [inappropriate word censored] from any Skrall. And I know exactly who fits that description.

 

-TNTOS-