Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

Courtesy of the SSCC, I have a review for you.

I have to admit that the first paragraph was not very promising. It portended a bland, matter-of-fact narrative voice telling instead of showing a story. But I was in for a pleasant surprise.In the end the style you chose to tell the story suited it very well. Instead of writing the scene, you told it, almost as if we were watching through a audioless camera. It was like a home movie.An unpoetic style benefited the story by adding an extra layer of realism. Life, alas, cannot be lived in gilded descriptions and elegent magniloquence; instead it is lived in the trite, colorless prose. Therefore, this moment of life you depicted was perfectly conveyed by that style.The family tradition of color-coded bows was very clever and very sweet; and the bow around the mother's midsection was cleverer and sweeter still. It all felt very real and very touching, and though there was little of the Christmas spirit in it to awaken any holiday nostalgia, it had the same warmth. It evoked a different sort of nostalgia, a timeless, seasonless one--and that's more precious yet.The remainder of my comments are chiefly grammatical or stylistic:

you put the present under the tree,

Should be plural.

Every family does something different, which changes as they age or create their own family household traditions, and The Collins family was no different.

This isn't something you'll often hear from me, but I would replace those two words with one. Optimally, I would say, the latter; to avoid repetition.

There was mom, dad, Kaleigh (17), and Gabriel (14).

Mom and Dad should be capitalized. And though I'm not a big fan of parentheses, I approve them in this case because it suits the style of the story.

Sometimes screams of joy would be heard, sometimes laughter, and sometimes just a simple ‘thank you (insert person here)’.

Please--don't. There's a fine medium between formality and laxity, and it's a matter of opinion, perhaps even preference, which you should lean toward. But you should never step too far in either direction. This is an instance of overstepping. It comes across as far too chatty. I would just remove the parenthetical words altogether.Oh, and on another note, that period--though you might replace it with an exclamation point--should go inside the quotation marks.

and when they had everything bagged up and there things were taken to their rooms,

Their.

She quickly brought her hand to her smiling mouth and began sobbing.

Quickly strikes me as too volitional, and sobbing comes across too strong. I think the sentence would work better something like this:She immediately brought her hand to her smiling mouth, happy tears surprised from her eyes.Use pointed verbs and opportune adjectives to convey the same message with more power.

Gabriel asked why she was crying even though he knew why.

Sentences are right up their with eggs and noses in that they're best when they're not runny. This was too runny. You can slow down a bit at times; there's no rush. In this case, I would put a comma after crying, expunge even, and replace knew with could guess.On the whole, it wasn't an impressive piece of writing, but it was an impressive and very charming piece of story. The former was allowed to yield to the latter, which can have a worth while effect. Very nicely done. You have earned a thumbs-up and a high-five from me.

Keep writing,

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Woa it appears I, in my tiredness, copied only half of the story, I assume I can paste the rest?

Generally you're not supposed to edit after the deadline, so thank you for asking. But certainly, as long as you're only adding the remainder of the story, you're welcome to fix that. I can forgive a mistake.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

You know, these stories deserve some of the links they were missing, because they're great stories and they deserve to be read. These were as many as I could track down:

 

Epics

_~_~_~_~_

Danger Close : Review Topic: The sequel to A Dark Hunter’s Tale, this story takes on the perspective of both sides as they prepare for battle in a matter of days. [status : Complete]

Comedies

_~_~_~_~_~_

Unity, Duty, Stupidity : [bionicle] : The Toa Nuva live out their lives on their own reality TV show, and my first [failed] attempt at comedy. [status : Cancelled]

Short Stories

_~_~_~_~_~_~_

Winter Years : [COT – FFFC] : A girl wanders through her hometown on Christmas Eve, and she discovers the true meaning of Christmas.

Angel : [bionicle – Songfic] : Lesovikk reminisces of his love and best friend, Nikila, and finds that sometimes, time doesn’t heal all wounds. [Angel by Sarah McLachlan]

To Fly : [COT] : A brief story characterizing the bond between pilot and plane.

Dancer : [COT – Songfic] : An in-depth perspective of a dancer’s emotional and powerful dance, describing each of her moves in detail. Dedicated to one of my closest friends, who is also my role-model. [Alice by Avril Lavigne]

Poetry

_~_~_~_~_

Autumn : [COT] : A description of autumn and my love for the season through poetry.

Maybe this will inspire me to touch up my own library.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Congratulations to Dreadheart, who has won "Rebirth" with his story, Home Videos!

Honorable mentions go to Pahrak #0579's "Between Birth and Rebirth" and Baltarc's "Thirty-Eight."

Thanks to every one for entering! We had a lot of great stories this time, and it made the judges' decisions difficult ones to make. Don't forget the next BIONICLE competition, "The Village"!

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Theme #6:

The Village

Deadline: 11:59 PM PST on Monday, April 22nd.

Any interpretation of the theme is valid, but your entry must be a BIONICLE story and it must adhere to the rules posted above. Also, if you are an Ambage member, keep in mind the April Writing Prompt (to get more achievements):"A new dawn"

Member Name: NuileTheme: Rebirth

Word Count: 750Link: New Horizon

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today . . ."

. . .

"We've known each other for a long time, haven't we?""It's been a week."

"I believe it has been eight days--but never mind. It seems so much longer. As if we had known one another always. . . . Whatever our souls are made of, they seem to be of the same."

"Where did you read that?"

"Wuthering Heights. Or part of it. But that--never mind that. Since we met at the train station that day--"

"And you kissed me."

"If you want me to apologize for that--""Oddly, I do not."

"It was impetuous, I admit--"

"Why did you do it?"

"Will you let me speak without interruption? Thank you. Yes, I kissed you. When I saw your profile as you read the timetable, when you turned to me and I heard your voice as you asked for directions . . . something came over me. Maybe it was the light on your hair--but no, it was not that, or not only that. It was as if I was seeing an angel . . . I know it sounds foolish . . . but I had two choices: I could fall down and kiss your feet, or stand up and kiss you on the mouth. I chose to rise and touch the angel's lips."

"And where did you read that?"

"On my heart. Listen . . . I have--you see--there is--I would like--"

"Are you trying to ask me something?"

"Yes, I-- Will you--that is-- How would you like it-- Would you--agree to joining me in courtship?"

. . .

"I do."

. . .

"Seven months to the day, is it not?"

"It feels more like years."

"Doesn't it . . ."

"Is anything wrong? Are you feeling all right?"

"Perfectly . . . Why?"

"All day you've been very distant."

"I'm sorry. I have had something on my mind . . . It has, however, been a very good day, hasn't it?"

"Of course it has."

"I thought so, but I couldn't quite remember. I haven't been paying attention-- No, no, don't hit me! I jest!"

"What's on your mind, then?"

"I have been thinking about us: about these seven months, and how wonderful they have been; about how happy our walks, such as this, make me feel."

"I love it too. There is something--I don't know--oh, magical about walking together like this."

"Through day and gathering dusk, into the shadows beneath the starlight . . ."

"You're such a poet."

"Only when I'm with you. When I walk with you, I feel all the wisdom of the stars. I enjoy walking with you--very much. . . . "

"So do I."

"I love you."

"I know it. I love you too--you know that?"

"Of course. I--I want to tell you--well-- That is--if you would--you see-- Listen here--I-- There's something important--"

"I love it when you stutter. You don't do it often. Only when you're nervous . . . You have another question to ask me, don't you?"

. . .

"I do."

. . .

"It will be seventy years tomorrow . . . if I make it that far, my love. The doctors don't think I will. But I--I have never trusted doctors. Not since--but never mind . . .

"One more morning--just until the dawn. I can make it that far. To see that dawn one more time . . . One more day. Then I will join you.

"I hope you're listening to me. Otherwise I'm just a foolish, senile old man muttering to myself . . . But no--I'm not senile.

"Ah! that's it now! The sunrise. I hope you can see it. It's beautiful . . . almost as beautiful as it was all those years ago. . . . I remember it perfectly. One more glimpse of the sun. One more glimpse--of the same sun we saw that morning. Then--then . . ."

. . .

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride."

Light, lovely and rosy, was being restored once more to the world as the sun climb into view across the darkened sea. It was as if the universe was being reborn as their lips met, and their new lives together dawned.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Newfound Land reviewed, as of three days ago.Reporting. Reporting my reviews is important. =P

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Nuile reporting with a review, compliments of the SSCC.The best flash fiction either depicts a brief scene, tells a brief story, or summarizes and epitomizes a larger story. Generally, the rule is "choose the length that suits your story." But yes, it is possible to fit a story to a given length.You combined the three: you depicted a brief scene woven into a brief story that is part of a greater story. But you left out one very important quality: point; meaning; interest of any kind. In no way--neither style nor description nor action nor anything else--did youI know this probably sounds scathing, and I apologize. But I've read your work before and I know you can do better, which is why this story is disappointing. It does seem to be the sort of story you enjoy writing--a synopsis, a summary of a larger story--which may not be to my tastes, but can be done well, as I have seen you prove in the past.I'm not saying that this story was entirely vacuous. There's the drama of creating a home in a new land, and even a hint of romance; they're working and struggling, I get it. This is all what you told the reader. But you didn't show them any of it.It's all insubstantial. I want to see the sweat on their brows, hear them grunting in the strain of their labor, and feel their emotions; I want to see them relax in companionship after the sun has gone down and the day's work is done. And if this viking is married or in love, I want to know more about their relationship, I want to see more feeling in their exchange under the stars.I would love to see any one of these scenes: disembarking from the ship, laboring, contending with natives, relaxing around a campfire, two lovers enjoying each other's company under the stars. But in condensing it all together you leave out the taste each scene could have on its own, or at any rate expanded.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

There's not much to say: it was a fifteen-minute flash fiction piece, which doesn't leave room for much. But at least you managed to fit your story in, and as usual I enjoy your style.Some might complain that your story was far too big to compress into flash fiction, but I actually disagree. I found its concise, undiluted form refreshing. It's a typical story that we've all heard before, but at this length there is no lesser tale to take the spotlight, leaving less to distract from the greater theme and letting it become the main focus. It's not an original concept, and yet there's something original in the unusually simple way you told it. It allows for deeper thinking on the reader's part.In the end, however, it remains a rather dry conspectus, more like a synopsis or an introduction than a story in and of itself. It is so digestive that it loses a little flavor. Again I say this is part of its charm, for it leaves much up to the reader; but I think a balance might be found. I wonder what this might be as a poem, and what marvels you might work if you rewrote it into one. That would be something I would very much like to see.It would be a drastic change, however, transmuting it into an entirely different story. As it is, I like it for its simplicity; and stylistically, always, well done. I don't think it will win a Pulitzer, but I do think that it's a fine piece. You could waste time making minor expansions and improvements, or you could go write something else. Writing is about constantly ameliorating oneself . . . and that's better done by writing new stories.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Ok got a small question, does the Reviews in the Review Pass thing need to be SSCC style or just a simple review telling what you liked disliked and possibly a few improvements?

Just a simple review. Go into detail, of course, but all that means is to tell of what you liked, what you disliked, and what you thought could be improved, like you said.In essence, all we ask is that you bear in mind the sixth rule of the SS forum:

Criticism and praise in reviews must be constructive. Please refrain from posting generic replies like 'Do more!' or 'Keep up the good work!'. They are considered to be void of any meaning, and therefore are spam. Only saying "This was stupid!" or "Wow, this is awful." is also considered spam. Don't forget our zero tolerance for flaming and trolling, as well.

As long as you're following this rule and not posting one-liner reviews like "This was awesome and I have nothing bad to say about it" or "This was terrible and I can't find a single thing to praise," you're good. If it's awesome, tell them why; if you think it's terrible, explain.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

With a slight delay, which by now you may have come to expect, the results are here!

Congratulations to Replicant, winner of "A Canister Ashore" with the story, Rebirth!

Honorable mentions go to "Woe Betide" by Pahrak #0579, and "Message in a Jar" by Legolover-361!

Don't forget to enter the OTC FFFC, "Rebirth"!

Congratulations to the winners, and thanks, as always, to all our wonderful entries! When there are this many entries, it becomes very difficult to judge among them. Well done, everyone!

Once it is time for the passing of a month, for the next to be reborn; it is time for . . .

"A new dawn"April Writing Prompt

Use it as a theme for your story, use it as an opening line, use it in the middle, at the end, twist the words--it's up to you. Just incorporate it into your story somehow. Let it inspire you.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Speaking of jokes, in light of yesterday's date, we feared that if we announced the new contest, some might not have taken us seriously. But now that day has passed, and your new theme is here; and one of these weeks you may look forward to a new contest being announced on the proper day.

Theme #6:

Rebirth

Deadline: 11:59 PM PST on Tuesday, April 9th.

Any interpretation of the theme is valid, but your entry must be a COT story and it must adhere to the rules posted above. Also, if you are an Ambage member, keep in mind the April Writing Prompt (to get more achievements):"A new dawn"

Late, but better than never, Tolkien's The Power has been reviewed. If you were looking for harsh criticism, co-boss, I'm sorry to disappoint you. =P This was a spectacular story and I highly recommend it.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Nuile from the SSCC here with one review, as requested.I'm going to tell you something right now, before I say anything else: It's people like you who make a critic's job reeeaaaal difficult.In fact, in this case, it's impossible. I simply have nothing to criticize. I'd have to cavil, and I'm not even going to try. You requested a review, and I'll give you one; but all I can give you is praise.Grammar: Impeccable. I didn't notice a single mistake. That's a big, big plus in my book. Excellent, excellent!Style: Beautiful. Your descriptions were pointful, vivid, and very, very elegant.Allegory: I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed that it turned out to be an abstraction of BZPower. But it was a dramatic monument to the site, I'll give you that. I haven't read many such representations, but I've read enough; and this was easily the best. Allegory, however, is in the eye of the beholder, and to me this has a very different meaning. And I don't think you could have written what you wrote if it didn't have another meaning for you, as well.Morals: Inspiring. It was poetic, that which you said about color: it's one of the beauties of the world around us, and something we take for granted. There is so much we don't learn to appreciate until they are gone, and so some things we never learn to appreciate. It is a moral I always bear in mind, one I live by; yet one I do not always live up to.

The protagonist's journeys through the dark were also very significant. To fight against obstacles, fears, and adversities on the path leading to a better place is something we are all familiar with, and his perseverance is encouraging.Emotion: Implicit. Very subtly implemented, but very powerful. I mentioned fear a moment ago, and I say you portrayed it well; also grief and despair, to name a few more. The protagonist's journey was very moving, not only to him, but to me, the reader, as well.Title: It's not always something you think about when reading, or reviewing, a story. How does the title connect? Even now, I have to read deeply to find any answer. The title is ambivalent, entirely open to interpretation; this could be taken as good or bad, it depends on your preference. On the one hand, it adds an extra shade of deeper meaning; on the other hand, it tells the reader nothing about the story they are about to read.

I have to say, I love the interruptive way the story progresses. It could be a little confusing, I admit, but that's not a major problem. It allowed for a very unique continuity in the storytelling, layering backstory almost seamlessly in amidst the narrative, and here and there adding that little dramatic flare only a story break can give.

"But...remember what?""Why, the way," the old Matoran had said, smiling sadly."The way of the Bionicle."

I got a tingly feeling. Just reading it over again now, I got that tingly feeling. The brilliant thing about what you did here is you took full advantage of an emotion produced, shall we say, by a foreign agent.

"Then lead on, and show me how I may go out of the darkness and into the light."

The whole story epitomizes in these elaborately forged words. Adept; quite adept.

I've read some of your work before, through the SSCC and through X:15. But of what I've seen, this is your best. This really is simply amazing. I've rarely read better on BZPower. Well done, Tolkien, noble writer; well done.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Nuile reporting with an official review, courtesy of the SSCC.

If you're trying to be vague and ambiguous, this is the way to do it. It's always a good idea either to give very little information, or to give all the necessary information. In a case like this, there is no balance. If you withhold information from the reader you pique their curiosity: unless you satisfy that curiosity, the reader just ends up piqued. There are levels of vagueness and levels of clarity, and you can have both: but if you go too far between them, you're likely to have trouble. There in the middle the story feels as if something is missing or intentionally withheld, something hinted at but not expressed. Vagueness is different, but only subtly: it is the feeling that there is something more, something intentionally withheld, something only hinted at; not something missing, but something that does not matter to the story.What matters to this sort of story is the scene you're telling and--not its true significance--the significance that might be behind it. What it means to you could be entirely different from what it means to me, the reader; and that's perfectly all right. The point is that if you give too much information to further your own interpretation, but fail to confirm that meaning, you begin to sketch something definite but too nebulous to be grasped, merely confounding the reader's imagination. As it is, you give just enough information that you leave everything entirely up to the reader's own ideas and interpretations.I want to look for shapes in the clouds: I don't care about the airplane behind them. But then if I hear it, I become curious; I look for it, but do not see it. Now everything is ruined! As a writer, you have to command the reader's curiosity properly. You showed me the clouds and deafened my ear to the roar of the concealed airplane's engines.I know this all sounds very vague. I'll try to clarify. To begin, I'll state the obvious: this story is about an unidentified narrator in a ruins. He becomes aware he is being followed, flees, and finally returns, only for his plans to be confounded and the enemy to catch him in the end.The only place that superfluous information begins to bother me is when the narrator searches supplies and an emergency cache, both of which have vanished. This starts to hint too much at something inexplicable, arousing curiosity that is left entirely unsatisfied. It seems pointless. Maybe there's a deeper significance to it, but as the reader, I want to know what that is. I don't want to be forced to hazard random, unfounded guesses as to its meaning.The same point applies to this:

And I remembered then the story of the two towers that had fallen to the enemy all those years ago.

Everywhere else, the vagueness is superbly balanced. You provide only the information necessary to the scene you're writing. The narrator is a soldier, or a lone warrior, or in some way involved in a war: this much is plain. You provide just enough information about him without posing too many questions that will never be answered. Long ago some destruction befell this tower, it doesn't matter what: it's ruined now, why or how is irrelevant. Our narrator is pursued by a mysterious figure who is obviously the enemy, and seems also to be involved in the war. That's all we need to know! That there is a war--for this story, that's all we needed to know. The rest depends upon the scene being depicted, and upon the style.And I'll say that, as usual, I very much enjoyed your style.It's also important that you provide very vague, very subtle hints regarding the story's significance. These are of a very delicate nature. Here is a perfect example:

So. This was the end of the war.

Grammatically I'm not thrilled by that first period, but that's not the point.The point is that this gives a very vague hint of significance, that says just enough to be an answer without being a question. In fact, it is so open, it might not even be referring to an actual war at all. It might be a personal contention between these two men--or are they men at all? I assume so; some one else may assume they are women; some one else may assume they are not human. It is open to interpretation because it does not matter to the story.You allow the reader's imagination to run wild almost subliminally; they don't have to give any real thought to the impressions that form in their mind. They can, as obviously I as reviewer am forcing myself to, but you don't force that. You don't force your reader into any hopeless attempt to deduce the story's real meaning, an attempt doomed to failure without sufficient evidence. Thus your story becomes, truly, something that exists only in the individual eye of each and every beholder, including yourself: and that, my friend, is something very impressive, indeed.Well done. Sir, very, very well done.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

We have traversed the highest peaks of OTC, and now we explore the deepest Kragghs.Yes, that was a very bad pun.Rainbow Powers, reviewed.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Nuile reporting for an SSCC Charity Review.

I also wrote for the "Rainbow" theme, and in my defense, my story was only grim and depressing for a satiric effect. But yeah, go figure; apparently rainbows really do make most people want to cry, to which I laid claim but did not suspect of truth. Got to love Aderia's "Rainbow" story, though. =PI am inclined to disagree that writing it off as a Write-Off piece--yes that was a very bad pun--is a sufficient excuse to extenuate a lack in quality. If you think a story deserves improvement, improve it. But then, I can understand a lack of interest to bother with a by-the-way piece like this. However, I am moreover inclined to disagree that you needed the disclaimer at all, because there was no lack in quality . . . with one reservation. But I'll get to that.On the whole I enjoyed it. I was impressed by how well you filled a flash fiction comedy with depth. You mixed a little wisdom into the conversation, there was a strong flavor of satire; and overall there was maintained a theme of the good that can be wrought by the simplest means, and the snowballing effect that can be instigated.Now: that ending. I laughed. I almost wanted to cry--but I laughed instead. Superman's introduction was very sudden, his description very rushed, and his place within the story stuck out like that suit would if he ever attempted any sort of stealth instead of flying headlong into battle; even that, however, I can forgive: this is a fifteen-minute flash fiction piece, not to mention intentionally farcical. It was amusing and, for that, worth while.On another note, you quoted Marvel in a story featuring a DC character. Knowing the latter, I rather rolled my eyes than laughed when I read the former, but groaners have as much merit as any other form of joke.

Then, a while later, it occurred to her that she created what might have been the mot iconic color scheme ever.

True, true. Barring the yellow--unless the logo happens to be yellow--it's a color scheme you'll find on most faucets. Very iconic.On the whole I wouldn't have realized this was a flash fiction piece, because I see no difference from your usual style of writing. This, I commend.

Keep writing,

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Quick question, I'm a little in time trouble, can I combine the writing prompt with this contest?

Certainly! Work it into your contest entry in any way your imagination likes!

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Congratulations to Eyru Bieber, winner of "Branching Out" with his story, Exit Number 117!

Thank you to all our entrants! Just to enter is a victory. Give yourself a pat on the back--and go enjoy another victory by entering the newest BIONICLE contest, "A Canister Ashore"!

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

My apologies for the day's delay; worry not, however, for the deadline will be adjusted accordingly. Without further ado, then:

Theme #5:

A Canister Ashore

Deadline: 11:59 PM PST on Tuesday, March 26th.

Any interpretation of the theme is valid, but your entry must be a BIONICLE story and it must adhere to the rules posted above. Also, if you are an Ambage member, keep in mind the March Writing Prompt (to get more achievements):"A faint glimmer . . ."

Thank goodness I had that extra week; I needed every day of it. A Jaunt in the Woods, and also O Dark Legion, reviewed.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Nuile reporting with an unrequested review courtesy of the SSCC. Now there's no getting away from us.

Before I say anything else I am going to admit that I am quite ignorant of the mechanics of poetry. My ken, at best, is basic. You have to rhyme: I get that. Then I read free verse and I'm just confused. But I poetry or prose, we use the same words. I am a writer with an aesthetic eye and a taste for words: I understand their tones and their flow and their beauty, and that is what I see here.I respect people who can arrange words into lines that rhyme. But poetry is more than that. It's the people who can go beyond that and write poetry whom I admire. And this, sir, this is poetry.One of poetry's best qualities is its ability to paint vivid pictures without laying any tangible detail. In prose you describe: in poetry you feel. You feel the Legion and their power and the dread they inspire. You feel the strength and ferocity of the battle. You feel the confidence of the Legion and the bravery of the three noble fighters as they fight against their insuperable foes, including the worst of all, Fear himself.There's color and action and a philosophical note of the pitch that rings long after the poem is over. Temptation is born of lust which comes of greed, a form of selfishness, the root of all evil; the lust for power is a strong one, and corruption--a great evil indeed--is seldom far behind. But that is but one interpretation. Worse comes the thought that, perhaps, there was no corruption and no hearts were changed; but evil is in the eye of the beholder. For no matter what we do and no matter who we serve, we will always, in the eyes of some, be evil. It is impossible to please everyone. It is a heavy thought: Goodness is not a measure of how much good we do, but how little evil . . .You may or may not know this, but I am a fan of your work. This may be only the second story I have read, but once again I have enjoyed it very much.

What is mercy? The Legion knows nothing of thisTo them the conquest brings all bliss.Though now they realize something is amiss

This sounds like something I would write, which is a greater insult than you might think . . . I did not feel that it flowed as much as elsewhere, but it was indeed the only place the flow was disrupted; a lone rock jutting into an otherwise smooth river.

In hearts, such moral shadow sevenfold.

It flowed, but it felt a little awkward in that it did not seem to make much sense. It seemed more like a rhmying placeholder than a part of the sentence.I adore stories that incite deep thoughts, and this was one in spades. Poems often are, but not necessarily, and not nearly as often in the past hundred years. Very nicely done; and no surprise. Now go write something more!

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Nuile reporting with an unrequested review courtesy of the SSCC. Now there's no getting away from us.

It began as an amusing scene about two hikers lost in the rain, regaling us with their banter as they sought to find their way home. And then with an inexplicable twist at the end that hints of some mysterious intimation--but what is that intimation? Where were they that they were not meant to be? You give no hint of what's amiss and only a vague hint that something is amiss at all.Instead of leaving your reader confounded, I say, why have a twist at all? You have right here a lovely piece of life fiction that could, with a little improvement, stand on its own. As it stands all it needs is a little point. All that takes is some additional seasoning: a sprinkling more of humor if that's the flavor you want, a shot of action if you want some zest, a dash of romance for a savory sweetness. Or stir in a some simple, homemade conversation for heartwarmth.There's also a lack in information regarding the characters: Who are they? Where are they? Why are they there? The Where is vaguely explained and, perhaps, needs nothing further; the Why--hiking--is not established early on and could use a little elaboration I think; the Who is a question I actually do not mind going unanswered. Especially in flash fiction these characters did not need any elaboration of stated detail.Dialogue is where it's at with the characters; and the dialogue felt a little stiff to me. I believe that this was due in no small part to the melodramatic profusion of exclamation points. It lost a little vitality through its lack of proper tone. I won't deny that two people lost in the rain are bound to be shouting at one another; but it's not enough to append an exclamation point after the words: the words have to have the shouting tone.Grammatically I just want to point this out:

"So, did you want to say something?" Asked Liz.

That should not be capitalized. This is a common mistake, one I see all the time. Unless it's a proper noun--which this is not--the word following a quotation should not be capitalized because it is, technically, part of the same sentence. Oddly this rule does not apply in reverse:

Asked Liz, "So, did you want to say something?"

A quotation should always be capitalized.Otherwise you did well.On the whole, it wasn't a great story, nor was it a bad story; it was all right. Without the abstruse twist it would have been better, with more vitality it could be excellent. Whether you take this and rewrite it or up your game by writing something entirely different,

Keep writing,

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith