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Showing results for tags 'The Yin/Yang Story'.
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I look forward to the cold air and chapped lips that fall and winter shall bring. I don't know why. I guess its because I like wearing sweatshirts and winter hats. I am the Stylin' and Profilin' member of BZPower after all (maybe Da Mista Mike will challenge me to that). Anyways, evetyone on the BZPBlogs has made an entry on how they can't wait for school or are dreading the utter fact that the date of the First Day is fast approaching. Personally, I like to call it D-Day, but I have to say I'm somewhat looking forward to seeing all my friends again. Though I don't have as many friends in this town as I did in the other, I do in fact have friends. But why would I write a bloody entry on school? No one cares what I think about it, because its going to match what someone else said about it, yada fasha waba. Reason why I'm looking forward to is a little thing I like to call... Redemption You see, I'm one of the few. The unlucky. The shamed. First-hand, I will find out what it will be to repeat a school year. Yeah, I'm staying back. Its the kind of slap in the face life gives you where you have to laugh in humility. Especially when you open the letter and it says, "Dear member of the Class of 2011." It was formerly 2010... Out of the eleven credits I needed to get into Junior year, I only got 8.5 credits. That's bad. This year, I have to actually hit the books. I have to actually study. I have to actually care. Ain't nothing going to get away from my goal of graduating this year. It's gonna be one heck of a 180 day ride... ~AA
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I miss a lot of things. I miss working. The sun's rays coming down on me as I sweat my butt off doing landscaping, even if its simple weeds. Sweating going down my face as the day peaks at a hot 90 degrees... I miss the money I earned. Eight dollars an hour and no taxes in between because its somewhat under the table. My dad would get the check and cash it in, hand me about 300 dollars and I feel upper class for five minutes. Fifteen twenty dollar bills? It feels great. I miss having lunch with a lunch box. A sandwich made with turkey, ham, mayo, the works, and most of all, mom's love. I miss learning how to do things. How to make walls, how to lift heavy objects carefully, how to fix the small problems before they become big. I miss waiting for the day to end so I can come back home and go online to talk to friends. The anticipation for the weekend, the two days I have to spend with who I want if I can (so the weather chooses). I miss my dad. I miss him. I don't know why. I know I love him. I can admit that thanks to Necro in this entry. I guess ever since I yelled at him, its been let out. Like I actually have forgiven him. Maybe because I've been bottling it up this entire time and with it, a grudge. I think... I think I'm going to apologize for what I said to him. ~AA
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Currently, right now as I start writing this it is 2:50 PM. Here in Kamchatka, Russia its 7:50 AM. Why am I in Russia? It just got to the point where I don't count the number of hours I've slept or how late I stayed up. I'm going by time zones. Last night was BAD. After waking up at 3:30 PM and going about my day routinely (which was easy since I live on BZP now <<) I try going to sleep. My eyes hurt from reading my book and the lack of light with it, so I figured that was enough. But my biological clock was like, "Why you wanna sleep? You haven't even been up 12 hours yet. Its like, 5 PM." "No, its 1 AM, and everything around me shows it. Dark out, mama's snortin', computer's off and I ain't watching TV." "You're bored, do something." "I'll shank you." "You mean yourself." "I'm becoming schizophrenic." "But those with schizophrenia don't know they're schizo." "But if I deny it, I'm leaving myself open for the accusation." "Heck of a rut we ran into, huh mate?" "Shut up Jack, you may be one of my personalities, but you aren't called for right now." Jack Sparrow... don't ask. I decide to go back on my computer at around 3 AM, for what reason, is unknown. On AIM, I find a conversation with Janus, who's experiencing my problem (the sleeping part, not the not/not schizo) and after I said bonsoir (I got bored on the comp with no one to talk to and nothing to do) I returned to bed, continuously thinking about just everything going on in my life right now. The Father/Son hiatus, school, the reason why I'm up, et cetera. At around 4 AM and going on my computer again ( ) and going back to bed again ( ) I look outside to the sky, see if I can count the stars... I don't see no stars, only the big one that separates night and day, the freakin' sun. I curse under my breath (or maybe it was full on not caring who heard me volume) and started thinking as to where my body was in the world. I knew it was on the western side of the world, with Europe, Eurasia, and Asia, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I'd thought I'd make educated guesses at shoot for either England, Israel, and Japan. I started laughing in sorrow as I heard the morning commute starting. At 6 AM, I decided to see if a different location would help. The couch was option 1 out of 1. I throw myself on it, and in the most uncomfortable way, sleep. Around 8 AM my mom finds me, and in my Smeag & Niki feeling (10 points to anyone that gets that) I explain to her I only felt asleep at 6 AM. Love my mom, she cares so much. I felt worry in here. <3 mi madre. She told me to sleep on her bed, and if you know her mattress, it'll put you to comatose in under 10 minutes. Boom, out like a light I go and I wake up at 2:30 PM. My eyes are still sore, and I feel like its 10:30 AM. Oh wait, if you look here IT IS. I'm gonna take some Advil PM tonight, I really the KO. ~AA
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You remember the 'I Miss' entry I made on Monday. Well, I asked my mom to call him, see if he wanted to talk to me. He said he wasn't ready to talk to me, that he was still upset at what I said to him. My mom had mixed feelings herself, she wanted me to talk to my dad and apologize, and when she heard that from him, she was a bit ticked. The fact he was upset over that, when he's done so much more worse to us. I'm truly confused as to what to think. Just right now, my mom got the mail and with it, a letter from dad. She opened it as I watched, showing three checks. One of the 140 dollars he owed me (he had to borrow some money momentarily to settle some debt in his bank account), another one for 56 dollars being the money I earned last Monday (the day before the... you know... thing), and the Child Support check for 180 dollars. I feel like he's settling his debt to me and getting rid of me. I fear it'll be a month or more until I hear his voice again... ...Sometimes I wish I can forget about him. ~AA
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Many people from our old churches think that my dad left my mom because she's fat. My dad left my mom because a woman came along almost 15 years younger than him and convinced him that he wasn't in love with my mom (Apparently he left mom now and not sooner because we were born and wanted to wait until we were mature enough to handle it, whatever that means). My sister and I were talking about mom and how she might become a train wreck someday soon. In less than five years, my sister plans to move out. In five years, I'm going to be 21, so there isn't a doubt in my mind I'm bouncing out of this place too. So, no husband, no kids... Just an apartment, alone. No one to come home to. We can get grandma to live with her, but she could pass soon. That would destroy mom even more. We want her to date, but she's been too heartbroken since dad to try. She says she can't find a man because she's overweight, which shouldn't matter. Aren't the best men the ones that don't care for appearance (much)? Like me? BZP chicas, PM me. My sister told me of one time she went to the salon to get her nails done. The one doing her nails knew my mom and sister well as they were frequent customers. Next to her was a mom of a childhood friend of mine. They said hi, yada yada yada, then she asks, "How your mom?" Sis answers, "She good. She's doing great." The nail salonist goes, "Her mom is very pretty now." "Oh, she lost weight?" My sister couldn't believe what she said. "No, she looks the same," Answered my sister. "Oh, guess she hasn't woken up yet, ya know?" After mom had me, the doctor prescribed her medicine (I dunno why, but she needed it) and said the meds will either make her lose a lot of weight, or gain a lot. Obviously she gained. Since then she's been trying to lose the weight, shich is seemingly impossible. Diets, exercises, full time commitments! The weight stuck. Now, people think its the reason my dad left her. My dad lived with her like this for almost 15 years; he got used to it, though there was a point leading up to the break up he said that she wasn't taking good care of her body (moron). Just please people, being overweight and obese should matter to the naked eye. Appearance is important, but not something someone should shoot down. I mean, if you want to lose weight, go ahead. If you want to look good while being fat, then look good, while fat. Hey, even Sir Mix-A-Lot said he liked big butts, and he said he was telling the truth. Personality and mind is good, appearance? I seen too many people obsess over it, and they are the most stuck up group of people you shall ever meet. Don't judge a book by its cover, a computer by its monitor, a person by their color, age, speech, or body weight. ~AA
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Its been rough since the break-up, I'll admit. I mean, Wrack said it best that time heals all wounds. So don't worry about me. Because ever since, almost everyone close to me is trying to get me back in the dating game. Taki, Ryuu (those of you that know her), my sister, my sister's friends, my dad, my friend's dad, have been stressing how I should get back in the game. Said game would be simpler to get back into if I didn't live in the biggest town in the United States (<-Which is fact) when I used to live in the smallest town in the state. ------------------------------------------------------- I got my old job back for the summer. Working with dad as a maintenance man, and the occasional fellow employee. Got $320 for the past two weeks, and I finally feel like middle class to upper middle class. Plus, I can buy a Diet Pepsi at every opportunity. ------------------------------------------------------- Shut up and get used to the dash lines. I'm losing my blogging groove. ------------------------------------------------------- I have a prayer request. My childhood friend, Fernanda. Used to go to Sunday School with her. We used to live in the same 'hood. Her, her sister Jessica, and I used to bike around. Love her like family. She's 16 and pregnant, and is getting married to her 23-year-old boyfriend. ~AA
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The following took place last night (July 3rd). Its been edited by staff member Kohaku, and double-checked by Makaru to make sure it stayed well within the rules. I forgot to press F2 for the time of each IM, but keep in mind, the further it went, the longer it took for each IM. bionigirl: I know...I'm late. I'm very sorry. Jon Batista 91: its alright =) bionigirl: Carnival tomorrow. This one guy I met that lives down the road keeps asking me. bionigirl: I hear that there was something between you and some other girl? bionigirl: Care to tell me about that? Jon Batista 91: yeah... Jon Batista 91: I had this small crush on this girl way back in my old town. Before you and I we're in a relationship, I had a thought in asking her out. I just recently talked to her on AIM and I found out I still have a small crush on her. Half of my conscience wanted to ask her out, the other half slapped me in the face and reminded me of who I really loved. bionigirl: Hundreds of miles away. Jon Batista 91: since then (last night) I've been thinking about it. Jon Batista 91: I felt like I almost took the same steps as my dad bionigirl: Jon, can I ask you something serious? Jon Batista 91: yeah bionigirl: Have you ever thought about breaking up with me? Jon Batista 91: never! Jon Batista 91: My only fear is you breaking up with me Jon Batista 91: and me cheating on you. >< bionigirl: Haha. Jon Batista 91: I was watching the news the other day Jon Batista 91: and they had a segment on the warm weather and show a clip of the beach Jon Batista 91: during a sunset Jon Batista 91: every sunset I see, whether in real life or TV, I always think of you there at my side as we watch it bionigirl: Is that healthy for you, Jon? I read your blog, I talk to Phil. You love me, and you know I love you. But...you love me so much...well, I love you...It's just hard to understand where you're basing your love. Jon Batista 91: I don't know... Jon Batista 91: When we were talking back in November, I found you as the perfect girl Jon Batista 91: funny, smart, wise, and beautiful bionigirl: You make me sound like a mother. Jon Batista 91: XD Jon Batista 91: well, I always imagine us together Jon Batista 91: and I just want to show you that I love you Jon Batista 91: so everything in that blog Jon Batista 91: is just me venting how I long for that day we see each other in person bionigirl: Tell me about the girl. Jon Batista 91: back in Maynard, we talked to each other through friends, and I always found her fun and cute Jon Batista 91: she grew up, and became a lot of things I'm not Jon Batista 91: so I stayed away from her a bit, but I talked to her Jon Batista 91: she's got a good personality, yeah Jon Batista 91: and she's attractive Jon Batista 91: so basically my conscience stopped the hormones from kicking in and doing the wrong thing bionigirl: But, why were you tempted to ask her out the other day? bionigirl: I know it's probably embarrassing, but could you explain that a little more? Jon Batista 91: I wanted to go out with her, and get lucky Bionigirl: Jon...I want you to be happy. Jon Batista 91: I am happy Jon Batista 91: its just being a boy at 16 that stinks >< Bionigirl: Jon, I want you to be in a normal relationship. With dates and kissing and fights and expressible love... Bionigirl: Yes, that's a word. Jon Batista 91: but Karley... Jon Batista 91: I'd rather wait to have those with you Bionigirl: But how do you know? Bionigirl: How do you know you'd rather wait? What if...what if there's someone out there actually better than me? Bionigirl: Because trust me, I'm a pretty messed up gal. Jon Batista 91: lol Jon Batista 91: I like a girl with faults Bionigirl: When it comes down to it, no matter how much I love you...I can't stand to think about how much I'm keeping you from. Bionigirl: You obviously know where I'm going with this... Jon Batista 91: yes... Bionigirl: You know I love you. But...we're kids. And life isn't easy. I can't stay in any actual relationships because of my moving around constantly, besides you. And I know you'd want me to pray about this before I made any decisions. Bionigirl: So every night I prayed. And every night it became more clear to me that I'm hurting you, even if you don't realize it, by loving you and keeping you to myself. Because while I want to be loved, I care about you so much that I don't want you to have to be "alone" without me forever. Jon Batista 91: so you want to break up? Bionigirl: So if that comparison you made was correct, I feel like in the way that I will sacrifice the love of my life, the most amazing, selfless, wonderful, talented, loving, cute, adorable, and strong man that I think about all day, because even though I know this hurts (trust me, I know), I want you to live and go through trials and experiences. And if after that you honestly say you haven't been happy without dating me, then we'll consider where we're going. Bionigirl: But yes, Jon. I do. But I'm not a total heartbreaker. I'll let you say every negative though, the worst things you're thinking. I want you to not restrain yourself. Jon Batista 91: why do you have to be so smart? Bionigirl: So I don't get shot when I'm not looking. Jon Batista 91: every love song... It was you. Every moment I spent talking with another girl, you were there controlling me... and I never felt alone in a room when there was you, staring back on my Zune background Bionigirl: By the way, my hair is red, now. If I can sneak you a picture, I'm sure you'd enjoy how funky it looks. Cassey messed it up. It was the last time I saw her. Jon Batista 91: I'd like that... Bionigirl: I want you to have the...honor, if thats what you can call this, of doing the deed, Jonathan. Jon Batista 91: the deed? Bionigirl: The breaking up... Jon Batista 91: thought so Bionigirl: Wait... Bionigirl: before you do... Bionigirl: *kisses Jon with her heart* Bionigirl: Okay...you can do it now. Jon Batista 91: Karley Jon Batista 91: many nightmares were there about what would happen on this day Jon Batista 91: unfortunately, they were more visions Jon Batista 91: I don't know if the dreams of us together in the future were visions as well Jon Batista 91: but I pray so Jon Batista 91: but today Jon Batista 91: we're only friendss' Jon Batista 91: find another boy Jon Batista 91: someone you can stay with Jon Batista 91: be happy Jon Batista 91: if you happened to get married, I'm not sure I'll be there Jon Batista 91: but I will live my life knowing that you're happy Jon Batista 91: so today, you are not my girlfriend Jon Batista 91: nor am I your boyfriend Bionigirl: I'll always love you, Jon. Don't ever doubt that. But I want you to have a life...try to love without me. Jon Batista 91: thats as easy as trying to live without a beating heart Bionigirl: I feel bad, Jonny. You know I do. Jon Batista 91: I know... Jon Batista 91: you know Jon Batista 91: I don't think there's a song for this one... Bionigirl: Phil'd know. Bionigirl: I'll be online during the summer. We are gonna stay friends, be sure of that. Because it's the only way to get through the pain. Night, Jonny. Talk to you soon. Jon Batista 91: night Karley... " we're only friendss' " part was probably the hardest and longest time I took for three words to get out. I was drinking a Diet Pepsi at the time. It tasted like what it exactly is; chemicals. I emptied the can and threw it on the ground. I've shed my tears. Twenty-four hours later, I put on a fake smile and spend time with my mom. We watched Wall-E. It was good. Took my mind off things. I usually recover from initial shock of trauma within the first hour. Still recovering. My hands always feel heavy thinking about it. Pepsi is no longer sweet to my mouth. Makes it dry for some reason. I wonder if she went out with that guy down the street yet. I want her to keep her mind off me. She's beautiful, she'll find a guy in a second. Looks like I'm back in the singles game... But I forgot how to play. I'm just gonna end this entry now... ~AA
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Tonight was fun, really. And at the end, educational. This year was filled with click flicks. Sex and the City, What Happens In Vegas, etc. Though once every year, Hollywood makes one movie that justifies everything for the male side of the race. Last year's was 300. This year's... WANTED. Full review on it, later... The end of the night, after my dad and I eat at UNO (Rattlesnake Pasta, no jalapenos por favor) plus grab some things from CVS (I pronounce it completely. Cv's.) he talked to me some in the car before I step into the lobby of the apartment. He asks a few things just about everything I've done or am going to do, and we part ways. I told him about my new routine, which is going to the park near downtown and play baseball with the guys I've known my entire life. I tell him I first got into it because of Saulo. Saulo, I've known for as long as I remember. He's like another dad (and a freakin' good one too) to me. Love the guy. He's fun, he's nice, I've worked with him too before working for my dad last year when I was around 12 or 13. He was great. I truly love the guy like family, never done me wrong. So when I tell my dad that Saulo invited a couple weeks back to play ball, he starts going on... He say's that after the whole thing, Saulo started to treat him much differently. When he was driving around, he saw Saulo pass him by going around the corner. They obviously saw each other. My dad waved and said, "Hey, Saulo!" and Saulo gave him the cold shoulder. A complete ignore. Turns away, and keeps driving. Another time, they were in the same aisle at Home Depot, and my dad greeted him like before, and the cold shoulder. Saulo's aware of everything around him. He doesn't wander off in thought, he pays attention to many things. Dad goes on to say that Saulo shouldn't judge him for leaving my mom. He says that he should mind his business, because someday he's going to need him and he will give the cold shoulder to that. He used a Brazilian expression, "You can't plant beans and expect rice. You can't plant apples and expect to get oranges." After some trailing off that topic and me FINALLY leaving his SUV, I told my mom this, and she said the following: "Saulo use to look up to dad when he was a pastor, like dad was a great guy. After the thing, he was broken." It seems that my father broke more hearts than I thought. Sometimes I wonder... Sometimes I worry... I'm afraid, really. I have bad daydreams where I consider the concept of what if I done what my dad did to my future wife and kids? I even talked to Omi about this, a little. I told him I'm afraid to be a dad. If I have a daughter, I don't want her to be the high school my mom. If I have a son, I don't want him to be an alcoholic, pot smoking, druggie or drug seller. I don't want him cutting his wrists when he's super stressed. I don't want him to a fool. Nor my daughter. Those are the two biggest fears in my future life. I sometime think that I should spare my wife and kids the trouble. Never get married, never have kids, nothing. Live my life, and move on to the next (<-too Christian for ya?). But Omi said I should take the risk. There's a chance I won't do what my dad did, and there's a chance I won't have that happen. His words are encouraging, but the fear still lingers. Especially with how good of a friend I apparently am with everyone. I believe when someone asks for something, give them twice of whats expected. Hendrick, friend of mine back in Maynard (mentioned him once before), talked about how good of a friend I was because I bought him lunch at MickyD's just so we could stay the place and talk. Friend of mine, Kory, says I'm amazing sometimes. Lluvio said the same. Now what would happen if I pulled a Dad and break all their hearts? I feel my betrayal of you all coming. I know it. I feel like one day, at the peak of life, when everything is going great... I got wife that loves me, I got the kids that want to be me, and I got the friends who never want to leave my side, that I'll commit one single action that'll break whatever foundation they had with me, and it all goes to heck. My dad did that. Eventually, I'm pretty sure I will too... ~AA
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Because so many of you have absolutely no idea who Bionigirl is... I did this for Dok via PM, but I guess it all of you need to know. Back in 2003, I was playing in the first Code: Lyoko RPG in the Completely Off Topic section. During that time, I grew up as a writer and as an role player, and thank it for it's creation, for more than a few reasons. The best? I met her. BZP member Taki had a friend who liked Code: Lyoko as well, and had her come on BZPower to play in the RPG. We talked very few times as the years went on, but in all the conversations, they lasted for quite a while. Last year, I felt horrible. Life was going now the drain, I was becoming an introvert yet again, and I was moving back into a town I've got some bad blood with. Taki, now my best friend and brother in Christ, knew someone else with difficulties in their own life. He gave me the AIM screen name, Bionigirl, and I put it on my buddy list. She IMed me first, so obviously Taki suggested me to her as well. We talked, we laughed, we shared moments with each other, and we both realized one thing: We felt love. It was strange, I'll admit. I've had many crushes (and I mean crushes </3) on many girls in the past. A few relationships, but I broke them because there was no spark. It wasn't true love, those past relationships. Now, I'm talking to a girl in Illinois who was as sweet as an angel, and felt like a gift from God Himself. Within two days... long-distance relationship. I talked to her regularly, and with a few bumps on the road taken away, we finally hit a mountain. You see, Bionigirl is in foster care. When she was younger (about 13), her parents abandoned her and her sister thinking that they were doing drugs thanks to her brother trying to save his own hide. Many other problems occurred, and they put her and her little sister in foster care. They were adopted, for a time, and around December, she was taken from her parents and put into foster care yet again, thanks to her original parents wanting her back (they lost the case, but were able to get her out of the foster parents' home). Ever since, she's been going to different orphanages and foster homes across the states (not Alaska or Hawaii). So here we are. Once in a great while, she'll be able to get her laptop back from lockup and find some miracle to connect to the internet, and talk to me. Like today, right now. =) ~AA
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I know this girl that claims to have visions in her sleep. Yeah, I know. YEAH, I KNOW. (I guess that fits any initial reaction) She says that she has random visions of events that are going to happen. She said she had a vision where I would walk in while she was taking her History exam so I could finish my exam. Sure enough, it happens. She had a vision of me giving her my AIM screen name (though didn't see what it was) and I did. After those events, and when we talked some more, she told me about this. Truly, I didn't believe a word of it. But more thing stuck on me like a grenade with superglue. She said the night before I told her about Bionigirl, she already knew who she was. Which was months ago. I started asking questions, chasing for answers like a dog running after a treat tied to a string. What was I wearing? Where was the location? What did I look like? I was wearing a royal blue shirt, location unknown, and I didn't look any older or much older at all than I do right now. 'I wanna say this year," she said. So, after discussion after discussion later, she invites me to hang out with her and her friends (all guys. She's a tomboy) today at the Natick Collection. Longest I've ever spent in the place with this much enjoyment. Made new friends. Paul, The Chill. Ryan, The Con-Artist. Raf, her boyfriend (and fellow Brazi). Jesse, The Hippie. And this kind-of stalker guy I had to stalk for a minute to get him off our backs. Apparently a friend. I think it's Joe...? Hmm... I grabbed my Historian amigo Josh along for the party. Mall's the last place he'd be, but he seemed comfortable enough. Well, we had plenty of fun in the mall. F.Y.E., Spencer's, food court, Irish store, JCPenny's (we hung out at the recliners for like a freakin' hour in total. We came back after the food court again), Food Court (the return of the recliners!), CVS, caught Stalker Joe, and the food court again. It was five hours of having a good time. Strange right? Not a hitch. HA. The entire time, in my ROYAL BLUE American Eagle shirt, in a very public place, I'm looking around, I'm glancing at every girl's face, looking for any similarities that might occur. The only chance of this is on what was believed to be A VISION. Half of me is saying, "It's crud. Don't worry about it. Have a good time, stop looking for her because she isn't there." The other part of me is saying, "That her? No. Darn... ... ... H-Nope... Ugh... Where could she be?" After my 5 hour search plus fun, Kory leaves, shrugging off that Bionigirl hasn't appeared (sigh) and I wait for my ride with Historian Josh, Paul The Chill, and Stalker Joe (who for some reason is still here). I decide, considering its been a long while, and I'm depressed beyond belief, and considering my ride's with the Historian, to leave my things with him and take the money I have left and buy a De-Caff Diet Pepsi at the D'angelo's in the food court. As I walked there, I saw this girl... Dark hair, white, punk-ish, and looks like her, got in line for MickyD's. The entire time I'm in line and D'angelo's, I am staring at her. "Is it her?" My heart was racing. I got my Diet Pepsi, and made a slow walk towards her. As I walked by, I called her name loud enough for her to hear, being only four feet away. "Karley?" No response. I turn back to my direction, keeping one foot in front of the other. I sat back down, without a word to the guys and waited for Josh's dad (my ride too) to get here. I turned and saw the girl again. She wasn't the girl of my dreams. She was my false illusion. It was Satan playing tricks on me. I heart is crushed, my mind's tired from the excitement of the entire day, and I wished the Diet Pepsi had something in it to KO me, if not lethal poison. I've been off the rest of the day. My report card comes, I'm smacked in the face by summer school and three F's, I lose concentrated thought on problems I should help with (sorry Tee) and I've been increasingly swearing. Lord knows the times when I'm not swearing. When I'm engulfed with His presence, or talking to her. I've unfortunately haven't been to church... And it's been months since I've directly talked to her... DANG IT, ITS HARD TO CONTINUE, BUT I LOVE HER! And I won't give in. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not at the end of the world. ~AA
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What I always notice in emotional times is that you gain much experience from it and the solutions to solve them that will help you answer others when they ask for help. I just got asked too many questions and I felt a lot of stress. I didn't want to admit it, but I was stressing out from all the questions asked and it was driving me towards... When, blowing up like a firecracker. When I'm stressed, I become nostalgic (its a first time I used that word). I just think of times of the past but in the future. Like this: Small urban town, a couple of motorcycles, three of my guy friends, Bionigirl, a home, three meals a day, we rely on an alternative fuel so the economy is up, a 20 oz. Diet Pepsi only costs a dollar twenty-five, and every weekend, my friends and I go to the movies, and church on Sundays. That's what I call paradise. It gets me mad when I believe I'll never get that, and soon all I want to do is nothing but watch the TV (then I'm angry at commercials for taking so long) and be on my computer. But always, always, there is a demand for me to do something, like chores my sister is too lazy to do. I soon become a perfectionist. Yesterday, I spent all evening and most of the night looking for a Vista Theme for my Windows XP. When I downloaded the program, I never knew where to go from there. There wasn't any directions, but all the comments below from the people that downloaded it were saying "I love it!" a tiny complaint, but the good out-weighted the bad. That brought more frustration. A good night's sleep helped the storming mind I had calm down. I'm good now, but I'd rather not do that again. << I finished cleaning my room so my mom could stop bothering me about it, and it sets a good aura. The sun's out, I'm not being bothered currently, and I'm listening to some hardcore. The song suggestions helped. Thanks guys. ~AA
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Right now, there is some kind of stress in my life I never before faced (never being in this position) and I have a lot of worry over a few friends of mine. Right now, I'd like it to be between me, Taki, Tee, and Bionigirl. A lot of it has to do with the very fiber of my being, and a lot of mental thought must be placed for this. All I ask for is some prayer and maybe a few song suggestion to help ease the pain. Thanks guys. ~AA
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The past six days have been... average? I basically did what is what seems to be a peaceful routine. Go to school, talk to friends, have conversations going through multiple topics, and a skill to be able separate the wise from the false prophets. The wise will know what to say and with meaning. The false prophets are those filled with knowledge. The only catch being they have an opinion or observation on it. Like Mr. McNeill. Speaking of the man, let me show you my conclusion as to being taught by him for well over one hundred days. HOW TO BE A BAD TEACHER: React on emotion. Well someone ticks off Mr. MacbethMcNeill, he will make them either submit under their own will when they don't know enough English or when they do, leave the class. Thats not bad, thats just regular teacher justice. If I had it my way, I'd give the ol' fashion Latina mama butt-whoopin', and I know what those felt like. Those told you "Yo no carro again!" Instead, he turns to the class and says "Congratulations, _________ has just bought you all an essay. I want an essay in MLA format, rough draft, final draft typed and double spaced, due this _______." I chuckle in disbelief. You shouldn't do that to your class. I don't care if you have the right or power, you piece of ####, you're reacting upon emotion. Thats stupidity. You aren't doing your job, you just want the rest of us to suffer from one person's disagreement with you. Another thing. Two weeks ago, he gave us a grammar packet. Each night, the homework would be to do whatever he assigned us to do. I didn't do it, of course, not in retaliation but I've bombed English 10 like Hiroshima. I could have done all my homework for this term, aced the final perfectly... and he would still have trouble deciding whether or not he'd recommend me for summer school. The F's of the past mark you like scars, people, don't forget that in High School all you middle school graduates. What he did, because he felt so right doing so, was have the class take a quiz... Together... He had us seated at our desks (he lets me sit on the comfy chairs he has because he still thinks I have a pilonidal cyst described here. Thats right, I'm not embarrassed by it anymore) and goes randomly from student to student asking them to define terms that would seem so simple if he didn't want the answer to be 100 per-freakin'-cent correct. "What is an adverb Catarina?" "An adverb... um..." "No um's, minus one." "What?" "Go on! Answer the question!" "Um..." "Catarina..." "An adverb is-" "Minus ten points." "What?!" "You were suppose to say 'An adverb modifies an adjective, a verb, or another adverb. Pat! Come on, moron! (<-calls Pat that regularly. Pat doesn't mine I believe) For half-credit, what is an adverb?" So on and so forth. But the biggest catch to this? He took it off the percentage of our last grade. Say someone go a one hundred on their last grade and that was the only thing keeping them passing for the year. We went down 70 percent. So that assignment was at a 30. Which is an F. With what he was doing, I was building up a storm inside, ready to let out an argument enough to shut him down like a five-star restaurant with rats. What did I care? I'm failing this class worse than anyone else, so why not? I refrained to do so because he would've taken points off for the rest of the class, who have worked hard for their grade. Two people were already failing at this point. Otherwise, Mr. McNeill is just another guy with a lot of knowledge and an opinion on it. Plus, he can keep up a good conversation. ~AA
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Songs I listen to on the treadmill: Far Away by Nickelback Thunder by Boys Like Girls On Top of the World by Boy Like Girls Ocean Avenue by Yellow Card The Rock Show by Blink 182 All. Love. Songs. Suggestions greatly appreciated. I think I've found a drive to my Summer Marathon, you know, something to keep me going. I imagine myself in one of the most popular marathons among athletes, The Boston Marathon. When I was a tot, my parents brought me to the marathon as it crossed through our town, and when we lived in the ghetto, it was only a block away. The runners run 26 miles in the cold, sometimes raining, sometimes against mixed showers, in the cold to prove only one thing: that they could do it. I've never, ever thought I'd consider running the marathon. For the past three runs on the treadmill, I've imagined a prize at the end of the 26 miles. Her. I don't care about no cash prize or finally being the dude to beat Robert K. Cheruiyot (winner of the last Boston Marathon, and I believe all the other ones. You know him as the Kenyan with the funny shoes), or proving to myself that I can do it. All I do is imagine myself running down the final stretch, sprinting, only running because I know she's there, and Robert K. Cheruiyot and I are neck and neck. The people are cheering, my Zune is blaring, Robert is making these loud puffing sounds that are annoying and he arms are moving so fast his sweat is hitting me which is completely disgusting, I got a cramp in my rib, my knees are killing me because the Mueller Knee Braces have met their days back at Heartbreak Hill, and my throat is cold from the frigid air. I'm sweating buckets and my body is constantly screaming swear words at me with each beat of sweat. As me and multi-time marathon winner close in on the finish line, kicking it up a notch with a sprint, I see one face running out of the crowd. My body forgets about the pain, that, or my brain put those nerves on hold. I pass my competitor, about to think home the victory. I was going to make history. My name would be in the papers, the TV, across the nation (even for a short 15 minute segment), and all over the state. She goes under the tape for the winner to cross, and runs towards me. I slow down, and pick her up in a swooping hug, feet away from the finish line, and we kiss for the first time. Robert passes the finish line, taking the wreath woven from olive branches and the money, and wins yet another Boston Marathon. But... I got the girl. We cross the finish line, hand and hand, and after a shower, I take her out to lunch. Sure, my body's exhausted and I'll want to sleep forever, but I am NOT going to miss my first date with her! ~AA
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Got to say, My Chemical Romance rules my playlist on my mp3 right now. Most songs from one band, topping Breaking Benjamin, Simple Plan, 2Pac, Boys Like Girls, and LostProphets. Total of six songs... I might as well buy one of the albums... Back to the actual entry. Woke up at 7 AM this morning to attend my new church. Trying to get the whole groove of it because it's much different than the small church I had back in my old town. In my old town, we went to multiple passages in the Bible to understand the sermon. In my new church, not so much. Maybe five verses, an example in real life and the point is made. Though today I tried meeting the youth group today, though I actually ended up in I believe she said the smallest class, and the youth co-pastor(I'm guessing) wasn't doing too good. A for effort, F for everything else. Especially when she said something that completely contradicted what was said in the Bible. >< Whoa boy... After church, we (I go to the church with my friend Thiago and his family instead of mine) go to his brother Diego's apartment complex for a cookout and pool. My apartment building had construction on our pool, so I dunno if it's open now or what... So, like an genius I am, I eat sausages, beef and some pork with rice, plus seconds. And home-made ice cream. Though before then, I had some of their rice cakes... Not bad... healthy... something to munch on... Be gone in two days, but still... Gotta get my hand on those things. I go to the pool after an hour and a half after eating (Exploding cops in GTA IV is worth the wait) and do three backflips/Sentons/Swantons, race Thiago a bit (he sucks XD) and call it a day. Long story short, go home, get ready, go to the gym to begin the first day of my Summer Marathon. My gosh, I was sweating buckets. Never have I ran a mile on a treadmill and had sweat going down my forehead! I'm in worse shape than I thought! Well, thats gonna change, now isn't it? I'm going to continue my diet and exercise, at least try and remember what kind of commitment I'm trying to set here. I guess I'll take this as the one sweets day ~BD~ talked about. Oh, and one last thing: *shank* is my thing! No one *shanks* but me! ...please? ~AA
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The Summer Marathon is going along well. Two nights ago I had to run two miles instead of one because I missed Monday (sister and mom took it upon themselves to stay out all day <<) and I'm back to a regular basis in the SM. I just desected a frog. Apparently I'm the only one with the willpower to continue. Everyone else was shanking the frog but me (how ironic) and as soon as we opened up the stomach, I was basically by myself for the rest of it. Meh... Ah well. My hands smell though... stupid gloves... Gonna wash them at the end of this entry. A lot of my girl friends (not girlfriends) asked about Bionigirl. I've explained it so many times I can repeat it in my sleep, but she stays in my heart... I'll wait for you. Why must public school education become harder before the summer? Seriously. Oh yeah, Finals. Anyways, not much to note other than MCAS. Yes, had MCAS again. It was annoying. How so? Two reasons. 1. Biology. Bombed the test like the class. I'll be taking it again next year, I know it. 2. Kory. Kory is a good friend of mine. She's a Japanese loving white girl who's actions are that of a cat. More like a kitty. After I finishedbombed the test, she came up the my desk (located at the front of the class so there's room) to quietly annoy me but in a good way. We wrote notes on my notebook to each other, mostly me yelling at her for tying my shoes together, tying my shoes to my desk, and tying my shoes to together AND the desk. Needless to say people were looking to us for entertainment as I'm mentally tortured by her. And she kinda ruined my first doodle in a long time. Was making it for Bionigirl, hoping she'd see it on this blog, but there will be other times. Just to know she can read this makes me happy. Wish I could read hers but hey, at least I got this deal. WHOA! Guy in my class just now opened an air compressor a bit and I got up cautiously, heart beating and my body was still choosing which to use: The Fight or Flight fuction. That scared the crud outta me... Well, bell's gonna ring, bye y'all. ~AA
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I plan to exercise constantly as to get in (literally) a better shape. I'm overweight, not obese, but I will admit, I got more flab than anything else on me right now, and when I look at myself in the mirror with my shirt off, belly round and manboobs included (not extremely people, come on now) I don't want that. Now before, I was in much better shape. In June 2007, I started running in the woods to lose baggage and to look better to appeal to the opposite sex. Exercise, eating healthier, wearing clothes that made me look thinner (Hollister). Now, I have a girlfriend that loves me, and I love her back, and motivation started losing its grip. Christmas comes around, and thats the end of the story. FORGET ABOUT IT. Today, it is June 1st, 2008. I vary from 225 to 230 pounds, like I did last year. October 2007, I weight my lowest that year at 210 pounds. Twenty pounds in five months. This year, I'm aiming for lower. By the end of this year, I plan to weight 200 to 210 pounds. And the weather will help. Week 1, June 1st-7th. One mile run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 2, June 8th-14th. One mile plus half run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 3, June 15th-21st. One mile plus half run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 4, June 22nd-28th. Two mile run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 5, June 29th-July 5th. Two mile run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 6, July 6th-12th. Two mile run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 7, July 13th-19th. Two mile, one half run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 8, July 18th-26th. Two mile, one half run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 9, July 27th-August 2nd. Three mile run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 10, August 3rd-9th. Three mile run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 11, August 10th-16th. Three mile run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 12, August 17th-23rd. Three mile run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 13, August 24th-30th. Three mile, one half run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Week 14, August 31th-September 6th. Three mile, one half run: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Extra running for self enjoyment will NOT be counted. Diet Plan: Avoid fast food at all costs. Eat half plate at dinner. Different fruit. Milk and cereal(low sugar). Avoid candies, sweets, et cetera. Small popcorn and Diet Cola at theaters. Thats this summer's checklist everyone. Let's hope I do well. ~AA
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Today in Biology, Tito decided to throw this piece of dust on my sweatshirt probably about the size of your thumb. Immediately, the guys around me demanded that I snuff him right there for such disrespect. I didn't, and I brushed the dust off which made a big mark on my chest and continued to brush it until unnoticeable. One continued to tell me to snuff him for Tito's disrespect, but in a joking manner with some seriousness. Lean back and brush your shoulders off... I'm not disrespected easily. People dumped milk on me, threw things at me, insulted me (calling me stupid is a soft spot though) and swore massively. It isn't that bad. Not the sticks and stones bit, but the 'Tip of the Iceberg'. Though, as I pondered this on the way home, I found out how quick it is to disrespect me. My sister talks to me, et cetera et cetera, then slaps my chest while I have a thin shirt on after just taking off the sweatshirt. The weather man fooled me with his talk of today being a cool one. Their was sweat on my chest. If you slap skin with sweat on it (or water) it stings. "huh!" I say quietly but with scorn. And she slaps me in the mouth. I promptly push her away. She threatens to call mom and tell her, and I tell her to go ahead, because she won't be surprised. Why? Let me give you a list of words that occasionally come out of our mouths. Slit Bass Witch Bam Freakin' (if you want to call it a swear) Bell Wrap You think saying muck is different? So after telling her that mom wouldn't do anything, she goes over to this computer in my room and begins unplugging the monitor. I pull her away, she yells at me, some arguing, I don't remember the words exchanged but certainly no swears, and she slaps me across the face. Now last time she did this, I slapped her back and got in more trouble for it. I don't care how old she is and if she's my older sister and knows more things. I love her but hate the things she does sometimes. She should have the same amount of respect for me as I do with her. So my tongue slipped a word I say in school (as does everyone else. YOU TOO TAKI, NECRO, NUKORA, KOHAKU, maybe B6, CA, maybe BFAHOME, G1, and ET CETERA!). A slap is justified? Then shouldn't everyone on primetime or in PG-13 and R Rated movies have cheeks beat red? So, instead of this disrespect, having to deal with her (crud), I said I'm leaving. I put my sweatshirt back on, grab my Zune, and walk out the door. I walked out of the apartment building, I walked off the area, onto the other side of Route 9 where there was a sidewalk, and continued to put one foot in front of the other. With the change from the lunch money I have, I buy a Diet Pepsi and a half mile away, going on crosswalks and waiting for the short period of time where no cars are passing, and continue walking on Route 9. I pass the local Wallgreens... the Bank... The State Police Headquarters, Car Dealerships (nice Limited Edition Mustang, Ford), the Brazilian Buffet, Jordan's Furniture, Wal-Mart, Uno's, and I go into Natick. I cross the route and head for the Natick Collection. I go inside, short distance to what I just did to get anywhere, call from American Eagle (and pick up an application) and tell my sister I'm here and I'm going to walk back. She tells me she's going to pick me up, still in disbelief I walked from one end of Framingham to another, and thirty minutes later, I'm headed home. And to top it off, she says this: "You're an cool dude." "Thanks."[/response to filter] "You're not helping." <-As in the anger for one another currently. Go home, get back my monitor, and I drop in on BZP. Talk to Nukora a bit on AIM. Called my mom after that and told her I'm home. She was worried, not angry. Maybe a little. I dunno... Well, guess a five mile walk did some good... ~AA
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My Memorial Day Weekend was... fun. Saturday was a beautiful day. So beautiful, I wish I was where the tornadoes were. Its a guilty feeling. I always wanted to know the experience of being at Ground Zero of a tornado disaster. Its a horrible thing to go through I'm sure. Keep them in your prayers... I was called up by an old church friend, Saulo. He was a second father to me when I was younger, now more of a good friend. He always invited me to play baseball (and keep in mine we're Brazilian Soccer Natives!) when he remembers, but before I usually had something else planned for the day. Saturday though, I had nothing to do, and I now have a growing love for baseball. Love the sport... That basically wraps up Saturday in a nut shell. Sunday was GREAT. Ended beautifully too. I went back to my hometown Maynard for Fellowship Sunday at church (service followed by lunch, maybe a movie, a game of Scribble...) and right after finishing my lunch, I said goodbye and headed downtown... After passing by some familiar faces, and finding out that both my good friends Tom and Josh weren't home, I decide to try one more person... Casey was on his grass driveway, finishing up washing his family's car. We talk and et cetera, like the good old days. In a nutshell, I spent the day with him, and found out about the exercise play Wii Sports can bring! Love boxing... After a good fun day, I head home and talk to the girl I've been dying to talk to. You know who you are. *coughBionigirlcough* Yesterday was nothing short but a day to think about the future, as in today. The entire weekend this was the main thought. What will happen on Tuesday of May 27th? Nothing. Absolutely nothing related to the last entry. I guess the prayer worked. Thank you everyone, and thank God. ~AA
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Whatever path God wants me to take, I won't have much of a choice but to take it... Because I might be expelled. Just... A lot of prayer please. Its hard to laugh or smile without some love. ~AA
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I step through the gym door and pushed him out of my way. Jeremie pretends to care. This is the part where he provokes me. After going inside the supply closet to get my racket for badminton (I know right? Of all sports) and get locked out. I struggle a bit with my friend Danny inside with me to get the door open, which Jeremie and gorilla Jack are on the other side, keeping it closed. "All right, I can wait." He opens the door. After studying Jeremie, I concurred that he's a simple-minded boy who enjoys annoying others and getting on their nerves and feeding off of it to look better. He chooses the ones he believes are 'lower' than him. He chose me. He's a fool, truly, and I long for the day he reads these words. Someday he will. Someday. He considers me his friend, but I don't. I consider him everything I told you just now. We play doubles in the game. Danny and I pair up and faced my good friend Amber and her partner (name slips my mind). Amber is a black girl from Palm Beach, here with her relatives because she's on probation. (Most of my good friends are or have been on probation. Don't judge them quickly). She's nice to me, and her attitude is mostly positive (unless we ask of things of her past) and she always makes me laugh or put a smile on my face. Right now, I think I have more female friends then male friends. The girls I'm friends with are either funny or I make them laugh. God forbid any of them wanting a relationship... more on that later... After beating them, the feeling in my heart returns. It has been with me since the morning. Play This Fire Burns by Killswitch Engage now. Danny and I are challenged by Jeremie and Jack to a doubles match. "I'm gonna actually try," Danny said to me with a smirk. He dislikes them both, though not a seeker of revenge as yours truly. "Hm. I'm just waiting for that moment." "What moment?" "You'll see." We start off strong, getting a four to zero advantage immediately. Danny's on fire. Soon enough, Jeremie and Jack start picking up momentum, though Jack being the weaker link of the pair as I am in our team. Danny played this last year, but I only learned how to play yesterday. Not that I even like it, but it gets fun if you can laugh at yourself and in a kidding manner blame the other teammate (like Danny, he laughs when I do. Gonna miss him when I become a Junior). After a bunch of screw-ups, and somehow Danny doesn't count the points (I paid attention, and we won, but that wasn't exactly the most important thing on my mind) and apparently they won after screw-ups by yours truly (which I blamed on Danny). Jeremie again, in my eyes, makes a fool of himself by running around celebrating. He's jumping around swinging his racket, and then he taps the basketball rim and comes towards me. He takes his racket and hits me in the butt. That exact moment, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards me as hard as I could, pushed away... BOOM! Right in the jaw goes my foot! He falls down, shocked and brain still moving around his think-headed skull. You could hear the bottom of his jaw snap with his teeth above. And you know what's the best part? » Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «I DIDN'T DO ANY OF THAT. Yes, I played you. What happened really was right after that whack to the butt via racket I got from him, I chased him. He obviously ran, thinking its a game. I was thinking on my feet, and it could only benefit me. As he ran, I thought of the way he never took me seriously. So what to I do? Pretend like I'm going to kill him. I shout at him, letting out whatever instant aggression I can manage to show. He slows down, worried I was about to pop him in the face (which was the plan) and wanted to compromise before I did anything violent. I pushed him once he stopped too for dramatic effect. I love me. I swear at him more. My classmates look around at me and Jeremie with an 'Oh ####' look on their face. Ms. Sowa, our gym teach, comes up, yelling at us (and tells me to stop the swearing) and brings us out into the hall after I called him a disrespectful #######. I speak loudly in the hallways about the matter, and Ms. Sowa tells him: "Listen, if someone tells you to stop doing whatever it is that you're doing, then STOP." She demanded he give an apology but I wasn't about to give this up so soon. "Sorry Jon. I apologize." I take a second thinking. "And what about Jack?" "I can't say he won't do it himself." Of course he will, he's your pet. "Could you tell him?" Sowa steps in, tells us to go back in the gym and calls Jack to talk in the hallways too. Amber came up to me and hugged me and told me to calm down, all the while with a smile on her face, and tells me to give her my big Brazi smile. She's so nice and funny, I had to give one. After class, a couple of the girls asked if I calmed down yet, and I reveal that it was all play; it was either act or actually kick his face off. Not sure if they believe me. Ah well, I'll take care of that later. In the next gym where the locker room was (locker room door locked, we stand outside till a gym teacher opens it) was Jeremie and Jack sitting on the benches. Jeremie, in general, calls me a (w)ussy. He still doesn't believe I can reach his head. The ignorant fool... ~AA
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We're in Manhattan, New York City. The air is cold, the snow hasn't fell, and Christmas was going on with or without the traditional weather. The Bar and Grill was packed. The warm air, the fake wood settings, the music in the background no one is listening to, and not to mention the food is great. My mom, sister, and I sit next to the entrance, next to many people we don't know but hey, its Christmas. Some of my friends are around, but only the ones I barely talk to. Juan just walked out of the bathroom, Steph is on the other side of the restaurant eating with her family. Judging by the big smile on her face, she's having a good time. I then see him at the table next to hers, alone, looking at me. Ignoring it was hard, but I tried my best. He was the last person I wanted to see on Christmas. He comes behind my mom, surprising her, and pulls up a chair. He starts talking like nothing happened. My mom and sister are without facial expression. The words coming out of his mouth were amazing. Amazing in a way that he's actually got the guts to say it. "Dad, if you don't leave now, I'm going beat the #### out of you." "You can't do that!" He laughs, "I'm your dad! You couldn't hurt me!" I get up from my seat, pushing the table in front of me. "You want to go, #####? Huh? I'll kick your ### right now!" He looks surprised, almost like he didn't understand. I stand on my seat, jump over my mom who's blocking my way out and I ask the question again. He gets up and tries to leave through the door. I kick him between the legs unsuccessfully and then reach my arm around and punch him in the privates. He stops, absorbing the pain and backs into the side of the door with hinges. The effect of the shot was still there, and I took advantage. I punched the right side of his face. Felt like I did nothing. I did it again. Nothing. Again and again, I continued it, letting out every ounce of hate I had to him for that night. Two years I've been waiting to do this, and I finally got him. I stopped, and he goes to the door instantly and disappears in the darkness of the night. The Explorer rode down Manhattan like all the other cars, peaceful and causally. Sure, there wasn't any snow, but no one was openly complaining. The flashing lights on the other lane instantly told me the story. My mom finds a bridge connecting to the other side, and I already know what happened. The police grab me and push me to the side of a building and interrogate me, somehow knowing who I was. I answer their questions, and I'm let go. The next day, during breakfast in our hotel room, I asked how dad was after the accident last night. Sis told me why he was drinking. He was drunk because he thought the only person in the world the still loved him now hated him. Mom told me he purposely drove into the other car, in an attempt at suicide. He succeeded. I go outside the hotel building and start screaming in sadness. It was my fault. All of it. I go on my sister's laptop, head onto BZP. My blog has changed. Somehow my account was hacked and a noob was having a field day humiliating me. Go on AIM, IM Kex, ask him to tell B6 to ban me. I log off, and never sign on again. I woke up. It was 1 PM. My mind was rushing. Did it happen? I spent the next five minutes on the bed, still thinking. It felt all real. My mom beeps her car outside, and I move the shades, window being right next to my bed. I go downstairs, open the lobby door for her, and she's a little angry I was still sleeping. We go into the apartment, I give her the story in short terms, and I cry. I cried, and cried and cried. I killed my dad in a dream, on Christmas 2008. I had my head on her shoulder as she hugged me tight, continuing to tell me it was only a dream. I felt like I did it. Was it just thoughts in my head or desires of my heart? I have yet to crack a smile today. I don't think I want to. I can't look my mom in the eye for some reason. Am I ashamed to do so? I don't think I can look at anyone's face right now. I just can't. ~AA
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The passed few days have been the definition of a hollow week. Yes, I just made that term up. It speaks for itself. Use it. I, as usual, think, go to school, temporarily go into a coma, make myself look like the the kind of guy you look forward to seeing in class and never hearing from again, come home, talk, and continue my day gaining body fat as I drink a fresh bottle of Diet Pepsi which I miraculously was able to obtain. A social life. I wish I could have a social life again! For any of you out there hating the fact you live in a small town, love it. Because everything is so close, no friend is too far, and if you got the money, the local restaurant is one of your favorite hang-outs. In bigger towns, they'll ask you five minutes within the first conversation, "You smoke?" To which I reply, "Nah man. Straight edge." "Oh." Social life in big new town (I've technically grew up in as a kid), ciao. Seriously now, its the saddest thing that for the past 90 years, destroying your body is the most fun a teen can have. I might as well put a .357 on the side on my temple a pull the trigger or learning how to fly off my apartment building's roof (the key is to throw yourself at the ground and miss apparently...). Accept with alcohol, marijuana and everything else in between, its a much slower process. I had a research paper to do on alcohol (who said I did it?) and I was surprised and happy to know the truth about alcohol's effects on the body. It's literally a poison people. But I heard plenty of stories... the one that stuck out was at a party, girl passed out and threw up, so they stripped her down and throw her in the shower when the true fact is THEY SHOULD HAVE SEEK MEDICAL FREAKIN' EMERGENCY. These aren't myths. Truth sucks, thats why we have lies. I have to say, I'm glad I sacrificed my social life to stay straight edge. For the past two days, I've been strongly tempted and attempted to kick two certain classmates right in the jaw. Yes, I was planning to do it. The past two days. Jeremie believes that I can't kick up to his height. So I told him to step back and brought my foot to where his jaw was. He said that was up to his chest. But then again, it wasn't the karate kick I've been practicing with. Roundhouses aren't really my cup of ###-whoopingtea. What Jeremie and his gorilla amigo Jack do now are 'love taps'. Where they slap me in the butt as if we've been friends playing sports since preschool. First of all, I hardly know the guy. He and Jack have no right to do that to me. I don't know after our talk he'll actually take me seriously, but if he doesn't, like those love taps I'm gonna take a shot at one of their jaws when they least expect it. I don't care if they're being friendly after the love tap, I'm gonna introduce him to some size 10 and a half Reebok plus one foot attached to a Brazilian leg. And if you know Brazilians, you know our kicks. ~AA
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Today and yesterday... The finger to it all. I'm just not in a tolerable mood. I can't even stand -Ihu- right now. Still surprised his ### ain't banned yet... While getting breakfast at Panera Bread, my sister and I got my mom a gift in the form of... An Edible Arrangement. Needless to say she was surprised once we walked through the door. Jaw dropped with a gasp. Happy moment. Then the fire alarm went off, for the second time that day. My mom was at a level of (ticked) off I have ever seen. We go outside the apartment building, get inside her Explorer, talk and eat our lunch/breakfast/brunch. This alarm was taking a long time and so were the firemen. After a total of twenty-five minutes, instead of fifteen from the 4 AM one, we go back inside, eat the fruit off the edible arrangement, and I head on BZP. Two hours pass... Another fire drill. "Are you kidding me?!" Came a cry from the living room by my mom. She goes inside my room, the ear-pitching sound of our alarm running through our once peacefully sound area everywhere. She tells me we have to leave again. I laugh and continue my BZPing. After some time, I go out on the porch, and being on the first floor, listen to the tiny group of our neighbors below. The fire truck, yet again, comes by and talks to the officials. The alarm is off by ten minutes. "See you all at 2 AM," said a man in the crowd. Everyone laughed, or at least chuckled. Later on in the night, I watched 'What Happens In Vegas'... funny, but nothing really funny. Iron Man has better laughs than this one. It was a grin and a chuckle after another. And I forgot the fact that its a romantic comedy. Today, I wake up at noon like I did yesterday and got ready to go out with the family (mom and sis because we all know about my father) to the Old Country Buffet about a half hour away. After an hour of waiting for my sister to get ready, we leave. Once there, the line stretched about thirty feet and another twenty for people waiting for a table. We decide, "Screw it, lets find another place." Although finding a different place to eat with a tight budget isn't easy. Especially since Friendly's had Coca-Cola, and the waitress gave me a refill of the regular, not the tolerable diet. I don't complain to waitresses for two reasons. One, they are really busy most of the time (and the place was packed). Two, you should never mess with the people that handle your food. This is a checkpoint for all you people that only skim my entries. We start heading home, and unknowing to me, they decide to go to the Natick Collection (big mall) and we happen to drive pass the all-to-recognizable direction to my old town of Maynard (which was where Extreme Makeover Home Edition took place on TV today) and I, already annoyed at the fact that I should have been home by now, start getting homesick. The entire time of the ride, two motorcyclists were in front of us. One in a Harvey, the other (a wild guess) a Kawasaki. Looked like they were friends. The had me in reminiscing mood... I use to imagine my friends and I, the Amigos, with motorcycles when we were older. Just the four of us. We use to bike every summer together, for the fun of it. Occasional races, going down the roads as fast as we could, me literally playing in traffic. It was the closest we got to summer happiest without going to the beach. Maybe it was summer happiest. Those memories lasted the most. I hope I never forget them. The guys, the bike rides, the stops at each others houses, playing baseball, basketball, whatever. Those guys were awesome. I love'em like brothers. The trip home lasted too long. After the mall where my sister didn't buy anything (prices for shoes these days at a size 9...) we head home. Un-freakin'-fortunately, roadwork (to put in new asphalt) is being done up the entire section of our part of Route 9, with our apartment complex on the other side. We had to drive an extra three miles up the highway to turn around and take the backroad. Even better, my sister wanted to go to CVS (which we passed getting onto our part of the highway) and get some things. After thirty minutes of this cr(ud), she buys her things, I redeem myself from the Coca-Cola eariler with a Diet Pepsi and we take the backroad to our apartment. What a day. Also, I got more bad news. I am almost 100% sure I'm going to stay back a year. I got a lot of anger at many people, things, and including myself. I feel like my book has ended. Like the last scene of the movie already played and I'm leading up to the bad sequel. You know those movies where the protagonist dies at the end? Lucky... All I want are my friends, my bike, my town, and my girl. And I feel like I'll probably never get to see any of it in the foreseeable future. And I got school and Mr. McNeill tomorrow, only to have the man call me a fool. I already know this. This time, if he pulls anything, I'm telling him to shut the #### up. ~AA
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I woke up officially this afternoon at 1:10 PM. I was on my mom's bed with the phone next to me, for my mom called this morning at 9 to attempt to wake me up and remind me that my appointment with Doctor Kennings, a surgeon, to see my condition (I'll give you a hint as to what it is, in War World II it was called 'Jeep Rider's Disease'). The appointment is at 1:30, twenty minutes. Jump get up, brush my teeth, pick the clothes to wear, go to the bathroom, and decide to do a quick shave. Since Wednesday, considering I wouldn't be doing anything social, I let my 5 o'clock shadow grow out into a very dark version of peach-fuzz. I slap some shaving cream on my neck and a bit on my cheeks, and make chin straps. I must say, they look good on me... I think I'll keep them until otherwise. After showing up four minutes late and doing some paperwork, I get into the office, he ejects some local anesthesia to numb the area of the infection(first time and I thought I would get temporarily KO'ed), did some procedure, patched me up, and I was on my way. Glad he did the anesthesia too, because my friend's mother had a cyst (<-another hint) too, only in the back of her leg, and she said (because without anesthesia) it hurt worse than giving birth. I come home, pockets filled with information on the thing, take a Tylenol to reduce the pain, and hop on BZP. A few hours pass and my dad comes by for our weekly night-out together (because he has the right to do so, says da law) and we go to the Natick Collection. 'Speed Racer' doesn't sound like its worth the time, and seeing some of the reviews, it wasn't. Good judgment on my part. [insert big, cocky, I-one-upped-you HA! here] Got my mom her 'Thanks For Not Getting An Abortion' Day gift (Mother's Day to you guys) I walk out of Macy's, and picked up a VERY nice shirt from American Eagle: Love it. Got it for 12 bucks too (clearance is wear its at). As I walked with my dad, I looked down on the floor below in the Center of the mall, and see a girl from Maynard, Sam. Its been a while, so I call down, wave to her, and she stupidly tries to start a conversation when I'm twenty to thirty feet above her. Pretty sure she started talking trash the moment I was out of sight, that being the 'perfect, better-than-you' preppy party girl that she is. Not to mention another one of the Model Preps was there too. Blog Assistants, if you rather this part says out of the entry, be my guest. The Model Preps had a split. Let me give you a character view first. Brooke - Had a crush on her, and got crushed. Then made fun of. Hate her. Hardcore drinker, and I dunno if she smokes, but I do know she celebrated 4/20 if that tells you something. Loves to be mean-spirited and insult behind one's back. Nice to anyone that meets her standards. Kathryn - Formerly sweet and innocent now lost and a tool to weed, alcohol and society, like the people she hangs out with. Unlike the others, she can think for herself but is easily influenced. Very nice girl that fell into the wrong crowd. Use to have a crush on her too. Did the one time coke with Alyssa. Unsure if addicted to said substance. Alyssa - Last year was a rookie druggie. Weed, alcohol, cigarettes, and one time coke (unsure if addicted). She has plenty of experience in drugs now. Immature and has high standard. Would like anybody that would go good with addictions. Ryann - Hardcore drinker, pot smoker. She's pretty on the outside, but inside, another better-than-you kind of girl. Sam - The blondy. The unofficial leader with Brooke. Prefers drinking than smoking. A complete fake. Expect some criticism after you turn your back from her. Brooke and Kathryn were called tools, stupid, and the 'B' word by Alyssa, Ryann, and Sam, and were also called 'scrubby'. Scrubby means unclean, filthy, inferior. You can imagine the reaction. Think is, Brooke and Kathryn didn't do anything that Alyssa, Ryann, Sam didn't. They were practically clones. Every week or two they dyed their hair a different color. They were all tools. Still are, just not friends after that. Now Alyssa, Sam, and Ryann think they're so cool when everyone sides with Brooke and Kathryn on this argument. I hate most of them, so I'm definitely enjoying this... I continue walking with dad, and see another familiar face from a distance. I speed up my walk to say hi to her, but then I see her stop, grab her boyfriend, then drag him into Spencer's, the store right next to them. I'm thinking, "Its like that? Alright then, have it your way." Walk pass the store, went into F.Y.E. and checked the price on a Nickelback CD. We have a weird past together. Mostly her making a fool out of me and this one time I got her McDonald's at the drive-thru using my bike when she couldn't go inside wearing roller blades. Its weird, like I said. After that, me and my dad decide to just cut to the dinner and we head to UNO's for dinner. Gotta say, when I asked for medium well-done when I meant just well-done, I enjoyed it less. I have a confession to make. I really enjoyed this night with my dad. Its weird. I mean, you all read my entries. The story the made me who I am. That one event over a year ago... Ah crud. Fire. Brb. Back. My apartment complex was in blazes... At 4:04 this morning, as in just now, we had a fire drill. Our buzzer was beeping an ear-piercing sound three times every second. My gosh how annoying. The fact its 4 AM and a drill on a Saturday morning where some people, like my mom, still have to go to work when the sun rises, is stupid enough! *angry sigh with a lot of whatever* I get up from this computer, in which I was just starting to get into that deep, emotional state I usually do in entries, walk over to my mom's door, which unknowingly is opening and my mom walks out of the darkness like a freakin' ghost and scares me a bit, we try to figure out what in the he(ck) is going on, and realize that the entire building is buzzing. She grabs blankets, tell me to get my sister (who was in the process of waking up) and a sweater. Grab the one I won from Pepsi (the Mountain Dew Zip-Up keeps me warm, thanks again Pepsi ) and I head downstairs. At this point, I know its a drill. All the doors in the hallways are closed already. I mean, seriously. Head outside the lobby and she some people either heading out or already out, and my sister, mom and I head for our Ford Explorer to stay warm. Its cold people. Because the sun is still shining on Greenland. After the alarm stops and I see everyone going back into the lobby, the we go back in, I make some chocolate milk (WITH FOUR SPOONS OF NESQUICK) and come back here, where I started this story. Yeah. Its 5 AM, I'm gonna go to sleep now... Night everyone... ~AA
