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A/N: Ah, Ask Comedies - one of the most hated comedy fads of days gone by, second only to pie jokes and overused memes. There were so many back then, helping contribute to the reputation of this forum as a den of immaturity, a reputation that still lasts to this day. So why, you may ask, am I going to write one? The answer is simple: I was bored, I felt like it, and it's better late than never, eh? Please understand that this isn't serious. At all. And that contradictions in the canon will hit hard and fast. Prologue - Setting the Stage The Coliseum. The first building to be constructed within the City of Legends, and a symbol of its enduring prosperity. From the horrors of the Matoran Civil War to the destruction wrought by the Great Cataclysm, the Coliseum had stood tall throughout the ages, its mere presence reminding the citizens of the great city that no matter what happened, Metru Nui would recover, and all would be well. To many Matoran, it was seen as but an extension of the heavens, and the pivotal role it played in the function of society did nothing to disprove this belief. "It has not changed a bit since I assisted in its construction," remarked Helyrx as the ancient Toa trudged through one of the Coliseum's halls. Following the destruction of Daxia, the surviving members of the Order of Mata Nui had fled to the City of Legends, hoping to regroup for a suicidal, last-ditch direct assault on Makuta Teridax. Of course, that plan had fallen through, mostly due to the fact that their enemy had unceremoniously taken a moon to the face. It really complicated matters for the Order. Jerbraz had even composed an overly long eulogy for everyone, and with the death of the evil overlord that had held their universe hostage, he had been forced to scrap the entire thing, much to the dismay of a few of other members. Secretly, Helryx was quite thankful that it never came to fruition. She didn't believe she deserved such a dramatic end to her long life. "You helped build this place?" asked Trinuma incredulously, the tall Order agent walking by his leader's side. "I ... did not expect you to be so old." The ancient Toa of Water paused, turning to give her companion an unamused glare. "I will forgive the 'old' remark this once. But yes, I was present during the Coliseum's construction." Trinuma silently let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. He had definitely made a mistake in referring to Helryx as old, but it was fortunate she decided not to take offense. The Order agent remembered the last time Helryx took offense at something. It was horrifying, watching the ocean swallow the Shadowed One's fleet in an overly seductive manner. And then there was that time when Johmak attempted to organise a rebellion ... the other agent still wasn't able to look at seashells without screaming about the terrors contained within Dermis Turtles. "Anyway," he said hurriedly, attempting to change the subject. "What exactly influenced you to host a talk show?" A feeling of dread overcame him. Did he offend Helryx again? No, she was smiling. That was where the dread was originating from. Trinuma had faced up against Makuta, watched colleagues die, and suffer from the non-stop chatter of mutant Skakdi, but this ... this was beyond what he could cope with. Why was his usually serious leader smiling like that? What did the smile mean?! "For generations," began Helryx, in a hushed tone. "We of the Order of Mata Nui have hidden in the shadows, striking at evil through methods such as murdering all who know of Artakha's location, kidnapping people we consider threats so we can use them in the future, and manipulating righteous and headstrong teams of Toa into driving entire species into extinction." There was a pause as she let her words sink into Trinuma's mind. "An unintentional side-effect of our reveal was that all now know of the ... somewhat immoral actions we have undertaken." For once, Trinuma thought he was beginning to understand his leader. "So a talk show will be the perfect solution to brushing everything under the carpet! I shall be 'hip and cool' in order to appease to audiences, and they will soon forget that I lead an organisation that has ruined the lives of thousands (possibly unnecessarily) in order to ensure the survival of the universe!" Okay, he didn't anymore. "So, Trinuma. What are your thoughts?" As the titan stared at the impossibly-huge grin that stretched across Helryx's mask, Trinuma decided that he really didn't want to get involved in whatever nonsense the Toa of Water had come up with. Alas, he would have no choice in the matter. As a ... loyal servant of the Order, he knew he would have to follow along, or his life and dignity would possibly be forfeit. "Ah, it's um ... a stunning idea." ASK HELRYX - PROLOGUE: END.
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Solaris: Hello, lades an' gennelmen. Do not be alarmed by my greeting, I am not another American hillbilly. See, I speak with a British accent.Vezon: So? Who doesn't?Vakama: Yeah. You trying to prove something?Lhikan: Are you insulting us?Solaris: Wait, since when does Vezon have a British accent?Vezon: Oh, come on. At least admit that you always imagined me sounding like a British mad scientist.Solaris: ... Yes.Vezon: Ah, that's settled, then.Solaris: Well, it's a good time for the title, wouldn't you say?Vezon: I say a lot of things, but that crosses a line for me.Solaris: How so?Vezon: Well, I don't feel particularly helpful this century.Solaris: Fine. I'll do it myself. [goes backstage and pulls out the title] Oh, and live from New York it's... DON'T Ask Solaris Vezon: Rip off artist...Solaris: Hello, I am your host, Toa Solaris, and this is my show: Don't Ask Solaris, where I sit by a computer and read your emails and then jabber on about something else entirely while going off on useless adventures.Vezon: :facepalm:Solaris: Ever at my side is Vezon, who can't seem to find which one is the floor, and keeps on making emoticons that can't be used in BZP.Vezon: :thumbsdown:Solaris: Thank you for that, Vezon. Our guest host for today is Malum and our musical guest is The Ineffective Moss Gatherers. Stick around, we'll be right back. Please? PLEASE?[commercial]Solaris: Hi, I'm Solaris, the only sponsor of this show. Please read it.[back to the show]Solaris: Sorry if I appear a bit needy, it's just that I don't have a studio audience and I can't afford a laugh box. That, and no one laughs at my jokes. Not even laugh boxes.Vezon: I'd like to put that to the test. [pulls laugh box out of thin air]Solaris: Well, let me just introduce Malum, because we didn't have enough money to bring in Ackar.Malum: [walks onto stage] I knew that this show was just beginning, but why am I in a garage?Solaris: This isn't a garage, these are my private quarters.Malum: You park your car in your bedroom?Solaris: ... Yes.Malum: How do you get it out?Solaris: It takes a while. It was more of an exercise in responsibility. I wanted to get up earlier in the morning, so I parked my car in my room.Vezon: Compared to me, that sounded like a sane idea.Malum: [looks up] Why is he standing on the ceiling?Solaris: He can't find directions.Malum: To where?Solaris: Oh, down, forwards, to an asylum. Anyways, this is my computer, and on it are... 3 emails. Malum and I are going to sit here and read them, then totally make fun of what you wrote. Then we'll take a break and listen to our musical guest. Have you figured out the joke in their name, yet?Malum: Lessee... Open that email.Computer: Solaris: Why is your face blue?Malum: Well that was just plain tasteless. Try something like, "Because it is."Solaris: No, I exhausted that on years ago. How about, the old commercial break in the middle of a sentence so I don't have to actually answer the question on-air.Malum: That just seems--[commercial]Solaris: Still reading? If you have read this, I'll assume yes. Have you figured out the joke in our musical guest's name. If you need a reminder, it's The Ineffective Moss Gatherers. And no, I'm not giving you a hint.[back to the show]Solaris: --second email.Computer: Solaris: Ah, my old nemesis.Malum: Really? I've never heard of him.Solaris: We had a beef dating all the way back to Metru Nui. But it got old and moldy and we didn't want to touch it because it smelled bad and Kongu blamed me for leaving it out during our fights.Malum: What are you talking about?Solaris: "About what are you talking?" Don't end your sentences in prepositions. And I was talking about the beef Kongu and I had. We also fought a lot because Kongu was a .Vezon: That's some colorful language you have there, Solaris.Solaris: I'm not finished. [five minutes later]Solaris: . There, done.Malum: That seemed a bit extreme.Solaris: Oh, that was the short version.Malum: How much longer is the long version?Solaris: There's only one way I can answer that...Vezon: Oh dear Great Beings, NO!Solaris: But we don't have time for that. Commercial! When we return, we'll listen to our musical guest.[commercial]Solaris: Oh, I have nothing to say right now... I don't at all enjoy pie... Just thought I'd... yeah... Still there?[back to the show]Solaris: Well, here is our musical guest. As they are finishing set-up, I am going to interview the lead vocalist. So what is your name, first of all?Jaller: Well, my stage name is Mick Jaller.Solaris: That is... a really bad reference.Jaller: Yeah, well, a Rolling Stone gathers no moss, right?Solaris: Well, you just gave away pretty much everything. Good going.Jaller: Well, I'm not exactly proud of my band. I mean, we can't even play. I can't even sing!Solaris: I can teach you, you know.Jaller: Really?Solaris: No, I can't sing, either.Malum: So are they going to play or not?Solaris: No, we're calling the whole thing off. It was a pretty hopeless joke with which to begin.Malum: Oh, good. [hops on stage and eats the drummer]Solaris: For what the Karzahni was that?!Malum: Well, when you live in the desert with Vorox, you tend to be distracted by shiny things, as well as wanting to eat anything that looks tasty. Sometimes it's a combination of the two.Solaris: As much as I love shiny objects, I can't just let you eat everyone who walks onto this stage.Malum: [sits back at computer] Okay.Solaris: Last email, then.Computer: Malum: Wait. You're insane?Solaris: [peers at computer extra moment] Appears so. How 'bout that?Vezon: Welcome to the club, buddy!Solaris: Thanks. Proud to be a member.Malum: I'm a bit nervous right now.Solaris: Oh, don't worry. I'm probably just going to use this if I ever go to court. Just plead insanity and they let you off scott-free. That reminds me. Vezon, fire my secretary, Scott.Vezon: On it. [exits]Solaris: Well, folks, it looks like this is all we really have for you today. So check back with us on occasion, because it's gonna get better. I promise.Vezon: [walks back in] That's not saying much.Solaris: Oh, admit that I can be honest, some times.Vezon: Well, when you first recruited me into this show, you said it was going to be "hilarious" and a "big hit."Solaris: Okay, just because no one comes around here doesn't mean that we're over right now.Vezon: You never finish what you start. None of the stories you've written ever had an actual ending. And whose fault is that.Solaris: You're right.Malum: He made a valid point. Should I leave?Solaris: I must find and destroy Kongu!Vezon: That's not what I meant.Solaris: It's Kongu's fault I never finished anything. All these years, he's been sabotaging me. But now I will end it all.Vezon: Well I wasn't alluding to that at all, but, hey, revenge is always fun.Malum: I should really leave. You can keep your 3 bucks.Solaris: Computer!Computer: You need something?Solaris: I would like you to dictate a letter to Kongu. "Dearest Kongu, Kiss my hairy potter! Flowers and chocolates, Solaris."Computer: You've really lost it, haven't you. That wasn't even funny.Solaris: Well, if you know every insult in the book, it is. Well, that's our show. If you would like to guest host with me, put this form in your reply:Name:Species:Powers (if any):Mask (if any):Alignment (good, bad, neutral, anything in between):Description:Background info:Running gag:Yes or no:Solaris: That last field, Yes or no, you either put yes or no, and that's just for fun because I enjoy mind games.Vezon: You just lost The Game.Solaris: I never mentioned The Game specifically. And you just made us both lose. I had a good run going, too. Oh, if only I didn't have a wandering train of thought!Vezon: Not my problem.Solaris: Oh well. If you have a creative musical guest like, say, The Scarabax Beatles, just fill out the below form:Band/artist's name:Names of members:Running gag:Solaris: I would just like you to note that there is a small chance they will sing, not because I can't fit them in, but because it's so much funnier when things go horribly wrong. So just reply with either of those forms and... yeah... Quiet in here...Vezon: Well, I guess I'll have to go out and fund our project. [dresses up like a hobo] Alms for the poor!Solaris: Vezon, that's not going to work.Vezon: How so?Solaris: You have to have some sort of container in which to store your money.Vezon: Right![silence]Solaris: Is the camera still rolling. Cut, cut, CUT!Vezon: We don't have a crew!Solaris: Perhaps I should just go to the insane asylum. At least there are people there who would laugh at my jokes.Vezon: Don't kid yourself. You make way too many obscure '80s references.Solaris: Groovy.Vezon: That's the '70s.Solaris: I know, man. I'm hep to the jive.Vezon: And that's the '50s. It's like having your own time machine. That reminds me, I have to go to the hardware store later.Solaris: Are you building a time machine?Vezon: Yeah.Solaris: Well, good luck with that. See all of you next show.To be continued... Well, at least that's what the voices tell me...
