toajomo Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 (edited) Here is the discussion thread for my fanfic, as per protocol. Feel free to share your thoughts on it! (I know it's not the best, but I'm new to creative writing)Story here: http://www.bzpower.com/board/topic/15351-trials-of-the-shadow-toa/ Edited October 21, 2014 by toajomo Quote If you use correct grammar in your posts (or try hard to), place this in your signature. Join Myst's campaign for correct grammar usage on BZPower! Credit to Click for the awesome Bionicle 2015 spinnie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toa Smoke Monster Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 This is a good start for you epic. You give good introductions to the three Toa shown here in the first chapter. I can see that you're going for a 'Toa Mata' start with them in that they don't remember everything about their respective pasts, and it will interesting in seeing where they go from here. I did find one grammar mistake, and it is: He noted that since the mask,I think this would sound better as 'He noted that since he put on the mask,'. Also, I think you need to space out your paragraph a little more. It's kind of difficult to read some of the words because they are in a large box of sentences. Spacing them out a little would help readers be able to read it easier. Overall, this is a good start for your epic. 1 Quote Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toajomo Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 Ooh! I didn't even see that! Thanks for pointing it out. Quote If you use correct grammar in your posts (or try hard to), place this in your signature. Join Myst's campaign for correct grammar usage on BZPower! Credit to Click for the awesome Bionicle 2015 spinnie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toa Smoke Monster Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 This chapter was better than the first one. I like that you focused on one character this time to flesh him out a bit. And now that two of the Toa are together, we can see how they will interact in the next few chapters. Also, the spacing in this chapter and the last one really help to make it easier to read. There are a couple grammar nitpicks I want to point out though. One is that the names 'Matoran,' 'Visorak,' and 'Rahi' should be capitalized since they are the names of beings and creatures. Its not a huge deal, but its something I thought I would point out. Also, These things Nulehk had learned in the past hour of aimless wandering:I feel this sentence could be worded better. Maybe something like this: 'Nulehk had remembered many things about himself in the past hour of his aimless wandering.' I think rewording it to something like this would help make it sound better. Anyways, this is a good second chapter and I'm very interested in seeing where the story goes from here. 1 Quote Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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