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The Joy Of Painkillers

Posted by Janus , Mar 31 2009 · 240 views

I am staff, Hear me roar


Late. I know.

My plan was actually to have this when I woke up this morning, y'know, a little early morning writing.

There was one flaw in that little plan--I didn't wake up this morning.


With luck I will have another up tonight, because I try not to suck.

This is based on a true story, and yes, it was revolting.

Word count: 819

Enjoy! (I sure did, eventually)

The Joy of Painkillers

Grey clouds rolled in... turning the previously blue sky overcast. I frowned but remained outside, safely under the cover of the large fabric awning above me.

In my right cheek there was still a pulsing pain, one that had almost driven met to tears less than ten minutes ago...but now I held what I hoped was my temporary cure.

I glanced back inside the dentist's office, waving curtly as I began to walk around the shopping complex--I didn't exactly want to stand outside their door the whole time. I mean, how dumb would that look?

And so I set off, walking without any real purpose. It had been years...and I do mean years, since I had set foot anywhere near here. Unfortunately for me, though the outer shell had barely changed, the innards of everything was completely different. It was a bit of a shock returning to a place of my childhood and finding--well, no childhood remaining.

All the while I was walking I could still feel the packages rustling around in my pocket. The dentist had given me four of the things, along with some prescriptions... I had hoped I wouldn't have to use them, but my tooth...or rather, my gum had decided otherwise. I felt the pain emanate from my cheek, felt the swollen gum pulse and spasm and though it stung I allowed myself to ride it through. Then, as soon as it was complete I immediately drew out my cell phone and called my ride--I had to wait about 35 minutes for pickup.

Oh the smile I had on my face. If smiles were upside down, and involved glaring...and looked more like you were angry.

And so my hopes were dashed, my hopes that I would be able to eat a lovely lunch with my delightful painkillers--that way I would avoid that disgusting little "Vitamin" taste, the one that clings to the back of your throat.

However I had come to a point where I could no longer make that allowance. I needed pain relief before I tore out my tooth manually.

With cold and clumsy fingers I reached for one of the packets, small and square and coloured in blue. The plastic rattled as I removed it from my pocket, and continued to crackle as I hastily tore it open. Inside were two blue capsules, oblong shapes with "ADVIL" stamped into the side.

They looked like a bizarre form of candy.

Following the instructions listed on the back I popped one into my mouth--and then my brain simply ceased working. I do not know what it was that compelled me to do this, friends, I do not know.

You see, somehow as soon as the capsule entered my mouth I chomped down. I guess I was hungrier than I thought.

The response was instantaneous: After an almost audible crack, the most vile fluid I have ever tasted flowed out across my mouth, coating my tongue and the inside of my mouth in a disgusting viscous film.

The taste was...indescribable. It was a cross between a large amount of pepper, and some unknowable thing. It was spicy and pungent, it was the most disgusting thing I have ever had the misfortune to taste.

I coughed once, twice, three times. Tears sprang to my eyes and my stomach churned as that vile liquid coated my mouth. All thoughts of walking around fled and I quickly made myself back to the dentist's office, getting there as quick as possible in order to prevent myself from losing the control I had over my churning stomach.

Of course, as is the way with the world, as soon as I entered the dentist's office both of the [u]two[/i] secretaries were busy with other people...just chatting. I didn't particularly feel like interrupting them, however and so I sat quietly in the corner with that sickening fluid burning my mouth.

Then I felt it, some sort of growth on my upper gum, it was semi-solid and stuck to my gums. I panicked. I knew that taking vitamins or painkillers or various other things the wrong way could cause problems, but swelling of this magnitude in one place? It seemed wrong.

And so it was. I prodded it with my tongue curiously and found not engorged flesh, but the slowly melting remains of my painkiller, stuck like glue to my mouth. I almost laughed.

And that's when it occurred to me that I could no longer feel the blossoms of pain that came from my tooth. Though it was the most sickening experience I'd ever had...though I had taken it wrong, though I'd had to suffer through a taste more horrible than I care to remember: It. Had. Worked.

I sat back in my seat, still tasting the vile fluid in my mouth and no longer caring. My tooth no longer hurt.


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Yeah, painkillers of any type: Worst. Taste. Ever. Like, even if you chop it up and mix it with yogurt or something it still tastes revolting. Swallowing them straight makes it so much easier and doesn't leave you gagging from the taste for ages after.

    • 0
Geez Rob, be a man. You just pop it in your mouth and swallow it with a bit of water. Failing that, don't swallow for a little and build up some saliva to help it go down.
    • 0

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