Hitler Dream

Entry posted by Jean Valjean February 12, 2017

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:kaukau: So I had this dream the other night. Hitler and Mussolini came to visit my house, and I was too polite to turn them away. Also, I was curious as to how they were still alive. As it turns out, they wanted to be friends to me. Once again too polite to say that I didn't want to associate with them, I decided that I'd actually be a good host, have a good time, and even befriend this really odd couple. It would be a highly dysfunctional friendship, but hey, I have a tendency to make these things work. I'm a people person. I can be friends with literally anyone.

What actually made this all really awkward wasn't the fact that they were infamous fascists. The awkward part was that Mussolini was incredibly insecure! He was a shy guy who didn't say much, but he warmed up to me because I actually listened to him. He felt bad that he wasn't as infamous Hitler, and wished that people remembered him more. I remembered plenty about him, so he felt comfortable around me, gratified. It would have been a pleasant experience, but he was so needy! He constantly wanted my attention and would take up all of my time. He was like that nerdy kid who idolizes his cool older brother in the geekiest way possible. Seriously, that guy had no life. But, because I was way too polite and pride myself as being able to be friends with literally anybody, I gave him all of the attention that he wanted.

Old Adolf didn't like this. Sure, he's an introvert, but he's an incredibly prideful introvert who desires all of the attention. He tolerated Mussolini monopolizing my time for a while, but then grew sick of it. Mussolini had to grow up and accept that he just wasn't as hip as Hitler. Nobody compares their least favorite politicians to the PNF. Godfrey's law is dedicated purely to the Nazis and only the Nazis. Not being used to being second to little Benito, Hitler grew jealous. This jealousy started to channel itself into romantic feelings, and he started to have desires for me. Eventually he pushed Mussolini aside and took me in his arms, swooping me off my feet and kissing me passionately. He didn't ask, he just did, because true alphas don't need to ask.

As flattered as I was by this, I wasn't quite ready to have a romantic relationship with Hitler. Among other things, I want to run for president someday, and an affair with Hitler would surely sink any campaign. It's doubly scandalous, because it would be an affair and it would be with Hitler. It would be the affair to end all affairs, easily more iconic than Kennedy and Monroe. At least I could say in clear conscience that I didn't kiss him back. It wasn't to hard to refrain. I mean, have you ever kissed Hitler? That guy thinks quite highly of himself, but he's a terrible kisser. Furthermore, as if things couldn't get less romantic, he clearly hadn't showered in over a month.

When I turned him down, saying "Alas, it will never work" (I could have used stronger words, such as "I'm not interested in you," but it simply wasn't polite to say so), he got angry. He started beating up Mussolini and utterly demoralizing him. I had to intervene to defend poor Mussolini, who was completely helpless and had no ability to stand up for himself. In the process, Hitler hit me, and it hurt. At long last, I told him to leave my house. It took a lot to get to that point, but I actually stood up for myself.

This all taught me a lesson, or rather, reinforced something that I already knew: Hitler is a bully, and bullies are bad. So I concocted an idea that would benefit humanity. I invented a device much like Cerebro from X-Men, which would telepathically single out every single person in the world who was a bully, and send out a frequency that would cause their brains to explode. Suffice to say, I didn't see the hypocrisy of this invention right away, and fortunately some concerned family members talked me out of activating it in my quest for vengeance and justice. Out of curiosity, though, I still wonder just how many people it would have killed.

Unfortunately, Hitler's still out there. And Mussolini is still eating me out of house and home. I'm not sure what to do about either of those situations. And it seems indecent to kick Mussolini out, because he just seems too helpless and slightly adorable, in the manner of a pathetic dweeb. If you're reading this, please give me encouragement so that I might finally stand up for myself and stop feeding into Mussolini's neediness. Also, if you start making public exclamations about how bad Mussolini is, his self-esteem might go up and he might finally stop being so clingy with me, so please start decrying Mussolini!

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