Interview: Orca Goblahk, Ex-minion Of Survurlode
Evil Lord Survurlode
Today the Bones Blog brings you a telephone interview with our contact among the Orcas -- the enemies of Survurlode who BZPower has recently formed an alliance with. From a canal in Ga-Metru, let's welcome Goblahk!
bones: Hello, Goblahk.
Goblahk: Hi there. Thanks for the interview.
bones: Why don't you begin by introducing yourself?
Goblahk: Well, My name is Goblahk, and I'm an Orca.
Goblahk: We're former minions of Survurlode -- he thought he should have something like Sauron's Orcs -- but we rebelled and now he's trying to either conquer us or wipe us out.
bones: What's your position in Orca society?
Goblahk: I'm the Official Orca Ambassador to BZPower. As of yesterday, that is, since the Orca Council finally agreed to my request for an alliance -- before that I just went by "Goblahk the Fearless".
bones: Excellent news! What was the holdup?
bones: If it's something they'd rather you not discuss, that's fine.
Goblahk: No, it's just... The Orca Council chambers are hidden on the seafloor, and... well, I'm afraid of the ocean. Took me months to work up the courage to go.
bones: Oh. I see. So that's why you are always staying in rivers or canals like this one in Ga-Metru. That's how we found you to begin with, as I recall. Okay, but now I'm confused. You said you used to go by "Goblahk the Fearless". Yet you're afraid of the ocean?
Goblahk: Well, it's just that, I have a horrible sense of direction. I always get lost in the ocean. I'm afraid of getting lost, by the way. And of sea turtles -- they might seem innocent but I think they're evil beings in disguise. And shrimp. Not sure why. So, I just stay away from those things, and I don't feel the fear. See?
bones: Uh... okay? Well, are those your only fears?
Goblahk: I'm afraid of flourescent lights.
Goblahk: My psychologist thinks it's because I'm distantly related to Orcs, which feared sunlight. But I think it's just the buzzing sound. They remind me of flying bugs. Which I'm also afraid of.
bones: But, you live in the water...
bones: Right... So, what are all these phobias called?
Goblahk: Oh, I have no idea! I'm afraid of phobia lists. I'm afraid I'll get more fears just from reading!
bones: M...hm. Well, I can understand some of those fears, but if you have a bad sense of direction, why not use oceanic maps to get around?
Goblahk: I'm afraid of maps. They remind me of my fear of the ocean. And my fear of mapmakers.
bones: *whistles innocently and takes note not to mention his new job* Okay, well, let's talk about Survurlode. A lot of us are afraid of him, and would like to see him defeated for good.
Goblahk: Definately! Well, I was the Orca that the Chief Gremlin tamed once, and I still get a lot of news from him.
Goblahk: Most recently, he told me that Survurlode was behind that recent virus attack.
bones: The one that we had the front page note about until recently?
Goblahk: Yeah. It's was the Chief Gremlin's idea, I hear. Survurlode found out that Google was going to do that LEGO anniversary image thing, and commanded the Chief Gremlin to come up with an attack. He came up with a computer virus based on his own psychotic personality.
bones: So we weren't actually the main target?
Goblahk: No, but it messed things up for you guys. Also messed things up on my own website.
bones: You have a website? No forums, right?
Goblahk: Well, it did, but I developed a fear of forums, so I removed them.
bones: *whistles innocently and takes note not to mention that BZPower has forums* What's your website based on?
Goblahk: It's a Sea Turtle conspiracy site. Here's the link.
bones: Okay, thanks. I'll read it later. *coughs* Okay, so you know about my idea to enlist your people to help us find the One Refresh - the focus of all Survurlode's power, just like Sauron's One Telephone Ring -- since we've learned it's hidden somewhere on the seafloor. Obviously you wouldn't want to join that. What did the others think?
Goblahk: Well, they weren't as enthusiastic about that. You see, we believe the Orkrana are probably guarding the area around the Refresh, wherever that is.
bones: The Orkrana being the mutated krana Survurlode hopes will mind-control the Orcas, which Gollaga told us about in the last interview.
Goblahk: Yes yes yes! Take the image away! I'm afraid of those things!
bones: Right, sorry. Well, I'll keep searching in my Orange Submarine on my own then.
bones: Speaking of the sub -- I've recently finished taking it around from island to island searching for Pet Peeves that our members identified in our recent Information Gathering Drive, the scents of which Survurlode is allergic to. Someone on our staff told me our engineers and the Orcas have come up with a delivery method for the allergenic weapon. What design did they end up choosing?
Goblahk: Well, the problem was mainly getting it past Survurlode's defenses without raising suspicion. Turns out he has allergenic sensors that basically prevented all of our delivery methods from getting anywhere near him.
bones: Oh dear.
Goblahk: Don't worry. We figured out a design that is guaranteed to work. Market the allergen openly as a food. As cheese puffs, in fact. Survurlode can't resist cheese puffs. We built a fancy truck to advertise it, and bought TV airtime for ads.
bones: Nice! I just might wanna try 'em myself... I love cheese puffs, you know. Who cares about side effects like intense allergic reactions? ... Wow, it works...
Goblahk: I came up with the jingle myself for the ad:
Oh, I wish I was an Allergenic Cheesepuff.
That is what I really wanna beeeeeee!
Cuz if I was an Allergenic Cheesepuff,
I'd make everybody really itchyyyyyyyy!
bones: Must. Eat. Cheesepuffs... I mean, resist!
Goblahk: So we'll bring the Puffmobile to Survurlode's island, and it will drive up to Survurlode playing the jingle, and the side will open up and blast allergenic cheesepuffs at him.
bones: *repeats "resist" in mind six times, then opens eyes* Ah. Okay, sounds like a plan. But, isn't Survurlode currently in the form of an I of Water atop a giant tower? How will he eat them?
Goblahk: Well, that water evaporates every once in a while, and he needs to have plenty to bring forth his floods to swamp servers, so he's got a giant water production facility for all that. We blast the cheesepuffs into the water, and he absorbs it into his Water Tower. Heh, water tower. Pun, get it?
bones: Yeah, got it. I was expecting you to say he absorbs its energy like Matoran, but that works.
Goblahk: Oh, don't mention Matoran. I'm afraid of them. Freaky looking masks and all.
bones: Oh. But you're not afraid of undead skeletons?
Goblahk: Not sure why you would bring it up, but yeah, they terrify me.
bones: *makes note never to meet Goblahk face to face* So, why are you here in Ga-Metru if you fear Matoran? I mean, the city's full of 'em.
Goblahk: It... what? I thought they moved up to Mata Nui!?
bones: Uh... Oh, right! I guess they did! I forgot. *makes note to ask the Turaga to keep Matoran away from Goblahk's canal*
Goblahk: Phew. You scared me there. Much more news like that, and I'll develop a fear of water... That's how my relatives get "beached", you know.
bones: Dang. This phobia thing can be downright unhealthy, don't you think?
Goblahk: *sighs* I suppooooooose...
bones: Well, lemme say this -- with how intense your phobias seem to be, I'm sure all of BZP is grateful that you made the voyage to the Orca Council despite your fear. Our alliance will be very important in the war against Survurlode.
Goblahk: Oh. Well, um... See, I might not have worded that super well...
Goblahk: I actually hired a Sea Turtle to deliver the message for me.
bones: You... what? I thought...
Goblahk: It's not that I've gotten over my fear or anything, it's just, this crazy sea turtle comes swimming up, and I'm terrified, yeah? So I figured it was the best way to get him away from me fast. Took all my money too. But that wasn't that bad. I'm afraid of money.
bones: Well, I don't want to sound preachy or anything -- you're my guest here -- but have you ever considered that maybe you should try to face these fears? Get over them?
Goblahk: All the time! But, well, if I did that, I wouldn't technically be "fearless", would I?
bones: Well... I mean, temporarily...
Goblahk: Oh, don't mention time. It terrifies me. Temporal mechanics, Evil Clocks, all that.
bones: *sigh* Well, uh... I think we're probably done here, unless you had anything else to say?
Goblahk: Just to encourage your readers to spread the word -- Sea Turtles are evil!
bones: Okay then... Thanks for your time...
bones: I mean thanks for your... brilliant insight!
Goblahk: But not brilliant like bright flourescent lights, right?
bones: Right. Well, talk to ya some other time, Goblahk!
[Note: A followup spy report on the Allergenic Weapon attack reports success! Evil Lord Survurlode is gobbling up the cheesepuffs. His I of Water has in fact become a giant blog of orange goo, that is constantly sneezing. For the moment, server attacks seem to be down!]