5 replies to this topic

[Parazan]

Hello,this is my review topic for my new epic,"The leaking".
The epic: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=4327

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I'm not a huge fan of alternate dimensions, but I like how you used the concept here. Having Mata-Nui, Brutaka, Ackar, and a Skrall all end up together in another is a good beginning for this. (But why did you have to kill Brutaka off so early. He is such a cool character. )

I do have a couple things I'd like to point out. One is that you need to add a space whenever you use a comma in a sentence. Also, I think that you could give more details in the story so that it doesn't feel rushed. For example, Brutaka suddenly snapping about the Ignika sending the group into the jungle is kind of feels odd, IMO. You could give a little more background as to why he was so mad about this.

As for spelling errors:

And then,he saw Brutaka,whom awoke,and was,outraged that this had to happen.

This would sound better like this: "And then he saw that Brutaka, who was waking up, was outraged that this had happened."


Anyway, I thought this first chapter was good, but it does need some more details about the story in it to make it even better.

[Parazan]

Well,since Mata-nui wears the Ignika, I MIGHT have him bring Brutaka back to life.
New chapter should be up today!

Edited by Parazan, Apr 08 2012 - 11:14 AM.

[Nevermore]

And now I'll just highlight a few errors for easy correction. But first a word from our sponsor:

Meh.

This dimension, is know as: the leaking.

That would be "known", and "leaking" should be capitalized.

"Mata-nui, you FOOL! If it wasn't for you and your blasted Ignika, we would at least be on Bara-Magna right now. So what if a couple of people died, at least we would be alive(hopefully). But no,now we are trapped in some jungle! Curse you and your blasted Ignika that I was...." The words never come out of his mouth,because

Spaces after commas and before parenthesis would be nice.

"first,you teleport us into another dimension, and then you kill our only hope of escaping out of here! And, to your well-being, we're stuck here with a Skrall!"
"Hey,look: if I was THAT dangerous to you,you'd be all dead already"
"Hush,hush. Get past our differences,okay?" Said Mata-Nui, "The only way to get out of here is if we team up"
At that point,a giant muscular creature,about 6 1/3 feet tall,leaped out of the trees.

Again, spaces after commas. The "escaping out of here!" line would be better if it was "escaping from here!" then "escaping out of here!". The Skrall's dialogue is pretty good, save that it needs some more spaces. The "6 1/3 feet tall" part should read "6 (or better yet "six") feet and 4 inches tall".

"This Matoran, even though none of us might've knew him, we will still avenge him. If only-wait: I have a plan!"

Should be "Even though none of us knew this Matoran we will still avenge him! If only-wait: I have a plan!".

He was running towards Brutaka's body, which there was no body, but just his Kanohi Olmak. Mata-nui put his hands on the mask and out of the ashes came a new being- Brutaga.

"He ran towards where Brutaka's body would be, if there was a body and put his hands on the Olmak, the only thing left, and from the ashes a new being called Brutaga arose."

"A new weapon I have".

"I have a new weapon."

Hope I'm not being nitpicky, this is an interesting story concept and I hope it turns out well.

Edited by MoC1: Technic Gladiator, Apr 09 2012 - 08:15 PM.

[Parazan]

Alright, mistakes fixed. Part three should be a bit longer and actually will talk about the inhabitants of The Leaking and what big of a problem they face.

[Aderia]

(EDIT: I apologize in advance, since you'll probably see this before I get around to fixing the stupid formatting. I spent about 45 minutes writing yoru review, and literally two and a half hours trying to get the formatting to stop glitching out on me. This doesn't usually happen to me. I even had everything for you to edit highlighted in bold and red, the whole shebang. /rolleyes and hate on technology/ I'll try to fix it for you ASAP. Indents were oritinally 'quote' tags that won't work for me, for some obscenely frustrating reason.) Okay, I got as far as I could, whenever I try to change any more tags over, it glitches out on me. Enjoy!

---

Hiya!! ECC Critic here! First off, sorry your review's a bit late in coming, it's taken me a long time to get everything. I spent literaly three hours trying to get the freakin' formatting to work for me. And I doubt it will work for me when I post. So I'll cut right to the chase.

Okay, spelling and grammar nitpicks first, starting with

Chapter One

"Well, look what you've done, "said Acklar, "First,you teleport us into another dimension {...}

"Acklar" to "Ackar", I'm assuming.

"Hey, look: if I was THAT dangerous to you, you'd be all dead already{???}"

Missing period.

"Hush, hush. Get past our differences,okay?" Said Mata-Nui, "The only way to get out of here is if we team up{???}"

Missing period, again.

Chapter Two

"Even though none of us knew this Matoran we will still avenge him! If only-wait: I have a plan!" Mata-nui rushed off and let everyone fight.

Awkward colon placement, I don't think it should be there.

"What should I do,master?" Said Brutaga. {???}"Fight that beast and save my friends" was Mata-nui's reply.

New line between speakers

Chapter Three

"I am Mata-nui, and these are my companions. We come from another dimension{???}"

Punctuation needed

"Ah, another dimension, eh? If so, then the prophesies are true! Come, I am Torik. I shall take you to my village, but first, we need to wake up your friend{???}"

Same thing here.

"You should be glad that you all are still alive. There are all kinds of beasts in this forest. Now, we are at the boundary of the village, and we must hurry to the elder's house, because he needs to see you. Plus, after dark, there are demons that come out of the mountains and kill anyone that is not in the village by the time the sun sets{???}"
And at the heart of the village, they found the elder's house.
"Come, come. We have been waiting for eons for you to come! Your big friend cannot get in, as he is a giant, and he won't fit in the hut without leaving no space for the rest of us{???}"
"Stay outside, Brutaga. You are not wanted{???}"
'Yes, master{???}"

So, by this point, I feel like I'm annoying you with all these nitpicks. If I am, sorry. I just know that if it were me, I'd want someone to point out anything they found missing.

"Come, come. We have been waiting for eons for you to come! Your big friend cannot get in, as he is a giant, and he won't fit in the hut without leaving no space for the rest of us{???}"

Okay, aside from the missing period, this sentence was just really weird. It was kind of one big repetition. I'm not sure if you were aiming to emphasize Brutaga's size, having the same character state in three or four different ways that Brutaga won't fit inside the hut is a bit unnecessary.

"Stay outside, Brutaga. You are not wanted{???}"
'Yes, master{???}"
"Anyways, better off to introduce ourselves. We are the derelicts. This is the derelict forest, named after us. We were all one peaceful species, not daring to get out of the forest, because it is easy to get lost in the red desert, where silver liquids pouring out of the sand that can kill you. There are demons in the mountains. These demons used to be derelicts, too, until they rebelled, and open war took place. They lost this war, and became outcasts. they take refuge in the smoke mountains, more commonly known as the demon mountains. If you get captured by the demons, there is no escape from their mountains. We will talk more tomorrow. Now, we have made beds for you all, including a bed for your giant friend. Now, off to bed!"

Proper nouns, like Demon, Smoke Mountains, etc need capitalized. Also, the word "that', which I bolded for you, sounds like it's been randomly thrown in there, and it's not really needed.

Chapter Four
Okay, before I do anything annoyingly nitpicky, let me just say that when I saw this chapter, my eyes almost fell out. One huge, unbroken paragraph is very intimidating. Breaking it up into smaller chunks would probably be a good idea.

So heavy was the battle that even the Dragon that lived in the smoke mountainsawoke for the first time in eons and killed off hundreds before he was pierced by arrows and fell, and shattered the thin core of the red sand and liquid protodermis leaked onto the surface, killing off many.

Originally, I was just gonna point out the capitalization needed for Smoke Mountains, but then I saw that this sentence was a huge run-on. I don't think it would hurt if you went back and broke it up a bit.

It wasn't until the climax of the battle that Ruju found the Demon king, a yellow, twisted, foul creature that must've been a Derelict that was bitten by a spider and banished from the village. It seeked revenge, and thus, became Demon king. Ruju and the demon king fought for a long time before Ruju stabbed the Demon king. A foul stench filled the air, and then, a giant ghost creature dissapeared from that metallic shell that the demon king was. Then, the Demons became outraged, and held their ground. The demons were winning, until, came in the Eagles of the city in the sky, and killed off Demons like wildfire.

"Seeked" should be "sought", and watch capitalization again.

"Hey" Said Mata-nui "Tell me more about these Demons{???}"

Haha, did you ever picture your critic would be such a stickler for these little nitpicks?

Chapter 5

"No, tell me more about the war{???}"

They were the rangers from the blue moon. The derelicts were just a Biological experiment by a highly advanced civilization to see how civilizations develop over time.

I'm not actually sure about 'Rangers', fyi. Just thought I'd note it

The being's goal was to escape from the iron fist that it was a hostage in.{???} It ran. It saw how energized Protodemis gushed to the surface behind it.

You can probably start a new paragraph there, break up the block of text a bit for your readers.

It saw the forest that was so close. And then, the being was thrown into the air and knocked uncontious.

Another one of your randomly placed "that"s, which I'm not sure belongs. And 'uncontious' to 'unconsciouss'


And now for the fun, more technical stuff. Again, starting in chapter one.

Brutaka, who was nearby fighting a horde of Skakdi.

When I picture Brutaka, I picture a huge, scary, legendary warrior. How does he fight? Is he laughing at the nerve of those lowly Skakdi who dare fight him? Is he battling for his life? Fill your reader in.

He also saw Teridax's giant body, burning.

If Mata Nui woke up in a jungle, how can he see Teridax's giant body burning?

So what if a couple of people died, at least we would be alive (hopefully).

This is part of Ackar's speech. I've never known someone to use parentheses when they're talking, just saying.

At that point, a giant muscular creature, about six feet and four inches tall, leaped out of the trees.

Whoa! Surprise! But truthfully, I'm picturing a shadowy blob attacking them. Is it lithe like a Rahi-panther? Is it huge and roaring like an Ash Bear? Also, on another note, an average Toa is about seven feet tall, at least, and a Glatorian even taller. Six foot four would be midget-y.

Ch.2

The beast leaped onto a random Matoran that was teleported along with the company

Random Matoran indeed. I didn't blink, I didn't feel a thing, when this unfortunate soul met his gruesome demise, probably because he was never mentioned aforehand. If a character's, even a minor character's, death is going to drive the other characters forwards in the plotline, in this case to seek revenge, the audience should be led at least to connect with said character on some level to create a sense of appropriate loss.

"Even though none of us knew this Matoran we will still avenge him! If only-wait: I have a plan!" Mata-nui rushed off and let everyone fight

I'm sorry, but Mata Nui running off and leaving his comrades in the middle of combat just strikes me as very out of character for him.

And fight they did. Brutaga and the beast fought for what felt like hours, and then, out of the dust, came out Brutaga,

Did they fight for actual hours? Were Brutaga's companions aiding his desperate struggle? Detail, detail, detail. Make your readers feel the heat of battle.

"Ah, another dimension, eh? If so, then the prophesies are true! Come, I am Torik. I shall take you to my village, but first, we need to wake up your friend"

Okay, this one may have actually been me missing somehting, but who is this friend being referred to?

And go they did. They walked for what felt like hours, when they saw a house in the trees.

Is the house sitting tucked away between the boughs of a majestic tree, one hundred feet of the ground? Is it sitting in the shade of a solid tree trunk on the damp jungle floor? Again, a little detail wouldn't hurt.

Plus, after dark, there are demons that come out of the mountains and kill anyone that is not in the village by the time the sun sets. {...}If you get captured by the demons, there is no escape from their mountains.

I found these two lines a bit contradictory. Do the demons kill anyone and everyone, or capture them?

"Your big friend cannot get in, as he is a giant, and he won't fit in the hut without leaving no space for the rest of us"
{...}Now, we have made beds for you all, including a bed for your giant friend.

Again, with the contradictions.

Ch 4

a group of Derelicts rebelled against the others

Give me a history lesson. Why the rebellion? How long ago was this?
Also, you mention a Dragon, the Eagles, and Futy. Who/what are they? Where did they come from? Why were they fighting against the Demons?

And nothing really for chapter five.

Overall, I think you have an interesting storyline going for you, but there's definitiely room for improvement. Were I you, I would work on details. What makes your world yours, specifically. What are its quirks and what makes it special?

Also, work on your dialog. Make it flow, so it's not just words on a screen in quotation marks. Make it conversation. If you've listened to people talk, they don't normally talk in huge long paragraphs. Reading and/or re reading your work aloud to yourself before posting it will help a lot with this. It's a great form of proofreading, and you can probably catch a bunch of grammar and or spelling mistakes along the way too.

So keep at this, it will be very interesting to see what you have planned for this epic. Best of luck!

~Adders

Edited by Aderia, Jun 18 2012 - 03:59 PM.