*coughs* Anyway, this is actually a revamped version of a previous epic I had attemped to write years ago. If you guys do remember my old story "Summer Star", then you know what I'm talking about. I lost all the original files I had on my last computer of the old story, but luckily, I still have the written version. But here's the thing:
The original plot was a complete disaster, the characters were underdeveloped (more like flat-characters than round characters, and what's worse was that it was self-insert), the scenes were choppy between dialogue and actions, and the only other thing that could possibly be worse than the self-insert I mentioned earlier? The way I had things written were so out of whack, I didn't even believe that it would be possible in real life if any of this DID happen!
But, luckily, I've finally been working my way through what I should have done when I first started writing. I'm developing the characters more (and the main character is no longer a self-insert, so HOORAY! My first OC!), I'm actually considering the settings a little more and how things will develop (much better than I did before, TRUST ME on this), and a whole bunch of other stuff.
And compared to the original prologue, this chapter isn't even half as long, and the original was just nothing but boring details in the beginning that I could have scattered amonst the chapters! O.o
So anyway, I hope you enjoy this~ X3 And no, I do not own Bionicle! I only own the characters you don't recognize.
The silence was shattered by the sounds of water falling into a pool, the air nearly vibrating with each sound as it reverberated through the colossal chamber. Darkness concealed all but the glowing water source, the dim lightstones barely illuminating the solitary figure seated in a throne made from the bones of a large beast. His armor was as dark as the shadows themselves, leaving his form nearly invisible in the gloom. Even in the darkness his eyes were hard to see, dimmed in deep thought.
A sudden creaking noise, akin to that of a rusted door opening, echoed through the chamber. Even as a smaller figure hesitantly crept in, the larger being never stirred from his thoughts or even moved to acknowledge the new presence. Then, in a voice worn by time, the being hissed, "What is it this time?"
The visitor, a messenger with reptilian-like features, fidgeted a little at being addressed, but recovered as he knelt respectfully on one knee before the great being. "Pardon the intrusion, my lord," the messenger said humbly, his words chosen carefully. "But there is a message from General Koto in the western hemisphere. He believes that he has discovered the clue we've been looking for."
Silence filled the room once more as the lord pondered over these words, the only sound being the resonating echo of the dripping water. Then, in a tone that held a hint of a warning, he said, "That bumbling oaf of a general couldn't find a Tahtorak even if it was standing in front of him. If all my other elite trackers and warriors were unable to find such a thing for seven long years, how could he find it?"
Barely able to suppress the urge to twitch, the messenger pulled out a broken tablet along with a scroll from his bag. "General Koto stumbled across a small rahi that was carrying a coded message. He managed to get it translated, and a part of the message, though partly broken, contained valuable information."
This time, the shadowy being opened a single eye, leering down at the messenger with an icy blue gaze. "Show me the message," he ordered while stretching out a clawed hand. "I will be the judge of its worth…or it will be both your heads."
With the threat clear as day hanging over his head, the messenger stood and moved closer, placing both items into the dark one's waiting hand and taking a respectful step back. He kept his head low in submission, willing to accept his master's wrath yet dreading the moment as time slowly ticked by. With each line he read, the dark lord's expression grew more and more intrigued. Then, with a grin fit for a skakdi, he gave a low, rattling chuckle.
"So that is their game," he grinned in amusement. "Very clever, hiding her in such a place. It's no wonder my men couldn't find a trail."
Blinking in confusion, the messenger asked slowly, "My lord, if I may ask: who is this you are talking about?"
Giving the messenger a shockingly kind smile, the lord said, "We are speaking of the very person we have been searching so long for: my daughter."
Standing from his throne, the towering figure seemed to glide across the floor towards the water, leaving the hopelessly confused messenger to shuffle after him. The pool suddenly began to bubble on the surface, a large object slowly beginning to emerge from the glowing blue-green waters. When it was hovering mere inches above the surface, the messenger could see that it was a huge round mirror, its surface surprisingly dark despite the fact that they were standing directly in front of it. He even noticed that there was a dragon-like mantle on the mirror, its head and neck bent over the top of the mirror to snarl at them while its limbs clung to the rims and its tail spiraled down into the pool.
Lightly running a talon over the black surface of the mirror, the lord said, "Years ago, a child was born. Even then, I could sense the potential she possessed, and she was very special indeed. You could even say that she was a rose amongst a field of weeds. And that rose would become my heir. I raised her, shielded her from the outside world so as to protect her from the taint of the unworthy…until a traitor took her from me."
"A traitor?" the messenger gasped in disbelief. Who would betray their lord and master?
"Yes, a traitor," came the hissed response, the lord's fist clenching tightly as his claws dug into his metal skin. "A traitor went into the child's room while her caretaker was away and took her from my kingdom. The traitor himself has yet to be found, but he will be punished severely…but for now, let us see where they have hidden her."
He waved his hand across the surface and a white image began to form, slowly taking shape as other colors began to join the mixture. Then, a distinct image of a forest of evergreen trees dominated the mirror, snow covering most of the leaves as more lazily drifted towards the ground. "Ah, so that is where we will find her," came the dark chuckle as ice-blue eyes gazed at the surface. "Now we just have to retrieve her, and hope that the infidels have not done anything…permanent. And to ensure that nothing else goes wrong…I'm sending my best agent."
At this the messenger froze, his mask growing horrified as he stuttered fearfully, "M-my lord! Surely y-you don't mean…him?"
A soft, clicking growl suddenly filled the room, causing the messenger to stiffen in shock. Then, before he could react, something wrapped around his ankle and yanked him back, knocking him onto his stomach before he was dragged into the shadows with a cry of shock. No sooner did he disappear did his cries cut off, leaving nothing but silence in the room as the lord continued to observe the mirror.
From the darkness, a black form emerged from the shadows, his poisonous green eyes narrowed as he lumbered up to the other. Clenched in his talons, he held the messenger's mask. In an instant, it was crushed into dust. Then, kneeling down on one knee, he bowed his head in respect. "I have come, my liege," he rumbled in a gravelly voice that seemed to have a dual-undertone. "What is it you wish of me?"
The dark lord glanced over his shoulder at the new arrival, the smile on his face eerie in the gloom as he said, "A retrieval mission. And the 'package' is vitally important."
"Ask and I shall obey, my liege," came the response as a blade-tipped tail swished eagerly behind him. "I will retrieve this 'package' and deliver it to you."
"Ah, but it's not just any package," the lord tisked in amusement as he started to walk around him, his agent looking up at him in confusion as he stopped behind him. "This one you cannot harm in any way, shape, or form. You will be retrieving that which has been lost to me."
Understanding danced in those poisonous orbs as the hunter nodded his head. "The child," he rumbled softly.
The dark lord nodded his approval as he stepped over a still form, moving back to his throne as he sat down. "Yes, the child," he whispered as the hunter stood, facing towards him while still keeping his head and eyes low in submission. "You will go and retrieve her from this realm that she has been kept in. Find the ones that hold her captive and bring me their heads. I want to see who dared attempted to corrupt the little one's mind with lies. Go now, and bring her home."
Bowing low at the waist, the hunter turned to leave. "Oh, and one last thing," the lord added, halting him before he could disappear. "If she has been corrupted to believe their lies, try to act friendly towards her. Make her believe that you are not a threat, and simply guide her judgment against her guardians. There's simply no need to traumatize the poor dear."
"And if she resists?"
A dark scowl appeared on the lord's mask, his eyes seeming to intensify their glare as he said, "Then use whatever means necessary to bring her back."
The hunter gave a nod of acknowledgement, a small smirk on his feline-like face as he stepped into the shadows.
"As you wish, my liege," his voice echoed, his body fading into nothing.
I'm SOOOOOO sorry that this sucked! I'm terrible with writing dark scenes of evilly awesomeness! DX Hopefully my pitiful attempt was at least decent, but if you guys have any advice (or other words that I could use in place of others) PLEASE tell me! It would be much appreciated!
Oh, and just to warn you guys, there ARE humans in this story, but it's definitely NOT what you think. ;3 It's not going to be your typical 'human gets thrown into the Bionicle world' thing, because there's more to the main character than I'm willing to give out. And no, they're not an angel, they're not a demon, they're not a superhero in training, and they're not whatever else you guys are thinking of.
You'll find out more when I get to it. XP
Anyway, please R & R with any tips and let me know what you think! And even if you don't review, I'll still continue this because it's about slagging time that I got this idea out of my head! XP
Edit: Here is the review topic~! X3 http://www.bzpower.c...p?showtopic=532
Edited by Wind-rider of Le-Koro, Oct 15 2011 - 10:54 PM.