Wind-rider of Le-Koro

This was obviously meant to be two paragraphs, but you apparently forgot to put a space between them. There are several other instances like this in the story and it's always jarring, especially because your paragraphing is pretty spot on otherwise.You also misuse dialogue tags, such as here in Chapter 1: People do not "grin" things. They they say things while grinning, perhaps, but they never "grin" them.And in Chapter 2: Same as before. People do not "smile" things. They say things. Wrong tense. "Smile" should be "smiled" (although if I were you I'd toss out "smile" entirely and replace it with a good ol' "said") and "replies" should be "replied. You're writing the story in past tense, not present tense. You have to be consistent with your chosen tense, otherwise it gives off the feeling that your characters are time-travelers when they're clearly not.I notice you tend to avoid using the word "said" as a dialogue tag, which I think is a big mistake. Dialogue tags are supposed to be draw attention only to the dialogue and never to themselves. "Said" has been used for so long it is almost invisible to most readers and so it doesn't distract from the dialogue itself.Not that you should never use dialogue tags other than "said." Sometimes they really are necessary, but in general you should always use "said" because, again, readers don't notice it and at the same time it helps the reader focus on the dialogue and who is talking. Never underestimate the power of "said."As for the plot, it really feels generic. It seems like your basic "Chosen One" story, complete with protagonist who's ignorant of her specialness, people speaking cryptically of her true purpose, and the villains attempting to get her for equally cryptic reasons. I have no idea what the original version of this story was like, but this version feels very predictable and boring, which is something you generally want to avoid in writing except under certain cirumstances.Not to mention there are some plot holes. For example, if Mak doesn't want Tak calling him by his full name while Kira is in the room, then why were they talking about this secret stuff while Kira was in the room? I understand she was asleep and all, but they didn't seem to be trying to be quiet. Why didn't they go talk about it in another room? Why couldn't Kira's mother put her to bed, instead of Mak? Did they think that by talking cryptically Kira wouldn't understand what they were talking about?Your point of view decisions are rather inconsistent, too. The first chapter is narrated by an omniscient narrator, the first half of the second chapter is in first person, then the second half of the second chapter is a mixture of third person limited and omniscient. It's really jarring. You should realy just stick with one particular point of view instead of jumping all over the place like this. Not that you should never mix POV types, but it's generally better to choose one and stick with it at all times than to jump around like this.Your characters, as a whole and as individuals, aren't that interesting. I'll focus mostly on Kira, the protagonist, although considering how she really hasn't done anything to advance the plot, she's more like a plot device than anything. Perhaps she would have become more active if you'd posted more chapters, but as it is she's too, well, "cute," for lack of a better word.The biggest problem with Kira is that the entire world, at this point in the story, seems to revolve around her for no good reason. The bad guys want her, her dad and uncle had a short argument/discussion about her, she has a talking toy that she built, she has wonderful parents who love her more than anything (well, her dad does, at least), she is explicitly called "special" by the main villain in the first chapter . . . honestly, Kira feels something like a Mary Sue.Now, of course, these are only the first two chapters. Perhaps Kira would have changed and become less of the center of the universe as the story went on, but as it is, Kira is supposed to be special but we don't know why. It seems to me you're trying to make Kira likeable by having her act "cute" and have "cute" things and do "cute" things, but just because someone is cute doesn't instantly make them likeable. If anything, I'd say "cute" characters are almost inherently unlikeable, but I digress.Personally, I'd say focus less on Kira's "cuteness" and work more on her actual personality. Yes, she is only six, but six-year-olds do have personalities, even if they aren't as well developed as older children's. Instead of showing her "cuteness" as a good thing, why not show it as something that could get her into trouble as well? Why not show an actual aspect of her personality that defines her apart from other six-year-old fictional characters?Overall, I really do not like this story. It's not horrible or completely bad, but the combination of a generic Chosen One plot with a generic main character and generic villains just about kills it for me. My suggestion would be to think it over deeply and then rewrite the story again. As the saying goes, there is no such thing as writing, only rewriting (I think I got the saying right, anyway).Keep on writing and never give up.-TNTOS-First, thank you for the critque! 8D It's always good to know where I need to improve on and such, and having someone point those things out helps immensely.Okay, on to the response for your long post. X3Thank you for pointing out those little paragraph areas. I don't remember if I copy and pasted it from my word document or from the other site I had it posted on, but it'll be an easy fix.When it comes to that "smiled" and "grin" thing, I think that might be something leftover from when I was still young at writing. When you put it that way, it's actually helping me see different ways to word those things.And to sum up the rest of what you were saying, I was actually planning on rewriting it in the first place...or second place as the case may be. XD I wasn't really satisfied with how I had written some of these chapters I have, so I was actually planning on rewriting them. Some of those things that you pointed out, like with Mak and Tak talking in the same room with Kira, will definitely help me when I get around to rewriting them.Also, I'm rewriting some of the character profiles I've got to better help me with these things, so most likely how Kira's acting now might change, but at the moment I'm not sure, since I hadn't touched this story in a while due to college and other factors in my life. And Kira was never really intended to be a "Chosen One" sort of deal since she's really not going to be killing anyone or revealing some "UBER-ULTIMATE POWER" or some junk like that, but there are some things that are definitely different. But like you said, I've only got a few chapters up, so it's hard for people to really get that sense.I'm actually reading some tips that people have left on the old forums on how to write, so it's a good refresher and it's giving me better ideas on how to work some things. When you mentioned that "inconsistent POV change", I can definitely see your point there (and I found a tip that said something similar), so I think I'll just stick with the third-person sort of deal. First-person's nice when you want to get certain details, but it does tend to throw a lot of things off balance.I will definitely focus a little less on Kira's "cuteness" though. XDOnce again, thank you for the long critique. 8D

Me: *bounces into room with big grin* Guys! It's time to start the next chapter of the comedy! Come on, let's…go? *stares around as Bionicle characters laze about playing games, reading, sleeping, or even arm wrestling* ……guys?Tahu: We heard you, Shay. We just don't care at the moment.Me: But…we need to start the next chapter! And since no one suggested anyone for me to glomp, I have to choose one of you guys!Hakkan: Considering you've already glomped most of us in that old comedy, I don't quite see the point of doing us again. What's in the past should stay in the past. *continues attacking Vezok's character on the Wii*Me: *thinking for a moment before light bulb suddenly appears over head* That's it!! *zips out of the room, the light bulb spinning in the air for a moment before Kopaka reaches over and catches it, replacing the old bulb in his reading lamp before he picks up his book again*Tahu: *blinking and staring in confusion before glaring at Hakkan* If she causes trouble somewhere, I'm blaming you.Hakkan: Wha'd I do?Who are we Glomping? Vakama MetruWhere? Somewhere near the ColiseumThe screen is static-filled for a moment before it clears up, focusing on the Narrator as he taps his foot in irritation. "Where the Karzahni is that girl?" the Narrator grumbled. "She was supposed to be here two hours ago, and we can't even start without her because she has the script!""Do you think she forgot about it?" the camera-Toa asked curiously."I doubt it," the Narrator snorted. "She had it written down on every possible surface of her room so she wouldn't forget. If she doesn't get here soon though, I'm leaving.""HELLO!!""Augh!" he yelled as two blurs slammed into him, knocking the poor Toa of Plasma to the ground.The camera-Toa quickly lowers the view of the camera so that the Narrator is visible with two humans clinging to him. "S-Shay! What in Mata Nui's name was that for?!" the Narrator sputtered as he sat up and glared at said human before pointing at the other one. "And who's this?!"Shay giggled as she said, "We were running too fast, so we glomped you to stop. And that's Mic, which is short for Michaela. She's a fellow Bionicle nut and a guest star!""What's up?" Mic greeted with a smile.The Narrator shook his head in confusion. "Wait…I thought guest stars were non-cannon characters people created and requested that they be glomped for entertainment purposes?" he frowned."They are," Shay nodded. "But I wanted the guest stars to have an option to either help me glomp someone or be the target that gets glomped…or even have the creator help me glomp their own characters. Depends on what they want. I had someone help me last time, so I figured why not this time?"He looked at her for a moment before sighing. "Can you two get off me then?" he asked. "We're running behind schedule with this episode, and we might have to cut off some things to save some time.""Sure," Mic smiled as she and Shay stood up, both of them pulling him to his feet as he dusted himself off. "Sorry we're late, by the way. Shay had a hard time finding me and her printer was acting up when she tried to print the updated script."A stack of papers was shoved into his hands as Shay grinned and said, "Alright then! It's time for time! Let's take a trip into the past~!"Before anyone could even ask her what that meant, everything suddenly seemed to shift and distort wildly, making the other three yelp in shock. "What's going on?!" the Narrator gasped. "Why does everything seem to be getting…rippled?""It's a flash-back," Shay grinned as Mic clung to her with a 'wth?!' expression on her face. "You get used to it."The world shifted and changed colors, taking on more blue and silver shapes before things started to settle back to normal once more. They froze, however, and blinked at the Ga-Matoran staring at them. But that's not why they were frozen in shock. Looking down, everyone but the camera-Toa was hovering over nothing but water from the canals.SPLASH!!Bubbles rose to the surface as a few Ga-Matoran moved closer. The camera-Toa knelt down near the edge and waited for a moment before three heads popped out of the water. The Narrator blinked as he stared at the tail-fin of the fish squirming about, the rest of its body stuck in his mouth before he turned and spat it out. "Next time watch where you're flashing," he growled as he glared at the humans, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand."Sorry," Shay chuckled. "I was thinking about fish for a moment and overshot."“’Oops’ is right,” the Narrator grumbled as he climbed out of the water, shaking himself dry with a scowl. “We’re one Metru away from where we should have landed. Do you suppose we walk all the way to Ta-Metru?”“Oh don’t get your Kanohi in a twist,” Shay told him as she and Mic wrung the water out of their hair and clothes. “Read the script I gave you and we’ll be there in no time.”He looks at the camera-Toa with a ‘why are we doing this?’ look before he scanned the first page. “If you find yourself in the wrong place…draw a box on the ground?” he read aloud, wondering what sort of nonsense this was. “How is this supposed to get us to Ta-Metru?”Shay giggled as she pulled a piece of chalk out of thin air and began to draw as instructed. “Drawing, drawing, it’s fun to do~,” she sang cheerfully, oblivious to the nervous and curious looks of the surrounding Matoran and her group. “La-di-didi-da-doo~! Done!”The Narrator and camera-Toa look down at the image of a cellar door, complete with a ring handle. “Aaaand…now what are we supposed to do?” he asked as he looked at her. “Tap-dance on it and hope it teleports us?”“Oh hush, use your imagination for once!” Shay huffed as she knelt down and put her hand over the handle. Then, with a heave, she somehow pulled the handle up and lifted up the door, revealing a small staircase underneath. “Come on!” she said as she grabbed the slack-jawed Plasma Toa and yanked him and Mic down into the tunnel. “ADVENTURE!” /Somewhere in Ta-Metru/ Somewhere in an alley, lines start to appear on the ground, coming to a stop in the shape of a door. The ground/door was lifted up, revealing the Narrator, the camera-Toa, and the two humans. “Seriously, you gotta teach me that trick,” Mic told her friend as they closed the door, the ground becoming flat again.“Maybe next time,” Shay said. “For now, we need to get back on track. Narrator? Tips, please!”“All this reality-bending is giving me a headache,” he grumbled as he looked at the list. “Our next target is Vakama Metru. Step one: find out where he is without getting caught by the Vahki or seen by a Matoran. Your best bet would be to travel by rooftop, underground in the Archives, or ducking through the alleys. If you can shape-shift or become invisible or even have super-speed, use them to your advantage.”The girls start whispering to each other before nodding, Mic bending down and giving Shay a boost up onto the roof. A few seconds later, Shay calls out in a stage-whisper, “Okay, you’re clear. Head for the next alley two buildings down!”Mic looked around outside the alley before quickly hurrying to the next building with the two Toa following, Shay leaping onto the next building and scouting the area ahead of them. They continued this tactic while keeping an eye out for their target before Shay called them to a halt. “Fire Toa at two o’clock!” she declared.Peering around the corner, Toa Vakama was standing outside one of the furnaces holding a familiar disk, looking like he had just gotten out of a tangle with a giant root. “Step two,” the Narrator continued. “Once you find the target, plan out what you’re about to say before you glomp him. If you’re glomping him as a Hordika, then you may want some added protection against sharp claws, fire spinners and tools, and those deadly fangs…wait…he becomes a Hordika?”“Don’t ask,” both girls hissed, having already come up with something to say.“Alright, alright, sheesh!” the Narrator huffed, frowning up at the two in annoyance. “You females are so fickle.” Shaking his head, he looked back at the list and frowned. “Step three: wait until he gets close enough for you to glomp him, or you may end up hurting yourself or making too much noise.”Both girls waited with bated breath as the Fire Toa looked around, putting the disk away before he cautiously started to make his way across the street. As luck would have it, he was moving towards them, the temple to Ga-Metru in the direction they had originally came from.“Strike!” the Narrator snapped.“SMILE VAKAMA!!” the girls cried out joyfully as they lunged, the poor Toa yelling out in shock and surprise when Mic tackled his middle before Shay knocked into his chest from above. The sheer force of the tackles toppled the taller being, who barely managed to catch himself from falling completely on his back as he stared at the two clinging to him.“W-What the-?!” he gasped in disbelief, unsure if this was an attack. “W-Who…what are you?”Shay turned to grin up at him, her arms wrapped around his chest as she said, “We’re humans! Don’t worry, we’re not trying to hurt you…we just wanted to hug you and tell you that you’re doing a great job!”Vakama blinked at the two in confusion, which grew when the Narrator and the Camera-Toa stepped out into the open. “Who’re you?” he asked, hoping that these two would be able to answer his questions. “And…what is going on here?”“At the moment, my name is ‘Narrator’, as is stated by my contract for identity protection purposes,” the Plasma Toa told him calmly. “And as for what’s going on: let’s just say that this is some idiotic attempt at a biography or some nonsense like that, the main subject being how to glomp the targets…and before you ask, glomp is basically what just happened to you.”“It’s a hug and a tackle all in one~!” Mic chirped happily, snuggling up to the Fire Toa.“Nice and toasty,” Shay sighed happily. “Now I feel like curling up in front of a fire-place and roasting tasty treats while wrapped up in a blanket.”“But it’s summer back home,” Mic blinked up at her friend.“I know,” Shay giggles in amusement. “We’ll just turn the AC down so that it makes the house colder!”At this the Narrator smacked his forehead, shaking his head with a groan. “Do not ask me what they’re talking about,” he told Vakama firmly. “Just…don’t. I’m still trying to figure out three-quarters of the stuff she’s already said and done…”Both girls simply grinned up at him, but at the same time he couldn’t help but cringe away. Something about those smiles didn’t bode well for him…Me: *pops back in wearing work uniform* Well, there’s the second chapter guys! Sorry it’s been slow. School work and my new summer job haven’t been too kind on my muses, so I lost interest in this thing…again.Tahu: You seem to be doing that a lot. *dusts away cobweb from document* You’ve rarely stayed focus on one fandom for very long.Turaga Vakama: *walks in and steps over to Tahu, whacking him in the head with his staff*Tahu: Ow! *rubs top of head and glares at him* What was that for? Hakkan was the one that gave her the idea in the first place!TVakama: *glaring back* I have my reasons… *hobbles off again, mumbling something about irresponsible Toa*Me: …ooookay…I think we should end this now. O.O;

Wind-Rider: Hey guys~! It’s been a while since I’ve even thought about this site, much less the comedy I had written about glomping these characters several years ago. BUT!! It needs to be rewritten, because not only do I feel like it, but I’m disappointed that I did most of the skits in script form. Sure, it’s funny, but it’s not the same as a good prose. Narrator: Unless that prose is drabbling on non-important factors, of course. Wind-Rider: So, I’ll do my best to write each of the glompings in prose~! X3 Of course, I’ll try not to make them too wordy or anything, or that might be unappealing for you guys. ; Narrator: So for now, here’s the first chapter, and we hope you enjoy it…and the resulting insanity and headache-inducing confusion this ‘thing’ standing next to me is bound to cause. Me: *grins*_______________________________ Who are we glomping? Tahu Nuva Where? Tren Krom Break Static fills the air for a moment before the camera flicks on, revealing a Toa of Gravity as he stares at the camera in confusion. “Hey, kid, what’s the red light mean again?” he asked as he looked off to the side. “That means it’s recording,” a young female voice replied back. “And please call me Shayinko, or even just ‘Shay’.” “Oh!” the Toa of Gravity gasped, juggling the camera in his hands for a moment before he lifts it up and points it at a young human girl that’s standing next to a Toa of Plasma. “Okay, ready!” “What’s the point of all this again?” the Toa of Plasma asked in confusion as he looked down at the short human. Shay chuckled as she said, “It’s supposed to be like a documentary of sorts, where we record someone in their natural habitat before they get glomped and the steps that are necessary to do so.” The Toa of Plasma blinked as he stared at her for a moment before he asked, “What’s a ‘glomp’?” She sighed as she pulled a dictionary from behind her back—which was odd, as she wasn’t wearing a pack—and began leafing through the pages until she came across a specific page. “Glomp: noun. To hug someone with sheer amounts of affection and adoration. It can be performed in a variety of ways and styles, and it is extremely difficult to remove the glomper from the victim.” Snapping the book shut, she tossed it away—and cringing when it shattered a window and a cat screeched. “Uh…yeah…that’s the basic definition of it,” she said to the camera before pointing somewhere behind her. “And I think we should move…now.” “Why?” the Toa of Gravity asked from behind the camera. “MY GLASS COLLECTION! !!!” a voice roared in rage, causing the girl to stiffen in fear before she grabbed the Toa of Plasma’s hand and bolted. “Run! Kopaka’s on a rampage!!” she screamed. The camera suddenly became encased in ice, landing in the sand and showing a Toa of Ice chasing the three before it turned to static. /Two Hours Later/ The camera came back on, showing Shay frowning at it in annoyance. “Dang it…this is the third camera this week,” she grumbled as she handed it back to the Toa of Gravity. “If this keeps up I could pay for college twice!” “Quit complaining,” the Toa of Plasma grumbled, sporting a new bruise under his eye and his arm in a cast. “At least he spared you from any pain after he chased us half-way across the island.” “I’m still shocked that he kept up with us for that long,” she replied with a weird-ed out expression on her face. “Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, LET’S GET TO GLOMPING!!!” She shoves a stack of papers into the Toa of Plasma’s hand and said, “You get to be the Narrator, who explains all the steps to the readers!” He blinks at her for a moment and said, “What ‘readers’? We’re recording something with a camera!” “Details, details,” she shrugged. “Just read the tips.” The Narrator sighs as he holds up the paper and reads, “Our first target for today is a Toa of Fire named Tahu Nuva. Step one: find out where he likes to relax or just be alone.” “Here’s my favorite part,” the human grinned. “Time for a wipe!” Before anyone could react, she reached off the screen of the camera and pulled, a sheet of reds and browns appearing as she moved it to the other side of the screen, showing her and the Narrator now standing on the outside of the Tren Krom Break. The Narrator blinked in shock and disbelief as he slowly turned to her and asked, “W-What just happened? How in Mata Nui’s name did we get from Po-Koro and into Ta-Wahi??” “A wipe,” she replied. “It’s a comedy thing where you can change scenes quickly, like in a flashback. Oh look, there’s Tahu! Quick, hide!” She yanked him and the camera-Toa down behind a stone column, carefully poking her head out as she watched the Spirit of Fire. He seemed to be thinking of something, most likely about an argument that he and Gali had. “Read the next tip,” she whispered. The Narrator sighed as he held up the script again, saying, “Step two: make sure that you have scouted the area and that there is no one around to warn your target. Then, make sure you find a good hiding place where you won’t overshoot or land both of you in something unpleasant.” ZIP! Shay had disappeared from the Narrator’s side, causing him to blink as he looked out and saw her peeking out from behind a much smaller rock. Eyes darting this way and that, she zipped to another rock and disappeared from sight. He sighed and pressed his mask into his hand before he looked at the script again. “Step three: once you have a clear shot, think of something to shout so that he either won’t think your attacking him, or just to be random.” A thumbs-up appeared from behind the rock before it disappeared again when Tahu walked by. Once he had passed it, the rock lifted up to reveal a pair of eyes beneath it. Raising an eye-ridge at this odd behavior, the Narrator looked at the list again and blinked. “Step four…‘attack’?” he read in confusion. “BLAZING COURAGE! !!!” Tahu whirled around in shock as the human shot out from beneath the rock, yelling before grunting in surprise when she tackled him in the middle. “What the slag?!” he roared as he glared down at the human, attempting to pry her off his torso. “Let go of me!” She giggled and shook her head. “No~!” she chirped. “You need your daily dose of hugs and glomps, or your day won’t be complete!” Tahu growled at her in annoyance before he looked up, spotting the Narrator and the Camera Toa still hiding behind the rock. “That thing better not go on the air,” he ground out, “or you two are dead when I get her off!”____________________________ Me: Just because he told them that, doesn’t mean it applies to me. XD Narrator: You’re just trying to get us killed, aren’t you? Me: No, that just comes with the job description. Besides, you guys go through the same hazardous situations as Toa, what’s so different about this? Narrator: The fact that they’re caused by you? Me: Oh hush… *turns to the audience* So, tell me what you think~! Yes, this is a rewritten chapter from my old comedy, but this might be the only one unless you guys want me to rewrite another old chapter/skit. If you guys have any suggestions for who to glomp next, feel free to let me know, and if I like it enough, I might just be tempted to write it~! Oh, and just so you know, Shay is not my name, it's a name that I gave to a character I created long ago and just finally decided to name her. Oh, and also, if you wish to guest star, just send me a note or something and I'll see if I have time to squeeze you in, alright? ;P

Well, here we are! The next chapter to set the stage a little! Like I said in the last chapter, there are going to be humans in this, but like I said before: it's not what you're thinking. XP I'm not going to say anything else about it There's also a cameo mention of a certain someone~! Can you spot them? Okay, now that I've got that out of the way: Tahu, could you do the disclaimer for me? Tahu: The kid doesn't own us, alright? (Me: Hey!) She just owns the characters you don't recognize. Deal with it. Me: I'm 21 years old! I'm not a kid! Pohatu: Then you shouldn't whine like one! ;P Me: *silently fumes and grumbles about genetics making me look younger than I am* Kopaka: *rolls his eyes and looks at you* Enjoy the story. _____________________ "Bonzai!" Shoof! "Yay!" I cheered as I popped out of the snow, creating a shower of white flakes to join their current airborne cousins. "Snow day!" The cold seeped in through my gloves as the wind nipped at my face, but I didn't care one bit. When Dad woke me up this morning to watch the snow fall, he told me that I could have a free day from lessons just so I could play in the snow! Mom wasn't too happy about that, but she let me play anyway. Giggling excitedly, I started packing some snow into a ball before rolling it along the ground to make it bigger. 'I wonder how big I can make it?' I wondered to myself as I continued to roll it around. Dad always did say that if I wanted to know something, I had to 'try it out and see for myself.' As I rolled the now waist high snowball, I stopped and stood still. Looking left and looking right, I saw nothing but the trees of the forest surrounding me. My family lives in the woods, but there aren't any other people nearby. Dad said that the nearest town was eight miles away…however far that was. But still, something was wrong. Something…big… "Gangway!" "Aaiiieee!" I squealed as I felt myself get scooped up from behind, laughing at the incredible height distance between me and the ground. "Daddy! Put me down!" "Whatever you say, kiddo," Dad said as he slung me over his shoulder, my hands clinging to his winter jacket as he started walking. When he stopped, he held me up over a deep pile of snow he had shoveled earlier and smiled. "Uh oh, I think my grip's slipping!" "Ack! Daddy, no! Not the snow pi-le!" I tried to yell out, only to yelp in surprise when he suddenly let go. Shoof! At the last second, instead of landing feet-first into the snow, I landed on my back and made an impression of my body over two feet deep. A few seconds later I saw dad peek into the hole I made with a smug grin on his face. "That was mean, Dad," I pouted, but a grin crept onto my face. Sticking my arm up at him, to which only my hand was visible over the surface, I pointed at his face and declared, "I'll get you back for that! Just you wait!" "I'm sure you will, little one," he replied as he reached in and pulled me up by the back of my jacket with one hand, holding me in front of him with another smug grin. "When kikanalo fly, of course." Before I could swat at him for being a meanie, he pulled me into a warm hug that I couldn't refuse as I hugged him back. "You're so warm, Dad," I sighed in content as I buried my face against his neck, hiding from the cold air. "Like a fuzzy bunny rabbit!" "You mean like a fat rabbit, kid?" Almost immediately I felt dad stiffen, his grip on me tightening while I turned my head around to look at the speaker. "He's not fat, Uncle Tak!" I called out in annoyance before I said cutely, "He's fluffy!" While Dad gave a pained groan at the 'fluffy' comment, Uncle Tak cackled loudly as he bent forward, his arms wrapped around his stomach. "Sweetie, please don't encourage him, he's already got enough to torment me with," Dad muttered quietly as he watched his brother collapse to the ground. "And I'm not fluffy…I've just gained a few pounds more than normal." "That's too rich!" Uncle Tak gasped before he burst into another set of cackles. "This is better than 'Sir Cherrington!'"…now how did Dad get that nickname again? Oh wait! Now I remember! Dad had been playing 'Knights and Toa' with me one day, with him being a human knight and me a Toa of Sonics (since I didn't want to be a Water Toa that day). We were taking a break after 'defeating' a 'vicious' rahi (which was really our pet robot dog my uncle had made for me as a birthday gift), and Dad decided to make my favorite treat: ice cream sundae supreme!...unfortunately, Dad had an accident that involved ice cream, chocolate and caramel sauce, sprinkles, and a lot of cherries…now let's just say that, nowadays, he always makes sure that there are no more rugs on the wooden floor.Dad sighed in annoyance as Uncle Tak's laughter died down to strained giggles, like he was having trouble breathing. "Are you quite done yet, brother?" he asked as he set me back on the ground, his hand resting on my shoulder as I stood next to him. "I would like to know the reason for your visit." "Aw, can't I just visit my youngest brother and my adorable little niece?" Uncle Tak asked innocently as he walked over to punch Dad in the arm and pet my head affectionately. I could almost see the steam coming off of Dad's head, and for a moment I was afraid that he would explode like a madu fruit. Uncle Tak deflated somewhat when Dad gave him a hard look and sighed in defeat. "Actually, Mak, there's something I need to discuss with you and Taie…and it can't wait." Seeing Dad give me the look, I knew I had to scram and gave him a quick hug before running back to the house. I just barely heard him say 'Good girl' before I went inside. With a warm smile, Mom stood there with a mug of warm berry juice and my favorite Bionicle toy I made when I was younger. "There you are," she chided playfully as I took off my jacket and cat-eared hat, placing them on the rack that was closest to my height. "Where's your father? I thought he was with you." "He and Uncle Tak are talking again," I replied as Tiko, my robot dog the size of a large pony, trotted over to me and nuzzled me happily. As I rubbed his smooth metal head, I remembered that Dad had called him an 'energy hound' when he yelled at my uncle for giving him to me for my fourth birthday. "Uncle Tak said he had to talk to you both and Dad gave me the look, so I left." She gave a hum of concern as she looked at the front door. "Well, I suppose we were due for a visit from your uncle," she sighed as we moved over to the couch, Tiko nudging his head into my arms for hugs and kisses. "It's been almost two months since his last visit." I only nodded in response as I finished giving Tiko some attention before I accepted the drink and toy from mom. From previous experiences like this I've learned not to ask what my parents talk about, since they always tell me that it was just 'boring grown-up stuff'. After a while I just gave up and stopped asking. But that didn't mean I had to like it. "Grown-ups are no fun," I commented aloud as Tiko rested his head on my lap, giving a groan of content when I scratched the soft tissue on his neck (I'm the only one he allows to do that). "You guys are always so stiff, even when you play with me." This got a light chuckle out of her as she reached over and tilted my head so I was looking at her. "Maybe it's because every time we let our guard down, you somehow manage to get in trouble," she explained gently. "If we weren't as 'stiff' as you say we are, you could get hurt or even lost in the woods…which is why we have Tiko here in the first place thanks to your uncle." "I'm old enough!" I protested. "I can take care of myself even without Tiko!" Tiko snorted at that and almost rolled his eyes, as if to say, "Yeah right…" "Sweetie, you're only six years old," she sighed. "So…?" I grumbled. This wasn't the first time we've talked about this, and she would always find a way to prove that I still had a lot to learn. But instead of making her points, Mom just smirked and shook her head in amusement. "You're just like Tahu," she said as she leaned against the cushions and gazed up at the ceiling. "He always thought that he was so strong and independent…but he still needed his brother and sister Toa to conquer his greatest foes." Looking back at me, she said, "I want you to remember something, little one: don't ever think that you have to do everything on your own. If there is something that you can't achieve on your own, don't be afraid to ask for help." I blinked up at her in confusion before glancing at Tiko, who had an almost similar look on his muzzle. Where did that come from? With another smile, she reached over and ruffled my hair as she said, "Well, I hope you enjoyed your free snow-day, Kira. Tomorrow your instructors will be continuing your lessons indoors. There's a nasty blizzard coming in tomorrow morning that will last a good part of the day." "Does that mean star-reading is cancelled?" I asked in disappointment, completely forgetting mom's sudden behavior change. Star-reading was my favorite class in the world! My teacher even said that I looked like a Ko-Matoran in a Knowledge Tower because it was the only time I ever took a class seriously, let alone sat still long enough to pay attention to a single lesson. It annoyed all my other teachers to no end when I got distracted in their lessons, that's for sure. "If the weather permits it, he will continue with his lessons," she replied with a warm smile. "For now, rest easy. I'll be working down in the basement if you need me." "Okay," I nodded as she got up and left the room. I waited for a few minutes as Tiko grew bored and curled up at the foot of the couch, making sure that mom was indeed far from the room. Then, looking at the toy in my arms, I said, "Okay, Mahruk, she's gone." At first, nothing happened. Then, the head lifted up and dual-colored eyes turned to peer up at me from behind a gold colored mask with silver markings. "Finally!" the toy sighed in relief, stretching his body out like a cat on its back. "I thought she'd never leave! Do you know how hard it is to stay perfectly still like that with an unbearable itch on your back? It's not easy, I can tell you that." Giggling at the sight of him scratching wildly at his back, I took a sip of my drink and said, "Well, I wouldn't mind if you moved around more often. But as for Mom and Dad? I have a feeling that they wouldn't be too happy seeing a 'toy' come to life. You know how easily they panic." Mahruk chuckled as he lounged back in my lap, lazily putting his arms behind his head like a pillow. "Yeah, that's true," he agreed as he gave me a pointed look. "Then again, it didn't really help that you had gotten lost in the woods two years ago and nearly drowned when the river flooded that day." "And yet I still like to swim in the lakes and rivers around here," I smiled as I set the now cooling drink down and lounged back. Deciding to change the subject, I asked, "So, how was your day so far?" "Fine…but I'd rather have been playing out in the snow with you. There's really nothing for me to do other than sleep, read or stare at the ceiling…have you ever noticed that there's a pattern shaped like a Kanohi Hau on the ceiling above the bed?" Heh heh…I can always count on Mahruk to do or say something that will cheer me up. "Well, next time I'll sneak you out and we can play when Mom and Dad aren't looking," I smile at him before a yawn shattered anything else I was going to add. "Wow, I'm tired," I sighed as Mahruk got the message and stood up, making room for me to lay down and curl up on the couch before he snuggled against my neck. "Building giant snowballs takes a lot out of you, huh?" "Yeah, I'm tired too," he yawned back, nuzzling his mask against my face before we managed to settle down under the light blanket that usually hung over the back of the couch. "Have a nice nap, sister." "You too, brother," I mumbled as exhaustion finally took its toll. As I rested there, a strange image appeared in my mind. It was a strange silver-white cloud, and beyond it, there seemed to be a giant mass of land floating in the air. On the strange landmass, there were extravagantly built towers that sparkled like gems in the sunlight, thunderous waterfalls crashing down into a raging pool, a vast desert, a fiery landscape with pillars of fire bursting forth from geysers, a city built out of the side of a mountain, and a freezing landscape that seemed to extend for miles. In the towers, which seemed to be part of a large shrine or city, winged figures dove in and out of the windows that led inside the buildings. Some of the beings even seemed to be dancing right in midair! It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, but…I've don't remember mom or dad telling me about anything like that nor have I ever imagined anything similar to it. 'Where did that…come…?' I drifted off before I could finish the thought, the image still burning fresh in my mind… _____________________________________ "How could this have happened? Why now?" Tahk was silent as he watched his brother storm into the house, both of them taking off their winter garb and heading for the living room. "Look, I don't like it either, but let's face it: it was bound to happen sooner or later," he told him, only to lower his voice when Tiko let out a growl and moved to hover over the slumbering figure on the couch, ready to protect his little charge. "The fact is, he's loose now, and he's heading this way. If we're going to do something about it, we need to act now…it's time to go back to the island, Mahkva." In response Mak gave him a dark glare, his lips drawn back in a snarl as he hissed, "Don't call me that here! Not while she's in the same room!" Then, his gaze focused solely on his daughter. "She's not ready to leave this place," he whispered softly, reaching out to gently stroke her head. "She's never been outside of this forest and if we move her somewhere else…she might not know how to handle the new environment." For a long time Tak stared at his brother, his eyes wide in surprise as he tried to process what he was hearing. "You…you're getting attached to her…aren't you?" he asked slowly, his voice full of disbelief. "Brother, you know that we're not supposed to get emotionally attached to her. That will only make things even more complicated than they should be when it's time to-" "Do you think that I don't know that?" Mak hissed angrily, shooting his brother a venomous glare that caused him to flinch away. In a much quieter voice, he said, "I know what the stakes are here…but you…none of you…have spent the time that I have in raising her…none of you have known the joy of seeing her personality bloom like a rare flower…learned just how rewarding it is to raise something more precious than jewels…and wanting to protect someone so irreplaceable…not just because I was ordered to protect her." Turning away from him, Mak picked up the toy before scooping the child into his arms, carrying her up the stairs while closely followed by his brother and Tiko. Setting her on her bed, he pulled the covers over her and tucked the toy next to her head, where she sighed and curled up with a soft smile. "I would protect her with my life, Tak," he said lowly, his eyes never leaving the peacefully sleeping face as Tiko whined and rested his head next to his tiny master's arm. "We may not be her real family…but she's a blessing from the Great Spirit himself…" "…I know," his brother replies softly, bowing his head in respect. "But…you know what Helryx will do once she finds out about this…" A silent nod was the only response as the two left the room, unaware of the gold and green eyes watching them intently. /Elsewhere/ Night had fallen across the forest, the nocturnal creatures stirring from their hidden dens to search for food. A lone wolf sniffed the air, its eyes giving off an eerie glow as it observed its surroundings under the light of the moon. Suddenly, it stiffened before raising its hackles and bristled threateningly, giving a low warning growl as it stared at an unseen opponent.Through the darkness, a hulking form stalked through the brush, poisonous green orbs of light staring at the wolf like a cat cornering a mouse. The wolf, sensing something terribly wrong, immediately tucked its tail between its legs and whined as it cowered submissively before the looming figure. GRAOOO! A sharp yelp of pain ripped through the air before it cut off, startling the other creatures of the night to run away in panic. The lumbering figure lifted its head from the wolf's corpse, blood dripping from its muzzle as it stared in a direction due west. A cruel smile crept across its metallic cat-like face, its muscles rippling under its armor as it loped forward, its gait determined as it followed some invisible trail that only it could sense. It skid to a halt a few seconds later on top of a cliff face, gazing upon the vast forest below as it scanned the area. Then, its sharp eyes picked out a shape barely sticking above the trees and it grinned. With a quiet rush of wind, dark energy starts to form on its back until it takes on the form of bat-like wings. Nearly transparent, they still cast an ominous shadow across the land, reaching towards the hidden house until it was surrounded on all sides. A low rumble escaped as it stood on its hind legs, swishing its blade-tipped tail excitedly as it leered at the home that held his prey. "Rest easy while you can, little one," it hissed in a dual-toned voice. "Tomorrow, before the day is over, you will be mine…"And just like that, he vanished without a trace, leaving only a set of clawed footprints in the snow. A minute later, the wind and snow kicked up, quickly covering the footprints and leaving no trace of its existence. ...###### cliff-hanger. XD So, you guys got to meet the main character! Yay for Kira, my first/second OC~! Oh, and yes, if you're not too familiar with the Bionicle books (or the rahi for that matter), the Energy Hound in this story is indeed from the books. This one just isn't mutated. XD Anyway, there's just one more chapter that I've already finished before I have to start finishing the other chapters. No idea how long this will last, but rest assured that there will be much cuteness abound with this story! XD Of course, there will be harsh times as well, but other than those, it's mostly adorable cuteness~ X3 Review Topic here: http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=532

This is the review topic for my epic, "Nightwish". Tell me what you think of it so far or what I can improve on! :3 http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=531

Hey guys! Boy, it's been a while since I've done anything Bionicle related or been on this site. O.O *coughs* Anyway, this is actually a revamped version of a previous epic I had attemped to write years ago. If you guys do remember my old story "Summer Star", then you know what I'm talking about. I lost all the original files I had on my last computer of the old story, but luckily, I still have the written version. But here's the thing: IT SUCKED! The original plot was a complete disaster, the characters were underdeveloped (more like flat-characters than round characters, and what's worse was that it was self-insert), the scenes were choppy between dialogue and actions, and the only other thing that could possibly be worse than the self-insert I mentioned earlier? The way I had things written were so out of whack, I didn't even believe that it would be possible in real life if any of this DID happen! But, luckily, I've finally been working my way through what I should have done when I first started writing. I'm developing the characters more (and the main character is no longer a self-insert, so HOORAY! My first OC!), I'm actually considering the settings a little more and how things will develop (much better than I did before, TRUST ME on this), and a whole bunch of other stuff. And compared to the original prologue, this chapter isn't even half as long, and the original was just nothing but boring details in the beginning that I could have scattered amonst the chapters! O.o So anyway, I hope you enjoy this~ X3 And no, I do not own Bionicle! I only own the characters you don't recognize. _________________________________ Drip… Drop… Drip… The silence was shattered by the sounds of water falling into a pool, the air nearly vibrating with each sound as it reverberated through the colossal chamber. Darkness concealed all but the glowing water source, the dim lightstones barely illuminating the solitary figure seated in a throne made from the bones of a large beast. His armor was as dark as the shadows themselves, leaving his form nearly invisible in the gloom. Even in the darkness his eyes were hard to see, dimmed in deep thought. A sudden creaking noise, akin to that of a rusted door opening, echoed through the chamber. Even as a smaller figure hesitantly crept in, the larger being never stirred from his thoughts or even moved to acknowledge the new presence. Then, in a voice worn by time, the being hissed, "What is it this time?" The visitor, a messenger with reptilian-like features, fidgeted a little at being addressed, but recovered as he knelt respectfully on one knee before the great being. "Pardon the intrusion, my lord," the messenger said humbly, his words chosen carefully. "But there is a message from General Koto in the western hemisphere. He believes that he has discovered the clue we've been looking for." Silence filled the room once more as the lord pondered over these words, the only sound being the resonating echo of the dripping water. Then, in a tone that held a hint of a warning, he said, "That bumbling oaf of a general couldn't find a Tahtorak even if it was standing in front of him. If all my other elite trackers and warriors were unable to find such a thing for seven long years, how could he find it?" Barely able to suppress the urge to twitch, the messenger pulled out a broken tablet along with a scroll from his bag. "General Koto stumbled across a small rahi that was carrying a coded message. He managed to get it translated, and a part of the message, though partly broken, contained valuable information." This time, the shadowy being opened a single eye, leering down at the messenger with an icy blue gaze. "Show me the message," he ordered while stretching out a clawed hand. "I will be the judge of its worth…or it will be both your heads."With the threat clear as day hanging over his head, the messenger stood and moved closer, placing both items into the dark one's waiting hand and taking a respectful step back. He kept his head low in submission, willing to accept his master's wrath yet dreading the moment as time slowly ticked by. With each line he read, the dark lord's expression grew more and more intrigued. Then, with a grin fit for a skakdi, he gave a low, rattling chuckle. "So that is their game," he grinned in amusement. "Very clever, hiding her in such a place. It's no wonder my men couldn't find a trail." Blinking in confusion, the messenger asked slowly, "My lord, if I may ask: who is this you are talking about?"Giving the messenger a shockingly kind smile, the lord said, "We are speaking of the very person we have been searching so long for: my daughter." Standing from his throne, the towering figure seemed to glide across the floor towards the water, leaving the hopelessly confused messenger to shuffle after him. The pool suddenly began to bubble on the surface, a large object slowly beginning to emerge from the glowing blue-green waters. When it was hovering mere inches above the surface, the messenger could see that it was a huge round mirror, its surface surprisingly dark despite the fact that they were standing directly in front of it. He even noticed that there was a dragon-like mantle on the mirror, its head and neck bent over the top of the mirror to snarl at them while its limbs clung to the rims and its tail spiraled down into the pool. Lightly running a talon over the black surface of the mirror, the lord said, "Years ago, a child was born. Even then, I could sense the potential she possessed, and she was very special indeed. You could even say that she was a rose amongst a field of weeds. And that rose would become my heir. I raised her, shielded her from the outside world so as to protect her from the taint of the unworthy…until a traitor took her from me." "A traitor?" the messenger gasped in disbelief. Who would betray their lord and master? "Yes, a traitor," came the hissed response, the lord's fist clenching tightly as his claws dug into his metal skin. "A traitor went into the child's room while her caretaker was away and took her from my kingdom. The traitor himself has yet to be found, but he will be punished severely…but for now, let us see where they have hidden her." He waved his hand across the surface and a white image began to form, slowly taking shape as other colors began to join the mixture. Then, a distinct image of a forest of evergreen trees dominated the mirror, snow covering most of the leaves as more lazily drifted towards the ground. "Ah, so that is where we will find her," came the dark chuckle as ice-blue eyes gazed at the surface. "Now we just have to retrieve her, and hope that the infidels have not done anything…permanent. And to ensure that nothing else goes wrong…I'm sending my best agent." At this the messenger froze, his mask growing horrified as he stuttered fearfully, "M-my lord! Surely y-you don't mean…him?" A soft, clicking growl suddenly filled the room, causing the messenger to stiffen in shock. Then, before he could react, something wrapped around his ankle and yanked him back, knocking him onto his stomach before he was dragged into the shadows with a cry of shock. No sooner did he disappear did his cries cut off, leaving nothing but silence in the room as the lord continued to observe the mirror. From the darkness, a black form emerged from the shadows, his poisonous green eyes narrowed as he lumbered up to the other. Clenched in his talons, he held the messenger's mask. In an instant, it was crushed into dust. Then, kneeling down on one knee, he bowed his head in respect. "I have come, my liege," he rumbled in a gravelly voice that seemed to have a dual-undertone. "What is it you wish of me?" The dark lord glanced over his shoulder at the new arrival, the smile on his face eerie in the gloom as he said, "A retrieval mission. And the 'package' is vitally important." "Ask and I shall obey, my liege," came the response as a blade-tipped tail swished eagerly behind him. "I will retrieve this 'package' and deliver it to you." "Ah, but it's not just any package," the lord tisked in amusement as he started to walk around him, his agent looking up at him in confusion as he stopped behind him. "This one you cannot harm in any way, shape, or form. You will be retrieving that which has been lost to me." Understanding danced in those poisonous orbs as the hunter nodded his head. "The child," he rumbled softly.The dark lord nodded his approval as he stepped over a still form, moving back to his throne as he sat down. "Yes, the child," he whispered as the hunter stood, facing towards him while still keeping his head and eyes low in submission. "You will go and retrieve her from this realm that she has been kept in. Find the ones that hold her captive and bring me their heads. I want to see who dared attempted to corrupt the little one's mind with lies. Go now, and bring her home." Bowing low at the waist, the hunter turned to leave. "Oh, and one last thing," the lord added, halting him before he could disappear. "If she has been corrupted to believe their lies, try to act friendly towards her. Make her believe that you are not a threat, and simply guide her judgment against her guardians. There's simply no need to traumatize the poor dear." "And if she resists?" A dark scowl appeared on the lord's mask, his eyes seeming to intensify their glare as he said, "Then use whatever means necessary to bring her back." The hunter gave a nod of acknowledgement, a small smirk on his feline-like face as he stepped into the shadows. "As you wish, my liege," his voice echoed, his body fading into nothing. ____________________________________ I'm SOOOOOO sorry that this sucked! I'm terrible with writing dark scenes of evilly awesomeness! DX Hopefully my pitiful attempt was at least decent, but if you guys have any advice (or other words that I could use in place of others) PLEASE tell me! It would be much appreciated! Oh, and just to warn you guys, there ARE humans in this story, but it's definitely NOT what you think. ;3 It's not going to be your typical 'human gets thrown into the Bionicle world' thing, because there's more to the main character than I'm willing to give out. And no, they're not an angel, they're not a demon, they're not a superhero in training, and they're not whatever else you guys are thinking of. You'll find out more when I get to it. XP Anyway, please R & R with any tips and let me know what you think! And even if you don't review, I'll still continue this because it's about slagging time that I got this idea out of my head! XP Edit: Here is the review topic~! X3 http://www.bzpower.c...p?showtopic=532