7 replies to this topic

[Janus]

It's a story I wrote I guess? You can probably read it here maybe.

-Janus

Edited by Larry Fine, Jun 18 2012 - 02:30 PM.

[Ballom]

I'm quite surprised that no one's replied to this yet, as I greatly enjoyed the epic thus far. In particular, Norik's inner monologue is fantastic; his emotions and general thoughts come across very fluidly. The elegiac descriptions of the dead Toa team were also striking for how poetic they seemed, which was fitting given the context.

Also, the vision Norik has in which he sees himself as the murderer of the Toa was very intriguing. I initially thought he himself had done the deeds, but from the direction things are taking, with the destruction of Koto-Nui without mention of Norik traveling there recently, it appears rather unlikely now. I do look forward to the adventures of Norik and his companion in attempting to solve the mystery, however.

Anyway, I was originally going to have a longer post, but I'm running out of time here, unfortunately. Suffice to say it was a very good read. You have a great vocabulary and control of language, clearly, and the epic reflects that. I'll definitely be following the rest of this story.

~B~

Edited by Ballom, Jul 09 2012 - 01:40 AM.

[Janus]

I'm quite surprised that no one's replied to this yet, as I greatly enjoyed the epic thus far. In particular, Norik's inner monologue is fantastic; his emotions and general thoughts come across very fluidly. The elegiac descriptions of the dead Toa team were also striking for how poetic they seemed, which was fitting given the context.

Also, the vision Norik has in which he sees himself as the murderer of the Toa was very intriguing. I initially thought he himself had done the deeds, but from the direction things are taking, with the destruction of Koto-Nui without mention of Norik traveling there recently, it appears rather unlikely now. I do look forward to the adventures of Norik and his companion in attempting to solve the mystery, however.

Anyway, I was originally going to have a longer post, but I'm running out of time here, unfortunately. Suffice to say it was a very good read. You have a great vocabulary and control of language, clearly, and the epic reflects that. I'll definitely be following the rest of this story.

~B~

Hey Ballom, thanks a bunch for reading and letting me know your thoughts, it's always appreciated--especially from a fellow writer!

I think the main reason for a lack of response is
A: I'm not the popular force I once was around here, and this is the first piece of writing on NuBZP that I have.
B: These chapters are fairly long and a bit dense--which is because this is when I was starting the project and had a lot of groundwork to lay

I'm glad you liked my portrayal of Norik, as he honestly has become one of my favourite characters to write. He's a fun one, who has unfortunately gone through too much. I feel bad for him

I won't spoil anything about the visions, but I can say that Norik most definitely did not cause the devastation at Koto-Nui, as you'll find out in Chapter three.

Thanks so much for the praise, I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts--be they good or bad XP

-Janus

[Dallas Winston]

ECC Review: Brotherhood

First off, I want to say congratulations for giving one of my favorite characters in the BIONICLE mythos – Norik – a proper backstory. I’ve felt that his past has gone neglected a lot by the official storyline, so seeing the popularity that fan-based canon or just fan backstory about him has garnered over the last few years go up and up has been really fun for me to watch. Needless to say, I read through this with a lot of enthusiasm, and I wasn’t disappointed.

Your characterization of Norik, with his inner thought processes and his viewpoint, is really the crowning jewel of this story for me: you’ve done a masterful job weaving together a realistic, yet simple stream-of-consciousness that doesn’t leave the reader wondering what’s going on or leaving them questioning the ways that Norik’s thoughts can be interpreted. Wanderer, Bomonga, and even Gaaki – who only appeared once as of this review – are all extremely well-fleshed out for such recent characters; I even felt like you took the time to describe Norik’s dead teammates in a lot of ways that others wouldn’t, and that’s commendable. It you’re your story that much more interesting to go through.

You’ve also created a thoroughly intriguing setting and plot that, like your main character, doesn’t take a lot of effort to understand and move along with; it makes the story flow that much more, and it leaves me, the reader, with more time to just sit back and enjoy the story for what it is. I particularly love the spin you put on the classic villages concept: all those cities, wrapped together into one area, each with their own unique protectors and attributes, is extremely interesting, and it leaves the reader wanting to know more about

However, there were a couple problems that I couldn’t help but note as I went ahead, chief among them grammar. They were mostly here and there: Wanderer wasn’t capitalized several times in Chapter 3, and every now and then you forgot the comma or the period after a piece of dialogue, in cases such as this:

“call me wanderer for now” The Matoran said with finality.

“Let me take care of that” Bomonga said quickly, and just as quickly he simply vanished into the air, his Huna taking effect, all that could be heard were his hurried footsteps as he left the area.

“Brothers, this is a closely guarded secret of Gaho-Nui”

These kept popping up randomly on me while I read, and they kind of disrupted the flow of the story for me; they kept popping out at me rather obviously, and I had to take a second to get back into the story. Sometimes, I even had to restart the particular paragraph over again just so I could get a good feel for where I was and what was happening. That’s just me, personally, so don’t take it too harshly, but it’s something to work on in the future.

All in all, this is shaping up to be a quality backstory epic for the Hagah that’s equal parts emotion and excitement, and I’m going to keep following it to see how it all gets drawn together. Good job, Janus.

-Teezy

[Janus]

Thank you so much for the review! I'd actually been mulling over asking the ECC for an official review, but I figured I'd let the story develop a little more. We're not even to the real meat yet!

Regarding Norik--I can't say as Norik was ever my favourite, but somehow he ended up as the main character of this epic--and since then I've fallen in love with him as a character. So I'm very glad to hear that you as a Norik fan are enjoying what I've put together.

As for the island cities--this is all a part of my longstanding personal canon. In fact Brotherhood was originally supposed to be one of a series of 'short' stories (It's now over 52,000 words. So much for short.) so I hope you continue to enjoy them as they develop. It's definitely a world that I enjoyed crafting.

As for grammar--my only excuse is that as this was being written for NaNoWriMo I was trying to write as much as possible, and had no editor at the time--and I'm just atrocious at grammar and punctuation. Glad it's not so terrible that it completely removes you from the story, though!

Hopefully the story keeps you guessing a bit as it progresses, I look forward to seeing more of your thoughts!

Thanks again!

-Janus

[Toa Kopaka TJByrum]

Wow Janus, I read Chapter 1 and I enjoyed it deeply.

And that means a lot coming from me, as I usually NEVER read fanfic... but this.. this was deep and emotional. A Toa returning home to find his comrades slain and his people slaughtered and his city destroyed.

This is very good Janus, I look forward to reading more.

EDIT: And from what I remember reading... the Toa of Earth was a girl? I thought only males could be Toa of Earth...? Oh well, still good job.

Edited by Toa Kopaka TJByrum, Oct 04 2012 - 05:46 PM.

[Hahli Husky]

So I read all the chapters you have written like, over 2 years ago? I wish I had written my thoughts down then. But I enjoyed this story so much. The emotion is gorgeous and every scene is so beautifully written. It gripped at my feelings. I love the characters, and I love how you're not afraid to give them everything they need to be solid and real. Not overall good or overall bad. But just people trying to cope with their situations and doing what they feel is necessary. I still have really vivid images in my head of the different islands you described. It was a very exciting read, and the fact that I remember it so well tells me that it definitely caught my attention at the time. Which you know can be difficult to do.

Then of course you had to tear my heart out with the last bit you had written, and I've been hanging on for a conclusion ever since. I hope that after you finish posting all your chapters, maybe you'll start writing again? Or at least tell me what happens.

[Janus]

Wow Janus, I read Chapter 1 and I enjoyed it deeply.

And that means a lot coming from me, as I usually NEVER read fanfic... but this.. this was deep and emotional. A Toa returning home to find his comrades slain and his people slaughtered and his city destroyed.

This is very good Janus, I look forward to reading more.

EDIT: And from what I remember reading... the Toa of Earth was a girl? I thought only males could be Toa of Earth...? Oh well, still good job.

 

I'm really glad to hear that, especially because I feel that Chapter 1 was a bit of a rough start.  Nowhere near as powerful as the later chapters--but I'm glad you enjoyed it!

 

You are correct that in canon storyline only males can be Toa of Earth, but I kind of don't like canon.  I think that's silly and so I play with whatever universe I want--as you'll see the more you read.

 

So I read all the chapters you have written like, over 2 years ago? I wish I had written my thoughts down then. But I enjoyed this story so much. The emotion is gorgeous and every scene is so beautifully written. It gripped at my feelings. I love the characters, and I love how you're not afraid to give them everything they need to be solid and real. Not overall good or overall bad. But just people trying to cope with their situations and doing what they feel is necessary. I still have really vivid images in my head of the different islands you described. It was a very exciting read, and the fact that I remember it so well tells me that it definitely caught my attention at the time. Which you know can be difficult to do.

Then of course you had to tear my heart out with the last bit you had written, and I've been hanging on for a conclusion ever since. I hope that after you finish posting all your chapters, maybe you'll start writing again? Or at least tell me what happens.

 

Yeah, I think was like two years ago or something.  Surprising that I still never finished this story in all that time. 

I'm really glad that you you love the characters, though, because to me they're what really make this story.  As much as I love the plot that I've got planned for this, and the concepts I throw around--if the characters are poor then nobody's going to care about the plot or concepts.  As for heart-tearing--yeah, that's basically where I stopped writing.  But I did do a little more writing on one of my bus trips to see you--so maybe I'll do more sometime again and actually finish this.  I know exactly where it's going.

 

Thanks for the review <3

 

-Janus

Edited by Janus, Dec 07 2012 - 03:01 AM.