LSO COT 2012 - Team Two Review Topic
Posted Jul 26 2012 - 01:02 PM
Once the epic topic reopens, feel free to switch up your writing order, collaborate, or even drop out of writing if you wish. Have fun!
Posted Jul 27 2012 - 02:54 AM
I had a lot of fun writing this story. It was kind of in a genre that I'm not used to, but I think we managed to pull this off rather well. Also, we posted a lot. I was expecting all the teams to be straining the 4 posts per day rule, but most of them didn't, but it was cool to see that we managed to expand this story at a good pace.
I think we've solved most of the obvious mysteries by now, and I liked how we managed to pull it off. But there are still plenty of characters left to deal with, so it'll be fun when we have the chance to finish this story. The names did kind of become a pain to write... I apologize for introducing Alkiviadis into the mix cause it seems needlessly complex. (It's apparently some Greek name that I looked up and chose for it's... well, complexity.) Another issue I found I had was figuring out who the Raven's were... it seems that both Alkiviadis's people and Syrena's people were of the same tribe, so I assume they were the lower and upper classes respectively. (Wasn't my intention; my idea was that Syrena just conquered a random people who would be unrelated to the Ravens, but it still works out.) Despite this, I think we managed to come with some diversified characters, and kept their personalities flowing between all of our chapters. I liked what everybody brought to this story, and I hope my material was decent enough too.
And I'll just throw this out here: a name for the story could be Blade of Tenshiryu. I mean, it's the key thing everybody wants in this story, and I think it's fitting. Or some variation thereof. Any other thoughts?
Now to see how our story compared to Team One's in the judging.
Tahu was a Toa of Fire
His surfing career coundn't be higher
But then his luck turned; he fell and got burned
Which caused Toa Tahu to expire
Posted Jul 27 2012 - 11:42 PM
That aside, this was really really fun. There wasn't a single chapter I didn't think was well use, nor any real discrepancies (Though I will admit: I have no idea how the land here is arranged. I guess there's a valley and some mountains? Where? How far apart? What with the village, where's that? I don't know.) and every character contributed something to the plot. I wish we had more female characters though, here we mostly had all these warriors and some old guys. Queen Syrena was pretty much it, and she was kind of an antagonistic figure, so I guess that was kind of my main motive for introducing Aimilia? She was cool.
The only thing I wasn't that big a fan of is 55555's second-to-last chapter. I'd gone to rather lengthy ways to establish the Raven as a matriarchy, so I felt the sudden talk about a Raven Lord was kind of jarring. Of course, there's a certain level of fridge brilliance involved in that; since Zykard was reading it, it's possible he didn't think females could go against a monster like Tenshiryu and win, or just, things like that about women, so his mind substituted the Queen for a Lord. That, or Tenshiryu clouded his mind to make his defeat more "dignified." There's various ways of looking at it. So I guess that was kind of logical.
Anyway, about the name, Blade of Tenshiryu sounds good, but it's just very...straightforward, and kind of old fashioned. (The item of x) I'm all for it if that's what everyone wants, but I think we should try something a little more poetic. A Sword and his Warrior? Wait no, that's stupid...Mindful Bloodlust? Sharpest Mind? Aagh all my ideas are terrible :x
Posted Jul 28 2012 - 06:34 PM
Anyways, I usually get nitpicks done first, but with these LSO round robins, I find it better to go through chapter by chapter. And I know you were limited for editing, with this being a contest thinger and such, but either way, starting at the beginning:
Chapter 1 (Pahrak):
Nice name change, btw.
Anyways, I don't think I've read much of your work before this, but I do like your writing style. You did a great job setting the stage for the entire epic. There were all these descriptions in your first chapter that I highlighted on my printout that I really liked, but I don't want to clog up the review with them. But yeah, I love medieval-ish settings, with mages adn castles and kings and queens etc etc.
I know this was a LSO competition and stuff, and you guys were a bit limited as to editing and whatnot, but I'm gonna go ahead and point out the nitpicks I found, maybe it'll help if you do decide to go in and edit.
I think you're missing a word there, I assume it was 'it', but I'm not entirely sure.
Norscu stepped to the side, leaving the light unopposed and allowing[???] to blind the warrior.
Chapter 2 (xccj):
Again, I don't think I've read your much of your writing prior to this, my bad.
Tell me if I'm going out on a limb here, but did you mean 'raven'?
Ravel-like sculptures graced the outer walls, and the carved eyes seemed to be staring down at those entering.
He had spent most of his life with the nomads; he had been abandoned in the fields as a young boy, and it was Norscu and his clan who had adopted him and raised him. He had been found only with the clothes on his back and a single weapon; his claymore Tenshiryu.
I did have one question partaining to the above quote. About how young was Zykard? Was he a baby with a huge killer sword, or was he a young boy who didn't know about his own family? Somewhere in between?
Chapter 3 (55555):
Alkavadis walked out of the throne room and into the muted bustle of the dusty streets.
Well it's never a good sign, the first word in your first chapter is a nitpick. Nice XP "Alkiviadis", but I know you knew that.
Nothing wrong with this paragraph. Quite the opposite, I just really like it, with the Raven imagery, I thought I'd point that out.
The power of the Raven was strong but not wide. Their army was experienced and deadly, but small in number, A sword such as Tenshiryu would change all these things, the Raven would soar above the other warlords and brittle kingdoms, the world would once more hear the cry of the Raven over all the lands.
Chapter 5 (Pahrak):
It's okay, I didn't forget dotcom or Chapter 4, there was just nothing to nitpick there, which is a good thing. Plus I didn't want to be like a broken record and say that I hadn't read much of dotcom's stuff before etc. etc.
But yeah, in chatper five, only one thing.
As a personal thing, 'warrior-turned-guard' looks better, I think. When I first read over that, I thought it was something like a warriror turning to a guard to pace or something weird like that.
As the warrior turned guard began to pace the length of the wall, he spotted rustling in the nearby bushes and readied for battle.
Chapter 7 (5's):
Zycard whirled around, bringing Tenshiryu up in a combat stance.
Zukard stood, head lowered, watchful, silent and relaxed.
Also, the battle scene after that last typo was very well done, although expansion wouldn't have hurt.
Personally, I find that a bit redundant. Slap me if I'm getting too particular.
Zykard straightened up, p[anting only slightly. Where twenty living men had stood none now breathed, only twenty bodies of dead men.
Chapter 10 (xccj):
'shinned' to 'shone'. I was originally gonna say 'shinned' minus an 'n', but I had to consult Google about the difference between 'shined' and 'shone'. It said that 'with a direct objec, use shined. Without a direct object, use shone'.
Dakari stood on guard as the moonlight shinned down through the mist.
Chapter 11 (5's):
Typo, up there.
"I know what you are thinking, Elder. Yes, I am of the force that comes here, hat will be pounding at the gates and burning your homes. [...]
"We" reads better, IMO.
"Trust me in this, Dakari. Us elders must have our secrets. [...]
That bit about blessings/curses I really liked, it's hightlighted on my printout. The 'r' thrown into 'at', though, I didn't like so much.
"But art what cost Elder? No magic such as this is free, all blessings from darkness come with a curse."
Chapter 12 (dotcom):
Oh, finally. I thought I'd never get to nitpick one of your chapters!! XP
'In its outside' just sounded weird, I attribute it to in/out opposites. Just to point it out.
In its outside were dozens of intricate black raven-like structures.
'Not-too-cleverly-hidden', as a suggestion.
He entered through a not-too-cleverly-hid doorway and was startled when he met no resistance.
Chapter 15 (5's):
If I could quote all of chapter 15, I would. But that would just be obnoxious. So I will settle for saying that it was a brilliantly written chapter, John. Very good job, there.
Chapter 17 (Pahrak):
'Once', is missing the 'c'. At least that is what I presume.
Aimilia stood against the other wall, one out of Zykard's attack range, and listened in fear as the warrior shouted.
Heh, isn't it a bit too late for that now?
No matter what, he would not allow himself to take an innocent life...
Chapter 18 (xccj):
'left' to 'leapt' or something of the like. Also, what happened to the axe in his leg? ("I used to be an awesome fighter, then I took an axe to the knee.")
Zykard left to his feet, throwing Dakari back with a lunge of his sword.
Singular/plural disagreement, methinks.
"[...] That was the actions of the warrior Zykard.
Chapter 19 (5's):
Hey there, 5's. You a bro, ya kno dat? Now lemme see yo swagga.
"Thank you Alkiviadis. You a white mage of a low order, have betrayed your morals.[...]
Ahaha, j/k. I shouldn't make fun of people's typoes, it'll come back to bite me. "You" to "you're'.
Okay phew. Glad that's off my chest.
One thing about Zykard that I made a note of on my printout. He is always thirsting for battle, but as soon as he finds one, he makes such short work of his enemies, it's like all in vain, I feel like.
Also, Dakari. (pokemon nerd here, misread it as 'Darkrai' a gazillion times) But yeah. He started out just wanting Zykard to get lost so he (Dakari) could be the best warrior in the village. But skip to chapter 17 and beyond, he wants Zykard's heart on a platter, so to speak, which struck me as a bit extreme.
Anyways, one thing I liked about your group's dynamic was that you all took varying stances regarding the character. I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into things, but like, some of you portray Zykard as a conflicted yet valiant warrior, and another description I found was something about a 'demented mind', and like, the tone towards him was like that of a rabid animal. I just thought it was interesting.
Overall, I really did like the advernture-ish feel of your epic. It was all very well done, especially considering that you weren't allowed to plan or anything. It's awesome to see how the epic was expanded from the one prompt from HH, it was an enjoyable read. I think I mentioned before, but I love the medievalish setting, it was like something from my real-life bookshelf.
I hope you had a fun time writing this, guys, you did a great job! (edit: well looking over your posts in the review topic so far, it looks like you did =D )And I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for more of your writings in the future.
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