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Review Topic -- The Destiny of Bionicle

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#161 Offline avmatoran

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Posted Sep 25 2014 - 08:56 PM

I'm enjoying this story quite a lot. I personally hope it gets more exiting soon, though. Also, it should have been "us Matoran" at one point when you said "we Matoran". It's an object of a preposition, so it should be us. Sorry, my English teacher has trained me well.
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76561198084608045.png

 

Γαρ επιστιμη!

 

Для науки!

 

For science!

(Literally, it means "For knowledge", but it can be taken as "For science")

 

 

 


#162 Offline fishers64

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Posted Sep 25 2014 - 09:24 PM

*knowing eyebrow raise* Them theories above are looking better all the time. :evilgrin:
 
Chapter 28 - 30: *knowing eyebrow raise* Title for 30 feels like it fits with current events. :P
 
I like Hydraxon's comments about the Spinax. Koronga's moment with Mata Nui at the end was the saddest. I feel that the Koronga/Mata Nui communications are the saddest and haunting-est part of the whole epic. It overlays a lot of these other dryer events with a sort of rich pathos. 30's events and Koronga's delibrations over Movuak in 28 felt a little on the long side, even though 28 was dark and tightly moving along. 
 
I didn't like that the pirates got forgotten in here, though. Definitely wanted to see them clobbered after 28.

 

(I'll get to the nitpicky review later. I'm as blasted as you are with IRL bludgeoning at the moment; I'm just better at hiding it.  :P)


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#163 Offline LanceMuch7

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Posted Sep 26 2014 - 12:53 AM

Once again, a great chapter.

Although, I see a major flaw in the Trial of Death if you can break the test by simply unscrewing an exposed bulb... Just seems like something the remotely intelligent could exploit.

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Every hero is born from his enemy; every leader, his followers; and every father, his children.
 
 
 

#164 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Sep 29 2014 - 02:01 PM

Chapter 30 - "The flat of his staff came down and knocked the titan to his feet."

Did you mean "off his feet"? Wouldn't be a very effective attack if it helped the titan get back up. :P

 

Enjoyed the exploration of the Mask of Life's chambers and seeing how some of them really worked. I had forgotten about Umbra too (and now I remember the huge controversy over his colour scheme lol)... so fun to see all these characters from the Mask of Life arc for the first time, canonically!

 

The twist at the end is awesome. No matter how much he tries to fight destiny, it keeps on winding him into its own design and he's cursed to only remember parts of his vision after it's too late. And we really have only barely begun the history of the Matoran Universe... I wonder how this is going to affect his mind over the long term. Perhaps we'll see a period of madness and consequent inaction on his part, as he can't handle it anymore and retreats completely?

 

Dark Hunters haven't risen either yet, I think... there's still that to deal with.


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Part One of the Chrysalis Saga

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#165 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Oct 02 2014 - 01:12 PM

Oh, Koronga.....

 

 

I really liked this chapter; The OoMN members' banter, Umbra and Koronga's one-upping each other's light powers, and the way the Chamber of Fears is mentioned in passing :P.

 

-TLhikan


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"So I'm TL now?"
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#166 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Oct 06 2014 - 12:14 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 31: This or That

Note:

Neither of the images of the Mask of Shielding here are used for this purpose in canon Bionicle. The second specifically is of the "Spectral Mask" which was a mysterious ghostly being who appeared as a mask in much later story, but was completely unrelated to the main plot. However, it is canon that the Mask of Shielding is a symbol of Mata Nui, along with the carved stones featured earlier, and it's plausible that in the past he may have spoken through avatars in these shapes. If that theory, used here, is right, it would explain why they are symbolic of him.
 
Note:

Canonically Vakama's mask probably did have the silver paint at the top as well, but since the movie form, which this image is taken from, lacks this, I decided to explain it in-plot.
 
Note:

Actual Masks of Summoning will randomly select a nearby Rahi creature and cause them to come to you. But you will have no control over whether they will help or hinder. It's best used to ensure a distraction (at least, assuming the Rahi it summons is even noticeable). [This comment is part of a project to define such powers whenever they are mentioned, especially when the masks are just mentioned because a Matoran wearing the same shape is featured. I haven't had time to put it in yet for every instance.]
 
Note:

Cog Mountain is non-canon. It was the name of this building, but it only ever existed as concept art for one of the Bionicle movies. There were going to be multiple Cog Mountains, apparently named because if you looked at it from the top down it resembled a cog in shape. The idea, and this image, is so cool I decided to repurpose it as a single building for my story. It will also help lead into a canon event whose backstory is unestablished, in coming chapters, which began with unidentified disputes between Ta-Metru and Po-Metru. The event is confirmed to involve a warehouse, but little else is known.

The only part of this concept that remained canon were the Assembler's Village huts that are often placed in canyons in Po-Metru, visible between the two structures here. Most likely the canon parts warehouses are placed roughly in the same relationship to Assembler's villages.
 
Note:

The image for the unusual hut is my modification and cropped portion of one of the earliest concept art pieces for Metru Nui. Most of the rest of it is very different from canon Metru Nui, and shows many different elemental styles mixed and intertwined. This was one of the few that could be cropped out without much hint of the vastly different intertwined styles in the rest of the image. It is also my color edit of this portion; the hut itself was originally brown, looking more like it belonged in Po-Metru, and the background was silver with no hint of red.
 
Note:

Image for the statue is concept art of unknown purpose.





Replies to reviews:

av, this is actually a fascinating subject in grammar, and the answer isn't as simple as you might think. Sorry to delve into this but why not. Grammar geek here. :P Actually there are three options:
 
1) Go with "us Matoran" -- but sound silly because most speakers of modern English associate "us people" with a dialect that overuses such phrases (putting them as subjects, etc.). (I actually like doing that sometimes to sound silly on purpose for humor value, and there's nothing objectively wrong with the dialect, but it would sound too silly in this case.)
 
2) Find another way to word it that avoids the issue. (Okay, but usually they're more wordy. In some situations they're more concise and I'd do it.)
 
3) Treat the 'we' as a determiner for the actual object of the preposition (Matoran), not the object itself; in that case either we or us could work since determiners lack case properties, and since 'we' sounds better, I go with that. In this case it is short for "Neither of the Matoran here, and we (the group including me) were the Matoran in question." (Some say we sounds silly too, but they seem to be rarer. Basically, don't assume your lower-level grammar teachers know all there is to know about grammar, similar to not assuming lower-level fiction writing teachers do etc. :) But that's okay -- opportunity to learn more! ^_^)
 
 
 
fishers, I can understand that, but I felt if I included going after the pirates in the story, it would be less realistic (since it made more sense for the Order to do it themselves), and unless I had a twist in it to build off of, it would probably feel too predictable in practice. Chose to go another route instead. :shrugs:
 
 
Lance -- it's highly unlikely anybody would think of it, and even if they did, they'd have to try many wrong lightstones before they found it. (And I had in mind that sensors would also detect attempts on the wrong bulbs, and do something in response, like lockout programs for wrong password attempts.) You'd basically need a way to turn it off; what if it was malfunctioning? You wouldn't want somebody to have to die permanently just so somebody else could fix it.
 
 
TN -- huh, I thought I saw and fixed that typo. Maybe I did it twice and I'm thinking of an earlier instance...

Edited by bonesiii, Oct 06 2014 - 12:46 PM.

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#167 Offline Pohatu: Master of Stone

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Posted Oct 06 2014 - 12:32 PM

Oh Akhmou, will you ever change?


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#168 Offline avmatoran

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Posted Oct 08 2014 - 07:16 PM

Okay, thanks. This is one of my most favorite chapters, and I'm not even sure why. I also enjoyed the previous one, and was especially happy when I saw Koronga using his light powers. I hope he does it more often! 

 

Also, I can see what the event Cog Mountain is leading up to. I'm curious what role Koronga will play.

 

What dialect sounds stupid for saying "us people"?


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Γαρ επιστιμη!

 

Для науки!

 

For science!

(Literally, it means "For knowledge", but it can be taken as "For science")

 

 

 


#169 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Oct 12 2014 - 04:58 PM

You'd think someone would learn to keep an eye on Ahkmou after a while :P.

 

Looks like the Civil War is coming up :(.


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#170 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Oct 13 2014 - 12:42 PM

Chapter 31

 

It has come to my attention that a change is needed within the governmental structure of our universe, to relieve the pressure of enforcement of the laws of peace off of the Brotherhood of Makuta.

This got confuzzling for me with so many of's and off's in the second part. :P Maybe better phrasing would be "to relieve the pressure on the Brotherhood of Makuta for enforcing the laws of peace"?

 

Good interpretation of the Cog Mountain concept art and how it tied into the increasing imbalance in Metru Nui. I did find this chapter leisurely and more about character building, which worked well for introducing the main players in Part 3. That is, I assume Vakama is going to have a central role here, otherwise I'm not sure why half of the chapter would have focused on him?

 

The stage is set for the Great Disruption.  :evilgrin: 


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Part One of the Chrysalis Saga

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#171 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Oct 13 2014 - 11:01 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 32: The League of Six Kingdoms

Note:

The image shown here of Zakaz buildings [the small image with green podlike shapes] is non-canon. It is from the same series of concept images as "Vakama's hut", and I'll be using more such cropped parts throughout this chapter. I chose this one to be Zakaz because it is remarkably similar to the canon image of Zakaz [the large image of green buildings].

Note:

This image I'm using as Zaktan's original form is non-canon. It is actually one of the earliest concept images for the Toa Mata -- Lewa, specifically. The Toa were originally going to be bad guys. The characters that Zaktan is later a part of (villains) arrive at an island in much the same way as the Toa Mata later will. Most likely this was an intentional allusion to the original idea portrayed in this image. It is canon that Skakdi had an original form prior to the form Zaktan was later seen as, and this image has some similar features. However, there is no canon image of any original Skakdi form.

Note:

This organization [Second Chances] is entirely non-canon.

Note:

The image used for Reidak's original form is the early concept art that Toa Onua was based on. Reidak shares the color scheme, including the red eyes, and even has a similar head shape; he was likely inspired by this image. The original was a very tiny side image compared to the concept Lewa that I used for Zaktan, so I enlarged it, blurred and resharpened, and traced over the lines again, plus I had to fix the colors again quite a bit.

Note:

This image [the gray lumpy rock towers with blue, bubble-like windows to watery interiors] is another from the concept art mentioned before. It is not canon that Ehlek's fortress had these characteristics.

Note:

The image used here for Ehlek's original form is my own edit of a simple depiction of his later mutated form that was in a Bionicle.com (non-storyline) game. My changes here are a lot more than with most other edits for this story; I removed spine spikes and even the other arm, which was holding a weapon that doesn't exist yet (pretend that in this image he's holding his other arm behind the one shown so you can't see it), as well as edited the torso and head. I also made the blue eye easier to see.

Note:

The image for the messenger is an edit of an image of Kalmah (read on for better ones of Kalmah himself).

The colors were changed, and a third eye the Barraki was given in his mutated form was removed. The image used for his fortress is another from the Metru Nui concept art, this time editing out something that crossed in front of it about halfway down.

Note [to sentence where Koronga lists three places named after TK]:

Technically the island isn't named after Tren Krom; it's called Tren Krom's Island as a nickname since that's where he's imprisoned, but most Matoran Universe inhabitants don't know that. Since Koronga does, he thinks of it that way, and assumes the Great Beings did too.

Note:

The image of the village [in Takadox's territory, on the coast of the Southern Continent] is actually of an alternate portrayal of a water Matoran village in much later story, called Ga-Koro. It is non-canon. Almost every detail about Takadox's land here is my own invention. The Tren Krom River is canon, but the map that depicts it doesn't make it clear which end is the source and which the mouth.

The next image [the tree-covered hills] is of the Southern Continent (technically), but of a completely different spot on it from how I'm using it.

Note:

The image used for Carapar is from the same source as the ones for the two Skakdi. It actually seems more similar to Carapar's mutated form than to the corresponding brown Skakdi in later story. That Skakdi was a darker brown, but Carapar is yellowish-brown much like this image. This was the early version of Toa Pohatu. I added the red eyes, however, to look more like Carapar, and took out some flying shards of stone that 'Pohatu' was portrayed as kicking apart.

Note:

This image [used as Carapar's fortress] is a concept sketch of the ground defenses surrounding Metru Nui's Coliseum. Similar castle-like defenses were canonized but the design was quite different. The original image showed the Coliseum on the right, and part of a transportation network on the left (that doesn't exist yet at this point in my story), which I edited out.

Note:

This image of Kalmah [the closeup on the face with black background] is from a concept comic from later storyline. I cropped it so most parts of his face that likely weren't part of his original form aren't visible, and again edited out the third eye.

Note:

It's unknown if there are multiple types of Widget in the system used throughout most of history. This image is of a later makeshift currency that was modeled after the original kind loosely, for lack of anything better. My explanation of the details here is non-canon.





Replies to reviews:

av -- I don't recall if linguists have given it a technical name. Probably. It's whatever dialect does that. :P


TL -- Yep, although we have Barraki stuff to deal with first.


TN -- Yeah, I don't mind answering that. Not a super-major role, part of it is just that that's when Koronga needed to choose a permanent career path, and the other person had to be somebody.

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#172 Offline Pohatu: Master of Stone

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Posted Oct 14 2014 - 04:59 PM

Wow! I never expected you to use the concept art of Pohatu as Carapar!


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#173 Offline fishers64

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Posted Oct 17 2014 - 08:41 PM

Chapter 28: 
Pirates with silence powers...There are Rahkshi of Silence, and that's a Makuta power, too. I thought for a bit Makuta might be involved in the outfit. Disruption of Matoran's peaceful lives to get them to appreciate the Brotherhood and all that. Although kind of a flimsy theory. 
 
*sigh* They're just pirates. 
 
Chapter 29: 

We'd brought as much weaponry and supplies as we and Spinax could carry. Not to mention bags and bags of money. It was all too heavy to carry the vast distance across the continent, but that was quickly remedied by spending a good portion of the money to buy a cart large enough for both of us, Spinax, and our stuff.

Somebody's loaded. *whistles* I question the wisdom of going after pirates in a big bulky cart and carrying a bunch of money that pirates want. :P That would do as a good bait for a trap though, but if they were going to do that, why not take Maglya's barge? :P  
 
Makes me wonder why Moavak didn't see through it. 
 
Chapter 30: 
 

Hydraxon remarked that he should purchase Energy Hounds for all the Maxilos robots.

For some reason this statement strikes me as funny, although I don't think it was intended that way.
 
Side note: wondering if the detail about Maxilos being a good tracker is, in fact, canon. 
 

"I have a way to find out," Axonn said. "They may not be watching this direction, but I'm sure at least some must be stationed on the walls on this side."
 
He went in alone. Facing the wall, his mask glowed.
 
When he returned, he said, "The truth set in all their minds is that Brutaka has abandoned the Brotherhood. They believe that in recent years, he was not actually fighting the warlords at all. They have sent for a Makuta to come help, who should be arriving any moment now."

Use of the Mask of Truth here seems a little too close to mind reading for my taste. :shrugs: Although the exact method wasn't revealed, though.  
 

30h_Brutaka.png

Soon after this we crossed through the mountains, and Axonn led us to a spot in the nearby rocky foothills.
 
Brutaka must have seen us coming, because he walked toward us in the open. But as he got nearer and saw Mantax, he tensed and brandished his double-bladed sword defensively. In the daylight, I noticed that he had two smaller limbs coming out of his back with blades on them. They reminded me of the Skrall titan, Tuma.

 
This picture seems oddly placed. IMO it should go after the second paragraph.
 

It was an odd shape, something like a giant cylindrical crystal of brown rock, with only a slight conical shape to its sides. Lava poured off -- not a lot at a time, but it fell so fast blobs of it could be seen bouncing away from the main stream and flying down through the air, solidifying mid-flight, then smashing to pieces against the ground.

Weirdest lava I've ever read. Weirdest volcano, too. 
 

We continued in, seeing several lightstones inside. Then we came to a sturdy locked door made of metal. Axonn placed a key in the lock and opened it.

 
??? - Never read this in any of the books...seems to be the Piraka animation version, which would be more semi-canon. It's more cool though. :)

 

It was this mask that gave life to Mata Nui, and to all others who dwelled in him, I realized. 

I nitpick, but I'm not fully sure of this. 
 

As we approached Moavak's camp, Axonn and Brutaka again affirmed that they would look after the village, and that they would take care of the pirates and make sure our belongings were returned. They would soon make good on that, leaving them with a trusted friend at the northern village until we could pick them up as we made our rounds, but my tale of this day is not yet complete.

Missed this the first time though. 

 

He gave no answer, but looked very thoughtful for a long time afterward. Later, he apologized graciously for his reaction to what he'd seen. I assured him it was all forgiven.

Weird reaction for a hardened Agori, bones...
 
Chapter 31: 
 

And yet, reforming could not be done, at least not if he wanted to stop the megaquakes, right away. This was because gravity had already violently reshaped the moons.
 
Mata Nui had been able to dampen those much smaller quakes, but what he couldn't stop was the breaking up of the rock of those worlds. They would need time to fuse themselves naturally into a form that could be safely reformed.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean here. There was a part about things being too unstable to bring back together, but I'm not sure what gravity has to do with this. :???:
 

The subconscious, by contrast, was not a single line. It was an interconnected web, something that in our programming section of robotics at the Great Being fortress was called parallel processing. Multiple lines of reasoning could run at the same time in different areas, and even connect 'sideways' whenever needed to aid each other. This made it impossible to read it all in just a single way in time.

Just noting this as an interesting analysis.
 

One of the things Helryx had told me was that in the very first moments of the Matoran Universe, everybody had spoken in the pure formal grammar. The vocabulary had also been much larger. The Great Beings had assumed this would continue forever, but with full intelligence came the need to simplify vocabulary and to be more casual so common phrases could be communicated more quickly. The whole point of Matoran had been to use imagination to overcome unforeseen problems, so they used that here too. So modern Matoran had rapidly developed by the time the skies were lit.

This is an interesting explanation for the Rau.
 

Every two years he'd give me the updated count.

Lol. 

 
I feel that Vakama is portrayed well here - very IC, with the dual apprenticship, the wimpy indecisiveness. Even the firestaff is explained well, including why he likes it and his work so much. Him and Koronga's interactions ring true to both characters. 
 
-------------------------------------------------------
 
If what you've written happened with Cog Mountain, wouldn't Onewa remember that Ahkmou was a bad apple and immediately suspect him of being traitor? 
 
I suppose it can be argued that he did, but some of his dialogue in Mystery of Metru Nui seems more consistent with the "I am now realizing this" theory. Maybe he was trying to cover his old beef with Ahkmou by milding it out. Happens. :shrugs: 
 
Chapter 32: I like the description of Ehlek's land - that aquatic area is actually pretty cool. The killing Toa is of mild interest, as is Turaga Hagahu's situation. (Honestly, though, when he gave Koronga is anti-tracking device my mind marked him for dead, though.)


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#174 Offline Glenfoxx

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Posted Oct 20 2014 - 02:10 PM

I love how you are weaving an intricate web out of the tangled Visorak lair that the Bionicle is. The Fan in me yells for joy. :D

. . . Its just a little too dry for me. :P Granted, the format of the story is good and logical, but it reads more like a dry history exposition. There are a few definitive moments (namely when the protagonist is in peril) and the whole shape-shifting concept is simply imaginative and frankly super cool.

I really really want to enjoy this cup of tea, but the flavor is somewhat . . . complicated. It needs a dash of spice. But Kudos and keep it up!


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#175 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Oct 22 2014 - 10:16 AM

I'm siding with Glenfoxx here on the historical exposition style. That obviously is the intention, and it needs to be that way for the realism of Koronga writing all of this as a memoir. Even so, I feel Chapter 32 stood out a bit because it covered so many lands and described each of them very clearly and straightforwardly. That's great for painting a full picture, but it felt like Koronga was simply sliding past all of it until he ran into a relevant character or incident.

 

Can this be changed? I'm hesitant to say yes because I realize how tricky it is to just throw in more action while maintaining the focus of the story. It would be worse if Koronga randomly detoured into some irrelevant adventure for two pages, even if it was awesome to read. Unity is important here as he is the author and is trying to bring all these threads together in order to achieve his objectives.

 

Otherwise - I did like this chapter. Ehlek's fortress was pretty cool to imagine and I appreciated the idea that his subjects would be adapting to his environment rather than the other way around (swimming into his space rather than asking him to leave it). The encounters with the Skakdi were fun to read as I could really sense the tension as Koronga tried to lie his way past and simultaneously figure out if they could see past his lies.

 

That said, there was a lot of mind skimming in this chapter. It's necessary when on a spy mission, of course, but I felt it became excessive. It's a borderline deus ex machina - don't know enough? Just mind skim the nearest being! Koronga mentions that he doesn't like doing this due to the personal violation it constitutes, so perhaps his discomfort can be amped up so that he can't do it as often?


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APlayofLight_zps1888c63b.jpeg

 

Part One of the Chrysalis Saga

By Takuta-Nui


#176 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Oct 22 2014 - 07:25 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 33: So Much Rubble

Note [to the second of the three VNOG setting images; comment is attached to paragraph with "walls between gaps in rock" in it]:

Both landscape images of this region and the building interior below are from a mostly non-canon online game Bionicle produced, taking place far in the future, and possibly these structures (if they are canon at all) were not yet built at this time. I'm running with the theory that they were, if only because I like it better this way, heh.

Note:

These images are of Sarda and Idris's later mutated forms. But they probably would have looked similar enough, and did wear these masks.

Note [to whole section with Lhikan, comment attached to paragraph with "You should keep the helmet."]:

Very little is known about Lhikan's early life other than that a particular Toa of Fire once rescued him later than this time (unrelated to this chapter), and that he had this helmet. 'Lhii' was a mythical figure that was told about much later in history to symbolize Lhikan; my use of it here as his original name is non-canon.

The images used here for his Mask of Shielding are actually the set version and movie version of the same mask; my use of them as two canon forms of the mask at different times is non-canon. Also, there's reason to think neither form as seen much later is necessarily exactly how it looked at this time (as will be clearer much later in this story).

Note that it -is- canon that a mask may change shape when placed for the first time on a new owner's face, though the reason and mechanism I give here is not confirmed.






Replies to reviews:

fishers -- correct me if I'm remembering wrong, but I thought they teleported to the continent (to a place Koronga was familiar enough with), and the cart was used the rest of the way. Those are sea pirates so that isn't likely to be a problem. If they did use a boat to get there (hey it's my memory), it would still be faster and safer to go as the crow flies (or fish swims? :P) right to the continent rather than wait for the next barge trip and be there at all its (well-known) stops along the way.

Good catch about that Brutaka pic. I was short on time to check all of them (they almost always need manually re-placed every chapter).

Good point about Axonn. I kinda thought he had some kind of mental power that he combined with the mask usage, but checking BS01, I may have confused that with his healing power (which healed Gali's mind at one point; they make it sound more like the fact that it was a mind was irrelevant). Easily fixed with soldier chatter being overheard and judged as true though.

Yes, that door is from the Piraka anim version as explained in one of the comments.

Koronga's statement about the Ignika giving life to Mata Nui is a theory (whether his or mine I don't care much :P). Probably should be clarified in a comment.

Only mention of gravity I see in the part you said was confusing seems to be clear to me; the sentence itself says what it did, so not sure what else to say. If you're confused why it takes so long for the moons to stabilize and what that means, so am I, so oh well. :P

Re: "hardened Agori", I don't see how you figure, but suffice to say, he's been immersed in Matoran culture for a long time anyways now.

As for your question about Ahkmou... wait and see. :)


Glen -- Well, without knowing what kind of "spice" you have in mind, it's hard to judge whether you were hoping for something that this could reasonably improve on or something it wasn't intended to do (so just a matter of taste). My best guess is that you're reacting in the expected way to the fact that this story purposefully sets some bars low so as not to bite off more than I could chew or outshine the canon or other fanfics too much. :) It may also be that the kind of "spice" you're thinking of might actually be lower quality in terms of the goals I was aiming for here. :shrugs: Either way (or whatever), that's okay. :)

As for "dry history"... I've had to read dry history in history classes, and this ain't like that, yanno? There's a few things here and there that Koronga had to summarize for sake of lack of space and to be clear what happens when, but most of it is being lived out as close to the real way life would go (in that world) as possible. Depends, too, on what would, to you, be "non-dry" -- it may be melodrama or something like that, that would be bad in other ways? I can only guess here, but it's probably a reaction to my intentional choices to ignore traditions of some fiction to be unrealistic for emotional reasons or the like (which is okay if you're watching the A-Team... or canon Bionicle for that matter, but one of my goals here was to bring consistent realism to Bionicle :)), which personally tends to irk me when I see it being done.

But perhaps you could give specific examples so I could judge whether this is the case or if there is legitimate room for improvement. :)

 

Now, it is telling a story with a "teaching history" purpose to it (from Koronga's point of view, though that's not his main goal; you'll have to wait until the end to understand that), but that's not the same thing as a history textbook; that only means that it's telling things that happened in the past from the narrator's POV. :)


TN [reply added at the last minute; I only saw your post after typing the above]: Lemme quote one key part that seems to give a clue to what the issue or misunderstanding might be:

"Chapter 32... covered so many lands and described each of them very clearly and straightforwardly. That's great for painting a full picture, but it felt like Koronga was simply sliding past all of it until he ran into a relevant character or incident."

Koronga was sliding past it and observing major details about it, though. That is not only relevant to "historical exposition," but also in some schools of fiction is considered necessary for establishing setting. Tolkien tended to follow this school of fiction for example (in LotR specifically, "tended" is a huge understatement). I didn't always like this style; when I was young I had trouble getting through LotR largely because of this (that may be what's going on here with some members), but I still did recognize it as objectively higher quality. And later on when I had matured and went back to it, I had none of those issues with it and enjoyed it more than typical fiction that only gives you unclear glimpses into settings.

Koronga is definitely trying intentionally to show his Spherus Magna readers clearly what it was like to live at that time and that needs to include clarity about the world. He is NOT merely including details that are only relevant to plot in a simplistic sense (though I would quibble with calling them not relevant; if you actually live in a world, the setting and things you just notice and find interesting as you pass by ARE relevant to you as a person, so they are relevant in character-based stories -- perhaps not in plot-based stories but this isn't one).

Does that help? :)

"Can this be changed? I'm hesitant to say yes because I realize how tricky it is to just throw in more action while maintaining the focus of the story. It would be worse if Koronga randomly detoured into some irrelevant adventure for two pages, even if it was awesome to read. Unity is important here as he is the author and is trying to bring all these threads together in order to achieve his objectives."

Right, and if "flashy" things like "action just for the sake of keeping fans from being bored" is what people are wanting for "spice", that's definitely contrary to the goals here and I would argue contrary to quality fiction. But I don't want to read too much into this (I certainly don't think you mean this literally in that way, and I don't know if that's what Glen meant etc. -- let's just say, IF that's what anybody means, that's what I'd say :) ).

As for the mind skimming, remember that my method of writing self-regulates, and I'm not allowed to authorially guide it to chase after individual personal tastes (nor would that really work anyways as those vary).

Off the top of my head, I can't think of any uses that contradict his balancing need to use it sometimes with when he would realistically choose not to use it, or any that are unrealistic (as in overpowered), as he can only get what they actually are focusing on consciously at the moment. There's tons of things he might want to know that he can't get with that power (and normal mind reading powers might... so I would argue this is way less than normal stories with telepathy :P). It's not nearly so convenient as "just skim the nearest being" makes it sound.

Also, that's not what Deus Ex Machina means; that is some unexpected being coming in to rescue a character, rather than the character solving problems on their own. His studying to gain a power and using it realistically within its abilities (and his conscience) is not at all like that, anymore than a story about a soldier having a gun that works according to the rules of guns would be. It might feel odd to us since we don't live in a universe where powers like that exist, but that doesn't make something a DEM, anymore than telling a story about a world with guns to somebody from a culture without them would.

Now if somebody just randomly showed up at a plot-convenient time and handed him a gun and he didn't earn it at all, then I'd call that similar to a DEM, but actually granting of powerful tools is a commonly accepted form of it in tons of fiction (irks me a bit, but I wouldn't accept an argument that I couldn't use it if I wanted to, since so many readers of esp. fantasy accept it), that is not the same as what DEM normally refers to (the unexpected being actually directly acting). That's because the granting of the tool still requires the protagonist to be responsible and smart about how to use it. :) (You could perhaps argue that destiny itself does that for Koronga in some ways, but then it also does that for everybody so yeah.)


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#177 Offline Pohatu: Master of Stone

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Posted Oct 22 2014 - 08:01 PM

Now this is an interesting turn of events! Koronga giving Lhikan his name... I wonder if Vakama's tales had their roots in the actual Lhii.


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#178 Offline fishers64

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Posted Oct 27 2014 - 10:59 PM

fishers -- correct me if I'm remembering wrong, but I thought they teleported to the continent (to a place Koronga was familiar enough with), and the cart was used the rest of the way. Those are sea pirates so that isn't likely to be a problem. If they did use a boat to get there (hey it's my memory), it would still be faster and safer to go as the crow flies (or fish swims? :P) right to the continent rather than wait for the next barge trip and be there at all its (well-known) stops along the way.

Yes, they did teleport. I'll concede that the point doesn't hold much water.
 

Good catch about that Brutaka pic. I was short on time to check all of them (they almost always need manually re-placed every chapter).

The pictures also make the topic harder to load sometimes, so it can scroll randomly if I try to read before my browser finishes, which is up in the minutes. Not too big of a deal, but can be annoying.
 

Re: "hardened Agori", I don't see how you figure, but suffice to say, he's been immersed in Matoran culture for a long time anyways now.

He did fight the Bone Hunter for that steed. Not sure either culture includes forgiveness, really, with all the wars and fighting going on. :(
 
Chapter 33: 
 

I stared at the broken pieces of stone the Matoran investigators of the Southern Continent village had laid out on a table.

"That's all we found in what had been his hut," one said.

"The whole thing collapsed," another added. "Days after the disappearance. We don't understand why."

These particular pieces had been found amongst the differently colored stone hut pieces. It had clearly been a tablet, but the collapse had shattered it.


For some reason this part left me confused; had to reread for clarity, because I thought the hut was made of stone, that Koronga was at a dead end, not that he had a tablet.
 

Later I'd learned more -- the Toa wasn't killing most who he opposed, he only killed in extreme situations, but ones in which followers of the Code still would not have because other options were available. The people he'd killed had been murderers themselves.

Why put this fact in here? I'll ask - when does he learn more, and why do we need to know this before that?

Or did he learn this before this incident with Hagahu? In that case, not only is the tense confusing, but when would he have time to learn this between chapters 32 and 33?

Anyway, that's pretty much all I've got - the rest of this is just sewn up in a way that makes sense. It's kind of funky that Koronga was distracted away from where he was at the beginning - in a way, understandable, but...

Does Koronga even care about these people in the MU very much? At this point, I'm leaning toward no. Seems to care about "stopping the evil" and by extension Spherus Magna more. :shrugs: Could be wrong, and a bit understandable, I guess. 


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#179 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Nov 01 2014 - 07:50 PM

Chapter 33: A Matoran named Lhii? Seems like too much of a coincidence for me... ;) Although there have been similar names in the past so that can't be ruled out.

 

Nice to see the Voya Nui game artwork being used here! I forgot how gorgeous it really was. Kind of amazing to think of how much art was in that game, and it's great for you to expose new readers to that since I believe the game isn't playable anymore.

 

(Yep, I was right about Lhikan. Nice inclusion of his origin here.)

 

It's too bad Koronga couldn't have taken the Control Annex to the Apple Store for a proper Personal Setup with all the usernames and passwords. :P

 

Oohh. Lesovikk. Of course - I didn't think of that possibility for some reason. My mistake for assuming you were making up your own killer Toa. I caught the Lhikan bit but not this!


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Part One of the Chrysalis Saga

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#180 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Nov 02 2014 - 06:09 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 34: Dying Words

Note:

Image [for the Mask of Dimensional Gates] is concept art, unknown if it was meant to be this type of mask or not. What is known is that this Toa did wear that mask power. The Toa's element is unknown.

 

Note:

This [description and image of the creature Hagahu believed that he saw] is the appearance of a mythological nightmare creature in later Skakdi culture. You'll have to read on to learn why I'm using it here. :P Suffice to say, my use is non-canon, as is Hagahu anyways.

 

Note:

The Blade Burrowers are canon, and will be featured later, but this use of them [to carve Destral off its natural base so it could float] is only theoretical.

 

Note:

Image [used as a stylized Mask of Telekinesis for one of the Toa] is concept art of the Mask of Life, but is very similar to the canon form of the Great Mask of Telekinesis. The only canon images of that mask include an addon-visor; this is roughly what the version without that visor would look like.

 

[Additional note:

 

Please see a note early in the next chapter about canonicity of events in this chapter. Short answer is they're non-canon.]





Replies to reviews:

Pohatu -- Yeah, that's what I had in mind. :)



fishers -- Keep in mind that with a small population and vast lifespans, getting over interpersonal issues would be essential (goes both for Agori and Matoran really). Re: how he learned that about the killer Toa, I don't really recall exactly what I had in mind, but the context seems to imply he asked that investigator for more detail. Regardless, it's mentioned there because he likes keeping things organized and that's a trait I decided to have him show in several places to help establish character.

Re: your last paragraph, I don't know where you could get the idea that it's possible he doesn't care, given all he's doing for the people of both SM and the MU. I guess you must have a specific example in mind but I haven't been able to think of what it would be. :shrugs: But you're right that he isn't forgetting the people of SM and that's a big part of why he's here. Don't forget, though, that he also wanted to live among his people all along and now he is, and his character has been defined by a natural love for everybody; his personal flaws come more in how he goes about it (and perhaps naivete about good and evil, but ziplip :P).


TN -- Hey you win some you lose some. :P (Although isn't it cool how with this kind of thing you can win either way? Either you get a surprise, or you get to feel smart. =) )


Edited by bonesiii, Nov 02 2014 - 06:58 PM.

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#181 Offline Pohatu: Master of Stone

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Posted Nov 04 2014 - 09:15 AM

Wow! The artwork of Keetongu is really cool! The story is awesome as usual, too. You really are a pro at this. However, wasn't Irnakk a nonexistent thing? Just something used by the Skakdi leaders to keep the population in check? The only exception I can think of was in the Mask of Life arc, but how does that explain Irnakk with Hagahu? 

 

Edit: I see now that Irnakk will be explained later.


Edited by Pohatu: Master of Stone, Nov 04 2014 - 12:45 PM.

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#182 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Nov 14 2014 - 01:50 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 35: Candidates

Note ["vault of honor"]:

It's canon that this is basically what the Matoran believed happened to dead bodies (which were really being teleported to the Red Star), though not in these exact words.

Note:

It is canon that Lesovikk explored the southern islands, though the events of this and the previous chapter leading up to it are non-canon.

Note:

What is confirmed is that somehow Destral was made to float, and it will move around but by other means later (which cannot yet be the case). My interpretation that they made it float well before that other means was used is non-canon. We don't know exactly when either step was done.

Note:

To be clear, this theory as to why major events tend to happen at "big number" calendar dates is not canon.

Note:

It's unknown exactly when this dialect [that Matau was speaking] was invented or by whom. It's implied that it didn't take off until after a transportation invention it was named after came, possibly tens of thousands of years later. Or that invention may have come much earlier than I am portraying in this story.

Note:

Both the Moto-Sled and these automated flying cargo craft may have been invented only much later. The Moto-Sled never went into production as far as is known, but the other became quite common. There are similar craft much later that fly with components not invented for tens of thousands of years, so it could be that no equivalent existed yet. My interpretation of earlier versions being blimps is non-canon.

Note:

This image of Aldari's mask is part of a fan-made kit made by TNT, used with permission, and also based on the work of many others previously, such as Roablin and Matoran Onknu. I'll be using some other things from this kit later. This is the official mask shape (of Summoning), but the drawing itself is non-canon. Original kit form did not have the "Metru Stripe" silver; I added that, and a color edit (as is normal with kits).







Replies to reviews:

Pohatu -- All I can say for now is that canonically, yes Irnakk was just an invention of the rulers of the Skakdi. Whether there was an actual being or some kind of illusion in this story you'll have to wait and see. :)

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#183 Offline Pohatu: Master of Stone

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Posted Nov 14 2014 - 02:56 PM

I don't have many questions about this chapter, everything is well-explained, IMO. I liked the exploration of each of the Matoran. Funny how they would eventually become the Toa Metru! (With Nuju, too.) I'm gonna miss that Turaga though. If only Koronga hadn't gone to the Red Star all those many years ago...


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#184 Offline fishers64

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Posted Nov 14 2014 - 09:56 PM

Re: your last paragraph, I don't know where you could get the idea that it's possible he doesn't care, given all he's doing for the people of both SM and the MU. I guess you must have a specific example in mind but I haven't been able to think of what it would be. :shrugs:

I was thinking of how easily he was distracted from the Hagahu investigation by the Order communication system subplot. I mean, his friend was kidnapped, taken, and could even be dying - shouldn't he prioritize that over trying out his fancy new comm system? [I think I've got the events just slightly off here though - he tried out the comms in order to get the code to find his friend...anyway.]

Although that could be the result of emotional immaturity instead of being cold and heartless. I wonder how often I and others are prone to confuse those two, now that I think about it...[In any case, the coldness and heartlessness may be on part of the Order, not Koronga. That would make sense. :) ]
 

and his character has been defined by a natural love for everybody;

I must admit that it has been very hard to keep this in focus, even though it has been hinted at.

Chapter 34: I like the Irnakk mystery.

 

Theory: Makuta illusion, or another being with an illusion power, that also can destroy a hut (A Toa could do this, too, or a Rahkshi).

Not sure why Hagahu would be a target for any of that, but I'll see. I did predict his death, though, so kinda cliche and tropey, perhaps. :shrugs: Although perhaps this simpler story makes it easier to theorize, I imagine my theorizing luck will soon run out. (I'm actually starting to hope it does - the stuff I didn't see coming out of this one tends to be more fun.)

Chapter 35:
 

Accelerating my plans, I next went to a Le-Matoran named Matau.

Pun lol.

It's nice to see the Metru through a different lense of thought once again. I also like Aldari, and hope he doesn't end up dead as well. I just like this chapter - the ending feels suspenseful, even though the whole thing probably isn't too big of a deal. He's obsessing pretty badly. :P


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#185 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Nov 20 2014 - 05:08 PM

Caught up on the last two chapters. I'm very sad that Hagahu passed away, but his story thread was really well written now that I look back. It was significant, impactful, and made sense in the larger scheme, and helped drive the story along. Also helped push Koronga toward the big decision to use his mind reading abilities for the truly crucial individuals like Teridax, and get over more of his own existential fear.

 

Good introduction to each of the candidates - and a clever surprise at the end with rejecting Vakama lol. I'm sure Koronga will get surprised by that later on.


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Part One of the Chrysalis Saga

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#186 Offline bonesiii

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Posted Dec 11 2014 - 08:25 PM

Author's Comments for Chapter 36: Monsters of War

Sorry for the crazy delay and that this post won't have responses to reviews. On the upside, I have actually gotten back to progress on Part 9, finishing the longest chapter yet at 30 count 'em 30 pages. (Whoa. The longest one before that happened to be the chapter right before it, at 24 pages. Hey, I said Part 9 wouldn't be limited by the 20 pages rule. So yeah... :P)
 
On the plus side, I figured out for this chapter that I can use Find and Replace to put in the formatting for the images more quickly (rather than pasting the center tag open and close for each one manually). Might speed things up slightly in the future.

Note:

There are no canon images of Acid Flies. This is fan artwork made by Evil-Accret, used with permission.
 
Note:

The following scene [Makuta Miserix's meeting with the Barraki] is my own re-imagining of a canon scene, as I felt it fit in my story better this way. You can read the canon portrayal in Chapter 2 of the online serial, The Mutran Chronicles, on www.biosector01.com.
 
Note:

The Makuta making this Rahi [the Catapult Scorpion] is Chirox; it's confirmed it was one of his inventions. See later story for more about him.
 
Note:

First image of the [Catapult] scorpion is non-canon fan art by Evil-Accret, used with permission.
 
Note:

Sketch [of Nivawk; the later personal name of one member of this species of bird Rahi] is non-canon art by Galvaridarts, used with permission.
 
Note:

If you look closely, that's Barraki Kalmah inside the Spider Crab, who obviously isn't here in this scene. Image is from events much later than this. Also note, very little is known about this incident. As far as I know it's not confirmed that this took place after the request for war Rahi, and it's definitely not confirmed that Carapar used this type of Rahi for this.

Edited by bonesiii, Dec 11 2014 - 08:28 PM.

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#187 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Dec 15 2014 - 09:48 PM

No worries about the late update! It let me get things started on my own story, so it was a fortuitous break for me. 

 

With that, he turned and stormed out of the room, followed by the others.

What does a dragon turning around and storming out of a room look like, lol? I'm envisioning Smaug right now.

 

This was probably one of the best chapters thus far (and I'll bet the entire story) due to its introduction of Teridax's psyche. For a new reader, it makes plenty of sense to introduce his mind as deeply complicated, contradictory, and frightening since Koronga fears he will become the great evil he foresaw. And for veterans like myself, it's an awesome way to put into analytical words what was mostly implied or explained outright by canon and Greg F. And I think you got Teridax just right - enough familiarity for me to trust you weren't making up a new villain to suit your purposes, and enough unexpectedness to make me doubt what was really Teridax's personality.

 

A pretty pivotal chapter with the Barraki. I enjoyed reading this one very much, and hope the next update comes sooner than later!


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#188 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 19 2014 - 03:15 PM

Chapter 36: It makes sense. 


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