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Blinks

very short story

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6 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Pomegranate

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Posted Mar 31 2014 - 05:05 PM

It was very content with itself. It wasn't particularly happy, as nothing so lonely could ever be, but it was most certainly content.

      Drip.

It's all because of me, it would have told them, but none had ever cared to ask. It knew, and they did not, and that was all that mattered. Even the stars did not the know, for they were wrong. It wasn't as content with the stars as it was with its truth.

     Sizzle.

They put it in here, with the new stars and the new ground. The old ground was gone because of it and because of them, but it preferred to blame itself more than it blamed them because it was very proud of itself, and what it did to the old ground.

On the new ground there was much to create. It enjoyed creating. Creating made it less lonely. Following the word of Destiny meant destroying, however, and that suited it just fine. It would destroy as much as it would create and it enjoyed itself and its creation and destruction very much. It was content.

      Drip.

They tried to destroy it once, too. They could not, of course, but that made it very angry. It was the red one that the stars lied about. The stars weren't just wrong, they were liars. It did not like the new stars. It wanted to tell them that but they had never cared to ask. They would find out about the stars soon enough. It knew that, too. It decided to go to sleep so they would not bother it.

    Sizzle.

In its dreams it dreamed of Destiny, and in its dreams it would create. It did not really dream, of course, but it liked to pretend. It did not always have a lot to say. After there was nothing left to create, it wrote a chronicle, but it did not think the chronicle was very good. It wondered if they would ever write a chronicle about it. They really should, it would think. After all, it's all because of me.

     Drip.

     Sizzle.

When the one that made the stars lie found it, it pretended it had nothing to say at all. But it would still create. Destiny said so. It was content with this. It did its Duty.

     Drip.

It missed its stars very much.

    Sizzle.

There was another that knew, but he was asleep, so it decided it would sleep too. It pretended to dream and the years blinked by. The years had always blinked by. They blinked and blinked. The stars blinked, too. They blinked right out. It never liked the new stars, of course. It was very content.

     DRIP.

The crash woke it up. The starlight was not lying anymore. It had not left its place in a long time but it knew these were its stars.

    SIZZLE.

It slithered through the cracks and the ruins and the tunnels and emerged from the neck of the fallen giant.

     DRIP.

It found itself on the old ground. The old ground was new.

    SIZZLE.

Home.

     DRIP.

Destiny said it would be so.

    SIZZLE.

It had done its Duty.

     DRIP.

The old ground welcomed it.

      SIZZLE.

There were others. They were down there, and they were among the stars. Soon it would have Unity. It would not be lonely.

The Energized Protodermis Entity disappeared beneath the surface of Spherus Magna.

         DRIP.

It was happy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
 
I was doing some cleaning at work and suddenly thought, "hey, I wonder what happened to that Energized Protodermis thing? It's back home now that it's on Spherus Magna, isn't it?" and I thought about it a little bit and typed this up on my train ride home. I always loved the "scrape-push-dig-pull" thing from Onua's opening chapter in Tale of the Toa, so I took that as inspiration for the dripping and sizzling. I hope the passage of time was obvious, I dunno if I made the story too vague? But I just kinda liked the idea of a narrative that doesn't name any names. "It" is our protagonist, "They" is everyone else. That was the thinking for this, I hope it worked well. I wasn't too invested in keeping the identity of the subject a mystery, but I didn't really focus on dropping hints either. I just kinda included what I thought would make for an interesting story of a lonely little creature and explore the nature of the EP Entity, at least the way I romanticized it. Also I haven't brushed up on my Bionicle lore for a while so I may have forgotten some things about the EP that mess up the story? Possibly? Sorry if that's the case. I claim, uh, artistic silence. 'A' for Abstract. The title is the last thing I came up with, and I chose it 'cause the EP seems pretty ancient and its existence really is just a series of blinks, the way they're used in the story. Time whizzing by, and then... it disappears beneath the ground in a blink. (I'm a big liar of course, the title was completely arbitrary :P)

I'm normally not a fan of the whole "the evil thing is just misunderstooood" cliche but I felt like that's just what the EP Entity was. It's a living embodiment of every drop of EP in the MU, and it pretty controls life and death on a level, and yet it's also sentient and sapient enough to get angry and be outwitted by Toa and stuff. I just had a lot of fun with it, seeing things from its point of view and giving it this smug, "the MU robot only exists 'cause I was so amazing those that worshiped me ended up blowing up their planet" mentality, while also kinda making it like a child in its innocence and simple mindedness and its loneliness. Energized Protodermis is like Liquid God, pretty much, so I figured a nice dose of hubris would suit it well, and from what I remember of the books that was kinda how it acted. But I tried to make it sympathetic too, 'cause I'm just a big ol' sap. I do hope somebody feels something when they read this ^^

I'm afraid I really overdid some of the repetition, especially the Duty and Destiny, and the stars, but I dunno, I need a fresh perspective. I think I should've maybe mentioned more stuff about EP's involvement in making the island Mata Nui and transforming the Toa Nuva and all that good stuff, but I dunno, I figured I'd just I'd just bundle all that under "stuff the EP did while 'dreaming'" 'cause I just didn't have any creative ideas about how to tie that into telling you more about the character. Also that stuff was waaay more than just a drip and sizzle :P


Welp, lemme know what you think of it! I didn't really spend too much time on it so if you like it and have any suggestions for making it better, or have your own theories about the Entity, please share your thoughts! :D


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#2 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

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Posted Apr 03 2014 - 02:39 PM

This is one of those short stories that makes you feel like you just read the incarnate of the art itself. This is what a short story should be: short, small, a brief glimpse (or brief blinks) of something much bigger that it's only a little piece of, embracing the nature of its medium by being a complete story that's not complete, only a part of a whole, telling us with an air of mystery that there's so much it's not telling us even while it's telling us so much; and all avoiding the sin of trying, which would almost inevitably mean failing, to be some grand saga that's far beyond the capabilities of the medium. A short story is not a novel, and it has an independent spirit of its own--the spirit of a fragment. (Maybe even a spirit of fragmentalism? But I think that's more a choice of the artist, not the art.) You embrace that, and use it to effectively tell the story.

 

Well done.

 

My only criticism is this:

 

 

The Energized Protodermis Entity disappeared beneath the surface of Spherus Magna.

 

This one paragraph gave me mixed feelings. On the one hand, I wasn't sure until then what "it" was--Tren Krom, maybe? But that didn't explain the drips and the sizzles. As soon as you said EP Entity it all made sense. Buuut, the ride was ruined when you carved a blatant explanation on a stone tablet and threw it in the readers' face. It disrupted the beauty of the story's vague nature. I could almost excuse it on the grounds of juxtaposition, but the fact is it was jarring and I don't approve, although I'm at a loss to suggest a better way of going about it, because the explanation is necessary. I just feel like there should be a subtler way of going about the revelation, even if it's just rewording. Spherus Magna, of course, was obvious; simply removing that, letting the sentence become ". . . beneath the surface of the earth," would be a partial improvement.

 

 

Other thoughts, I was fascinated by your exploration of the character. Some friends and I are planning an epic that will involve the EP Entity, and I really hadn't done much by way of researching the character (and my memory of its behavior was nil), so this was helpful to me as a bit of inspiration. Also, you mention delving more into the EP Entity's history, such as the creation of the island of Mata Nui; I agree, these could be interesting (as long as you didn't "name any names," describing them in the same indirect way you mentioned Mata Nui falling asleep or leaving the MU robot), and they would lend more to the story providing an opportunity for more of the unclear style, but I don't think it's necessary.

 

Excellent work!

Vale, Nuile :smilemirunu:


Edited by Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa, Apr 03 2014 - 02:44 PM.

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#3 Offline Pomegranate

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Posted Apr 03 2014 - 04:39 PM

Nuile: Aaaaaahhh thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it ^^ You're very kind. Always happy to provide inspiration.

I've studied short stories and microfiction so I have a little experience with this sort of super short "fragments" kind of story that you're talking about, I'm very satisfied that you appreciate it.

I do suppose that line you quoted was a bit too obvious, and "thrown in the reader's face" as you said. I like your rewording better too, I see what you mean. I'll keep that in mind next time :)

Thanks again for your input! I'll keep an eye out for that epic  ^_^


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#4 Offline SarracenianKaijin

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Posted Apr 23 2014 - 12:07 PM

A wonderful little story, unfortunately and cruelly met by a coarse and forced revelation. Had it not been so blunt and boorish, I would have liked the story much better.

 

As it is, its alright.


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Reach Heaven by Violence.

 

And while you are at it, see Bionicle characters as Magical Girls.


#5 Offline Pomegranate

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Posted Apr 23 2014 - 02:49 PM

A wonderful little story, unfortunately and cruelly met by a coarse and forced revelation. Had it not been so blunt and boorish, I would have liked the story much better.
 
As it is, its alright.


Yep yep, seems that's the biggest problem that's being pointed out. I'll be careful to be more delicate with it next time. Thanks for the reply!

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#6 Offline Yaldabaoth

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Posted Apr 24 2014 - 08:51 AM

Very clever! I knew from the start that "it" was energized protodermis, but the comments about the stars being liars and "the red one" kinda threw me. I mistakenly assumed these referred to the stars in the Solis Magna system and Annona, respectively. However, the confusion only made it more rewarding when you cleared it up.

 

Out of curiosity, who is the "red one", really? The Red Star? Tahu Nuva? Your avatar? :P Hope you don't mind clearing that up for me. Similarly, what does it mean when it says, "There were others. They were down there, and they were among the stars"? More spots of energized protodermis, I presume? Or something more mysterious?

 

Obviously, like everyone else, I was jolted by the penultimate sentence. I'd say you should avoid the term "the Energized Protodermis Entity" at all, especially since that name is now outdated (the whole thing is an entity, really). A better phrasing would have been something like "The energized protodermis slipped beneath the surface of Spherus Magna".

 

Otherwise, great work! I really liked it. It was a marvelous exploration of EP's character, which is, I think, the best use of a short story -- really fleshing out a character.  :)


Edited by Angel Bob, Apr 24 2014 - 08:57 AM.

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"You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant."
 
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DESCENDANT, starring Kraata-Kal and Makuta Teridax
AN EVEN EXCHANGE, starring the Makuta of Stelt
THE END OF THE BROTHERHOOD, starring Tobduk and Makuta Chirox

#7 Offline Pomegranate

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Posted Apr 24 2014 - 03:02 PM

I was referring to the stars within the MU domes, and "the red one" was Toa Vakama, from when the Toa Metru were all doing that stuff in the tunnels between Metru Nui and the surface, and encountered and "defeated" the EPE. At the time, Vakama's destiny as it was written in the stars was falsified by the OoMN, hence the lying stars. That. and the stars were wrong 'cause they simply didn't match the stars as the EPE would've seen them in the Solis Magna system. 

"There were others. They were down there, and they were among the stars" does indeed refer to the rest of the EP, and I toyed around with the idea that some of it was out in space, 'cause we never really know everything the GB could've done with it, or if maybe perhaps it was never unique to Spherus Magna.

Glad you enjoyed it ^^

Edited by Pomegranate, Apr 24 2014 - 03:02 PM.

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