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Review: Out of Bounds


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4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Pahrak #0579

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Posted Oct 12 2017 - 11:47 AM

You know the drill, review topic for my new epic Out of Bounds.


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#2 Offline Toa of Italy

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Posted Oct 24 2017 - 07:57 AM

I like it. It was quite an original idea to bring back the 2004 Matoran for an adventure on Spherus Magna: they aren't exactly the characters that one would expect to use for something like that, but you've done it and made quite a good job out of it.

 

The strongest point of your story seems to be the personalities. I especially liked your depiction of Vhisola's relationship with Nokama, which mirrors what we knew of them from the canon storyline but is also far more elaborate. Of course, your Vhisola is far tougher and more determined than the Ga-Matoran we saw in Metru Nui, but this isn't a bad thing, considering what she has to do.

Ehrye's personality isn't quite as complex, but then again he isn't the main character and I still like how you've managed to depict the traits we first saw in the original storyline.

As for the Skrall, he definitely does not conform to the Skrall stereotype, yet his personality isn't out of place either. He is tough and strong but has a human side as well and I quite appreciated the fact that he carries out Nuhrii's assignment because he wants to stop wandering and join the Agori/Matoran society. The only thing that doesn't seem to fit is when he talks about love: to be honest, I don't think the Skrall understand love much more than Matoran do, it just didn't have a place in their militarized culture.

 

The plot itself is relatively simple, making it easy to follow. I'm not sure how to judge the battles: I liked your use of Rahi, but the dynamics aren't completely convincing (the interaction between the Skopio, the Catapult Scorpion and the three travelers, for instance, was a bit hard to picture). Still, I'll be sure to keep reading this. It does seem already close to an end; or is there more to come?


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My collection of epics: The Sanctum of Writing

 


#3 Offline Pahrak #0579

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Posted Oct 24 2017 - 06:37 PM

Thanks for the review!  Always a treat to get thorough feedback! :D

 

There’s just one part left, which I’ll be posting Thursday.


Edited by Ul-Pahrak, Oct 24 2017 - 10:09 PM.

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#4 Offline Toa of Italy

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Posted Oct 27 2017 - 04:46 PM

Well, I wasn't expecting that. Nuhrii certainly didn't strike me as a wholly positive character when you introduced him in the first chapter, but his objective simply seemed to be making gaining money and renown with minimum effort or risk to himself. I had no idea he would go so far as to try to have Vhisola and Ehrye killed so as to make sure they wouldn't reveal the real creator of the harness.

 

As I've said before, you've done a great job recovering from the 2004 story the personalities of the Matoran and further delving into them. With Nuhrii you've taken it somewhat further than with the rest, with his desire of fame actually turning him into the antagonist. To be honest, I can't decide whether I like your decision or not. That said, the scene where Nuhrii is exposed is well written, especially the dialogue.

 

The same can be said for the last scene. While the Skrall being forgiven and welcomed into New Atero was an obvious conclusion, you nevertheless built up towards it pretty well, the dialogue once more highlighting the personalities of the three characters, especially that of the Skrall himself.

The last lines give us the meaning of the title and thus wraps up the story satisfactorily. The theme of breaking the boundaries is indeed, now that I think of it, present in both the search for the harness to allow Matoran to use Kanohi and in the attempt of the Skrall to gain New Atero citizenship. But you also reconnect to that discussion the three travelers had about love and the last line, where that particular boundary is evoked and perhaps crossed, is perhaps the most touching moment of the whole story.


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My collection of epics: The Sanctum of Writing

 


#5 Offline Pahrak #0579

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Posted Oct 27 2017 - 09:44 PM

In hindsight, I think I should have had Nuhrii go on a bit more in the first part to hint at his darker intentions, and perhaps also played up the moral ambiguity of Vhisola and Ehrye’s willingness to steal from the Great Beings to better establish that all three were starting out in a gray area.  A cut to him around the middle might have helped too, so he wasn’t totally confined to just the first and last parts. (An earlier concept for this story had Ahkmou as the one who was recruiting, and I think I accidentally got a little lazy in retooling the role for Nuhrii.  We already know Ahkmou is a bad guy, so I wouldn’t have had to try as hard, and maybe in the end I didn’t…going to have to watch that in the future.)

 

I was a bit worried the ending might still need some tweaking, so I’m very glad to hear you enjoyed it!  Once again, thank you for your review!


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