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Another Angle

Spherus Magna Gali Thoughts

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6 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Jowm

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Posted Jan 12 2012 - 02:29 AM

                Another AngleGali sat in a tent, she was meditating on the events of the past few days. Ever since the army of Rakshi had been defeated, the Skrall and Skakdi stopped, she and Onua had remained with the agori and the inhabitants of the Matoran universe to help stabilize the economy. She wondered, though, if they should be doing this. She knew that the destiny of the Toa Nuva had been to awaken the Great Spirit Mata Nui, and now that that was done, she wondered if they should become Turaga now, she knew that the universe needed them, but, well, they could still serve the Matoran, Agori, and others, as Turaga, but not by fighting. She wondered if they were unknowingly doing the beings of Spherus Magna more harm than good by remaining as Toa after their destiny had been fulfilled, though she didn't know how that was possible. Even she wasn't completely sure of how destiny worked, she knew that some beings, for one reason or another, must have died in the past without fulfilling their destiny, and she wasn't sure how that effected the universe-planet, now-and it's inhabitants. Now, she had lived to fulfill her destiny, and she wasn't sure what to do. Gali didn't know if somehow, just by remaining Toa even after Their destiny was complete, they were doing harm to the inhabitants of Spherus Magna. She also now understood that Mata Nui, their great protector, was gone. She knew that now, they had to protect themselves, and for her, a being who had always lived with the knowledge that Mata Nui protected and watched over them, though he had been asleep for the time after their Toa canisters had launched, it was hard. She also knew that the stress of trying to stabilize and organize the new economy on Spherus Magna was effecting her. She wondered if all Toa of water thought the way she did. She quickly decided otherwise, however, realizing that the circumstances were too unique. Gali sighed, she hadn't realized until now what a complex and confusing thing destiny could be. It had always seemed so straightforward to her, the Toa would complete their destiny, Mata Nui would awaken, all would be right in the universe, and the Toa would become Turaga, but now... Gali didn't know what to think, they had awakened Mata Nui alright, but at the same time they had given Makuta ultimate power, then Makuta had died, the universe had been evacuated, and the team was split apart; Gali and Onua were helping with the new economy, Tahu was off commanding his army of Toa, Takanuva was with him, Kopaka and Pohatu were fugitive hunting, and Lewa, Lewa had gone missing back before the battle that ended with Spherus Magna's reformation. Onua stepped into the tent. "Gali, Ackar and Raanu want to have another conference with us about laws." "Alright," Gali sighed, "I'll be there in a minute." "Ok," Onua replied, the turned and left the tent. Gali thought for a moment about Raanu and Ackar. Raanu, the strong hearted agori with a fierce love for his people and stiff determination to do what was best for them. Ackar, the old Glatorian with an undeterred care for his people and who protected them with the best he had in him, and tried to keep them safe in all situations. Gali knew that she must leave for the conference. She sighed one more time as she stood, then walked out of the tent.____________________________________________________________________________________Did you enjoy it? Did you not? Was it good? Was it bad? Why? Feedback is greatly appreciated, and thank you for reading.

Edited by Jowm, Jan 13 2012 - 04:37 AM.

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http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

Hey everybody! I'm working on getting a Bionicle podcast set up, it's almost ready to go, and I have one or two regular positions open for anyone with Bionicle knowledge who would like to join! Or if you would perfer not to be a regular, you can guest star as well. We will also be reading and critiquing short stories and possibly epics on the podcast, so if you'd like yours read let me know and I'll look it over and we may review it! For details and any questions you may have, just send me a PM.


To all image makers! I am in need of a logo for a podcast that I am going to get up and running pretty soon, and one of the final things I need is a logo for the podcast! If anyone would be interested in making me a good quality image, just message me, I would greatly appreciate it!

#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 15 2012 - 09:52 PM

I liked the Gali Nuva meditation idea (hello, Mask of Light), and I like the effort you put in here on characterising Gali and the other Toa. However, this story repeats the word she: "She wondered" and "She feared" are examples. "Gali" is often repeated as well, and it is a bit jarring. Usually thought stories flow together, but this repitition hurts that. Also, this feels a bit rushed...you barely give us time to absorb the impact of an idea before moving on to the next. I suggest you slow it down and give us more detail so Gali's thoughts can resonate with the reader. Good job anyway. It is, truely, another angle.
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#3 Offline Jowm

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Posted Jan 16 2012 - 04:33 PM

Thank you very much for the feedback! :). Thank you, Gali was always a medatative character, dwelling on thigs to try to find answers. Yes, it is unfortunately rather repetetive, I will probably try to fix that, I am going to make some changes to it. Alright, yes, I'll try to fix that, lengthen it. I am going to be making changes to try to make it better as I recieve feedback, so know that your feedback is valued greatly :). Thank you for the review! :) Btw, do you think I did Gali right? Trying to get the character's personalities right is an important target for me, so I'd like to know if I did it right.
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http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

Hey everybody! I'm working on getting a Bionicle podcast set up, it's almost ready to go, and I have one or two regular positions open for anyone with Bionicle knowledge who would like to join! Or if you would perfer not to be a regular, you can guest star as well. We will also be reading and critiquing short stories and possibly epics on the podcast, so if you'd like yours read let me know and I'll look it over and we may review it! For details and any questions you may have, just send me a PM.


To all image makers! I am in need of a logo for a podcast that I am going to get up and running pretty soon, and one of the final things I need is a logo for the podcast! If anyone would be interested in making me a good quality image, just message me, I would greatly appreciate it!

#4 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 19 2012 - 09:05 PM

Gali sat in a tent, she was meditating on the events of the past few days.

First off, that's a grammatical error I just noticed upon a reread. It should be, "Gali sat in a tent, meditating on the events of the past few days".

Thank you very much for the feedback! :). Thank you, Gali was always a medatative character, dwelling on thigs to try to find answers. Yes, it is unfortunately rather repetetive, I will probably try to fix that, I am going to make some changes to it. Alright, yes, I'll try to fix that, lengthen it. I am going to be making changes to try to make it better as I recieve feedback, so know that your feedback is valued greatly :). Thank you for the review! :) Btw, do you think I did Gali right? Trying to get the character's personalities right is an important target for me, so I'd like to know if I did it right.

Sorry, I rushed through this review the first time around. But yes, in the details you did give about Gali, you were right. But you did not give much detail about what Gali was thinking. The story design, sentence and paragraph structure are all short, which is jarring. Usually, that structure indicates a fast paced action story, which this notably is not, since you are exploring Gali's thoughts in peacetime, not in the middle of a battle. You use action verbs far too often, "She thought", "She wondered". These verbs are calm, but you have set them off by your sentence structure, giving them as much force as "She cut" or "She sliced", like in a battle scene. Your paragraphs, or lack thereof, run everything together and increasing the story's pace so much that the reader feels like they are in the middle of a war, when there is no war. Now, that may have been the effect that you were going for, but I don't think Gali thinks that fast unless she is in the middle of a war, and maybe not even then. Yes, these are thoughts that Gali would likely think calmly sitting in her tent, but I don't think she would think them like somebody is out to kill her while she is thinking them when nobody obviously is. She is not that nervous. Her thoughts (and this is just my view on the matter), would be a bit lyrical and slower, with a bit more feeling. This is Gali, lover of nature and aquatic life, female and slightly motherly and caring toward others. One thing that would help to fix this problem is to go though and highlight every time the word "she wondered", etc appears and delete them all. Then try to revise it so it makes sense without that particular language structure. That could take you really far. Also, it would to go through this and ask "What is Gali feeling here?" at each of the sentences and try to work that in a bit. For example,

She knew that the destiny of the Toa Nuva had been to awaken the Great Spirit Mata Nui, and now that that was done, she wondered if they should become Turaga now, she knew that the universe needed them, but, well, they could still serve the Matoran, Agori, and others, as Turaga, but not by fighting.

A better way to say this might be "Knowing that the destiny of the Toa Nuva was to awaken the Great Spirit Mata Nui, and that this had already been done,should we become Turaga now? Gali thought. No, the universe needs us. But we can still serve the Matoran, Agori, and others as Turaga, but we won't be able to fight." That's just me paraphrasing, which might not work for you, but it might help you get into the mind of Gali a bit and slowing this down. You can also go so much deeper here. Why is Gali worried about not being able to fight? You hint at the fact that Gali thinks that becoming a Turaga is the proper thing to do, or at least that was going to happen to her. Is she feeling turmoil over this, or at least conflicted? You mention Onua at the end - is she having trouble expressing this conflict to the other Toa? There's so much more here, in just this one line, not to mention all rest of it.You have started off with a terrific idea. I really would love to see you develop this a bit more, because it has a lot of potential that you haven't used.
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#5 Offline Jowm

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Posted Jan 22 2012 - 01:17 AM

Thank you very much for the review! :) It's ok, it's the first feedback for any of my stories I have recieved on BZP, so I was glad for what I got :) :P, though, as you can see, I did have a few more questions. Anwyay, thank you for the feedback, I do inted to be making changes and such, and I'm always trying to improve my writing, so you can definetely expect to see your advice heeded! :)
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http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

Hey everybody! I'm working on getting a Bionicle podcast set up, it's almost ready to go, and I have one or two regular positions open for anyone with Bionicle knowledge who would like to join! Or if you would perfer not to be a regular, you can guest star as well. We will also be reading and critiquing short stories and possibly epics on the podcast, so if you'd like yours read let me know and I'll look it over and we may review it! For details and any questions you may have, just send me a PM.


To all image makers! I am in need of a logo for a podcast that I am going to get up and running pretty soon, and one of the final things I need is a logo for the podcast! If anyone would be interested in making me a good quality image, just message me, I would greatly appreciate it!

#6 Offline Tekulo in the Green

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Posted Jan 31 2012 - 02:53 PM

Interesting story. I like how it's just following the thoughts of Gali in this. Though, one big thing here is the organization of the story. Rather than have it be all one giant paragraph, I think it would be a lot easier to follow if it were separated into segments. Also, with dialogue, there should be a new line when there is a change of who is saying what."I am saying a sentence," said Takua."... What... Why are you saying that?" Jaller inquired, one eyebrow raised."Oh, I'm just giving an example and breaking the fourth wall," Takua wore an impish grin."... I give up..." Jaller sighed, turned around and began the journey back to Ta-koro.That gives us a better idea of who is saying what instead of mixing all of the dialogue together (it can get a bit confusing otherwise). I was wondering if there was going to be a crisis of sorts where Gali would have to be a toa to solve, but I like how you didn't add something like that in. I think it gives her thoughts a bit more meaning in the story. The title fits well here. It's nice to see another angle in the thoughts of the characters (and wondering about destiny is a nice place to start with that).
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#7 Offline Jowm

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Posted Jan 31 2012 - 09:53 PM

Thank you, yes I do intend to make changes to this as I'm aware it needs them, but I want to have enough time to just sit down and spend a good amount of time making it the way I want, to be able to just relax and not have too worry about how long I take to do it, hopefully I'll be able to do that soon. Anyway, thanks for the feedback, I, too, like how the story dosn't answer the questions proposed, I think it makes the questions have more of a meaning.
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http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=5700 - My new epic revealing the life of the interesting character we all wish we could have known better before he left us, Karzahni.

Hey everybody! I'm working on getting a Bionicle podcast set up, it's almost ready to go, and I have one or two regular positions open for anyone with Bionicle knowledge who would like to join! Or if you would perfer not to be a regular, you can guest star as well. We will also be reading and critiquing short stories and possibly epics on the podcast, so if you'd like yours read let me know and I'll look it over and we may review it! For details and any questions you may have, just send me a PM.


To all image makers! I am in need of a logo for a podcast that I am going to get up and running pretty soon, and one of the final things I need is a logo for the podcast! If anyone would be interested in making me a good quality image, just message me, I would greatly appreciate it!




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