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My Old Friend


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#1 Offline Athmos

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Posted Apr 17 2012 - 07:11 PM

NOTE: This is my first story about Bionicle. I actually wrote it down after listening to the song, "My Old Friend," by Tim McGraw. Tahu gazed out on New Atero. His eyelids filled with tears, his eyes glazed over. New Atero was beautiful today, but not to the eyes of an old Turaga. An attendent knocked on the door and walked in. "Turaga Tahu, he's gotten worse. He wants to see you before he dies." Tahu turned slowly, a warm color rising to his eyes. "I know. I'm coming." He turned his gaze back to the city. "I always knew." He said quietly, a single tear running down his mask. My old friend, I recall He arrived outside the hospital, tall trees line the walkway to the entrance. A gently breeze blew through them, shaking their fragile leaves. "Much like life...One strong breeze will knock us away." Tahu said sadly, as he walked into the hospital. The times we had hanging on my wall He advanced through the hallways, heading for one distinct room. He could see a crowd of other Turaga gathered out- side the door he was headed to. I wouldn't trade them for gold "Tahu, it's good to see you again!" rumbled Onua, "It's been to long." "Yes, yes it has Onua." replied Tahu. "How....how is he?" "Not good," answered Gali, "The healers expect him to last until tonight. He's been waiting for you." Cause they laugh and they cry me Tahu grimced slightly. "I know." he said, walking up to the door. "I always knew." Somehow sanctify me He walked into the dark room. Only a lightstone at the far end let him see what was there. There was a bed and a window, the occupant of the bed hidded by a hanging sheet. They're woven in the stories I have told He walked forward, pushing the sheet away. "Old friend, you called, I have come." And tell again The occupant of the bed turned onto his back, and looked hard at Tahu. "I thought you wouldn't come. I'm shocked you came." He paused to cough and wheezed. Blood was on his hand. "Even after what happened." My old friend, I apologize Tahu winced at that comment. "You don't have to be that way. We're still friends, even after what happened, and even if we haven't talked in, Mata Nui, years!" "You know why I'm like this. I blame it on you, you know. But yes, we're still friends." For the years that have passed Tahu and the Occupant of the Bed sat in silence for a few minutes. "Tahu, you're probably wondering why I called you here, right?" "I...I know why you called me. I know you're dying." "That's not why. I called you for a better reason then that." Since the last time you and I "You and I, Tahu, we trained countless Toa. Even some Skakdi between us. We had countless trials after the defeat of Makuta. Even then we were on better terms, but you know that stopped on the Worst Day." Dusted off those memories Tahu nodded slowly and painfully. Tahu could never forget the Worst Day. He lost Lewa on that day, amongst the dozen or so other dead. But the running and the races "You know what you did that caused his....Lewa's death. Even though the mission was a victory, we lost too many day. And I want you to know this." He took Tahu's hand in his. "I have forgiven you for it." Tahu remained quiet. "Dying angry and resentful is no way to die, Tahu. You have to....you MUST forgive yourself, or that day will burn a hole in you. Lewa knew what he had to do. All of them did. And they died heroes for the Matoran and the Agori." He coughed and wheezed violently, blood dripping out of his mouth. "Remember....remember when we first met?" The people and the places Tahu gave a soft smile and nodded. "I thought you were an self-righteous #####." "I thought you were an hot-headed fool," he retorted, "and look how far we have come from that." "You can't die now. We still have plenty of adventures ahead." "Not here, but....somewhere, on the other side of this world, where Mata Nui dwells." There's always somewhere else I had to be He coughed and wheezed, and his grip became limp. Tahu laid his hand by his side, and walked out. "Is he....is he..." "He's dead, Gali. I'll let the Healers know." The hall echoed with her muffled sobbing. Time gets slim, my old friend The next few days went fast, but Tahu stayed the same. Don't know why, don't know why Don't know why, don't know why Looking out at New Atero, eyelids full of tears and eyes glazed over. The attendent knocked at the door. "Turaga, they are waiting for you." Tahu didn't turn but smiled out at the city. "I know. I always knew." He arrived at the burial ground, minutes later. The outcome for the burial was massive. Every Toa in the city was there. Some Skakdi that he trained were there as well. Tahu walked up to the front on the casket, onto a small stage. He looked up and smiled softly, the same smile he used in the hospital. "Friends, Sisters, Brothers. We are here to mourn the passing of a good friend of ours. He was as brave in life as he was when he died. I have no words to say, but a poem I wrote for him, after he died. My old friend, this song's for you Cause a few simple verses Was the least that I could do To tell the world that you were here Cause the love and the laughter Will live on long after All of the sadness and the tears We'll meet again, my old friend Goodbye, goodbye Goodbye, goodbye My old friend, my old friend Goodbye, goodbye" He ended his poem, and looked at the casket. "Goodbye Kopaka." Thanks for reading. EDIT: Crummy word filter. Just re-read it and saw the filter....

Edited by thebeggerpie, May 13 2012 - 08:16 PM.

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#2 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 18 2012 - 11:02 AM

First of all, you've seemed to master the feeling of despair that comes when a loved one has died. Anyone that's expirenced that will say that this story captured the essence. The characters were great, the description was perfect, just enough so that you had a feeling of what it looked like, but not so much to take away from the story itself. Another thing I loved was the length of the story. Short and sweet(Bitter?). The only problem was that one had a good chance of guessing who the bed's occupier was. At first, I thought Vakama, Then Gali, but those two were quickly wiped out. So then it just left Kopaka, logiclly. However, I did think of two other people first, so you did do a pretty good job at that.

Edited by D.A.V.E., May 17 2012 - 12:36 PM.

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emCiGiR.jpg


#3 Offline Athmos

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Posted Apr 18 2012 - 11:42 AM

First of all, you've seemed to master the feeling of despair that comes when I love one has died. Anyone that's experienced that will say that this story captured the essence. The characters were great, the description was perfect, just enough so that you had a feeling of what it looked like, but not so much to take away from the story itself. Another thing I loved was the length of the story. Short and sweet(Bitter?). The only problem was that one had a good chance of guessing who the bed's occupier was. At first, I thought Vakama, Then Gali, but those two were quickly wiped out. So then it just left Kopaka, logically. However, I did think of two other people first, so you did do a pretty good job at that.

Thanks for the compliments. I've watched one to many chick flicks, so it was easy for me to get that feeling down. That will probably be something I'll thank my mother for later in life. I was actually worried it was TOO short. Now that you mention it, that is kinda obvious. Oh well, at least I made you guess.

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#4 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 18 2012 - 02:50 PM

I must say, this story's feeling goes beyond that of any I've ever felt from a chick flick. It actually felt accurate, not just an attempt on depression.
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emCiGiR.jpg


#5 Offline Athmos

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Posted Apr 18 2012 - 03:34 PM

Great, now I feel slightly crazy.
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#6 Offline L'Etranger

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Posted Apr 18 2012 - 03:36 PM

'Welcome. :PAlso, I wanted to say that as your First Bionicle Story, this was amazing.
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emCiGiR.jpg


#7 Offline Athmos

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Posted Apr 18 2012 - 03:41 PM

Thanks. I'll do the same on stories to come.
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#8 Online Tyler Durden

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Posted Apr 27 2012 - 06:42 PM

SSCC review. Engage.For your first story, this wasn't very bad at all. The song fit very well with the atmosphere the story gave off; it gave the story a sad, yet still somewhat urgent feel. The dialogue between Tahu and the dying Kopaka was decent, too, but it would have been nice to know a couple things: how did Lewa die? How did Tahu's actions affect Kopaka's health? Too many unanswered questions. Also, I know Darkon commented on the length of the story above, and while I agree, short and sweet is often the right size for these stories, but it felt almost too short, as if it were more song than fic.Still, though, there were plenty of bright spots to outshine the bad. I also liked the characterization you gave the Toa Nuva by turning them into Turaga, and Kopaka's funeral was a fittingly sad scene. (Also, word of advice: try using prick. It's not subject to the filter and it gets the point across just as well. ;) )All in all, decent story for your first go.-Teezy
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i'm back boy

for real

i'm that boy

for real

i got hits baby

you just a bat boy

 for real

 


#9 Offline Athmos

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Posted May 04 2012 - 11:02 AM

SSCC review. Engage.For your first story, this wasn't very bad at all. The song fit very well with the atmosphere the story gave off; it gave the story a sad, yet still somewhat urgent feel. The dialogue between Tahu and the dying Kopaka was decent, too, but it would have been nice to know a couple things: how did Lewa die? How did Tahu's actions affect Kopaka's health? Too many unanswered questions. Also, I know Darkon commented on the length of the story above, and while I agree, short and sweet is often the right size for these stories, but it felt almost too short, as if it were more song than fic.Still, though, there were plenty of bright spots to outshine the bad. I also liked the characterization you gave the Toa Nuva by turning them into Turaga, and Kopaka's funeral was a fittingly sad scene. (Also, word of advice: try using prick. It's not subject to the filter and it gets the point across just as well. ;) )All in all, decent story for your first go.-Teezy

Thanks for the review. I do realize that I left many questions unanswered, but it does give grounds to write another story. (Boo-Yah!)

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#10 Offline Toa Sonis

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Posted May 09 2012 - 04:55 PM

Fittingly sad, as others have said, for the death of one known well. Personally I had no idea who it was on the bed for a while...oh well. :PThe reconciliation scene between Kopaka and Tahu was very, very nicely done. A little more info would have been helpful, but it kind of kept the shrouding of sadness over the whole thing. It was also descriptive, in a way that left enough room open for my imagination to fill in the details.All in all, a wonderful short story.
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I shall be saying this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by
and that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost, The Road Less Traveled

#11 Offline Athmos

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Posted May 09 2012 - 05:35 PM

Fittingly sad, as others have said, for the death of one known well. Personally I had no idea who it was on the bed for a while...oh well. :PThe reconciliation scene between Kopaka and Tahu was very, very nicely done. A little more info would have been helpful, but it kind of kept the shrouding of sadness over the whole thing. It was also descriptive, in a way that left enough room open for my imagination to fill in the details.All in all, a wonderful short story.

I'm planning on writing another story, that has to do with the event they talked about. Thanks for the praise and criticism.

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#12 Offline fishers64

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Posted May 11 2012 - 05:59 PM

"Turaga Tahu, he's gotten worse. He wants to see you before he dies."

Maybe it's just me, but this sentence threw me for a loop. I thought Tahu was the one who was dying, only to find that he was the main character. I think you could have made that more clear.

The two of them, Tahu and the Occupant of the Bed sat in silence for a few minutes.

There are only two people in the room, and you've already told us who they are...no need to mention them again. "Occupant of the Bed" struck me as slightly witty for some reason, however. Not sure why. Sometimes it is better to start the story at the beginning. If you had given us the details of Lewa's death at the beginning, however, the story would almost have been too dark, with two consecutive deaths, and the second would have less impact than the first. I think you wanted Kopaka's death to be the focus of your story, and I do not think the decision you made to "fly by" Lewa's death was a bad one.Good Job, and keep up the good work!

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#13 Offline Athmos

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Posted May 13 2012 - 08:14 PM

"Turaga Tahu, he's gotten worse. He wants to see you before he dies."

Maybe it's just me, but this sentence threw me for a loop. I thought Tahu was the one who was dying, only to find that he was the main character. I think you could have made that more clear.

The two of them, Tahu and the Occupant of the Bed sat in silence for a few minutes.

There are only two people in the room, and you've already told us who they are...no need to mention them again. "Occupant of the Bed" struck me as slightly witty for some reason, however. Not sure why.Sometimes it is better to start the story at the beginning. If you had given us the details of Lewa's death at the beginning, however, the story would almost have been too dark, with two consecutive deaths, and the second would have less impact than the first. I think you wanted Kopaka's death to be the focus of your story, and I do not think the decision you made to "fly by" Lewa's death was a bad one.Good Job, and keep up the good work!

I'm gonna reply with what ability I have at the moment..... First Point: How did that happen? It was the second paragraph in the story. I hadn't even mentioned someone dying yet. Second Point: I see what you mean by using, "Two." I will edit that. Thanks for pointing that out. Kopaka dying was the main focus of this story. I will however be writing a prologue, centered on what happened on "The Worst Day." Thanks for the constructive criticism!

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#14 Offline fishers64

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Posted May 16 2012 - 10:29 PM

"Turaga Tahu, he's gotten worse. He wants to see you before he dies."

Maybe it's just me, but this sentence threw me for a loop. I thought Tahu was the one who was dying, only to find that he was the main character. I think you could have made that more clear.

The two of them, Tahu and the Occupant of the Bed sat in silence for a few minutes.

There are only two people in the room, and you've already told us who they are...no need to mention them again. "Occupant of the Bed" struck me as slightly witty for some reason, however. Not sure why.Sometimes it is better to start the story at the beginning. If you had given us the details of Lewa's death at the beginning, however, the story would almost have been too dark, with two consecutive deaths, and the second would have less impact than the first. I think you wanted Kopaka's death to be the focus of your story, and I do not think the decision you made to "fly by" Lewa's death was a bad one.Good Job, and keep up the good work!

I'm gonna reply with what ability I have at the moment.....First Point: How did that happen? It was the second paragraph in the story. I hadn't even mentioned someone dying yet.Second Point: I see what you mean by using, "Two." I will edit that. Thanks for pointing that out. Kopaka dying was the main focus of this story. I will however be writing a prologue, centered on what happened on "The Worst Day."Thanks for the constructive criticism!

You're welcome. :)As for the first point, the sentence made it seem like Turaga Tahu was the one who was dieing, rather than the person the speaker was speaking to. Which was odd, since you had already introduced Tahu as the main character. It's probably just a quirk of me as a reader, nothing to worry about.

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#15 Offline Neelh

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Posted May 18 2012 - 01:06 PM

I don't really think Tahu would write poems, but awesome for a first attempt!
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I no longer need Taipu as I have achieved the impossible.

 

I have girlfriend.

 

the atlantic was born today

and i'll tell you how

the clouds above opened up

and let it out


#16 Offline Athmos

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Posted May 18 2012 - 03:35 PM

I don't really think Tahu would write poems, but awesome for a first attempt!

Old people do weird stuff....

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