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...then I Defy You, Stars

bzprpg dorian

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#1 Offline Sauce

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Posted Apr 27 2012 - 11:14 PM

Her final stare was like one of those mannequins that you see in store windows, staring down at you, daring you to turn away, creating that one static electricity moment in your brain where you're sure that if you're turn away, you'll miss something, anything, and that moment will be gone and you'll have lost something that you'll never find again.I look away. She's gone. Boom.I'm lost in a brilliant sea of green as her final, punctuating stare pierces the depths of my ego, my heart, and burrows its way into the depths of my soul and plants itself there like a flower.No.A weed.There's that old saying, "It's not really her you miss. It's the idea of her."I'd like to call bull. All those feelings, those memories, those times you spent fighting side by side with her, you can't just flip a switch and bury them. Nor can you merely just forget about her. Trust me. I have tried and tried and tried.And now that final, sad stare is stabbing through me, and then there's the familiar, aching feeling of my body being jerked back into reality, as if I'd been hooked to an electric chair and the guy goes to throw the switch and then pulls his hand back, laughing, screaming "PSYCH!" at the top of his lungs.And I'm in my bed. And I still remember.Flashback one is a go.**********The very concept of a Toa Team is an abstract one. There will always be the inevitable clash of egos, the pointless bickering over stupid, mundane points that end up getting settled by rock, paper, scissors...And there's always that girl. That one girl who tries to keep the team together no matter what and acts like the sister figure for everyone.The anchor.And she was that girl. Looking back on that final conversation, that final job, I often began to wonder who exactly triggered the conversation, and when it was triggered in the first place. You know that final time you speak to a loved one, that final time you get to sit next to her in a classroom or walk next to her on a job? You know how you look back on that moment in the past and wonder, "What could I have said?"I do that all the time.She had a lot of uncertainty. A lot of worry. The conversation was littered with a huge amount of "What ifs?" and "How's?" and that's something I could understand even then and empathize with. It's a hard knock life, being a Toa. You're pretty much thrown into a job that, from the moment of inception, tells you how exactly you're going to live your life and how you're going to end up dying. The problem is that this society has given us a set path to live on, and if you screw up that path, it's gonna destroy your entire life. A failed Rahi kill here. An argument there. Boom. Life = blown.I do not believe that life is so linear that I am defined by such individual events.She told me that she wished this were it, that she wished this was the last job, that we could be together.Wishes are a freaking joke, man. Wishes are a waste of time. Wishes are for people who look back on their lives in their twilight while trying to futilely pause the moment, trying to grab that last ray of sunshine and rope the sneaky little prick back into their lives. Wishes are for people who will inevitably look back on their lives with a remarkable amount of regret because in that moment, in that one moment, they couldn't do what really needed to be done.I love you, I said to her. She loved me, too, she said back.I smiled.She smiled.And then the ambush. Not the metaphorical, moron Toa of Air that pops up and bludgeons the moment to death with his insolence and his ego. I'm talking bona fide, Rahi on all sides, we're gonna die in this hellhole ambush.And then the blackout.When I came to, I was standing inside of a pool of Rahi and Toa blood, and my teammates are all lying mutilated on all sides, and she's sitting there, propped into the weakest position imaginable, still breathing, and for a moment, my eyes decide they're gonna screw around with my brain and erase the giant tail wound that's ripped her abdomen open and torn her guts into a sick Chelsea grin.I bent down and held her in that final moment. What did I say? What could I say?Nothing. I just held her. Then I looked away.Boom. She was gone.Timeskip is a go.*******Anyway, I'm sitting in bed, still trying to figure out if this is all some sort of joke, some kind of sick, twisted game my mind's been playing on me all alone. I blink a couple times and stretch, and as I turn to see if she's beside me, I catch a glimpse of a small, ornate, cool blue shape on my right shoulder. My Mark. The Mark.It wasn't a dream, after all.I'm still Dorian Shaddix, psychopath extraordinaire and the butcher of thousands.And I'm still a failure.Hear me, my chiefs. I am tired. My heart is sick and sad.From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever.*******This story was based off the past of one of my BZPRPG chars, Dorian, who's a really screwed up dude. I kind of wanted to give some background into his story, try and explain things from his point of view. This is my first real first person story, so feel free to call me out on my screwups!-Teezy

Edited by Tyler Durden, May 04 2012 - 05:58 AM.

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How long does barbecue sauce last in your fridge? A while.

 

 

That's the sauce, man. It sticks around.

 

 

It's thick. Hard to move.

 

 

I'm telling ya.


#2 Offline Lord Kini Hawkeye

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Posted May 03 2012 - 08:02 PM

Holy...*clears throat*Holy Mother of Duck.That was some seriously awesome stuff there, and I mean that in the most literal way possible. I mean, of course, having people die and the like isn't awesome, but the writing itself was pretty awesome. I'm lookin forward to moar :DAnd I'm aware you asked for a review. You're now aware that I don't give them :P
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I've been searchin' for the daughter of the Devil Himself,

​I've been searchin' for an Angel in White,

​I've been lookin for a woman who's a little of both,

​and I can sense her but she's nowhere in sight,
Cause I can't find a banner ;_;

 

 


#3 Offline Master Creep

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Posted May 03 2012 - 08:29 PM

...o_oThat was pretty much my face after I finished reading the story. It was really impressive, amazing, really deep story and beautiful writing. It was really deep, and serious, and... Wicked. It's tough to explain, but WOW it was a pretty darn good story lad. I applaud at ye while standing still Spawn, you've outdone yerself 'ere.
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Do not trust corrupted memories.


#4 Offline Legolover-361

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Posted May 03 2012 - 09:17 PM

My only criticism:

Anyway, I'm sitting in bed [...]

The "anyway" wasn't needed; it undercut the casual poetic style you exhibited throughout the short story.Otherwise, fantastic job. Your writing style is very addictive and easy to read; the narration is smooth, and the dips into the main character's thoughts melded well with the first-person point-of-view you chose. I wish there could be more backstory, but otherwise, this is a great little story.

Edited by Legolover-361, May 03 2012 - 09:18 PM.

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#5 Online Lontra Canadensis

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Posted May 03 2012 - 09:53 PM

I like the way you wrote this out, Tyler, giving some backstory to Dorian and all. Nice style too-it flows pretty well, better than my disjointed writing. :P I write like everything of mine is just notes put together...then again, that is how I think too.But anyways, this story really starts to make me feel sorry for Dorian, rather than hating him the way I did before. Meh, it all goes back to V-3's Kirgon now.By the way, why is it that I keep imagining that girl as Ryllia? xD
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Trout? Where?

The Otter has finally returned...
Now in North American River Otter format.

Yay!

 


#6 Offline Sauce

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Posted May 04 2012 - 06:07 AM

RYLLIA IS A....nice...lady....Anyway, thanks for all of your criticisms and praise, guys! It means more to me than you can know.-Teezy
  • 0

How long does barbecue sauce last in your fridge? A while.

 

 

That's the sauce, man. It sticks around.

 

 

It's thick. Hard to move.

 

 

I'm telling ya.


#7 Offline Zarayna

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Posted May 04 2012 - 03:35 PM

Hey, overdue review here. Sorry for not getting it up earlier, and I'm kinda pressed for time, so let's just say it's a good thing I commented on it via chat earlier.Wow Spawn. As I said, this makes Heartbeats look like junk. It's shortly worded - a style that isn't really my favorite, unlike more descriptive, flowing paragraphs - but the conciseness made it enjoyable. I cabn't really find anything to gripe about. Short, but great. I hope this outclasses Heartbeats in number of reviews: it deserves it.
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#8 Online Lontra Canadensis

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Posted May 05 2012 - 11:23 AM

RYLLIA IS A....nice...lady....Anyway, thanks for all of your criticisms and praise, guys! It means more to me than you can know.-Teezy

Not a problem.And what do you really mean to say for that first part? :P

  • 0

Trout? Where?

The Otter has finally returned...
Now in North American River Otter format.

Yay!

 





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