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The Tower

15-minute write-off short story baby character story character exploration vignette

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4 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Velox

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Posted May 15 2012 - 11:15 PM

The Tower

At the sound of his cries I was instantly brought awake. I tried to get out of bed quietly, but it was too late; she was already awake.

“I’ll take care of him,” my wife said next to me from under her covers, beginning to rise.

“No, no, I’ve got him. Go back to sleep,” I insisted. She relented, knowing better than to say anything else. Most couples fight about who has to get up to take care of the baby; we “fight” about who gets to get up and take care of the baby.

Even the intense wailing put a smile to my face. Most are annoyed at being awoken in the middle of their night by their newborns, but I cherished the moments as I knew they wouldn’t last forever. I loved my son, unconditionally, and every moment – even time taken away from sleep – was worth spending with him. A gift. To see his beautiful, brown eyes. His adorable smile. His pink tongue always sticking out so ridiculously. His tiny arms, hands, feet, fingers, and face.

I walked into the nursery room, quickly advancing to where the crib was. I swiftly picked up my son, Liam, swinging him back and forth gently in my arms.

“Shh,” I whistled to him in a soothing voice. His big chocolate-colored eyes staring back at me; his mouth still mewling. But after a few moments, the noise began to silence. I walked around the room, a bounce in my step for his enjoyment, and the crying ceased all together. His eyes were still focused on mine, and the smile on my face finally brought one on his.

“You hungry, buddy?” I whispered. I moved to a dresser on the far side of the room on top of which stood a bottle. I grabbed it and carefully placed the nipple of the bottle in his mouth. But he wasn’t hungry, so I removed it and placed it back on the dresser.

“Alright, come on,” I said to him, carrying him out back into our room, then hastily into the hallway so as to not disturb my wife. I took him to my study where I had various case files lying on top of a large wooden desk. On all four walls stood bookshelves and various other items. On top of one bookshelf was a small model of the Eiffel Tower.

.“You see that, Liam?” I said, pointing to the object. He followed my finger, but if he actually saw what I was pointing at I wasn’t sure. Still, I continued. “That’s a tower. Probably the most famous tower in the world. An iconic landmark.” He smiled back at me as if fascinated by my tale. Of course I knew he had no idea what I was saying, but my voice was soothing to him. And that was enough for me.

“Your mom and I went there for our honeymoon.” I paused for a moment before continuing, thinking back on the memories. “I still remember that day, that whole week. The most amazing week of my life. Your mother is amazing woman, Liam.” I kissed the top of his head lightly, eliciting another smile from him. “One of these days you’re likely to get married to, and you’ll find the perfect woman just as I did, just you wait.” I heard movement behind me and turned to find her in the doorway.

“Hey,” I said softly.

“Hey,” she answered, advancing toward me and giving me a kiss before giving four to Liam.

“Not fair,” I mutter, laughing. She laughs with me, kissing me again.

“Come on,” she said, “let’s put Little Liam back to sleep.” I smiled at the alliteration used in his nickname. We must've said it a thousand times, but it never got old.

I nodded and smiled at my son. “Let’s go, buddy. We’ll learn more about towers some other day,” I said, following her into the hallway and back toward our room and then his.

~ :: ~

Author's note: This was written for a 15-minute write-off among 55555, Kakaru, and others. The dad in this story is the main character in a murder mystery story I am writing (Detective Calvin Duster), so this is just a story showing a part of his character and way of thinking. However, for this scene at least, that character also represents who/what I want to be when I get older; that is, a dad like this. I honestly really look forward to being a dad. But so anyway, this was just a short character exploration that I did, and is personally one of my favorite write-off stories (I've only posted ~3 on BZP, but have around 20).

Anyway, enough from me. Enjoy! Comments are very much appreciated.

~ Velox


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"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender


#2 Offline Kakaru

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Posted May 15 2012 - 11:30 PM

In the words of a man we both know well, "THIS MAY NOT BE THE WORST THING SINCE NANO-SYNTHETIC OPERATING SYSTEMS."That said, you did quite well with this vignette given the time frame you had to complete it. I like that the story can stand on its own despite being part of a larger continuity, it makes the reader feel more at ease and your writing that much more accessible. Oh, and regardless what I may say to the contrary, I can appreciate the way you bent the theme to include a baby. That's always a good thing. Always.
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「どこに行けばいいんだ・・・」「タ・コロ村はもうおしまいだ・・・」タ・コロ村の村人達


#3 Offline Aderia

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Posted Aug 01 2012 - 12:29 AM

Nitpicicks -- 0Criticisms – 0Looks like this will be a short review.I’d love to go off on a tangent about the flow of your writing and the natural dialogue etc. etc. and I totally would, too, but it seems unnecessary when the story can just speak for itself. It’s short and sweet enough to do so easily.Anyways, I think it’s safe to say that I know, at least vaguely, how write offs work. So I can appreciate that you managed to crank out 600+ words. In your author’s note, you mentioned that this story was just a glimpse of a character that you are working on. Best of luck with his story, if you are still currently writing it (if you’ve finished, I’d love to read it).Okay, actually, I lied. One nitpick, just for the sake of nitpicking. Old habits die hard.

I walked into the nursery room, quickly advancing to where the crib was.

The word ‘advancing’ made me think of like, a predator advancing for the kill, or like, some kind of show down. Just to throw in my two cents.Also, one thing I did like. You weren’t over-the-top with anything. Everything was very realistic. One example of this that I wanted to point out is the description of Liam’s eyes. ‘beautiful, brown’, and ‘big chocolate-colored’, were the two that I could find. I mean, I’ve seen like hundred word descriptions of eyes before, and as creative as they were, they were as boring as an uncreative simile. So props for under-exaggerating :DAnyways, good work has been done here. Thanks for a short and sweet read. =D

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#4 Offline Velox

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Posted Dec 23 2012 - 04:44 PM

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=#000080;]@ Micah ~ Haha, thanks man. But yeah, I hope to write more stories like this that are just a quick look into Calvin Duster's life, obviously part of a bigger story but able to stand on its own. [/color][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=#000080;]@ Aimee ~ Thanks! And nope, it's not finished yet. In fact, I'm kinda planning a whole series with this character, while doing little short glimpses into his "every-day life" like this story here. I haven't started on any novels yet with him, unfortunately, but I have some planned. I do, however, have a short story that's mostly finished where you actually see him in action as a detective solving cases. Hopefully I can get that up within the next week or two. @ your nitpick, I agree. I'll definitely have to find a better word for that. I guess I just tried to not be repetitive, but I need to work a little harder haha. And I'm glad you liked the descriptions and under-exaggerations. [/color][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=#000080;]Thanks again you guys! I'm glad you enjoyed it. =] This is definitely one of my favorite short stories (I mean, I do love babies, after all).[/color][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=#000080;]Posted Image[/color][/font]


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"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender


#5 Offline Takuaka: Toa of Time

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Posted Feb 13 2013 - 12:02 AM

Oh, we're allowed to revive short story threads? Good to know. :P

 

First, let me just re-iterate what the others have said. This is a short, sweet, well-written little story that was very pleasant to read.

 

Now on to more specifics:

 

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(40,40,40);][color=rgb(85,85,85);][color=rgb(0,0,0);]A[/color]t the sound of his cries I was instantly brought awake. I tried to get out of bed quietly, but it was too late; she was already awake.[/color][/color][/font]

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(40,40,40);][color=rgb(85,85,85);][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Ill take care of him, my wife said next to me from under her covers, beginning to rise.[/color][/color][/color][/font]

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(40,40,40);][color=rgb(85,85,85);][color=rgb(0,0,0);]No, no, Ive got him. Go back to sleep, I insisted. She relented, knowing better than to say anything else. Most couples fight about who has to get up to take care of the baby; we fight about who gets to get up and take care of the baby.[/color][/color][/color][/font]

 

First, these first couple paragraphs scream "model husband." Or model parents, really. If only most parents worked like that. Mind you, I really don't know either way. It's not a subject I've ever asked around about. But I hope I can manage as much one day.

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(40,40,40);][color=rgb(85,85,85);][color=rgb(0,0,0);]I walked into the nursery room, quickly advancing to where the crib was. I swiftly picked up my son, Liam, swinging him back and forth gently in my arms.[/color][/color][/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(40,40,40);][color=rgb(85,85,85);][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Nice choice of name. Liam Neeson happens to be one of my favorite actors. By any chance is there a connection here?[/color][/color][/color][/font]

 

 

Now a couple grammar nit-picks: 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Your mom and I went there for our honeymoon. I paused for a moment before continuing, thinking back on the memories. I still remember that day, that whole week. The most amazing week of my life. Your mother is amazing woman, Liam. I kissed the top of his head lightly, eliciting another smile from him. One of these days youre likely to get married to, and youll find the perfect woman just as I did, just you wait. I heard movement behind me and turned to find her in the doorway.[/color][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(0,0,0);]In the first case I have to ask if English is his first language. :P The second is just a simple typo that must happen all the time.[/color][/font]

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(40,40,40);][color=rgb(85,85,85);][color=rgb(0,0,0);]Not fair, I mutter, laughing. She laughs with me, kissing me again.[/color][/color][/color][/font]

 

What happened to the past tense? Everything before and after is past tense.

 

This Calvin sounds like a great person. I'd love to see him at work. (and amusingly, I'm currently reading through Sherlock Holmes) Do you have any other stories about him up yet, by any chance?


Edited by Takuaka: Toa of Time, Feb 13 2013 - 12:04 AM.

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This is where I'm supposed to have a signature, right? Alright, then.


Timaka: Toa of Time


I have very neat hand-writing.





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