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Dreams Of Darkness

Makuta Tahu Metru Nui Comic 21

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#1 Online Nick Silverpen

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Posted Jun 18 2012 - 09:55 PM

Tahu… the whisper came from the darkness around him as he walked; He didn’t shine with the blazing light of fire, but some sort of glow that hung as an aura. He gripped his sword tightly, comforted by the shape of the flames on the blade. The voice was just his imagination…Tahu.“No,” Tahu sobbed. “Die. Why won’t you die? After the thousands that sacrificed themselves to rid the world of you, why won’t you die?” He walked on, his eyes mixed with fury and defeat. Makuta lived.Because the darkness never dies, Toa. I will always live. In your darkest thoughts, your deepest fears, I am there. My escence is in you, and I live on. Besides, Tahu, what would you be without me?“We fought for a life without you,” Tahu said, his anger coming forth in the flames that leapt from his fire sword. “Be gone, so we can live in peace!” Some day you will meet other evils, whose power is far greater than mine, the voice of the Makuta reverberated through the blackness. And when you meet them, you will finally miss me. The darkness regressed, leaving Tahu in merely shadows. He could see the path he walked on now, a winding tunnel where the flickering orange glow of lightstones eerily lead to the catacomb of caves beyond.He continued his tread, head keenly forward, body ready to pounce on any attack. Whispers came from further in, and Tahu followed them intently. There were others in this place! His pace increased, catching a glimpse of a hole in the rock where below a vast cavern awaited him. The voices were right around the bend, and the Toa of Fire sprinted, catching snippets of two strolling stranger’s conversation.“…but precious little light, it seems... You don’t see…” the short one spoke, guiding the taller one, the illumination of the lightstone he carried blocking Tahu from seeing the pair’s features. He raised his hand in greeting, as if beckoning would bring their attention. They were gone then, merely ghosts of the past, and Tahu was left in the tunnel, alone once more.With the blink of an eye, he stood in the center of the cavern, a lengthy tunnel walk that he didn’t travel a step in, finished. Webs cut the cave in half, a thick curtain of green-grey slime from the floor to the ceiling. Approaching it, he set his sword in the sticky strands, burning through them. It was his job, as a Toa, to explore, whether he liked what was on the other side or not.The web flared, the fire jumping. Soon it was out of control- Tahu hadn’t even used enough willpower to create that much of a flame! The entire web was on fire now, burning away far too fast. It shriveled and smoked, and when the air cleared on the other side… a dragon, made of smoke an charcoal, flared his nostrils, angrily eyeing its awakener. Claws of fire reached out to grab him, but he was already running.A flame shot out of the dragon’s tongue, melting the rock he hid behind. Ta-Wahi burned like it hadn’t ever before, and the heat of the flames brought sweaty, blurry vision. He had faced this creature before, but it was different, he realized, breathing heavily as he took in limited oxygen. It screamed at him telepathically like a Rahi, but there was something sinister in its words.You call this your home? This is MY domain! My territory! I will burn you out, little flame! I—“Brow sweating, Tahu clamped his eyes shut, reminiscing about how he missed the darkness. A chill then ran through him……and he woke up, sweating.***Unedited version of my Legacy entry for Flash Fiction Marathon, it's part of a bigger story, I just wanted to see how it did as a stand alone- C&C is welcome! Inspired by here and here
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#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jun 19 2012 - 11:28 AM

The only problem with this story is that it could have used a better title. A generic title like "Dreams of Darkness" fails to underscore how unique this particular story is. A unique idea that I wish I'd thought of first - Tahu dreaming of his past on Spherus Magna, marvelously executed even to the point of the details about the flame. Good work here.
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#3 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Jun 20 2012 - 08:17 PM

My first problem? 'Things seem to go a little too quickly, like a dream.'Then I saw... It was a dream :-|Excellent job, I must say. I really enjoyed the story; it' the type that the reader gets caught up in. I hardly even noticed the words after the first few paragraphs; good job. Your writing style is relatively simple, and lays out a story well, making an enjoyable read.Hate to say it (well, not really), but I definitely like this quite a bit more than Slipping Through: your writing is getting better. Aside from that, the theme was more intriguing.

Edited by Zarayna: The Quiet Light, Jun 27 2012 - 08:23 AM.

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#4 Offline Jedi Master J.

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Posted Jul 03 2012 - 10:29 PM

Short Story Critic, Jedi Master J., here reporting for duty, sir. And I am here today to post your review that you requested from SSCC. Apologizes for not getting to this sooner, I been distracted for past few days. But anyway, to the review itself, I am inclined to agree with a lot of what my associate Zarayna has say here. Much like he has say, this is a story that a reader can get caught up in easily and fly right through. It does its job as flash fiction well. At the same time though, I do have to be a bit critical and say that ending left quite a bit to be desire. Now maybe just my old epic critic's roots showing here, but I think it would of been better to have a Matoran like Kapura come and waken Tahu from nightmare with a message like the village is in danger, so that Tahu's fears for future feel more justified to reader. Not only that, but it creates a cliffhanger that makes the reader want to come back for more to find out what is troubling the village and whether or not there is any connections to dream that he had here.Of course, that's not to say what you have here is bad though. It does worked well with your intentions of it being a flash fiction. But I personally can't help feeling that the story does not provided us enough about the world that this Tahu is living in. All nightmares and dreams have something from the reality one comes from to fuel them and Tahu's here is left open to great degree by ending here. Like for example, one view of Tahu here is that he is in world of relative peace now and as a harden hero from his adventures to save Mata Nui from evils of Makuta, he knows deep down the peace can't last and he waiting for other shoe to drop so to speak. I mean this isn't a bad thing to make a reader think about because it spurs their imagination to think what could this world be like to invoke such a dream on Tahu, the veteran hero of BIONICLE series as a whole. But my point is if you do truly intend for this story to be part of much bigger story, I think there needs to be something that actively motive us, the readers, to want to seek that other work out. *shrugs* Just my two cents is all.Outside of that tiny thing, I think you did a good job writing this. Its simple to read and keep the reader's attention. It also looks like it has no spelling or grammar mistakes, so you did good job in that department as well. That's all I have to comment on really. I hope this review is to your liking. If not, feel free PM me any criticism that you might have of it and I'll take what you said under advisement. Finally I hope you continue writing, sir. And thank you for choosing SSCC. Posted Image"I'm a heartbreaker...My name...Charles."
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#5 Online Nick Silverpen

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Posted Jul 08 2012 - 10:38 PM

Thanks guys. I do have a source for Tahu's nightmares, so hopefully it'll unfold around this quite well. If the story goes as this piece does stylistically, it should explain it quite well. I like your interpretation on the loose end of the end of this passage, Charlie- it's useful, and I didn't want to have a villager wake him up. I figured the whole "makutas words coming to haunt him" would be one of those nightmares- for Tahu at least- that are so disturbing that the dreamer wakes up on their own.
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