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Someone's Waiting For You

Flashfiction Aderia Songfic Pathfinding

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#1 Offline Aderia

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Posted Oct 22 2012 - 08:25 PM

Someone’s Waiting For YouWith Sam faithfully by her side as always, Camille placed her hand as carefully as possible on the cool wooden banister that ran up the stairwell, away from her. For an instant that seemed like an eon, her wild seven year old imagination ran away from her. It told her that this was a steep, winding path lined with thorns and thistles. It wound its way through a shadow-laden wood that was devoid of any sound. To reach safety, she had to make it through.She knew it wasn’t true, but the chilling thought remained, regardless. With her free arm, Camille hugged Sam close to her. He was scared too. He might not know that the frightening exaggerations of one's imagination in the dead of night were not real.“Don’t be afraid, Sam,” she whispered to him. He didn’t respond, and she wasn’t sure that he’d heard her. Giving him one quick squeeze with her elbow, Camille began tiptoeing up the lightless staircase.Be brave, little oneMake a wish for each sad little tearHold your head up when no one is nearSomeone’s waiting for you“Shhh, Sam! We can’t wake anyone,” She reminded him in the same ghost-of-a-voice whisper. Sam said nothing.They reached the silent landing at the top of the stairwell. The long hallway was only inhabited by blue shadows chasing blue shadows by the slivers of moonlight peeking beneath doors. The shadows had never harmed her before, but still, she couldn’t help but be wary.Glued together as best friends should be, they crept past the boys’ rooms, and then the first girl’s room in turn. The last door was their room that they shared with three other girls. These were the nice girls who had given Camille the bed in the corner, the warmest spot in the room.Don’t cry, little oneThere’ll be a smile where a frown used to beYou’ll be part of the love that you seeSomeone’s waiting for youGuiding the painted wooden door shut behind her, Camille had to take extra care that it shut, clicking into place as silently as she could manage.“It’s okay, Sam. Nobody heard us,” she assured him. He was worried, but he said nothing. His reflective, sad eyes spoke all the words he did not.Sam did not like living in the children’s home, she knew. Sure, there were friends here, friends to laugh with and make believe with. Those were happy days, they were numerous, and he loved them. But still, some of the children, they liked to tease and make fun of him. She knew this, and it made her angry. It was only some of the other children who said these things. But they were enough to turn a happy day horrible. They liked to give nasty little reminders, like how they were not found in a dumpster. How they had been dropped off at the home in swaddling clothes with flowers and a lovingly sealed envelope. How they had not been abandoned, naked and still slimy from birth in the middle of the night. “Abandoned for dead,” they liked to say. “It’s not true, Sam,” she promised him. Don’t listen to them. I’m here to be your friend. I won’t let them get to you. Her thoughts reached out to him.It was impossible to say what brought those atrocities to mind. Camille had stolen out of bed and down the stairs to quench the scratching thirst that had woken her. It was against the rules to leave bed at night without a grown up to watch you. Perhaps these nightmares that flew in her thoughts while she was awake, the jeering faces and cutting words, was some ethereal punishment?Always keep a little prayer in your pocketAnd you’re sure to see the lightSoon there’ll be joy and happinessAnd your little world will be brightCamille climbed into bed, and tucked Sam in next to her. His floppy ears tickled her nose, and so she tucked him into the crook of her arm. Settling in, she began stroking his ear that used to be soft, but had worn think and ratty over the years. Her fingers found the tear in the seam where his cotton insides were poking out. The anxiety from the short sojourn down to the kitchen had taken its toll. Camille had begun to drift off to sleep before she even knew it.Someday, she wouldn’t have to carry Sam with her. The loyal dog full of cotton and heart was a true friend to her. He took all the trouble she couldn’t comprehend and made it his own. And then he let her take care of him and his foreign troubles. It was what she needed to survive and grow, and he was happy to take it as his burden.One day, maybe not so far in the future, Camille could look back and see the lesson of love that silent Sam had taught her without speaking a word. It is the same lesson that all childhood friends, the ones with cotton and heart on the inside, teach. A lesson of friendship and sacrifice and family, taught in a way that should not be teachable. And yet, it is. Just one of the quietly amazing things in life.Have faith, little one‘Til your hopes and your wishes come trueYou must try to be brave, little oneSomeone’s waiting to love you---If any of you have seen Disney's The Rescuers, that's where inspiration for this story and the lyrics came from. This is the first piece I've written in months, apologies if it seems a bit rusty. Nonetheless, written for you. And the flash fiction contest =P I hope you enjoyed.

Edited by Eponine, Oct 22 2012 - 08:39 PM.

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#2 Offline Grant-Sud

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Posted Oct 22 2012 - 10:00 PM

Kind of a Toy Story/Anne deal, the girl was sweet and I enjoyed Sam's role and meaning. The descriptions really put it over the top though, imagery is just fantastic which is what I expect from ya. I don't have too much to say for this story, but for something that's meant to be short, you placed a lot of heart into it. Nice job!
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#3 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Oct 24 2012 - 08:30 PM

You wrote something! So much for your 'writer's death'. XDYes, I really missed your writing. This story reminded me a little of River, oh River, Flow Gently For Me; it was vivid, set very well in our world, and overall... Well, vivid; it's very easy to see through the main character's eyes. And even though neither of those stories give the opportunity for a lot of character building, the people do not seem 2D at all.I have also lost all hope in winning this flash fiction contest. :P

Edited by Zarayna, Oct 24 2012 - 08:31 PM.

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#4 Offline Kragghle

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Posted Oct 24 2012 - 09:45 PM

:kaukau: For this month's prompt, I think this should be the winner. In part, I think it's very interesting that your go by Eponine, and the name of the author complements the story in such a way. While it may not be part of the story's strength in and of itself, once it is seen within a greater context, such gaining knowledge of who wrote it, its impact is enhanced. After all, what is a story if it doesn't have any relation to the real world.Moving past this observation, I took significant note of your extensive use of an internal narrative. I find this interesting because it matches my own form of narrative, because I'm just as interested in describing the sensations of what the core of the character in any given moment is all about (either that or forcing the reader to think about who the character is). You also do the quality of these forums a favor by bothering to prying into a deeper understanding of humanity. I know most people understand it in a more superficial sense, e.g. "everybody needs somebody to love", but to try to dig into the little nooks of what it's like to be a real person, so that we not only understand others but ourselves in a better light, is a high goal for writers. or at least i my worldview of how writing relates to our life missions.I'm not saying that you did this here, or at least not fully. There was obviously room for much more, and ideally we could all have the time to write a novel to deliver the full impact of our grand ideas and explore them in their completion. However, given what you have written thus far, you show the appropriate writing style for just that. The only problem might be maintaining it over the duration of a longer period and the trials of scenes where action is important. The latter is actually impossible to do in good taste, in which case action serves as an intermission for deeper thoughts so that they can be repeated throughout for the sake of emphasis and providing multiple "A-ha!" moments, and the important stylistic question is how to transition from one form of narrative to another without jarring the reader and still feeling essentially part of the same work.This needs not explanation, though, for one because no answer is immediately apparent to me and second because this is neither here nor there.Setting my critiques on style aside (which is sound), I do like the story, and I'm a fan of the Rescuers. Both movies, actually, and the relationship between Bernard and Miss Bianca is one of my favorites in all of Disney, given a certain level of maturity and security that it presents. I understand that this actually takes nothing straight from the movie, but I see where the inspiration comes from. It's a good inspiration. I approve of people who see Disney films for what they truly are, which is something beyond mere quality entertainment but manifestations of a good man's hopes and dreams and ultimate faith in both.Consider this response, which is hardly a review and certainly unrelated to critique, the best sort of reply. Your insight provoked more insight, meaning that you inspired something truly positive and your story serves a purpose beyond being read for its own sake.

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#5 Offline Aderia

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Posted Oct 28 2012 - 09:56 PM

Kind of a Toy Story/Anne deal, the girl was sweet and I enjoyed Sam's role and meaning. The descriptions really put it over the top though, imagery is just fantastic which is what I expect from ya. I don't have too much to say for this story, but for something that's meant to be short, you placed a lot of heart into it. Nice job!

Hehe, yeah! I did draw a bit of inspiration from Toy Story! I'm thrilled you picked up on that =3

You wrote something! So much for your 'writer's death'. XDYes, I really missed your writing. This story reminded me a little of River, oh River, Flow Gently For Me; it was vivid, set very well in our world, and overall... Well, vivid; it's very easy to see through the main character's eyes. And even though neither of those stories give the opportunity for a lot of character building, the people do not seem 2D at all.I have also lost all hope in winning this flash fiction contest.

Haha yeah! Thanks Zar, it felt good to finally write something again. And there's this awesome quote about hope from some awesome movie, but it's escaping me at the moment. Plus, you probably wouldn't recognize it, since you still haven't even seen Finding Nemo and all XP

:kaukau: For this month's prompt, I think this should be the winner. In part, I think it's very interesting that your go by Eponine, and the name of the author complements the story in such a way. While it may not be part of the story's strength in and of itself, once it is seen within a greater context, such gaining knowledge of who wrote it, its impact is enhanced. After all, what is a story if it doesn't have any relation to the real world.Moving past this observation, I took significant note of your extensive use of an internal narrative. I find this interesting because it matches my own form of narrative, because I'm just as interested in describing the sensations of what the core of the character in any given moment is all about (either that or forcing the reader to think about who the character is). You also do the quality of these forums a favor by bothering to prying into a deeper understanding of humanity. I know most people understand it in a more superficial sense, e.g. "everybody needs somebody to love", but to try to dig into the little nooks of what it's like to be a real person, so that we not only understand others but ourselves in a better light, is a high goal for writers. or at least i my worldview of how writing relates to our life missions.I'm not saying that you did this here, or at least not fully. There was obviously room for much more, and ideally we could all have the time to write a novel to deliver the full impact of our grand ideas and explore them in their completion. However, given what you have written thus far, you show the appropriate writing style for just that. The only problem might be maintaining it over the duration of a longer period and the trials of scenes where action is important. The latter is actually impossible to do in good taste, in which case action serves as an intermission for deeper thoughts so that they can be repeated throughout for the sake of emphasis and providing multiple "A-ha!" moments, and the important stylistic question is how to transition from one form of narrative to another without jarring the reader and still feeling essentially part of the same work.This needs not explanation, though, for one because no answer is immediately apparent to me and second because this is neither here nor there.Setting my critiques on style aside (which is sound), I do like the story, and I'm a fan of the Rescuers. Both movies, actually, and the relationship between Bernard and Miss Bianca is one of my favorites in all of Disney, given a certain level of maturity and security that it presents. I understand that this actually takes nothing straight from the movie, but I see where the inspiration comes from. It's a good inspiration. I approve of people who see Disney films for what they truly are, which is something beyond mere quality entertainment but manifestations of a good man's hopes and dreams and ultimate faith in both.Consider this response, which is hardly a review and certainly unrelated to critique, the best sort of reply. Your insight provoked more insight, meaning that you inspired something truly positive and your story serves a purpose beyond being read for its own sake.

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Hey, wow! Merci beaucoup, monsieur. Your honest and in depth response is greatly appreciated. The beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, I’m really glad you found so much to comment on in my story. I just wish I had a more in depth reply to your reply XD. And yes, I really do love the Rescuers. It’s great to know there are other people out there who do as well. Thank you, again, so much.

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#6 Offline Grantaire

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Posted Oct 29 2012 - 01:04 PM

Well, the one that instantly popped to mind was Snow's words on hope in the THG movie, but I'm not sure if that's what you were looking for. :P
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#7 Offline Velox

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Posted Mar 14 2013 - 11:59 PM

SSCC Charity Review. You know all about these obviously so I won't waste time explaining. Instead, on to the story!
 
I'll admit, the first time I read this through, something just seemed really off about it, and I was confused by a couple things. However, as the story progressed, and then I re-read some of the other parts, I realized they were actually quite clear. I thought I'd mention it just in case, but I'm almost positive it was only my quick reading and not the writing. In fact, it's really quite a fascinating piece, because you captured the mind of the little girl extremely well. And as usual, I really do love your writing style and word choice. 
 
Really my favorite part about this was Sam, and the revelation of him. I thought that it was extremely clever and well done, and it really was--as Kraggh said--an "a-ha!" moment. I honestly just smiled to myself when I read that. In fact, I was about to quote the bit about the ear, because I was like "a little boy's ear is thick and ratty?" I realize I may have missed something (and there were, definitely, little clues), but hopefully I didn't--that is, I hope that shortly after that moment is, in fact, the first revelation that Sam is only a stuffed animal. If not, well...then I'd recommend that it become so. =P Because I just loved how I first just went "what?" and then a moment later, you completely turn that around and answer my question. 
 

But either way, this really was just a nice story, and very, very well-done from the perspective of a young girl. In fact, I really don't have much to critique, besides a few little nitpicks:

 

It told her that this was a steep, winding path lined with thorns and thistles. 
 
He might not know that the frightening exaggerations of one's imagination in the dead of night were not real.

 

In both of these instances (and maybe more throughout the story), "that" really just isn't needed. 

“Shhh, Sam! We can’t wake anyone,” She reminded him in the same ghost-of-a-voice whisper. 

 

Should be lowercase.  

They reached the silent landing at the top of the stairwell.

 

So when I first took note of this, I didn't like the word "silent." As I thought about it more, I thought that it was actually fine. But, alas, thinking about it even more, I'm leaning more toward my first assessment. I feel like "silent" personifies the landing. Are landings ever loud? Perhaps if there's people, but it's not really the landing itself that's loud. I don't know. I think that, if you do use it, perhaps you could just go a little further--purposely personifying it, but through the eyes of Camille, because it is believable that she herself would describe it like that. 
 
And just as a final note, I have not seen The Rescuers, which could be both a good and bad thing: On one hand, good because I didn't feel like I was missing anything or needed context (as if it was fanfiction to something I knew nothing about), but stood alone well; on the other, bad because I can't speak on how it relates to The Rescuers
 
Anyway, great job again, Aimee. I look forward to more of your stories. =]
 

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"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender


#8 Offline Kragghle

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Posted Mar 18 2013 - 10:46 PM

:kaukau: [color=#0000ff;]Velox, it's a bad thing.  It's a really, really bad thing.  You have got to see The Rescuers![/color]

 

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