Edited by Eponine, Oct 22 2012 - 08:39 PM.
Posted Oct 22 2012 - 08:25 PM
The Whip Hand
Posted Oct 22 2012 - 10:00 PM
Posted Oct 24 2012 - 08:30 PM
Edited by Zarayna, Oct 24 2012 - 08:31 PM.
Posted Oct 24 2012 - 09:45 PM
Will you give all you can give so that our banner may advance?
Posted Oct 28 2012 - 09:56 PM
Hehe, yeah! I did draw a bit of inspiration from Toy Story! I'm thrilled you picked up on that =3
Kind of a Toy Story/Anne deal, the girl was sweet and I enjoyed Sam's role and meaning. The descriptions really put it over the top though, imagery is just fantastic which is what I expect from ya. I don't have too much to say for this story, but for something that's meant to be short, you placed a lot of heart into it. Nice job!
Haha yeah! Thanks Zar, it felt good to finally write something again. And there's this awesome quote about hope from some awesome movie, but it's escaping me at the moment. Plus, you probably wouldn't recognize it, since you still haven't even seen Finding Nemo and all XP
You wrote something! So much for your 'writer's death'. XDYes, I really missed your writing. This story reminded me a little of River, oh River, Flow Gently For Me; it was vivid, set very well in our world, and overall... Well, vivid; it's very easy to see through the main character's eyes. And even though neither of those stories give the opportunity for a lot of character building, the people do not seem 2D at all.I have also lost all hope in winning this flash fiction contest.
Hey, wow! Merci beaucoup, monsieur. Your honest and in depth response is greatly appreciated. The beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, I’m really glad you found so much to comment on in my story. I just wish I had a more in depth reply to your reply XD. And yes, I really do love the Rescuers. It’s great to know there are other people out there who do as well. Thank you, again, so much.
For this month's prompt, I think this should be the winner. In part, I think it's very interesting that your go by Eponine, and the name of the author complements the story in such a way. While it may not be part of the story's strength in and of itself, once it is seen within a greater context, such gaining knowledge of who wrote it, its impact is enhanced. After all, what is a story if it doesn't have any relation to the real world.Moving past this observation, I took significant note of your extensive use of an internal narrative. I find this interesting because it matches my own form of narrative, because I'm just as interested in describing the sensations of what the core of the character in any given moment is all about (either that or forcing the reader to think about who the character is). You also do the quality of these forums a favor by bothering to prying into a deeper understanding of humanity. I know most people understand it in a more superficial sense, e.g. "everybody needs somebody to love", but to try to dig into the little nooks of what it's like to be a real person, so that we not only understand others but ourselves in a better light, is a high goal for writers. or at least i my worldview of how writing relates to our life missions.I'm not saying that you did this here, or at least not fully. There was obviously room for much more, and ideally we could all have the time to write a novel to deliver the full impact of our grand ideas and explore them in their completion. However, given what you have written thus far, you show the appropriate writing style for just that. The only problem might be maintaining it over the duration of a longer period and the trials of scenes where action is important. The latter is actually impossible to do in good taste, in which case action serves as an intermission for deeper thoughts so that they can be repeated throughout for the sake of emphasis and providing multiple "A-ha!" moments, and the important stylistic question is how to transition from one form of narrative to another without jarring the reader and still feeling essentially part of the same work.This needs not explanation, though, for one because no answer is immediately apparent to me and second because this is neither here nor there.Setting my critiques on style aside (which is sound), I do like the story, and I'm a fan of the Rescuers. Both movies, actually, and the relationship between Bernard and Miss Bianca is one of my favorites in all of Disney, given a certain level of maturity and security that it presents. I understand that this actually takes nothing straight from the movie, but I see where the inspiration comes from. It's a good inspiration. I approve of people who see Disney films for what they truly are, which is something beyond mere quality entertainment but manifestations of a good man's hopes and dreams and ultimate faith in both.Consider this response, which is hardly a review and certainly unrelated to critique, the best sort of reply. Your insight provoked more insight, meaning that you inspired something truly positive and your story serves a purpose beyond being read for its own sake.
The Whip Hand
Posted Oct 29 2012 - 01:04 PM
Posted Mar 14 2013 - 11:59 PM
But either way, this really was just a nice story, and very, very well-done from the perspective of a young girl. In fact, I really don't have much to critique, besides a few little nitpicks:
It told her that this was a steep, winding path lined with thorns and thistles.He might not know that the frightening exaggerations of one's imagination in the dead of night were not real.
In both of these instances (and maybe more throughout the story), "that" really just isn't needed.
“Shhh, Sam! We can’t wake anyone,” She reminded him in the same ghost-of-a-voice whisper.
Should be lowercase.
They reached the silent landing at the top of the stairwell.
"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender
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