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Something a Makuta Never Does

ambage flash-fiction tablet of transit

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#1 Offline Chro

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Posted Nov 04 2012 - 12:20 PM

Something a Makuta Never DoesGali spun around, landing hard in the mud. She grimaced and rose, just in time to be blindsided by the Makuta’s Nynrah missile. Slamming to the ground for another time, the Toa of Water found that she was unable to move her mechanical components. The cacophony of the surrounding aerial battles was drowned out by the pounding in her ears. Despite this she could hear the next words perfectly.“Tsk tsk,” the spindly white Makuta muttered in a viciously calculating, yet somehow sympathetic voice. “I must admit I expected slightly better from you, as you are a Toa Nuva. Well then.”There was a slight rushing noise like a cold wind as Krika stepped elegantly next to the fallen Toa. Suddenly she whirled back up, preparing to counter his attacks, but he struck again swiftly, pinning her arms to the muck with his insectoid limbs. Before she could make another move, before she had time to concentrate, he had swung her unceremoniously onto his back and ascended into the mist, hovering over the brackish Pit water and the bizarre vegetation. As Gali returned to her senses she realized that they were traveling away from the other Toa and Makuta of Karda Nui. Where was he taking her? And why?Reaching a clearing ringed by sickly trees, Krika alighted on a mostly solid patch, and dropped Gali off his shoulders with surprising gentleness. The Ga-Toa rolled over and groaned, shaking her head. Then she looked up at Krika.“Why have you brought me here? Why not just… kill me?” She was not fearful, but somewhat curious; in her experience the Karda Nui Makuta usually were more brutal and direct, not insidiously plotting, like Teridax or Mutran were. Gali silently prepared to manipulate the mutagenic water to wash Krika away, but she decided to hear him out before acting. In a hushed voice that lacked his previous severity, he began. "I am doing something a Makuta never does… I am offering mercy.”Gali was momentarily confused by this apparent change in heart. Was Krika sincere? Or was he merely toying with the Toa of Water? But his offer continued.“Flee, Gali. Leave this place, go anywhere in this universe, but do… not… stay… in Karda Nui." Ah, she knew this was a plot, now. Feigning sympathy in order to get the Nuva out of the equation. A bit less violent than the majority of the Makutas’ plans, but that would just make it more convincing. She decided that Krika was smart enough to know that it wouldn’t fool six Toa; it must be directed specifically at her, then. Not the most solid idea, but the alternative was even more unbelievable, Gali thought. “Why do you want me gone? Or… do you just want one less Toa in Karda Nui?”Krika sighed. “You would have made a good Makuta, Gali.” Another attempt to fool her… though an odd one, to be sure. But the Makuta continued. “You are far too clever to be a Toa. I tell you this…” Ah, this wasn’t good. Krika knew she was aware of his plan. “You Toa Nuva are here to awaken the Great Spirit Mata Nui, a mission that requires all six of you… I tell you…” Had he hesitated then…? She wasn’t sure. Her concept of understanding the Makuta’s deception was being weakened. Krika continued with more conviction. “…And I tell you that if you do that, you and everything you know will be doomed to a future more horrible than you can imagine. Leave now, and that future… cannot!... come to pass.”Gali suddenly had radical thoughts. Was Krika really warning her of danger? Did he feel in some way compassion for the Toa in general, or just Gali? Was he rebelling against the other Makuta? Gali wasn’t sure what to say. Krika began to say something else, but suddenly he cried out and shot out above Gali, landing gracelessly in the swamp behind her. He hissed and pitched forward, a yellow haze smoking off his back. The Toa of Water turned back to see a foreboding grey and white titan before her, like some vision of terrible untruth. She tensed, ready to leap up and attack him. In his clawed hands, she saw, was a glowing blade of golden energy. Her eyes traveled up the being’s body to his mask. And to her horror it resembled… the Avohkii?“Takanuva?” Gali was quite surprised. “Is that really… you? But your armor, your mask…! What happened to you?” The warped Toa sighed much as Krika had not a moment before the Av-Toa’s own arrival.“I’ll explain later. For right now… we need to find the others. If I’m right, everyone in this swamp has only hours to live.” Gali reeled. Was Krika telling the truth after all? Or was some unknown suicidal plan concocted by the six Makuta coming to fruition? Gali shook her head to clear her thoughts. Right now she needed to meet with the other Toa. She decided not to share with them her encounter with Krika, however.

- - -

With a roar the three vehicles soared off out of the Codrex, the engines’ din reverberating around the giant metallic sphere. Gali, Tahu, Takanuva and Onua stood in silence, gazing off into the foggy swamp through the circular openings near the ceiling. The previous events had left Gali’s mind, preoccupied as she was by the task they were in the midst of.But outside the Codrex, in the middle of a newly vacant clearing, there lay a stone tablet half-enclosed by the murky water, bearing the seal of the Kraahkan upon it, lying just where Gali had unknowingly left it.So, there goes my first entry for this week, my second flash-fiction piece overall. (I may write another, hopefully better entry.) I've gotta say for this one... meh. I had a good idea which evaporated somewhere along the line, and I was left with an awkwardly expanded version of a scene from the comics. Decided to keep and post it anyway. This is based off the comics, by the way, taking the same dialogue and all that- I didn't work off the same scene's depiction in the books, as I haven't read 'em. There are nine-hundred-forty-something words in here, for the record. Anyway, tell me what you think, I suppose.

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#2 Offline Makuta Matata

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Posted Nov 04 2012 - 05:29 PM

That was pretty good... It was basically that scene told from Gali's point of view rather than a third person point of view, right?
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( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


#3 Offline Chro

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Posted Nov 04 2012 - 05:41 PM

Well, this wasn't from first-person point-of-view, but it did focus around Gali's thoughts and emotions more, yes.
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#4 Offline Cederak

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Posted Nov 04 2012 - 07:04 PM

A new take on a canon moment. I must say, as much as I enjoyed the final events leading up to Bionicle Legends#11's conclusion, this didn't sit well with me. Twisting the words seemed to ruin the Makuta Krika I liked, and I think the same could be said for Gali Nuva to a lesser degree. I'm sure you've heard the saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." In this case, that seems very true. I like the canon characters, I like the way they've been built (no pun intended) and I like how they reacted in certain situations. It's what makes fanfiction all the more interesting. People will sometimes take the characters we know and put them into situations they've never been in. Revisiting such a critical scene that revealed Krika's character…you took a risk approaching that. I like risk-takers, but I would be remiss to not mention how it didn't pay off this time.Another thing I want to address is how there's too much of a good thing. I'm talking about your excessive use of ellipses, especially in your dialogue. Trailing off like that, for no other apparent reason than forcing drama from their voices felt painfully forced. Moreover, it felt unnatural, so keep an eye on that in the future. Characterization aside, I think your description of the Karda Nui swamps was well done, capturing the feel of the scenery and the uneasiness between a Toa hero and a Makuta villain. It's a strong dynamic - on one hand very easy to express, and yet somehow very easy to ruin. That didn't cause you as much of a problem as the aforementioned characterization issue though.Last thing I want to address is what I realized at the tail end of this story. This is an Ambage contest entry! And that said, I think this was a very weak attempt at working the theme into your work. The scene change to the Karda Nui escape made me pause momentarily, but once it came to light that the scene's sole purpose seemed to be a reinforcement of integrating the theme with your flash fiction piece, I was disappointed. Ambage write off themes (Fortnightly Flash Fic. Contests included) are open to interpretation and this isn't the first time I've seen the theme slip in at the end. I simply took issue with the fact that there was nothing solid about leading up to your use of the theme. It came out of nowhere, like you suddenly remembered that you had to use the theme somewhere in your story.So as a flash fiction story, it's not bad, but it does need work on characterization. As a FFFC entry, I would recommend a stronger emphasis on the theme material.-Ced
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#5 Offline Chro

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Posted Nov 04 2012 - 07:11 PM

Thanks Ced. Yeah, like I said before, this was kind of weak, I was writing just for the sake of having something done (not a good idea necessarily, but I was trying to get back to writing after an empty week). Anyway, I think I'll write up another entry tonight or tomorrow, a better one of course. :lol:
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