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The Perfect Cage -- Review

Bionicle Paracosmos

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#1 Online bonesiii

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Posted Nov 10 2012 - 09:05 AM

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Welcome to the review topic for The Perfect Cage, the second epic in the Kuambu Saga – the second Saga of three – in the Bionicle Paracosmos fanfic series.As always, I don't expect reviews but they are greatly appreciated, especially telling me theories you come up with as you're reading, constructive criticism, which parts you liked best, and asking any questions you may have. I cannot always answer questions without giving away future plot but sometimes I can. :)In every Paracosmos story I write I try to experiment with different approaches. Here's a little insight into the approach here compared to past stories.In many of my earlier stories I had only a few POV threads, often alternating chapters with just the main protagonist's POV and various side characters. In the first one, The Sword is But the Focus, Kopaka was the protagonist, and the main side character with POV in it was Nijire. Also, the second short story, Emissary of Earth, took place during that epic, and it was from Onua's point of view. This story takes those same characters but flips the order, so Onua is the main protagonist, Nijire the second, and Kopaka a third. (I consider Kopaka to be one of the top two protagonists of the series as a whole, so he will get more in later stories.)Later stories moved away from the alternating chapters format, mixing different threads in each chapter. I also experimented with having more threads. This culminated in the first episode of the Kuambu Saga, Endless Blue, my longest work yet, with a huge number of threads. To keep it easier to follow I split it up into five Parts with ten chapters each, focusing on different side threads in each one.This time I set out to write just these three threads in the whole story, although there is one exception later on.It is also long, with almost as many chapters as EB, though the chapters are shorter (about 12 pages in my word processing program, versus about 20). I did not begin with the idea of splitting this one into Parts, but because it's easier to write long stories in multiple documents as the computer gets slow when a single massive document is open, I started splitting it into ten-chapter “slices.” As it turned out, the plot kept just happening to fit dividing these into five Parts, so I've decided to use that system for this one again. There are some thematic differences in each of the Parts, though nothing like EB had.So, each Part is ten chapters each, not counting the prologue and epilogue, except Part Five is just 8 chapters. Some of the chapters that end or begin a Part are longer than the average; about 16 pages.Just FTR, the epic that comes after this one has been written for a while – I wasn't sure when it would take place, but now have made some minor edits to put it as the third Kuambu Saga story. It has been retitled Falling Sun, and I'll probably post it immediately after this is fully posted. It's much shorter, and is purely from one character's POV (a new character).Catchup:Here's a summary of past story, mostly focusing on Endless Blue, in case anyone wants it. This should all be clear eventually to a brand-new reader in-story, but this is an option. :)The series began, with the Hidden Enemy Saga, or the Rahunga Saga, taking place during the Paracosmos equivalent of Bionicle's 2001 story, the Coming of the Toa. The six Toa battled the Rahi, retrieved hidden Kanohi Masks of power, and investigated the mystery of why the Rahi were being infected faster than they used to be. It turned out that some 'Tohunga' (as Matoran were called in the Dark Time when the evil Makuta's influence was over the island of Mata Nui) willingly followed Makuta, using the hatred-based black liquid mutagen rahudermis to transform into larger, more powerful versions of themselves.Two secretive organizations were also discovered around this time.The apparently good 'Unknown' shapeshifters, who mystically guided a Ta-Matoran mapmaker named Hujo on a quest to find a Blue Fire Staff, and whose leader, Caroha, was later revealed to have accidentally spawned the Paracosmos. She was once a Ga-Matoran scientist in the original Bionicle 'Cosmos', but she touched a strange shining blue liquid she called chronoserum... and the next thing she knew the Paracosmos existed, a corrupted, expanded version of her world.There is also the malicious Third Faction, who has a more gray-area philosophy of morality but seeks to dominate the Paracosmos, led by another shapeshifter, a female named Arakra. The Captain of the Rahunga, after tempting Toa Kopaka to join Makuta, finally decided to abandon the murderous Brotherhood and instead join the Third Faction, who did not kill. He unleashed ghostly enemies who, to make a long story short, led Hujo to discover Caroha's secret. They also introduced the Toa to an island due east of Mata Nui – Kriitunga Island.The inhabitants of Mata Nui were almost drawn into a war with the Kriitunga, but eventually a shaky alliance was formed.But at the same time, a larger threat of the oceanic surface realm was alerted to the presence of Mata Nui Island, and sent their fleet to anchor off of its southern coast. Little is known about them except their name – Kuambu, that they often fire projectiles called Kuamor spheres with various powers, and they have a powerful Empire throughout the Aqua Magna ocean.The reptilian sea Captain, Bhukasa, who was friends with the Toa, led a quest to learn more about the Kuambu, but he was soon caught up in a deadly struggle with the Lone Captain, a rogue Kuambu ruling a single ship who had a personal vendetta against Bhukasa. Meanwhile, the Toa raced to stop the Third Faction's meddling with the Bahrag, and then to stop the Bahrag themselves. It was discovered that the Bohrok of the Paracosmos have several mysterious purposes besides Cleaning the island. One of those, the Lone Captain tried to take advantage of, risking mass genocide.It was discovered, by Hujo (and he kept it a secret, known only to a few others) that the Paracosmos Matoran Universe – the realm of undersea domes – was very different from the Cosmos one.The giant Great Spirit robot of the canon Bionicle was here, with domes containing places like Metru Nui, but there were far more domes as well. These formed a vast web which connected like chains to the giant robot. Should Mata Nui wake up, the Bohrok would need to sever these chains. If he was taken over – say, by Makuta – he would remain chained to the planet.But there was a problem with this system; the Bohrok would need to go down into the ocean to cut these chains, which were the tunnels connecting the giant robot's domes with different domes with islands in them, and this would flood the Matoran Universe. Now, Bhukasa's people – who had since gone extinct except for him – had a strange type of technology that used black metal with computer programming and various powers contained in it. One of these, it was learned, had long ago helped the Unknown create systems that removed sections of the ocean, making walls of golden light and converting the water inside to air.When a Hole in the Ocean was opened, the Bohrok would cut a 'chain.'But the Lone Captain tried to prevent a system of doors from going down over the two sides of the tunnels, to force the Matoran Universe to flood when the golden walls eventually disappeared and the ocean rushed back in. Thankfully, Bhukasa and others brought him to defeat, and the doors were shut.On his journeys during these events, Bhukasa gathered a small crew, including two beings he had known in the past; Toggler, a shapeswitcher from an icy island, and Sairiph, a small winged being with many powers. Both seemed to be of questionable morals, though Bhukasa learned the truth of Toggler's past in the final chapter of Endless Blue and forgave him his past crimes. Sairiph's true motives remain a mystery.Several other events happened that had yet to be resolved.First, a tiny parasitic being called Haywire possessed the Po-Matoran chef named Korau. A wandering mutant Kriitunga fooled him into being trapped on the coldest part of Toggler's homeland. The cold would make Haywire leave his host, but what she didn't tell them was that it would be free to leave and attack the rest of Toggler's people. The Toa learned of this deception too late, and Korau was not yet freed. He was frozen alive, but could be thawed.Secondly, a Matoran mercenary of the Kuambu suddenly left their service, apparently having remembered her forgotten past, and convinced two Po-Matoran, the carver Hafu and the scout Kuhauha, to leave with her. They had taken a tablet from a group of pirates, which contained all the major events of the canon Bionicle storyline – which the Paracosmos would inevitably always mirror to some extent, as the main characters had learned. For unknown reasons these three Matoran fled the scene and have yet to contact anyone else.Of greater concern, the King of the Kriitunga was trapped by mysterious forces in a Kuambu prison on his island. Due to the Kriitunga's laws, a trapped King is no King at all, and so the political situation there has become unstable.

 

Another group of Toa was encountered who Bhukasa had known once; they had all fallen into comas by being hosts of Haywire. Bhukasa found a way to Awaken them, and they achieved their destiny of stopping the pirates. Now these Toa have remained with Bhukasa as crewmembers, while considering what to do next.Makuta Teridax had been believed to be killed for a while. Rathoa and the other Rahunga had been tasked with reviving him via his mask if this would happen, but Rathoa betrayed him, taking the mask, using another mask to mentally enslave some other Rahunga, and tried to take over the Brotherhood in Teridax's place. He also used yet another mask he had invented to convert himself into a Makuta, so he believed he would be qualified for the position.However, the Brotherhood revealed that Makuta was not actually dead; some of his antidermis had been teleported away by a mysterious being named Vaurukan, and was now held prisoner on Vaurukan's island. He had known this would happen, and contrived a faked death at the hands of the Toa in order to test the loyalty of his Rahunga. For his treason, the Brotherhood put out a kill order on Rathoa, and the remaining loyal Rahunga set about preparing a rescue mission for Teridax. Rathoa grudgingly joined forces with Toa Onua, who agreed to help him find Makuta first and prevent the Rahunga from freeing him.Most importantly, during the events unleashed by Rathoa, the six Bohrok Kal had also formed a shaky alliance with the Toa. They had apparently disbanded the alliance as the Toa tried to capture the Bahrag, abandoning their allies. Their status is currently unknown. Those like Hujo, who know how events went in the Cosmos, know that it is from the Kal that the next great threat may be expected, but what Hujo cannot yet know is the role of the Kuambu, and of Vaurukan, or of the many other strange beings and things in this realm...


Edited by bonesiii, Jan 21 2013 - 01:01 AM.

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#2 Offline The First Speaker

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Posted Nov 17 2012 - 10:25 AM

Good to see that this has already started. So far, not much to coment by my part, other than the fact that I'm very intrigued about the Toa Nuva. Lewa said that their transformation is not right, and except for Kopaka (whose description wasn't that far off of his canon Nuva version) that is ture. I'm really looking forward to reading more descriptions about them! Especially Gali and Tahu. Some art would be appreciated too, but that is of course up to you and your free time.
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#3 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Nov 23 2012 - 09:57 PM

The Perfect Cage. And Perfect Timing! :P I've been looking forward to this and it comes at a time when I'm better off reading a short chapter every few days between studying for exams, rather than playing a game and getting engrossed for hours! And of course, I'm very excited to see what's next for the Paracosmos.Prologue: Excellent swift setting of tone and situation. I thought that was Tahu at first in the caldera, but apparently it's malicious. (And later I see it's Vaurukan.) Was this also a convenient excuse to showcase your theory on how the whole Ta-Koro geography works? I remember reading that topic but not commenting. :)

Whenua lingered, as did Onua. “What island are you on right now?” the elder asked.

Lol. I guess they haven't quite embedded the concept of planets in their idioms yet. :P

even changed his secondary color to yellow.

The dreaded yellow stone element! I remember that whole controversy. Good times; but your negative portrayal here doesn't help! :PWeird that I never theorized Sairiph might be a Makuta. It explains his terrifying skills and power from before. Guess you just kept us distracted so well! Cool to have such a reveal so early, and it also calls back to the early days of the MU, which is another favourite part of Bionicle for me.Awesome start!

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#4 Online bonesiii

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Posted Nov 23 2012 - 10:51 PM

Chapter 2. :)

Good to see that this has already started. So far, not much to coment by my part, other than the fact that I'm very intrigued about the Toa Nuva. Lewa said that their transformation is not right, and except for Kopaka (whose description wasn't that far off of his canon Nuva version) that is ture. I'm really looking forward to reading more descriptions about them! Especially Gali and Tahu. Some art would be appreciated too, but that is of course up to you and your free time.

I did make MOCs of them, although there's the problem of not having a good camera for it. I'll see what I can do if I find time though. :)

Was this also a convenient excuse to showcase your theory on how the whole Ta-Koro geography works? I remember reading that topic but not commenting.

I hadn't thought of it until I finished writing this epic, or nearly so, I forget which, and didn't quite incorporate it, though there's some reference to ideas that led up to it. :) I may have it featured in the epic that's two after this one if plans go as expected (the one I only wrote the prologue and first chapter for so far).

Weird that I never theorized Sairiph might be a Makuta. It explains his terrifying skills and power from before. Guess you just kept us distracted so well!

I guess so. I had been throwing in as many clues to it as I could think of without just giving it away, too. :P

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#5 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Nov 27 2012 - 12:44 AM

Chapter 1: Right off the bat, we have the perfect cage for Nijire. Except it's not just the room, it's her very own body. In that sense, things have already gotten pretty serious in the story!I think this is the first time reading such a building out of Onua's character. You've taken some very basic cues from canon and are already expanding beautifully. Anyway, I guess we'll get to see him in action soon enough. :P
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Updated October 23!

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#6 Online bonesiii

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Posted Dec 04 2012 - 03:43 PM

Chapter 3's up.

 

 

Chapter 1: Right off the bat, we have the perfect cage for Nijire. Except it's not just the room, it's her very own body. In that sense, things have already gotten pretty serious in the story!I think this is the first time reading such a building out of Onua's character. You've taken some very basic cues from canon and are already expanding beautifully. Anyway, I guess we'll get to see him in action soon enough. :P

Nice observations. :)


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#7 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Dec 04 2012 - 10:06 PM

Chapter 2

 

 

It plenty big enough to poke her head out.

 

Accidentally a word.

 

So Kopaka discovers he's lost his elemental power of Ice. Somehow, I suspect it wasn't the Kal who stole the Nuva symbols this time (if that IS the cause of this event in the Paracosmos)... I think that, at least, Kopaka's was stolen by the same kidnappers of the Ko-Matoran.

 

As I read Nijire's exploration of the river cavern, with the darkness and chasms and eerie chime and apparent circular structure, I felt like she (and I) were in a giant puzzle. So many disparate elements, and no telling what's significant and what's not. I'm not sure why, but it felt quite creepy! And then the orange-crystal-embedded-cylinder just made things creepy and confusing and dangerous, as if it wasn't already all of those things!


Edited by Takuta-Nui, Dec 04 2012 - 10:07 PM.

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#8 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 05 2012 - 01:07 AM

The opening of this thing didn't seem to work IMO. It wasn't really an attention-bringer, it put me to sleep, mentally speaking, until Spirah = Sairph. That caught my attention.(!) I think I will have a closer look at this opening. 
 

Onua walked alone through the savannah land of Kini-Wahi. His eyes were barely focused on what was in front of him.

 
All he could think about was how unfair all this was, that this burden was on him.
 
Onua only.

#quote end
 
I think these lines were supposed to set up a psychological conflict and an atmosphere of creepiness, but it was lost on me. The problem is that I don't know what is causing the psychological conflict, and I'm starting to suspect from the word choice that it is over something trivial. 
 
 

Those were the words that had appeared on a mysterious tablet moments ago, as the Turaga concluded their meeting with the Toa and others who were helping them. The tablet had been found the day before, and it was blank. But then messages kept appearing... and changing...

 
The Turaga believed the messages came from the mysterious people who called themselves the 'Unknown.'
 
Along with these words were a map to a spot deep in the Fau swamp, and three more words.
 
Claw of Strength.

#quote end
 
And that suspicion is confirmed! A scavenger hunt to er, replace a missing Toa tool. (I'm missing something here, right?) Sounds a little too perfect. 
 
I thought those tablets were BE, although I guess he is nonexistant now. :(
 
 

What did that mean? The right-hand one of his glovelike Toa Tools was missing. Maybe this would replace it? But why couldn't he bring help?

#quote end
 
Trap. 
 
Then we got this strange scene of some creatures sewing the Mangai shut. Okay...and what does this have to do with anything? (I read on and found out, but at the moment it doesn't seem to have any relevance at all.)
 

Something that’s inside the volcano.

 
A twig snapped in the jungle.
 
He whirled.
 
Eyes.
 
Eyes everywhere.
 
Pairs of eyes. Watching him.
 
He looked left, to the east. Eyes dotted the front of the forest for as far as he could see.
 
Looked right. The same.
 
He knew who those eyes belonged to, though nobody had managed to see – or remember – their actual forms. For they had arrived on the island a few days ago and attacked mysteriously from the shadows, kidnapping some. But one thing they did not keep secret. Their name.
 
Kuambu.

#quote end
 
Ooo...creepy. Also, the eyes thing is cliche. Especially in the jungle.  
 
And then we cut to...a Turaga meeting. 
 
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....
 
Sairph. Glad to meet you properly. 
 
Fortunately, things improved rather well from there. :)
 
Nijre: I like this character a good deal. I suppose, given my username, that's not much of a surprise. :P I really like the way you set her up too, with the whole creepy Rahi busting into the room. That builds a lot of suspense, which unfortunately your opening did not (for me, anyway :shrugs:). 
 
Also, starting to wonder about Nijre's "prison". Some of her comments about cages make me think that someone dipped Nijre in some Chronoseurum, and she is wandering around in her own Event. Although the wacko Rahi, crystal and the staircase seem to discount that idea. I'll keep an eye on it. 

Edited by fishers64, Dec 05 2012 - 03:18 AM.

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#9 Online bonesiii

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Posted Dec 09 2012 - 02:27 PM

Chapter 4. :)

 

So Kopaka discovers he's lost his elemental power of Ice. Somehow, I suspect it wasn't the Kal who stole the Nuva symbols this time (if that IS the cause of this event in the Paracosmos)... I think that, at least, Kopaka's was stolen by the same kidnappers of the Ko-Matoran.

I think it's safe to just explain this one, as it's meant to be implied in-story now. There are no Nuva Symbols in the Paracosmos, and no Nuva Cube. The entire system has been replaced by Btou-merged Toa Tools. The Tools now serve the equivalent function. As long as the Toa holds their Tool, they have elemental powers. But if someone takes the Tool, that someone gets the powers instead and the Toa is powerless. (And that someone could use it in the normal way to help unlock a protocage.)

 

You can probably guess where bad guy motives will now go based on clues I've given, but how it'll be done and what more important goals they may have in mind I can't say. ;) And the Kal will be involved as revealed already for the Bohrok Kool contest.

 

 

The opening of this thing didn't seem to work IMO. It wasn't really an attention-bringer, it put me to sleep, mentally speaking, until Spirah = Sairph. That caught my attention.(!) I think I will have a closer look at this opening.

Fair enough. There are plot reasons that will become clear later why it had to open that way. If I did it chronologically it would have started with a meeting so would be even more boring. :P

 

 

I think these lines were supposed to set up a psychological conflict and an atmosphere of creepiness, but it was lost on me. The problem is that I don't know what is causing the psychological conflict, and I'm starting to suspect from the word choice that it is over something trivial.

Well, he's heading into an area heavily infested with the Kuambu, and the people sending him (the Unknown) are refusing to give any details as to why. As for why in general he's having psychological conflict about this, it's just basically his worry over his own personality, and his seeming inability to understand himself. :)

 

 

And that suspicion is confirmed! A scavenger hunt to er, replace a missing Toa tool. (I'm missing something here, right?) Sounds a little too perfect.

Keep in mind that a character's theories as to the answer to a mystery in my writing should never be confused for the actual answer. Onua has no idea why he's actually going in there, and he concludes that since he's missing a Tool, that must be it. But the evidence doesn't quite fit, as his Tool is not what grants Strength but his mask. :)

 

 

I thought those tablets were BE, although I guess he is nonexistant now.

I can see why it would seem that way. It was established in a previous story (Captain of Treason I think) that Unknown have blank tablets that they can make messages appear on, so your starting with EB is probably what made that confusion. BE did control the words of a map there, but that was a map created by a mini-Event in the same chronoserum pool BE was made in. Basically the tablets are like text-message cellphones for Unknown. :P

 

 

Then we got this strange scene of some creatures sewing the Mangai shut. Okay...and what does this have to do with anything? (I read on and found out, but at the moment it doesn't seem to have any relevance at all.)

This was meant to be the big catch at the beginning and yes, it's supposed to be a mystery as to why it would be happening right now. :) In hindsight it may have been catchier to tell this even more out-of-chronological-order and lead with that -- thoughts? But I felt there had to be some feeling of why Onua would be there in the jungle staring back at the Kuambu at a location near the Mangai.

 

 

Also, the eyes thing is cliche. Especially in the jungle.

I know. :P Basically forced into it by the nature of the Kuambu. I do try to avoid cliches, but some cliches are logical so I don't artificially guide the story away from them just because other stories have had it.

 

 

Nijre: I like this character a good deal. I suppose, given my username, that's not much of a surprise. :P

Heh, I noticed that weird coincidence too. And you use white in your avatar, and she's white. Weird...

 

 

I really like the way you set her up too, with the whole creepy Rahi busting into the room. That builds a lot of suspense, which unfortunately your opening did not (for me, anyway :shrugs:).

Probably why this happened was that when planning this episode, the Onua stuff has been intended since 2001, but the Nijire stuff was unestablished until more recently when I got a cool idea (IMO) for it, and maybe that was so cool it has outperformed the original context lol. I did notice the Nijire scenes seem more engaging than the early Onua scenes but couldn't think of any way to get around it. The secrets behind both are dependant on each other, so I needed both.

 

 

 

Also, starting to wonder about Nijre's "prison". Some of her comments about cages make me think that someone dipped Nijre in some Chronoseurum, and she is wandering around in her own Event. Although the wacko Rahi, crystal and the staircase seem to discount that idea. I'll keep an eye on it.

I think it's fine for me to just confirm that there are no more Events involved in this story. I've just involved mini-Events in two stories in a row, so that would get a little old. Stories from here on will start to delve more deeply into the other time and reality altering qualities of chronoserum. :)


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#10 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Dec 10 2012 - 06:15 PM

Hey, I'm doing a pretty good job keeping up so far. :P I aim to catch up properly after the 18th when I write my last final!

 

Chapter 3: Nijire's scenes are really heart-pounding now. She's close to getting somewhere, even if it's with a weird hanging staircase! Having read fishers64's reactions to the contrasting tones of Onua and Nijire's story threads, I agree that they are different. But I still remember Twisted Island, where it seemed like everybody was in the middle of action everywhere. Being on the same island (for the most part) made it even more disorienting. But here, the two are very distinctive (and Kopaka's has just picked up too). In that way, it is easier to keep track of what happens to who and where and when. I prefer that technique over "ACTION FOR ALL THE THINGS!" :P

 

The Kuambu really seem interested in Onua. Or maybe only because he happens to be the only active Toa in the jungle. All the same - eyes, eyes, what do they see?

 

I feel really bad for Nijire now. The most obvious route of escape snatched right out from under her (literally)... Later: I didn't realize it wasn't the entire staircase. Maybe that could have been written more clearly, but probably even Nijire couldn't tell at first what really happened at first, so I guess it still works for the sake of keeping the reader in her mind!

 

I find it an interesting coincidence that when Nijire screamed, Kopaka also heard a female scream. No telling yet if they happened at the same time (and they're obviously not near each other), but I get the feeling it's more than coincidence...

 

The eerie chime: a timer? A signal? A sound caused by something else like a door opening? Mysterious.


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Updated October 23!

An Update Blog on the Chrysalis Saga

By Takuta-Nui


#11 Offline fishers64

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Posted Dec 11 2012 - 06:41 AM

@TN: I agree that "all action, all the time" isn't really that great. But I think an opening - beginning of the story - should have something to draw the reader in, and not put the reader to sleep. That's what I was driving at, not thread contrast, although that does play a role.Anyway...

 

The opening of this thing didn't seem to work IMO. It wasn't really an attention-bringer, it put me to sleep, mentally speaking, until Spirah = Sairph. That caught my attention.(!) I think I will have a closer look at this opening.

Fair enough. There are plot reasons that will become clear later why it had to open that way. If I did it chronologically it would have started with a meeting so would be even more boring. :P

 

Unfortunately, my mind actually skipped over the opening on the first reading, so the psychological effect was the same as if you had started it with the meeting (in fact, at one point I thought you had!). Then I started to ask myself "Why did my mind skip over this? Must have been pretty boring if it didn't even register...and I equated it with the meeting..." 

 

I think these lines were supposed to set up a psychological conflict and an atmosphere of creepiness, but it was lost on me. The problem is that I don't know what is causing the psychological conflict, and I'm starting to suspect from the word choice that it is over something trivial.

Well, he's heading into an area heavily infested with the Kuambu, and the people sending him (the Unknown) are refusing to give any details as to why. As for why in general he's having psychological conflict about this, it's just basically his worry over his own personality, and his seeming inability to understand himself. :)

 

Interesting. Why I didn't get this puzzles me, although I suspect it might be a bit of me not getting Lewa during EB, along the same idea lines. But I get it now, and I actually relate to that- so now the Onua scenes are starting to grow on me. Insidious.

 

  

Then we got this strange scene of some creatures sewing the Mangai shut. Okay...and what does this have to do with anything? (I read on and found out, but at the moment it doesn't seem to have any relevance at all.)

This was meant to be the big catch at the beginning and yes, it's supposed to be a mystery as to why it would be happening right now. :) In hindsight it may have been catchier to tell this even more out-of-chronological-order and lead with that -- thoughts? But I felt there had to be some feeling of why Onua would be there in the jungle staring back at the Kuambu at a location near the Mangai.

 

  :shrugs:   

 

Nijre: I like this character a good deal. I suppose, given my username, that's not much of a surprise. :P

Heh, I noticed that weird coincidence too. And you use white in your avatar, and she's white. Weird...

 

 

Just remember that my avatar also has black edges. 

 

I really like the way you set her up too, with the whole creepy Rahi busting into the room. That builds a lot of suspense, which unfortunately your opening did not (for me, anyway :shrugs:).

Probably why this happened was that when planning this episode, the Onua stuff has been intended since 2001, but the Nijire stuff was unestablished until more recently when I got a cool idea (IMO) for it, and maybe that was so cool it has outperformed the original context lol. I did notice the Nijire scenes seem more engaging than the early Onua scenes but couldn't think of any way to get around it. The secrets behind both are dependant on each other, so I needed both.

 

 I agree with the part about the cool idea outperforming the original context. Chapter 4 challenged that a bit, however, so I won't say the original context was a lost cause. 

 

Also, starting to wonder about Nijre's "prison". Some of her comments about cages make me think that someone dipped Nijre in some Chronoseurum, and she is wandering around in her own Event. Although the wacko Rahi, crystal and the staircase seem to discount that idea. I'll keep an eye on it.

I think it's fine for me to just confirm that there are no more Events involved in this story. I've just involved mini-Events in two stories in a row, so that would get a little old. Stories from here on will start to delve more deeply into the other time and reality altering qualities of chronoserum. :)

 

Glad to know that it wasn't that. :) Just making sure...Chapter 4: That time-slowing machine that gives you time to think, I want. Starting to notice a bit of the theme of time playing in here, with Nijre's gearwork clock and the whole wacko chronoseurum thing.Also, I'm recalling in Onua's references to the Seahopper. From the way he talks about it, you would think it was waiting offshore ready to take Onua and Co. to Vaarukan's island. Is it? The "catchup" section at the top of this page makes it seem that Bhukasa and Co. are at Kriitunga island...or is that just the Toa that Bhukasa Awakened? 


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#12 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Dec 11 2012 - 02:58 PM

Got such an early start to studying today that I get to catch up now. Sweet.

 

Chapter 4: Cool callback to the Awakening phenomenon. I'd briefly forgotten about that. This actually lends so much colour to the island now - a whole army of intelligent Gukko! Those could end up being really powerful allies. (I realize the army in this chapter was an illusion, though, just to be clear.)

 

 

 

Onua had been holding the tablet so that his thumb was on the back and his other fingers covered the front – now he felt inscriptions appear. Looked.

This was actually really confusing. How could his thumbs be on the back if he was holding it...? I tried to imagine doing it and couldn't figure it out without it being an unnecessarily awkward position...

 

 

 

All the light in these indentations moved around in rhythmic patterns. He half expected to hear a deep breathing sound, but instead the room was filled with pure silence.

Very nice description! I could really see it. Also feels like a Wind Waker inspiration from the boss room of Gohdan... I figure if I was right last time, I might be this time too. :P

 

 

 

“Sorry,” he whispered, embarrassed not only for that mistake but that he was talking to animals and now tablets

Funny! But I wonder if this is going to help Onua eventually 'talk to himself.' Sometimes to understand yourself better, you have to start by talking to other things and people in unexpected ways... I also need to remark that this whole scene really feels like a video game puzzle. That isn't necessarily bad, but I remember reading an epic by an (IMO) novice writer and it was very obviously based on a typical video game challenge and puzzle structure, with progressively different and tougher enemies appearing and passageway choices like this. It's almost always engaging when actually playing a game, but when written as a story, not so much, for me at least. No impact felt here, so just take this as a word of caution. :)

 

I see a clear theme of a particular type of cage now. Simply: yourself. Nijire's cramped body, and now Kopaka's new susceptibility to an element previously associated in the same breath with his name. Also Onua's own understanding of himself has clearly been set up as an obstacle to overcome in this story, although it hasn't reached crisis stage yet. I think what I take from here is that your writing is very clean and clear. The mystery is still there, but the characters themselves are readily understandable. Good job!

 

Wow, intense slow-time experience. You conveyed that experience superbly. Can't wait to see what happens next!


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Posted Dec 14 2012 - 12:34 AM

Chapter 5. ^_^

 

 

But I still remember Twisted Island, where it seemed like everybody was in the middle of action everywhere. Being on the same island (for the most part) made it even more disorienting. But here, the two are very distinctive (and Kopaka's has just picked up too). In that way, it is easier to keep track of what happens to who and where and when. I prefer that technique over "ACTION FOR ALL THE THINGS!" :P

Yeah, I figured my approach here would appeal to different people differently. Anywho, I think I did find a way in general around this issue that I couldn't really edit into this story without massively changing other things, but I've tried to use it in the opening of the next major epic I'm writing (Kuambu episode 4).

 

 

I feel really bad for Nijire now. The most obvious route of escape snatched right out from under her (literally)... Later: I didn't realize it wasn't the entire staircase. Maybe that could have been written more clearly, but probably even Nijire couldn't tell at first what really happened at first, so I guess it still works for the sake of keeping the reader in her mind!

Yeah, I did want that part to be confusing, 'cuz it's pitch black above her and she thinks she's about to be eaten. :P

 

 

so now the Onua scenes are starting to grow on me. Insidious.

:lol:

 

 

Also, I'm recalling in Onua's references to the Seahopper. From the way he talks about it, you would think it was waiting offshore ready to take Onua and Co. to Vaarukan's island. Is it?

It's docked at Ga-Koro waiting on Onua to finish this mission from the Unknown. I could have explained this more clearly but I was afraid of being too info-dumpey early on since there was a lot to go over. So I opted to focus mostly on the details only relevant to what they're dealing with now and clear up the rest as they get to it. The basic situation should be clear by Chapter 10. :)

 

 

The "catchup" section at the top of this page makes it seem that Bhukasa and Co. are at Kriitunga island...or is that just the Toa that Bhukasa Awakened?

Just that Toa Team. What part made you think Bhukasa was there? As is probably obvious now, I didn't intend to imply that, heh. Maybe some editing is in order.

 

 

This was actually really confusing. How could his thumbs be on the back if he was holding it...? I tried to imagine doing it and couldn't figure it out without it being an unnecessarily awkward position...

He wasn't trying to read it with his eyes at the same time if that's what's confusing. It was so foggy and at the bottom of a thick jungle, so he basically couldn't see it anyways, so he was holding it backwards so more fingers were covering more space of the front, to feel if the inscription changed.

 

 

Also feels like a Wind Waker inspiration from the boss room of Gohdan... I figure if I was right last time, I might be this time too. :P

Not consciously intended, just a standard Unknown design for high-security, multipurpose entryways. :) Chapter 5 makes some of its functions clearer. Incidentally, in case yall didn't connect it, this is the same room Surkahi brought the unconscious Pohatu to in Twisted Island, and he went through the circles in the floor to some secret chamber below that the reader was kept from knowing of. So there's still a lot more to it that you haven't seen yet.

 

 

I also need to remark that this whole scene really feels like a video game puzzle. That isn't necessarily bad, but I remember reading an epic by an (IMO) novice writer and it was very obviously based on a typical video game challenge and puzzle structure, with progressively different and tougher enemies appearing and passageway choices like this. It's almost always engaging when actually playing a game, but when written as a story, not so much, for me at least. No impact felt here, so just take this as a word of caution. :)

Noted. :) That wasn't really the intent here, to be clear. The whole Watcher Temple scene of Chapter 5 and the basic leadup to it was planned in 2001, as the leadin to the mysteries that this epic is now exploring.


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#14 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Dec 16 2012 - 09:46 PM

Chapter 5: Ooooh. So that was Onua's 'time ghost' that Kopaka saw! Brilliant. 

 

Short and terrifying chapter. The immensity of the magma brain creature, as well as its sheer power (being able to reach over what is probably hundreds, if not thousands, of kilometres) really changes everything... it's like an unreachable god. And obviously it has less than good motives, or perhaps has good motives that simply can't be comprehended right now. One has to wonder what sort of interest it would take in the world if it's so alien and so intelligent as Onua judged it to be.

 

Anyway, digging gloves and fog machines should help. :P


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Posted Dec 31 2012 - 02:40 PM

Chapter 6 is up. Sorry for the delay. :P

 

So that was Onua's 'time ghost' that Kopaka saw!

Yep. ^_^


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#16 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Jan 11 2013 - 10:34 AM

Same apologies for my delay - getting back into the school schedule. =)

 

Chapter 6: Maybe it is just the long break between this and last chapter, but I'm getting a slightly wandering feeling from the story now. That could be intentional, and it's not a bad thing. But especially with Nijire's somewhat unchanging situation of not knowing where she is, that feeling seems to be spilling over into Onua's story. He was just moving onto the next task and encountered yet another problem. Perhaps I'm just anti-problem and pro-progress right now. =P

 

Nijire's adventure just keeps getting better, though. It's obvious that she is exploring the pieces and aspects of some large system, and I bet that its purpose is going to be totally unexpected.


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Posted Jan 14 2013 - 11:08 PM

Chapter 8. :)

 

 

getting a slightly wandering feeling from the story now. That could be intentional, and it's not a bad thing. But especially with Nijire's somewhat unchanging situation of not knowing where she is, that feeling seems to be spilling over into Onua's story. He was just moving onto the next task and encountered yet another problem. Perhaps I'm just anti-problem and pro-progress right now. =P

It was intentional but I can understand how it feels more like adding problems. Progress is a-coming, though. ^_^

 

 

Nijire's adventure just keeps getting better, though. It's obvious that she is exploring the pieces and aspects of some large system, and I bet that its purpose is going to be totally unexpected.

I hope so. :P Of course, I'll be interested to hear any theories, even if I will likely not comment on them.


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#18 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 17 2013 - 07:48 PM

Add mine to the list of apologies for being late. 

 

I think I have enough material to try a theory on the system. :) At least, on part of it. I think that the name "Junkyard Dome" would describe the place's function at least partly. That bronze cube down there would normally be moved down and up, and this place crushes and compacts junk underneath it, sort of like a landfill. There's machinery in there that does it, which the Matoran was operating, and the eerie chime is the sound that the machinery makes. And the electricity to run that would come from the flow of the water below the dome. 

 

That, of course, does not explain the staircase(s) or the bright orange crystals or the pretzel-like circle maze thingy.  On that, I find it likely that someone is hiding valuables in that maze area - what better place to hide valuables than it a junkyard? Or maybe that's a trick to fool the prisoners (and the readers...)?

 

Also, if I may ask, who is controlling the cage? The place has marks of a Kuambu prison, like the painting and other things (such as the open doors in the maze) which seemed to be designed to keep the prisoner motivated. I don't think the enemies in question want to kill Nijre - there are too many things in here designed to keep her alive. The airstone in the bronze cube. The warnings in the circular maze about the Rahi. But Vaarukan must be a part of it somehow, because it's on his land, and whoever did that painting knew about the Rahi.  

 

* * * 

 

Not much comment on the rest, pretty good so far. It's good to see my favorite whiny old lizard again. :) And it's nice to get a new perspective on the seahopping. 

 

 

The "catchup" section at the top of this page makes it seem that Bhukasa and Co. are at Kriitunga island...or is that just the Toa that Bhukasa Awakened?

Just that Toa Team. What part made you think Bhukasa was there? As is probably obvious now, I didn't intend to imply that, heh. Maybe some editing is in order.

 

 

 Bhukasa found a way to Awaken them, and they achieved their destiny of stopping the pirates. Now they have remained on Kriitunga Island to try to keep the alliance stable.

 

 

What "they" was referring to got me there when I read it after the first chapter. :shrugs: 


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#19 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Jan 20 2013 - 03:29 PM

I feel like fishers64's theory on Nijire's whereabouts is good, although perhaps only in a poetic sense. What I mean is that there are so many disparate elements right now, and fisher did a good job listing them all. They're all so seemingly random and yet surely connected somehow, and the word 'junk' comes to mind. And the lava worms could conceivably be another disposal method, eating and melting down stuff. Perhaps doubling as a guard system, since they gave Nijire a pretty hard time. But I don't know if it really is a junkyard type of place. My instinct tells me it's something more devious than that because the whole place is just disturbing in some way. There are several contrasts: the darkness with brilliant shining crystals and owl-shaped lanterns, and the flowing water with searing hot lava. It almost seems like a malicious prison meant to torture the prisoner by giving them constant hope of escape in such a big place, yet no safety or opportunity to rest due to the worm threats.

 

Chapter 7: Not much to comment on within the chapter, but now we know Nijire is on Vaurukan's Island. That means things did go to "plan" - not good plans, but still predictable nonetheless. Here's hoping self-rescue is imminent!


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#20 Online bonesiii

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Posted Jan 21 2013 - 12:56 AM

Chapter 9 is up.

 

It appears from this chapter that I was mistaken anyways in the summary above about that Toa team staying behind on Kriitunga. There's a line in this chapter that says they were in Ga-Koro, on the Seahopper, awaiting Onua's arrival, and only during this chapter have they gone back to Kriitunga Island. Kinda jumped the gun on that, sorry. :P Changed to:

 

Now these Toa have remained with Bhukasa as crewmembers, while considering what to do next.

 

 

I can actually give a few comments on these theories/questions since most of it has stayed so basic so far.

 

Vaurukan and the Kuambu are working together in this story, but there's nuances to that which will come out later. The situation as believed by the main characters as of Chapter 9 is that the Kuambu had some purpose that they hired Vaurukan to handle, but you can safely bet his involvement is more personal than that.

 

Yes, the room with bronze and stone is part of a junkyard system normally but is not being used in that way anymore here. Basically there's a conveyor belt inside a raised pathway into the domes, and many rooms (basically giant boxes) like that are sent in on that and dropped in, and prisoners can take stuff from them (you'll see how later on). But that conveyor system has been disabled now for this dome and plays no role in this story other than the hint to it in the painting.

 

No, there is no compactor system, at least not in this dome. All the junk sent in remains intact, unless the inmates choose otherwise. The Matoran was connecting pieces of the technological junk so that it would perform a grander function, which will be explored later. (For the moment Nijire will remain unconscious. :P)

 

And yes, there's much more going on here than meets the eye yet. :) Your suspicions are on the right track, TN. :evilgrin: But the purpose is not something so petty as mere torture. No, Vaurukan wants something.


Edited by bonesiii, Jan 21 2013 - 01:01 AM.

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#21 Offline fishers64

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Posted Jan 22 2013 - 12:10 PM

Then I'm going to float a theory on what Vaurukan wants. He's testing the prisoners to see which one can escape, because he wants a specific quality in his prisoners to complete some task for him, which is required to escape from this place. And whatever task is freaking important that it is done right, because he built the whole structure to make sure he had the right being. I also suspect that there is a way to travel between the domes without escaping the system. The painting would seem to be a "you are here" sign, and why allow a painting that has a navigation label on the dome you're in, but not label the others? if you can't get there? Although that might be another trick to try to tantalize the prisoner to escape. That's all I have for now.
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#22 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Jan 22 2013 - 10:09 PM

You pulled a bit of a trick there so that we both were right! It WAS a junkyard like fishers64 thought, but now it does serve a greater purpose like I thought. ;)

 

Again, following fishers64's lead on its true purpose. I'll add that Vaurukan may have designed the system so intricately that each thing Nijire is encountering serves to test a particular quality or attribute. They all overlap, since a lot of it is seemingly about escape and danger, but there is clearly some puzzle-solving with the disorienting structure and maze. It all serves to pinpoint one very specific ability, for if a person can escape or otherwise succeed in all of the challenges, then they must have that ability.

 

Chapter 8: I like the way you set things up with that legend of monsters. Clearly someone else has done their research (and lots of running too :P)... this is just enough to make me nervous and excited, but also curious enough to not simply be looking forward to spectacular scenes of monsters. Now I have to wonder why these creatures exist, whether they're controlled by Vaurukan, and so on. Also, I've noticed a major theme of worms and tentacles in this story. Not just the creatures here, but also the giant brain underneath the robot. Wonder if something's up with that theme? ;)

 

Poor Kopaka with the open door, hah. I guess the wind might slow his thawing or even put out the fire?

 

 

[Onua pictured the blur as a huge mechanical timer, set to a half hour, then another as the creature sent its tendrils. The clock did not tick down yet, because they hadn’t arrived at a destination. Once they did, it would start.

 

That is such an unique plot challenge. Awesome.

 

Interesting turn of events at the end, but definitely not unexpected.

 

Chapter 9: Just got to read this chapter. Not much for me to say here, but I was surprised that Kopaka got to see the Kuambu. Hopefully his rock record is still intact, but they probably saw him carve it, so it'll probably be destroyed. We'll see.


Edited by Takuta-Nui, Feb 03 2013 - 12:46 PM.

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#23 Online bonesiii

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Posted Feb 04 2013 - 07:06 AM

Chapter 10 is up. :)

 

I had a draft up for my reply here which I lost, sorry if my attempt to re-type from poor memory is lame. :P *gets to work...*

 

Then I'm going to float a theory on what Vaurukan wants. He's testing the prisoners to see which one can escape, because he wants a specific quality in his prisoners to complete some task for him, which is required to escape from this place. And whatever task is freaking important that it is done right, because he built the whole structure to make sure he had the right being.

 

Again, following fishers64's lead on its true purpose. I'll add that Vaurukan may have designed the system so intricately that each thing Nijire is encountering serves to test a particular quality or attribute. They all overlap, since a lot of it is seemingly about escape and danger, but there is clearly some puzzle-solving with the disorienting structure and maze. It all serves to pinpoint one very specific ability, for if a person can escape or otherwise succeed in all of the challenges, then they must have that ability.

 

I can't deny or confirm this, except to say that this idea will occur to Nijire at some point and she'll wonder whether it's the case.

 

I can also add that although there is a main purpose to it, the structure/system needed to accomplish that purpose also opened up the possibility of achieving some side goals, some not really related to the main one. Therefore, not everything in this whole structure is all for the main purpose. This was mainly to intentionally throw a wrench in theorizing so the actual answer wouldn't be too obvious. :P

 

Also, there are more than one "big goals". Keep in mind that both the Kuambu and Vaurukan are involved and they have their own motivations. One is the biggest goal from the main antagonist's perspective, and another is the main goal from his allies' view. So it's sort of a "you help me I'll help you" kind of deal.

 

 

I also suspect that there is a way to travel between the domes without escaping the system. The painting would seem to be a "you are here" sign, and why allow a painting that has a navigation label on the dome you're in, but not label the others? if you can't get there? Although that might be another trick to try to tantalize the prisoner to escape.

Prisoners cannot normally travel between domes, although I wouldn't rule out a possibility of a transfer under armed guards. Also, this line of reasoning assumes that the Kuambu even know the painting is there. In the old system at least, it was basically "throw in supplies for the prisoners, and let them do whatever as long as they don't escape". Whether that is the case under the new system in this particular dome I cannot answer though. :P

 

There'll be more about the situation behind the forming of that painting, briefly, in upcoming chapters.

 

 

I like the way you set things up with that legend of monsters. Clearly someone else has done their research (and lots of running too :P)... this is just enough to make me nervous and excited, but also curious enough to not simply be looking forward to spectacular scenes of monsters.

Cool, and lol @ running. :P

 

 

Now I have to wonder why these creatures exist, whether they're controlled by Vaurukan, and so on.

It is good to wonder this; it's a question that is answered much later on. :)

 

 

Also, I've noticed a major theme of worms and tentacles in this story. Not just the creatures here, but also the giant brain underneath the robot. Wonder if something's up with that theme? ;)

Yes, there is a reason for the basic theme of what these creatures are like, though it's probably way too early for me to comment on what I mean by this. Part of it though was just inspired by my original MOC of Vaurukan; the spare parts I had left over formed a mandible-worm (simpler version of it anyways). :P Also they seem like good styles of creatures to inhabit lava.

 

 

Poor Kopaka with the open door, hah. I guess the wind might slow his thawing or even put out the fire?

Maybe, but I basically intended to convey how horrible the deep cold felt to him. I doubt he was thinking strategically when he did that, it was more of an overpowering emotion.

 

 

That is such an unique plot challenge. Awesome.

Thanks; that was the main part that we planned back in 2001. :)

 

 

I was surprised that Kopaka got to see the Kuambu. Hopefully his rock record is still intact, but they probably saw him carve it, so it'll probably be destroyed. We'll see.

It goes by quick so I can see how you'd miss it, but the story stated that it was already destroyed by the tendril creature:

 

He rolled as he went – so his eyes beheld the tendril then melting away his carving.

Maybe my grammar was just too confusing here, heh? If he wasn't falling down a volcano-side and fearing that he'd just been fatally injured, he probably would have had an emotional reaction to make this clearer but I felt like it would slow down the urgency of that situation if I included that. I suppose I should have later had him think back and have a delayed reaction to it while sneaking through the smoke of the burned jungle...

 

 

Edit: Here's Chapter 11. ^_^


Edited by bonesiii, Feb 09 2013 - 04:31 AM.

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#24 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Feb 16 2013 - 09:51 PM

Ah, I did miss the carving being melted. Nod to your other comments.Now, it's Reading Week! I get to catch up! ;)Chapter 10:
But at least he would know hed found something worth blurring.
Known unknowns, heh.Nice that Kopaka finally caught a break getting away from the marketplace. By the by, it's interesting that the Kuambu are already doing this kind of thing on Mata Nui. Obviously they consider part of the island to be de facto Kuambu territory already and are just getting on with business as usual... It shows both sheer power (since they really do control that land, more or less) and arrogance.Good musings from Onua at the end about strangers showing a people something about their tradition that should stop. Sort of touches upon the moral relativist position with human cultures, which I don't personally subscribe to. Thus, I'm with Onua on this.Chapter 11:
Onua turned back to where hes seen blue.
Think that should be "he'd."A very sad chapter. I'll have you know I almost shed a tear along with Kopaka when Ito was leaving. It's really great how that character has grown to have such a profound impact on the plot and the reader despite there being so little known about him. I wonder if Onua was really hallucinating, or if the time crystal had something to do with it. Perhaps somehow its power went a bit haywire - sort of an uncontrollable exhaustion phase - and showed Onua an past time thread. It would explain why he couldn't access it while chasing what would have in fact been its power.

Edited by Takuta-Nui, Feb 17 2013 - 11:49 PM.

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#25 Online bonesiii

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Posted Feb 18 2013 - 11:02 AM

Chapter 12.

 

Nice that Kopaka finally caught a break getting away from the marketplace. By the by, it's interesting that the Kuambu are already doing this kind of thing on Mata Nui. Obviously they consider part of the island to be de facto Kuambu territory already and are just getting on with business as usual... It shows both sheer power (since they really do control that land, more or less) and arrogance.

Yep, to them, this is "our island" already, heh. :P Of course, they consider anything on the surface ocean to be their territory, though they wouldn't "set up shop" until they'd learned enough about the island to be sure they had it securely.

 

 

A very sad chapter. I'll have you know I almost shed a tear along with Kopaka when Ito was leaving. It's really great how that character has grown to have such a profound impact on the plot and the reader despite there being so little known about him.

^_^

 

 

I wonder if Onua was really hallucinating, or if the time crystal had something to do with it. Perhaps somehow its power went a bit haywire - sort of an uncontrollable exhaustion phase - and showed Onua an past time thread. It would explain why he couldn't access it while chasing what would have in fact been its power.

A neat theory I hadn't thought of. :P I can confirm that it wasn't anything to do with the crystal's abilities (any of the three crystals). I won't deny the hallucination theory though...


Edited by bonesiii, Feb 18 2013 - 11:03 AM.

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#26 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Feb 24 2013 - 11:00 PM

Chapter 12: Lots of neat discoveries here. Looks like the Makuta are making some kind of move now. I'm hoping it's a "No, this island is ours" type of move. War between the Brotherhood and the Kuambu would undeniably be pretty awesome, if destructive!I like where Onua's adventure is leading him. Presumably it's an Unknown stash, and I'm willing to bet there's something in one of the packs that counters Crazolga slime, or otherwise makes it easier to get into the cage. Knowing the Unknown, the stuff Onua finds might just take him in an entirely different direction.
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#27 Offline DeeVee

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Posted Feb 26 2013 - 02:18 PM

Not really a review, but I like your stories and wish you posted them faster. If you have the entire thing written before you start posting, why must you wait so long in between chapter postings??


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#28 Online bonesiii

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Posted Feb 26 2013 - 10:30 PM

Chapter 13. :)

 

Chapter 12: Lots of neat discoveries here. Looks like the Makuta are making some kind of move now. I'm hoping it's a "No, this island is ours" type of move. War between the Brotherhood and the Kuambu would undeniably be pretty awesome, if destructive!I like where Onua's adventure is leading him. Presumably it's an Unknown stash, and I'm willing to bet there's something in one of the packs that counters Crazolga slime, or otherwise makes it easier to get into the cage. Knowing the Unknown, the stuff Onua finds might just take him in an entirely different direction.

For the record, the Brotherhood is more concerned with the mission to free Teridax right now, so basically Destral is here as Kanoka & team's ride. :) At least in Kopaka's opinion. :P

 

Not really a review, but I like your stories and wish you posted them faster. If you have the entire thing written before you start posting, why must you wait so long in between chapter postings??

In this case it was two things, besides the usual that I proofread obsessively before posting each chapter. :P (Sometimes I do catch serious blunders at the last minute.)

 

Was planning to post the latest last Thursday but got whammied with a violent case of stomach "flu".

 

And then I came up with an idea for how to actually pull off something I've been mulling around for months (as I've mentioned in S&T occasionally recently), writing an epic that is a chronological retelling of Bionicle's history from a point before the Core War. I came up with an idea for a protagonist that could be present for most major historical events and couldn't help myself but start typing and see how far I could get. So far I'm up to eight chapters and flying through it. I just couldn't stop. :P

 

The idea of this story is to help introduce the total newbie to Bionicle, to make clearer the chronology of some of the more confusing pieces (working right from BS01's timeline, etc.), and (now) to make it all about a mystery revolving around the protagonist. And of course to be as fun as I can make it in the process. No idea if it'll continue to go as smooth, but here's hopin'. And yeah I know I'm now delaying my earlier plans to get to the EM S1 finale next but I do feel like it's time for a story that steps back and brings new readers in (if it works the way intended) who can then go on to enjoy other Bionicle fanfics with a clearer idea of what all the lingo means. :)

 

 

Edit: Chapter 14 is up.

 

And now Chapter 15. ^_^

 

Writing on that canon-fit story is going very well. Already past the Shattering and the major MU events of that year. I am now fairly certain that my tentative title is final -- The Destiny of Bionicle.


Edited by bonesiii, Mar 10 2013 - 01:35 PM.

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#29 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Mar 10 2013 - 03:18 PM

Sounds like a rad story in the making, bones! I'm actually working on a new series of my own that I hope to premiere at the end of this year, or next year. Been planning it for almost a year now, really hammering out the details of the Arena a la your method. I'm just as excited for it as you are for yours; how about some mutual read and review, eh? ;)The series title is pretty final too: The Chrysalis Saga.Chapter 13:

But it was trapped.

That'll tick them off, for sure...So, Ahku summoned a Magcargo? =P The creature is actually great, I can really see it with your description. And Nijire's attack was a good way to further describe its properties and really pinpoint the nature of its gel-flesh. Sometimes it can be challenging to truly visualize a new creature as you would in your head as writer, but here it's really easy with the way you wrote it.I loved the teleportation battle between Destral and the Kuambu. You really know how to take unique Bionicle elements (as in factors, not the actual Elemental powers) and create such cool scenarios. It'll be interesting to see where they go from there.

Edited by Takuta-Nui, Mar 10 2013 - 03:19 PM.

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#30 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 11 2013 - 04:12 PM

I am glad to say that I have no complaints this time about - mostly just enjoying the ride. I will say that the Nijre plot thread has slowed down a bit, but the other threads have had more intrigue and just plain flat amazing stuff which seems to make up for it. :) Chapter 13: I also agree : The Kuambu vs. Makuta thing was amazing - seemed to be totally unexpected, but yet...somewhat obvious. I generally like the enemies-fighting-enemies tack, as it usually gives opportunities for the good guys. Spoilered; TN's sake: (EDIT: Adjusting the spoilers to be smaller, as per TN's post below) Chapter 14:

He took the south bank, hoping to have a chance to speak again with Khungakrii, but the tendrils came back before he could reach it. They burst out of the ground near the town, rose high in the air, and turned around, bending the vision power to search for him.

 This gave me this image of little orange things popping out of the ground with eyes on the ends, bending around in circles to try to find something. Made me laugh, and almost forget that this being is an enemy. Although I suspect this thing's anger is merely due to his home being invaded by a giant machine...odd. Wait a second. Is this tendril-being working with the Kuambu? It seems...actually...not.  I also liked Onua's resolution to the Kriitunga's government problems (let's try a simple solution), and the sudden teleportation to the Field. Neat move.That situation (Kuambu vs. Seahopper) intrigued  me, however. The battle move was clearly to get the Kal, but those Kuambu didn't capture Bhukasa as well, which they probably could have. I guess they have abandoned the black metal and moved on to other projects? Or were those Kuambu just in a hurry (as Bhukasa and Co. seem to think)? Even stranger, why didn't the Kal fight the Kuambu? Or the Matoran mercaneries? If the Kal didn't fight the Kuambu, why did it take so long to get the Kal off the ship? Onua was gone for a considerable while.  

Spoiler
 Canon-fit story? Excellent. I look forward to reading it. :)


Edited by fishers64, Mar 12 2013 - 11:46 PM.

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#31 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Mar 12 2013 - 11:15 PM

Just a quick new post to say that I've read Chapter 14 now. Once again, the Field of Shadows comes in handy!
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#32 Online bonesiii

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Posted Mar 17 2013 - 05:16 PM

Chapter 16.

 

Sounds like a rad story in the making, bones! I'm actually working on a new series of my own that I hope to premiere at the end of this year, or next year. Been planning it for almost a year now, really hammering out the details of the Arena a la your method. I'm just as excited for it as you are for yours; how about some mutual read and review, eh? ;)The series title is pretty final too: The Chrysalis Saga.

Sounds awesome. Definitely. :)

 

I'm up to the beginnings of the Barraki now... Mata Nui has just announced their rulership.

 

This is a lot more fun to write than I expected. It's kinda like a pure Arena Method in a sense, the way I've designed the protagonist. Because even though I have to conform it to certain future events (authorial guiding), it hasn't felt that way at all. Those events feel much more like part of the Arena, probably because I'm not the one who invented them, heh. And I'd kinda never quite appreciated just how rich the Arena of Bionicle as already established is. One of the things I'm doing is trying to include at least a few canon images in every chapter (often repurposed, like an image of a Rahkshi from much later will be written into the plot early), and so far there's been no shortage, heh. 

So, Ahku summoned a Magcargo? =P The creature is actually great, I can really see it with your description. And Nijire's attack was a good way to further describe its properties and really pinpoint the nature of its gel-flesh. Sometimes it can be challenging to truly visualize a new creature as you would in your head as writer, but here it's really easy with the way you wrote it.

It actually was inspired partly by that. I've never actually followed Pokemon before but fairly recently looked through the online list of creatures. Of course, this wouldn't look quite so cartoonish, heh.

 

Although I suspect this thing's anger is merely due to his home being invaded by a giant machine...odd. Wait a second. Is this tendril-being working with the Kuambu? It seems...actually...not.

Curious why you say that. Vaurukan is commanding it to do what it's doing, and this is partly for his own goals and partly for the Kuambu's. That isn't really clear yet, but it'll become clearer later. :) It was meant to be implied at once point where someone said that the Kuambu had hired Vaurukan for something. And both the tendril creature and Kuambu kidnapped Ko-Matoran from various places, remember.

 

However, I would definitely say that after that point, in its chasing of Onua, Vaurukan has his own goals more in mind. Can't comment further until much later.

 

That situation (Kuambu vs. Seahopper) intrigued  me, however. The battle move was clearly to get the Kal, but those Kuambu didn't capture Bhukasa as well, which they probably could have. I guess they have abandoned the black metal and moved on to other projects? Or were those Kuambu just in a hurry (as Bhukasa and Co. seem to think)?

A bit of both, plus admittedly me just not wanting to overcomplicate this story with Bhukasa being gone too. It was mostly that they were in a hurry, and were very focused on the Kal. Also, after the public revelation to the rest of the Kuambu that the guy in charge of dealing with Bhukasa was trying to commit mass genocide, they'll need some time to think about that whole thing before they proceed. That was a side goal to the majority of them (hence why I used it as an entry-level story, as it were); now they're beginning to get into their main goals.

 

Even stranger, why didn't the Kal fight the Kuambu? Or the Matoran mercaneries? If the Kal didn't fight the Kuambu, why did it take so long to get the Kal off the ship? Onua was gone for a considerable while.

Oh, they fought. It's just that in this story I'm limiting the perspectives to only the three (other than the one exception later), and none of them were around to witness the fight.

 

I can reveal something that's meant to be vaguely implied as well -- the Kuambu brought out some of their most expensive "trump card" Kuamor spheres to make sure they succeeded in this case. So far those haven't been encountered much by our characters (though they have been seen from afar in Endless Blue, kudos for anyone who can guess where :P), for the same reason that the Kuambu are only just now starting to get around to their main goals.

 

Spoiler

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#33 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 18 2013 - 12:51 PM

Although I suspect this thing's anger is merely due to his home being invaded by a giant machine...odd. Wait a second. Is this tendril-being working with the Kuambu? It seems...actually...not.

Curious why you say that. Vaurukan is commanding it to do what it's doing, and this is partly for his own goals and partly for the Kuambu's. That isn't really clear yet, but it'll become clearer later. :) It was meant to be implied at once point where someone said that the Kuambu had hired Vaurukan for something. And both the tendril creature and Kuambu kidnapped Ko-Matoran from various places, remember. However, I would definitely say that after that point, in its chasing of Onua, Vaurukan has his own goals more in mind. Can't comment further until much later.

I guess I just picked up on Onua's suspicion that the creature was sapient, and theorized that the creature had intentions of its own unrelated to this whole Kuambu/Varuukan thing. I really need to stop picking up on character's theories and taking them as fact. Just one more of those lovely traps you have to throw off the undiscerning reader.

 

Also, after the public revelation to the rest of the Kuambu that the guy in charge of dealing with Bhukasa was trying to commit mass genocide, they'll need some time to think about that whole thing before they proceed. That was a side goal to the majority of them (hence why I used it as an entry-level story, as it were); now they're beginning to get into their main goals.

So the Kuambu have a bit of a conscience? Odd, I was thinking that the aversion to killing was much like Teridax's desire to not kill because you can't rule over, terrorize, intimidate, and torture dead beings.

 

I can reveal something that's meant to be vaguely implied as well -- the Kuambu brought out some of their most expensive "trump card" Kuamor spheres to make sure they succeeded in this case. So far those haven't been encountered much by our characters (though they have been seen from afar in Endless Blue, kudos for anyone who can guess where :P), for the same reason that the Kuambu are only just now starting to get around to their main goals.

You need to stop giving me excuses to reread EB, bones. :) Those Expensive Kuamor must be pretty potent to take out a Bohrok-Kal, and those Kal must be very important...hmm.


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#34 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Mar 23 2013 - 06:17 PM

Just barely keeping up at this point with my homework load! Can't wait to complete my last full-time semester. ;)

 

Chapter 15: Creepy myth about the two arguing Kriitunga. I wonder if there's some truth to it - perhaps pulling on the energy pack destabilized it somehow, and literally drained their energy so they dried up. No matter how scientific an explanation might be, it's no less creepy!

 

I'm sure you felt great when Taureko potentially was a powerful asset for infiltrating Destral. I imagine you didn't plan these particular events so far in advance, so having your own invented character come back full circle is pretty awesome.

 

Story's moving along. Nothing much to say about theories so far.


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#35 Online bonesiii

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Posted Mar 23 2013 - 07:44 PM

17.

 

Lots of potential fodder for theories in this one. I may become unable to say anything about any related to the questions from it, but post away. :P

 

I guess I just picked up on Onua's suspicion that the creature was sapient, and theorized that the creature had intentions of its own unrelated to this whole Kuambu/Varuukan thing. I really need to stop picking up on character's theories and taking them as fact. Just one more of those lovely traps you have to throw off the undiscerning reader.

Yeah in general in my stories, if a character has a theory and it's included in the narration or says it out loud, you can bet it's wrong. :P

 

So the Kuambu have a bit of a conscience? Odd, I was thinking that the aversion to killing was much like Teridax's desire to not kill because you can't rule over, terrorize, intimidate, and torture dead beings.

Well, the true answer to this is going to be one of the big continuing themes and mysteries throughout the Saga, so I can't comment much. It's not what it might seem.

 

I'll just add that the Kuamor spheres add a strategic reason not to kill, and that the genocide of the Lone Captain also would have drained their ocean and probably ended up killing them too as in the alternate universe scenario that Hujo witnessed. So it isn't necessarily a conscience. But I'm not saying yes or no at this point. :P

 

Creepy myth about the two arguing Kriitunga. I wonder if there's some truth to it - perhaps pulling on the energy pack destabilized it somehow, and literally drained their energy so they dried up. No matter how scientific an explanation might be, it's no less creepy!

^_^

 

Oh BTW, a bit of trivia about that tale -- it was actually referred to once by Krohlaba (I think in narration; his thoughts), in Endless Blue. Sorry for more reason to re-read lol (really this one wouldn't be worth re-reading just to find it, he just says that the Kriitunga of the Southern Watch once ignored the Question of Enemy Intent and it was bad).


Edited by bonesiii, Mar 23 2013 - 08:00 PM.

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#36 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 23 2013 - 11:49 PM

Chapter 17: 

 

Why Nijre? 

 

I know I won't get an answer for that one, but that is what came to mind immediately. :) 

 

It also seems that the Kuambu specifically have it in for Nijre specifically. And that Vaarukan doesn't care, or he's trying to taunt/test the Kuambu for some reason.

 

I'm not giving up on the idea that the prison is supposed to influence Nijre to do something. That's an implanted thought of yours, especially from the Eerie Chime thing. It seems like every time that Nijre makes a step toward exploring the domes/escaping, she hears that. That merits further analysis though - I think that surface is a cover for something else. 

 

I think also the Kopaka section was done really well - the strong analytic type with feelings of failure who is tempted, but in the end chooses to do what's right. What seems to be the best solution may not always be the best. I do hope that he acts on his plan later, though. 


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#37 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Mar 25 2013 - 10:47 AM

Chapter 16: More progress toward another action peak, it looks like. Enjoying the study breaks with your story very much! =)Chapter 17: Over a "hundred" centipedes. You did that on purpose, yes? :P

He assumed the devices were causing the blurring and apparently able to affect him even while he had time frozen.

If that's the case, then the Kuamor-compressing machine and the proxy backpacks may be so powerful that the power they compress actually becomes part of the laws of physics... That could explain why they're apparently unaffected by time. That implication alone is pretty potent.I'm with fishers64 on Nijire... She keeps getting singled out. That could be because she's so good at this, though, but she couldn't have gotten started if she had been imprisoned identically to the others.About the chime... What if, somehow, it's only in her head? Following the pattern fisher has identified suggests this, but it could just as well be a device designed FOR her, tracking her movements as a sort of automated corrector. Nijire's about to deviate from the path designed for her? Chime time!We'll find out soon enough. Great to see the Bohrok Kool forms arrive at last!

Edited by Takuta-Nui, Mar 26 2013 - 09:53 PM.

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#38 Online bonesiii

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Posted Mar 27 2013 - 12:50 AM

18. ^_^

 

I'll try to post the next two with little delay... for reasons. :P

 

 

 

History retelling is nearing end of Barraki's rule. I've also planned out a tentative, very-subject-to-change outline of all the chapters to come (from the canon events anyways).

 

I'm not giving up on the idea that the prison is supposed to influence Nijre to do something. That's an implanted thought of yours, especially from the Eerie Chime thing. It seems like every time that Nijre makes a step toward exploring the domes/escaping, she hears that. That merits further analysis though - I think that surface is a cover for something else.

All I can say for now is that the chime happens whenever one very specific thing happens. Whether that thing has been seen or not I can't reveal.


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#39 Offline Takuta-Nui

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Posted Mar 27 2013 - 05:29 PM

Chapter 18: And not delaying my reviews for similar reasons! This retelling epic of yours sounds like it would be a fun read, and perhaps perfect timing since I'm forgetting so much BIONICLE history.

 

It is also utterly remarkable that an entirely fictional universe can actually make this kind of dedicated history-writing possible. I don't think many outside of the LEGO community appreciate that BIONICLE's story has achieved a scale comparable to world such as The Edgeland Chronicles or even Tolkien's Ea.

 

Have you said when it should begin being posted?

 

(I forgot to mention in my previous post that Gahlok-Kal's magnetic attack on Ta-Koro was quite well-written with the physics of the situation. I would have felt just as horrible as Kopaka did, and it's worse because magnetism makes any BIONICLE being virtually helpless.)

 

Onto the chapter itself...

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Onua nodded, along with the rest of the Kriitunga, and Hujo and Bhukasa. [/color]There, I didn't need to speak.

 

“And I say,” Bhukasa added, “that as Captain, I'm in charge here.

You know what, this might go without saying, but... It seems like a really strong theme in this episode that the Toa Mata are very passive, and new characters such as Bhukasa and Hujo are highly active leaders. This really is a flip from the Cosmos (again, goes without saying)... but when I think about it, this trend is being established pretty strongly now that Paracosmos-only characters have been established. It might just seem extra-obvious now because of Onua's and Kopaka's struggles (and last episode, Lewa).

 

Almost as soon as we went in, the centipedes rushed back and in and tried to chase us.

One too many "and"s, I think.

 

It seems curious that Pahrak-Kal's transformation is taking so long. His blob-like transition is reminiscent of plasma, which is suiting, but each of the Kal experienced different types and speeds of transformation. Might be a clue.


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#40 Offline fishers64

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Posted Mar 27 2013 - 06:48 PM

I might as well follow suit. 

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;]Onua nodded, along with the rest of the Kriitunga, and Hujo and Bhukasa. [/color]There, I didn't need to speak.

 

“And I say,” Bhukasa added, “that as Captain, I'm in charge here.

You know what, this might go without saying, but... It seems like a really strong theme in this episode that the Toa Mata are very passive, and new characters such as Bhukasa and Hujo are highly active leaders. This really is a flip from the Cosmos (again, goes without saying)... but when I think about it, this trend is being established pretty strongly now that Paracosmos-only characters have been established. It might just seem extra-obvious now because of Onua's and Kopaka's struggles (and last episode, Lewa).

 

Yes, this also sticks out to me a good deal, especially in EB where they were emphasized so much. I think it's easier sometimes to emphasize characters that you invented because they share some qualities with yourself, and in some ways you emphasize your own qualities all the time without realizing it. (I'll spare you the list of qualities of myself I've drawn attention to in this post already. :P)

 

At the same time, I was going to talk about that quote anyway, mostly because it's another Bhukasa cameo (I know, I really should get off of that :lol:). We're not in his head this time about, and I am feeling very distant from him now. Hujo also - thinner feel, because he interacts more with the others, but still a distance.

 

But the other thing is that quote emphasizes Bhukasa's newfound confidence. He's giving orders and shutting down a debate with a seemingly lack of inner turmoil that marked the EB Bhukasa. I like seeing that. *waves "Positive character development!" sign*

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;]The crystal thought this was ironic. The others' distraction was freezing them in time, in a way. The crystal urged Onua to speak up.[/color]

Interesting. I also note that the others aren't thinking ahead. The only person who seems to be doing that is Nijre, oddly enough. That's starting to creep me out a bit - that character, in addition to mirroring me empirically, is starting to take on some of the thought processes I normally use,like the inventing of plans rapidly to adjust to the new situation at hand. (Creepy coincidence is creepy, approaching the level of nasty mind trick.)  

 

[color=rgb(40,40,40);font-family:helvetica, arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;]Once again she felt conflicted – relieved that what her plan had been intended for, removing him as a threat, had happened, but guilty – she hadn't wanted Ahku to fall to the enemy. She'd secretly hoped to perhaps give him a powerless mask, keep him contained in a prison, and talk him out of his evil ways, but she knew that was unrealistic.[/color]

And rather ironic, considering Nijre's current situation. Maybe Vaarukan/Kuambu are looking for a jailer - Vaarukan is tired of the prison-running business and wants a vacation? Or worse, trapped on the island and needs a replacement to escape himself? After all, someone skilled in escaping prisons would be the perfect architect of a prison. 

 

I'll stop rambling. 


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