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Belief(Memoirs of death)

Botar Memoirs of death

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#1 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Nov 25 2012 - 05:27 PM

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(Botar)

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Normally I don't write, but for this I want to make an exception. This is a record of the day I learned the three virtues actually existed.

 

A few years ago I went on a mission to bring some mad Toa of Psionics to the Pit for the murder of a few Matoran.

 

It was not a very special job, the Toa had already been taken out by a member of the Order, so the only thing I had to do was pick her up. But when I arrived, everything had gone wrong.

 

The Toa stood in the middle of the village, holding some kind of stone, and all around her lay some Matoran, along with the body of my fellow Order member.

 

As soon as she spotted me, I felt my mind being thorn apart. Normally an Order member would be protected against such sort of attacks, but this Toa was way stronger then any of her kind I'd ever seen before.

 

She broke the mental shield and I felt myself fainting. I'd completely lost and sense of time and space, and when I woke up I saw the Toa standing right in front of me. 

 

She spoke:

 

"I saw interesting things in your mind Botar. Now I know everything of your Organization, it's purpose, it's secret location and even it's leader. I will most likely sell this information to the highest payer, or just keep it for myself and overthrow that Toa Helryx and take control over the universe. Nothing can stop me now!"

 

Behind her I saw the Matoran awaken, they could have just fled to a nearby Koro and continued with their lives. But they didn't flee. Instead, I saw in their eyes that they were prepared to do anything to save the two Matoran who were lying next to me.

 

Some of them even fused their bodies and minds and became something i'd never seen before, others just grabbed some tools and prepared themselves to attack the Toa.

 

It was complete madness, a whole village was risking their lives to save two small Matoran and I wasn't able to do a thing.

 

The Toa, who had completely lost her sanity, observed the Matoran and struck them with a powerfull mental blast, the Matoran cried out in pain but even that could't stop those who were driven solely by unity.

 

My ally of the Order woke up too, and he was ready for revenge, as he walked towards her and tried to take her down with his sword.

 

But just when his sword was about to hit her, she dissapeared, and because I know teleportation, I hastly looked around to find her. A Matoran was first and shouted:

 

"There she is!"

 

I was too late, she had already summoned a incredible powerful bast of raw psionic energy , and when she unleached it everyone but me fell on the ground like puppets,and the Matoran separated.

 

She continued to use her power,determined to kill them all, starting with my ally.

 

I cannot allow this to happen I thought, it is my duty to protect... yes my duty. And thinking about this virtue, I got up and readied my power to teleport her to a place were she couldn't harm anybody.

 

I reached her and grabbed the mad Toa, but before I could teleport, she threw me off.

 

Her eyes spotted a ship at the horizon and she started to use her Kualsi to reach it.

 

Before I could do something, my ally got up saying: "You foolish Toa, this ends now!", and he slammed his sword in her body, exactly at the same time she teleported. 

 

Her upper body had successfully teleported to the boat but the rest had remained in place. She was dead, that was sure.

 

Suddenly my ally gasped and fell into my arms then he said:

 

"Don't worry my friend, it's my destiny to die here." Those were to be his last words.

 

His heartlight stopped glowing and he died. I teleported him to Daxia and would report what had happened. The Matoran's terrorised minds wouldn't be able to remember a thing, but they would live.

 

The stone was lost forever, dissappearing with the ship behind the horizon.

 

And I, I would return to work with more love for the for it then I had ever before. For as from then on I knew that the things, we fight for, truly exist. Unity, Duty, Destiny.

 

Word Count: 707Hope you guys all liked it, but please tell me if it's bad for as this is the first story I ever wrote in english.


Edited by Dual Matrix, Jan 12 2013 - 08:44 AM.

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#2 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Nov 30 2012 - 05:35 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

 

There are a number of capitalization and grammar issues, however, the main antagonist is an original character, which may not fit in the rules. I would PM bonesiii and ask him.

 

-TLhikan

 

 


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#3 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Nov 30 2012 - 05:41 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.  There are a number of capitalization and grammar issues, however, the main antagonist is an original character, which may not fit in the rules. I would PM bonesiii and ask him. -TLhikanP  

No not true she is a toa of psionics BS01 said the stone traveled from hand to hand, well then here is one of the keepers of the stone. She is death now i wrote.

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#4 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Dec 03 2012 - 01:10 PM

Fixed some grammar issues


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#5 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Dec 05 2012 - 01:26 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Capitalization stuff: 

 

Toa, the Pit, Matoran, and Koro should all be capitalized. 

 

 

 

Grammar stuff:

 

In general, I would advise skipping a line between each paragraph. 

 

 

Normally I don't write but for this I want to make an exception, this is a record of the day I learned the three virtues actually existed.

 

Comma after "write", "This...." should be a separate sentence.

 

 

 

 It was not a very special job, the toa was already taken out by a member of the Order so the only thing I had to do was pick him up.

 

"Was" should be "had already been", add a comma after "Order". The Toa should be female (her, not him).

 

 

 

But when I arrived all things went wrong, the toa stood in the middle of the village, holding some kind of stone, and all around her lied the bodies of some matoran and the member of the Order.

 

Comma after "arrived", "all things" should be "everything had gone". "The Toa..." should start a new sentence. "Lied" should be "lay". "... some matoran and the member of the Order." works better as "some Matoran, along with the body of the member of the Order."

 

 

 

As soon as she spotted me I felt my mind being thorn apart, normally an Order member would be protected agains such sort of attacks. But this toa was way stronger then any toa I'd ever seen before, she broke the shield and I felt myself fainting. I'd completly lost sence of time and space, but when I wake up I saw the toa standing right infront of me and she spoke

 

Comma after "me", "Normally an..." should start a new sentence, "but this..." should be made part of the preceding sentence (ad a comma after "attack), "She broke..." should start a new sentence. "Completely" and "sense" are misspelled. I think you need to put "any" in front of "sense". "Wake" should be "woke".  Remove "and", "She spoke should be its own sentence". The new paragraph needs to begin with the Toa's dialogue. 

 

 

 

 

" Interesting things I saw in your mind Botar, now I know everything of your orginasation, it's purpose, it's secret location and even it's leader. I will most likely sell this information to the highest payer or just keep it for myself and overtrow that toa Helryx and take control over the universe. Nothing can stop me now!.

 

 

This text doesn't need to be italicized. No space between the quotation ma

 

rk and "Interesting". "I saw" should come before "interesting". "Now" should begin a new sentence.  "Organization" is misspelled. Comma after "payer". "Overthrow" is misspelled. Remove the period after the exclamation point, add a quotation mark, and start a new paragraph.

 

 

 

Behind her I saw the matoran awaken, they could have just fled to a nearby koro and continued with their lives.

 

"They could have..." should start a new sentence. 

 

 

 

But they didn't flee, instaid I saw in their eyes that they were prepared to do anything to save the two matoran who were lying next to me.

 

"Instead" is misspelled and should start a new sentence, as well as be followed by a comma.

 

 

 

It was complete madness, a whole village was risking their lives to save two small matoran and I wasn't able to do a thing.

 

New paragraph with this sentence.

 

 

 

The toa remarked the matoran and struck them with a powerfull mental blast, the matoran yanked in pain but even that could't stop those who were driven solely by unity.

 

Neither "remarked" nor "yanked" are the right words here, you may be thinking of "observed" and "jerked", respectively. "The Matoran..." should start a new sentence. Comma after "pain".

 

 

 

My ally of the Order woke up too, and he was raidy for revenge as he walked towards her and tried to hit her with his sword together with the matoran.

 

"Ready" is misspelled."Together with the Matoran" is not needed in this sentence. 

 

 

 

But just when his sword was about to hit her she dissapeared, and for as I know teleportation I looked around to find her.

 

Comma after "her". Disappeared is misspelled. "For as" should be "because. Comma after "teleportation".

 

 

 

A matoran was first and shouted: "There she is!".

 

This should begin a new paragraph. "Was" should be "saw her". Remove the colon and the period.

 

 

 

It was too late she had already summoned a incredible powerfull psionical bast, and when she unleached it everyone but me fell on the ground like puppets,and the matoran separated.

 

Semicolon after late. "Powerful", "blast" and "unleashed" are misspelled. "Psionical" isn't a word, it should just be "psionic" or "mental".  The end part should be replaced with something like "The Matoran fusions were separated  (an independent sentence).  

 

 

 

She continued to use her power determined to kill them all, starting with my ally

 

Comma after "power".

 

 

 

 

 

"I can not allow this to happen I tought, it is my duty to protect..., Yes my duty."

 

 

 

This should begin a new paragraph. "Cannot" is one word (yes, English is confusing). Generally, authors use italics and not quotations to indicate someone thinking. Speaking of, "thought" is misspelled". No comma needed after "...", "yes" should not be capitalized. 

 

 

 

 And thinking about this virtue I got up and redied my power to give her a big hug.

 

Comma after "virtue". "Readied" is misspelled. And "big hug"? Really? :P

 

 

 

 

 I reached her and grabbed the mad toa, but before I could teleport she trow me off.

 

"Throw" is misspelled. 

 

 

 

Before I could do something my ally used his last powers and slammed his sword in her body

 

Comma after "something". "Last powers" doesn't make any sense. 

 

 

 

 

 Her upperbody had succesfully teleported to the boat but the rest had remained in his place.

 

"Upper body" is two words. "Successfully" is misspelled. "His" is unnecessary. 

 

 

 

 She was death that was sure

 

"Dead".

 

 

 

Suddenly my ally gasped and fell into my arms and said:" Don't worry my friend, it's my destiny to die here." this were to be his last words

 

 

Start a new paragraph here. Use only one "and" at a time (so, use a comma instead of the first one). See above about dialogue. "Those" not "this".

 

  

 

 

 The matoran, their terrorised minds wouldn't remember a thing, but they would live, the stone was lost forever dissapearing with the ship behind the horizon

 

"Their" is unnecessary, make "Matoran" possessive. "The stone..." should begin a new sentence. Comma after "forever". Disappearing is misspelled. 

 

 

And I, I would return to work with more drift then I did ever before.

 

  "More adrift then ever before" is grammatically correct, but I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. 

 

-TLhikan


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#6 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Dec 05 2012 - 03:03 PM

Think I've fixed all the errors.

 

 

 

You didn't like my Vezon quote.

 

Thank you you're the best :)


Edited by Dual Matrix, Dec 05 2012 - 03:05 PM.

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#7 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Dec 25 2012 - 09:16 PM

Sorry, but I can't approve this until you've changed or otherwise addressed all of the problems I highlighted above  :) .

 

-TLhikan


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#8 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Dec 26 2012 - 04:41 AM

Oh that's weird something must've happened give me an hour to fix it, thanks for looking into it...

 

Fixed the last issues you poined out.


Edited by Dual Matrix, Dec 26 2012 - 07:32 AM.

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#9 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Dec 26 2012 - 10:28 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

Couple of things that still need to be fixed:

 

 

 

 the murder of a few matoran.

 

 

 

 to save the two matoran who were lying next to me.

 

 

 

, observed the matoran and struck them with a powerfull mental blast,

 

 

Matoran should be capitalized. 

 

 

 

 prepared themselves to attack the toa.

 

Toa should be capitalized.

 

 

 

and he was raidy for

 

"Ready".

 

 

 

 

It was too late, she had already summoned a incredible powerful bast of raw psionic,

 

"Psionic" isn't a noun. Also, "blast" is missing it's "l".

 

 

There are a number of times when you start a new line in the middle of a sentence, but those should be easy to fix.

 

Fix those, and it should be good.

 

 

-TLhikan

 


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#10 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Dec 26 2012 - 10:53 AM

I'll edit  it but what noun should I use instead of Psionic?, I'm not that good in English sorry for the missed errors.

 

Fixed all the errors except the Psionic one, luckily I backed up my story because the editor deleted it.


Edited by Dual Matrix, Dec 26 2012 - 11:06 AM.

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#11 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Dec 26 2012 - 12:41 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

There are still several places where you start a new line in the middle of a sentence. Also, you wrote "gonewrong" in the first part. 

 

Use a word like "psionic energy".

 

-TLhikan


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#12 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Dec 26 2012 - 12:54 PM

Oh I see thanks for the Psionic energy tip, oh man I'm really bad at finding issues.

 

Think I fixed them al now.


Edited by Dual Matrix, Dec 26 2012 - 12:57 PM.

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#13 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Dec 28 2012 - 09:52 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: At least one inaccuracy or error has been found in your entry. After reading this judge post, you are authorized to edit your entry to fix these errors. After editing to fix these things, please post in the entry topic saying what you changed.

 

 

Just a couple more things and you should be good to go.  :)

 

 

 

 

Now I know everything of your orginazation

 

"Organization".

 

 

 

 

Behind her I saw the Matoran awaken, they could have just fled to a nearby Koro and continued with their lives. But they didn't flee. Instead, I saw in their eyes

that they were prepared to do anything to save the two Matoran who were lying next to me.

 

 

Spacing issue.

 

 

 

She was dead that was sure.

 

Comma after "dead".

 

-TLhikan


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#14 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Dec 29 2012 - 03:12 PM

Yup, did that, also I added my banner, thats ok isn't it?

 

Thanks for the juging of my story.


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#15 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Jan 12 2013 - 08:33 AM

Erhm, "Organization" is still misspelled. Also, "Interesting", from the same line, should not be capitalized. You can edit those. 

 

-TLhikan


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#16 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Jan 12 2013 - 08:44 AM

Erhm, "Organization" is still misspelled. Also, "Interesting", from the same line, should not be capitalized. You can edit those. 

 

-TLhikan

 

Oh sorry didn't notice the difference between the two, but now I do edited both.


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#17 Offline TLhikan

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Posted Jan 12 2013 - 11:40 AM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.


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"So I'm TL now?"
"Yeah, 'cuz if we said it the other way it'd have to be TLhiKHAAN!!"


#18 Offline fishers64

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Posted Nov 19 2013 - 12:40 PM

The following comes from an authorized Contest Judge: No inaccuracies or errors were found in your entry. Unless another judge or member finds a problem later, your entry is likely to go on to the polls.

 

I'm of the opinion that the original character is okay, seeing that she is dead now and is of no further consequence to the story. 


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#19 Online bonesiii

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Posted Jul 28 2014 - 12:16 AM

I'm calling this good to go for polls. Yes, the original character is fine. :)


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