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Ending

End of the world 15 minute writing Velox has socks in a box with a fox with some rocks

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#1 Offline Tekulo in the Green

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Posted Dec 22 2012 - 01:42 PM

     Did the world always seem this… grey?  Wasn’t there a time where everything was filled with brighter colors?  Yes, there was something… music, that’s what it was.  It always sounded so pretty.  I think it came from a box of sorts.  I know that sounds a bit silly, music coming from a box.  But yes, I’m certain that’s what it was.  There were also other things as well…  We called them… laughter... bliss… hope… rapture… sorrow… pain… deceit… lies…  Yes, those were the colors that had filled the world.       Now it was as if all of those colors had been absorbed.  It’s as if the artist’s brush had retracted everything and… well, that was just it; and what?  Wherever those colors were now, they most certainly were not here.  Everything seemed blank; lifeless and barren.  The universe itself was now a blank sheet of paper.  What was to become of such a form?  Would the artist paint anew, or would it be decided that painting was simply not worth the time and effort?       How did the world come to be like this?  A world that was filled with such colors; how could they all just vanish?  It was all here just a moment ago, wasn’t it?  There was… there was a noise…  Yes, it was called… a shriek?  Yes, the woman in front of me; what did I call her?  Mother was it?  She was the first to go.  I think I held onto something…  I thought… it was important…  It had something in it…  I just can’t remember.      Now the world filled with music, joy, wonder, suffering and pain is gone.  Now all that is left is me.  Am I the last to leave?  I close my eyes and I feel something.  It’s a key.  I turn it around and around then wait for the music to stop.

 

[color=rgb(0,100,0);]Whee another short story!  I always imagined this story being told from the perspective of a child who witnessed the end of the world.  Trying to hold on to memories as they slip away, they all wait for the music to stop.  I hope you enjoy![/color]


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#2 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Apr 16 2013 - 02:20 PM

Well, this was a fairly enjoyable story, altough it was a bit short. I'm usure if adding one other paragraph of those descriptions would help the story, or totally ruin its power by making it too long. Well as I said I found it a good story, good descriptions, what I like. Little dialogue or action though but yeah that wouldn't really fit with the theme and this story is better of without and you made that clearely unnnececairy by describing it so well. Well with nothing much left to say lets get to the nitpicking:

 

Did the world always seem this… grey?  Wasn’t there a time where everything was filled with brighter colors?  Yes, there was something… music, that’s what it was.  It always sounded so pretty.  I think it came from a box of sorts.  I know that sounds a bit silly, music coming from a box.  But yes, I’m certain that’s what it was.  There were also other things as well…  We called them… laughter... bliss… hope… rapture… sorrow… pain… deceit… lies…  Yes, those were the colors that had filled the world.

 I don't know but these things don't seem to be a childs tought, even during worlds end, maybe another word choise'd fit better, but in another way it adds into the destruction thought, if a child starts talking about "deceit and rapture " you know how bad it currently is with the world. 

     How did the world come to be like this?  A world that was filled with such colors; how could they all just vanish?  It was all here just a moment ago, wasn’t it?  There was… there was a noise…  Yes, it was called… a shriek?  Yes, the woman in front of me; what did I call her?  Mother was it?  She was the first to go.  I think I held onto something…  I thought… it was important…  It had something in it…  I just can’t remember. 

 

Again I'd think that isn't a real word of a Child, and this time it doesn't really add to the description, I'd replace it here, but that's my opinion.

 

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Ok this was a short and enjoyable story, not much faults/errors at all and the descriptions were good, I also appreciate the way you made me live into that child, even though it were just a few lines to get to know him. As one last thing I'd like to cogratulate the painting comparing, that was clearely the best part and made this story very good, it was good in all ways, good written, good described and fairly creative/well used in this situation.

 

Keep on writing...


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