Edited by Replicant, Apr 02 2013 - 04:24 PM.
Posted Mar 23 2013 - 05:55 PM
Posted Mar 31 2013 - 12:57 PM
Official Short Stories Critic's Club Review
I remember glancing across this before when I was looking at the entries for the SSCC contest. I'm a fan of little vignettes like these; I think they especially suite flash fiction. I liked that you went back to the natural beginning of the Bionicle canon. I liked some of the later years better, but there's nothing more iconic than the Toa Mata's canisters washing ashore.
You took a very difficult writing style here. A formal voice can have real impact if done right, but it tends to get bogged down in a lot of unnecessary words. The key here is the formal style is a matter of choosing what words to include, not how many. I think your fic would greatly benefit if you made the language a bit more economical. I'll just put up some examples, but you should really go over the whole thing.
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]An explosion of light, a shockwave of heat
, searingand pain that roared through bones and muscules alike, fire that coursed through the veins, and a dul l, drumbeat-esque throbof otherworldly pain resounding in your screaming, tormentedsoul, as it was ripped from your body and subjected to ablution in the cold, biting wind of athe realm of judgment and torment. [/font]
Mucules should be "muscles". This is a very long fragment. While I am not completely against fragments, they work best when they are short and sweet. I've crossed out some of the language that I thought was unnecessary. You will notice that most of the words I chose were adjectives. In general, you should never use an adjective unless you have to. Leave them out when verbs or nouns can convey the scene or emotion on their own.
I'm not sure how I feel about he second person used in this introduction. Maybe you could switch it to third person, like the rest of this fic?
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]The beach, with its cruel, cold waves that lapped incessantly at her unprotected form, an endless sea of crushed glass as she stared at it from her position on the white sand, eyes burning from contact with the saline crystals that surrounded her, crystals that attached to her shining armour and supple skin, unwilling to leave of be brushed off.[/font]
Here's another fragment that I think could easily be changed into a full sentence. (I like the metaphor of the sea of crushed glass; it's very evocative. The modified sentences(s) would look something like this.
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]From her position, she stared out at an endless sea of crushed glass, her eyes burning from contact with the saline crystals that surrounded her and clung to her armor and skin. She could not brush them off, and the cold waves lapped cruelly at her unprotected form.[/font]
Still contains a bit too many commas for my liking, but that's your style, not mine.
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]The pain stopped, subsiding instantly. [/font]
Should be "The pain subsided instantly." You don't need to say the same thing twice.
[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"]She had faint memories of things long past, but this unnatural, painfully shiny object
agreedmet withall of the criteria she could apply to judge an object to be the thing thatwhat had given her birth. [/font]
This is okay for the most part, but the ending is a little confusing.
Overall, I like how you insert the idea that originally coming ashore was very painful for the Toa Mata, but I feel you were to wrapped up in the method of telling and didn't let the beauty of the idea shine through. However, with some cleaning up and re-writing I think that this could truly be something amazing. Keep working on it.
Edited by Yukiko, Apr 18 2013 - 10:40 PM.
Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - Lucira - Morie - Akiyo - Yukie - Shuuan - Ilykaed
My bones are hollow, that's where I keep my marrow
This quiver in my lip, that's just where I keep my arrows.
Posted Mar 31 2013 - 07:05 PM
I agree this needs a lot of work, plenty of errors to solve and sentences to rework. Thanks for pointing out a few specific examples, it will certainly help when searching for other problems.
I have no excuse for this story's rushed form, I'm just glad you liked the idea behind it.
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