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Hydraxon's Demise


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#1 Offline CaptainLepidus

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Posted Apr 03 2013 - 04:16 PM

Hydraxon's Demise
 
[color=#ffffff;]****[/color]A broken, battered form lay stretched across a sharp rock. The ground shook violently, and the body struck against the rock again and again and again.
 
[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]The body belonged to Hydraxon. Two days previously, he had been all powerful; the ruler of his little world. His task was simple; he guarded the Pit. He cared nothing for its inhabitants. He knew with absolute certainty that they must never escape. He was the ultimate jailer, for he could not be bribed, nor threatened, nor pleaded with. He lived for one reason only.
 
[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]And now even that had been taken away from him, Takadox thought with a cruel smile. He stepped forward, a wild, almost Rahi-like grin stretching across his twisted face.
 
[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]"It's funny, this. I'm standing over you. It feels almost...wrong." He cocked his head, considering the idea. "No. No, actually, it feels great." He spun his daggers, watching them tear through the water. "I've been waiting for this moment for so long..." His eyes gleamed sickeningly. "You see, without that creep Maxilos, you're nothing."
 
[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]Hydraxon's eyes began to dim. "No you don't! Don't you dare!" Takadox grabbed his neck and pulled him close. "I. Didn't. Give. You. Permission. To. Die. Understand?" No response. "Looks like we'll have to do this quickly, then."
 
[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]With that, Takadox plunged both of his daggers into Hydraxon's shoulders. This elicited a small grunt from the former jailer. "Hah, you like that? Do you enjoy that?" He withdrew his daggers. "Try this." With four quick hacks, Hydraxon's limbs were floating away into the water. The guard moaned again. "Heh. Was that good?" He dropped one of his daggers and wielded the other with two hands. Slowly, deliberately, he pushed it through one of Hydraxon's rapidly darkening eye sockets. The damaged Pit guard no longer even had the strength to grunt. "You're going to die here, alone, and knowing that you failed your mission. Does that make you happy? Eh?" In a burst of rage, Takadox removed Hydraxon's other eye.
 
[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]Hydraxon's weakening brain was angry. So very angry. The prisoners must be jailed! The prisoners must be jailed! What was he doing, lying on the ground, waiting while - 
 
[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]"Goodbye, Hydraxon." Takadox's voice boomed in his audio receptors. NO! THE PRISONERS MUST BE JAILED! THE PRISONERS MUST BE THE PRISONERS MUST THE PRISONERS THE PRISONERS THE PRISONERS THE. And then the being known as Hydraxon was no more.
 
Apologies for the shortness. It's been a long time since I've been into Bionicle, but I felt like writing this very short story. Thoughts?

Edited by CaptainLepidus, Apr 03 2013 - 04:37 PM.

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Legacy of the Great Beings - Continuing the story of BIONICLE from where the serials left off.


#2 Offline fishers64

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Posted Apr 05 2013 - 12:34 AM

Very creepy story, almost bordering on over-the-top violence. You conveyed Takadox's dislike of Hydraxon and his creepy sinister attitude very well.

 

However:

 

[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]Hydraxon's weakening brain was angry. So very angry. The prisoners must be jailed! The prisoners must be jailed! What was he doing, lying on the ground, waiting while - 
 
[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]"Goodbye, Hydraxon." Takadox's voice boomed in his audio receptors. NO! THE PRISONERS MUST BE JAILED! THE PRISONERS MUST BE THE PRISONERS MUST THE PRISONERS THE PRISONERS THE PRISONERS THE. And then the being known as Hydraxon was no more.
 
[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif;font-size:14px;]This ending is too robotic. Hydraxon is a sapient thinking character, not a Bohrok. I think he would face his death with a little more resignation and/or determination, not a mindless attention to duty. I could imagine a Maxilos dying this way, but not Hydraxon. [/color][color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif;font-size:14px;] [/color]

 


Edited by fishers64, Apr 05 2013 - 12:35 AM.

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#3 Offline CaptainLepidus

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Posted Apr 05 2013 - 03:46 PM

Very creepy story, almost bordering on over-the-top violence. You conveyed Takadox's dislike of Hydraxon and his creepy sinister attitude very well.

 

However:

 

 

[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]Hydraxon's weakening brain was angry. So very angry. The prisoners must be jailed! The prisoners must be jailed! What was he doing, lying on the ground, waiting while - 
 
[color=rgb(255,255,255);]****[/color]"Goodbye, Hydraxon." Takadox's voice boomed in his audio receptors. NO! THE PRISONERS MUST BE JAILED! THE PRISONERS MUST BE THE PRISONERS MUST THE PRISONERS THE PRISONERS THE PRISONERS THE. And then the being known as Hydraxon was no more.
 
[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif;font-size:14px;]This ending is too robotic. Hydraxon is a sapient thinking character, not a Bohrok. I think he would face his death with a little more resignation and/or determination, not a mindless attention to duty. I could imagine a Maxilos dying this way, but not Hydraxon. [/color][color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif;font-size:14px;] [/color]

I imagine, though, that as his brain shuts down, he resorts to his most basic element; that of guarding the prisoners. Anything that makes Hydraxon special or sophisticated is gone by that point...he's just a mindless drone who has failed his duty for the last time...

Still, I wasn't entirely happy with the ending either. I'll see what I can do about it.

 

Thanks for the comments!


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Legacy of the Great Beings - Continuing the story of BIONICLE from where the serials left off.





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