Ladies, gentlemen and whatever the third group is, from the same engineers who built the Lhikevikk Cactus Factory and the Midnight Train to Nowhere, I present... the Leaning Tower of Pizza! Our finest dream yet!

The Leaning Tower of Pizza would be a 42-story-tall building, tilted at a four-degree angle and built mostly out of pizza boxes. The top of the tower is decorated by a statue of Joseph Ducreux, alternating every six months between his mocking pose and his yawning pose. Gargoyles ring the ledges of the tower, in the form of tuatara-headed eagles. From the forty-first floor protrudes a diving board for people to jump off of.

Enough about the top of the tower. How about the bottom?

The entrance begins with the lobby, where visitors are greeted by a somewhat glitchy animatronic clown. Outside lies a quicksand parking lot and a lemonade stand that sells only orange juice. The stand also has a half-empty (or, more positively speaking, half-full) glass of lemonade on the roof, designed for catching swimmers jumping off the aforementioned diving board.

Inside the tower, one finds himself with three choices: taking the elevator, climbing Staircase U or climbing Staircase V. The elevator is the fastest route, as it is powered by thermite rockets on the way up and free-falls on the way down. Staircase U is much longer and will take you absolutely nowhere (besides the brink of insanity) because a complex mechanical system moves the bottom flight of steps to the top and vice versa. The mechanical system is concealed from inside the staircase, leading to the sensation that the staircase is infinite. (The motion is also somewhat dizzying.) The only way to escape from this infinite staircase is to jump out of one of the two windows in the staircase (the real one, not the one painted on the wall) and into the quicksand, or, if you're lucky, into the glass of lemonade. But hey, at least the glass is half-full!

...

Right?

Staircase V is probably the nicest route, if you ignore the fact that it is infested with lobsters, and that the fire alarm and sprinkler system is constatly on, due to the fire alarm switch being superglued down. Oh, and by the way, because we use the old Roman alphabet you have no way of telling which staircase is which because the signs both read "Staircase V."

Now, you are probably thinking "What the heck is the purpose of this building?" Well, Floors 1-12 serve as a museum on the history of pizza. Floor 13 functions as a luxury hotel. Floors 14-28 serve as offices, Floors 29-33 are a documentary studio, Floors 34-39 contains various religious insitutions (churches, synagouges, mosques, shrines, temples, sports bars, etc.), Floor 40 has a gymnasium, Floor 41 has a spa and Floor 42 has an observation deck so tourists can ponder life, the universe and everything.

Despite assistance from Sumiki's Psychiatric Clinic and KK17's Lunatic Asylum, donations should help us complete the project. Please be a part of ths historic project. When it opens, everyone will be invited!

(Pidgeons are especially welcome.)