But none of them will work.

Boot into safe mode without networking and then run the anti-virus.

Okay thanks I'll try that.

... Oh geez; what happened over the last week, every virus in known history decided to show up? 0_o

This sounds close to what happened to me, though a little different than my case.

Also most pages redirect to nonesense.

Okay, that didn't happen to me, it just popped up a fake anti-virus scan. =P