I'd like to congratulate our amazing women for paving the way for the U.S. too win the gold in the Olympic tournament. We've literally never lost in this event, and it's amazing.
"Wait!" I can hear you say, "Isn't is Canada that's going on to the finals?"
Why yes, Jimmy. Canada indeed. A.K.A. America Junior. Canadians are like the Russians going under the Olympic banner; they're Americans who just use a different flag. Otherwise, they speak like Americans, shop in America, trade with America, go to American colleges, marry Americans, follow American politics more closely than their own, use knockoff American currency, watch American television shows, play football and follow the Super Bowl, and do everything else that the rest of us Americans do, just with maple leaves slapped onto everything. If Canada wins gold, America basically wins gold by proxy. We more or less let them win gold in order to let them feel good about themselves.
The important takeaway in all of this is that Russia couldn't score a single point against either of us. Take that!
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