Wise Guy -- Sample From My Screenwriting Class
This is just a quick story for my Screenwriting Workshop summer class -- everybody in class liked it, so I figured, "Why not have a blog entry AND homework done?" Inspired in part by the Hagar the Horrible comic strip.
It's written in the format for a screenplay (as close as BZP formatting can do), which might be a little jarring at first. Some tips -- "beat" means "slight pause", and the all caps either introduce a new character or are sound effects.
Enjoy!
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Wise Guy
Wise Guy
FADE IN:
EXT. MOUNTAINTOP – DAY
PILGRIM, young man, reaches the top of a mountain. Wise OLD MAN, short, long gray beard, thick gray clothing, cloth hood, sits atop mountain. Peak has a small plateau surrounded by a few pointy rocks on the edges. Small stone house behind old man on other side of plateau. Snow covers house, ground, and old man’s hood and shoulders. Sound of WIND WHISTLING through the rocks.
PILGRIM
Greetings, oh Wise Man! I have heard of your great wisdom, so I have traveled far to this mountain and struggled for days to reach the top to seek--
OLD MAN
Yeah, yeah. My nose can tell. Go away.
PILGRIM
Oh! I’m so sorry if I have offended you in my rush to beg your advice! Such is my great foolishness compared to your lofty wisdom!
OLD MAN
I know. Scram.
PILGRIM
Please sir, I will leave quickly once you give me advice. You see, there’s this girl—
OLD MAN
You know how many times some random pilgrim has said that? Everybody thinks they can come here and say “How?” and I jump up, salute, and say “That’s how!” like a slave. I’m SICK of it.
PILGRIM
But sir! Your wisdom is so great, and I have traveled so far to learn of it!
OLD MAN
Well that was stupid. You think I came up here to have company?
Pilgrim is silent, stunned look on face.
OLD MAN
Are you still here? Look, let me guess. You’re dating her, but she can’t stand your drinking problem, and you’re afraid to ask her to marry you.
PILGRIM
Why, yes sir! How did you know?
OLD MAN
Please. The nose, remember? Besides, look behind you. What do you see?
Pilgrim turns.
A line of OTHER PILGRIMS stretches for miles down the mountain, some coming, some going.
OLD MAN
Now do I have to spell it out, or do you have a brain?
PILGRIM
No sir. I mean, yes…
(beat)
What is your advice, great wise one?
OLD MAN
Marry the girl, quit drinking, work hard, invest in mountain climbing gear.
(beat)
Divorce the girl, start drinking again, retire, and write a book on why you shouldn’t invest in mountain climbing gear.
(beat)
Get rich. Then re-marry the girl, and keep drinking. Got it? Now go away.
PILGRIM
But sir! She doesn’t care about money. That’s what I love about her.
OLD MAN
Bah.
Old man tugs his beard.
OLD MAN
Well, that was my giveaway advice. If you want anything else, you must answer a riddle.
PILGRIM
I’ll try.
OLD MAN
Where can a hermit find peace?
Pilgrim looks deep in thought.
OLD MAN
And “on a distant mountain” is not an option…
PILGRIM
Well, I live in the city, and nobody ever asks me for advice. And I shave my beard.
Old man’s eyes widen. He lifts his beard up, stares at it.
OLD MAN
Oh. I guess I forgot to shave again.
Old man looks at pilgrim. Drops beard with a RUSTLING SOUND.
OLD MAN
Irony and paradox! The best place to avoid people is where the people already are. Brilliant! I say, young man, you are the wise one.
(beat)
You know, there really is no rum here. No beer, no wine. Would your girl, by chance, like a home with a scenic view?
Pilgrim slowly grins.
FADE OUT.
- 1
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