Dark Chapter Of My Life
Entry posted by Spoony Bard
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There are a lot of things that people don't know about me, and only a select few of people actually know me and the things I have been through. And I want to share my life's secrets.
The point of this entry is to confess the very thing that plagues my life: Depression. I have been suffering from depression since I was five years old. The cause has never been defined, since it can be a mix of things such as the car accident I was in when I was two, or repressed memories of my parents separation form when I was a baby, or perhaps it is genetic despite only a couple members of my family suffer from bipolar.
When I was growing up, I was not the "cool" kid of the group. I was always picked on by my brother and classmates. Because of this, I had a hard time socializing with anyone. I did not ever have friends until approx. ten years later. I simply hated my life because I was never accepted. I also had some anger problems which were caused from the damage I received from the car accident.
I started taking therapy and medication right around the time I was 14, and this was an on/off thing with me since I never liked therapy nor medication in the first place. I was never the guy to just open up and tell some guy what is on my mind so he can tell my parents later. And yes, I was thinking about killing myself as well, but I never followed through.
When I turned 16, I started getting my life straightened out, and it was a great change for me and my family noticed some differences. But deep down, I know I will never be rid of it, and I will never be happy with myself.
However my time of peace was at an end when I went to college in fall of 2005. In October, a good friend of mine was killed. And because my school was so overwhelming, my grades started to slip. I was in pieces. Anyone who saw me would say "Shilo, you look horrible, what happened?" I remember calling Black Six once and was like "I can't even do it".I was locked in the bathroom, broken down in tears (Yes I cry, who cares). My friends were trying to talk to me, and I just shooed them away.
When I returned to school next semester, I was a wreck and I was at the point of just ending it all. And I did. In the final week of January 2006, I attempted to kill myself and I went through the whole thing. I will not say how I did it, but I will say that if no one found me passed out on the floor, I wouldn't be here to this day. I was wheeled out of the dorm and was sent to the hospital immediately and then was sent to a hospital near my home overnight. For one week, I was on suicide watch in this psychiatric ward, until I was brought home by my parents. I was kicked out of school (boy was that a fun process). And to make things worse, another friend of mine who I held closely to my heart died as well. And to you BZPer's, you would know this is the first time I stepped down from the staff (Toaraga was my replacement). I only stepped down because I felt I needed some time to fix myself up, and Bionicle Rex told me to take all the time I need. You guys have no idea how nice he is, as is Black Six.
After going through a good year of therapy and medication, I was like "no more". I don't want a life on constant medication and therapy and people watching my back in case I grabbed a knife. I swore I will never do it, and it is a scary thing.
To those kids who want to assume they know everything about me, you don't. All you ever assumed was that I was a bad person just because of my position I held here on BZP. To those who like making fun of people, well I tell you this. Stop it. You can say it is a joke and to not be taken seriously, but you know what, there are those who are sensitive to things and you need to respect them, cuz otherwise you will be responsible for their next action in life.
-Omi
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