When LEGO started BIONICLE PART II, they designed a whole bunch of new characters who wore helmets rather than masks, and were supposed to be cooler than Jackie Chan and Chuck Norris combined. Needless to say, that worked awesomely well. (Not.) The members are:

, the new star of Bionicle. Now the green guy is the coolest. LEGO, make up your mind.

, the red guy. He got so mad at LEGO for making Gresh the coolest that he killed Greg Farshtey. LEGO had no choice but to exile him.

, the black guys, who are not only lame, but EVIL! RACISM, LEGO! RACISM RACISM RACISM RACISM!

, the brown guys. In revenge for Pohatu leaving BIONICLE, LEGO sucked the color out of the brown characters, and de-evolved them into complete animals. Animals who wear helmets. Yeeeeah.

, the blue guy. In 2008, It occurred to LEGO that there weren't exactly that many girls who played with BIONICLE, so they had all the blue characters undergo a sex-change. 'Cept Gali, who has not been seen since Tarix hit the shelves.

, the white guy, who has an axe that is apparently made of ice. Since he lives on a desert planet, this doesn't go so well.

: the other green guy. Has a venom spear, which LEGO decided, after much debate, was "perfectly safe for the toyline."

: the other blue girl. Yeah, LEGO changed their minds on the blue-girls issue. They apparently made a sexy mate for everyone to fight over.

: the other red guy. He supposedly has a crush on Mata Nui.

: the other white guy, who does nothing.

: the other black guy, who is just as dumb, but shorter. He also does nothing.

, the 'lord' of the Glatorian, and a dead white guy. This guy came up with some kind of big solution to problems somewhere way back when, but it's not like anybody cares. He might as well do nothing.

When LEGO started BIONICLE PART II, they turned the Matoran into the Agori. Yeah, that sucks. The members are:

, the blocker of the cool guy.

, the red guy. Raanu was nearly banished along with Malum when he throttled Greg Farshtey over the fact that he had two "A"s in his name, which made no sense whatsoever.

, the guy who was supposed to be a "Rock Agori," but the idea of having Rock Agori AND Bone Hunters was dumped, so they used him in the movie for Bone Hunters, instead of the REAL Bone Hunter, who had a Skrall helmet and no hands.

. Zesk nospeak. No talk. Leavealone, puny human.

, the scavenger, who goes around the desert trying to dig up some mummies or something.

, the moron who tops Strakk in stupidity by actually using a giant snowflake as a weapon. Hey, weren't the white guys supposed to be all super-smart?

Throwbots were the prototypes of BIONICLE, but of course, 99.99997% of the universe doesn't even remember them. Despite having numerous weapons and elemental powers, all they could really do was play frisbee. LEGO considered them failures after not increasing overall sales margins by 800%, and promptly dumped them. The few survivors are believed to be communists hiding in Siberia.

Robo Riders were the complete and utter failures that occured after throwbots. Barely improving on the throwbots, they had no elemental powers, apparent way to fight, or even some kind of story. The only power that they did have was the ability to shoot their front wheels at everyone rendering them immobile. Also dropped by LEGO due to no increase in sales, only the most extreme BIONICLE fans actually remember them.

The BIONICLE plotline is completely incomprehensible to the average human, to the point of being more incomprehensible than quantum physics. In fact, most believe it is actually written by the same people responsible for the last 20 minutes of Transformers, and the plot of Mission: Impossible. That has not stopped us from detailing it extensively here.

 

In the time before time, the island resort of Maui Nui was being overrun by evil mask-wearing beasts (or "Rahi." Honestly, LEGO). Anyway, six LEGO sets washed up on the beaches of the island. Inside were the elbow-less and knee-less Toa Mata, who proceeded to kick Rahi butt, fight evil clones of themselves, and sell more LEGO sets than ever before. "Helping" them were the Turaga Metru, who actually didn't help at all and spent most their time looking for their dentures.

 

Here, LEGO chose to introduce the Bohrok swarms. They were designed to have no feelings or thoughts whatsoever, so that it would be perfectly ethical for the Toa Mata to blast them out of their skulls. Towards the end of the year, the Exo-Toa and the Boxor, large robotic exoskeletons the Toa Mata and Matoran could command, were released, and were considered by many to be BIONICLE's most orginal sets ever.

 

LEGO also released the Toa Nuva, which they created by putting the Toa Mata in a microwave. (Note: In the story, replace "microwave" with "protodermis." No, we don't know what it is either.) They also received dual-action weapons, which they got from an infomercial deal that also threw in a free set of Kanohi Masks. Nuvanuvanuvanuva, LEGO. (No, we don't know what nuvanuvanuva is, either.)

 

LEGO decided they wanted to try being really unoriginal when 2003 rolled around, and thus were created: The Bohrok 2.0, or Bohrok-Kal. LEGO kept them out for a few months before it was discovered that angry BIONICLE fans were planning a rampage of Denmark. At this point, LEGO hastily brought out the Mask Of Time, which it used to destroy the Bohrok-Kal, and then put it back in the vault until 2004.

 

Then, LEGO decided to appease the fans by promising to release a direct-to-video BIONICLE movie. And when that didn't work, they promised to include the supposedly "legendary" Seventh Toa. Finally, they agreed to the fan's demands, and Makuta starred. At the end of the movie, Makuta was defeated (Oh crud, forgot the spoiler warning, sorry), and the Toa declared that Mata Nui would be awakened. So, fans thought, 2004 would feature Mata Nui himself. Right?

 

WRONG!!! LEGO could NOT awake Mata Nui, because that would end the BIONICLE saga. (Or so they thought.) Anyway, they cleverly decided to postpone Mata Nui's awakening. How? By making a PREQUEL, of course! After all, it worked for George Lucas! So, they ungeezerized the Toa Metru, and set the story in Nui York. And they made another direct-to-video movie! Yay!

 

This year is worshipped by nostalgic Lego fans who consider it to be the defining era of BIONICLE. Most people think this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but just remember: If you are cornered by a group of BIONICLE fans, under no circumstances should you say anything remotely demeaning about 2004. It provides the same death that you will receive from Star Wars geeks if you declare the original trilogy of Star Wars to be a waste of celluloid.

 

Delaying the awakening of Mata Nui another year, BIONICLE instead explored the Toa Metru further. To make BIONICLE more kid-friendly, Greg Farshtey chose to:

• Introduce evil monster spiders,

• Have the evil monster spiders wrap up the Toa Metru in cocoons and,

• Have the Toa Metru become disgusting, horrifying, ugly and endangered, mutants!

This went very well with parents, who immediately purchased 50 billion BIONICLE for their spoiled brat kids. And another direct-to-video was created, with a surprise ending in which Vakama turned to the Dark Side, took the name "Darth Makuta," and fought an epic duel with Matau that left him relying on a special protodermis suit to survive.

 

Fans were all set to see Mata Nui awakened, when SURPRISE, LEGO pulled

delay, and announced he was dying. The only thing that could save him was the Mask Of Prolonging Franchises' Life Spans, which a group of Matoran immediately set off to find.

 

Getting the mask was going to be a problem, because it was on the island known as New Jers-Whoops, we meant Voya Nui. Living here were the Piraka, who were way more gangster than anything ever to exist in BIONICLE. But the Matoran got struck by lightning, and morphed into the Toa Inika, which in the Matoran language, which they use English instead of, means "We're cooler than thou." And no one was prepared to challenge them on this because they had light-up swords, organic masks, and the All-American Rejects!!! MOVE ALONG!!!

 

As 2006 ended, fans were believed that Mata Nui would be awakened, and awakened NOW. They believed that LEGO would stop this ridiculous delay business NOW. They were complete MORONS.

 

Ha ha! Stupid BIONICLE fans! Don't you remember that according to the Magic LEGO Business Plan, Mata Nui can be awakened under NO circumstances?! Apparently not. Anyway, that's why LEGO reached down their great immortal hand, plucked the Mask Of Prolonging Franchises' Life Spans out of Matoro's Technic Connector 2 x 3 with Ball Socket, and dropped it into the ocean. There, it fell into the hands of the Soviet Union Communis... Whoops, never mind.

 

Anyway, it fell into the hands of the Barraki, whose name means "Piraka Ripoff" in Matoran. After a while, the Toa Inika finally got the hint, and donned weird breathing apparatuses, and became the Toa Mahri! or something. Then, Matoro took the mask, and while everyone else was cutting off Voya Nui's umbilical cord, he put it on. This allowed him to save Mata Nui once and for all. The fans cheered, for now Matoro had opened up the door for...

 

AMAZING! ASTOUNDING! Mata Nui was being awakened, and wow, was the fandom happy. They so busy speculating what Mata Nui would look like that they didn't even notice the story. In the story: The Toa Nuva return in snazzy jazz outfits, and creatures hailing from the Island of Dr. Moreau try to stop them. They fail, and the Toa Nuva managed to find a bunch of randomly-shaped rocks that they put in a soda machine. When it didn't give soda, the Toa Nuva searched for a cash-back tray, but couldn't find it. Finally, at the end of the year, it happened.

• The awakening of Mata Nui.

• The total victory of good.

• LEGO's business plan gone kaput.

 

NO! OF COURSE NOT! What are you, STUPID? LEGO rewrote the storyline, and 2008 ended the BIONICLE saga with:

•Makuta gaining control of the universe.

• The total victory of evil.

• LEGO's business plan back on track.

 

And geeks and fanboys everywhere wept like they hadn't wept since the whole Death-Of-Optimus-Prime fiasco back in the 80s. Not only that, but LEGO then proceeded to put Mata Nui's spirit in a mask, following which they blew that mask OUT OF THE FRICKIN' BIONICLE UNIVERSE!!! It was a tragic, tragic day. (Well, for BIONICLE geeks, anyways.)

 

The fans wondered what LEGO could do now to damage them, emotionally or physically. Then LEGO moved the whole BIONICLE brand to another planet. And it got worse. But by then, the fandom finally didn't care about BIONICLE anymore. They were to busy realizing that LEGO was never going to improve, and finally getting a life (or, in more extreme cases, attempting suicide).

 

Yeah, well, then LEGO decided to unleash Mata Nui, both in a set, and a direct-to-video movie. Fans stampeded back to their computers, toy stores, and comic book shops to discuss the new developments. They were hyped. They were excited. When the movie came out, it made so much money that LEGO...

 

Well, actually, LEGO didn't like the way BIONICLE was going. Because, when no one was looking, Greg Farshtey concluded the BIONICLE story with Mata Nui defeating Makuta, accomplishing everything he had been built for, and then telling the Toa and Matoran, who had been given a new home, that he was going off to smoke some powdered protodermis, or something like that.

 

So, it was at this point, Lego's CEO got a new idea. "Eureka!" he shouted. "We'll make some toys that look exactly like BIONICLE, but are called something completely different!" Everyone wondered what this meant. "Does that mean they'll at least have different colors?" an executive asked. "Well throw in a few new colors if you want, but keep the red one as the leader," the CEO grinned. "What about weapons? Should they have new weapons?" a designer questioned. "Nah, just make the old ones look a little different," the CEO said. "What about the story? Could we have a different type of conflict?" Greg Farshtey asked. The CEO just laughed. "I've got an idea. Just change Makuta's name to Von Nebula, and call the Toa 'Heroes.' That'll work fine."

 

So Hero Factory was created, and BIONICLE fans convinced themselves that it was just another chapter in the BIONICLE saga. (It really was, of course, but still they're getting a little desperate, wouldn't you say?) In fact, all the Hero Factory toys will be reviewed on BZPower, the major BIONICLE forum and news site. So, from here on out, just think of Hero Factory as BIONICLE.

 

"Hero Factory" is the story of the "Hero Factory," the "Heroes" it builds, and the bad guys they encounter when they're sent out on missions. The bad guy is Von Nebula, whose name means "Makuta ripoff" in some alien language. He is accompanied by XPlode, whose name means "Piraka/Glatorian Ripoff" in the same language. They and other villains face off against "Bulk," "Blaze," and "Breez," as well as "Stormer," "Stringer," and "Surge." Nice alliteration, Lego. This is almost as good as when you tried to make everyone buy the same mediocre Bohrok sets twice.