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Janus

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  1. Janus

    It wrecked me

    By Janus,

    If you're one of the few people who hasn't seen Wreck-it Ralph yet--I really can't encourage you enough. I went into it expecting an okay movie filled to the brim with geeky game references that I would enjoy.
     
    What I got was one of the few movies that can make me genuinely tear up. Multiple times.
     
    This movie has so much heart in it, you guys really need to go watch it.
  2. Janus

    Just Some Kid

    By Janus,

    FOR SCIENCE! 2.0 (4) 
    I'll be perfectly honest with all of you. I had absolutely no idea where I was going with this.
     
    The opening sentence "What can I say..." popped into my head and I began to write...from there the character just directed the story. I got a brief idea of what went on towards about halfway through, but even I was surprised at the way it turned out.
     
    Wordcount: 813
     
    Enjoy!
     

     
     

    Just some kid 
    What can I say about Frederick Rollen? He was a punk, a snot-faced little brat who made my life a living nightmare. Am I glad he’s dead? No, of course not; no sane human being would be. But am I glad he’s finally out of my hair? You’d better believe it.
     
    Fred first entered my life ten years ago, just as much a punk then as on the day he died. I remember the reaction I gave him, the first words I ever said to him…heh, I told him I had no money for bums. He laughed at that, can you believe it? He, some punk teen of seventeen in his torn jeans and stained jacket; with his dirty hair and greasy skin, he laughed.
     
    “Man, I ain’t here for your money,” he said, drawlingly, rubbing his dark hands on his torn jeans. “I’m new to the neighborhood. Name’s Fred.” And with that he extended his hand, his dark, grease-stained hand. Surely you can’t blame me for shutting the door in his face?
     
    But I still remember what happened next, I remember it with a clarity that surprises even me. I shut the door on that young man, but I watched him through the peephole…I rationalized this to myself by saying it was to make sure he didn’t become violent, but nevertheless I watched. For a moment the young man seemed taken aback by having the door slammed in his face, then a grin crept to his dark face and he turned his back, raising a hand in a half wave.
     
    I don’t know what it was about that motion, but it broke my heart. I still remember the unfamiliar pain, which even now remains as a dull ache. I still remember the fact that I turned away a young man who simply wanted to be accepted. Albeit he was a punk, and he certainly didn’t belong—but nevertheless a man of my upbringing was taught never to turn away someone.
     
    I suppose it should come as no surprise that after I led the charge, the rest of the neighborhood was also reluctant to accept this dark stranger; and one by one doors slammed in his face. Nevertheless, young Fred still smiled.
     
    He was a mechanic in those days, can you imagine? Someone on a mechanic’s salary living in our neighborhood? Preposterous! Or at least that’s what I and the others told ourselves. We told ourselves it wasn’t the young man that we had issue with, it wasn’t the colour of his skin, or his hair. It wasn’t even the fact that he was constantly covered in grime and filth…it was the fact that he was a mechanic. Even in those days our words sounded hollow, even to ourselves.
     
    Now admittedly, Fred wasn’t exactly a saint—nor did he earn many friends on our block. He had the frustrating habit of playing his music too loud…even in the late hours. He also scandalized the women of the neighborhood (and shamed their husbands) by frequently walking around sans shirt. Heh, I suppose it was a simpler time.
     
    He did his best to fit in, he really did. But try as he might he simply wasn’t one of us. He didn’t have our upbringing, our education—he just didn’t belong. He was a punk…a punk living like a king, but nothing more than a punk.
     
    It came as no surprise, really, when it happened.
     
    I can only suppose it happened over money…maybe women. I couldn’t really tell you. All I do know is that Fred had been working late at the shop when a group of hooded men entered and demanded something of him. Fred didn’t know what they were talking about, he tried to calm them down—but they wouldn’t be sated. He tried to run…but they caught up. Two held him tight as one of them administered a savage beating to him…
     
    It…it wasn’t supposed to end the way it did. They were supposed to scare him, to show him that he was a punk! That he didn’t belong!
     
    I know I said that I didn’t know what happened…but unfortunately I wasn’t being truthful. I saw it all. They beat Fred until he was close to losing consciousness and then turned to leave.
     
    Fred was stronger than they expected, more resistant. He struggled to his feet and grabbed a wrench. He charged towards his assailants, knocking two of them to the ground with the wrench…he wrestled with the third before finally being taken off balance and losing control of the wrench.
     
    He looked at me with pleading eyes as I raised the wrench.
     
    I’m….I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. He needed to understand, he needed to see that there was a difference between us…I never meant to kill him…He was just some punk. Just some kid.
     
    And I was a monster.
  4. Janus

    Lego Star Wars Ii

    By Janus,

    'lo all.
     
    I'm actually going to make the odd attempt to update this blasted thing every once in a while. Especially as I have set out my entries ahead of time. I'm actually working on a deadline or something, it's rather creepy.
     
    Now, first off, some things I neglected to mention about Gurumin:
     
    A. The little girl fights with a DRILL. Giant magic drill, it's fairly awesome. In addition to this, every strike you make levels up your drill, and there are up to three levels to achieve--however it's not a set thing, if you're hit too many times at any level, you will be forced back to an earlier level. This is easily tracked on the drill gauge.
     
    B. The attacks you learn are fabulous and awesome, in addition to the standard hilarious attacks (Pretty missile kick, etc) there are learnable attacks that you gain by purchasing drill upgrades--why are these so wonderful? Because they were made for the button masher. Lah and I button-mashed our way through more combos than ever before, but it was also very possible to learn the combos and execute them precisely. Plus there are elements for the drill, Fire parts, shock parts, and ice parts. It's a surprisingly customizable weapon.
     
    C. Unlike most other games, Healing is awesome. Rather than taking a med-pack, getting a band-aid, drinking medecine, etc...there are two different ways of healing in this game. The first is the heal point, which looks like a stone platform which suddenly engulfs you in light and has a circle of runes encircling you. It's surprisingly cool looking. Two...you eat, but you don't just eat boring foods, no, you eat COOKIES and CHOCOLATE and STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE (which Parin loves more than life itself) each of which restores a different amount of life. Of course the kid's also able to ingest GEMSTONES, which is slightly creepy..but hey!
     
    Now to the main reason of this entry...
     

     

    LEGO Star Wars: II 
    This game is also awesome, super-awesome even, it is basically TIED with Gurumin in levels of awesome--and I even have a slightly glitchy-slowish-annoying-at-times copy!
     
    LEGO Star Wars II is fairly obviously all 'bout Star Wars--but in this case it is the ORIGINAL Trilogy (Which I adore, ew, prequels) AKA episodes IV, V, and VI.
     
    The story naturally follows these three episodes, tying each together flawlessly. The central hub of this game is Mos Eisley Cantina, wherein you can go to various destinations. Listed here.
    The Bar - where you can receive hints, unlock extras, input codes, and buy extra characters (As well as check your overall progress and time.) It also autosaves for you here The Bacta tanks - where you can create your own terrible LEGO Monstrosity. I call mine Princess <3 The Outside - where you can look at your various spaceships and vehicles that you unlock. Wireless cafe - which is fairly obvious. Here's your WiFi area for multiple players The Episodes - At first only IV is available, but upon completing the first mission V and VI are unlocked, allowing you to play them in any order you want (I'm a purist, IV first!) Extras - a PSP exclusive where you can fight the bosses of Episodes I, II, and III (As well as unlock certain characters) But that's not all! If you're a character with a blaster, blow the stuffing out of the chairs in the Cantina and you'll receive studs--if you're a Sith or Jedi you can use your mumbo-jumbo on the lightymajigs and get more studs. (They're money, Puffin. Money, not men) 
    Gameplay is fairly simple, if somewhat disturbing in that you are an unholy ghost that posesses people's bodies--I'm semi serious. By pressing the triangle button a shock of blue light goes from one character to the other (If you only have two characters on screen) and suddenly you control the other. Kinda creepy o.o;
     
    Luckily the fun doesn't end there! (Because if it did, this would be one lame game) as there's so much unlockable content--the game can be 'beaten' and then it can be Mastered. Beating the level does litttle unless you can find the various things hidden within. For example, in every one of the 30(!) levels, there are 10 Mini-capsule kits and One power brick, discovering each of these is worth one gold brick (There are seemingly 150 in all) Additionally beating the level gets you another gold brick, attaining True Jedi status (IE: Getting a lot of money. Apparently all you have to do to be a Jedi is get lots and lots and lots of money. I'm down with that) gets you a fourth, and finally playing the level in the PSP-exclusive Challenger mode gets you a fifth. There are five gold bricks in each level.
     
    Naturally it would be too easy for you to only have to play through once to hit all the Mini-capsules, so the creators made it a wee more difficult--and fun. Once you've played through the story mode you unlock freeplay, in which you can choose which character you play as (7 or so additional characters will be randomly assigned in order to give you the best range of abilities) Which is incredibly fun, especially as each character is unique. For example: Captain Antilles does a strange little dance before removing his blaster, Princess Leia seems to enjoy slapping people a bit too much, and Imperial forces cannot double-jump--instead they fall flat on their face.
     
    Certain areas are only accessible to certain members, for example some doors are locked by a Stormtrooper only camera, whereas some areas are available through certain abilities that you must discover, IE: Blowing up everything with thermal detonators until something finally explodes.
     
    IN ADDITION TO THIS (Kind of scary that there's more, isn't it?) There are also vehicular levels--and vehicular levels with Freeplay, where you can play with the various ships and transports you unlock.--which is a lot--and getting all those Golden bricks let you build something else.
     
    But wait, there's more! (It just goes on and on, doesn't it?) Each of the Power-bricks allows you unlock special abilities, for example I have thus far unlocked: Super blasters, (It's in the name, blow things up!) Super Lightsabers, (They turn purple and go scary powerful) Invincibility (You don't die from shots, or lose studs when you plummet off an edge), and Self-detonation (I'm fairly sure I don't want to use that one...yet)
     
    As for the characters? Oh there's just a few, only around ONE-HUNDRED AND TWENTY to unlock. Additonally, for every character you unlock you gain more pieces for your Bacta-horror.
     
    And then you finally get to the levels, the levels just plain rock, each is tricky and interesting and undeniably Star Wars--with LEGO humor thrown in, such as hot-tubbing Stormtroopers (Playable character, by the way!) And Darth Vader popping minifig heads off, rather than choking.
     
    My personal favourite is the fact that there is not ONE utterance of dialogue throughout this game so you get to watch LEGO Star Wars characters act crazy with only facial expressions and the occasional grunt or groan--or unintenilligble mutter.
     
    Overall, once again, BUY THIS GAME. It rules the PSP.
     
    My only complaint is that, unlike Gurumin, LEGO Star Wars II is not a fan of you turning the system off in midplay to conserve battery power, and goes through a laboriously long boot-up phase.
     
    Coming up next: The Claidi Journals
    Why my Room is a nightmare
    On the current state of BIONICLE.
  5. Janus
    (17)
     
    AGH.
     
     
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.
     
    THIS STORY WOULD NOT END. I seriously tried. I tried, I wanted to end it around 1,000 words.
     
    BUT IT WOULDN'T LET ME WHY WOULDN'T IT EEEEEEEEEEEND?
     
    Read. Please read. AGH.
     
    *Brainsplode*
     
    Word count: 3,017
     
    Enjoy!
     

     

    Let's do the Time Warp again! 
     
    Blazing heat emanated all around the dry dunes of Po-Koro, and amidst this heat the Toa Nuva, brave heroes that they were, slogged onward. All about them there was only desolate desert, the only hope for some revitalizing shade being the distant canyons and mountains that ringed about the arid wasteland. It was towards those canyons that the Toa made their way, their eyes set grim and their weapons slung like weights across their backs.
     
    Pohatu led them across the blazing sands, and he was the first to break the heavy silence that had fallen across the group.
    “We really have to do this again?” He muttered grimly.
    “Unfortunately” Tahu grunted, wiping a bead of moisture from his mask.
    “Couldn’t we at least have the Matoran carry us? I mean, we are Toa!” Lewa chirped in
    “Nuva” Kopaka added curtly
    “What he said.” Onua began, always quick to ensure proper word usage amongst the Toa. “Well…that, and the fact that the Matoran are all living in Metru Nui, so there’s nobody here.”
     
    “Oh Yeah” Pohatu and Lewa both chorused.
    “As for why they didn’t put this thing down in Metru-Nui…” Gali murmured.
    “Budget!” All the Toa yelled synonymously.
     
    When at last they had made it to the inviting shade of one of the canyons the Toa allowed themselves to relax, depositing their weapons into one of the conveniently placed “Tool” storage bins. Then they all got ready for their least favourite experience. Before them, in the shadows of the canyon stood a newly erected Theatre, this time easily four times the size of the last.
    “Think they’re compensating for something?” Lewa snickered upon seeing the massive tower.
    “Yes.” Kopaka muttered, the rest of the Toa Nuva simply chose to ignore the two of them.
    “Well, may as well just get this over with...” Tahu muttered, striding toward the massive stone structure.
     
    Suddenly he halted mid-step and put up his fists, shouting “Toa! Get ready!” and each Toa in turn began powering up their elemental powers, temporarily devoid of their weapons.
    “Stupid bins!” Lewa was heard to shout as he saw the danger that now faced the Toa…a danger that seemed rather…uninterested.
    “Hmmm? Oh. Hello Toa.” Came a dark and gravelly voice
    “Nuva” Onua corrected.
    “Yes, yes. Toa Nuva. Whatever” The Master of Shadows said offhandedly, waving an armored hand.
    “Makuta! Enemy of the Matoran and Toa everywhere, how dare you come to invade our former home!” Tahu shouted, raising a flaming fist toward the imposing figure.
     
    Makuta frowned and checked what appeared to be a watch on his wrist. Then he looked nervously toward the sky, one of his heavily armored feet tapping the ground in an odd tattoo. He appeared to not even notice Tahu’s challenge.
    “Um?” Pohatu responded, finding it very difficult to look imposing in the face of Makuta’s utter indifference.
    “Makuta?” Gali questioned, allowing her elemental energy to fade and walking toward the armored colossus.
    “Hmm? Oh, what do you want Toa?”
    “Nuva.” Onua interjected helpfully.
    “Whatever!” Makuta snapped.
    “I trust that you are not here to deny us entry, or otherwise impede in our mission in any way?” The Toa of water said soothingly. The Master of Shadows simply sighed, his entire body slumping forward.
    “Indeed no, Toa Nuva. I am not here to be your enemy…in fact I do believe we have both been called here for the same reason.”
     
    Tahu’s eyes became wide.
    “You can’t mean that you’re going to be in the storyline again! You’re so…so….”
    “Dangerous? Menacing? Cruel? Wicked? Villainous?” Makuta inserted, hopefully.
    “..Overdone.” Tahu finally finished.
    “Yes. Well...” Makuta faltered and fell silent.
    “Um…shall we head inside?” Lewa spoke, indicating the enormous building and its now-open doors.
     
    Makuta said nothing and lumbered off toward the shadowed building, and after a choice
    “Awwwwwwkward.” By Pohatu, the Toa set off behind him. They’d almost made it to the towering theatre when they heard a cheerful voice shout out:
    “Master!” In response to this Makuta mumbled something vaguely threatening…but incomprehensible to the Toa. Luckily enough the cheerful voice was more than loud enough for everyone to hear.
    “But master! This is just a temp-job! Something to help me get back on my feet, I’ll be back to scheming with you in no time!” Makuta simply growled at these words and stormed inside.
     
    “Um, guys?” Lewa whispered “Isn’t that the guy who worked at the theatre last time?”
    And indeed, the black Rau’d Matoran who had staffed the ticket booth previously was sitting atop a luxurious looking stool directly outside the doors of the new building.
    “Oh. Hi, Toa.” He said with a nervous grin.
    “Nuva.” Onua muttered.
    “Right, right. Hi, Toa Nuva! Welcome to the theatre, how are you today?” The Matoran spoke incredibly rapidly, getting more and more flustered by the second.
    “You work for Makuta?” Kopaka asked, his voice like ice.
    “…Yes.” The Matoran replied truthfully, lowering his head in shame.
    “What’s the pay like?” Kopaka said, after a moment of consideration.
    “Well…I get to live!” The Matoran responded.
    “Not worth it.” Pohatu said with a frown as he passed through the doors. The Matoran simply shrugged his shoulders.
    “I also get to control Rahi and wear this totally awesome mask!”
     
    The Toa Nuva gave no response, simply ignoring the diminutive Matoran and walking into the well-lit hallway of the theatre. They promptly blanched as they saw Makuta, Master of Shadows…attempting to hide behind a garbage can.
    “Um?” Lewa said, dumbfounded.
    “Makuta?” Gali said gently, holding her hand out to the massive figure.
    “It’s light in here. I hate light” Makuta said simply. Then, with a strong blush evident on his mask he stood up and walked through the door into the theatre proper—leaving a large Makuta-sized hole in the wall. The Toa Nuva followed him wordlessly.
     
    Once inside (and once the Black Rau’d Matoran had been summoned to fix the gaping hole in the wall) they quickly found seats…as far away from the Master of Shadows as was possible.
     
    Unfortunately for all involved, they had all arrived horrendously early and had nothing to do to kill time. This of course led to conversation.
    “So…Makuta…what brings you here?” Tahu managed to force out, maintaining a large, fake, smile on his face the entire time.
    “Oh.” Makuta responded simply. “Apparently they’ve decided that one Makuta isn’t good enough, so it’s no-longer just my name, but the name of an entire SPECIES.”
    “Ohgod” Lewa squeaked, hiding half of his mask behind the stone backing of another chair.
    “Yes, that’s the response I would expect,” Makuta said haughtily. “however I simply don’t like it! One: It takes away from my individuality…after all, they’re all going to be just as powerful as I am!”
    “Mata-Nui…” Onua whispered, before joining Lewa in cowering behind his chair.
    “And Two: The only way they can get a sufficient amount of Makuta into the story is to make them canister sets! So there’s going to be six incredibly powerful Makuta (who aren’t me!) running around, while looking about as strong as you Toa!”
    “…” Kopaka said nothing, simply choosing to duck out of sight at that time.
     
    Thankfully, before any more Toa could be petrified, the speakers and screen activated and that horribly annoying voice once again assaulted the Toa’s ears.
    “Well hey there Toa! (and Makuta)”
    “Nuva” Onua popped up quickly, before retreating behind his seat.
    “We’ve got a fabulous show for you tonight! In fact we’re going quite a bit ahead in this one, this is Circa 2008, the “Final Battle” we like to call it. It sounds really dramatic, don’t you think??”
    “Desperate is more like it…” Tahu muttered, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair.
    “Anyhow, without spoiling too much, it’s about The Toa Nuva’s face off with Makuta’s evil army of Makuta…wow that sounded confusing! Either way, it’s a desperate race for a Mask that none of you know about yet! And also there’s flying ships with tons of guns! Man are the kids going to love it!”
    “Please, please, please tell me they’re kidding.” Gali murmured, all idealism lost.
    “They weren’t kidding about chainsaws, why would they kid about this?” Onua muttered darkly, finally having returned to his seat.
     
    “Oh, one more note!” the announcer said cheerfully, his face filling the screen. “Due to….the creative process taking longer than it should. We’re only going to be able to show you three of each team: Makuta and Toa Nuva. We’ll call you back when they’re all finished!” Almost immediately as he finished speaking, the Toa Nuva looked at each other and then began fervent prayers that they wouldn’t be one of the three shown.
    “Anyhow, on with the show!” the announcer cried, and the screen faded to black as drums and guitar riffs kicked in.
     
    The Toa Nuva were not so easily tricked this time, not even one of them moving an inch as the music played. The Master of Shadows, however, seemed helpless to the thrall of the music…Even playing Air Guitar at one point.
    “Dude.” Was Lewa’s only response.
     
    Suddenly the screen lit up and text scrolled rapidly, explaining that the song currently playing was “Gravity Hurts” and that while it would be available for download in 2008—all of those in the theatre could purchase an advance copy for only $19.95! The Toa simply stared. Makuta bought five.
     
    The music continued to play, but now a short video was playing, showing figures flying through a dimly lit sky amidst massive stalagmites. When it ended (with the words BIONICLE 2008 – THE FINAL BATTLE) the true show began.
     
    A bright orange and grey figure appeared helicopter through the area, holding up massive claws that split into propellers and aiming an incredibly large cannon. On his face there was some sort of blue bubble and….
    “The Mask of time!?” Tahu gasped, incredulous.
    “Pohatu Nuva – Adaptive Armor” The screen stated, explaining that his armaments consisted of a “Midak Skyblaster” Twin Propellers (that double as drills) and the Kakama Nuva.
    “What.” Pohatu said dumbly, looking at the screen, then removing his mask and comparing the two with a quizzical look on his face.
    “How is that not the Vahi?” Tahu grunted. “That is totally the Vahi.”
    “I agree, Toa” Makuta responded, suddenly sitting right beside the rest of the Nuva.
    “Why are you orange?” Gali asked.
    “I….I don’t know!” was Pohatu’s only response.
    “Could be worse?” Lewa chirped in helpfully.
    “Mata-Nui…next!” Onua shouted.
     
    The screen flashed with thunder as a sinister looking red and black creature flew down, its clawed feet landing on the rough stone beneath. It was a lanky looking thing, with large bladed wings and vicious looking swords in its hands. Its chest seemed to be a glowing, pulsing orb, and on its face was a brutal looking mask unlike the Toa had ever seen.
    “Makuta Antroz” the screen explained. Listing his armaments as a “Tridax Pod” the Kanohi Jutlin, and poisonous fangs and claws.
    Both Toa and Makuta alike stared, mouths agape.
    “Scary mask.” Kopaka muttered, crossing his arms.
    “Why are my soldiers anorexic?” Makuta said with a frown. “What’s wrong with having a villain with some meat on his bones?”
    “There, there…” Gali said, patting Makuta on one of his massive shoulders.
    “Anyone really afraid of running into this guy?” Tahu asked
    “Nah!” The rest of the Toa responded. Makuta began to cry.
    “Next!” Lewa cried.
     
    The screen lightened considerably and a powerful thrumming noise could be heard as a grey and lime green figure streaked across the screen three times before gingerly landing. The figure was tall and imposing with a single jagged blade and large get engines strapped to his arms. On his face there was bright green Kanohi with jet-intakes in the sides.
     
    “Lessovikk?” Gali murmured. “Oh wait, I’m not supposed to know who he is. Carry on!” she said quickly, ignoring the strange looks the rest of the theatre was giving her.
    “Lewa Nuva – Adaptive Armor” The screen said, showing his equipment consist of a “Midak Skyblaster” the Air Saber, and of course the Miru Nuva.
    “It’s not as ugly as my current one!” Lewa cried happily, looking at the mask.
    “What is with those giant cannon things?” Onua muttered darkly.
    “Why do you only have one sword?” Kopaka asked slowly.
    “I’m not entirely sure. I’m also not sure where my WINGS are and why I have JETPACKS. But my mask is less ugly and that’s all I care about!” Lewa cried, looking about wildly.
    “But it still looks nothing like your original Miru…or your Miru Nuva.” Pohatu said carefully.
    “LESS. UGLY.” was Lewa’s only response. Tahu sighed.
    “Next!”
     
    Everything went dark and only a silhouette with piercing yellow eyes could be made out. Gradually as the light returned to the screen it could be seen that the figure was entirely black and silver, with cruel looking blades for hands and large batlike wings. Adorning its face was a vaguely skull-like Kanohi, and like the creature before it, its chest pulsed with an eerie orange light.
    “Makuta Chirox” The screen listed, showing his accessories to be a “Tridax Pod” a pair of Hook Blades, and the Kanohi Shelek.
     
    Makuta screamed. “Oh come on! You can see his ribs! Why are all of my soldiers so blasted skinny!?”
    “You don’t feed them?” Pohatu said with a shrug.
    “Of course I don’t!” Makuta trilled. “Do I look like a mother to you? But I do make sure that they eat four square meals a day—otherwise how can I expect them to kill you accursed Toa?”
    “Fair enough point.” Kopaka said offhandedly.
    “Still, those blades look pretty scary!” Gali said in a desperate bid to pull Makuta from his funk. Of course Onua didn’t exactly help matters when he finally spoke.
    “…So far they look like I could break them in half. Without using my Pakari.”
    in response Gali shot him a glare so venomous that even Maktua winced. Scrambling away from Gali Ground Zero, Pohatu shouted
    “Neeeext!”
     
    Light flooded into the room as the screen displayed a dark grey and white warrior effortlessly cruising through the air. With a slight spin and a loop-de-loop the warrior landed, folding large wings behind his back. He was holding an enormous cannon like the Toa before him, but this time it was two-handed with a tiny blade peeking out from the front. His mask was entirely white and resembled a cross between the great Ruru and the Kanohi Akaku.
     
    Kopaka looked up in abject horror, his mouth constantly moving but no words coming out. Then at last the inevitably happened and the words appeared.
    “Kopaka Nuva – Adaptive Armor” showing his equipment to be a “Midak Skyblaster” a Blizzard Blade, and the (There was a howl of agony from the audience) Akaku Nuva.
    “THEY GOT IT ON THE WRONG SIDE!” Kopaka shrieked, his normally cool exterior gone.
    “I could live with the butterknife. I could even live with the lack of a shield…but HOW in the name of MATA-NUI did they get my SCOPE on the WRONG SIDE?” Throughout Kopaka’s entire outburst, Makuta stayed oddly silent…then began whistling and twiddling his thumbs. Kopaka whirled on the Master of Shadows, his eyes ablaze.
    “This is your fault. Your entire existence will be agony so long as you live.” He said coolly, and then seated himself. The Toa simply sat there with stunned looks on their faces.
    “All in favour of never ticking Kopaka off…ever?” Lewa said meekly. Both the Toa and Makuta alike raised their hands in utter silence.
    “NEXT!” Kopaka growled, his eyes never leaving Makuta’s.
     
    The screen flashed with lightning as a dark, bat-like shape prowled through the air, at last coming to rest upside down. From their vantage point the Toa could see that the figure was almost entirely dark blue and silver with a blunt, vicious looking mask and baleful eyes. They could also see that unlike the other Makuta before it, it was not humanoid: With large looks for hands and wings sprouting directly from its arms…not to mention diminutive feet and legs, it resembled nothing more than an enormous bat.
     
    “Makuta Vamprah” the screen declared, explaining that his armaments consisted entirely of a “Tridax Pod” razor sharp wings and claws, and the Kanohi Avsa.
     
    “Now my soldiers don’t even have legs?” Makuta said blankly, his eyes wide. “What had I done so wrong?”
    “Try and conquer Mata-Nui and kill us, maybe?” Pohatu responded glibly, ignoring the vicious glare that Makuta sent his way. “It was just a thought” he said with a shrug.
    “Maybe it helps him fly better” Gali said soothingly, gingerly patting the armored colossus’ arm.
    “And that’s another thing!” Makuta said suddenly. “Why are there no girls in my army? I am an equal opportunity employer!”
    “Yeah, we know.” Tahu said darkly. “We heard all about Roodaka, thanks.” At his words the entire room shuddered violently, remembering all the trouble that Roodaka had caused with her blatantly female form.
    “I think even I could break this one in two” Lewa said cheerfully, glancing at the screen. Makuta gave out a wail.
     
    “Well that’s all there is to show, folks. We hope you enjoyed this preview! Remember, these aren’t final—after all, the focus groups haven’t gotten their chance yet! We’ll call you back in a few months to show you the finalized versions—and the rest of the lineup for the FINAL BATTLE. DUHN DUHN DUHN DUUUUUUHN.”
     
    The entire theatre blanched.
    “Did he really just do that?” Pohatu asked, wincing.
    “Yes, yes he did.” Gali responded with a sigh.
    “Let us leave and never again return?” Onua questioned hopefully.
    “Contract doesn’t allow it.” Makuta responded darkly, stalking out of the theatre.
    “May next month never come…” Tahu said grimly.
     
    Together the Toa and Makuta walked from the theatre, ignoring the shrill cries of the Black Rau’d Matoran and picking up their various weapons. They half-heartedly swore to defeat each other, but both sides could tell that their hearts weren’t in it. Everyone was too preoccupied with thinking of what horrors yet lay in store.
     
    If they only knew…
  6. Janus

    Let's Guruguru~

    By Janus,

    Okay guys, so I've been dead, I've been really, really, really dead.
     
    Like, zombified even.
     
    But I'm back now, I'm unsure who cares, but I'm kindasortamaybeprobablynot back.
     
    And now that my preamble is out of the way, let's head into the main entry.
     

     

    GURUMIN: A MONSTROUS ADVENTURE 
    Now, no doubt somebody will accuse me of not using the proper title, as the subtitle of "A monstrous adventure" wasn't on the original PC version of Gurumin--but I don't care, I played the PSP version first, and I ADORE IT.
     
    So here's the basic story. You play as a young girl, a young adorable girl (with a good voice actor!), who is smart and sarcastic and funny. You go into the world of MONSTERS where everything, EVERYTHING is cute. I'm serious, I couldn't bring myself to attack my enemies at first because they're so friggin' adorable.
     
    Over time you discover more monsters, as well as fight the 'big four' villains. I'll take some time to describe them now.
     

    Puku: He has leaves on his head. LEAVES. ON HIS HEAD. He also has a good voice actor and I love him.
     

    Pino: She has a flower on her head. So last month. Also, annoying voice actor at times, still can't help but love her, though.
     

    Pierre: He's a french monster, okay? He's awesome, so very awesome. He's purple, and has a hat, and a dove underneath his hat, and he's so very awesome. <3 Gentlemonster <3
     

    Poco: Blueboy can't dance. At all. Fairly good Voice actor, but nothing to write home about.
     

    Motoro: Big cat monster who runs away so much, he's adorable as heck--and his deep voice just makes him hilarious.
     

    Rocko: He's got a bad case of erosion, it makes me laugh. His voice is fairly okay, and very funny at times.
     

    Chucky: He's the youngest, and wants to be a grown up. He usually fails in his regard, he's adorable, though.
     

    Doug & Digby: The mole brothers. One's a miner, the other's a rockstar--a half-blind directionally impaired rockstar. Oh man, I love these moles.
     

    Pecky: He's creepy and weird. Look at him. LOOK AT HIM. We never hear him talk, I'm thankful.
     

    Doc: He's awesome, he really, really is. He's also bubblegum pink <3
     

    Parin: The girl you play as, she has all sorts of different headgear and outfits. She rocks so much.
     
    And now for the VILLAINS (Sidenote: I was able to procure far better pictures of the big four than I was of anyone else. Oh the irony)
     
    Now the villains in this game are known as Phantoms, another breed of monster that's been invading for some unknown reason, these are the four servants (Technically five) who serve their mysterious leader.
     

    Bob: He's a musclehouse boxer who's not really that smart, I mean, really, not that smart. He speaks slowly in general aside from the word "Armor!"
     

    Mosby: Mosby owns one third of my soul, Mosby is incredibly awesome, ONE: Because he's a moth, TWO: Because he's adorable, THREE: Because nobody can understand a word that comes out of his mouth. NOT ONE.
     

    Roger: He's purple, he's a fish, he likes diamond rings and is rather...effeminate at times. He also seems to like the Prince more than he should. Put it together and you'll understand why Roger owns the second third of my soul.
     

    Cream: She's so cute. SO CUTE. She talks with a valley girl accent, but nevertheless you can't help but fall in love with her. She also competes with Roger for the prince's affections, and seems geniunely worried about what's going on. She's also pink, and owns the third third of my soul.
     

    Giga & The Prince: Giga is the big one, he doesn't say anything except his own name, and is apparently just a big scary floating monster killing thing. The prince on the otherhand is downright awesome, he uses weapons from hypodermic needles to fans to butcher knives. He's just plain cool, and his voice is fairly good too.
     
    Nowwww that the characters are all out of the way. Setting:
     
    Monster world: All of the levels have funny names, such as "Spinach Caverns", "Eggplant Caves", "Mile Palace", etc. They're fun.
     
    Finally, the objective of the game? Well, obviously stop the phantoms--but what else?
     
    Break stuff.
     
    I'm so serious, LehvakLah and I played this game so much that we started looking at trees, walls, and columns in the real world and going "I'd love to drill through that."
     
    Overall, the game just plain rocks. I'm going to say this, if you own a PSP and DO NOT own Gurumin, you're missing out.
     
    Especially at only $19.99 USD.
     
    Next up: Lego Star Wars II
    Then: The Claidi Journals
  7. Janus
    FOR SCIENCE!
     
    "Like a vast Predatory bird…"
     
    H'lo all you gentlefolk. Some of you are no doubt believing that the world will end soon, given that I have updated not once—but TWICE! And in rapid succession (Well, rapid for me anyhow)
     
    However I'm here to assure that the world is indeed safe and secure—well at least I pose no threat. Or not much of one—only a code yellow at the most
     
    NEVERTHELESS, this entry does indeed serve a purpose—or rather, it serves a PROMISE.
     
    Y'see, many of you might not know this, but for quite a few years I had aspirations on becoming an author (Instead I find myself as a Martial Arts Instructor. Talk about KICK BUTT HA HA JOKE), however I cannot let go of my author aspirations—why?
     
    Quite simply it's a matter of efficiency. I spend at least 25% of my free time in a state of worldbuilding, this is a GROSSLY misappropriated time given what actually gets done. Thus I either figure out how to stop my brain from doing so* (Impossible, by the way) or I find a way to force myself into productivity!
     
    THUS THIS WAS BORN.
     
    It's a simple enough concept, really. My writing skills have dulled over time and I find myself struggling for words that once came effortlessly. This is uncool.
     
    And so I've come up with this solution "FOR SCIENCE!" will be an ongoing series—possibly until the day I die (HA). There will be no set requirements for the most part, but the basic layout is as follows.
    Every day I will write a minimum of 2,000 words. This can be about any subject. Throughout the week I will collect comments on what people are interested in me writing about. Any subject that is BZP appropriate will be considered. Any subject I am not familiar with must be presented with enough information that I can have at least a loose understanding of it. Every Friday I will randomly select one of the choices given and write 4,000 words on that given subject. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. I will accept additional challenges on an an occasional basis. This can include length, using certain words, using a certain style, or using a certain phrase--or anyything else you can think of! Since the point of this is to help improve not only my SKILL in writing, but also my FREQUENCY in writing. I will accept crits and ENCOURAGE people to bug me on AIM/MSN if I have not updated on a given day. I am frequently a lazy butt. 
     
    So without further adieu, I present to you my first 2,000 word monstrosity.
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

    Why I can never be evil 
    I think I first realized my ineptitude for evil at the tender age of ten. You see it wasn't just my penchant for alliteration, or my love of prancing and dancing and romancing. It wasn't even the fact that I was a blond haired blue eyed baby faced tinychild.
     
     
    No, indeed it came about because of how I made and ate my food.
     
    Undoubtedly some of you are wondering if that mean that I didn't viciously stab my food and then leap upon the still stabbed remains and feast on them—well you're bloody right. That'd just be weird. What do you take me for?
     
    However I also didn't sit politely like a good little lad and smile eagerly waiting for the pot to boil (Protip: IT DOESN'T IF YOU WATCH), nor did I hum to myself as I gently poured in the spices. And I certainly didn't take even-measured mouthfuls and ensure that I chewed 21 times EXACTLY.
     
    No, it was nothing that dramatic. In fact it was something rather trivial.
     
    Now as I mentioned above I have a horrible penchant for worldbuilding at the worst times. Often enough this included when I was alone and making food, resulting in all sorts of strange voices and forced accents and epic battles before I sat down to eat…it was a good thing no one was ever home when I made food, huh?
     
    Now to take a brief sidetrack, my favourite food, and the one that most often resulted in this strange story was in fact ramen noodles. For those of you unaware of what ramen is—go to your cupboard. Good, now open it up. Very good. See those little packets of INSTA-SOUP? Yeah, that's ramen. Horribly unhealthy and my raison d'etre in the days of my youth.
     
    Now there was nothing particularly different about the way I made ramen vs. anyone else. I still filled the pot full of water, put the water on to boil, and then put in the noodles.
     
    And that's where the problem came in.
     
    All of a sudden it wasn't just noodles and water! No, it was either some sort of massive floating continent suddenly thrust into temperatures that were beyond their control! Or perhaps the water was fuel that had been contaminated by some strange substance! Regardless of the trimmings the result was always the same: OH NO SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG!
     
    And so it began. I would narrate the entire situation, often taking the place of the person or force behind the wrongdoing. In one example I was a corrupt executive who had determined that the floating continent had incredibly useful minerals, and thus had devised a clever plan to superheat it, and thus smelt the material into its rawest form—the fact that the inhabitants would die was of no concern to me! In the other I was an elite espionage agent who was tampering with the fuel supply of a mass conglomerate so that I could hold power over their holdings and force them to comply with my demands.
     
    Sounds pretty evil, huh?
     
    I thought so too. I even had the perfect voice for each of them. For one it was slightly haughty and arrogant, a blend of class and brutality that made your skin crawl, with a tinge of cold detachment. For the other it was smooth and silky, quiet but powerful. Frightening in its silence.
     
    For a period of minutes I would have this dichotomy playing back and forth. Acting as both the cruel aggressor and the terrified inhabitants. Be they the peaceable folk of the floating continent or the highly intelligent scientists who had designed the efficient fuel. Clearly they just wanted to help people!
     
    And then it happened. Then something inside of me went "Dude, what are you doing? Stop being so mean." And it all came crashing down.
     
    Somehow the cold, detached, and cruel executive would have a change of heart and realize that there were PEOPLE down there! And while it was too late to stop the superheating plan, would send ships to rescue the poor people! And naturally the profits made from their continent's raw materials would go into purchasing a new, more elaborate continent that better suited them!
     
    Somehow the efficient and deadly covert operative would relent and realize that these scientists had designed the fuel with naught but the most noble of intentions, and what kind of monster would he be to stand in the way of such idealism and hope for the future? Instead he would sacrifice himself to remove the contaminant, wishing only to be remembered.
     
     
    Yeah. I know. What.
     
    Even when at last the time had come to eat my wonderful splendor the stories would not stop. In fact the incredible rapidity with which the tales would transform themselves, essentially performing massive retcon, was astounding.
     
    The most common story here was fairly simple. It was a mostly uninhabitable planet made of molten slag. However some settlers had managed to create basic shelters and had been living there for the past few years.
     
    AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN A GIGANTIC BEAST APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE.
     
    Not only was this thing cruel enough to eat the settlers, but it seemed to feast upon the planet itself! OH THE HUMANITY!
     
    And then that little "Dude, stop being evil" would kick in, and the massive beast would in fact become a giant harvesting machine. Something that the settlers had originally had on their expedition to help create a hospitable place to live, but had for whatever reason been lost in the depths of space (or perhaps it was the settlers had been lost).
     
    Regardless, the result was the same. While the harvesting machine would ingest both planet and inhabitant, the settlers were harmlessly placed in a comfortable holding area until the people in the machine's cockpit were informed that the planet was inhabited. While simultaneously, the molten slag would go into a storage pit to be used for raw materials at a later date.
     
    By the way, just to remind you. THIS IS ABOUT MAKING AND EATING SOUP.
     
    Yes, my imagination is incredibly overactive, of this I am aware. In fact this is likely a strong component of my inability to be evil—the tendency of my imagination to immediately go overboard would likely make it impossible for me to pull of any truly evil schemes. After all, it's hard to be the evil overlord when you're feeling bad about locking the hero in the cell—and oh jeese it could be cold in there! And when was the last time that poor person ate?
     
    All of a sudden the PRISON CELL has become a comfortable lounge area with blankets and cookies for all.
     
    Now this is not to say that I cannot create evil characters. In fact I pride myself on creating some heartless and cruel monsters—however I will say that almost inevitably they have a reason and are not ALL bad. In fact most of my "BIG BAD" characters aren't even characters—or bad. They're simply forces that do what they do regardless of outside influence or pressure. Perhaps this Is indicative of the way I view the world?
     
    But enough of that tangent, creating evil characters does not make ones quotient for evil go up, nor does creating heroic characters make one's courage increase. They're simply behaviours that are observed and transcribed into stories. That's not the argument here.
     
    The argument is the fact that left to my own devices, with no one around to judge me, playing in a world I created in two minutes. I was unable to be evil.
     
    Now this is not to say I can't be a bit cruel, or even mean. I'm still simply human and have committed many acts that were invariably cruel and malicious—I am justifiably ashamed of these acts and try not to allow them to occur—but hey, life.
     
    However evil and cruel/mean/butthead are two completely opposing things. To be mean is more of an act, likewise with cruel and buttheadedness. However to be evil can either be a single act of absolute depravity, or an existence of general buttheadedness. Evil is not what I do.
     
    Y'see, the main thing I'm getting at here is not that I am a MORAL AN UPSTANDING YOUNG MAN WHO SHUNS ALL THE BAD THINGS IN THE WORLD AND STRIVES BE A WHOLESOME AND CARING PILLAR OF LIGHT AND JUSTICE—not to say that's bad. Just saying that's not what I'm getting at.
     
    I'm saying the reason that I could never be evil (if it weren't apparent enough in the above stories) is GUILT. I have an incredibly overactive guilt complex—enough so that even those cruel characters acting on their own were forced to conform to the standards set out by my morality standard—why? Because they were acting in proxy to me and they were doing things that made me GUILTY.
     
    Not cool.
     
    So, really, I could never be evil simply because of that guilt complex. Remove that guilt and I have no idea what I'm capable of, but with it I'm pretty much harmless.
     
    I want to give you another example. Think back to the last time you were angry. And I mean Angry. I MEAN ANGRY. I MEAN REALLY, REALLY PEEVED. Got it? Good.
     
    Now obviously it varies from person to person, but when one tries to contain one's anger (Not suppress, mind you. Just contain until you can let it go) various reactions occur. As someone with a highly active imagination I tend to imagine things happening around me—and when I'm TICKED—and have nowhere in particular to vent my frustrations (You know what I mean, various things happen all after another and you have no idea WHAT you're supposed to be mad AT) I tend to imagine the world in a general state of panic—it really varies on multiple factors what the aggressors are, but the general rule is that the world is falling to pot and I'm THE EVIL MAN WHO WALKS THROUGH THE CHAOS WITH A SMILE MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
     
    For example in some it's Mecha and armor troops blowing up everything all around, while I stride through the war zone in my trench coat smiling at the madness all around.
     
    Sounds pretty evil, right?
     
    Again, after a period of about 30 seconds everything changes. The Mecha stop dropping bombs, the armor troops stop firing. Instead they start to help rebuild, because you see I was only attacking so I could unify the world against a common enemy!
     
    Yeah. I know.
     
    Please do keep in mind, though. This doesn't mean I'm sunshine and candy all day long. I can be quite the cruel lad (as mentioned above), but inevitably I'll do something to make it up to you—unless you're a real butthead.
     
    But I can hear some of you piping up
    "But what about a minion, couldn't you be a minion?"
     
    Ehn, that one's up in the air. I mean minions can be misled and believe that the Big Bad is in fact a beacon of hope and light and freedom—when in fact he's just kicked a puppy out a window and bombed an orphanage. So could I be a minion? Yeah, probably. So long as the guy was good in hiding he was evil. If he was openly evil then I'd have to say no. Unless I was a MiNO (Minion in name only) as in not really doing any work, just getting all the cool perks of working for an evil overlord—but even so I doubt I could do it. Some of you may not realize it was the GUILT complex that had me resign for Global Moderator…because I just didn't have the time to do the job I felt I needed to do.
     
    So, really, that sums it all up. I can a butthead, (Heck, my title is "The Buttest" for a reason!), a meanie, and a cruel and malicious person, but not evil.
     
    It's up to you to decide which is worse.
     
     
    TOTAL WORD COUNT: 2,023
     
    I'd like to take this moment to say that I have NO Idea what's going to come out my "FOR SCIENCE!" series. It could be short stories, it could be rambles, it could be essays, it could be...well, strange things. ENJOY =D
     
    Oh, and SOOPER BONUS POINTS to anyone who can name where the title of this entry came from.
     
     
     
    *Seriously, most of my MOCs came about by sheer fluke. Because I sat down, started fiddling with pieces and about an hour later had a fully operational world with various characters—AND NO FINISHED MOC. When I finished one it was a miracle.
  8. Janus

    Mass Defect 1

    By Janus,

    Okay guys, here's the deal. I've been wanting to play Mass Effect again anyhow (especially now that I know that MaleShep is from CAYNADA) but I've been kind of hemming and hawing about it. I mean I already beat ME1 and ME2 using a Femshep and playing a full paragon like I wanted to--but I know there's so much I'm missing.
     
    So here's where you come in!
     
    I will play Mass Effect (and maybe Mass Effect 2) according to your choices. I will leave each entry up for ONE DAY in which you can vote for the response I should take.
     
    The only rules here are:
    1. It will be Manshep, I already played Femshep and I love her dearly, I want to try something different.
    2. I will not romance Liara. I already did, we had numerous blue children and they are adorable.
    3. If there is no clear majority I will decide whatever I want so nyeh.
     
    THAT'S IT. So let's start off with the first round of Options:
     
    WHAT IS SHEPARD'S NAME:
    - Commander __________ Shepard
     
     
    WHAT IS SHEPARD'S BACKGROUND:
    - Spacer
    Both your parents were in the Alliance Military. Your childhood was spent on ships and stations as they transferred from posting to posting, never staying in one location for more than a few years. Following in your parent's footsteps, you enlisted at the age of eighteen.
     
    - Colonist
    You were born and raised on Mindoir, a small border colony in the Attican Traverse. When you were sixteen, slavers raided Mindoir, slaughtering your family and friends. You were saved by a passing Alliance patrol and you enlisted with the military a few years later.
     
    - Earth Born
    As an Earthborn, you had a rough childhood in the slums on Earth and have a gritty edge to your personality.
     
    WHAT IS SHEPHARD'S MILITARY HISTORY:
     
    - Sole Survivor
    During your service, a mission you were on went horribly wrong. Trapped in an extreme survival situation, you had to overcome physical torments and psychological stress that would have broken most people. You survived while those around you fell, and now you alone is left to tell the tale.
     
    - War Hero
    Early in your military career you found yourself facing an overwhelming enemy force. You risked your own life to save your fellow soldiers and defeat the enemy despite the impossible odds. Your bravery and heroism have earned you medals and recognition from the Alliance fleet.
     
    - Ruthless
    Throughout your military career, you have held fast to one basic rule: get the job done. You've been called cold, calculating, and brutal. Your reputation for ruthless efficiency makes your fellow soldiers wary of you. But when failure is not an option, the military always goes to you first.
     
    WHAT CLASS WILL SHEPARD BE:
    - Soldier
    The Soldier is your pure combat class, they are those who use guns to solveall their problems. They can use all 4 weapons without relative ease, the onlyclass that is able to use Heavy Armour and they have the ability to use FirstAid. This is the best option for first time players because its easy to use,point and shoot. The class of a default Shepard or a quick Shepard.
     
    - Engineer
    The Engineer is like the Soldier, a pure user, but of Tech this time. Theyare the masters of cracking locks and hacking into systems, and also hackingand disabling enemy units. Since the Geth are electronic, you can hack intothem to render them useless. They are going to be a support unit, since thisisn't Battlefield 2 and you don't get a Shotgun.
     
    - Adept
    The Adept is the last pure user, the user of Biotics, or Jedi. With this,you will be able to defend yourself with Barrier, or throw your enemiesto render them useless. However, they will lack the offensive power or thetech power that would be required for an all round unit.
     
    - Infiltrator
    The Infiltrator is a combination of Combat and Tech. They have the offensivehacking powers of the Engineer and the long range and close range stoppingpower of a Soldier. They are a very powerful class, the other being theVanguard. With Combat and Tech, they can easily go through the game withoutneed for a support squad.
     
    - Sentinel
    The Sentinel is the combination of Techs and Biotics. This can be quite usefulbut there lies a problems. You don't have the combat capabilities of bringingdown the enemy. This class is again a support class since you can't take theenemy down.
     
    - Vanguard
    The Pure Jedi class, the Vanguard is one of the most powerful classes, theycan combine Biotics and Combat together. They however, lack the Tech powers totake down locks and that will seriously undermine your support squad. Theycan easily knock down foes, throw them and fire.
     
     
    HOO BOY THAT WAS A LOT OF STUFF BUT WE'RE NOT DONE YET.
     
    TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN WE GET TO PICK WHAT SHEPARD LOOKS LIKE!
     
     
     
    "Wheel of Morality turn, turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
     
     
     
     
  9. Janus
    What a completely unexpected amount of support on this completely silly idea! THANK YOU GUYS AND GALS.
     
    Anyhow, now that our Shepard is named (the best possible name) and assigned, it's time to decide what he looks like. I will do this in the simplest possible way:
     
    WHAT IS SHEPARD'S RACE:
    - Asian
    -Caucasian
    -African-Canadian (+10 points because my wife wants it)
     
    WHAT IS SHEPARD'S COMPLEXION:
    - Yes Wrinkles
    - No Wrinkles
    - Maybe Wrinkles
     
    DOES SHEPARD HAVE A SCAR:
    - Yes
    - No
     
    DOES SHEPARD HAVE SOME PUDGE ON HIS FACE:
    - LOTS
    - Maybe a little
    - He is a skeleton
     
    WHAT SIZE ARE SHEPARD'S EARS:
    - Bigguns
    - Littleuns
    - Middlesizeuns
     
    WHAT KIND OF EYES DOES SHEPARD HAVE:
    - Squinty
    - Popping out
    - Boring
     
    WHAT IS SHEPARD'S OVERALL MOOD:
    - Happy
    - Sad
    - Zoned out
    - Neutral
    - Angry
     
    WHAT IS SHEPARD'S EYE COLOUR:
    - Look just tell me a colour because I'm not going to list all of them okay. There's a lot of colours I have to scroll through and I've already been through this character creation screen like eight times.
     
    DOES SHEPARD HAVE LUSCIOUS HUSSIE LIPS:
    - Yes
    - Yes
     
    HOW HUGE IS SHEPARD'S NOSE:
    - So Huge
    - Maybe not so huge?
     
    DOES SHEPARD HAVE FACIAL HAIR:
    - Yes
    - No
     
    WHAT COLOUR IS SHEPARD'S HAIR:
    - Blonde
    - Reddish
    - Brownish
    - Black
    - Mix'n'match (One for hair colour, one for beard colour)
     
     
    AFTER THIS WE WILL BE DONE WITH LOTS OF CHOICES. ONCE THE GAME STARTS IT IS PRETTY MUCH BINARY.
     
    OKAY I LOVE YOU ALL BYE.
     
    "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
    "Brush your teeth after every meal!"
     
  10. Janus
    Ladies and gentlemen--may I introduce you to....
     

     
    COMMANDER WENGLESTUMP SPARKLEPANTS SHEPARD (Or Wenglestum for short. Because character limits are no fun)
     

     
     
    ANYHOW our new found commander is on board the Normandy SR-1, the highest techest piece of space shippery this side of the galaxy. And he hears two PEONS I mean crew members talking about the Spectre aboard their ship. More specifically he hears the navigator talking about how only a fool believes the official story.
     
    HOW WILL WENGLESTUM RESPOND:
     
    1. I agree - Agree with the navigator that something doesn't feel right
    2. You're overreacting - maintain that cool demeanor that you might be well known for if you are known for that.
    3. Cut the Chatter! - SHOW HIM WHO IS BOSS.
     
    "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
    "If you can't say something nice--you're probably at the icescapades."
     
     
  11. Janus
    Our brave commander Wenglestump Sparklepants Shepard has come across two of his squad mates discussing the presence of a Spectre aboard their super shiny new spaceship. Wenglestum, having not had his coffee that morning and being in no mood to hear the ironically named "Joker" spout off conspiracy theories grouchily snapped "Cut the Chatter" and satisfyingly both Kaidan Alenko and Joker did so--until Joker decided to open his fat mouth again and try to talk to the captain to warn him about the Spectre heading back to talk to him...
     
    Only for the captain to respond "He's already here" as in "He's already here you dork, he heard you warn me about him. Way to make our ship look like it's full of super geniuses"
     
    Wenglestum has also been commanded to go discuss certain things with both the Spectre and Captain Anderson. Joker wants to make sure Wenglestum heard, but Wenglestum can't resist leaving one final comment
     
    1. Is He Upset? - Wenglestum wants to make sure Joker understands that was a silly comment in the most passive aggressive way possible.
    2. I Heard - Wenglestum is boring. So boring.
    3. You made him mad - Wenglestum doesn't even bother being subtle. Joker you messed up. Dork.
     
    "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
    "Elvis lives on in our hearts, in his music...and in a trailer park outside of Milwaukee."
     
     
  12. Janus
    Wenglestum has taken a long time to think about his response--about seven days honestly--which kind of begs the question of how/when he: went to the bathroom, ate, slept, showered, trained, brushed his teeth, styled his hair, shaved, and a multitude of other things. But pushing aside those logistical nightmares Wenglestum responds to Joker with such a well-crafted passive aggressive attack that if you hadn't been paying attention you almost would have taken it for genuine concern.
     
    Joker of course misses the entire thing and responds with "The captain always sounds that way when he talks to me" DRAT. Another passive aggressive zinger foiled by Joker's semi-awareness.
     
    It's at this time that Wenglestum (leaving the cockpit now) really starts to realize just how many people are on this ship--and thinking in broader terms, just how many people are in this entire galaxy. I mean, surely nobody would expect him to talk to all of them and want to sift through every element of his conversation like some sort of insane micromanager. WOULD THEY?
     
    These thoughts weigh heavily on Wenglestum as he moves closer to the captain's quarters.
     
    1. Will Wenglestum only post questions dealing with Renegade/Paragon options
    2. Will Wenglestum post questions dealing with Renegade/Paragon options and anything he thinks is funny or interesting?
    3. Will Wenglestum talk to everyone in the entire Galaxy. NO.
     
     
    "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
    "If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents."
  13. Janus
    After a moment of soulsearching Wenglestum has come to the conclusion that he is Commander Wenglestump Sparklepants Shepard. There's no way anyone would or could command him to talk to everyone in the universe! Or at least he hopes that really, really hard.
     
    However it has barely been a moment when he hears two of his underlings talking. Loudly. Like seriously, do they want the whole ship to hear them? Wenglestum rolls his eyes thinking it might be a lovers quarrel before hearing the word "Spectre" usually that doesn't come into a lovers quarrel--or at least Wenglestum hopes. (He doesn't actually know. Wenglestum has lived a surprisingly sheltered life for growing up in the wasteland that is earth. Nobody has taught him anything there is to know about the thing they call "love")
     
    Standing creepily close by, Wenglestum allows them to finish their conversation before leaning in. It appears a young soldier and the ship's resident doctor are in an arguement. The Doc is whining about doing his job, and the kid is whining about not shooting stuff. UGH WHINERS.
     
    HOW WILL WENGLESTUM RESPOND.
    1. Relax, Jenkins - Jeese man, the game has barely started yet. There will be plenty to shoot (spoiler alert, there is plenty to shoot)
    2. The Doc's right - The doctor has every right to whine about actually doing her job. And the kid is pretty dumb.
    3. Part of the job, Doc - APPARENTLY nobody told this DOCTOR that being a DOCTOR meant DOCTORING people. Especially people who get SHOT. JEESE WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR IS THIS.
     
    "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
    "Vote early, and vote often."
  14. Janus
    Being that last entry was totally non-canon and didn't count at all (what, did you actually think it was that easy to get the bad end? NO) let's move on with the amazing adventures of Commander Wenglestum Sparklepants Shepard
     
    After a moment of thinking, Wenglestum has perfect clarity of thought and responds to the Doctor, explaining quite clearly what her job is, and how soldiers get hurt because of reasons. She naturally snaps at him and gets all upset. Jeese, how rude?

    It's then that Wenglestum looks into Jenkins face and suddenly he can't control himself anymore. The secrets, the lies--it's all too much. What he feels must be public and to heck with the consequences! With sweaty palms Wenglestum bends down to pop the question....
     
     
    ...and promptly gets dragged into the Captain's office by some Turian Spectre thing. JEESE DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE IN ROMANCE ANYMORE?
     
    Anyhow the Spectre proceeds to blab on about how the mission isn't really just boring stuff, but maybe exciting stuff will also happen, and then without warning the Captain appears in his quarters (What are the odds???) and explains that it's even BETTER, Wenglestum himself is under review for Spectre status himself! He supposes he'll let the whole yanking-away-from-his-fiance slide this time--I mean he might get the power to do whatever he wants! One could almost say he would get to skirt the rules--perhaps because of his money!
     
    But suddenly Wenglestum is snapped out of his reverie, as the navigator patches through a feed from Eden Prime (the planet they were going to visit I guess?) and lots of people are dying. Wenglestum also has to suppress a giggle at what seems to be a soldier dressed in white and pink armor? I mean, how Gauche!
     
    Shortly later Kaidan and Jenkins are on the surface of Eden Prime--and it has certainly seen better days. They wander around for a bit (because seriously, Wenglestum's sense of direction is terrible. There's a reason he's not the navigator of the Normandy--and also why people don't let him drive the Normandy) before Jenkins lets his PASSION get the best of him and runs ahead of the rest of the team--and is cruelly cut down in his prime.
     
    Wenglestum stops for a moment, his entire world ending as he watches his fiance fall under a hail of bullets. Full of rage and sadness he shoots the floating robot things before running over to inspect the body of his beloved. It's time to make a choice--the entire mission is counting on him.
     
     
    1. He deserves a burial - It was Wenglestum's fiance for heaven's sake--he at least deserves that much, right?
    2. We can't help him now - The cold hard reality is that they're in the middle of an active war zone, and as much as he meant, he's done.
    3. Forget about him - Wenglestum can't deal with what just happened. He has to rationalize the damage that's been done to his life and treat him like any other soldier.
     
    "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
    "WIN A FREE TRIP TO TAHITI" (We won, we won, we won!)
  15. Janus

    Mass Defect 8: How Gauche

    By Janus,

    With a mournful cry Wenglestum cradles his fiance's body and vows that he WILL have a funeral (and it's going to be AWESOME. I mean, that wedding budget has to go SOMEWHERE right?)
     
    He's barely placed his beloved's body on the ground when there are MORE things to shoot (which honestly is pretty good, because he's kind of ticked. I mean not only did he lose his first squadmate EVER, but it just happened to be his FIANCE. What are the ODDS?)
     
    Anyhow he walks a bit, shoots a bit, yells at Kaidan a bit (dude will NOT be quiet) and then sees some crazy robot flashlight eye things. WHAT WILL HE DO, oh wait, they killed a human so I guess it's time to shoot them. So he does and they're dead, and then--oh dear. Oh dear is that human seriously wearing pink and white armor? Like pink and white armor? As in PINK?
     
    Yes unfortunately she is. Also she apparently got her entire squad killed by the robot geth flashlight things. Or at least her entire squad got killed by those things, and she maybe blames herself? Honestly, Wenglestum is kind of tired of all these people talking about things. HOW DOES HE RESPOND. (Also this one is a threefer because I AM NOT WAITING AROUND FOR ASHLEY)
     
    1. Are you okay? - I mean seriously, she is willingly dressed in white and pink armor. If nothing else that is a sign of mental damage.
    2. What happened here? - Pink. Armor. Wenglestum has to know how this happened.
    3. We're on a Mission - Wenglestum can't stand to be around her, let alone look at her. I mean that armor.
     
    BONUS POINTS IF YOU ANSWERED 1.
     
    2.1. What Happened to the rest of your unit? - Yeah, did your wardrobe scare them off?
    2.2. Fighting these things? - I guess flashlight robot geth death machines are somewhat important maybe.
     
    BONUS POINTS IF YOU ANSWERED 2.1
     
    3.1. Don't blame yourself - I Mean I guess she shouldn't feel bad about killing her squad. Her choice of uniform on the other hand...
    3.2. What killed them? - Wenglestum reveals that he hasn't actually been paying attention to anything this entire time, or subtly indicates that he thinks that Ashley is a serial killer.
    3.3. You abandoned them - Wenglestum is a butt, who does buttlike things because he doesn't like Ashley. Her and her pink armor. (It offends him because it will look so much better on him)
     
    "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
    "Brush your teeth after every meal--this moral brought to by the American CANADIAN Dental Association"
     
  16. Janus
    Tired after a long day of doing whatever it is that he does aboard his ship, the proud commander Wenglestum retires to his quarters, eager to relax. Logging onto the extranet, he finds information about a new vid. Supposedly based on the hit "Mass Effect" trilogy. Having no idea exactly what that trilogy is about, but being curious nonetheless Wenglestum pays his credits and the vid is streamed directly to his quarters. At this point Wenglestum goes catatonic. The crew discovers him in his cabin days later, his mind so far gone that he's unable to handle even the most basic of tasks.
     
    BAD END
     
     
     
     
    Okay seriously, I loved ME1, I loved ME2 (Lair of the Shadowbroker DLC <3) and I plan to love ME3 (Yes, I know all about the ending. Hush) so I figured, hey, why not give this ME-anime a shot? I mean it's Mass Effect, which I love, and it's Animu, which I also love sometimes. Plus it's made by Studio I.G. who did GHOST IN THE SHELL. What could possibly go WRONG?
     
    EVERYTHING.
     
    I mean, some of it was hilarious so I wondered if maybe it was going to be one of those "So bad it's good" things, but alas it can't even live up to that. SO SPOILERS FOR MASS EFFECT PARAGON LOST BELOW. But seriously, nobody cares because this movie is terrible and awful and nobody likes it.
     
    It starts off with James Vega, who is part of a troop of Alliance soldiers consisting of:
    - Vega (The Shepard wannabe)
    - The Nerd
    - The chick
    - The sleazepile
    - The Pilot
    - The Sniper
    - The Captain.
     
    Anyhow they have to stop the Blood Pack Mercs from attacking this place because REASONS. But the shuttle they're in gets TORN IN HALF by a laser--and they all somehow survive. Because also reasons.
     
    Anyhow with the cap out of the action, Vega comes up with a DARING PLAN to defeat the Krogans. It consists of being dumb, but it works anyhow, and they take a Krogan prisoner of war (Which I'm sure happens all the time. The Krogran love being taken alive and dying of old age, after all)
     
    Skip forward two years and DEAR GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT CHILD'S VOICE. Vega's a hero and people love him, except for the Asari who he is totally in love(?) with because she's all snooty and he's a dumb soldierman. HE'S SO HARD DONE BY.
     
    Long story short, collectors attack and people start dying (thank god) but the order they die in is something straight out of every stereotpyical horror movie ever. Let's look at the casualty list in order, shall we?
    - The chick
    - The Pilot (Who happens to be black)
    (Protip: If you see the face of the girl you like in and amongst 29 other metallic skulls trapped inside a giant death robot. DO NOT RUN TOWARDS IT)
    - The nerd
     
    Also there's some silliness with the captured Krogan from before being like "YOU SAVED ME AND THAT MEANS I WILL FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH" and I kept waiting for the betrayal but it DIDN'T COME. HE MEANT IT.
     
    And some other people die later. But really, that's all we need to see. Also the sleazepile has multiple death fakeouts before he finally dies in the end. He is a bad person and I don't like him.
     
    Also the 'choice'--well, let's put it up to the test.
    1. Save the Asari you love and maybe loves you back? Also has data on collectors
    2. Save your Captain and ALL OF THE HUMAN COLONISTS
     
    Also they tried too hard to make Cerberus the bad guy. I mean when you have the collectors working for the REAPERS who are working to exterminate humanity, having this lame old human guy being like "NYAH. I AM EEEVIL" I mean we all know Cerberus is bad, but that's just silly.
     
    Seriously, I just kept waiting for this movie to end. If I had bought it (instead of renting it) I would have literally destroyed my copy of it.
     
    But yeah, actually answer that choice. I'm curious as to what you choose. He chose wrong in my opinion.
    (PS. Plz don't put Admiral Hackett or Captain Anderson in your movie if you don't actually get their Voice Actors. Thanks!)
  17. Janus

    Micah

    By Janus,

    Is pretty much one of the greatest people ever. He draws awesome things and he sends awesome presents and I really hope I will see him again this year.
     
    THANK YOU MAN.
     
    So seriously, everyone start talking about how amazing Micah/Kakaru is. Because he's amazing.
     
    (I got a cheerleader and a doofy tennis player, in case you were wondering, Micah)
     
    ALSO WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME TOXIC REAPA HAS A POT BELLY???
  18. Janus

    Mistika I

    By Janus,

    The Toa Mistika, the latest hot-button issue amongst BIONICLE fans. If you like them you're considered a noob who knows nothing or at best a supporter of the dreaded focus groups, if you don't you're clearly a purist who worships the very ground 2001 stands on.
     
    So, what are my thoughts?
     
    Well, I'm going to be misleading and cruel =D. Y'see, this is Mistika I, the first part of the article which deals with the setup and background for the advent of the Mistika. This will be a multiple part series and worry not, it will eventually get to my thoughts on the Mistika.
     
    To understand my thoughts you need to go waaaay back into 2001 when BIONICLE was just beginning (please hang on before you yell OMG HE'S A PURIST GET HIM). The Strange and mythical Toa were first revealed and frankly...I was not impressed. In fact I was terribly underwhelmed and refused to have anything to do with it. The 'teaser' of Tahu and Vakama did nothing to whet my appetite and I just wanted this expected failure of a line to get on and die just like RoboRiders and Slizer/Throwbots.
     
    But it didn't, in fact it was a few weeks later when a comic book detailing the lush world that these warriors lived in debuted in my very own mailbox. I read it from cover to cover repeatedly and instantly knew that unfortunately, I was hooked.
     
    Gradually the story evolved, bringing in the mysterious Bohrok and even the ungainly BOXOR and EXO-TOA suits (They've always seemed like they should be in capitals. Deal with it) and with it came the promise of change--perhaps the Toa we knew and loved were destined for something greater.
     
    2003 appeared with mixed sentiments. Most of us here on BZP and across the fan spectrum had been eagerly studying the leaked images of the So-called Bohrok/Toa hybrids, with their strange and rather evil looking "Kranohi," could these things possibly be our much beloved Toa, or were they yet another fearsome enemy for them to face?
     
    Well as we all know now, the so-called "Kranohi" turned out to be the powerful Kanohi Nuva, powerful and mysterious artifacts and the transformation of the original Kanohi masks--but more than that, as was rather clear from looking at the new masks (Minus the Kaukau, but it was always kind of an odd duck out) they introduced something new to the BIONICLE mythos (Or at least the plastic) unlike the previous Kanohi they were organic.

    Again fan reactions were mixed, some still stand by the fact that Nuva-ization was the worst thing that could possibly happen, some eventually (and grudgingly) accepted that it was bound to happen, and others loved the changes almost immediately.
     
    I myself was between camps two and three. Upon the advent of the Nuva I proudly announced my disdain for them--minus Kopaka and Gali--and to this date I still regret not picking up a Tahu Nuva.
     
    Like what many perceive the conflict over the Mistika to be, the primary conflict about the Nuva was those masks (some of which I will not deny were godawful). Very few had issue with the characters or their presentation in the storyline--even the basic construction received props in most circles I frequented.
     
    It was just those masks.
     
    Sentiments on the Nuva remain mixed, but the fact remains it was a key part of the BIONICLE franchise, the first transformation of our primary heroes. And I think that's something that's forgotten fairly often--especially here on BZP. Back in those days (Man do I sound old) the Toa Nuva were the only heroes we knew about. The Metru, the Inika, the Mahri, the Hordika. These were concepts we couldn't even begin to grasp because we knew in those days that the Toa Nuva were destined to wake up Mata Nui--how could the story be about anybody else? It would be like Spider-Man comics suddenly passing off a new Spider-Man and telling us to love him instead (Funny story about that...)
     
    Naturally the move away from the 'main Toa' ruffled a lot of feathers, but most were content until it became apparent that the Nuva were to be shunted to the back of the story while more, newer, edgier, cooler heroes were pushed to the forefront (Jeese, am I writing this on Marvel Comics or LEGO?). And then there came that first hint of something wonderful. The word that the Toa Nuva were not only going to return to their place in the story--but that they were to be redesigned and re-released.
     
    Try and imagine the joy that old fogies such as myself felt. Our heroes were not only taking back what we always felt was their rightful place--but additionally they were coming back in plastic! Of course many of us (including myself) were also rather hesitant at accepting this at face level--not only because people can say just about anything on the Internet (By the way, I'm really Bill Gates. Don't tell anyone) but also because we had seen how few similarities were shared by the Matoran > Inika > Mahri transformations.
     
    but hey, a little hope couldn't hurt, right?
  19. Janus

    Mistika Ii - Phantoka

    By Janus,

    Yes, yes It has been forever since I wrote my Article Mistika I...why do you ask?
     
    Oh, you say I'm due in for another article? Especially as everyone already has the Mistika thus rendering my thoughts null and void?
     
    You also say you're just a voice in my head and I'm talking out loud?
     
    Poop.
     
    Now then. Mistika II - Phantoka
     
    You see, you can't discuss the Mistika without discussing their predecessors--in this case the Phantoka. Just as it's difficult to discuss the Nuva without the Mata, or the Kal without the original character. The first iteration of something will inevitably be compared to the second, third, fourth, etc.
     
    Now in order to clarify, had the Phantoka and Mistika been released seperately, we would not see this--but as they have been clearly divided--well, the comparisons will be made regardless.
     
    AND NOW ON WITH THE SHOW.
     
    When we last left our article the intrepid hero (IE: ME) had just discovered that the Toa Nuva would be re-released in set form. Naturally as I said before most old farts like myself were squeeing in joy.
     
    And then came that other nasty side-effect of joy. Disbelief. Y'see, we've been around long enough--we saw what happened with the Matoran > Inika Transformation--heck, we even knew what happened with the Inika > Mahri transformation. And while the fandom was primarily happy with them, there were those voices of dissent asking "Hey, would a little resemblance hurt?"
     
    And so it was that doubt began to creep into our hopeful mindset. Lost was the vision of the Toa Nuva restored, modified Nuva masks on their faces and new poseability technology giving the Toa Nuva the flexibility we always desired--now we saw visions of Mahri/Inika clones with bizarre masks. (Or at least I did. I know there was a sentiment of doubt that seeped through the fandom as well)
     
    So while most were actively looking forward to the Nuva, the fandom again began to experience dissent, with some people actively nervous about the Nuva--or some simply not caring and not believing that TLC could pull it off (That'd be me folks =B )
     
    And then the first images of the Phantoka came out: What were the reactions?
     
    Near-universally positive from the majority of the Fandom. Most people were genuinely pleased with them--however on my side, the side of the "Old guard" shall we call it, most people were actively displeased. And I was certainly among them. Upon my first viewing of the Phantoka I was quite displeased, and remain so to this day--however saying such a thing is pointless without reasoning. Please allow me.
     
    The Toa Mata to Toa Nuva transformation was something that while not reviled was also something that had the fandom up in arms for a while (Mainly due to those godawful masks). But in the end it was almost universally accepted that the Toa Nuva could easily be recognized as their progenitors and the matter was dropped.
     
    The Phantoka do not have this. They may be wonderful sets full of many interesting pieces but they do not have the most important thing in the minds of people like me. They do not resemble their characters enough.
     
    Let's go over the changes, shall we?
     
    Lewa Nuva
    First and foremost one of my favourite colours has been stricken from the records. Gone is Lewa's wonderful vibrant green--instead he now has Lime all over. Now I do not dislike Lime, in fact I find it a wonderful complimentary colour--but with that much lime and no contrasting or complimenting colour (Just a neutral grey) he ended up looking washed out.
     
    The Mask has clearly changed--but we'll get to that in Mistika IIII - Kanohi
     
    However one needs only look at him to see the difference. Jet engines for a Toa of Air? Most things didn't bother me. In fact the Jet engines whilst confusing are hardly a deal breaker, even his sword (singular) wasn't that upsetting. What was most curious, though, was the absolute change.
     
    Pull out your Lewa Nuva original (If you have him) Thick lower legs and standard arms. Were I to attempt to reproduce this in set form I would say something like Inika Legs for legs and Metru legs as arms--instead we see that this has gone directly inverse. Now he has massively powerful and bulky arms--with skinny (And I do mean skinny) legs. It's simply bizarre.
     
    However one of the interesting things about the Toa Nuva was their armor. The first sets to have such a thing--before the silver influx became nearly unbearable. Naturally this has vanished without a trace.
     
    However I will not deny that the sword is very cool, and even somewhat reminiscent of his original Air Katana. Which is more than can be said about Lewa to Lewa Nuva.
     
    Pohatu Nuva
    We've already heard enough about the Orange/Yellow/Brown debate. It's getting rather old--however I will say that as a member of the Old Guard Pohatu--and Brown, were always my favourite. It was quite a dissapointment to see this colour dissapear.
     
    However unlike Lewa the bright orange does contrast nicely against the grey and thus I have no complaints in that regard.
     
    Again, however, look at the the proportions: Pohatu and Pohatu Nuva both had shorter arms and longer legs (Nuva had thicker legs as well). However they also had an inverse body, meaning slimmer shoulders than the other Toa! Pohatu Phantoka turned that on its head, keeping the thick legs--but then giving him massively lanky arms, and a hugely broad chest with no hips to speak of. How does this guy run?
     
    But once again there is no hint of armor on him. Thus erasing the 'nuva' from the equation (in my eyes, at least)
     
    I will say good on the designers for keeping the claws around in one form or another, though.
     
    (Again, the mask will be hit upon in Mistika IIII - Kanohi)
     
    Kopaka Nuva
    The colours have stayed the same and we all breathe a sigh of relief. However the bizarre inclusion of gunmetal is just a headscratcher. Why why why?
     
    Proportions wise I have little to complain about in regards to Kopaka, he is the best out of all of them in this regard. The wings I won't take into account as this is meant to show what differs them from the Nuva--and frankly you could slap that same pair of wings onto Kopaka Nuva and there'd be a neglible difference. Are they what I would give Kopaka for a means of flight? No, but that's not the point here.
     
    The biggest complaint with Kopaka is oddly enough something that they had some success with both Lewa and Pohatu on. Weapon recognition.
     
    While both Kopaka and Tahu always wielded a sword people could always recognize Kopaka because not only did he have a shield--his sword was different. Especially in nuva form, a dual-bladed STAFF of a blade. It was a glorious weapon.
     
    So how then do Lewa and Pohatu Phantoka end up with weapons resembling their Nuva forms, and Kopaka winds up with a butterknife? I'm sorry, it's a butterknife.
     
    So let us add up the similarities and differences, shall we?
    Lewa
    Similar: Lime green. Sword
    Different: Grey. Proportions.
     
    Well that doesn't sound so bad, now does it? This is of course not factoring in the mask, nor the main sticking point the NON-Old guard have about the Phantoka. More on that later.
     
    Pohatu
    Similar: Claws.
    Different: Grey. Proportions.
     
    I suppose I can offer Pohatu a slight bonus here in that his feet are vaguely reminiscent of Toa Mata feet with attachments. However this still fails to take into account the mask or the main sticking point.
     
    Kopaka
    Similar: White. Proportions.
    Different: Weapon. Grey.
     
    So for the most part they all seem about equal, or at least the similarities seem to be equal to the differences, right?
     
    Not exactly. The simple fact of the matter is that many of those similarities are also common amongst other things. For example Toa Nuju has similar proportions to Kopaka Phantoka (Minus the stubby arms) he's also white and grey, and the mask looks similar to boot!
     
    See the problem the old guard has? These sets have taken heroes that we recognized instantly--even in their first transformation (Minus those uncoloured, unfinished prototypes. Whoo boy) and has made them recognisable as other characters. Now while some may take this as a homage, it's clearly not meant to be.
     
    As for the Non-old guard? The number one complaint from this group is the fact that the Phantoka are basically Inika/Mahri with new masks and weapons. That's it.
     
    BUT hope was yet on the Horizon! We had seen that LEGO was okay at making Villains with the Phantoka Makuta. Perhaps the Toa Mistika would redeem our faith in TLC? Once again we dared to hope...but still looked to the future with skeptical eyes.
     
    Coming soon:
    Mistika III - Mistika
  21. Janus
    FOR SCIENCE! (8) 
    Okay, not so happy with this one. It's supposed to be part one of a two part tribute to one of the first stories I ever typed. That being a naive attempt to make a Novel out of Super Metroid. I got maybe fifteen pages in before I dropped it and never picked it up again.
     
    But I love Metroid, I love it so very, very much. So first of all we see a slightly different take on Metroid original, and then tomorrow there'll be something else. Thursday will be an all-original tale, though. So those of you who don't like this fanfic stuff don't have to worry, it won't be sticking around for long.
     
    I'd also like to apologize for a few things.
     
    One: I think the title sucks, but it's all I got, if you can think of something better please do suggest it.
    Two: There are all sorts of Metroid fan injokes, some of this you probably will not get. Like, at all.
    Three: The ending is both an injoke and a failtastic ending. I JUST NEEDED TO END IT.
     
    Anyhow, enjoy as much as is possible!
     

    Of Mothers. Who Happen to be Brains 
    I landed on the planet’s surface, rolling along the ground to cushion myself from the impact. Above me my ship flew on autopilot, the hatch I had emerged closing silently.
     
    I raised myself into a half-crouch, carefully watching my radar and readying my arm cannon, I knew it was more than possible that I’d be swarmed by Space Pirates at any point and it was important I stayed on guard. Luckily I was only five minutes away from the entry point to their lair—though I expected it to be heavily guarded. Five minutes later I had arrived…and underneath my visored helmet…blanched.
     
    It wasn’t heavily guarded at all. In fact there was a sign sticking out of the strange Blue-grey rock of Zebes that cheerfully informed everyone that this was in fact the express elevator into the Space Pirate secret lair. There was no way this was real. No way. I readied my arm cannon, waiting for the flood of enemies to wash over me at any point, I was most sorely disappointed when none showed up.
     
    “This has to be a joke” I muttered under my breath. I’d been hired to take care of the Notorious Space Pirates and their leader Mother Brain before they did even worse things with their newly discovered weapon, the species known as “Metroids.” So here I was on their home planet of Zebes…a well known Bounty hunter with a well known ship flying directly into their radar space and they have a SIGN that tells me this where their layer is, you’re kidding me.
     
    I sighed, there was nothing else on the planet’s surface, that much I knew, so unless I felt like making my own entrance (a tempting thought, albeit one that would take roughly 3 years by my calculations) I needed to take what I could get. Wary of any sort of trap I stepped into the elevator.
     
    Talk about cramped. With a full suit of armor plus arm cannon I barely managed to squeeze in, and for one second I thought the doors wouldn’t close—as it was they just barely managed to scrape over my armor and close. Phew.
     
    Then I heard it. I couldn’t believe it, but I heard it. How could Mother Brain have the absolute gall. How could it dare to do something like this? I sighed and dialed up my noise filters. There was no way in heck I was going to spend what looked like a long elevator ride listening to the tinkling, synthesized sounds of Muzac.
     
    At long last the ride ended and the Muzac ceased. Exiting the metallic squeeze tube I had been trapped in I entered a vast underground cavern. I realized now that the elevator wasn’t a conventional type and instead was some sort of light-based circular platform which rode down a tube until the exit point. Namely this place.
     
    There were two enormous stone pillars made of the same strange blue-grey stone that covered the surface of Zebes, each with a central tube running through it—maybe they controlled the elevator? If so perhaps If I could cripple the elevator I could prevent Mother Brain’s troops from escaping!
     
    But wait, there was something moving at the top of one of the pillars. I aimed my cannon upwards, checking my target reticle as some sort of…thing entered into my view. It was primarily yellow with faded green on the tips of its…spines? I really wasn’t sure, all I knew is it was an enemy—but perhaps it could serve useful.
     
    I tracked the thing’s movements then let lose a stream of fire directly ahead of it. The creature didn’t stop moving…in fact it seemed that it (and its partner, as I had realized there was another one on the other pillar) were only interested in crawling in a cyclical fashion, up one side, down the other. I fired again, speaking this time.
    “Listen up, there’s more than enough power in this cannon to destroy you! Where is Mother Brain?” The creature responded somewhat predictably, and when I say somewhat I mean incredibly predictably. It just kept going around in its preset path.
     
    I’d say it was a mercy killing, that I was putting the poor mindless thing out of its misery, but unfortunately I couldn’t even say that much, when I blasted the beast it sparked and exploded. They were some sort of Techo-organic security system. Great.
     
    “Oh Samus, you always were so violent” came a…somehow sweet, almost sickeningly so, voice.
    “Mother Brain” I grated out. I hate it when the villains play games with you, don’t they have any respect for all the effort it takes to infiltrate their bases and kill their soldiers? Jeese.
    “Of course!” The voice responded, sounding chipper and upbeat. What. The. Heck.
    “By the way if you’re looking for me I’m in Tourian, deepest layer of the Zebes Fortress. I’d come and greet you, but, you know. Giant brain in a jar and all that.”
     
    Okay now I was getting creeped out, Mother Brain was…chatting with me? Like she knew me or something? Was this all some massive prank?
    “You’re quiet dear, is there something on your mind?” She spoke soothingly. This was infuriating.
    “…Well, I didn’t expect the leader of the Space Pirates to be so…” I spoke before realizing it, why was I speaking to her?
    “Motherly?” She correctly intuited. And when did I start referring to it as a she?
    “Um…yes” I mumbled. Why was I still talking?
    “Well that’s how I got the name Mother brain, dear. Before that I was just brain. Oh by the way, we all pitched in and got a gift for your little attempt-to-kill-us-all party. If you check over on your left over the outcropping you’ll find it. Anyhow dear, my cannons are getting warmed up and I hate to let them get too hot. I’ll see you when you get down here!”
     
    And then the communication was cut, and I was left standing in the middle of a suddenly not-so-hostile enemy base. I think that was the most terrified I’d ever been in my entire life. But maybe, maybe, maybe that had all been a guise, you know, to lower my defenses! Yes, surely that was what it had been. I’d go look for the supposed gift and find it guarded by thousands of well-armed space pirates, or the gift would be a bomb or something that would destroy my power-suit leaving me helpless to fend for myself. SURELY THAT IS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
     
    I calmed myself, I hadn’t quite realized that I was hyperventilating—and fogging up my visor. I needed to remain calm, even in the face of such…I searched for the word, none of my usual ones fitting. Adversity? No, Overwhelming odds? No, Viciousness? Definitely not.
     
    Ah, absurdity, that was a wonderful fit—given that this entire situation was absolutely, irredeemably insane. But with luck there would be a band of murderous space pirates just around the bend, I’d shoot them all, and everyone would be happy.
     
    I glanced around the enormous cavern, the blue rock being weird enough at first, but with this fresh deluge of weird I felt like getting on the elevator and leaving. Of course when I looked at the ground I saw the circular platform of light wasn’t there anymore. Okay, so maybe Mother Brain was going to kill me and act like a villain should….Or maybe she just wanted to drive me to the brink of insanity.
     
    However, I realized that standing here wracked with indecision wasn’t going to help me either way. Plus if someone happened to be watching my exploits, or perhaps controlling them through some sort of controller, it wouldn’t be particularly interesting for them.
     
    I wasn’t quite sure where that last thought came from, but I went with it anyways. Then I turned to my left and exited from the ‘foyer’ and into the cavern proper. The first thing I saw was of course a gigantic stone outcropping with a tiny little tunnel underneath it…but it looked like it could be scaled, and in the lighter gravity of Zebes my jumps were nearly doubled. I was at the top in no time, scanning cautiously and seeing only one of those…strange…spikey things (I decided to call them Zebe-ites for sake of clarity.) crawling around on the farthest wall. In the center of the room, however, was a strange sphere that almost seemed to be made of glass, but shone with an intense light.
     
    Quickly realizing that this was the ‘gift’ that Mother Brain (and I assumed the rest of the space pirates) had gotten for me, I dispatched the Zebe-ite with a few well placed cannon shots, and moved closer to observe the strange crystalline orb. It seemed to be almost wholly transparent, with only a faint ring of blue showing where the outer line of the sphere was. Then of course there was the strange light radiating out from it, obscuring the lines even more.
     
    I scanned that thing with every scanner in my suit. Twice. And they all came up clean, upon seeing this verdict I hesitantly reached out with one armored hand and touched the sphere. Immediately the glow intensified and surrounded my suit (and I swear there was some sort of music playing ) causing all of the circuits to temporarily shut down and leaving me motionless—and without my visor, blind..
     
    Slowly the suit began to boot up again, sending power throughout my limbs and restoring my various sensors, but something was new, there was a new suit function listed in my schematics. I grunted and with my restored vision saw that the sphere was gone. Somehow it had been absorbed into my suit. I mentally shrugged, that was the kind of weird I could deal with. With the boot-up process complete the suit set to explaining the new feature installed, it seemed rather interesting, some sort of matter converter so that I could shrink into small spaces, moving around as a ball in an energy format, this I could get used to!
     
    I followed the instructions, I crouched down and then rolled, exactly as the suit had told me my armor began to fold and mould itself, turning into a spherical shape that wrapped all around my form and forming a shell around me. Next all that had to happen was for the matter converter to kick in and I’d be golden.
     
    I waited.
     
    And waited.
     
    My spine got sore very quickly, sitting in a ‘morph ball’ and curled into a horribly uncomfortable position with armor plating all around. Obviously the matter converter wasn’t going to work. I unrolled myself and glanced around the area, after all, I could live without the morph ball, I just needed to get to ‘Tourian.’
     
    Looking around the enclosed space I let out a stream of curses. On one side was the ending of the space pirates cavern, leaving only a sheer rock face that met the ceiling, on the other was the outcropping I’d climbed, but on this side it too was sheer and insurmountable. My only hope lay in that tiny little opening, which I could only fit through in morph ball form. I wanted to cry.
     
    I got as close as I could to the mouth of the tiny cavern, evaluating it mentally and with a few of my scanners as well. Even if I lay flat on my stomach and crawled I would be far too wide with my power armor—and if I abandoned my power armor I had no guarantees for survival, I wasn’t even sure if there was oxygen here! I sighed, crouched, and rolled; my armor again activated and formed the armored ball. Easy part was done.
     
    The problem with morph ball, I reflected, was not only that the matter converter seemed to be disabled, but also that when one is in a ball and curled into what was basically fetal position, one has no real means of locomotion—however I wasn’t the best bounty hunter in the galaxy for nothing. Sighing I heaved my body backwards, picking up just enough momentum that the morph ball slowly eased forwards and into the cavern.
    “Now that wasn’t so bad,” I mused to myself, heaving my body again and driving the ball a tiny bit further into the mouth of the cavern.
     
    All of a sudden there was a horrid screeching all around me. Instantly I was on my guard (though still trapped inside the ball) was this an alarm? Was Mother Brain attacking me now that I was trapped? Short answer: No, and also no.
     
    Instead, a monitor inside the ball activated and showed me that the cavern was tighter than even I expected, leading the metallic surface of my armor to scrape loudly across it. Sighing I brought up a map and found I was less than a quarter of the way through it. I think I could have killed someone.
     
    After an endless agony of that horrid screeching I finally escaped the tunnel, emerging into my fully armored form once again. I was going to make Mother Brain HURT for that.
    “BRAIN!” I shouted at the walls, I was sure she had some sort of surveillance, otherwise she couldn’t have spoken to me earlier. “Brain, I am taking you down, you hear me?” The response was faster than I could have expected, a speaker crackled to life and Mother Brain’s strangely comforting voice began to echo around the cavern
    “I’m sorry, I must have stepped out to raid some federation ships with my new army of Metroids, but your call is important to me, so please do leave your contact info and I’ll be sure to get right back to you! And if this is Samus, sorry sweetie, I guess you’ll just have to wait for me in Tourian, hate to leave you hanging like this.”
     
    My mouth dropped open, an answering machine? I got an answering machine? I realized two things right then and there. One: This was going to be a long and hard journey fraught with me wanting to kill things.
    Two: I hated this planet. I hated it so much.
     
    I sighed, some days just don’t end.
     
    Oh well, I’d get Mother Brain in the end, and hopefully she wouldn’t activate some sort of base-destroying bomb that I only had precious few seconds to escape from.
     
    But what were the chances of that?
     
    Word Count: 2,416
  22. Janus
    Again I die and break my schedule, I know, I know.
     
    Its been a crazy week, and I'm tired. In fact I should probably save this for the Monday update, but I wanna get it out of the way. Or something like that.
     
    Anyhow.

     

    On the current state of BIONICLE 
    I'm not happy.
     
    Strong words to start off with, I know, but it's true. I'm simply not happy with BIONICLE at this time.
     
    Now, before the accusations begin pouring in that I've grown out of it, or I'm a 2001-2003 fan, or something like that. Allow me to head that off--yes, In a way I've grown out of it, however I still purchase and enjoy the sets, and still read the comics and enjoy some of the media, as for being a 2001-2003 fan? I'll admit it, I love the Toa Olda--and I think the Toa Nuva were the most ugly things ever, I also highly enjoyed 2004 and others. This is not about not being on Mata-Nui, or anything like that. This is simply my opinion on the current state of BIONICLE, and the main problem points I've found.
     
    Problem point #1
    Accessability:
     
    Like many of you, I recall when BIONICLE first came out, and recalling the dissapointment that was Robo-riders and Throwbots/Slizers I warily stayed away--and then that accursed and beloved first comic appeared in mailbox and I was instantly hooked, the powerful story, the mysterious origin, everything was so very fascinating to me--and it continued to be throughout...until the first crash. Mask of Light.
     
    Now, don't misunderstand, I liked the movie well enough, heck, I still have it. My problem laid with the gaps in the comics, "CONTINUED IN MASK OF LIGHT" well, that bugged me, but it was minor enough that I could overlook it.
     
    2004 came with much fanfare, a return to the past and an interesting story of the Turaga we knew and loved as powerful (if somewhat unsure) Toa. It was an interesting story psychologically, going from the powerful and confident Toa Nuva to the unsure and frightened Toa Metru--and then that accursed thing appeared in the comics "CONTINUED IN LEGENDS OF METRU NUI"--or at least as far as I recall, as it was around this time that LEGO central seemingly forgot that I was to be sent comics as well as catalogues. Three catalogues, no comics. Frustrating.
     
    Likewise with 2005, but at least this time they were organized and didn't send me ANYTHING. No catalogues, no comics. 2005 passed without much fanfare from me (minus of course, my own stories) I also managed to snare every toy from this period minus some the Rahaga and the playsets.
     
    Ah, 2006 the return to comics and the return to the Nuva--or not. The Piraka were interesting, as was the new art style, but I couldn't help but feel that I wasn't getting the whole story, everything was being told in fragments, little tiny pieces of a greater whole. Where once I could pick up a comic and be quite up-to-date on the general going-ons in the mysterious world of BIONICLE, they started to become shallow, with little information and lots of fighting. (and this is a trend that's continued in my eyes.)
     
    And so to come to the crux of the issue, I find it wonderful that the BIONICLE books exist, it's a great way to give the story some depth--however now I find that the BOOKS are what contain most of the story, and the comics are really there to showcase all the nice toys you can buy, and show how 'cool' everyone is.
     
    A dissapointment, in my eyes.
     
    Problem Point #2
    Characters:
     
    A sensitive spot for many, I know. It is not that I dislike the characters, no, I quite enjoy many of them. It's more the fact that in my eyes in many ways they've ceased being just that, characters, rather they seem in many ways to be character-types.
     
    One of the reasons I fell so madly in love with the story of BIONICLE was the rich characters woven seamlessly with the story. The Turaga while all wise were also all distinctly different, the Toa while powerful had different opinions on how power should be used, they fought, they lost, they argued and they seemed to live. Around 2005 I began to notice this changing, with the advent of the books much of the life seemed to be leaving from the characters--even in said books (I've read quite a few of them, thank you very much) they simply weren't diverse, weren't interesting. It was as though one archetype was chosen and simply given different colours and slightly different views.
     
    I noticed this more than ever in 2006. Describe the defining characteristics of The Piraka, Vezon, and The Inika. Now describe the characteristics of the Toa Nuva--notice a difference?
     
    It was also around this time that characters truly began to suffer--gone were the brave and diverse Matoran of Mata-Nui, no, upon transforming into Toa it was as though they'd lost their old personalities completely--and still feel this. The Toa Mahri to me seem flat and uninteresting. Now I will admit that I have not read any of the books, but I going back to my first point, I don't think someone should have to read all the books simply to feel like there's a real character, rather than a generic hero.
     
    Problem Point #3
    Structure:
     
    This refers to two things, one, the construction of the sets, while having a definate shakeup in 2007, has been growing more and more generic. Two piece body, plus head, plus limbs. The Toa Mahri and Barraki were a welcome change, but even then the "Warriors" as they're now called, seem like more of the same--not in that they're all the same, as Gadunka is just about the most different thing I've ever seen from BIONICLE ever--but in construction. The pieces seem to be growing ever larger ESPECIALLY in larger sets--now I am not at all advocating for a return to the "Technic" style of the 2001 Rahi, nor the Bahrag. I'm asking for a between-ground.
     
    Back in 2003-2005 I could take any of my larger sets, and using only those pieces create something else, be it a Rahi or a Toa or another figure, I could create something.
     
    So I decided to do the same when I bought Vezon and Fenrakk--and was absolutely shocked that there was little I could do with the pieces, they were simply too large to do anything good looking with.
     
    Now I understand that that MOCers are not the primary market for BIONICLE--heck, we barely fit in at all, but as this is my opinion, I felt I should state it.
     
    The second structure?
     
    Toy/Story
     
    I believe that BIONICLE has a fascinating story, a story in many ways WEIGHED DOWN by the toys. While some of the toys are simply amazing, the fact that we have to constantly 'mutate' or otherwise change previously known Toa or 'create' them from somewhere is frustrating. Now I understand that LEGO is a play company, but I feel that the STORY should be at the forefront--Throwbots and Roboriders were good toys, but were utterly defeated by a lack of story. And now I feel that in many ways BIONICLE is fallling into the same trap, wherein Greg is forced to adapt sets into the story, rather than deciding
    "This is where we feel the story should go, could you create _____?" Which I feel would be a far superior structure.
     
    Problem Point #4
    Technology:
     
    BIONICLE, in my eyes always walked a fine line. Mysterious and fantastical, yet tempered with the obvious technology of the world (I mean, they're bio-mechanical)...yet with the advent of Metru Nui we began to move away from that and technology began to rise to the forefront, gone were the trials of seeking for the mystical Kanohi masks--here you could simply create them as you pleased, this problem has in many ways fluctuated, as we managed to go to a more primitive location on Voya Nui--unfortunately the Piraka and Inika felt that they needed technologically superior weapons in order to combat one another--even in 2007 we see this trait, Toa with high-tech gattling guns?
     
    It seems that in many ways BIONICLE has decided to stop walking that line and has sided unconditionally with Technology.
     
    I will also admit that much of my problems come from the "Kanohi" from 2004 onwards. While the interesting characters distracted me from it, I now find that what I had hoped wasn't true was indeed--gone are the simple and almost tribal mask shapes, masks that look ancient and powerful, now there are complicated and elaborate designs that obviously have a more technological and futuristic bend to them.
     
    For example, compare the Faxon of Hahli Mahri to the KauKau of Gali Olda, the difference is astonishing.
     
    Now while there is much more that I could nitpick, that's not the point of this entry. I still quite enjoy BIONICLE in many ways and am thankful it continues, and am thankful for all the hard work that LEGO puts into making it, these are just my thoughts on its current state.
     
    Finally, as many people will undoubtedly say "If you don't like it, why don't you do better", or even "LEGO is all about making your own stuff" To them I say, I can, I have, and will continue to do so.
     
    If you want to see my take (Which I understand in many ways would be impossible for Greg to do) then you'll get your chance in my upcoming entry. BIONICLE: Judgement
     
    Coming Soon: Ruby Gloom
    BIONICLE: Judgement 2003-2005
  23. Janus
    ... is that he leaves himself logged in to his computer at all times, so I pretty much have free access to his account.
     
    ♥ you, Rob!
     
    - HH
     
    (honestly aside from this, all I really do with his account is fix his spelling and grammar, and edit his profile and then wait until 3 months later when he actually notices)
  24. Janus

    Painkillers

    By Janus,

    A Swollen Wisdom Tooth!
    Sounds uncomfortable, no, sounds like a lot of pain!
     
    But here in our little town of White Rock, British Columbia
    You might say every one of us has a swollen wisdom tooth...
    But I'm only speaking metaphorically
     
    It's not easy having a sensitive, bleeding mass of muscle in your mouth..
    But, there it is!
     
    White Rock is home to many strange dentists. A big swollen, puffy gum...you may wonder, how does he deal with it?
     
    That, I can answer in one word: Painkillers!
     
    Painkillers, Painkillers
    Painkillers!
     
    Painkillers, painkillers
    Painkillers!
     
     
    So, yeah. That's where I've been this week.
     
    FOR SCIENCE! Returns Monday, with a story about...Painkillers!
     
    If you know what the above tune is, I love you. If you know me and know specifically what the above tune is, I love you more. Like, tons.
     
    CI YU MONDAY.
     
    Love,
     
    Janobert
     
     
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