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Kaleidoscope Tekulo

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Blog Entries posted by Kaleidoscope Tekulo

  1. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So I don`t really define myself with technicalities, or at least I try not to. I also try and grant the same perspective to other people because that`s just how my mind has always worked.
     
    There is a member in my family that has different needs than most people. I never really realized it until that family member met briefly with a childhood friend of mine. I had always just thought of that person as another member of the family. "Yes, that person acts differently, but Mom acts differently than Dad. Mom is Mom, Dad is Dad, and this person is this person" That was how my mind worked as a child. I like to think I carry a fraction of that mentality with me even today, though honestly I have no clue if that's the case.
     
    I know it`s not always easy to believe other people when they say "I know what it's like to be..." You can never just trust anyone else with your opinions, especially when you feel so personally and so strongly about that one trait that you relate with. People build morals, ideals and their very identityies around those sorts of things. How can anyone trust someone else with something so personal? Even so, I still try to get some sort of message across. Just here and there mostly, but I just want everyone to stay calm and think important aspects of their lives over rationally. It doesn`t sound like a lot, but sometimes people just can`t be rational or calm. They`re too proud, too stubborn or they have something that just means so much to them that they won`t ever consider taking their ideals lightly. And that`s fine, I guess.
     
    I am only 22 years old as of right now. So, what have I learned? Things change. I used to be a bratty kid with a hot temper. Then I was a miserable adolescent dealing with depression on my own. Now I`ve gone through treatment and I`m actually more or less content with my life. Sure, things aren`t perfect, but nothing ever is. That`s life I guess. But I`ve also learned that, yeah, I am different.
     
    Now, I don`t really have a label for myself that I fully appreciate, and I don`t keep up with personality studies, though I have taken a couple. (DISC - I think I was an I\C? Myers Briggs says I`m an INFJ). Ever since I was a kid, I grew up overweight. I know it`s not the most tragic thing you`ve ever heard, and yeah I am responsible for my own life choices and it`s not something that someone`s born with. That`s just how I was and still am. And yeah, I got bullied for it. I never got beat up, but throughout my schooling I would be a target for teasing. Some kids would hug me out of curiosity and tell their friends it was like hugging a big marshmallow. My bad temper didn`t help me any either. The more I reacted, the more it happened. I ended up just shutting up and ignoring people around me. That was a pretty unhealthy way to deal with it looking back now. When I went through my depression in highschool and college, it took me forever to finally come to terms with the fact there was something wrong with me, and even then it took me longer to actually tell my family.
     
    I hated that I was different. I didn`t feel comfortable in my own skin. I would go for walks after school and other kids (while sometimes meaning no harm) would make comments. I never lost my temper despite being quiet. I wanted to fight. I wanted to punch. I wanted to scream. But I put all of that aside. It never got any better. At least by ignoring they could have their fun and then get bored. That was just the way I was. That was just the way life is. You can spend a lifetime reasoning the ramifications of bullying, but ultimately it will still happen. That was just how my life worked. They were them and I was me. I had to deal with it alone. That was just the way it was.
     
    Anyway, as bad as things could get sometimes, I always told myself I was lucky. I have a good family, I have my health (more or less =P) and I have reasons to be happy, even if I wasn`t happy all of the time.
     
    Well, I don`t know if any of you guys have dealt with being overweight. I don`t even know if any of you can relate even a little bit to what I`ve said so far. Still, I think that no matter who you are or what you do, there will always be someone who tells you who you are and what you are capable of. When I was in college studying to become a baker, a student in the culinary program told me right to my face that no matter how hard I worked I would never find a job (And he was so stuck up about it that I wanted to punch him. Still, I was set to ignore, so that didn`t happen). I think we will be told our place in the world many times before we die. That`s the world. That`s just the way it works.
     
    But that doesn`t mean you can`t do anything. That doesn`t mean it doesn`t get better. Yes, I am still overweight. Yes, people around me still take notice. Yes I can be treated differently because of it. But for the first time in my life I feel comfortable in my own skin. I am 22 and I am employed as a baker. Not only that, but my bosses actually want to keep me around. Go figure. I have no idea what the people who made fun of me or told me who I was are up to now. I honestly don`t care. Karma could punish them, or they could be super rich and popular. It makes no difference to me. I like myself the way I am, and yes, I am imperfect. Yes, I should lose weight and I should probably work on my own personal identity more than I have in the past. But honestly? Right now I'm just glad with who I am. And I know my story doesn`t end here. I`m going to change a lot over the years. That`s what life does. That`s the way it works.
     
    I say bring it on.
  2. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So, I watched a video recently about mlp songs and it pointed out how the instrumentals in "This Day Aria" were really powerful.
     
    I had never listened to the instrumentals alone because I normally don't do that for most songs I listen to. Glad I did for this, though.
     

     
    Note: my music education ended at highschool after playing the flute, so if you don't think it's anything special that's fine by me. I just found this interesting.
     
    GET OFF MY LAWN!
     
    ~Tekulo <3
  3. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Bionice will be a zombie theme next year. Should they return, all of the characters we grew to know and love will be zombies.
     
    Zombie Tahu, Zombie Lewa, Zombie Matoro, etc.
     
    This pleases me...
     
    MUAHAHAHAHA!
     
    ~Melon Lord
  4. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Long story short: Finally just came out to my amazing brothers Akano: Toa of Electricity and KopakaKurahk and they accepted me with zero drama.
     
    So, now that I've told them, there's no reason I need to keep myself closeted here anymore.
     
    I hope this changes nothing for any of you because it seriously shouldn't.
     
    That's really it. You can go back to your lives now. XP
  6. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So, after a few days of trading via GTS Negotiations, I somehow managed to get all of the starters for Kanto and Johto.
     
    No, none of them are shiny.
     
    Anyway, if anyone else here has the game and wants some pokemon, then just let me know sometime. I did put my friend code in my blog a few entries ago.
     
    Let me know if you want an egg, special gender, special nature, etc and I'll see what I can do. No promises for nature or gender, though.
     
    Just to be clear:
     
    Have: Charmander, Squirtle, Bulbasaur, Cyndaqul, Totodile, Chikorita (Additonal starters: Turtwig, Torchic and Treeko).
     
    Wants: Mudkip, Piplup, Chimchar (if you've got 'em). I'll also take pretty much whatever pokemon I don't already have in my pokedex, so you can trade me whatever.
     
    How did I get all of these? I honestly have no clue.
     
    It all started back before color was invented. I had a Metang from my Black version and I traded it, gave it some candy and then it mutated into thing weird thing that wore four cleats. Probably a quarter back or something. Anyway, it had this huuuge X on its face, and I was all "Dude, I bet I could get some serious monsters for this X thingy" and so I traded it for a Meganium, which married my Ditto (Third wife) and so I got Chikorita which I traded for a Cyndaquil... Long story short, I now have my own army and I'll be taking over the Unova region in due time. So, I figured I'll implant some magical high-tech chip into the eggs and when they hatch, the pokemon will be zombified slaves to my will. The problem is, ember doesn't really cut it for world domination, so that's why I'll wait for other trainers to evolve them for me. I only have so many lucky eggs, you know. Plus with the trading boost, the leveling up process will be cut.
     
    Brilliant.
     
    A shiny Pikachu appeared!
     
    Tekulo used Roar.
     
    GET OFF MY LAWN, BILLY!
     
    Pikachu fled.
  9. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Hello and welcome back to Late @ Night With Tekulo!  Yes, that's always been the title of this show.
    After episode one was a rousing success, and popular demand, we are here on episode 2!
    During this holiday season, work has been keeping me busy.  On my days off, however, I feel a bit of unease.  There really isn't much to do here in my hometown.  I have no local friends, no means to get out of the house and really no place to go hang out if I could get out anyway.  I find myself missing living on my own and being more independent.  Sure I took the bus to work, but it was still a good year up until the end.  I used to go for walks, was surrounded by people I thought were friends, but I haven't spoken to them since I left.  Now I'm left with memories of being happy tainted by my own mistakes and regrets.
    But hey, that's in the past.  I'm sure I have lots to look forward to.  Like being alone forever stuck in my hometown where I'm too afraid to dye my hair or wear fun clothing.  
    Right now I'm honestly just surviving.  I feel completely adrift with no idea where to go from here.  
    And yet my story continues...
  10. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Apparently 3:40 in the morning gives my tabs pirate accents. O.e
     
    Anyway, I'm wired. Visiting friends who live far far away results in getting back late. This leads to saying "You know what? Forget it; I'm not sleeping tonight." This leads to late night coffee which leads to productivity on random stuff. That will likely lead to an unhappy Tekulo by tomorrow (Edit: Oh wait... I forgot that it won't be tomorrow... IT WILL BE LATER TODAY! AAAAHHHHHH!). XP
     
    Anyway, it looks like I'll be getting The Zombies set tomorrow in the mail. ^^ I am so happy I'm a LEGO VIP member, and I'm happy I have brothers who help split the cost of a bundle set. ^^ Though, to be fair, I had to pay for all of the shipping (and they wanted all of the big sets! D= Negotiating was brutal, but I at least got a pretty sweet one. ^^ And now The Zombies shall make up for this. 8D)
     
    Anyway, before I go crazy opening the set like my dog when she found a discarded pizza crust on the side of the road during one of our walks (I don't even think she chewed it at all... It just vanished when it touched her mouth. O.o), I will be sure to take some pictures and hopefully I'll do a review. Oh, and I did promise a review of Shelob Attacks didn't I? (I am sure so MANY of my MANY fans of which there are MANY of with their MANY demands of me have been demanding this review... MANY-ly...ish.... Sorry, it just needed another many to get the point across that I have only friends here and no fans. XD Actually, I'm kinda glad for that. XP)
     
    BY VEZON'S PETTICOAT DO I RAMBLE THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING!
     
    Anyway, I think I'll cut off here for tonight.
     
    Watch out for the hail,
     
    ~Tekulo~
     
    (P.S. See that? I added in the squiggly thingies ~ around my name. Can somebody say fancy? XP)
  11. Kaleidoscope Tekulo

    Lately

    By Kaleidoscope Tekulo,

    It's been a while since my last life update.
     
    So, I've started working at a volcano over the summer as a baker. I started as an assistant baker, but after about three or so days, our lead baker walked out on us, presumably for another job. Out of the two assistants left, I was the only one with experience and special training, so I got promoted to the lead baker. It meant a little more work and some new experiences. I'd never been a supervisor before, and managing an assistant turned out to be manageable. It involved training someone with little experience on the job, and it turns out I can be pretty good in a leadership position in my field.
     
    Then about two weeks ago now, my assistant quit on the spot. They decided to go travelling with two other employees who also walked out.
     
    So that leaves me with a lot of baking to do each week. I do get help on Fridays now. The issue there is I get someone with zero experience and I have to train them while also trying to get work done. It's a bit of a challenge, but so far the past two weeks, my work has been getting done on time.
     
    The good news is, I have only one more week of working on my own until I get some help. Two more people have been hired and are on their way. I will have to train them when they get here, but give me a week and I'm sure I can get them up to speed with everything.
     
    The past two weeks have been a lot of work, but it's always worth it to send out good desserts made from scratch. And actually I love that I get to make things from scratch again instead of baking off factory-made dough. It's been a good experience all things considered.
     
    Even so, I have been pretty tired the past couple of weeks from more stress and working so hard. It's gotten kinda rough and there are times where I feel like I hate it here. Actually that attitude started over the past couple of weeks. I mean life up here isn't perfect (employee meals don't always have the best food, there's really slow Internet and no cellphone service, mice are all over the place and TV rooms are either occupied constantly or have a broken TV. So all there is to do is hike which gets exhausting after working on my feet all day. I only hike on my days off), but I honestly didn't mind all that stuff until recently. I'm hoping it's just the bit of bad news that made me feel this way. That actually does sound like me. I'm one of those people where if something goes wrong it puts me in an entirely sour mood.
     
    So, here's hoping things start picking up after this next week. I feel exhausted. Blarg.
     
    ~Lapis Lazuli
  12. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    I will be leaving for an entire week for a family vacation. I hope to go zip-lining and parasailing and have some fun! I am very excited about this development.
     
    I probably will have internet, but I don't want to bog my vacation down by doing nothing online. I leave this Friday and will be back next Saturday/Sunday.
     
    ...
     
    SUCKERS!
     
    MUAHAHAHAHA!
     
    ~Melon Lord
  14. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Alright. So. Drama happened.
     
    It happens. That's life.
     
    I stated in my previous entry that I wanted to use these blog entries to express my personal views on LGBT+ issues. So, what did I do wrong? I censored myself.
     
    While I personally do not identify with trans binary binary trans (I was told "the trans binary" can refer to the binary spectrum. The proper terminology is binary trans), I do still fit into the trans spectrum. While I personally think my identity is subjective, it is still my opinion on who I am the same way my opinion on the issue was my opinion.
     
    I also said the point of these entries was to address issues and represent myself properly. If any of you are offended by anything I say, I am terribly sorry. However, I am a member of this site, and like anyone here I should feel safe to express my opinion. It should not matter to me personally if I am in the majority or minority. That is my opinion. When I censor myself without addressing the issue "why" then I am supporting an idea that someone else gets to decide what I think. Being lumped into a minority of LGBT+, that is where the offense came from. Arguably it is silencing and opression. But it was not the fault of the member who pointed it out. I was the person opressing myself.
     
    So, from here on out, what you see is what you get with these entries. No more erasure. That is my opinion. That is my right as a member of this site. Everyone else here has the same right. I see no reason why my orientation should change that.
     
    Amendment: I reserve the right to edit grammatical mistakes for the purposes to keep the content clear to read. General rule of thumb is standard autocorrect or spellcheck.
     
    Now, as for "this could be offensive to the trans people I offended" I feel I should address the fact that I asked a personal binary trans friend of mine what his opinions are on how I handled things went. He advised me to treat this as a learning experience. I agree with that sentiment, as I have stated in my previous entry.
     
    Basically, no matter which way you look at it, I share blame in what took place for allowing things to spiral out of control. I am trying to learn and move past it.
     
    I know this is tedious, but if you disagree please bear with me here. I am still learning. And I do encourage respectful debate. Another point of these entries is to nitpick my opinions and allow me to become more open minded and to learn. Please be respectful to each other in the comments.
     
    Now then. I have made blog entries in the past about Eastern Philosophy. I have seen a few comments popping up about that. It's true, there is something about the concept I find interesting. However, as many people in the blog comments pointed out, there were flaws with my logic.
     
    So, why am I interested in that philosophy? Well, when it boils down to it; I really can't say myself. Maybe it's escapism from my personal prejudice. Maybe it's because I genuinely like philosophy. At any rate, my friends have told me over the years that I remind them of a philosopher. Personally I think it's an interesting thought. I don't deny I do like philosophical studies. The Ship of Theseus, ideas behind Quantum Physics, even religions to an extent. While I personally am not an expert on religions, I have been told Eastern Religions tend to be more philosophical. So, maybe that's where that's coming from? Who knows.
     
    At any rate, I do like articulating my thoughts. It helps me deal with seeing blatant contrary evidence everywhere I look. I've said before it's why I like playing devil's advocate. I believe there are two sides to every story on some level.
     
    I am gay because I say I am gay.
     
    I am nonbinary because I say I am nonbinary.
     
    I am a man because I say I am a man.
     
    I am a member of this site because I say I am a member of this site.
     
    I am a human being because I say I am a human being.
     
    I am a living organism because I say I am a living organism.
     
    I think therefore I am.
     
    Those are differring levels to my personal subjective identity. I think all humans can connect on some level the same way all living things can connect on some level.
     
    So, when I see two people who are so similar from any walk of life disagree... I literally see two sides of the same coin harming each other unintentionally.
     
    When two members of the LGBT+ community fight and censor each other, I see one human censoring another human. When I see a person whose orientation is ambiguous or straight call out a member of the LGBT+ community, I see a human being calling a human being an insensitive word. When I see a member of the LGBT+ community call someone a bigot, I see a human being calling another human being an insensitive word. We can argue the pedantics until the cows come home; ultimately it's a problem.
     
    Look, everyone. We are all members on this site. We're also different people. Everyone clashes heads from time to time. It happens. And yes, every situation is different, and one person's pain cannot be measured to another's, but let's not just overlook the fact that two people are in pain.
     
    I see this everywhere I look. This is me trying to say I've personally had enough. Just because of my personal views, I see no reason why I cannot have faith.
     
    Edit:
    Via anonymous. I agree with this viewpoint. This is how I personally use the word "bigot." This is why I do not like throwing it around loosely. People's instinctive emotions can cloud their judgement easily, especially when they have a condition. 
    Personal here: I have recently started anxiety medication. One of the side effects is being more jittery in general. If I come across as over-emotional lately, I apologize. But this is also my point. Not everyone knows about my medication or my orientation if I leave it ambiguous. Defining yourself is one thing. Defining somebody else can be quite another.
  15. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Okay, so, I was meaning to make this entry a little while ago, but seeing as I just got caught up with the latest episode, it's probably just as well.
     
    MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD so I'll be putting them in spoiler tags. Normally I'm just vague about the subjects, but this is serious business.
     
     
    GET OFF MY FIRE NATION!
     
    ~Zuko <3
  17. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    Spoilers ahead for my alleged "fanfiction" however I wanted to write a story where the toa came to life and started helping people in our world. Where they came out of the story and touched the lives of people in order to do some good.
     
    So, to everyone who has been reading my blog and following from the start; congratulations! ^^
     
    So, I have a theory for one of my toa characters; Sida (see-duh). I've always been told I make good characters. Turns out I'm a natural thespian and storyteller. Go figure. XD. The way I make my characters, always, always, always, has been by shedding a part of my personal identity and then trying to put that part of my identity to words. I draw from life what I put on the screen and on the paper. It's just who I am. This has been like, the biggest help in figuring out my identity (turns out I identify as something like Demisexual. It's kinda what I always wanted to be. XD). I've been around people in the medical field my entire life. Turns out I picked up on a bunch of stuff. ^^
     
    So, I wanted to reflect this in Sida. I think I see the most of myself in her right now. This is an exchange between my OC's based on my current life experience. The characters I center this around are Tanu, Miln, and Sida (by far some of my favorite characters yet in my BIONICLE headcanon). This takes place shortly after The Melding, and is a prequel for a collaborative project from The Ambage titled "Volition"
     
    Miln - saw the child in myself with her. MaLNutrItion. She has loads of room to grow.
    Tanu - like TAhU but Not quite (h is taller than n. Tahu is very hot-headed, and while Tanu is a toa of Plasma, he has far greater power and has learned the dangers of it first-hand).
    Sida - will be explained later.
     
     
     
     
    Now, this would tie in nicely, I think, with my earlier fanfiction "Dare to Dream"
     
     
    So, trans-spectrum members in particular; I am asking this time; As a parent-in-training, do you think this sounds like a good idea?
     
    Take care,
    Tekulo (the first name I ever gave to myself. Playing with syllables got me interested in Eastern language. I found out my birth-name, ultimately, is a derivative of "child" in English. Go figure. XD. But it also had a different meaning, and that was the one I was more interested in at the time) It was just so... interesting. So, I guess what I've been trying to say this whole time is... Happy Naming Day, BZPower. ^^)
  18. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    I just need to rant for a bit. So, recently Once Upon a Time (finally) introduced a LGBT+ couple into the show. And the writing for it was lack-luster, but I don't think it was because the couple was LGBT+ but more so that the show's writing has been pretty much awful for a while now.
     
    Once is a show I watch with my family. We watched it then and no one made any comments. And to be fair, while it was bad writing, the relationship itself was cute enough and harmless. My biggest gripe is that one episode is not enough to develop a true love relationship fully.
     
    Now flash forward to today and someone told me there were people who speculated that in Frozen 2, Elsa should have a woman for a love interest. My response?
     
    "Hmm, yeah I could see that."
     
    My reasoning being I think Elsa's story, namely how she kept a part of her identity hidden (her ice powers) from everyone including her own sister could be considered parallel with being closeted for an LGBT+ person. And that's not really solid for saying Elsa isn't heterosexual, but personally I think it fits and I would be fine if that's the direction the movie went.
     
    Anyway, my response was met with a look of disgust and the phrase "No, not everyone is gay."
     
    Hah. Well thank you for that brilliant insight. I will truly need to reflect on that. Boy golly I sure learned a bloody lesson today. That put me in my place. Oh, and by the by;
     
    NOT EVERYBODY IS HETEROSEXUAL, BUT NOBODY EVER TOLD THAT TO DISNEY!
     
    Number of openly LGBT+ characters in Disney: Zero
     
    Number of LGBT+ role models I had growing up so I didn't think I was a freak and gave me even the slightest bit of "don't freak out it will be okay" mentality? Zero.
     
    No instead I got a giant parade of heterosexuality trapsing around me, and then when I found out I was gay it all turned to a big deal. So big that my closest family members didn't know I was gay until less than a year ago. Heck, I still worry that I'm going to be a victim of a hate crime.
     
    It's not like those LGBT+ kids need any form of support. It's not like the kid with two moms needs to see that their family can be represented as normal. It's not like I needed to feel like a regular human being growing up.
     
    But hey "why do we need to expose children to that anyway?"
     
    Yeah, it's not like that group is being bullied to death in their youth or anything.
     
    And as for the LGBT+ ship in Once? "Yeah, that was just too much for me."
     
    And it's not like I have anyone in my family to talk about this stuff with, because if it hasn't become apparent by now in this entry, my family just does not understand anything about this area.
     
    A list of every LGBT+ member of my family: me
     
    So yeah I kinda hate the world right now. Seriously, screw that place.
  20. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So I've been out here at my new job for about two weeks now. The weather up until recently has been very snowy and cold. I am very ready for summer now and heat. Though I hear it does get hot up here, so I might be facing both ends of the weather spectrum during my time here.
     
    My co-workers seem nice. I spent part of the day getting pizza with some of them. Though there was one guy who did make a gay joke in poor taste. Being the shy idiot I am who doesn't want to stir up drama, I didn't say anything. If it happens again I'll try to mention those jokes bother me and ask him to hold off on them around me.
     
    So the weather has cleared up recently. I even went hiking a couple times. I got a bunch of great pictures too. Though pictures of the mountains hardly compare to seeing them in person. If only I were a better artist I might be able to capture what they really look like...
     
    My job is going well. While I'm an assistant baker right now I'm probably going to be the lead baker soon. Due to certain circumstances our previous lead baker is no longer here and I'm the only one remaining with special training and experience. Basically it will look very good on a resume if I can make this work.
     
    Other than that I do miss my cats and I boop pictures of them on my phone. I've been reading A Wolf Called Romeo which is a pretty sad and yet enchanting story thus far. I've also been reading Brothers Grimm fairy tales because I'm a dork about those stories.
     
    Overall though I've been feeling happier than I've felt in a long time. It's good to be working again and I'm in a really beautiful place with friendly people. I really can't complain too much.
     
    ~Lapis
  21. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    So, the summer season is coming to an end. For those who don't care about my personal life up until now, I spent the summer working at a volcano. It's beautiful up here and I was fortunate enough to explore and and see the sights. I've had one of the most beautiful areas of the world as my back yard these past few months, and that's been pretty cool.
     
    I started as an assistant baker. However, after a few days our lead baker left the company. That meant I got a promotion, being the only one in the bakery with experience and a degree in baking and patisserie. I was put in charge of an assistant, who later left, then was replaced with a good friend of mine who got hired on. It's been... interesting working with someone who knows me personally. It's been a good thing and a bad thing.
     
    Also my friend did out me to one person up here. Which was kinda terrible. Mostly because after recent events this year I've felt progressively less safe and have decided to remain closeted because I don't want to deal directly with homophobic people. And because I don't feel safe. Which is terrible.
     
    BUT ANYWAY I recently was preoccupied with a plated dessert for a wine tasting. I made a raspberry parfait, covered with Italian meringue (which I got to use a blowtorch to toast it! Super fun working with fire. MUAHAHAHAHAHA), raspberry sauce, fresh berries and macaroons. All of which I made from scratch. It all looked very nice, and it seemed to be well received.
     
    Currently I have only one more work day left. I leave this place on Friday and fly back home on Saturday. It will be nice to have fast internet again (or even moderate speed for Internet would be nice), and it will be good to see my cats again.
     
    However, I have no plans for the winter, have no idea where to start looking for jobs, and oh my glob I am going to end up a hobo one of these days. Stressing out about the future is always fun. Great. Fan-freaking-tastic.
     
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
     
    Still though, it's been a lovely summer. After the year I had in 2015, this has been a welcome change of pace, and I will definitely miss some of the friends I've made here.
     
    Here's to moving on.
     
    GET OFF MY LAWN!
    ~Lapis
  22. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    I can't sleep tonight.
     
    I dunno, lately I've just felt... well, I'm really not sure how to put it. I guess a word that comes close is "uninspired." I've just noticed that lately I just don't feel as passionate about things that I used to. The things I used to love are just sort of there now. Like white noise.
     
    I'm not sure if it's depression or if it's just me changing or what. I mean, I know I'm not normal or anything. Like I've always been rough on myself, telling myself that I'll never be able to have things like a relationship or ever be a guy that's happy-go-lucky. I mean, what if my illness came back, and I'm with someone that has to deal with me rocking back and forth while I'm panicking for no reason... And it's not like I'm attractive or ambitious or will ever be successful or all that smart. And yeah, that's a pretty poor attitude to have and all, but hey that's what those years of bullying in school made me start thinking and it's turned into a pretty nasty habit, so what are you gonna do?
     
    But even with all of that aside, things never quite felt like this before. To be honest I've felt this way since my dog died last year. I dunno, I guess even when I went through being bullied or even when I got really bad depression she was always there. She was my best and oldest friend. And you know, being home still and not having her around to share my food with and not seeing her paw prints in the snow and not having her around, I really notice her not being here.
     
    It sort of feels like life without color. I used to be the guy who, against all odds, wanted to spite the world and be happy anyway. But now it just feels like I've lost that fight in me. The only thing that really felt emotionally rewarding was when I got offered my summer job.
     
    Eh, I think I'll have a talk about this with my doctor when I see them next.
  23. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    On Thursday, May 28, 2015 my dog of fifteen years was hit by a cable truck and passed away in my care.
     
    Earlier that morning, I was off work. It's been raining a lot lately and so business has been slow in the local food industry. Memorial Day, being a national holiday in America, has also sent work schedules off for people who work 9-5 jobs. Memorial Day was the first holiday I have had off work in around two years because the nature of my work demands that I work holidays. And I knew what I was getting into there. Days off work are a luxury to me around national holidays, and so Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day (my birthday, oddly enough), and basically every other day I work have started feeling more like... well, any regular day. Just busier.
     
    So, after that whole scare with my anxiety meds, I needed to start taking it easy. So I've been gardening and whistling and spending time with my pets. I've been picking up litter in the yard; weeding; helping the ants outside so they wouldn't feel the need to come into the house... you know, just small things that helped me deal with stress.
     
    Our trash pick-up service has been on a weird schedule lately. Sometimes they come in the morning, sometimes they come in the afternoon. They pick up the trash on Wednesdays, but the holiday pushed everything back a day.
     
    I woke up that morning early, probably around seven on my own. My cats were antsy, and they tried bolting out the door. One of them succeeded. We have lost cats to the road before when I was a kid. These two are now indoor cats. He made it down to the parked car off the porch until I managed to slowly creep up to him, lightly snapping my fingers and looking him in the eyes; and then I managed to snatch him up and bring him inside. I put a jester collar on one for trying to leave the house, and a pet harness on the other to try and tell him that if he wanted to go outside, he would need to learn how to walk properly in that bewitching contraption.
     
    I put a leash on him and tried walking him up and down the stairs.
     
    Now, Jewel, being the jealous doggie she always had been, was feeling neglected. So, I decided to walk outside with her and do some gardening. We have an invisible fence and she had been trained not to wander off. However, she was always hopping that fence by wearing out her collar's battery and then running off. This has happened on walks when her collar has snapped and she ran off into the road.
     
    I was trying to get a battery out of an old solar hybrid lantern and I walked up to the road to toss it into the garbage. Jewel must have thought we were going for a walk. I didn't see her until she was flying across the road. She was always quiet when she was getting into trouble. I ran into the road without thinking and pulled her into the grass out front. She was still alive, and opening up... She never moaned or whined... She just tried to move her jaw to talk to me... And I just kept my hand on her head and told her it was going to be okay. It wasn't long until she was gone.
     
    The guy who hit her stopped and I asked him to call someone. This one woman working for a veterinary hospital nearby stopped with a broken hand and helped me. I gave her Jewel's collar with her tags and she comforted me. The man who hit her helped me get her into a bag. I told her to keep the remains until I had spoken to my family. I said my goodbyes. I decided to plant a memorial garden where she was buried. We picked her up later that day, and I buried her with the shirt I was wearing when it happened. I filled it with an old pair of my shorts, and food from every last meal I shared with her (yogurt, cheese sticks, pizza, etc). I got the idea, I think, from an old Gary Paulsen book I read when I was in middle school. There was this custom hunters had where they would cut off the head of the animal they killed and put the food they ate in the mouth as a sign of respect. Well, I am not cutting off her head, thanks. But, I guess it just makes me feel like I'm keeping her close.
     
    She helped me a lot through my first two depressions and all of my anxiety. She was my best friend and my most loyal companion for the past fifteen years. She died acting like she was still a curious little doggie. I owe her fifteen years at the very least.
     
    I want to plant some pine out back. She loved exploring and running and staying cool in the shade. I think she would like that.
     
    ...
     
    The splatter is still on the road in front of my family's house. This has just brought up too many painful memories to deal with all at once. Everyone gets at least one moment in their lives that, no matter how hard they want to forget, they just know it's impossible, and then they finally make their peace with it. This is just one that isn't going to heal for me.
     
    I'm... handling this as best I can. I'm not relapsing into depression. I've been talking a lot with friends and my family has been very supportive. I've just been trying really hard lately with everything; getting a new job and going through a frustrating interview process, and then working on my family situation and figuring out my orientation, and trying to be healthy despite being called pretentious for not wanting to die of a heart attack (which is basically what going into culinary arts was based off of initially for me. I've always had weak lungs, and after that it's always one problem after another), and then I had to take care of my dog because everyone in my family is just so busy with work because of the economy and things changing like crazy...
     
    I just need a fresh start after all of this.
     
    Ultimately I was there for her when she needed me the most. And now I'm just trying to make the most out of an unfortunate situation.
     
    And that's it.
     
    That's all this is, and that's all I've ever been trying to do on some level.
     
    I don't care about marriage, I don't care much for any particular religion, really, and I don't care about people telling me what I should and shouldn't like. I get to decide who I love, not my orientation. I get to decide how to bury my dog, not the government. I get to decide what the most important thing in this world is to me, not any book. And right now I am just... so, so tired and only at age twenty three.
     
    Found a four-leaf clover today when I was visiting her out back. My luck is ridiculously stupid. It's annoying.
     
    I plucked it by the roots and planted it with my avocado sapling. It's been growing for about a year now.
     
    ...
     
    I might be gone a while. I need to watch the heck out of some Markiplier videos right now. =\
  24. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    I just got back home from the movies. I'm normally not a movie person, personally. Movies tend to be about heteronormative romances on the side of some other quirk designed to sell tickets for whatever special effects the industry wants to show off this time. Okay, maybe that's a tad unfair because I'm not a movie person, but that's how I generally view them. And it's not like I dislike every movie. But mostly I stick to Disney movies. That has changed lately as I am now a bus ride or a decent walk away from a movie theater these days. And hey, I actually have an income now, so I can actually justify going out to enjoy my life. I digress.
     
    When I first heard that this movie was about a gay romance with a PG-13 rating, I pretty much knew I was going to see it. LGBT movies tend to be too trashy or too heartbreaking or too esoteric for me to notice. Granted I haven't seen too many of them, but in general none of them really quite fit. It's kind of like "even when it's LGBT oriented it still doesn't really pertain to me." Maybe I've just seen the wrong movies.
     
    So my experience started when I first entered the theater. I was second in line at the ticket booth. I had gotten there about twenty minutes before the theater opened for the afternoon (they open 15 minutes before the first movie is scheduled to air). After I got a small soda and popcorn, I was the first person in the theater. Now, I live in a more conservative area so I honestly wasn't sure if anyone else was going to show (even though it was opening weekend for Love, Simon).
     
    The first group to walk in was this group of teenagers. Not wanting to be a total creep, I didn't make eye contact, something I rarely do with anyone I don't personally know, and I browsed my phone. I couldn't help overhearing them, however. They were talking about whether or not they had come out to their family. Most of them had, but one of them said they hadn't. "My mom thinks I'm confused." One of them said and in response their friend said "Hahaha, it's cute that [she] thinks that." They talked about their orientations "I'm pan." "I'm grey asexual" and so on. One of them made a point to say that none of their group was heterosexual.
     
    This struck a chord with me. I had known there were other kids who were out when I was going to school. I decided to remain closeted for a long period of my life. I went through most of my younger days dealing with everything on my own. It was difficult at the time. It made me really happy just to overhear these young adults. Throughout the entire movie they were reacting (just like I was) to the events onscreen.
     
    Most of the people who came in after that seemed to be young women. There was one elderly couple.
     
    One thing the theater seemed to lack were problematic men. That suited me just fine.
     
    After the previews aired, the countdown for the movie started. I honestly didn't realize how excited I was to see this movie until just before it started. I was really optimistic. For the first time ever, t h e... f i r s t... t i m e... e v e r, I felt like I was seeing a movie that was made for someone like me. Even if I wound up not liking the movie, which I knew was a very real possibility, I knew that this was something that I never had before. Going to the movie theater to see a movie about a gay teen as the average joe. I never thought I'd have that experience, so to actually have it... I don't even know what words to use to describe how that felt.
     
    As for the movie? Well, without spoiling anything, I have to say I really enjoyed it. I wish I had seen a movie like this one when I was still a questioning teenager. It touches base on a fair amount of issues that I personally related to, even if they weren't exactly the same situations. There was more than one scene where I felt like "Oh, Simon, I feel you, bro" and there was definitely more than one scene that got an emotional reaction out of me. In my opinion this movie doesn't waste a single minute of its screen time.
     
     
    After the movie my head was filled with so many thoughts. This was an incredible experience and all it took was one movie that did a good job representing someone like me.
     
    -Tekulo
  25. Kaleidoscope Tekulo
    My brother Kopaka Kurahk will be visiting... He'll be here tomorrow...
     
    And worse.
     
    He has backup... After about three days of weakening my defenses, Akano: Toa of Electricity will arrive to finish the job...
     
    I... I don't have much time... D'=
     
    It's been so wonderful knowing all of you... Before I go, I just want to say-
     
    GET OFF MY LAWN!
    ~Tekulo <3
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