Cederak
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Posts posted by Cederak
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Thank you to the BZPower staff for choosing my short story as a Member Creation Spotlight piece, and thanks to everyone who stopped by to read it!
Thanks, Click. Our story ideas seem to be purely coincidental, as I had to check your sig to figure out what Bionicle: Next Generation was. As I said earlier in the topic, I am already working on expanding this into an epic and I hope to begin posting it in late Spring sometime. Glad to hear you enjoyed this though - I'm actually interested in seeing your League-era story when you begin posting it. There's so many stories that can be told during that time, so I'm very curious to see where you'll be going with it.-CedAre you a member of Bionicle: Next Generation by any chance? Because I just posted there that I was working on a League of Six Kingdoms story too! I agree, there isn't much about this era, which is why I was writing about it too.This was really well written, and I hope you do turn it into an epic. This could easily fill out at least two or three chapters to get a few more details in there, some internal struggles, and a bunch more stuff. This would be awesome as a quiet herder becomes a thief and starts a new life. I would love to hear about these new places and the scenery in them that the piraka admire so much.Even though this could easily translate into an epic, it's still really good as a short story. It didn't seem too short or rushed, but not too long either. The plot was creative, and the descriptions really filled out what could have taken place in a few paragraphs. I also loved the colors you used, and wish there was some MOCs of these guys. All in all, great story, and I hope to see more!
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The Outlaws and the Dream by Cederak.I've never used the SSCC before (mostly because it didn't exist when my SS writing days were more active), but better late than never. Thanks.-Ced
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I have actually encountered the problem you're talking about. It has happened while using a desktop (my own and a friend's), laptop, Internet Explorer, Chrome, Firefox, and Safari too. It only happens on BZPower, though, and not all of the time. While I like to have everything typed out before I format anything, there are occasions when something needs to be edited, and that's when the issue shows up. Looking at some of the responses to this topic, I'm led to believe this is a strictly BZPower-related problem.-Ced
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I'd have to say Than the Moa. He used to have a higher quality version of the N7 logo, but I like the current one too.-Ced
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Library - all three sectors.-Ced
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Well, after 11 years, I found myself writing so much here in the library, and that became the most important place for me. I've written comedies, epics, short stories, spent time as an epic critic, and now I run that very tiny program. BZPower and Bionicle, while giving me an outlet, also inspired me to work at becoming a better writer - an ability which I now use to help others become better writers.-Ced
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I used to use the friends system for communicating with BZPers that I talked with often. Alas, most of them are no longer active. So now its used mostly to keep in contact with epic critics - which is useful.-Ced
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Thank you two for looking over this. I wanted to let the both of you know that I've decided to turn this into an epic, actually. No idea when it'll show up here, but it's something I know I'll enjoy writing.-Ced
As a short story, I completely agree, it's structured all wrong. I put it here in SS because placing a single chapter of what feels like an epic (without originally intending to write more) just felt wrong. I think once I write this out further, and edit some of this section, it'll take on that darker tone you were looking for and give a better sense of Adrinor's motives. You also referred to the main character as a her, forcing me to realize that I never designated Adrinor with a gender. I'll have to fix that as well. Thanks for reading!Wow. This is epic.In the truest sense of the word. It is so good that I want to read more. You should do an epic with this.For an short story, however, it is slightly stunted; you place more focus on character and description than plot; if this was the first chapter for an epic the descriptions would largely be appreciated, but in an short story needs to focus on a minimum of description and be a bit more plot driven.I like how you describe the main character's emotions over this scene, bringing it to life for the reader, but do we need to know details about the piraka (such as their names, etc) when that isn't as important to the story you are telling (a matoran going rogue). If the story were to stand on its own, I feel that there should be more dark emotions and the whole thing being a bit more of an ominous tone.The main character tends to feel like a defensive person; she says "I'm a dreamer.". Don't tell us that; show us that. You did a better job with the Piraka on that, characterizing them through dialogue instead of telling us. And Tenema...if it was an epic I could understand the flyby, but this is a short story. Why does the main character just up and leave him, other than the fact she 'wants' freedom. Is Tanema an oppressive tyrant? Your character is interesting...usually when people want freedom, they want it from what? Monotony? Boredom? You mention boredom as a condition, but I don't feel that along with your character. It almost would be nice if you started the story from the day before or had the character engage in a bit of Mahi herding, then go to the office. That way the audience can get a feel for how boring this is, and why your character wants to leave. Besides, it makes better sense that way; these are valuable Rahi; she's not going to just turn them loose without at least making sure they are settled in, right?Now that I think on it, you would likely be better off showing us the scene from the middle of the story first (Tanema imprisoned in his hut with the Piraka) and inserting backstory later. That's just an idea of mine; if you shock the reader from the first line to bring them in, they will be more likely to read your story (and less likely to be bored reading it. I wasn't, but somebody else...).Anyway, good story, keep writing, hope my advice helped, etc.
Y'know, you mentioned the lack of "story and substance" during the reign of the League, and that was the initial inspiration for this. I've always been curious about that time as well, and this seemed like an interesting way to play with a bit of that. I'll agree that Adrinor could use a better transition in his views, and I'll have to work on that. Glad I painted a colorful picture for you though, and I suppose I was a pretty thorough editor too. I can't say when this will arrive in the epic sub-forum, but I'll let you know when it does. Thanks for reading!Hey, so I have a lot to say about this here piece of work.First off, I liked it, and I would like to see this expanded into an epic, as other reviewers have said. It's a good story as a oneshot, but if you decided to expand upon it, I really think it could be awesome.I'm saying this based on the amount of thought you seemed to have put into this. For example, all the new species and locations you've got figured out, it’s kind of sad that all that we don’t get to see more of them. I really like the atmosphere you’ve created within the Matoran Universe and it would be great to see it continued.Another thing I think could be expanded on is the reference to the League of Six Kingdoms. Since there’s a deficiency of story and substance about that particular era, at least that I’ve noticed, this story would be a great way to fill that hole in my imagination. One more thing that could use a little more stage-time, so to speak, is Boomer, IMO. He really added color and oomph to the mood of the story.Adrinor’s life after turning Piraka would make for good epic material, and I’d love to see his character develop more, as well as maybe get some insight into his mind. It may just be me, but he seemed to make the transition from a small town country shepherd with big dreams to a rebellious Piraka tagalong rather quickly. Like, I noticed he went from loathingly shaking the Piraka’s hand and impulsively defending his employer to a rifle-wielding ruffian who disdismisses his old employer’s corpse without so much as a hiccup. It sets him up as a character with great potential, but with just a short story to flesh him out, I’m not sure he’s living up to all of said potential.I know it’s a lot, asking for an epic, but I honestly would love to see it happen.Ugh, it probably sounds like I hated the story. It’s not true, I promise!The thing I especially liked was how you portrayed the Matoran Universe. I may have touched on this before, but the atmosphere you’ve set up is wonderful. It’s kind of like a combination of medieval-ish (with the rahi-herding and all) and futuristic (the laser rifles, biomechs, etc), and it’s just really free and boundless. Also, the vivid descriptions caught my eye, especially when the armor colors were being depicted. Onyx, topaz, violet, ruby, obsidian, lime green, midnight blue, emerald, frost white, royal purple, etc, etc, you catch my drift. Beautiful.And, what also was great about this SS is that I couldn’t find any grammar or spelling mistakes. Kudos!Even if you don’t go through with the epic, good work has been done here. Thanks for a good read, and I hope to read more from you!
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Heh, never gotten that reaction before. XD Anyway, enjoy your review. And thanks for coming to the ECC.-Ced
A review from the guy in charge? AHH! I have to clean the house first.*runs off to grab a sword, multiple rat traps, and a few flamethrowers*
Okay, I guess this one is mine.1) Into the Darkness2) Darkness Brought to light: Review for Into the Darkness3) 3 (for now, of course.)
Expect a review sometime in the next 24 hours.-Ced -
Hello Kal Grochi, here is your official ECC review. As a first note, it probably wouldn't hurt to have a link leading from your epic to your review topic. Just a thought. Anyway, before I dive into the story you're weaving, I should address the grammatical and spelling issues.
My best guess is that you were trying to say 'I should probably get there fast,' but I wasn't entirely sure."If the Turaga wants me to see it, I'd probably get there fast."
Doctor is only capitalized when you're referring to the specific doctor. As in, Doctor Kal Grochi. As opposed to, Kal Grochi used to be the doctor in [insert town here].He was the resident Doctor of the island, after all.
It would help the flow here if you dropped the ellipsis and started a new sentence. You seem to make a habit of using an ellipsis when a comma is the right tool for the job.center of his palm...and a small flame shot out,
This was the second issue I stumbled upon. You tend to use commas where no pause is necessary. You're interrupting your flow.If you're concerned enough, I noticed multiple instances where you failed to capitalized Matoran, Toa, and Turaga. A quick Ctrl+F scan of your chapters should help you ensure it doesn't happen.He growled, and smashed down a timber
You just said that a few lines prior, coming from Grantuur. Maybe try a different phrase?"Oh, calm down, both of you," a Toa of Water said,
hyped-upGrantuur snorted at the thought of that hiped-up,
I'll let youIf you beat me there I let you order me around for a whole day."
Akilini is a proper noun.most important akilini game in the domes.
ThereforeGetting to the story behind your words now, I found that your review topic responses filled me in on the location. Aki-Nui. That should be addressed in your epic somewhere. It feels like a lot of islands with a standard formula - a Turaga (or several) with Matoran fulfilling their daily tasks. Of course, these stories often tend to become an adventure of some kind, and the Toa Stones serve the purpose of turning a couple regular Matoran into daring, brazen Toa.Their transformation brought Legends of Metru Nui to the forefront of my mind as I read it, able to visualize the scene from that movie, only with Grantuur and Dendron in their place. It left me a little disappointed that their reactions weren't more awestruck, lacking a distinct level of surprise. Even Grantuur's first words following this (Well Dendron, it seems we're Toa!) fall short somehow.It'd be like a child suddenly finding himself standing twice as tall and merely remarking, "Well, it seems I'm an adult!" There's a notable shock missing there, don't you agree?Moving on, my next question came right in the opening of Chapter 1. How much time passed between the prologue and Chapter 1's beginning? Onuzek and Ryllia receive no real explanation as to why they're there, how long they've been Toa, or any back-story at all. You manage to completely ignore their history and continue moving forward, briefly discussing an initiative to leave for the Northern Continent. I was also curious why they're the Toa Iden, but I have a feeling it may be connected to more events that were leapt over between the prologue and Chapter 1 - a gap in storyline that desperately needs some clarification.You're willing to open the box with your writing though, and I must compliment that. For example, Ryllia and Grantuur are boyfriend and girlfriend in a universe that canonically has no such relationships, but it's interesting all the same. They're an odd couple for sure, but their dynamic certainly has time to change as the story goes on.And just as I was finishing up, I noticed 'recalcitrant.' Now there's a word I don't run across often, but it is absolutely appropriate in its usage here.Overall, you have a few points that need working on, but this ship isn't going to sink on you. Take your time as you edit, and make sure your dialogue is smooth and not contrived. If you must, read it aloud to yourself. Keep at it, Kal Grochi.Therefor, the bet was off.
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Okay, I guess this one is mine.1) Into the Darkness2) Darkness Brought to light: Review for Into the Darkness3) 3 (for now, of course.)
Expect a review sometime in the next 24 hours.-Ced
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There are inner circles all over the separate sub-forums. I don't make a point of trying to see what's going on with all of them, or most of them for that matter. My time here has become pretty constrained to the Library, and while its not as busy as it once was, it's enough for me.-Ced
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I have ECC critic Aderia: Toa of Ducklings assigned to your work. And while your epic is a bit extensive, I can promise her critique will include some pointers on improving your "creative writing skills." That's why we're here, after all...-Ced1) The Best Kept Secrets2) Review topic3) 10Feel free to be as critical as possible, this epic is a little project to exercise my creative writing skills. It'd be nice to get some reception out of it.
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If the ECC were a busier place, I think I'd request that asking for another review come after a certain number of additional chapters have been posted. As you can see from this topic though, we are far from busy. I'm next on the critiquing cycle, and I'd be happy to read your epic. And then, once you've posted a bit more of your story, I'm sure one of the other critics will have a look at it (with a second opinion as well).I have a quick question. If I ask for a review on a current epic I'm co-authoring with, and give the number of chapters, can I get another review after I've posted say five more? Or will that be convenient? =/ I read a little up there on the rules and couldn't find anything about multiple reviews.
-Ced
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And thank you for coming to the ECC, Voxumo. I have critic Hahli Historian assigned to your epic, so expect a review any day now.-Ced1.) Story Name + linkThe Switch Mirror the linkhttp://www.bzpower.c...p?showtopic=9722.) Review topic linkhttp://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=9713.) Number of Chapterscurrently there is 9 chaptersthank you very much for your time
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Yeah, sure, I can do $25. PM me your info again so I can get it sent out, and I'll give you a shipping price later today.-Cedi'm interest in these.MoviesBionicle: Mask of Light - The Movie - $5Bionicle 2: Legends of Metru Nui - $5Bionicle 3: Web of Shadows - $5Bionicle Comics #7-27 - $15But, would you take a total of 25.00 shipped?
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After very successfully selling off a good portion of my Bionicle items, I have a few things remaining. As with my last topic, this is not a trade topic. I am only looking to profit monetarily from my Bionicle items.About Purchasing: The buyer must pay for shipping fees, and items will be shipped once payment is received. I will accept payment through a money order or Paypal.So here's what's left.Book Guides + ComicsThe Official Guide to Bionicle - $3Bionicle Metru Nui Guide - $3Bionicle Rahi Guide - $3Bionicle Dark Hunters Guide - $3Bionicle World Guide - $3Feel free to voice any questions, comments, or concerns. Or PM me if need be.-Ced
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The epic version, Cenotaphs has been posted. You can go check it out if you're interested.
This is an idea I have been toying around with for a while, and it may even be expanded to become an epic at some point. Anyway, enjoy.
My name is Adrinor and I was born in the universe of the Great Spirit, Mata Nui. This place has been my home for thousands of years now, living and working among my fellow biomechs. I can assure you, there's nothing special about me. I wasn't gifted with elemental power, enhanced with immeasurable strength, or granted mental functions beyond what most others possess. For all intents and purposes, I am ordinary.
In the early days of my life, the universe functioned without order. It was common knowledge that Mata Nui presided over every land, silently, invisibly watching us. Those who might dare to break his laws had to be captured and sentenced by their brethren. Some took it upon themselves to uphold the law, and while Toa were the Great Spirit's chosen guardians, there were others who believed Toa were ineffective. There were those who would kill for Mata Nui, to rid our universe of undesirables. This system remained relatively effective for some time, until our maker implemented a change.
Mata Nui eventually decided to allow a half dozen biomechs to maintain order in his universe. Kalmah, Carapar, Takadox, Ehlek, Mantax, and Pridak were chosen for the task, but interpreted it for themselves. The peaceful era of their rule was short-lived, and they quickly began to conquer Mata Nui's many realms and divide the lands separately. Our protectors had become warlords, Barraki, that valued nothing but conquest and power. In time, the Barraki came together and formed the League of Six Kingdoms - an event so long ago, I can hardly remember it.
So instead, I'd like to tell you something still fresh in my mind. It began on a sunny morning, nearly fourteen thousand years after the League's inception. This is the story of my pursuit of a dream and the price some of us pay for our freedom.
<<<>>>
The skies above the Southern Continent were alive with fiery streaks of orange and glints of cherry red when I awoke in my cabin. As I stared up at the ceiling, I mentally prepared myself for the day ahead. I was a dreamer, and to be honest, I always have been. Resigning myself to an existence of expected monotony was not my ideal life, but it was modest work. Sitting upright in my bed, I tossed off the covers and unlocked the door to the cabin. Taking a glance at myself in the mirror on the far wall, I smiled at the reflection. As a male Meldin, I had a Toa-like frame, though my body armor (colored crimson and ivory) was thinner. I also lacked elemental powers. Grabbing a few tools from my worktable, I walked out the door and immediately found myself at work. Before me was a vast expanse of fields and the faint stench of unclean Rahi - Mahi to be specific.
The Torema Mahi Ranch supplied materials for making tools to crafters as far as Xia, and the occasional visit from far-flung lands like Nynrah. There were many grievances with the fact that the League of Six Kingdoms presently ran much of the world, but their armies needed weapons, and we had the supplies. I didn't concern myself with how they were used, but I always hoped to fashion a weapon of my own from Mahi horn. The horns never made weaponry of the same caliber as protosteel or anything, but most of our clientele had no intention of shredding through super-reinforced armor.
A familiar Rahi came bounding up to me, barking like crazy. One of Torema's Hapaka, Boomer, had taken a liking to me. The creature received its nickname from its ability to command the Mahi herds with a more booming sound than the other Hapaka on the ranch. I bent down to pet Boomer a few times on the head before continuing on my journey to the Mahi pens, closely trailed by the eager Rahi.
A slight breeze whistled its way into the ranch, headed south from the village of Kinatra, a tiny town that could get quieter than a Knowledge Tower. Living in the southwest part of the Southern Continent, however, meant life was often tranquil. It was a guaranteed peace, which only served to disappoint me. Most biomechs knew Barraki Takadox's forces controlled this region, but Kinatra and the ranch were of little importance to them. Unlike some of his fellow warlords, Takadox would not settle for second-rate material in a sword.
Marching down the hillside to the Mahi pens, I unlocked and opened each gate, releasing the Rahi corralled inside. Boomer barked as the Mahi filed out, as if ordering them to move faster. The idea of rushing these creatures toward another day of tedium almost seemed vindictive, but I wasn't about to stand in the way of Boomer's enthusiasm. Staring straight up, the bright yellow and orange shades of sunrise were giving way to the ordinary cool blue of the atmosphere. Deciding I ought to pay Torema a morning visit, I headed off for his office. Boomer started to follow, but a quick snap of my fingers was the indicator he translated as "stay."
I kicked a small rock along the dirt path leading up to Torema's main office, trying to keep the stone ahead of myself. I could see a few customers through the window by the front desk, and Torema was smiling happily at them. Torema was a Po-Matoran, armored in yellow with a sun-faded, gray Kanohi Pakari. I decided to enter through the storage room in the back, unlocking the door and stepping inside. The split second after, I heard the front door slam shut. Catching me by surprise, I quietly pulled the storage room door closed and crept forward. The storage room had a musty odor to it, but I stayed as silent as possible, anxious to hear the conversation in the next room.
"What can I do for you?" I heard Torema ask.
There was a short pause, and then I heard the distinct sound of weapons being cocked. There were maybe four or five, I couldn't be certain. Those sounds were followed by a few footsteps approaching the desk.
"There's an awful lot of Mahi out in those fields," a rough voice breathed. It was a male voice, and one that, despite its coarseness, sounded rather sophisticated. "Two horns to every head, if I'm not mistaken." I could imagine him smiling menacingly as he spoke. "It doesn't take a scholar to see that you're making a decent amount of money off of those Rahi."
"I can assure you," Torema began, his tone more shaky and nervous now, "the treatment of all Rahi at my ranch is entirely ethical and"-
The biomechs burst out laughing, somehow hysterical over Torema's remark. They then began exchanging small jokes with one another that mocked my employer. I couldn't make out any of their remarks over the constant laughter, but I caught Torema awkwardly laughing with them for a moment. Their laughter died down, but it was easy to tell they savored the humor in Torema's comment.
The rough voiced biomech hurled an object over the counter at Torema. Whatever it was, it barely made a sound when it landed on the floor. "The world has too few funny characters, sir. You start filling that bag with money, and I'll make sure you live to make someone else laugh."
I froze immediately. There was a roving gang of thieves on the other side of the wall, holding my boss at gunpoint. My eyes darted to the corner, where Torema's laser rifle sat. I had never seen him use the weapon, and the cobwebs and dust surrounding the object suggested no one else had either. Regaining control of my body, I tiptoed to the rifle and silently made my way out the back door. I lifted a small bag of laser shell ammunition off the barrel and tied it around my left hip's armor. Pulling back on the loading mechanism, I could hear the barrel charging a shot of laser energy.
I ran out past the front door to the office, heading for a far hill that overlooked the building. I then trained the rifle scope on the front door and held my position. There was no telling how fast these criminals were, or how fine of a shot they could be. The biomech I heard certainly sounded like he was accustomed to demanding money from innocent businesses. If he truly had an expertise in robberies, there was little doubt in my mind that his marksmanship was lacking. Otherwise, he'd probably be dead already.
It was hard to tell how long I stood like a statue on the hill, waiting for the door to open. Minutes passed like hours, working at my nerves. I tried my best to hold the rifle steady, maintaining my sight on the door. After a long eternity, the door was flung open. My arm locked up and I watched four biomechs step outside. I thought I could catch them by surprise, but one of the criminals caught sight of me and instantly drew his weapon in my direction. Through my scope, I could see it was a lightning rifle he was holding out at me. He hadn't bothered to line up his eye with the iron sight, which meant he didn't intend to make a direct hit, or he was very confident of a direct hit. His onyx and topaz armor gleamed brilliantly in the morning light, and my scope could see the violet of his eyes.
There was roughly thirty bio of distance between us, and two more thieves trained their weapons on me. The one carrying a burlap sack (which I assumed was full of money), started toward the hill where I stood. Clad in thick armor of ruby and obsidian, his lime green eyes made an attempt to study me briefly. At the same time, I had a chance to study him. He was from Nohtal, apparent from the faint trail of shadow surrounding his left arm and wrapping around his gunblade. Nohtalians were difficult to discern from heavily-armored Toa physically, but only Nohtalians had access to shadow energies. He made no attempt to draw the weapon on me, grinning as he approached.
"I'll shoot if I have to!" I shouted with a notable lack of confidence.
"So will we!" one of the criminals yelled back. His armor was a mixture of midnight blue and emerald, but I could tell it was entirely part of his form. He was slightly taller than myself, with a pair of garnet eyes on each side of his head. I had heard of his species, known as Dectraz. His clawed hands were sharp, and his mouth was surrounded by four mandibles. Examining his insectoid form was like staring down a giant bug - a rather disturbing sight, even without his gun being pointed at me.
The Nohtalian carrying the burlap sack motioned for his allies to lower their weapons before turning his attention back to me. "That's quite a laser rifle you have there," he said, still coming closer. "Doesn't look like it gets out much though." His charming demeanor suddenly turned into a dark glare. "So if you're going to shoot me, you better shut your mouth and just do it."
Both the Nohtalian and I knew I wouldn't pull the trigger. I had never harmed another biomech in my life. Before I could realize what was happening, the Nohtalian tugged the rifle from my grip and set it in the grass. His smile returned and he extended a hand. "You made a wise decision to stay your hand. What's your name?"
My hands were shaking both from anxiety and anger. "Why should I tell a piraka anything?"
The Nohtalian leaned forward and whispered, "Because my friends can take your head off in an instant if I tell them to. And your weapon is on the ground. Now, I'll ask you again. What's your name?"
"Adrinor," I muttered, loathingly accepting his handshake.
The Nohtalian shook his head. "You're an awfully stubborn type, Adrinor. If you hope to keep an honest job, and eventually be promoted, I'd recommend you be a little more flexible. Words of wisdom, from one hard-working biomech to another." He looked over his shoulder. "Let's get going. You're keeping my friend Adrinor from getting his job done."
"We're friends now, huh?" I said sarcastically.
The Nohtalian smiled. "Unless you point that rifle in my face again, yeah. You have a good day, Adrinor. Remember what I told you."
The Nohtalian and his fellow criminals strolled by me, walking over the hill toward some Kikanalo tied to the entrance gate. Wondering where they might have stolen the Rahi mounts from, I could see Torema peeking out from his office window. I had failed him, and allowed those thieves to make off with his money. At the same time, though, I didn't have it in me to fire on them. Torema's Mahi Ranch was an honest job, but the dreamer in me envied the thieves. They were free to wander and take as they pleased. A part of me had always wanted that life.
As I stared down at the dusty rifle, I had a choice to make. I could head down the hill, speak with Torema, and get back to work. Or I could run away. The piraka led lives of adventure at the risk of losing their lives. They operated on a side of the law I had never dared to consider following, until this moment. I had always been a dreamer, and I knew that part of me would regret it forever if I didn't take this chance. I grabbed the rifle and ran toward the biomechs holding Torema's money. The same one that spotted me earlier managed to catch me again, lining up his lightning rifle straight away.
"What'd I say about pointing that gun at me?" the Nohtalian hollered, dropping the burlap sack.
My eyes went wide with fear as I realized the rifle was pointed directly at the criminals. I dropped it at once and stopped dead in my tracks. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't shoot!"
Each of the thieves flinched when I dropped the rifle, as if waiting for it to accidentally go off. The Nohtalian narrowed his eyes on me and growled, "You came back for the money, right?"
I stood still, unable to speak at first. My mind could hardly form into words the reason I had come after them.
"Adrinor," The Nohtalian addressed me sternly. "I asked you a question."
"I..."
"Just let me shoot him," the piraka who first spotted me suggested. A cold smile came over his face after the Nohtalian whispered something back.
"I want to come with you." I couldn't believe I said it.
The Nohtalian smirked, but his friend disdainfully lowered his rifle. "Is that right?"
"Yes," I nodded. "I want to come with you."
"We aren't accepting new hires right now," the Nohtalian chuckled. "But maybe I can make an exception." He glanced at the others, each grinning in return. He then looked me in the eyes, beckoning me forward. "Bring that rifle with you, but keep the barrel pointed at the sky."
I did as instructed, holding the rifle against my chest armor and tilting the barrel up. Carefully marching toward the group, I handed over the weapon to the Nohtalian. He looked it over, brushing some of the dust away before discharging the loaded laser shell. He then returned it to me and stared into my eyes.
"So, why did you leave your last job?" the Nohtalian asked.
I paused. "...What?"
"Your last job," the Nohtalian repeated. "You were a Mahi herder, right?" The other piraka were holding back their laughter at this point.
"Um...well...I..."-
"Freedom," the Nohtalian whispered.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me," he nodded slowly. "Freedom. I can see it in your eyes, how badly you want to be released from this place. I've met a lot of biomechs over the years, but the intensity of your desire to be free from a normal life is a rarity. I pride myself on the ability to read others well, so I know what I'm talking about. You're looking for freedom."
"Yeah, you're right," I admitted. "I want to see the world, and I want to call the shots."
"Well I don't know about calling the shots," the Nohtalian replied, "but there are some beautiful places out there. Still, you're available to relocate." He looked at his Dectraz friend. "That's good for a job application, right?"
"You're asking me?" he said in surprise. "I haven't applied for a job in over 10,000 years."
"Okay, fair enough," the Nohtalian shrugged his shoulders, looking back at me. "What experience do you have as a...what did you call me? Oh...that's right. A piraka. What experience do you have as a piraka?" He placed an open hand next to his mouth and whispered with a grin, "If you've never killed anyone or stolen anything, just say 'none.'"
"None," I replied awkwardly.
The Nohtalian shook his head and sighed. "Then why should I hire you?"
"I'm a hard worker, a quick learner, and I'm a decent shot with a rifle." I was picking up on his game.
"Good answer," the Nohtalian said, clapping a hand against his weapon a few times. "Now, I've got one more question for you. What is more important in a job: money or work?"
"It's always nice to have money, but if your heartlight isn't in your work, it's not worth the money."
The Nohtalian smiled. "All right then. I'd like to offer you a position with my team, Adrinor. Before you accept, I should warn you that disloyalty will not be tolerated. You can call us piraka or anything you want, but we look out for one another. It's one of the few laws in our otherwise lawless lives."
"I understand and I accept." The notion of joining these criminals seemed absurd, but this was secretly the chance I had been hoping for. I was no murderer, true, but there was an entire world out there. I had to see it.
Without warning, the bitter piraka with the lightning rifle elevated his weapon and fired a single shot over my shoulder. As I observed the trail of dark energy on the rifle, I knew he was a Nohtalian as well. I whirled around and watched Torema drop an energy pistol to the ground.
"No!" I screamed instinctively, running to the Matoran's side. Judging from the clean shot to his heartlight, I knew he was dead before he hit the dirt. Seeing the Po-Matoran body in the grass reminded me of how dangerous these individuals were, and what I had just agreed to join.
"Why did you come out here?" I whispered, looking down at Torema's mask.
"No Matoran survives a shot like that," the Nohtalian told me.
The female in the group playfully shoved Torema's killer in the shoulder. "I think you just shot our new friend's job reference." I almost thought she might've been a Toa, but upon closer inspection, her frost white head was merely the shape of a Mask of Possibilities. The snowy texture made up parts of her armor as well, while other plates were a royal purple. There was only one species that had a head in her shape, and they hailed from Trelbin. Appropriately, they were named Trelbans.
"We'll have to take him at his word then," the second Nohtalian growled, putting his weapon on his back. He glanced at me. "Your name's Adrinor?"
"Yeah," I said with a glare, attaching my rifle to my back as well. "And that Matoran was Torema. He was a good biomech and a hard worker."
"No one said he wasn't," the Nohtalian replied with a smirk. "I was more interested in doing a hiring procedure of my own. I could've disarmed that little Matoran without hurting him a bit, but you needed to be tested. You're asking to live a selfish dream, Adrinor, and I don't think there's any shame in that. If you can't do it though, you better get a shovel and start digging that Po-Matoran's grave. What's it going to be?"
I glanced over my shoulder at Torema's corpse, trying to ignore my guilt. It was a silent moment and a chance to really think about the situation. Torema deserved a better end and a longer life, but asking to join this gang was my choice and left me responsible for his fate. It was a moment of impressionable foolishness - one I couldn't take back.
"I'm going," I breathed.
"Then it's settled," the first Nohtalian said. "I suppose we ought to introduce ourselves as well. My name is Rovaius."
"I'm Stalgrax," the Nohtalian who killed Torema added flatly.
I glanced at the Dectraz and he spoke a single word. "Trylac." He didn't appear irritated or anxious, so I assumed he just wasn't much of a talker.
"I'm Elendra," the female member said, climbing onto her Kikanalo. "And in case you have any curiosities about why a female is roaming around with these biomechs, bear in mind that I've earned my position here. But soon enough, so will you." She motioned me forward and narrowed her eyes. "Get on."
I started for the Kikanalo, watching the piraka do the same. I was with them now, but I wasn't one of them. Not yet anyway. I turned to face Rovaius and tilted my head. "Where are we going?"
"Doesn't matter much," Rovaius replied, disregarding the question. "What you learn on the way will be far more beneficial anyway."
With that ominous response, I rode off with the outlaws. I knew other employees at the ranch would be showing up soon to begin tending to daily tasks, and one of them would surely stumble upon my previous employer's corpse. I had paid Torema my silent apology, and I knew I couldn't stay any longer. I had adopted a new life, and as the Kikanalo dashed further from the Po-Matoran, from Kinatra, from my little cabin, and from the whole of the ranch, the gravity of my situation finally struck me. The world I was leaving behind suddenly felt more important than ever before, because I knew it was gone. I had ample opportunity to leap from the Kikanalo and hurry back to the ranch, explain Torema's death, and return to the job I had chosen so long ago. When I first left Meldio and came to the Southern Continent, I was excited about my new home, despite it falling short of what I really wanted. Only now was I really beginning to fulfill my life's dream. And yet, as energized as I felt, I was restraining a sickening feeling about how it all might conclude. -
That's fine by me. Considering Hahli Historian reviewed it last time, I'll have another one of the critics take a look at it, to give you a second opinion. =)-CedHmm... I know the story hasn't progressed much since I last requested, but would it be alright to ask for another review of my epic?1) Dare to Dream2) Review3) Chapters: 14
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Welcome back, Alt. D. Enjoy your review, and as always, thanks for choosing the ECC.-CedCan you review BIONICLE: Learning Our Past please?Link to story:http://www.bzpower.c...l=&fromsearch=1Link to review page:http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=3157Number of chapters: 1 so far
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Hello again, Alt. D, here is your official ECC review. As fate would have it, the ECC rotation put me in charge of reviewing another one of your epics. Funny how that works, huh? Anyway, I've been away from home for a few days, which is why it took me longer than usual to review this for you. So without any further delays, let's get to it.A couple things to start. First, you split a single chapter into three posts. You know you can just edit the first post if you want to add extra writing, right? Second, looking at the multitude of little errors I came across, I'm going to assume you still don't have MS Word or something of the sort. If you don't want to drop the money on it, I highly recommend you proofread your work very, very carefully.Regarding the actual chapter, I'm getting a lot of telling, not much showing. This feels suspiciously like a prologue more than anything, almost like the first chapter hasn't really begun. If done right, your three posts of exposition could become their own story. Something to think about. Getting back to the point, you've created a large playing field for your "Gunsmiths" to roam and play in, and that's a good thing. Nothing worse than a writer feeling boxed in with their work.Because only a few months have passed since I last reviewed a piece of your work, I find myself being drawn to say a lot of the things I brought up about Mass Destruction, in terms of your writing abilities and where you need improvement. But of course, I'm not here to reiterate. If you're curious, follow this link to have a glance at what I told you. Unfortunately, there isn't enough in this new epic yet to properly judge if you are improving. The ECC doesn't receive many requests, and we would be more than happy to review this again when you have more written.For the time being, reread your work (aloud if you have to) to catch those little issues. I also recommend reading other works, both here on the forums and in libraries. Like a musician, a writer can learn a great deal from the work of others. Good luck, Alt. D.-Ced
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I don't think I'd still be here if I thought of BZP as a chore. There's always a sense of curiosity when I enter the forums, and that sometimes comes with disappointment when I discover nothing is really happening in the forum sections I tend to frequent. I enter this site because I have a genuine interest in it, not because it feels like a requirement or necessity. I like to stay current with world events, and reading through that kind of news can feel like a chore at times. BZP is more like checking in with friends to see what's going on.-Ced
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I've been putting this review off for just over a week now, but I didn't want to churn out a partial response or something that felt underwhelming - as this was an epic that deserves neither. As usual, I will attempt to refrain from ruining any plot points when I can.Chapters 19 and 20 are a bittersweet affair. I was hoping beyond hope for your Almighty Ones to pull a deus ex machina, but there was no such luck. Dimension Hoppers gave me two final messages to think about. The first was this: we perish in victory if it's in the line of duty. The second was this: Do not abandon your conviction. From that, your ending explains that there is a price to fulfilling our responsibilities—our destiny—and that we sometimes have to look beyond what we want and accept what we have.Additionally, you bring up the notion of peace, and how tenuous it can be. I am reminded of the infamous line, "You can't handle the truth!" and how it has a literal translation to the finale of your story. This world needs a peaceful resolution to what has transpired, regardless of the truth that will be buried beneath it. After what was risked, and what was lost, I can understand feeling deprived by having the truth hidden away. Much like the ending to the graphic novel, Watchmen, peace built on a lie is still peace. It worked for over 100 eons in your universe, and so I am convinced it will work again.Despite the title of the Almighty Ones, it is clear that they are not All-Powerful Ones, and that they are still learning to comprehend life and interacting with it. Theirs is a tale that outlines the danger of hubris and the harm it can bring. They have a voice of regret, shame, insecurity, and most importantly, desire. They long for the power to undo their mistakes, while the conclusion of Dimension Hoppers seems to say that we have to go on with our lives. We should remember the past, but not remain fixated on it, and in turn, allow it to control us.In the final lines, we are left with an ambiguous answer to what the future will bring. There is still a lingering obligation to one's duty, but there is a hint that this task will be left behind at some eventual point…or not. We aren't told, and I think there's meaning to that. It doesn't matter. Rather, it pales in comparison to what is really important: the present. The past is gone, the future is always on the way, and we need to focus on the here and now - because that's where we live. Not in a palace, not out at sea, not dimension hopping, but we live at home, doing what we are required to do.Perhaps I dove too deep in my examination of your epic, but I'd like to think my assumptions and associations came close to what you wanted to offer your readers. It was a wonderful story, TNTOS, and well-worth the time I spent following it.-Ced
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I am a writer, and this topic is my evidence. For over seven years now, I have brought my work to these forums and slowly sharpened my skills. To anyone who has pushed me to become better, inspired me to write fantastic tales, or given me any kind of criticism, I want to express my thanks and appreciation. This library is dedicated to you.Directory: Crystal Chronicles, Alternate Universe, Canon Universe, Other, Poetry
Epics
Cenotaphs - In the final years of the League of Six Kingdoms, one simple ranch hand sets off alongside a band of outlaws, in a search to fulfill his dream. His journey is that of a hired gun, learning the motivations behind the life of a criminal. Beneath the surface of this life without equal, the Barraki have discovered something that could grant them dominance beyond any they have ever possessed, and a plan that could part the Great Spirit from his all-seeing throne.Cynosure - The Matoran Civil War has raged for 400 years and the universe has begun to shut down. As light fades from the world, an outlaw and his crew will become the most unlikely participants in a terrible chapter of the Matoran Universe. The stakes have never been higher in this desperate race to retrieve the mysterious Mask of Life, end the war in Metru Nui, and confront an ancient mastermind of warfare that threatens even the Brotherhood of Makuta in a power struggle for supremacy of the universe.Short Stories
The Garden - The penultimate chapter of the Crystal Chronicles saga, the story of a Great Being's daughter and her journey of discovery.Tracker - The Tablet of Transit is an integral tool to the Brotherhood to distinguish friend from foe...Nascent - The first Crystal Chronicle, the story of a determined scientist, and an AI born from mighty entities.Chronicle - Every legend has a beginning...including BZ-Koro. (Made for LSO 2012)Visitor - A Nuurakh is malfunctioning in Ta-Metru.Scourge - A powerful envoy journeys to a war-torn nation requesting an end to the fighting.The Outlaws and The Dream - The eventual inspiration of the epic Cenotaphs (and its first chapter), this is the start of Adrinor's great journey.All That Glitters - Investigating a serial killer in Metru Nui, a Matoran detective finds himself caught in a dangerous game. (Made for SS Contest #8)Comedies
Rewriter - The second Crystal Chronicle and the tale of a dry witted AI's responsibility to oversee a powerful program.Off Topic Culture
Little Broken Words - The fifth and final Crystal Chronicle reveals the origin of the mysterious Crystal Core through a young man's broken relationship.Anhedonia - The third Crystal Chronicle is set in a world where Angels shall protect us.Truth - What truly matters most?Surrounded, Alone - It has watched and waited, longing for a purpose.
The Outlaws And The Dream
in Short Stories
Posted
Considering you both brought the issue of "biomechs" up, I should address that first. In place of words like "man," "woman," "person," "people," "human," - words that have no place or real meaning to the Matoran Universe, I wanted something in their place. Biomech seemed like a good fit, and while I could certainly draw its use back a bit when the story becomes an epic, I don't think I'd do away with it entirely unless I had a better term to use instead.Second, laser rifles. The mechanics behind this have an energy shell containing dormant energies that react with the weapon when fired. This causes a solid beam of heated power to fire from the rifle and cause damage. There is zero science to support any of that, but as RC-1505 mentioned, real-world physics is out of the equation.-Ced
Thanks for reading, Tobi. I actually tried out Deus Ex: HR a while back - lost interest a couple hours in. The laser rifle was more of a Star Trek/Star Wars-inspired idea. I have to say though, I'm flattered to hear the comparison to Greg, as it was really his stories that gave me the momentum to start writing here. I'm sure many BZP writers have a similar beginning. I like adding a degree of detail for characters, because I'm often left to wonder when reading other people's work. And eyes are very important when I describe individuals, especially color. Regarding the insectoid, Trylac, you were right to think of sci-fi. His form comes from several different "monsters" in sci-fi movies and stories, coming together as a mysterious entity. I'll have to give him a little more dialogue in the epic.While I don't think I could ever match what Greg has done with Bionicle, I really appreciate your commentary and I'm glad to hear you like this enough to keep it around on your computer.In the same way there is a very little we see of the League-era Matoran Universe, I don't see a lot of artwork on the pre-Pit Barraki - mostly a MOC now and again. That'll be interesting to see when you finish it - and I presume you'll be posting it on the forums.Anyway, thank you for reading this. Painting a mental picture for the reader has always been important to me, and it's easy to lose sight of that if you focus too much on the story aspect. Good to hear that I got the job done for you, and I hope you'll stop by the epic forums when the extended version arrives.